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Off, Odd, Different... Special? Learning Disabilities, ADHD, Aspergers Syndrome, and Giftedness in Couples and Couple Therapy
Off, Odd, Different... Special? Learning Disabilities, ADHD, Aspergers Syndrome, and Giftedness in Couples and Couple Therapy
Off, Odd, Different... Special? Learning Disabilities, ADHD, Aspergers Syndrome, and Giftedness in Couples and Couple Therapy
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Off, Odd, Different... Special? Learning Disabilities, ADHD, Aspergers Syndrome, and Giftedness in Couples and Couple Therapy

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"Off, Odd, Different... Special? Learning Disabilities, ADHD, Aspergers Syndrome, and Giftedness in Couples and Couple Therapy." When the therapist or a partner wonders if someone seems off, odd, different, or special, it is a clinical clue to the underlying issues causing dysfunction in the couple. Some individuals have demanded disproportionate time, attention, and energy from childhood and now as adults stress partners in the intimate relationship... and the therapist in session. Learning disabilities (LD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Aspergers Syndrome (AS), and giftedness not only affect academic and cognitive performance in childhood but can also negatively impact social/relational dynamics. Of concern for the therapist, the impact endures and continues for the individual in his or her adult intimate relationships. The therapist will be guided to the existential experience of gifted individuals and other challenged individuals as misfits. Giftedness or extremely proficient capacities must be examined for often unanticipated overwhelming emotional and psychological stress and confusion.

The worlds of the LD, ADHD, AS, of gifted individual are examined for corruption of self-esteem and self-image problems starting in childhood and exacerbated by mature intimacy demands. The therapist will learn how to recognize when inaccurate interpretation of social cues harm relationship functionality. The therapist will learn how LD, ADHD, and AS are among thirteen reasons individuals miss social cues. Addressing ineffective reading of the non-verbal communication from a partner will improve receptive and expressive communication for both partners, but for the challenged individual in particular. Therapeutic strategies for dealing with the negative influences of LD, ADHD, AS, and giftedness for the individual direct couple therapy. The therapist will learn about common ineffective and problematic compensations used by challenged individuals, as well the principles for effective response. The therapist is guided to incorporate knowledge about such challenges into therapy to counter harmful impact on and thus, improving the couple's relationship.

LanguageEnglish
PublisherRonald Mah
Release dateSep 6, 2013
ISBN9781301599165
Off, Odd, Different... Special? Learning Disabilities, ADHD, Aspergers Syndrome, and Giftedness in Couples and Couple Therapy
Author

Ronald Mah

Therapist, educator, author and consultant combine concepts, principles, and philosophy with practical techniques and guidelines for effective and productive results. A Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (licensed 1994), his experiences include:Psychotherapist: individual, child and teen, couples, and family therapy in private practice in San Leandro, California- specialties include challenging couples, difficult teenagers, Aspergers Syndrome, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, learning disabilities, cross and multi-cultural issues, foster children, child development, parenting, and personality disorders;Author: twenty-one project/books on couples therapy for a doctoral program, including substantial work on major complications in couples and couples therapy (including depression, anxiety, domestic violence, personality disorders, addiction, and affairs); articles for the Journal of the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapist (CAMFT) on working with teenagers, elder care issues affecting family dynamics, and assessing dangerous clients, online courses for the National Association of Social Workers- California chapter (NASW-CA) on child abuse prevention, legal and ethical vulnerabilities for professionals, and difficult children, “Difficult Behavior in Early Childhood, Positive Discipline for PreK-3 Classrooms and Beyond” (Corwin Press, 2006), “The One-Minute Temper Tantrum Solution” (Corwin Press, 2008), and “Getting Beyond Bullying and Exclusion, PreK-5, Empowering Children in Inclusive Classrooms,” (Corwin Press, 2009); Asian Pacific Islander Parent Education Support (APIPES) curriculum for the City of San Francisco Department of Human Services (1996), 4th-6th Grade Social Science Reader, Asian-American History, Berkeley Unified School District, Berkeley, CA, (1977), and trainer/speaker of 20 dvds on child development and behavior for Fixed Earth Films, and in another time and career three arts and crafts books for children: two with Symbiosis Press (1985 &1987) and one with Price, Sloan, and Stern (1986);Consultant and trainer: for social services programs working with youth and young adults, Asian-American community mental health, Severe Emotional Disturbance (SED) school programs, therapeutic, social support, and vocational programs for at risk youth, welfare to work programs, Head Start organizations, early childhood education programs and conferences, public, private, and parochial schools and organizations,Clinical supervisor: for therapists in Severe Emotional Disturbance (SED) school programs, child and family therapists in a community counseling agency, Veteran Affairs in-patient clinician working with PTSD and dual diagnoses, foster care services manager for a school district, manager/supervisor for the Trevor Project-San Francisco, and therapists in a high school mental health clinic;Educator: credentialed elementary and secondary teacher, Masters of Psychology instructor for Licensed Marriage & Family Therapy (LMFT) and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) track students, 16 years in early childhood education, including owning and running a child development center for 11 years, elementary & secondary teaching credentials, community college instructor, and trainer/speaker for staff development and conferences for social services organizations including early childhood development, education, social work, and psychotherapy.Other professional roles: member Ethics Committee for six years and at-large member Board of Directors for four years for the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapist (CAMFT), and member Board of Directors of the California Kindergarten Association (CKA) for two three-year terms.Personal: married since 1981 after dating since 1972 to girlfriend/wife/life partner with two wonderful strong adult daughters, and fourth of five American-born children from immigrant parents- the older of the "second set" of children.

