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    Kingdom of the Snark: Tragedy in the Wine Cellar
    Kingdom of the Snark: Tragedy in the Wine Cellar
    Kingdom of the Snark: Tragedy in the Wine Cellar
    Ebook83 pages1 hour

    Kingdom of the Snark: Tragedy in the Wine Cellar

    By Melanie Hatfield

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    About this ebook

    As noted by the not so humble narrator in “Kingdom of the Snark: The Quest for the Sword,” the monastery of Quaal defended their home and their lives from the nunnery in what was known as the War of the Nuns. There used to be many books filled with poems and songs that go on and on (to the point of driving a reader to tears) which explained how they survived. Unfortunately (or fortunate for those who cannot endure such poetic tortures), most of these pages were lost to the ages: some books were lost, others went up in smoke when the buildings they were housed in caught fire, and some were merely misplaced somewhere and never found again. On one occasion of note a keeper’s cousin ran out of the tissue of ass wiping and thusly a few chapters were lost to his cheeks. However, a few pages did survive the above tribulations, and the “Tragedy in the Wine Cellar” is one of those tales.

    Sister Ferriera, Mother Superior, and her army of nuns have attacked the monastery’s steeple during their evening prayer service. The monks and their adopted Questers-in-training are quickly surrounded and face certain death. Their only hope lies within two of their best teenage fighters. Unfortunately, Joel the Brave convinced Renee the Righteous to ditch the service and have some inebriated fun in the monastery’s wine cellar. When the murderous nuns make their way through that underground maze, it is the two warriors who are in need of rescue. Can Renee and Joel save themselves in time to rescue the monastery, or will everyone die a terrible death at the hands of horny nuns? Good thing there is plenty of wine to go around.

    “Kingdom of the Snark: Tragedy in the Wine Cellar” is a short story which chronologically takes place between chapters two and three of “Kingdom of the Snark: The Quest for the Sword.” Although it was written in the style of a “ye old” fantasy, it was made to be enjoyed by adults.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMelanie Hatfield
    Release dateMar 21, 2013
    ISBN9781301963560
    Kingdom of the Snark: Tragedy in the Wine Cellar
    Author

    Melanie Hatfield

    Melanie Hatfield spent a decade in Los Angeles with hopes of becoming a television sitcom writer. That dream did not come true, but she learned how to write like a pro. She wrote her first fantasy series, Kingdom of the Snark, to incorporate her two favorite genres of comedy and fantasy. Her second fantasy series, The Chronicles of Turrack is an action-adventure spin-off from Snark. Ms. Hatfield currently lurks in her hometown of Kansas City and writes whatever she pleases!

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    • 4/5
      "Kingdom of the Snark” is unlike anything I’ve read, but is a cross of many things I enjoy. First off, props to the author because the editing was near flawless, and I notice things like that. It was fast paced and easy to get caught up in, and I kept wanting to read more. I liked the characters and found it to be genuinely funny (I don’t usually read comedic books—this was a first for me). I was never bored for a minute and found myself invested in the characters’ plight. Which brings me to the ending…I don’t like when books end in the middle of the action like this one does; I need resolution even in a book that is part of a series. I know some people don’t mind this, but it is a big thing for me. So this is the only reason I’m giving this book 4 stars instead of 5, and I can’t wait to read the next one to see what happens!!
    • 5/5
      Okay, you’d have to be totally devoid of any sense of humor or dead in order not to laugh out loud as you read “Kingdom of the Snark” by Melanie Hatfield. This book had some of the best one-liners I’ve seen anywhere. (Also a warning, don’t read in public places if you don’t want people looking at you funny when you laugh out loud.) It is the story of a girl, Renee, who goes on her special version of the hero quest, and meets many interesting characters (and challenges) along the way. Highly entertaining and I’d definitely recommend for people who want something on the humorous side, but also with an engaging adventure.
    • 5/5
      Pure unexpected awesomeness! There’s NOTHING worse than reading a book that tries to be funny (or punny) and fails. Well, this sure wasn’t the case here! I’m pretty jaded with these types of books cause I’ve read so many, but I was genuinely impressed with the way that the author created a sort of parallel comedy world to one that felt familiar, and gave it a bitingly sarcastic twist. But at the same time there was a great storyline and you want to see how it will all turn out. Really enjoyed it and am looking forward to reading the next one, especially because it leaves us right in the middle of a climax moment! Ahhhh!!
    • 5/5
      I loved this book! It was so funny, but actually had an interesting plot also! The tone was light and, as you can guess, very snarky. But not in an overly obnoxious way. More like a clever satire that made me chuckle throughout. Right off the bat I felt like I was in a Mel Brooks movie, and I could totally see this book being a movie as well! Kind of a medieval version of Spaceballs or Robin Hood Men in Tights. Clever and well-written. An enjoyable read.

