An Annoyance of Neighbours: Life is never dull when you have neighbours!

Copyright © 2016 Dr Angela Lightburn

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EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE TWO NEIGHBOURS, ONE TO TALK TO AND ONE TO TALK ABOUT.

ANON

GREAT MINDS DISCUSS IDEAS; AVERAGE MINDS DISCUSS EVENTS; SMALL MINDS DISCUSS PEOPLE.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

CONTENTS

About the Author

The Psychology of Neighbourly Relations (Or Why We Hate the Neighbours)

Meet the Neighbours

1. The Angelic Grandma Neighbour

2. The Stingy Neighbour

3. The Absent Minded

4. The Good Life Neighbour

5. The Hippie Neighbour

6. The Crazy Cat Lady Neighbour

7. The Pessimistic Neighbour

8. The Optimistic Neighbour

9. The Loved-Up Neighbours

10. The Needy Neighbour

11. The Lonely Neighbour

12. The Borrower Neighbour

13. The Hypochondriac Neighbour

14. The Medical Expert Neighbour

15. The Free-Range Parenting Neighbours

16. The Downsizing Neighbours

17. The Organiser Neighbour

18. The Aspiring Author Neighbour

19. The Entrepreneurial Neighbour

20. The Teaser Neighbour

21. The Mysterious Neighbour

22. The Secretive Neighbour

23. The Lowering-The-Tone Neighbour

24. The Sporting Neighbour

25. The Lecherous Neighbour

26. The Hunting, Shooting, Fishing Neighbour

27. The Vegan Neighbour

28. The Whinger Neighbour

29. The Brand Label Neighbour

30. The Noisy Neighbour

31. The Hoarder Neighbour

32. The Nosy Neighbour

33. The Artist Neighbour

34. The Mega Rich Neighbours

35. The Note Writing Neighbour

36. The Copycat Neighbour

37. The Party Loving Neighbour

38. The Snooping Neighbour

39. The Boring Neighbour

40. The DIY Neighbour

41. The Problem Solving Neighbour

42. The Know-It-All Neighbour

43. The Multi-Generation Neighbours

44. The Organic Neighbour

45. The Social Climber Neighbour

46. The Frenemy Neighbour

47. The Isn’t It Terrible? Neighbour

48. The Flashy Neighbour

49. The Territorial Neighbour

50. The Manipulative Neighbour

51. The Self-Sufficient Loner Neighbour

52. The Condescending Neighbour

53. The Bully Neighbour

54. The Swinger Neighbours

55. The Tiger Mother Neighbour

56. The Highly Sensitive Neighbour

57. The Second Homer Neighbour

58. The Perfect Neighbour

Quiz: What Sort of Neighbour Are You?

Tv Shows, Plays, Films and Books About Neighbours

What their House Name Says About Your Neighbours

Doors and Doormats, Knobs and Knockers

How to Deal with Your Neighbours without Resorting to Murder

And Finally…

References

Acknowledgements

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The author has lived all over the country and has had many neighbours over the years. Shared flats in converted houses led to own purpose-built flat in block, followed by semi in suburbia, then detached cottage on a lane and finally to rural isolation, each step of the way carefully planned to reduce the number of neighbours. She now knows more of the locals than when she lived anywhere else.

Along the way she picked up a degree in Psychology, a PhD in Applied Psychology and a Diploma in Insurance (don’t ask), so knows a thing or two about human behaviour, and along with the experience of age and time has an unparalleled insight into understanding and coping with neighbours. She knows the theory but sometimes finds it hard to put into practice.

She has seen it all, possibly done a good deal of it, got the T-shirt and written this book. It is a wry and sardonic peak at the neighbours from behind the metaphorical net curtains of life. She hopes it makes you laugh and you enjoy reading it as much as she has had fun writing it. When you next catch sight of your neighbours, you’ll start to visualise them in a completely new light, but be warned – they might have read this book too!

