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    The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts
    The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts
    The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts
    Ebook333 pages5 hours

    The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts

    By Gary Chapman and Jocelyn Green

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    About this ebook

    Advice for military couples

    “As soon as I arrived in Afghanistan, I began reading The 5 Love Languages®. I had never read anything so simple yet so profound.” — Anonymous soldier

    If you are in a military relationship, you know the strain of long deployments, lonely nights, and difficult transitions. For extraordinary challenges like these, couples need specific advice.

    In this updated edition of The 5 Love Languages®:Military Edition, relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman teams up with Jocelyn Green, a former military wife, to speak directly to military couples. They share the simple secret to loving each other best, including advice for how to:

    • Build intimacy over long distances
    • Reintegrate after deployment
    • Unlearn harsh military-style communication
    • Rebuild and maintain emotional love
    • Help your spouse heal from trauma
      and more


    With more than 20 million copies sold, The 5 Love Languages® has been strengthening millions of relationships for over 30 years. This military edition will inspire and equip you to build lasting love in your relationship, starting today. 

    Includes stories from every branch of service, tips for expressing love when apart, and an updated FAQs section.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMoody Publishers
    Release dateJan 3, 2017
    ISBN9780802494740
    Author

    Gary Chapman

    Gary Chapman--author, speaker, counselor--has a passion for people and for helping them form lasting relationships. He is the #1 bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages series and director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. Gary travels the world presenting seminars, and his radio programs air on more than four hundred stations. For more information visit his website at www.5lovelanguages.com.

    Read more from Gary Chapman

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    Reviews for The 5 Love Languages Military Edition

