You said You saw Angels

you said you saw angels

F.S.H.S.

Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2014 F.S.H.S.

License Notes: This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this ebook with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Ebook formatting by www.ebooklaunch.com

Table of Contents

Foreword

The Hurt

No End

Surprise!

Mental Adjustments

Wearing Out

Stabbing on

A Space in Time

Lessons Learned?

Foreword

The events written of within these pages are all true, taking place for the most part, from the beginning of 2005 to March 2014. At times, I write of my memories of childhood and other events after, but these are just regressions to help clarify the chain of events that take place in the future.

I'm just an ordinary person who began writing this journal as a way of coping with the catastrophe I created, and the sadness that took place afterward. As anyone can tell, I'm not a trained writer. The words on these pages were originally penned by hand and used as therapy for the darkest time of my life.

If you're an atheist, one who believes all life on this planet evolved from amino acids and methane gas, that the living God only exists as myth and legend or a flying spaghetti monster, then you should close this book now. To you, the words on these pages will seem to be the rants of a delusional madman, one who believes in something he can't detect with his five senses and so can't exist. For you, there will be no meaning here.

And if you're a good religious churchgoer, one who believes that visiting the place of your religion every week, putting money in the plate and then living your life any way you choose will secure your place in heaven, you, too, should close these pages. I talk about those who are like you in unflattering terms.

But if you're one of those peculiar people who believes and trusts the living God, one who calls yourself a born-again Christian, and if you've ever considered following your own path, you may want to read this book.

Giving all thanks to the only Living God and His Holy Son.

Thanks to my brother Max for listening to my grief and supporting me in my sorrow; you also nearly drove me to distraction, but you were there whenever the walls began to close in.

Thanks to my sons, Jeff and Lance who supported me even while still loving their mother.

Thanks to my two sisters, Annette and Sharon, who, even with their own crushing trials, still took time to pray for me and show me love.

And special thanks to my friends Ann and Beth for their tireless support and encouragement.

The Hurt

January 10, 2006

You searched my car the other night and destroyed one of the tapes you found, but that wasn't what you were looking for. You might as well stop looking; you won't find it.

I'm certain you went to an attorney in the middle of December. You took my last journal with you and told her what you wanted to do. She told you that filing charges against me for fraud and forgery wouldn't be a problem, but if you did, I would have to defend myself. She told you one picture was worth a thousand words, thus your attempt to have me destroy it in your presence. I've already told you that anger alone wouldn't be motivation to use the picture against you, even though the thought of revenge is tempting. If there is any revenge to be had, it doesn't belong to me. If He takes revenge, it will be far worse than anything I can do to you.

You lost your wedding ring in December. That's what happens when you're always taking it off. You said you thought I might have pawned it; it might be worth twenty dollars at a pawnshop. I told you I'd pawn my guitars first. Not that wearing your ring ever meant anything. You wore it while in bed with your adultery partner.

You said that over the weekend, a woman called our neighbor Susan and told her to stay out of our family's business. The caller didn't identify herself, but you thought it was the whore, Pat. You misunderstood her name when you listened to my voicemail. This is little kid stuff; one of Jeff's misguided friends or maybe even one of yours. That wouldn't surprise me; you behave like you're twelve, after all. Pat doesn't even know that Susan exists, and since I've had no contact with her since the beginning of December, I'm sure she's forgotten I exist as well. She's a real Xmas lover by the way. Her place was fully decorated on the eighteenth of November.

You still attend your place of religion every week, of course, along with your religious social club on Friday evenings. Since you still continue to deceive and lie, these activities are as much of a joke as ever: a fresh coat of whitewash every week. Since you follow deception in the name of God, I'm not surprised by anything you do.

I packed your suitcase when you lied to me again on December seventeenth. You tried to break into my voicemail that morning. When I told you I thought a number I didn't recognize was the perp, you said, "It wasn't me, Honey, I promise!" I didn't say it was you, didn't think it was you before you came downstairs and told me the truth.

When I said, So then you wouldn't mind if I broke into your phoneI was informed that your voicemail was none of my business. No kidding. Between messages from fornication partners and lawyers, I'm not surprised.

