How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items

Introduction

Some things just need to be killed: King Kong, Hitler, a grizzly bear with a machine gun. Sure, King Kong and Hitler may be gone, but that bear is out there somewhere just waiting to pounce on you like the Viet Cong. Look out for Yogi, up in the tree. The world is full of evil things that want to kill you—wicked things like vampires, werewolves, zombies, and demon clowns. These beasts will not only try to kill you, they’ll try to eat you, sometimes starting with the naughty bits. Yes, you might be delicious, but that’s not the point. You need to kill these beasts before they sink their teeth into you, because once your blood is contaminated, you either become dinner or you become one of them. And that just causes problems, because someone (me/your spouse/your mom/your kid’s Little League coach/Mancow) will have to kill you. That’s where How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items comes in. Read it. I have a feeling you like to stay alive.

This book is a necessary weapon in the arsenal of every American family. If you think there’s no such thing as monsters, you obviously don’t watch cable news. Zombie attacks on unarmed American citizens are up ninety-five percent in this country since the Revolutionary War (which is why our Founding Fathers wrote the Second Amendment to the Constitution. Thomas Jefferson was terrified of monsters); werewolf attacks are up thirty-seven percent; and according to 2010 census data, there are more vampires in the United Sates per capita than in Europe, Russia, and Central Africa combined. This is probably due to the United States being the fattest nation on earth. With 30.5 percent of our population classified as obese, it’s no wonder we’re overrun with vampires, werewolves, and other man-hunting beasts; we’re easier to catch than the people in countries where people eat healthier, like Japan and Greece. Of course, since vampires are notoriously careless when it comes to filling out government paperwork, the number of walking, stalking undead tapping on our second-story windows at night, and going to PTA meetings is probably much higher than we know. A vampire attacked a man in my neighborhood just last night, and since the victim was the delivery driver for my favorite Chinese take-out place, I’m pretty pissed off right now. Oh, and hungry for wonton. Stupid vampires.

Each chapter in How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items describes the monster you need to kill, why you need to kill it, how to avoid it killing you, tools from around the house you can use, how the monster behaves while you’re killing it (monsters hate it when we kill them), and what to do with the body. Disposing of the body is important when you kill something that looks like people. The novice monster killer might fire a bullet right into the heart of a demon-infested werewolf only to watch it turn from a hellish monster into, potentially, a very dead Seth Green. Tell a cop your neighbor’s cooking methamphetamines and you’re a hero. Kill a werewolf that looks like Seth Green and suddenly you’re not the cop’s friend anymore.

Warning: Just in case the monster you’ve researched, stalked, and ripped the heart from might actually be Seth Green and not a creature from the pits of Hell, Chapter 13 contains legal advice and how to live in comfort while on the run.

The weapons I’ve chosen for you to wield against monsters might seem unconventional because they’re just things lying around, but ask yourself this: where do you spend most of your time? At home. Don’t take your living area for granted. When a monster breaks/sneaks/seduces its way into your personal space, everything you can grab is a potential killing device.

You: A hairy slathering demon beast just jumped through the living room window, taking out the cable during Archer, I might add, and all you grabbed to fight it with are a letter opener and a Crock-Pot. Seriously? What are you going to do, slow cook its mail to death?

Me: Go Time works like this (aptly demonstrating a quick stabbing motion to the monster’s neck with a Space Shuttle Challenger commemorative ceramic mail opener, and a crushing blow to the monster’s cranium with a Crock-Pot full of melted Rotel dip).

The Monster: (Can’t talk because its brain is hemorrhaging, and it’s suffocating on its own blood.)

How to Kill Monsters Using Common Household Items teaches you how to recognize and kill vampires, reanimated corpses, zombies, space aliens, robots, clowns, dinosaurs, gnomes, and a bunch of other beasties that want you dead. Okay, so vampires, reanimated corpses, robots, and zombies aren’t alive, so people might say you technically can’t kill them. These people are idiots and will be the first ones the monsters eat. Let’s look at zombies, the trashiest of the undead. Can you kill a zombie? Hell yes, you can kill a zombie. If you cut off something’s head and it stops trying to kill you, you killed it. Just because it flat-lined two months ago doesn’t mean it can’t die today.

What should you kill first? Let’s try vampires.

General Rules for Killing Monsters

Although there are different techniques involved in killing a scientifically reanimated corpse and killing a living dinosaur, the principle is the same. Monster + weapon = dead. It’s important, however, to remember that unless society has given up and admitted the monsters have won, people might get in the way when you start shooting. It’s probably best to avoid that.

1. Don’t kill people. If not for the moral implications, the legal headaches are maddening and, quite frankly, expensive.

2. Make sure the thing you’re going to kill is a monster. This is especially important during Halloween, Mardi Gras, or if you live in certain parts of New York. See Rule 1.