ANGELA LIGHTBURN

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF NEIGHBOURLY RELATIONS (OR WHY WE HATE THE NEIGHBOURS)

The collective noun for neighbours is an ‘annoyance’ or a ‘nerve’, and we all know just how annoying and frazzling on the nerves neighbours can be! Everybody has neighbours and all of us have stories to tell about their noisy, selfish, nuisance behaviour and, just occasionally, a heart-warming story about a genuinely altruistic neighbour. This is a humorous collection of neighbour stereotypes, not meant to be taken too seriously or literally. After reading it, you will be able to classify your neighbours and learn how to handle them so that they cause you the least hassle. Or at the very least you will be able to laugh at them behind their backs.

We all have neighbours unless you’re rich enough to own 1,000 hectares with a house in the middle of it, and no footpaths or roads crossing it, and if you’re reading this then I can presume that you are not one of them. Even so, every property has its boundaries and there will always be someone complaining about a fence, a straying animal or overgrown vegetation blocking their view.

An online poll asked, Have you ever had an annoying neighbour? 85% reported having annoying neighbours and regularly think up ideas to annoy them back. Only 6% said they had lovely neighbours and 9% admitted to being the annoying neighbour.

Long running feuds with neighbours can last for years and end up in a full-blown stand-off with neither party willing to let go nor remedy the situation. Chances are that it started with a petty squabble but now no one can remember what it was about, just that they feel that they are the aggrieved party.

Halifax Home Insurance carried out a survey of 2,000 homebuyers in 2010 and found that nearly 1 in 10 people claimed to have moved house because of the neighbours, with aggressive behaviour in connection with boundaries and parking coming top, closely followed by noise. Of the latter, most was due to loud music, children, TVs blaring out, barking dogs, DIY, noisy vehicles at unsocial hours or shouting and rows. Oh, and 3% said that their neighbours were guilty of noisy sex! General disrepair, untidiness and mess made a few others move and nosy neighbours had caused some to up sticks and go to live somewhere else. Makes you wonder what they were trying to hide.

Nobody selling their house because of the neighbours is likely to tell their potential buyers that this is their reason for moving, even though they are legally obliged to mention any disputes in which they have been involved. Unless it results in a fight attended by the police or ends up in court, most people consider the odd neighbourly spat to be perfectly normal, and not worthy of mention. Anyway, the new people might get on famously with your uncouth, belligerent next door neighbour!

Sherlock Holmes famously told Dr Watson to Go to the nearest public house. That is the centre of country gossip. And it is sound advice which you should consider when looking at property, especially if it is in an unfamiliar area. For sure, there might be a lull in the conversation when you walk in, but letting the locals know you are thinking of moving to the vicinity, and oiling the wheels with a pint or two, will soon break down the barriers. You will learn a lot about the local area and its residents, such as the night shift worker who gets home at 6am, the once a year model aircraft extravaganza and the local who is the county yodelling champion, so they don’t come as a surprise and you can have some peace of mind when deciding whether to move in. Googling the neighbours can also inform you as to what they do for a living, and Facebook, Twitter and Instagram can tell you a lot about their hobbies and habits.

First impressions are important in any sphere of life, and how many of us consider the neighbours or ask about them when looking at a potential new home? You can pick your friends and find your dream home but you can’t pick your neighbours. In this frantic modern life where families consist of commuting adults working crazy hours, and parents who are afraid to let their children play outside for fear of germs or perverts, it is becoming increasingly common to realise that you’ve lived in your house for 5 years and never met the neighbours. Lucky you! Because if you did get to know them, the likelihood is that they’d fit into one or more neighbour stereotypes. We very quickly make a judgement when we meet people for the first time and most of us probably consider ourselves good judges of character. We assess someone from their unspoken signs and signals – their clothes, the way they walk, the colour of their paintwork, state of the garden, style of house, make of car, body language and other non-verbal clues as well as their behaviour and facial expressions and this is before they have uttered a single word, pleasant or otherwise! It has been estimated that 94% of our communication is non-verbal. Even if you don’t understand a word of the language being spoken, you can make a pretty good guess from the tone of voice and accompanying gestures as to what it’s all about! And just because they are friendly, courteous and make good eye contact doesn’t mean they are not psychopaths and will not turn into the neighbours from hell.