    4/5

    1,161 ratings55 reviews

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    • 5/5
      Really good book. I recommend this to anyone that wants to not only work on improving their relationship with their husband, wife, or boyfriend, but also with their family and friends and even co-workers. Everyone has a love language and Gary Chapman outlines it in a way that is easy to understand. He also give you examples that you can mirror and put into action. 4.5/5 stars
    • 4/5
      It was an OK book. The basic idea is interesting, but I had heard about it before. The idea that you need to understand the way in which you want to receive love and you need to understand in a relationship the way the other person wants to receive love. The problem is that while this is one important aspect of relationships, it isn't the only thing that makes relationships turn sour and the book definitely tries to make the statement that this book will solve all relationships. Also it starts off non-religious and then becomes faith based by the end.
    • 5/5
      Awesome book! It's helped me better understand how to communicate with my husband, sister, parents and even close friends.
    • 3/5
      While his basic premise is true (we want to love people in a way which communicates love to them), his underlying psychology is unbiblical and ultimately fails to get at the heart of people’s problems. Loving people in the way they want to be loved may “work,” but it also may only enforce their selfish desires. If my “love language” leads me to sin, it has become an inordinate desire, an “over-desire” which I have placed above God. Sometimes our desire to be loved in a certain way needs to be lovingly challenged, not appeased.
    • 4/5
      I really enjoyed what Chapman had to say about love and communication. Many of his ideas were based off common sense, making them easy to utilize once they're in your mind. I plan on implementing some of his concepts immediately.
    • 5/5
      It really helped me understand myself more and figure out what I want in a relationship. It also allowed me to appreciate what the other person has to offer.
    • 4/5
      It's pop psychology at its best, light, deep and interesting at the same time. it's designed to make you slap your forehead. i love the concept of love languages. I'm going to incorporate it into my writing from now on. it made a lot of sense to me. And I love lists. ^_^
    • 4/5
      I enjoyed this book. If you are having marrital problems, seek a counselor, but if you want to learn how to communicate more effectively, this is a good place to start.
    • 3/5
      Like most relationship books, how helpful this is depends on how many you've already read. All common sense gets redundant after a while. The premise is true enough, except for the fact that there are more than five basic needs out there. My boyfriend found a 'love language' in the book to fit him perfectly, but although my own need is just as straightforward, you can't contort any of the given five to fit it. And there's no way I'm unique there. The religion angle was significantly more low key than I was expecting. Again, that perspective depends on what you've already read. The case study examples really got repetitive, but I'm not sure what would have been a better way to do it. Some of his advice definitely only works for certain personality types and -- probably more important -- certain subcultures, but he's pretty up front about that too.
    • 3/5
      Chapman's philosophy --that there are five love languages, and if you speak the language that your spouse identifies with, all will be well in your marriage-- is simple and straightforward. He approaches it very practically, for example he's a big fan of lists: If your spouse's love language is "words of affirmation," make a list of things you could say to her/him, and everytime you hear something on TV or from someone else that you could use, jot it down as well. Then every time you use one of them, cross it out. It almost seems silly, to treat relationship building like a school assignment, but this method would make it easy for people to follow and be assured they are doing it "right." It is also based on the idea that if you want your relationship to improve, you have to be the one to change. That means, if your partner's love language is "act of service," then you ask them what they would like you to do, and you do it, even if you don't want to. It makes a lot of sense, but what happens when, as in one of Chapman's examples, the partner's love language is physical touch, and he tells his client that she should initiate sex with her husband once a week, then twice a week, even if she doesn't want to? It doesn't quite sit well. And some of the content hasn't aged well, despite the book presumably being updated with each reissue....there are many examples of wives who "nag" and define physical touch as sexual intercourse for men yet "cuddling" for women, etc. Chapman's counseling is rooted heavily in his Christian faith, and his clients feel similarly, so without this frame of reference many points in this book may not resonate.
    • 4/5
      Great book on figuring out how best to relate to the differnt people in your life
    • 3/5