Your lie about not trying to break into my voicemail wasn't the only one under consideration at the time. I'd heard the lie in your voice when you called from the office the night before. You had seen the lawyer that afternoon although I didn't know about this deception at the time. I just heard the lie in your voice. When you called again later to say you were on your way home, your voice had a defiant tone, as if you were now quite conscious of the apologetic one of your previous call. I brought this up to you when you got home. You began to talk fast about your frustration with a customer. You talked too much; your lie was now obvious. You were clearly frustrated with the legal advice you received that day.

January 11, 2006

Today is Wednesday. Tomorrow night, you'll have another forty-five-minute session with your religious marriage counselor. Since you don't love me and want a divorce so badly, I fail to see the reason you continue with this, but then I realize she's just trying to make you feel better about leaving. Nothing is your fault. You've completely justified your position. Committing adultery with a married man is unimportant; you feel that paying your share of the household expenses is unfair, especially after I brought us to the brink of ruin with my failed trades in commodities.

You make occasional small talk about meaningless things. I answer back politely, but usually, I'm silent as much as possible. I would prefer to have no conversation with the woman I love who doesn't love me. Conversation is difficult with someone I know is on an endless search for whatever she can use against me legally. I was aching to touch you until I started this journal. I made my last attempt after we had Xmas dinner. You held up an aluminum foil box as if brandishing a weapon, telling me to be nice. That was my last attempt. I'm not counting on you touching me.

Left to my own devices, I wouldn't stop my attempt to put you out of the house, especially since this is your plan. You would much rather put me out, of course. This would only require a few lies and maybe the help of your deception partner. I'm sure you're researching all the possibilities. Jeff's anger makes little difference to me. At first, that night I packed your suitcase, I was going to put you both out, but I had to consider Lance, as well, since he's completely innocent. Jeff is one of your enablers. He may feel the weight of my anger at another time.

Since that night, I've thought about a few things; like how each time I allow my emotions to take over, situations are made worse. So for now, I've decided to be quiet and let Him work. Since He knows the beginning from the end, all of His decisions will be right, even when those decisions appear to be against me. I'm keenly aware of His presence now; I'm cognizant of the war I knew about but was never impressed with; the war between my self-will and the will of the Spirit.

Since your counseling is based upon the falsehood of religion, it will serve you no purpose. Your counselor knows nothing about the Spirit of God or that one even exists. I only say this after being told that Christianity isn't truth—faith is truth. This is the statement of a fool; a very educated fool, but a fool nonetheless. In Scripture, this is called the counsel of the ungodly, so no good will come from this.

January 12, 2006

This is the third month since my infidelity. I'm hoping it's the month of completion. Then again, it may not be the completion I'm looking for.

You sat on the bed this morning when you brought my coffee; you put your arm around me. I was surprised. I put mine around you when you lay back down, but I was still afraid to touch you. We hugged and kissed when I left, but this was just a trick. You still have your secrets. You hide your purse every night and, of course, your phone, so I take it for granted that a current deception is ongoing. I can't really talk to you. The less I say, the less you can repeat to total strangers.

January 13, 2006

You didn't want to talk when you got home from your counseling session last night. I'd bought vodka; you had a couple of drinks and went to bed. When I came up at ten thirty, you were snoring loudly. I was tempted to search for your purse, but only for a moment. With what I hold, I'm not worried about your twelve-year-old mentality or your secrets. Keep your secrets.

This morning, for whatever reason, you reminded me of the dreams you used to have about my having a girlfriend. You're paranoid even in your sleep. I left for work without touching you.

I started reading the Book of Hosea the other night, turning to it for no particular reason. In it, God is angry with His earthly wife, referring to her as a whore. He instructs Hosea to take a whore wife and have children with her, then He names each child; one name meaning 'not your God.' Through Hosea, He rudely speaks of His anger and the judgment He intends to pour out on His adulteress wife. These are judgments that have been and have yet to be fulfilled; just as our judgments are.