In order to tell if someone is not what they seem on first meeting, you have to observe them in different situations, watch and listen over a period of time. If you do all the talking, you’ll miss the important stuff that gives them away. If they tell you that they are pillars of the local church or in the police or armed forces, or an important figure in the community or wider society, you can experience what is known as ‘icon intimidation’ which can hamper or skew your judgement. Trust your instincts! Say for example that you have had an accident, or are laid up with an illness, feeling low and vulnerable. A neighbour might phone to see how you are, spending less than a minute enquiring after your health, and quickly curtail the conversation. The impression you are left with is that they couldn’t give a toss and have just gone through the motions because it was expected. They clearly can’t be bothered to walk the short distance to your house, where they would not have been able to get away so expediently. Neither do they offer any help, however insincerely meant. It gives the impression of someone totally uncaring although nothing nasty has been said and some might see it as a kind deed. It isn’t. They have simply ticked the box and gone back to their cosy life. You can see from this example that from events like this we make assumptions that may or may not be true, and can lose perspective. Even if future evidence contradicts our opinions, the suspicions or feelings that have been planted by one negative event or an out of character remark become very difficult to change. If some time has elapsed since the initial episode, we have had time to brood on the details and the feelings coalesce into an ingrained dislike. Every time we see them, we are reminded of the incident. If we have also repeated (and probably embellished) the story to others, then it becomes blown up out of all proportion and impossible to rectify. The unsuspecting neighbour becomes persona non grata because of perhaps one uncharacteristic transgression or mistake but, because we don’t know them well, we extrapolate that this is how they always are, which exacerbates the problem, and behave towards them accordingly.

So how do you spot potentially bad neighbours when looking for somewhere to live? Don’t just look at the immediate neighbours’ houses; check out the properties on the approaches and at different times of the day and days of the week. A quiet street on a Monday morning may look and sound very different on a Saturday night.

1.Look for signs of neglect – unmown grass, weedy gardens, drainpipes hanging off, peeling paintwork, cracked windows, litter and rubbish, and abandoned vehicles in the driveway.

2.Lots of cars parked outside mean lots of inhabitants or visitors, coming and going at all hours, banging car doors, and revving engines.

3.Dogs tied up outside may mean noise from their barking. People who neglect pets often have no respect for people either.

4.That ideal flat over a dress shop may not be so desirable when the shop changes ownership or goes out of business and becomes a fast food restaurant or a massage parlour.

5.If there is a vacant plot next door, think about what might be built on it in the future. You might not be bothered about living next door to a building site for a few months if the result is houses that enhance the locality. But supposing it became a landfill site or a distribution centre operating all hours or that idyllic field becomes a motorbike scrambling venue, significantly increasing the noise, pollution and local traffic in a predominantly rural area? Always get local authority searches done and read them thoroughly. You underestimate yourself if you think they will be couched in language that you won’t understand. Only a fool signs a legal document without having read and understood the implications of every clause and condition. An article in the national newspapers told the story of how a couple went ahead and bought a beautiful house near a church in a pretty village without properly reading the paperwork, only to find out that they were liable for £100,000 of chancel repairs. Caveat emptor!

6.Ditto vacant buildings. They can attract a variety of nefarious activities that can devalue your home or make it unsaleable, including squatters not necessarily of the human kind.

7.Use ALL your senses. When house-hunting you may come across your dream property in an enviable location, reasonably priced because the owners are keen to sell. Why? No one wants to buy it because of the pungent smell of pigs from an intensive rearing unit next door.

