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    One Liner's You Will Use
    One Liner's You Will Use
    One Liner's You Will Use
    Ebook330 pages3 hours

    One Liner's You Will Use

    By Wolfgang Riebe

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    About this ebook

    SHORT ONE LINE JOKES, ALPHABETICALLY CATEGORISED FOR SPEECHES, SPEAKERS, ENTERTAINERS & COMEDIANS.

    A MUST HAVE for anyone in show business!

    From Accidents, Cowboys, Dentists, Gynaecology, Insurance, Husbands, Mini-Skirts, Pick-Up Lines, Religious, Viagra to Zoos; nothing is holy! Jokes are made about everything and everyone!

    You will find a massive selection of over 2000 short one-liner jokes for ever occasion and for every taste. Although the majority of material is clean, there are a number of jokes not suited for people that are easily offended.

    This is the ideal book for Entertainers, Comedians and Professional Speakers who need one volume of jokes as a quick reference guide.

    WARNING!
    This book contains many one-liner jokes from the late 80's and 90's that would be considered 'below-the-belt, sexist' and 'politically incorrect' today!

    Reviews:
    "One-liners you will use is an A to Z of snappy, funny one liner gags that you will be able to inject into your own show. Between the covers of Wolfgang's book is a whole battery of one-liners, all suitable for the right occasion. These one-liners are all carefully categorized according to subject and so it is an easy, quick reference method of finding the right gag for the right spot in your show. Take advantage of years of practical experience going into this book. Imagine how long it would take of real live performance to find all these gags that work - and that is the beauty of the book - they ARE gags that work.” Jack Stephens: ABRA Magazine: London

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherWolfgang Riebe
    Release dateMay 18, 2013
    ISBN9781301853397
    One Liner's You Will Use
    Author

    Wolfgang Riebe

    Wolfgang began his career as a magician on British television on BBC & ITV, later traveling around the world as a headline act on cruise liners before tackling expeditions throughout the Arctic & Antarctic where he performed world-class illusions to thousands of international passengers.In later years he relocated to Cape Town from where he focused on the EMEA market combining strategically planned illusions with speaking in order to reinforce corporate messaging throughout Africa, Europe and the Middle East. He completed a thesis in Complexity Thinking and its affect on Innovation amongst leadership in multi-national organisations at the York St John university in the UK.In 2012 the National Speakers Association (NSA) awarded Wolfgang the CSP (Certified Speaking Professional) designation, which is the highest award given to any professional speaker in the speaking world. This designation is currently only held by less than 800 professional speakers globally.His passion is to share life truths and connect people through logical thinking and fun, as can be validated through his You Tube channel (inspiringtheworld) with over 1000 videos. In 2015 he appeared as a TEDx speaker and is currently based in Geneva, Switzerland where he focuses on the English Speaking meetings & events market and has performed in over 165 countries during the last 30 years.From symposiums, conferences, strategic planning sessions, cruise liners, television to expeditions, his vast variety of incredible life experiences make him the perfect host as your Keynote Speaker, Master of Ceremonies and Celebrity Comedy Entertainer, turning your whole event into an unforgettable sophisticated experience where creates Memorable Magical Moments for everyone.

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      Book preview

      One Liner's You Will Use - Wolfgang Riebe

      ONE LINERS YOU WILL USE

      By Wolfgang Riebe

      Published by Mind Power Publications at Smashwords

      This book is available at www.mindpowerpublications.com

      Copyright © 2013 by Wolfgang Riebe

      www.wolfgangriebe.com

      ISBN: 978-1301853397

      For further titles – see end of book

      All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

      Smashwords Edition, License Notes

      This E-Book is licensed for your personal enjoyment

      only. This E-Book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      *****

      DEDICATION

      This book I dedicate to my late friend and critic,

      Patrick Van Almelo.

      Here are some of the gags, as well as many new ones, which we chuckled over during those late nights in your garage while building magic props, and other crazy occasions, too numerous to mention.

      Thanks for being the great and true friend that were in my youth and may you be having lots of laughs wherever you are now!