January 16, 2006

You went to work Saturday, or so you say. Back home at three thirty, you started cleaning the end of the kitchen counter. I heard you tell a friend on the phone that you were throwing away junk mail from '04. You clogged the fireplace with all the paper and I asked you not to put any more in. You did laundry and cleaned the junk off your dresser and chest of drawers. You asked me if I was proud of all your hard work.

Saturday was cloudy with a cold drizzle. I helped our neighbor get tree branches out of his front yard and took some junk to the dump. Other than that, I did nothing but watch TV while sitting by the fire.

It turned cold Saturday night. We had a dusting of snow on the leaves in the morning. When you left for your weeks' worth of whitewash, you asked if I needed anything from the store. No, I didn't; still making it a point to talk to you as little as possible. You left without saying goodbye. I went outside for firewood; the sun was bright but bitterly cold with a north wind that cut like a knife. After bringing in a couple of loads, I preferred to be inside by the fire.

You came home later than usual for a Sunday, and of course, I didn't ask why. Once again you worked on laundry and cleaned up. Jeff took trash bags of stuff out of his room. You tell me you can't stand all the junk anymore. I'd like to get rid of the junk in the corner of our bedroom; the huge pile of dolls and stuffed animals. From what I can tell, most of what you own can be thrown away. You said you wanted to clean out the master bedroom closet. It would be nice if you did that soon.

January 26, 2006

I was writing my last entry while you were stripping the house. January was the third month. All I can do now is wait on Him; He'll be the judge. I had a feeling it wasn't going to be the completion I wanted.

January 27, 2006

The carpet-cleaning guy just left. None of the bad stains will come out but at least it's clean. It took some time to clean the dust and assorted trash you left; your moving friends must have choked a few times when picking up the furniture. I spent most of this past weekend burning it a little at a time; it kept the house nice and warm. It's 2:45 now and I'm wondering where you are at the moment. You've agreed to come here tomorrow afternoon to help spruce things up. If you don't bring Lance with you, it'll be the first time we've been alone since you left. I'm sure you'll bring someone, though, knowing what a dangerous monster I am.

I took the pictures you left upstairs and hung them in the living room. I'm glad we never found the big picture to put over the couch. At least that large, bare part of the wall doesn't bother me. I'm going to ask you to bring back the boxes for the front windows so they'll look a little more buyer-friendly.

When you came home with Lance the other night, I ached all over to touch you, but you were only there to sign the listing agreement. Of course you wanted to remind me of your warning that you would leave if I didn't get help. Your adultery, subsequent lies and deceit had closed my ears; your 'confession' to Jeff was wrong and unnecessary, done to gain his alliance. I've never been angrier in my life. Your 'confession' to your religion teachers didn't make me this angry. I don't care who they are or what they think. I care about Jeff. Are you nuts? You want to confess to everyone except the one you need to confess to.

I didn't change the locks but I've been collecting keys. I got yours the other night and Jeff's last night. I went next door to Susan's to see if she had one, but Kippy was the only one home. When I left, he called you. The home line was ringing when I walked back in the door.

You said you were furious! How could I involve Kippy? Is this what I think of you? At the moment, you don't want to know what I think of you. You were about to go into your appointment with your counselor and angrily hung up. I was angry at you and angry with myself for having said anything to Kippy. I learned a good lesson. I was curious to know if you would learn anything from your time with Sister Mary.

You called back while I was talking to Dad. I didn't answer and you didn't leave a message. When Dad got off, I called Max, then after a few minutes with him, I called you. You were asleep but still answered and apologized for your earlier call; I apologized for upsetting you. I still love you very much. The other night, I told you that when I'm eighty years old, I'll still be in love with you. I can't just switch it off, even after all this.

February 7, 2006

If our coming together twenty-two years ago was by His hand, then what you're doing now is your own self will. If it was not by His hand, I suppose it doesn't matter. Only He can be the judge of this.

You called Max the day you left just to let him know; told him you didn't want to hurt me emotionally or financially and that you didn't want a divorce. All of this is just more lies from a pathological liar. You've told me you love me since you left; this is a lie as well. You don't know what love is any more than you know what truth is.