Ignoring the signs is one of the most common mistakes house-hunters make. It is easy to wax lyrical about the roses round the door, the Jacuzzi bath, the walk-in wardrobes, the perfect location and the reasonable price, but disregard those nuisance neighbours and you may live to regret it. Bad neighbours lower a property’s value or make it impossible to sell, and make life miserable. Moving again is a very expensive and stressful business even if you can find a buyer. We may depend on services such as motorways, power lines and sewage farms but no one wants to live near them.

And how about the neighbours themselves? There are well-documented signs to be aware of when talking to your neighbour – do they suddenly shout abuse at someone else while in the middle of a perfectly innocuous conversation with you? Do they tend to blame everyone else for their failures and predicaments rather than taking responsibility for their actions? Do they maliciously slag off other people behind their backs? Do they interrupt you when you’re talking or constantly manoeuvre the conversation back to themselves all the time, showing a lack of empathy? These traits may not appear straight away and certainly not all at the same time, which is why many new neighbours get along for a while until they discover something they don’t like, or an incident makes them wary. Then they start thinking, and that’s when the small things start to add up. If one neighbour assumes a zero tolerance stance, things can get seriously mean! If you are uncertain as to their motives, ask them how they feel about a sensitive subject. Their response will tell you a good deal about their attitudes and compassion for others, including you.

Most people make themselves more accessible to others who they consider to be their equals and generally keep more of a distance from those they consider to be inferior, perhaps in class or education, and conversely also those they perceive as being superior: intellectually, financially, culturally or socially. In other words, we prefer to socialise with people who are just like us.

But why is it that so few of us know who our neighbours are and wouldn’t recognise them if we met them away from home? There are a variety of reasons, and many of them are the result of changes in society and the way we live our lives today. In the past, when safety nets of social welfare didn’t exist, people were much more dependent upon their family and neighbours for mutual aid and support in hard times. In Victorian times, social security and the compensation culture were nonexistent. If you were off work for a period, the neighbours would leave a casserole or some vegetables from their garden on the kitchen table or a bucket of coal at the back door, and the vicar would surreptitiously leave a few coins beside the clock on the mantelpiece. This saved you from starvation and the workhouse, and you were forever grateful. You would have done exactly the same for someone else in need. There but for the grace of God and all that…

Years ago, most towns, cities and villages had relatively stable communities. Now, many more people live in flats with no communal areas and the pressure on land means houses are being built without front gardens for people to potter in and exchange greetings with passers-by and neighbours. These days, people work longer hours, which may include anti-social shifts at nights and weekends, and may even work away for part, or all, of the working week. In any case, the time spent commuting is getting longer, as more people work outside their local environment. Getting home at 9pm or later and having to be on the 6.45 train the next morning are not conducive to a social life during the week. Gripes about the work-life balance abound.

Gone are the days when all the local men worked at the factory, mine or farm and knew each other as colleagues as well as neighbours and the women stayed at home to look after the children and socialised with each other on a daily basis. We are now more likely to befriend work colleagues than neighbours as we inevitably spend more time with them, have more in common and be of a similar age, despite possibly living many miles apart.

Where cars are used for at least part of the journey to work, some parents may drop children off at school (or more than one school) on the way to their place of employment. The harassed working parent often does not have the luxury of the walk and a leisurely chat at the school gate. Less walking means fewer opportunities to converse with or even greet the neighbours. Children are also likely to be ferried by car to their social activities after school and in holiday time due to fear of crime and a lack of reliable public transport.

The decline in use of places where people previously used to gather such as churches, public baths, pubs, village shops, post offices, launderettes and social clubs has limited the opportunities for neighbours to come across each other to exchange pleasantries and make friends. Much of this is to do with the change in the means of communication as more and more of us socialise at a distance by digital means such as Skype, the internet and mobile phones, and the interactions are more likely to be on a one-to-one