Not in My Job Description

CHAPTER 1

What are friends for? Really, please tell me because I have no clue

I really need to just get away from it all. I sighed as I told Frannie about my latest work woes. My tales weren’t the full extent of what was happening in my life, but they were all she’d get.

We were at our favorite little sidewalk cafe, Vincent's, having a nice lunch. I chowed down on a tuna fish on rye with a few extra pickles on the side, because of the weird love affair I had with pickles, and she nibbled on a chef's salad.

Why don't you get away and go somewhere where the sun always shines? You can just sit and admire the view of washboard abs on the beach, she replied, and I winced. Really, Avery, that job at the library has got to be the most boring occupation in the world.

I disliked talking about work with Frannie. When I was required to lie, it got kind of tricky. At least the particular lie getting ready to come out of my mouth was one I’d told many times, and I'd gotten good at telling it.

"But I love books and I love working with kids. I’ve never wanted to be a teacher, so it’s the best of my dream worlds, for now. We’ve been over this before; when I can save up enough money, I’ll get that cute little corner bookstore.

And me in sun, I paused a second to laugh. Have you seen how pasty white I am? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen pictures of Casper and me on those Photoshop look-a-like sites, with people commenting on how freakishly accurate the similarities are. I really don’t think a vat of shellac could make me sit on the beach for more than a second.

You know, sometimes I wonder how we can be friends. I mean we really couldn't be more different. 

She was right. Frannie looked like a supermodel. We're talking a five-nine, one hundred and ten pound, blonde haired and blue eyed gorgeous supermodel. As far as I knew, she’d never had to work a day in her life, and while I was all about books, she was into fashion.

She had a driver to cart her off anywhere she wanted to go in the city and a private jet sitting on the runway in case Paris or Milan telepathically told her she was needed there. Her father owned one of the most successful chains of hotels on the planet, so she really had no cares in the world.

I, on the other hand, defined the meaning of the word average. There’s nothing special about a five-six, one hundred and forty pound, brown haired, blue eyed geek. The geek part could be considered a little special. Not that I really looked the geek part. No one ever saw me with glasses or a pocket protector.

I’d always been a little socially awkward and tended to relate more with characters in books than real people. The fake work I did at the library was supposed to be a research assistant type job. I mostly helped kids find information they needed for school reports, guiding them through the books and the Internet to find the most reliable and complete information.

At least that’s what Frannie thought I did. Technically, my job was similar, but without little kids and she didn’t have the clearance to know the branch of government that employed me. Okay, maybe the whole clearance thing wasn’t technically true, but I felt my occupation was better kept a secret from my globetrotting friend.

I chuckled. I seemed to do that a lot as a way to hide my nervousness when we spoke about subjects I wasn’t comfortable with.

You’re right. Why are we friends again? I bring nothing to this equation. Meeting at the gym and sharing jokes about the instructor’s inability to enunciate properly is a very odd way to start a lasting friendship.

How could we not start a friendship after finally figuring out where our bisons where located? That guy said ‘feel that burn all the way deep in your bisons’. Obviously, by the way we were moving our arms, and the muscles I felt burning, I knew he meant bicep, but come on, no one else in the room even acted like he said anything funny. We had to become besties for that reason alone, she said with a hint of an evil chuckle. Anyway, you wouldn’t happen to want to go to the Rangers game tonight, would you?

I happened to be a hockey nut, so the request made sense, but I got the feeling it was some kind of setup. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have plastered her most innocent-looking expression on her face. I didn’t really want to find out her wicked plans, but passing up a chance to see my boys live was insane.

Hmm, I think I might be free. Are you going to the game and happen to have a spare ticket? I asked as nonchalant as possible.

"Well, you know, since Daddy’s friends with the owner of the team, he always has a few tickets available and I was going to go, but Gary decided he wanted to go more cultural tonight and see a play instead. He has a friend from out-of-town visiting and we were all going to go to, but I thought it might be fun for you since you’re such a fan.