Yesterday was a Sunday. I saw you pull into Susan's driveway while I was bringing firewood in. You'd been to the tanning salon and then brought something back to Susan on a pretext. I hadn't called you all week and you complained to Max about this on Saturday; telling him I didn't care and that I obviously had a 'girlfriend.' Yep, you're still twelve. Your visit to Susan was meant to check on me for this reason. I was hoping you'd get back in your car and drive away, but of course I knew you wouldn't. I was having lunch when you rang the bell; I didn't want to answer, but you would've come to the back door anyway. I let you in and went back to the table. You asked if we'd had any offers on the house. I said no and that I wasn't worried about selling the house; I didn't have to. I said I might rent rooms and knew without a doubt this would make you furious, though you didn't come back with an argument.

I finished my lunch and went to the couch; you stood in front of the fire with nothing to say. I asked if you had settled in yet. You were still getting things straight; the guys at the shop were building closets for you. When things were finished, you'd have me come over to see what a nice house you're living in. I have no intention of taking you up on your future invitation.

You look at me and smile several times without saying anything. I have nothing to smile about. I didn't want to see you today; don't want to see you for a while under these circumstances. It's not like you're coming home next week. It's not like you're ever coming back at all.

February 14, 2006

The post office returned most of the mail I forwarded to you. I tried to call this afternoon to let you know, but your phone cut off after a couple of rings. I called Jeff and told him to pick it up. You still haven't sent your change-of-address forms in, organized as usual. Good thing Mommy and Daddy are financing you. You wouldn't be able to support your independent lifestyle on your own.

Three weeks out of the house and Jeff has an accident; a rear-ender. I'm wondering what will happen in the next three weeks. I'm aware that my recognition of these numbers might only be my imagination, but the hike you're about to get in vehicle insurance premiums isn't; and you thought the insurance was difficult to pay for now. The M&D factor will pull you through, though.

Even though I understand I'm not you're judge, my opinion is that this is not by His direction. I can't deny it's by His allowance. My chastening may get worse and you may never be chastened at all; only He knows; but if this is the end, your chastening may come much later. Cindy's came nine years after she left. She must've been torn to pieces to have called after all that time, and blaming me for her misery.

I'm hoping that remaining celibate will make a difference in the way I'm treated. I thought it did the last time when I found you, but even then I was uneasy. I always felt that getting involved with you was a mistake. I didn't want to come back after the first time we separated, but I loved you and the boys too much. There won't be any celibacy from you, of course. It might take a month or two, but you'll be the next one's spiritual advisor, too. Trying to make a clean thing out of an unclean thing isn't possible; though I'm sure you'll try. Pride, anger and self-will is all I see from you right now; not to mention religious hypocrisy. Do you really think there's something to be gained by these?

I want to make all of this go away. I need to hit the lottery and bring you back because that's all the problem is about: money. You're frightened of old age. For all your talk of having faith, you don't seem to have any.

February 16, 2006

A company employee was killed while working yesterday. I got the phone call from a project superintendent just minutes after a call from you. Since this employee was in my division, I guess I'm the contact person for fatal accidents as well as everything else. The ambulance was on site while we spoke and the caller sounded shaken up as he watched the young man die; it certainly made my problems seem insignificant. I immediately sent out phone and radio calls to every boss and field super I could reach. Poor guy, I knew him only in passing. His skill level wasn't much above a laborer. It always seems even more terrible when a poor working man gets killed on the job; as if being paid more would make any difference. He left behind a wife and two little boys. I thought about my own two sons that I love so much. I wanted to leave the office right then and find them, hug and kiss them. I thought, Please Lord, don't let anything happen to my boys! After all this, I couldn't survive losing either one of them; it's too horrible to even contemplate.

You called my cell while I was in a company meeting. I don't know why you don't call the office number. When I called you back, you said you might have someone to buy the firewood. There's not enough money in the firewood to worry about. Maybe you think you're helping me with this stuff, but at the moment, I don't want any help from you at all.

