ARE YOU A CONTROL FREAK?
A JEALOUS GUY? Well, I’m better than I was. But reflecting on past conduct, shame rises like steam off a swamp. Where they involved my wife, numerous scenarios would make me anxious. Her going to parties alone. Her being home later than she’d said she’d be. Her chatting with the buff neighbour. Rationally, I was pretty sure none of these things meant anything. Emotionally, they put me on edge. The disconnect didn’t help: the combination of knowing I was being an idiot while still feeling threatened could transform me into a taciturn sack of negative energy for hours (sometimes days) on end.
My wife could read my mind and resented my sullenness, receiving it as an accusation, unjustified and insulting. She explained to me recently that my jealousy presented her with a choice: she could change her ways to pander to my hypervigilance, thus becoming something other than the woman she is; or she could stay true to herself, thereby risking my ire and ensuring a continuation of these spirit-crushing palls of silence.
One time, when we were able to discuss the issue calmly, I admitted to having a bit of a problem and suggested she accommodate it by, say, calling me when she’d decided to stay out later than she’d said she would. I thought that sounded reasonable; she thought it was controlling behaviour. Even today I might debate that point. What I wouldn’t question is how upset my brooding made her or how close she came to issuing an ultimatum.
In any relationship, possessiveness is corrosive. You probably don’t need telling that it’s a marker not of love but of insecurity – or something darker. If you have controlling tendencies, tackle them. Experts have a