It’s me and Gary's three-month anniversary, so he thinks a night on Broadway is in order. I can’t wait to see what he got me for a present. The earrings for our two-month anniversary were beyond beautiful, Frannie gushed.

Gary was a dashing lawyer and all-around nice guy. They met at some charity function and hit it off right away. I’d gone out with them quite a few times as a third wheel and in a way I was glad they’d be off being lovey dovey somewhere else.

I guess if you aren’t using the ticket, I won’t turn you down. As I said that, I tried to figure out what wicked plan she was churning in her head, and then it hit me. You mentioned a friend from out-of-town; tell me he’s going with you to the play.

You see, Nathaniel isn’t really the cultural type. In fact, I hear he’s more into sports, so it really would be cruel to make him sit through the play, she replied in a childlike voice, as if her treating me like I was five would make it better.

Please tell me this isn’t some sort of blind date you’ve engineered. You know how much I hate them. I can’t talk to people I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel right and I get all flustered. You won’t even be there as a buffer. I’m going to be permanently tomato red. I could feel my face already turning a nice shade of pink just thinking about it as I rambled on.

It really won’t be that bad. Like I said, he’s into sports, so he might not notice you’re there, she explained.

Oh, that’s reassuring. You’re setting me up on a date where the guy will be talking more to the refs than me. I stopped and thought for a second. Wait, you know that’s actually kind of perfect.

I know. You can hit the quarterly date quota I instituted for you and there’s a good possibility you won’t have to speak. Frannie quickly looked down at her expensive watch, before glancing back at me with a huge smile on her face. Look at the time, I have to run and get some shopping done. Here’s your ticket. Have a great night and call me tomorrow with all the details.

She got up and rushed to her limo as I yelled, Happy anniversary. Have a great night yourself.

I looked down at my ticket and saw that it was a great seat up a few rows from the players’ bench. I had a feeling the date wasn’t going to be as bad as I originally thought.

* * *

On the bus ride back to work, I got hyped up for the game. If I remembered right, it was a division matchup and we’d beaten the other team two of the three times we’d already met during the season.

I was passionate enough about the game to include myself when I referenced the team. Chances were I’d topple over if I ever tried to lace up some skates, so I lived vicariously through the players. I just hoped that Gary’s friend was as into sports as Frannie claimed; otherwise it was going to be a really long night.

Getting off the bus, I stared up at my twenty-story building and I wondered what it would be like to work in a place with windows. It was a question I often asked, but didn’t really desire to find out an answer.

I made my way through the lobby towards the elevators and I nodded to the security staff as I swiped my badge through the reader before submitting to the mandatory retinal scan. Once the green light appeared, I was permitted to step on the elevator. After pressing SB2, I was on my way to the Pit of Despair. 

Down two levels in the basement, the Pit of Despair was a term coined by a former worker on his last day. His parting words out the door were, Hello sunshine, goodbye pit of despair. For some reason the term stuck and had been affectionately used ever since.

My work area was a small cube farm of three terminals where Carl, Liz and I spent about ten hours a day monitoring Internet traffic and phone lines for people doing nefarious deeds. We collected the evidence to put the people behind bars and I couldn’t help but be proud of my work getting some of the worst criminals off the street.

It was hard to believe the shy seventeen-year-old girl searching for evidence of alien landings by hacking into a NASA server ended up where I was. For some reason, the government didn’t think it was very funny that I tunneled my way in after a few days without sleep. They invited me to join the never heard of Bureau of Singular Intelligence. With an option of that or jail, I quickly signed on the dotted line.

Wow, Avery, looks like you’re getting a tan. Just how long were you out in the sun? Carl asked, poking fun at the fact that none of us spent more than maybe thirty minutes outdoors in a given day.

Carl had been around the dungeon the longest. He was recruited right out of college ten years prior. He was thirty-one, and really did look the part of a geek, pocket protector included.