    Book preview

    Kingdom of the Snark - Melanie Hatfield

    KINGDOM OF THE SNARK

    TRAGEDY IN THE WINE CELLAR

    — by —

    Melanie Hatfield

    Kingdom of the Snark: Tragedy in the Wine Cellar

    By Melanie Hatfield

    Copyright 2013 by Melanie Hatfield

    Smashwords Edition

    Cover art by Rachael Mayo

    http://rachaelm5.deviantart.com

    Digital edition produced by Maureen Cutajar

    www.gopublished.com

    Here is the blah, blah, blah legal stuff nobody ever reads:

    All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, taping, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the copyright owner except in the context of reviews, quotes, or references. To obtain permission, contact the writer through her website at www.melaniehatfield.com.

    This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination. Anything in this novel that is anyway similar to your own life and/or work is coincidental (and a bit sad).

    This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only and may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return it and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author’s work.

    CONTENTS

    Title Page

    Copyright Page

    Begin Reading

    Preview: Kingdom of the Snark

    About the Author

    KINGDOM OF THE SNARK

    TRAGEDY IN THE WINE CELLAR

    The stars dimmed their twinkle and hid behind the clouds. Only the moon had the courage to show its face that night as Sister Ferriera, Mother Superior, marched her army toward the monastery of Quaal. Her Holy Habit made her nothing more than the shadow of the night, and the tangled white hair that stuck out from her coif was the only sign of her presence. No one in her company could tell what her hard brown eyes perceived through the darkness, but a light giddiness took hold of the nuns’ hearts as if they were school maids as they followed her.

    Those in the Catapult Squad were not as mirthful, as they found themselves with the burden of pushing their weapons of mass destruction through the Monastery Wood. Although the trees moaned under the force of the catapults pushing them out of the way, the icy stare of Sister Ferriera kept the trees silent. The trees quivered their leaves with fear before the nuns, and even Sister Helena the Fair, the Mother Superior’s right hand who bore the golden star of her rank proudly upon her shoulder, could silence an elm with the furrowing of an eyebrow.

    The catapults swarmed in formation around the monastery. The nuns had to suppress their wicked giggles with both hands as their sisters got into position. There was nothing spectacular about the catapults, as they were of a practical design. Each one was painted with images of half-naked men who posed in correlation with the names of each weapon, such as The Naughty Blacksmith, The Pouting Prince, The Chubby Hubby, and The Puppy Dog Eyes. Each catapult had baskets large enough to contain a virgin nun ready to take flight. The women would kiss the painted men for good luck before they hopped in. When each virgin nun was in place, the squadron leaders would flash their candlelight lanterns at Sister Helena, who in turn flashed her lantern at Sister Ferriera when all the catapults were ready for launch.

    The catapults would throw the virgin nuns over the mighty stone wall that bordered the monastery. On the other side, the monks would be praying in the Grand House of Prayer and Such (which is what the monks called their steeple; it was not a good name, dear readers, but it stuck, as no one could think of anything better). The virgins would sail over the wall and crash through the stained-glass windows. The nuns would slay all they saw, except Renee the demon child, whom Sister Ferriera could not trust anyone to kill except herself.

    I cannot fail this task, Sister Ferriera thought as the virgin nuns took their positions in the catapult baskets. So much lies upon the death of the demon child, besides the sanctity of the Holy Light. Of this importance, she spoke to no one, but smiled as her plan went into action.

    Release the virgins! Sister Ferriera’s high-pitched command woke up every sleeping creature in the wood, and they ran for their lives.

    The virgin nuns flew through the sky and over the monastery walls, their cloaks outstretched like the flesh of flying squirrels. But not every nun had a smooth landing. The heavier nuns sank from the sky more quickly and slammed into the monastery walls. Upon impact, they split open, painting the stones with their entrails. The lightest nuns flew too high and went over the monastery completely, never to be seen again. Those nuns who were not too heavy or too light flew through the stained glass windows of the steeple, where all the monks and their adopted boys turned Questers-in-training were reciting their nightly prayers.

    Not all of the virgin nuns broke through the glass upon impact. The portly monk known as Brother Porkers shrieked with horror as one virgin nun’s face slid down the unbroken stained glass – foaming at the mouth, hissing like a snake.

    Brother Galad the Glad noticed the virgin nuns when Sister Catherine crashed through the window depicting Naw of Berdaw slaying the drooling beast of Quaal.

    Everyone noticed the nuns when Sister Catherine withdrew her knife and sliced a new windpipe into Brother Galad’s neck.

    Likewise, Brother Porkers did not stand a chance when Sister Veronica took her harmonica out of her cloak and bashed his brains out.

    Brother Lester the Old, being the eldest monk in the monastery, would have easily found himself as dead as his brothers if he had not tripped over the feet of another fleeing monk. After Brother Lester took a tumble, the virgin nun who was hot on his tail tripped over his body and landed face first into a pew. Her face shattered like glass upon the oak bench.

    Everyone, remain calm! Brother Rayel, Head Monk, yelled for order, but it was pointless. Brother Rayel’s commands were usually obeyed at once, as his vulture-like features made him a leader the monks feared to cross. However, once one has seen one’s brethren’s blood spilt upon the floor, it is impossible for one to regain one’s senses. Such

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