      I think this book clearly articulates what many married couples have instinctively sensed about their relationships but have perhaps never fully understood. That is essentially this: what makes me feel loved may not actually make my spouse feel loved. People experience love and caring in a number of different ways. When you might be trying to love your spouse, they might not be interpreting it that way. Mr. Chapman says that all expressions of love fall into five different categories: 1) Affirming Words, 2) Acts of Service, 3) Physical Affection, 4) Gift Giving, 5) Quality Time. The key to a good relationship, is finding which of these inspires the most love in your partner and focusing your loving efforts in that direction. I found a lot of food for thought in this book and will be sharing some of my thoughts with my husband.
    • 2/5
      This books seems to be a streach in its basic premise.
    • 4/5
      I recently reread it because it was the only reading material in my car when it was getting serviced. How do you express love? This is the question Gary asks but also answers in helping us understand that everybody expresses love in some form or another. I read this years ago and before reading it avoided it because it just sounded so corny. Please don't let the title fool you. This is a great starter read in recognizing how we express love differently and also how we can best help our partners appreciate the love we have for them.Gary breaks down the love we express into 4 outcomes: Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Gifts, and Affirmation. He them breaks them down to help us understand how we express love. Gary says to help others understand that we need to communicate to them in their love language.Yes, it is simplistic and a little corny, but it is excellent starting material for married couples!
    • 1/5
      In this post, I would like to provide a general review of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. As a Christian and pastor, I have some concerns about The Five Love Languages(FLL) with respect to its central message and practical outworking in the lives of Christians. To simplify this post, why don’t I lay out some positives and negatives?Positives:1. FLL is correct in revealing that love is expressed in many different ways. I think that the term “languages” is a good metaphor.2. It is true that people experience love in different ways. I think understanding this can be helpful to a mate desiring to love his/her spouse effectively. “We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love” (Chapman 15).3. FLL does well to reveal that people do tend to express love according to the way they wish to receive it. I fear this is clearly an aspect of one’s fallen nature, but nevertheless true.4. FLL is correct to reveal that when people do not get what they want, unpleasant emotions, actions, and behaviors are often the response.5. Chapman does well to encourage readers to consider the preferences and interests of their spouses.6. Chapman rightly explains that love is a primary aspect of Christianity.Negatives:1. FLL is low on Scripture and high on man-made wisdom. Across 175 pages, Scripture is referenced 10 times, most of which are afterthoughts. 9 of the 14 chapters have no Scriptural backing.2. FLL majors on psychology, not theology – often without considering Scriptural insight. When Scripture is quoted, it is employed as a proof-text for the premise proposed by worldly wisdom. (Ex: 1 Cor 13:13; Chapman 20)3. FLL states that the greatest need/purpose of mankind is to feel loved. Scripture teaches that mankind’s greatest need/purpose is to love God, repent of sin, and know Christ.4. FLL does not explain, involve, or mention the gospel in its treatment of human affairs. Instead, it is suggested that the central problem in life and relationships is a lack of love. Likewise, FLL proposes that the issues surrounding love are the cause and solution to Man’s problems. “Meeting my wife’s need for love is a choice I make each day. If I know her primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional need will be met and she will feel secure in my love” (Chapman 132) [emphasis mine].5. FLL does not address or mention sin and suggests that all human suffering, ill tempers, depression, interpersonal problems, broken marriages, misbehavior/delinquency of children, etc…are caused by an “empty emotional love tank.” This line of reasoning encourages readers to aspire toward receiving love and self-love in order to solve the problems of life and distracts attention away from the true and biblical source of evil in the world. Chapman writes, “With a full tank would couples be able to create an emotional climate where it is possible to discuss differences and resolve conflicts? Could that tank be the key that makes marriage work” (Chapman 23). “Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs” (Chapman 121). “When the [emotional] tank is low…we have no love feelings toward our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain” (Chapman 150). The Bible proclaims that the key to all relationships is self-denial and prioritizing God’s pleasure and approval over all other priorities (James 4).6. With respect to marriage, FLL suggests that “the need to feel loved by one’s spouse is at the heart of marital desires” (Chapman 22). In so doing, Chapman sets up a self-centered view of marriage in which the reader’s primary goal should be to feel love. Scripture reveals that man’s problems are caused on many levels by a desire to be loved or love self, which is sin (2 Timothy 3:2-5).7. FLL encourages a self-centered mentality, rather than a Christ-centered orientation of thought, motive, and deed (Chapman 68, 75, 98). Granted, aspirations to receive love are not blatantly proposed. Instead, by premise, Chapman’s model is based upon a give-to-get approach. The reader is encouraged to embrace the thought that if he/she scratches the spouses back, it is likely that the spouse will scratch his/hers which is a veiled form of self-interest – For instance, ‘I’ll scratch your back, knowing that you will probably scratch mine in return.’ “I am not suggesting verbal flattery in order to get your spouse to do something you want. The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires” (Chapman 42).8. FLL exalts worldly self-esteem over biblical self-denial.9. FLL presents an unbiblical view and practice of assessing self-worth. Readers are encouraged to find their significance in their spouse, not in Christ and in light of the gospel. “My sense of self-worth is fed by the fact that my spouse loves me. After all, if he/she loves me, I must be worth loving. My parents may have given me negative or mixed messages about my worth, but my spouse knows me as an adult and loves me. Her love builds my self-esteem” (Chapman 139).10. With respect to parenting, FLL encourages parents to prescribe love rather than repentance to misbehaving children. “If the emotional need is not met, they may violate acceptable standards, expressing anger toward parents who did not meet their needs, and seeking love in inappropriate places…Most misbehavior in children and teenagers can be traced to empty love tanks…The growing number of adolescents who run away from home and clash with the law indicate that many parents who may have sincerely tried to express their love to their children have been speaking the wrong love language” (Chapman 163-175). This view walks hand in hand with post-modern thought, transferring responsibility for sin to those who have wronged the sinner.11. With respect to marriage, FLL discounts the powerful working of God in marriage and leaves all results in the hands of fallen men and women. In addition, the model set forth by Chapman rests on a purely horizontal level, disregarding the vertical (mankind/God) aspect of biblical marriage. There is no real place for the pleasure of the Triune God as the object of love and the goal of marriage.12. FLL suggests that divorce, an increasing problem for Christians today, is caused by an empty emotional love tank (174-175). This teaching contradicts Jesus’ view/teaching in which He stated that divorce is the result of hard-heartedness (Matthew 19:8; Mark 10:5).As Christians strive for ministry that is increasingly “theology-driven,” I am reminded of Paul’s words which say, “In pointing out these things to the brethren, you will be a good servant of Christ Jesus, constantly nourished on the words of the faith and of the sound doctrine which you have been following” (1 Timothy 4:6). As you know, teachers and pastors will be held to a stricter judgment than those they shepherd (James 3:1). Therefore, the Scriptures demand that they be critically-minded and protective of what is placed before people. For the above reasons, I do not think this is a suitable resource.
    • 5/5
      This updated edition (2015) of Dr. Chapman's classic work on communicating love to a spouse makes the book just as relevant today as when it was first published. Couples need to identify each other's love language and express their love to the other through the recipient's love language. He discusses the temporal concept of "falling in love" and shows how lasting love is not built on this euphoric state but rather by expressing love to your spouse through his or her love language. A test to help determine one's language is included, but the author discusses other ways of determining it throughout the book. Sometimes the simplest concepts are the most difficult to learn and put into practice. The book stands the test of the time and would be beneficial to married couples everywhere. Editions for singles and children also exist.
    • 1/5
      Like most self-help books, this is verbose and repetitive beyond comprehension. What is presented in over 100 pages can be easily summarized in less than 2. In fact, reading book cover will provide the same information. It simplifies lots of things, invokes Jesus God at every other page, and has conversation which hardly look realistic. However, like some self-help books, this may be useful, if applied correctly.
    • 4/5
      The book is divided into several sections describing the Love Languages. Each chapter is thoughtful and filled with experiences that are relatable. There are questions for thought at the end of each chapter. He had adapted his book for several readers but his message is the same whether you are married, single, young or old. Communication with other people is an active, fluid process. When we choose to have relationships with people it's important that we speak a mutual language. Once we understand the process it takes commitment and attention to nourish the connections through the years.