The check from the insurance company came for Jeff today; over $2,000 worth of damage to his car, and then they have to pay for the one he hit. I don't want to be on this policy any longer, but I told Jeff that as long as you paid the premiums, I'd stay on. I'm sure M&D will take care of it for you. I'd get off the policy right this minute but that would appear vindictive. You can't afford the premiums now, and my driving record is the only thing keeping them low.

Still no papers from your attorney, and I'm thinking there may not be for a while. When you establish the relationship with your next adultery partner, the papers will come. Right now, you don't want the picture brought up; but eventually, you'll lose any fear of this. I don't want to use it against you, but you may leave me with no choice. Counter-charging you with adultery and desertion may not help me much in this State, and I'm sure your attorney has already told you this. To use the picture to only cause you embarrassment doesn't interest me.

I called you after 10:00 last night. Since it was so late, I was hoping to get your voicemail but you answered, sounding like you were asleep. I told you I didn't mean to be short with you on the phone this morning, but what I should've told you was that I didn't want you calling me at work; it's too distracting!

The lonely feeling of living in the house by myself seems to dissipate more each day. Last night I actually smiled as I came up the drive; house to myself, no worries about face-to-face confrontation, what to say or not to say.

February 17, 2006

You called last night around six thirty. At first I wasn't going to answer, but then I thought it might be Lance. You asked if I had the iron; Lance was going on a field trip to the opera and had to look nice. You have the iron, Esther; you just haven't found it yet. You give a silly laugh and admit that's the case. I miss your silly laugh, but not your phony one; the one you would start out with when you thought something was funny, but no one else did. Even Jeff said this bothered him.

Monday evenings still seem the hardest to take for some reason. Sometimes I feel claustrophobic and can't breathe. I had to go out several times this past Monday and Tuesday nights, feeling like I needed air. I suppose it's the psychological impact from what's happening.

I cooked a sirloin tip roast with potatoes and celery last night. It came out pretty good; still just a little pink inside. I became accustomed to dinner alone long before you left. This past experience seems to be helping me now.

When I got the mail today, a joint credit account with your charges only was thirty days past due. I immediately called and got your voicemail, and I asked if you were now trying to ruin my credit. I sent the minimum payment in and sent you a copy of the bill with a note saying I would have to cancel the health and car insurance in order to pay your bills if you were unable to do so. I'm going to give you a week to respond to this, although I'm sure you won't. I understand your mindset is you shouldn't have to pay your bills. So now we're going to play hardball. Cancelling all the insurance will certainly bring my summons. I'm so angry right now I can't even see straight!

February 20, 2006

I received another credit bill on Saturday. You retained an attorney for $5000. This would just be another one you'd ignore, even though you're the primary on the account! When I called to ask if that was your intent, you angrily asked why I opened your mail. I said, Because my name was on it, in a matter-of-fact tone. You screamed that was only a technicality and still raging, declared the conversation over, hanging up on my ear. I mailed the bill to you.

I knew you'd consulted with an attorney back in December. Stripping the house and leaving was from that consultation. I knew you were planning to leave when you said you had no plan to do so. My experience with you is you do the exact opposite of whatever you say, so the attorney was no surprise. Since you ignored the overdue bill I received on Friday, I took it for granted this one would be ignored as well.

You called back to explain why. I already know why! What's to explain after all this? I told you to continue to follow your own path; see what it brings you. You said, Just like you followed your own path? I exclaimed, My point exactly! I keep forgetting two wrongs make a right. I said, Goodbye Esther! and hung up. You called right back, but I wouldn't answer. You called five times before leaving the message that I take all your mail to Susan; Kippy would pick it up. A useless message since I'd already done that. You called on Jeff's phone around three thirty. I answered it only when I saw his name; I won't fall for that trick again. You had the copy of the credit bill from Friday and said it was a mistake you hadn't paid it. You had just made the payment over the phone and would send me a check; you had money now. I said that would be fine. You called again when I got to Max's place and said you'd just transferred the balance to one of your own cards; that you would pay your own bills. That was all I wanted, although I'm sure that soon, you'll be demanding I pay them all.

Since you retained your attorney on the seventh of February, I suppose I'll be served this week. In our last phone conversation, you said the attorney was for your protection. No kidding. I didn't think he was for mine.