He had shaggy, sandy blonde hair that was always getting in his eyes and he tended to wear some unneeded black, thick-framed glasses. Sometimes I wondered if he believed girls had cooties and decided the patented geek look would keep him from catching anything.

Yeah, I better be careful. I think I can feel the melanoma now from the ten minutes of sun rays. You guys didn’t happen to catch where Schwartz is sending the funds while I was out, did you? I asked.

Sorry, still tracing all the different routes the money is making. This guy has to have some tech genius working for him, Liz replied, not looking up from her computer monitor.

Liz was Korean, so at least she didn’t look like a ghost the way Carl and I did. She stood around five-two, so I always enjoyed standing next to her after spending time with Frannie. Liz was recruited after being caught with some homemade bugging devices she tried to put on a then boyfriend’s phone. Needless to say, she and the guy weren’t still dating.

I’m sure you guys will finish the trace within the next few days, Mr. Irving, our boss, announced, making his presence known. While the computers are running their programs you guys are getting a new assignment. Tomorrow an agent from the FBI is coming to ask for help tracking down who is on the receiving end of a few e-mail messages. Evidently, some wannabe mafia kingpin in Moscow has been corresponding with persons unknown here in the States and the emails are scaring important people in the chain of command.

A little confused I said, That sounds like pretty easy stuff to track, are the worker bees in the FBI all taking an afternoon nap?

Someone has decided your work is underutilized and wants to promote interdepartmental sharing of information. Which really just means they’re trying to save some money in their own department and using us for research. Since you guys usually don’t see the other agency employees, let’s try to look professional tomorrow and leave the jeans at home, he replied.

But I’m really not sure I’m comfortable coming to work in my underwear, I said, successfully keeping a straight face.

Clavens, you know what I mean. Wear some dress slacks or a skirt and look the part of a government agent hard at work, he answered. Clearly, he didn’t like my joke; some men just never developed a sense of humor.

After he left, we busied ourselves trying to finish the projects we were working on to clear way for the new interdepartmental task coming the next day. I let Carl and Liz know I had to leave at five for my big date, and after a barrage of questions about the man, none of which I could answer, I was out the door.

The train ride home was peaceful as I listened to some country music from an app I’d installed on my phone. After exiting the train, I walked a few blocks to my apartment.

Home was a small studio in the Jackson Heights neighborhood of Queens. Since I rarely had people over, and I didn’t have a lot of possessions, it worked well for me. The mail held nothing of interest, so I threw it all in the garbage and checked the fridge for anything that sounded good before the game.

Deciding that I should probably save room for some nachos from my favorite food vendor, I made my way to the small wardrobe where I kept my limited clothing selection. The jeans I wore looked fine, so I grabbed my personalized Rangers jersey, ran a brush through my hair and was back out the door to catch a train. 

CHAPTER 2

Nothing like a little blood on the ice

The Garden was just starting to fill up when I arrived. It was thirty minutes before puck drop, so people still had plenty of time. I made my way towards my seat and didn’t see anyone sitting in the seats around me, allowing me to hope Mr. Date wasn’t going to show.

The players were doing drills on the ice to get warmed up for the game, giving me numerous distractions to keep occupied. One of my favorite players was at center ice chirping to the opposing team, attempting to get them off their game.

I’d have loved to hear exactly what was being said. I always imagined it was like the movie Slap Shot. I could hear the hilarious things they said to each other in the movie playing out on the ice, at least that’s what I chose to read on the players’ lips.

Five minutes to go, still no date, my nerves started to settle. As I was standing up for the National Anthem, I heard, Excuse me, but I think that’s my seat next to you.

Darn. I was so close. Since he’d already waited so long, he could’ve waited until puck drop, so I didn’t have to bother filling the space between the anthem and the start of the game.

I moved out of the way so he could stand in front of his seat and sing along with the anthem. My nerves started back up as I tried to get a glimpse of what the guy looked like. From the side, all I could see was dark brown hair and a nose that appeared to have been broken a time or two. Something about it didn’t look quite straight.