      *****

      CONTENTS

      Foreword

      Accidents

      Accountants

      Adam & Eve

      Adultery

      Airplanes

      Alcohol

      Animals

      Applause: No Applause

      After Good Applause

      Small Audience

      Army

      Assistants

      Babies

      Bad Day

      Baldness

      Banks

      Beer

      Bill Clinton

      Bin Laden

      Birds

      Birthday

      Blondes

      Books

      Brother

      Bumper Stickers

      Business

      Cards

      Cars

      Cell Phones

      Children

      Chinese

      Church

      Cigarettes

      Closings

      Computers

      Condoms

      Cowboys

      Crazy English

      Crime

      Cruise Ships

      Dancing

      Dating

      Dentists

      Diet

      Divorce

      Doctors

      Dogs

      Dumb

      Endings

      Exercise

      Eyes

      Fairy Famous

      Family

      Fillers

      Fish

      Food

      Gags - Visual

      Gay

      General

      Germans

      Golf

      Gynecologist

      Hecklers

      Hookers

      Horses

      Hotels

      Husbands

      Impressions

      India

      Insurance

      Introductions

      Inventions

      Iraq

      Irish

      Italians

      Jews

      Jobs

      Jokes Going Bad

      Kids Sayings

      Kissing

      Knowledge

      Late Comers

      Laughter

      Law & Lawyers

      Magicians

      Marriage

      Memory

      Men Bashing

      Mexicans

      Mind Readers

      Mini Skirts

      Money

      Mothers In Law

      Movies

      Myself

      Neighbours & Neighbourhood's

      New Year

      Newspapers

      Nuns

      Old Age

      Olympics

      Opening Lines

      Pencils & Pens

      Penis

      Pick-Up Lines

      Points To Think About

      Police

      Politicians

      Pregnancy

      Psychiatry & Psychology

      Psychic

      Rabbits

      Red Indians

      Religious

      Restaurants

      Sales

      School

      Scottish

      Secretaries

      Sex

      Silly Signs

      Soccer

      Sports

      Taxes

      Teenagers

      Television

      Thin

      Time

      Topless

      Towns

      Traffic Officers

      Travel

      Ugly

      Umbrellas

      Useless Facts

      Vaginas

      Vegetarian

      Viagra

      Virgins

      Wanking

      Why?

      Wives

      Woman Bashing

      Women

      Women's Clothes

      Xmas

      Youth

      Zoos

      Biography: Wolfgang Riebe

      *****

      FOREWORD

      This compilation of one-liners and gags you are about to enjoy has been collected over the past few years from books, emails, entertainers and friends.

      Firstly, let me point out that these one-liners have all been used by myself as a professional keynote speaker, corporate comedy illusionist and emcee on numerous occasions all over the world, in theaters, on cruise ships and on television over the last 26 years.

      Secondly, although I have found them successful in my presentations, it does not mean that they will do the same for you. However, do not despair. I have tried to collect and use only those one-liners that I believe are more or less, 'Stock Items' - in other words, they should work well with most audiences.

      Some advice: If you find the gag, or one-liner very funny for yourself, then you should be able to bring it across in the same manner. So, go for the ones you like... it comes across in your presentation.

      Today I find that many comedy lines and gags are difficult to place and include in a routine, or talk. Not to mention the fact that they are difficult to find. Thus I have categorized all the one-liners to make everything much easier for you.

      By now you will also no doubt have paged through the book and found that some categories contain more gags than others. Well, it has taken some time to collect all these usable gags, and I can't wait forever to share them with you. Also, some categories are more popular than others, so it's easier to find lines around those themes.

      You will notice a vast selection of topics, from normal themes, to adult themes, to politically incorrect topics. Again, it is for you to use common sense to know which one-liners you can use at which occasion. Although there are some adult topics, you will see that these are mostly dual meaning one liner comments, and that I have stayed away from vulgar language. Remember that an adult joke can be told without having to revert to bad language. And if done tongue in cheek, you can get away with so much more and do so in a classy way.

      Learn to read your audience.

      If you are a comedian... go to town - use as many lines as you feel fit. However, I am assuming that most readers will be professional speakers, entertainers and business people who just want to add a touch of humor to their presentations.

      You will no doubt also be tempted to throw in as many one liners as you can, and will have many favorites from this collection. Please remember that too many lines may well break away from the message you are trying to bring across. Also, by doing too many lines in the beginning, you will not get the real feel for which lines are the ones which work.

      I would strongly suggest that you pick one or two only, and use these first. Once you are comfortable with them, only then build it up to a few more lines. Remember, that one or two well-timed comments can be far more effective than ten badly placed gags.

      Also, you will find many lines are not actual jokes, but just clever comments around a certain topic. These are particularly useful to learn and use when the occasion arises. It gives you an air of thinking on your feet and being very witty!

      Lastly, I sincerely trust that you will get the laughs and many more, that I have already had from these one-liners. It's been really fun collecting them over the years, and I know I will still add many more. Remember, laughter is what opens hearts and warms and audience to anyone on stage. A well placed line or ad lib can easily break the ice and turn a whole event around.

      With best wishes

      Wolfgang Riebe

      *****

      ACCIDENTS

      My brother had an accident - he married it.

      You look like an accident waiting to happen.

      They met by accident. He was on a zebra crossing and she was driving.

      They recon that most accidents in offices are caused by open drawers.

      I had an accident the other day... my wife fell asleep in the back seat of the car.

      Why only yesterday I had an accident. I was busy reading a sign that said: STOP, LOOK LEFT, LOOK RIGHT AND LISTEN! While reading it the other car hit me.

      I just installed an amazing new gadget in my car that will prevent all future accidents... it fits right over her mouth.

      As the saying goes... 98% of all people are caused by accidents... or is it the other way around?

      Would you please help that gentleman over there! It seems as if he has had an accident... a thought must have struck him.

      Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

      He is so unlucky that he runs into accidents that started out happening to someone else.