Max and I went to see Mom today. We took her for a walk; of course, it was a very slow walk. She goes back and forth between lucid and confused; calls Max by her dead brother's names and loves him to death. She loses track of who I am. If she dies while our situation is ongoing, I'll ask you not to attend the funeral. Right now, you're the last person I want to see there.

February 21, 2006

You were on the phone with Max when I called him last night. You want him to be a message carrier. Max has no interest in this and wants you to leave him alone. You told him I need help with anger management. I'm not the one who's been screaming into the phone for the last month or so. The fact you left in anger and not fear tells Max everything he needs to know. You had to lie to your religion friends to get their help. As long as you said you were afraid for your life, they were ready to do anything you wanted. You lied to your parents. This has always been your M.O. and of course, when you're the one telling the lies, it's okay. I'm beginning to wonder if I even want you back.

February has turned cold; all I need now is someone to share the fireplace. I want to forget about you. I want to wish trouble on you, but I think I don't need to. Anyone who claims to be a born-again Christian while following their own will to this extreme already has trouble coming. If the price for confessed adultery is as high as what I'm paying now, what must the price of adultery not confessed be?

You called me in the middle of rush hour traffic yesterday. I won't answer the phone while I'm on the interstate, so I returned your call when I reached a store. The first thing you wanted to tell me was that your Religion Teacher had talked about 1st John 1:9; how the words If we confess our sins were really supposed to be translated, if we come into agreement about our sins. I laughed and said I wasn't surprised by this interpretation. Religionists always try to get around the truth. No one wants the truth. I told you I'd talked to someone we both know about the same thing this past weekend; and he believes it means exactly what it says, but then, he hasn't been to the seminary.

Even while we were having this conversation, you asked if I would come to your house for Lance's birthday party this weekend. I flatly refused. I really don't want to talk to you, much less come to your house. No, we're not going to be the typical divorced couple, still good friends and moving ahead with our own lives, each of us finding someone else. I consider stepping foot in your house to be the same as condoning your actions, so this isn't going to happen.

I now expect to be served at any time. I'm not sure how I'll react to this, although I'm certain of what your demands will be. I don't want to make the situation any worse than it is now, but I'm not going to lie down either. Although my disgust with you is ever increasing, I still understand my commitments. Divorce will be on your head even if you have no conscience about it. You believe your will is justified now; how much more when the fighting begins?

February 27, 2006

I moved some of your junk out of the garage on Saturday morning; took some stuff to the dump. I can actually get my car in now. The mornings have been really cold lately; keeping the car in the garage is nice. This Monday morning had heavy frost. I was enjoying the clear windshield when you called. I hadn't talked to you at all for a few days, including the weekend, and then you were calling me as I'm getting on the highway. The first words out of your mouth were, So, how was your weekend? I could hear the smile on your face as you spoke. This was in reference to my missing car this weekend, not parked in the drive as usual. I told you my weekend had been fine but I preferred not to talk while negotiating the nutjobs on the road at the moment; I'd call you when I got to the office. When I did, you wanted to talk about credit cards; I had cancelled one that was in your name only. I told you to call the card company and explain the situation and see what they'd do for you. I find it hard to believe you think I care about your credit card situation in any way.

The realtor's holding an open house this weekend. I want to start clearing the attic but don't want to fill the garage with more of your junk. It felt so good to get in a car that wasn't an ice cube this morning, and it was cold outside; forecasting flurries tonight.

Jeff came over for dinner last night. I made another roast and he ate like he was starved. He said you were still making food for all week; complained that your refrigerator had a bad smell that permeated the food in it as well as the entire house. I could smell the odor on both him and you the last time you were here; a disgusting odor, like some kind of mold.

February 28, 2006

Kippy is living with you now; he couldn't stand living with his dad anymore. He's living with people he knows and has no restrictions on his coming and going. I know he's ecstatic.

The last time you talked to Max, you told him you weren't charging the boys any rent; Kippy gives you money for food. Jeff's story is a little different. He pays you thirty dollars a week and Kip pays you fifty. Why would you lie to Max? Are you compelled to lie to everyone? You live a lie, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised, knowing what a good churchgoer you are.