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    Off, Odd, Different... Special? Learning Disabilities, ADHD, Aspergers Syndrome, and Giftedness in Couples and Couple Therapy - Ronald Mah

    Off, Odd, Different… Special?

    Learning Disabilities, ADHD, Aspergers Syndrome, & Giftedness in Couples and Couple Therapy

    Published by Ronald Mah at Smashwords

    Copyright 2013 Ronald Mah

    Ronald Mah's website- www.ronaldmah.com

    Smashwords Edition, License Notes

    This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

    ****

    Linked Table of Contents

    Abstract

    Introduction: WHAT IS WITH THIS PERSON?

    Chapter 1: TIME, ATTENTION, & ENERGY DEMANDS

    PLAY & RELATIONSHIP – CONVERSATION & PLAY

    PROBLEMATIC VS. PRODUCTIVE COMPENSATIONS

    SOCIALLY INEPT & TARGETED

    Chapter 2: SOCIAL CUES

    PRESENTING INADVERTENT CUES

    CONTINUUMS or LABELS

    Chapter 3: GETTING TOO MUCH – NOT GETTING IT

    GIFTEDNESS- DIFFERENT OR SPECIAL MEANS NOT FITTING IN

    INTENSE MOTIVATION

    ASYNCHRONIC DEVELOPMENT & GENDER BIAS

    OVEREXCITABILITY &OVERSENSITIVITY- GETTING TOO MUCH

    Chapter 4: NOT GETTING IT IN THE COUPLE- Part I

    REASONS INDIVIDUALS DON'T GET IT!

    PHYSICAL DISABILITY - Compensation

    CROSS-CULTURAL ISSUES - Cross Cultural Education

    OVER-STIMULATION – De-Stress

    DENIAL – Alleviate Fear

    ANXIETY – Stabilize/Secure

    NEUROSIS – Reality Filter/Check

    DISASSOCIATION – Trauma Work

    INTOXICATION/SUBSTANCE ABUSE – Sobriety

    SCHIZOID PERSONALITY DISORDER – Behavior Training

    PSYCHOSIS – Stabilization

    Chapter 5: NOT GETTING IT IN THE COUPLE –Part II

    LEARNING DISABILITIES – Compensation

    PROCESSING DIFFICULTIES & DIFFERENCES

    MISDIAGNOSED & MISUNDERSTOOD- TRYING HARD BUT JUST STUPID

    DEVELOPMENTAL INDICATORS OF LEARNING DISABILITIES

    COMPENSATION- TRY DIFFERENTLY, NOT TRY HARDER!

    STRENGTHS & WEAKNESSES OF DIFFERENT LEARNING STYLES

    Chapter 6: ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER (and ADD) - Focus

    DSM DIAGNOSIS

    NEGATIVE EXPEREIENCES SET RELATIONSHIPS QUICKLY

    Chapter 7: ASPERGERS SYNDROME – Rote Learning

    DSM Criteria for Diagnosis of ASPERGERS DISORDER

    SIX CORE CHARACTERISTICS

    DIFFICULTY INTERPRETING MENTAL STATES

    INTERACTIONS WITH INTIMATES/PEERS

    THEORY OF MIND & RELATIONSHIP CONSEQUENCES

    PROBLEMATIC SOCIAL COMPENSATIONS

    Chapter 8: FIT AND MISFIT

    CULTURAL CHARACTERISTICS OF INDIVIDUALS WITH CHALLENGES

    SPECIAL (PERFECTION) IS A HARD FIT

    MACHINES ARE EASIER

    THAT'S A STUPID JOB!

