Addictive Relationships: Why Love Goes Wrong in Recovery
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About this ebook
In this presentation to 600 recovering people at an Adult Children of Alcoholics convention in San Diego, California, Terry give four vital messages.
First, relationships are not "all or nothing" propositions. They unfold on a variety of levels, and we need to enjoy all levels of relationships.
His second message tells us to take our time building relationships. Solid love relationships aren't developed on the first date.
Third, there are addictive styles and healthy styles of relationships. If we come from a dysfunctional family, we probably don't know the difference. Until we learn what healthy relationships are all about, we will be condemned to recreate our family of origin as adults.
His final message is one of hope. There are skills and tools that can be used to build positive love relationships. We can recover. We can break the cycle of addictive intimacy.
Terence T. Gorski
Terence T. Gorski, MA, N.C.A.C. II, is the president of CENAPS® Corporation, a consultation and training firm that specializes in alcoholism, drug dependence, and mental-health services. He lives in Flossmoor, Illinois.
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Addictive Relationships - Terence T. Gorski
Introduction
Terence T. Gorski is president of The CENAPS Corporation (The Center for Applied Sciences). CENAPS is a research, training, and consultation organization that specializes in the treatment of addictive and co-addictive disease. In his nearly twenty years of experience with the recovery process, Terry Gorski has developed a practical and no-nonsense approach to dealing with relationships in recovery.
In this presentation to 600 recovering people at an Adult Children of Alcoholics convention in San Diego, California, Terry give four vital messages.
First, relationships are not all or nothing
propositions. They unfold on a variety of levels, and we need to enjoy all levels of relationships.
His second message tells us to take our time building relationships. Solid love relationships aren’t developed on the first date.
Third, there are addictive styles and healthy styles of relationships. If we come from a dysfunctional family, we probably don’t know the difference. Until we learn what healthy relationships are all about, we will be condemned to recreate our family of origin as adults.
His final message is one of hope. There are skills and tools that can be used to build positive love relationships. We can recover. We can break the cycle of addictive intimacy.
The Functional Family
When I was invited to address this ACA group, I was asked to answer the question, What is normal in a relationship
? In an attempt to do that, I found that I first needed answers to other questions such as, How many people in the United States come from basically functional families
?
A functional family of origin is a family unit or home that basically equips a child with the necessary emotional, intellectual, and relationship skills to deal with life as an adolescent and as an adult. In a functional family, we learn to recognize what we feel, put labels on our feelings, and then tell other people about the feelings. Conversely, we gain the capacity to care about what others feel to listen to their feelings, and respond to them.
A functional family also prepares children to cope intellectually with the world. It teaches them how to think clearly and accurately without major denial. It teaches them how to see reality more or less for what it is. And, finally, a healthy family teaches children how to relate in a productive manner through relationships with other human beings.
The best estimate I can give you about how many people come from healthy, functional families is somewhere around 20 to 30 percent of adults in the United States today. If you come from a dysfunctional family and happen to meet one of these people, it is a really strange experience. I found this out in a church support group. We decided to introduce ourselves by telling the stories of