I'm still waiting to be served; maybe this week. I'm getting impatient to get this going and don't like sitting in limbo. The days at work are boring enough without having this on my mind. Even the phone has gone quiet, but this may change with the coming of spring, only a month away.

Jeff said you were angry I told you to continue to follow your own path. That's no surprise. I'm sure you've convinced yourself you're following His will. Nobody wants the truth. You told him to be careful before he came to have dinner with me. This meant, Be careful of what you say; you wouldn't want Jeff telling the truth about anything.

March 1, 2006

Still no papers from your attorney! You would think a $5000 retainer would have me served sooner. Funny, looking back on things now; this was the $5000 you said you needed to leave.

Phil plans to hold an open house this Sunday afternoon. Sunday will be cold, so there won't be much traffic, if any at all. This is really getting old fast. I want to leave this place now! Max thinks we should buy a condo together, but I'm not going to buy anything until you finalize your divorce. No way am I living with Max, though.

I feel anxious and shaky today. My arms are shaking. I'd attribute it to too much coffee, but I haven't had any more than usual.

Dad called this morning asking to take me to lunch; he said he had something important to discuss. It turned out to be more stuff about Sharon and Annette that doesn't concern me. Apparently, Sharon has power of attorney for Mom and Annette told Dad that if he sued Sharon for this, neither of them would attend Meeting any more. Not sure what this threat is supposed to accomplish, but I don't want any part of this. Dad created his own problems with the way he treated Mom all their married life; it's hard to have any sympathy for him now.

Two thirty p.m. and I still feel anxious. Can't wait to find out what this is all about. Probably nothing at all; or maybe this is the day I'll be served.

You just called and asked for the name of the dentist for Lance; he has a cavity. Such a small thing to be anxious about two days after this second three-week period. Just my imagination, I guess.

March 10, 2006

So at last I'm served. I'm glad you took this long; gave me plenty of time to mentally prepare. I called my lawyer this morning and made an appointment for Monday. Now that the bell has rung, I want to come out swinging. I want to make this as severe as I can against you, but of course the lawyer will tell me what I can and can't do. Maybe you'll get your picture in the paper and on TV. You want to do your best to hurt me; let's have everyone get hurt. Glad I only feel contempt for you now. You've had two months to prepare for this, but the summons only gives me twelve days. How kind of you. I'm sure my attorney will get the date extended.

You have to be expecting what I'll do. I didn't want to be vindictive but now you leave me no choice. The fact you chose a high-profile partner might work to my advantage. I want to damage him as much as you, but Lance will be damaged, too. This is your choice. I'm sure your lawyer has a contingency plan, like having me charged with fraud and forgery. Go ahead; for what you'll go through, it'll be worth it.

March 15, 2006

Yesterday was Lance's twelfth birthday. You gave him a big party you don't have the money to pay for. Good thing you can still tap M&D.

I went to my attorney yesterday. He looks like an old shark; I hope his teeth are still sharp. I don't want to hurt you, but at this point, I don't know what else to do. Maybe I can't hurt you at all. Maybe the adulteress who can't confess will be protected while I alone suffer damage. Whatever He wants is what I want, although at the moment, I want all of this to stop.

March 16, 2006

This Monday marks the end of the third three-week period since you left. While giving Jeff a ride home from work today, Kippy rear-ended another car. He blamed the glare of the sun on his windshield, but Jeff said he told him to slow down and Kippy ignored the warning. Neither of them was hurt, but Kip really smashed up his car. This accident happened almost thirty days after Jeff's rear-end collision. Now I'm becoming alarmed. No damage to you since you left; only Jeff and Kippy. I'm beginning to fear for Lance. I suggested to Susan that she try to talk Kippy into coming back home, but she said he's refused up to this point. I mentioned to her that things seem to happen in threes; her eyes got wide when I said this. Maybe she'll try to talk to Kip again.

I started cleaning out the attic last weekend. I took two truckloads of junk to the dump;