    HARD TO BE ME

    Conclusion: LEARNING IS STUDY AND PRACTICE

    Bibliography

    Other Books by Ronald Mah

    Biographic Information

    ****

    Abstract:

    When the therapist or a partner wonders if someone seems off, odd, different, or special, it is a clinical clue to the underlying issues causing dysfunction in the couple. Some individuals have demanded disproportionate time, attention, and energy from childhood and now as adults stress partners in the intimate relationship… and the therapist in session. Learning disabilities (LD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Aspergers Syndrome (AS), and giftedness not only affect academic and cognitive performance in childhood but can also negatively impact social/relational dynamics. Of concern for the therapist, the impact endures and continues for the individual in his or her adult intimate relationships. The therapist will be guided to the existential experience of gifted individuals and other challenged individuals as misfits. Giftedness or extremely proficient capacities must be examined for often unanticipated overwhelming emotional and psychological stress and confusion.

    The worlds of the LD, ADHD, AS, of gifted individual are examined for corruption of self-esteem and self-image problems starting in childhood and exacerbated by mature intimacy demands. The therapist will learn how to recognize when inaccurate interpretation of social cues harm relationship functionality. The therapist will learn how LD, ADHD, and AS are among thirteen reasons individuals miss social cues. Addressing ineffective reading of the non-verbal communication from a partner will improve receptive and expressive communication for both partners, but for the challenged individual in particular. Therapeutic strategies for dealing with the negative influences of LD, ADHD, AS, and giftedness for the individual direct couple therapy. The therapist will learn about common ineffective and problematic compensations used by challenged individuals, as well the principles for effective response. The therapist is guided to incorporate knowledge about such challenges into therapy to counter harmful impact on and thus, improving the couple's relationship.

    Link to Table of Contents

    ****

    **Author’s Note: Other than public figures or people identified in the media, all other persons in this book are either composites of individuals the author has worked with and/or have been given different names and had their personal identifying information altered to protect and respect their confidentiality.

    Introduction: WHAT IS WITH THIS PERSON?

    Faith: Hi Brody, look I got my new magazine!

    Brody: Hey Faith, I have a new magazine too. It's about firewall technology of emerging countries.

    Faith: Ok... I got my magazine too. It came today. It's about…

    Brody: There are articles about how the totalitarian governments dealing with information exchange while trying to maintain the status quo.

    Faith: Oh… well, my magazine is about the palaces in Beijing and the Great Wall of China.

    Brody: China? Some people think the government in China has a lot invested in keeping Western ideas about democracy away from the Chinese people. The demonstrations in Tiananmen Square in 1989 were difficult for the authorities to deal with, and that's nothing now compared to trying to control information that comes through the internet. Facebook was instrumental for the people to organize to challenge the Egyptian government and the fall of Mubarak.

    Faith: Oh… well, they started to build the Great Wall over 2500 years ago.

    Brody: The Great Firewall of China started in 1998 to try to control the people's access to the internet. That's what Westerners call it, but they call it the Golden Shield Project. It is to keep Western influences out either way.

    Faith: Uh huh, they've been at it for quite a while then…

    Brody: The project can block content by preventing IP addresses from being routed through. It has standard firewalls and proxy servers at the internet gateways. It can choose to use DNS poisoning when particular sites they don't want accessed are requested. The Chinese government can't systematically look at all internet content, because that would be technically impractical. Since it is disconnected from the rest of the world of IP routing protocols, the network in the Great Firewall is sometimes called the Chinese autonomous routing domain.

    Faith: Umm… I'm going to go and read my magazine… bye! Uh… going… going…

    Brody: China might have the most sophisticated content-filtering Internet stuff in the world. They're more effective than other countries in effectively filtering content by employing all kinds of regulation and technical controls. Of course, the authorities say they're only trying to censor bad stuff like superstitious information, porn, violence, gambling, and anti-Chinese information… Faith? Uh… where you going? (why's she leaving? She never wants to talk with me! No wonder we have problems)!

    Faith came for individual therapy because she wanted to decide if she should stay in her marriage to Brody. Both in their mid-forties, they had been married for ten years after dating for six years. There had always been communication problems between them. She said Brody was a good guy. He certainly was a hard worker. Brody was a senior software engineer at a major information technology company. He did not drink, do drugs, gamble, cheat on her, or any number of other negative behaviors. But he also did not do… enough. Or, he did what he wanted and didn't do what she wanted. The therapist asked about his family-of-origin. As far as Faith could tell, there was not any crazy family stuff that affected him. His dad like Brody was very intelligent. He had worked for IBM back when the international business machines were not personal computers. He had been part of the generation of engineers that built the big computers that sent the astronauts into space. Faith liked Brody's parents, but found their visits somewhat odd. Brody and his dad would spend almost all their time playing chess. They had kept score for years and the win-loss totals where in hundreds. Brody's mom, Paige was as extroverted as Brody and his dad were introverted. She was warm, gregarious, and delightful to be with. She kept both sides of the conversation going for her and Brody's dad. She was a lot like… like Faith! Faith said that Brody seldom shared his experiences and feelings with her. The relatively rare times her sharing triggered him expressing about himself, the conversations often turned out like the one above. Sometimes, she felt like he was making a speech and all she was good for was to be the audience. In social situations, he might go on and on like he did with her. He seemed oblivious to whether others were getting bored or not. Other times, when the conversations were lively and bouncing among three or four people, he seldom participated. He would watch with a frozen smile- looking a bit wide-eyed. Faith noticed that Brody's dad did the same thing at social functions too. It seemed like Faith and Brody's mom, Paige with their lively social repartee made up for the social energy the men lacked. And there were a lot of other things… mostly little things, that she did not pay that much attention earlier in their relationship. Over time however they did not change as she had hoped, and they became more annoying. Finally, one day when they were alone, Faith asked Brody's mom, What is with Brody?