After the song came to an end, we both settled in to our seats and he glanced over at me. His brown eyes widened a little bit when we made eye contact. I guessed any expectations he had for me went down the drain. Whereas with me, if I was considering it a real date, I’d be pleasantly surprised.

The man was hot, and I was certain every letter in the word hot needed to be capitalized. His brown hair was cut short and clean. Not quite military cut, but pretty close.

On further inspection, his eyes weren’t just brown, but had flecks of gold that really made them pop. His nose had most definitely been broken, but that didn’t take away from his looks at all. In fact, it added a bit of character to an already exceptional face.

Not wanting to speak first, I waited while he took in the sight of who he was stuck with for the game. I couldn’t tell the thoughts running wild in his head, but he was analyzing something, and I had a feeling he was trying to figure out how many beers he’d need to get through the night.

Umm. You must be Avery, he stammered out. I’m Nathaniel.

With that he stuck out his hand and I politely reached over to shake. The second our hands touched I felt a charge tickle up my arm. I wasn’t sure what to think of it, so I chalked it up to him dragging his shoes on some carpet.

I took my hand away and wiped it as covertly as possible on my pant leg. The tingly feeling didn’t immediately fade and I wondered where he’d found an area of carpet big enough to accumulate that much charge.

Yes, I’m Avery. It’s nice to meet you, even though it’s under these circumstances, I said. He looked at me curiously so I quickly added, This whole blind date thing. I’m generally really nervous to begin with, getting set up does nothing for those nerves.

I see, he said as he continued to stare at me. I thought maybe you didn’t like hockey and were expecting this to be a long night.

Oh no, I love hockey, I replied. That part of the evening is going to be great. It’s the being around thousands of people that will have me looking over my shoulder all night.

If it makes you feel better, I’ll help look over your shoulder to make sure no one is sneaking up on you. His eyes implored me to believe him, and I knew I needed to get them focused on anything other than me.

I laughed and turned towards the game, which was starting. I hoped he’d get the hint that I was done talking for a while. It seemed to work because he concentrated on the game too. Soon, I found we were both out of our seats yelling at a horrible goaltender interference call. Our guy was clearly pushed in and we would’ve scored if the penalty hadn’t occurred.

At the first intermission it was still zero-zero and I was really hankering for those nachos. Nathaniel leaned over and asked, Do you want me to grab you something to eat?

Staring at the floor, I replied, I was kind of looking forward to a Nacho Grande from Carlos & Gabby’s. Here, if you’re going that way, let me give you some money.

No, this is supposed to be a date, so let me take care of it. Do you want anything to drink?

Water would be fine. I’m not big on alcohol and carbonated beverages, I answered.

I thought about getting some money out of my pocket and giving it to him even after he said it wasn’t necessary, but it wasn’t often I had a man, especially not one who looked like Nathaniel, offering to feed me. I figured he was just doing it because he was friends with Gary, and I saw no problem with that.

Great. I’ll be back in a few minutes. The lines are probably pretty long, but if I’m not back in fifteen minutes, tell them to hold the game for me, he laughed and made his way up the aisle.

I followed his progress for a minute and saw multiple women trying to get his attention. Not only did he not stop to talk, he paid zero attention to the made-up beauties hoping for a few minutes of his time.

I sat back and watched the crazy intermission games down on the ice and was surprised five minutes later to hear, Here you go.

I looked up to see Nathaniel standing there, holding out a plate of nachos. I couldn’t figure out how it was possible. I wouldn’t have even made it up the stairs in that amount of time, let alone to the head of the line. He’d scaled the stairs pretty quickly as I’d watched, so I could understand his swiftness, but unless the lines parted in front of him, I was confused by how he’d done it.

Thanks. That was fast, I told him, hoping he’d do some explaining.

Well, you looked famished, so I thought I better hurry, wouldn’t want you turn into a cannibal on us, he jokingly said as he took his seat.

I looked over to see he had