3. Be prepared for anything—even planting an ax in the head of something evil that looks exactly like you, such as your evil twin from another dimension. Warning: If you’re an actual twin, measure twice, cut once.

4. Make quick decisions. Ten seconds’ hesitation could mean the difference between your life, and their lunch.

5. Don’t show mercy; monsters won’t.

6. Look for outs (i.e. doors or other barriers you can put between yourself and the monster or vehicles you can use to escape the monster. This is vitally important when you put yourself in a position of weakness, such as when you’re taking a dump).

7. Time is your friend. Always carry something shiny and/or explosive to distract the monster while reloading.

8. Don’t fool around. If your goal is to kill a monster, do it. Kill it dead.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I invited you into my home and then you attacked my family.

Angel (a vampire): Why not? I killed mine.

—Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 1997

Chapter 1: Vampires

I’m not prejudiced. I mean, I have friends who are vampires; I just don’t want them in my house. Okay, so I don’t have friends who are vampires—at least not anymore. I had to kill them. If one of those blood-sucking demons entered your home, you’d have to kill it, too, even if it’s your dad.

I know killing vampires looks easy on television, but that’s just Buffy. She’s a bad ass (Bad Ass Factor 9 out of 10). Major problems arise when it comes to killing a vampire yourself.

Problem One: Vampires are harder to get rid of than out-of-town relatives, and like relatives, they’re as strange as religious cousins and drunken uncles. Some vampires are subtle killers, like the demonic Rakshasa of India that can change into animal form and lull its victims into a false sense of cuddliness; others are more disturbing, such as the German Alp, which sneaks into bedrooms and drinks blood from nipples. I don’t know what’s considered socially acceptable in German schlafzimmers, but if it’s a monster sucking blood from nipples, here’s a little traveler’s tip—stay away from hostels in Bonn. Whatever type of vampire has gained entry into your home, get rid of it with a four-pronged approach (actually, two prongs will do as long as they’re on the end of a pitchfork, and filed to a fine point): 1) know your enemy, 2) have a well-placed arsenal, 3) have a desire to stay alive, and 4) stock up on paper towels. (Killing vampires is messy.)

How to Identify the Undead

This is Problem Two: How do you tell if it is a vampire standing in your living room licking its lips, or if it’s Tim from next door who’s just really shitfaced? You can’t. Unlike the classic European walking-corpse vampire that looks like Nosferatu and smells like a truckload of hobos, the modern vampire is a bit harder to spot. Apart from hairy palms and an uncomfortable interest in phlebotomy, the modern-day vampire blends into society so seamlessly you’re a bit shocked when Tim rips out your throat. I mean, you took a casserole to his house when his mom was sick. Asshole.

Today’s vampires look like Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie, and have better moves than Michael Jackson. Take Edward Cullen, for example. No, seriously. Take him and make an example of him. Sure, millions of teenage girls and somewhat disturbed Twilight Moms would check into counseling if you do; but they probably needed to anyway. Unfortunately, the fact that vampires look like prom royalty also means the barista who served you that double-mocha caramel macchiato might be a demon beast from hell—or just really weird. Could be either one. Most of the time, we can’t recognize a vampire until it attacks, like a March 2010 encounter between a New York livery cab driver named Mahmoud and a man wearing a black jacket. According to CBS News, the man attacked Mahmoud, biting him multiple times on the neck. All from his teeth, Mahmoud told CBS News, showing the bite marks. All them is teeth. If this vampire had looked like Marlow from 30 Days of Night instead of Louis de Pointe du Lac from Interview with the Vampire, the cabbie would have given him the finger and kept driving.

Vampire Powers

A vampire is incredibly strong and fast. It can fly and hypnotize people with its gaze. It is difficult to injure unless you’re really trying, and it can probably make correct change for a twenty. A vampire is like Superman with a leather fetish. A vampire can also turn you into a vampire, which would suck on your part, because the moment you knocked on my car window asking for a jump-start, I’d kill you with a road flare to the face.

Vampire Weaknesses

The vampire’s greatest weakness is that it sleeps while we’re awake, which gives us a chance to catch it in footy pajamas and hammer a chunk of wood into its chest. Vampires are sensitive to precious metals, running water, garlic, and holy items. Unfortunately, not all vampires are harmed by the same things, so you have to know your regional vampire. For example, the Loupgarou of the Louisiana swamps is seriously OCD and straightens pictures and wall clocks like a madman. If you live in Louisiana, just carry a deck of cards because 1) a vampire scrambling to put the suits back in order after you’ve tossed the deck in the street will delay its attack long enough for you to set it on fire with a cigarette lighter and bottle of whiskey (if you live in Louisiana, you’re probably carrying both), and 2) Three-Card Monty. A lot of tourists come to New Orleans, and in these tough economic times, it’s nice to have a skill to fall back on.

How to Avoid Vampires

The first rule of surviving