    Paige admitted that Brody was always a bit different… a bit special. Brody did not talk much when he was a toddler but caught up quickly after he turned three. He was a bit of a klutz too. Brody was ok but tended to let others initiate conversations or play. He got really into trains for a while- especially, Thomas the Train. Later, it was dinosaurs. You could ask him when he was four years old just about anything about dinosaurs. It was cute that he knew the Latin names for the dinosaurs. Brody could play just fine by himself for hours. He'd be in his own world playing the same game with his toys over and over. He wasn't particularly flexible and did a lot better when there was routine and structured. In fact, he had a hard time with transitions and threw tantrums. He also got upset, started screaming, or became inconsolable over seemingly trivial things. But he was always bright. He picked up numbers and counting real quickly- much more quickly than his brother did later. He remembered all kinds of things, including things and facts that Paige and other adults didn't think kids would be interested in. While Brody grew out of some characteristic, there were other characteristics that Faith saw were still a part of Brody- a part of forty-five year old Brody.

    1. Brody startled unexpectedly when he was little. Now, he still acted like he was ambushed sometimes.

    2. He often didn't understand what other kids wanted. Faith didn't think he understood what she wanted.

    3. Got anxious for no apparent reasons.

    4. Got confused often.

    5. He wouldn't let it go of odd things.

    6. He avoided spontaneous social interactions.

    7. He had trouble sustaining a conversation.

    8. As a kid, Brody would cry inconsolably over small issues. He'd shut down and avoid talking to Faith if they had disagreements.

    9. Frequent toileting accidents despite being trained. Fortunately, that wasn't still a problem!

    10. He had trouble making friends as kid. Currently, Faith was the social coordinator for both of them. They tended to socialize with her friends and her friends' spouses. Sometimes, Brody would hit it off with the spouses, but often times not.

    11. Brody would be very clingy with his parents as a child. Brody didn't like Faith going off in social situations and leaving him alone.

    Paige said since Brody was her first child, she didn't realize that all children were not the same until her younger son was born when Brody was four. His brother was very social right away, while Brody had taken longer. Paige admitted he did some things that were just off at the time. For a couple of weeks, he would take food garbage from trashcans to eat. And, when he was younger Brody frequently seemed mystified about what other kids wanted. He had problems empathizing with other children, and still did not seem to get how Faith felt at times.

    Empathy is without question an important ability. It allows us to tune into how someone else is feeling, or what they might be thinking. Empathy allows us to understand the intentions of others, predict their behavior, and experience an emotion triggered by their emotion. In short, empathy allows us to interact effectively in the social world. It is also the glue of the social world, drawing us to help others and stopping us from hurting others (Baron-Cohen and Wheelwright, 2004, page 163). Baron-Cohen and Wheelwright discussed empathy from several perspectives. Empathy may be seen as the observer's emotional response to the affective state of another. In the couple discussed, that would be Brody's emotional response to Faith's feelings. Empathy can be seen as occurring in four varieties:

    1. the feeling in the observer must match that of the person observed (e.g., Brody would feel upset when he sees Faith being upset);

    2. the feeling in the observer is appropriate to the other person's emotional state in some other way, without necessarily matching (e.g., Brody may feel worried at Faith's frustration or anger);

    3. the feeling in the observer may be any emotional response to another's emotion (e.g., Brody may feel happy when Faith is frustrated). This is called contrast empathy.

    4. the feeling in the observer must be one of concern or compassion to another's distress (e.g., Brody would feel concern for Faith feeling unimportant to Brody) (page 164).

    Since couples often operate from an implicit golden rule that asserts that if one loves and cares for the other, he/she will automatically or strive to be emotionally connected. Getting or confirming the partner's feelings is considered fundamental to the relationship. Thus, failure to be empathetic and behave in a compassionate caring manner becomes a

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