      What an accident. I had the right of way, but the other guy had the truck!

      So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, You've been promoted. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, You've been promoted again. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said You're Managing Director. And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and asked, What happened to you? And I replied, I careered off the road.

      *****

      ACCOUNTANTS

      Old accountants never die - they just lose their balance.

      Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget! He eventually he worked it out with his pencil.

      What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

      What does an accountant do for birth control? He talks about a typical day in the office.

      What's an extroverted accountant? A person who looks at your shoes, while he's talking to you instead of his own.

      What's an insolvency practitioner? This is a person who arrives after the battle, and bayonets all the wounded.

      In income tax form is like a laundry list. Either way you lose your shirt.

      Why did the auditor cross the road? He looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

      How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way

      What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.

      I said to my accountant, I have come to talk to you about my taxes. He replied, Okay, start lying!

      My accountant is brilliant. They just named a loophole after him!

      Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures. 

      What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant. 

      What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.

      *****

      ADAM & EVE

      Eve was suspicious of Adam, so she counted his ribs!

      Eve to Adam, Do you love me? Adam, Who else?

      Before Eve, Adam had it pretty soft.

      God made Adam... and rested. He made Eve... since then no one has rested.

      After their first moment of passion and romance, Eve said to Adam, So far you're the best!

      Adam to Eve, Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

      What was the first thing Adam said to Eve? Can you iron my leaf?

      What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? Your mother ate us out of house and home!

      Adam loved the day when eve was falling.

      Adam came home late one night. Eve was upset and accused him of having an affair. Adam queried, With whom?

      God was wise to make Adam first. Had he made Eve first, he would still be working on Adam.

      It wasn't the apple on the tree that ruined everything - it was the pair on the ground!

      When eve said that she had nothing to wear, she meant it!

      Adam and Eve - what a great marriage! He couldn't complain about his mother in law, and she couldn't talk about the man she was supposed to marry!

      Adam and Eve must have been communists. They had no clothes, no house, hardly any food, except apples – and they thought they lived in paradise.

      What did God say after she made Eve? Practice makes perfect.

      *****

      ADULTERY

      I’ll never be unfaithful... I love my house too much.

      What do you think of my new pants and shirt? I came home and there they were on the chair in the bedroom.

      A man comes home and finds his best friend in bed with his wife. He cries, Joe, I have too... but you!

      I checked in at the hotel and they asked me if this was my wife. I replied, Come on, you don’t think I’d live in sin with her.

      A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night... 5% said it was to get a glass of water... 12% said it was to go to the toilet... 83% said it was to go home...

      Woman to her best friend, Did I tell you that I am having an affair? Friend's reply, Really, who's doing the catering?

      Isn't life weird? The other day I cam home and found a cigar in our bedroom. I asked my wife where it came from, and the cupboard answered, Cuba!

      My wife really annoyed the milkman recently. I walked in on them in the kitchen and he was saying to my wife, I am only saying this one more time, if you don't pay for the milk, I am going to pee on the floor!

      I have to laugh. I found out the other day that my neighbor pays my wife $100 to make love to him. If only he knew that I get it for free!

      A husband came home late at night and undressed. His wife noticed he wasn't wearing his underpants. On querying this, he yelled, "I've been robbed!

      Whatever venue you are at, make the following comment: Do you know that I met my wife here (name of venue). I'll never forget that night... I thought she was at home with the kids!

      A woman finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams,

      You promised you wouldn't cheat again! The husband replies, For Heavens sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down!

      *****

      AIRPLANES

      I just flew in from London, boy are my arms tired.

      I have jet lag. That’s when you arrive and your luggage looks a lot better than you.

      It was mealtime during our flight on Air France. Would you like dinner? the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me. What are my choices? he asked. Yes or no, she replied.

      I flew on the new Airbus recently - they had silver cutlery and porcelain. I don’t even have that at home… well, now I do.

      I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no window blinds so I can't sleep. Captain, shut up and land the plane.

      They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.

      The jet said age. Breakfast in London, Lunch in Paris, Dinner in New York and baggage in Stockholm!

      I went to the airport information desk and asked, How many airports are there in the world?

      Alitalia (Italian Airlines) and El El (Israeli Airlines) want to merge – they will be calling it Vel I'll Tell Ya!

      Rumor has it that Continental airlines and Air Lingus want to merge – but they haven't thought of a name yet!

      What really bothers me about flying is, why do the call the airport building a 'Terminal'?

      Global travel, isn't it great? Breakfast in London, Lunch in Frankfurt, Dinner in Dubai... and baggage in Athens!

      I never travel by plane. The long trip to the airport makes me carsick.

      Have you noticed how every year it takes less time to fly between cities, but longer to drive to work?

      People who fly tend to look down on people who don't fly!

      I even get airsick when I lick an airmail stamp!

      Here are my favorite comments I have heard flight attendants use on different airlines during their announcements. These are excellent anecdotes to throw in at events where you have just flown in.

      There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...

      Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

      Welcome aboard Nationwide Airlines. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

      "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you

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