      "Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving."

      This book is helpful regardless of your marital status. It is mostly a book about effective communication. Any relationship we have needs attention and commitment for its continued success. Recognizing our own needs can help us to identify the needs that others may have.

      "It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction—the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the “in-love” experience."

      "Remember, emotions themselves are neither good nor bad. They are simply our psychological responses to the events of life."
    • 4/5
      The 5 languages of love by which we communicate our love for each other, but some of us speak one language and some another. We need to find the language our loved speaks in and learn that way of communication as a second language.
    • 4/5
      I was recommended this book a while ago while I was deep in depression and thought my relationship was on the outs. I didn't get a chance to read this book then, and I can say that I would have made things quite easier for me. I'm past all that now, but it was still a great book to read and gave me some great insight into myself and my relationship.The five love languages are basically 5 ways that people express and understand love. The way Mr. Chapman describes it (and what really made the concept click for me) is that it's just like speaking language. If you're raised in a home that speaks English you learn English and that is your primary language. You can learn to speak another language, but you'll be most fluent in your primary language. The love languages are the same way.Understanding the different languages is really quite simple. The explanation behind the different languages is very easy to understand. As soon as I'd read about one of the languages I would associate that language to someone I know. Having a "real-life" example for each language helped me understand that language a little bit better. It was easy for me to pinpoint other people's languages but it's been a bit harder for me to pinpoint my own language.... There is a section in the book that helps you figure out your own, and after reading it I've narrowed mine down to three. But before that sections I was thinking well I am all of those. But really we're only one, sometimes two. So I just need to pay attention a little bit more to what I feel and I should have it figured out fairly soon. And if you're not like me - and can't figure out the language for the people in your life- there is also a section to help you figure out what language other people are.This book specifically deals with the love language of couples, but I think this concept is beneficial for any relationship - siblings, friends, parents, children. And since there is a whole series of these books I don't think I'm too far off in my thinking...What I liked the most about this book is that for each language there was a story that gave an example of that language. Chapman would introduce us to a couple, tell us what their problem(s), and then tell us what their love languages were. He also gives examples for each language of how to show love to another person using that language.This was very well written book. I wish I would have picked it up earlier, as it could have made a very difficult part of my life a little bit easier. But even though things were going good for me and my boyfriend (who is now my fiancee) when I read this it still gave me some insight into why we do (or don't do) certain things. It also helped me in communicating what I need and want in my relationship. So this book isn't just for relationships that are failing, but if yours is I would recommend reading this. This book (and I'm sure the entire series) can help you better understand the relationships you have with eveyone that you love.
    • 5/5
      A guide to effective expression of love and care in relationships specifically geared to marriages.The author, through his work in counseling, has discerned five "love languages": words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service. It is not as if only one of these is important to any given person, but everyone has a primary love language, the one thing which they more earnestly desire than the rest. The difficulty, of course, is that one person's primary love language may not be the primary love language of their spouse, and vice versa. It is easier for a person to think and act according to their love language; as the author does well in expressing, to truly show love, one must work at communicating and expressing in the primary love language of the beloved.Chapman goes through each love language in some depth and provides a way forward for working through difficulties that one encounters in relationships because the "love tank" has been emptied and people are not speaking the "love language" of the other. He also has recommendations for those who find themselves in a relationship where one partner is not as on board as the other. Some questions and answers and a love language test are in appendices.I have now gone through the book twice; once early in marriage, and now again. I have found three books/principles most useful in terms of relationships: Love & Respect, Boundaries, and these 5 love languages. Very much recommended, not only for those in marital or pre=marital relationships, but also the later derivative works for those who may be single, parents, children, etc., for understanding communication of love.
    • 4/5
      This really was excellent. It was a fairly simple read. Nothing technical. But just the kinds of things every couple in a long-term relationship needs to think about, discuss, and put into practice. I highly recommend this for everyone in a committed, long-term relationship, whether you're just starting out or have been together for decades. It will make a world of difference in how you communicate your love for one another.
    • 4/5
      I don't read a lot of self-help type books, but I often have the same problem with the ones I have: they have a center of good information wrapped up in annoying presentation. The 5 Love Languages fits that description. The idea at the core of the book--that different people communicate love differently--seems like a pretty good one, but I found that "save your marriage by learning your spouse's love language" presentation irritating, both because it's oversimplistic and because it unnecessarily limits the usefulness of this information--this approach to thinking about communicating would work with anyone you care about and certainly isn't relevant to couples only if things are bad between them. I also found Chapman's discussion of some thorny issues (like abuse, like depression) waaaay too simplistic and lacking in the appropriate level of outreach (which could be as simple as offering contact information for support groups) to readers who might need help. If you can get past those presentation irritations (or if they don't bother you), there's some good info here. Over years of counseling couples (it's unclear to me whether Chapman has any training in counseling or if he just has a lot of experience through religious organizations--I think it's the latter, and while that means I probably wouldn't seek him out for therapy, it doesn't, in my mind, disqualify him from sharing what he's learned through that experience), Chapman realized that not everyone expresses love in the same way and not everyone "hears" expressions of love in the same way. He lists the five ways he's observed couples express (and receive) love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. He claims that for most people, one of these ways will be more effective than the others (and that one or two of them will have little effect whatsoever). Problems can arise if one tries to express her love in a way (a "language") that is ineffective for the recipient. So, if one's "love language" is quality time and one's partner (or mother or friend or whoever; I maintain that there's no reason this should be limited to romantic partners) spends very little time with one but gives one lots of gifts, one will not feel very loved. It's kind of a simple concept but I can see how individuals could easily miss that their way of saying "I love you" just isn't being heard.I picked this up because it is everywhere, and my curiosity about it eventually just wore me down. Not a bad read, and does have some good advice at the center. Worth a spin through, but probably good choice for taking out of the library.
    • 4/5
      What's the deal with having to choose a PRIMARY love language? I like them all, I think my primary love language is all 5 categories. I'm either very easy to please or very high maintenance--I haven't decided which.
    • 4/5
      It's been a dozen years since I first read this, so I felt I was due for a reminder. These ideas have really influenced my understanding of affection and relationships, I highly recommend it.
    • 4/5
      Want to make a bad marriage good? A good marriage very good? A very good marriage great? Wanna go straight from bad to great? Read this book, preferably in tandem with your mate, absorb the information, and it most likely will net the results you want. I promise. This book is worth its salt.
    • 4/5
      Rings mostly true and seems useful. Could do without the Jesus stuff.
    • 5/5
      It would overstate this book to say that it saved my marriage, but the concepts in here, applied to our relationship, certainly helped us out of some rough spots. For the past several years since we read this book, my wife and I have given it as a wedding present to couples in lieu of the typical registry gifts. Our rationale is that the couple will receive plenty of gifts for their *home*, but this is one for their *life.*
    • 5/5
      You've got to read this book. It will open your eyes in terms of understanding your spouse. It is a quick, easy read with simple ideas that will make a profound difference in your relationship.
    • 5/5
      I read The Five Love Languages before I got married, and really liked it. Now that I've been married 5 years I decided to read it again, and appreciated it a LOT more. Being in love, you never think you'll feel in need of getting your 'love bucket' filled more than it already is, but once marriage becomes more 'routine', it's more obvious how important it is to speak each other's love language.

      I find the concept of this book fascinating - that it's possible to express love for another person in so many different ways, that some of the ways aren't even recognizable for what they are to the other person. I think I've got my own and my husband's love language pretty much sorted out, and I don't think any of us find our 'love bucket' lacking, but it's a good thing to be aware of.

    Book preview

    The 5 Love Languages Military Edition - Gary Chapman

    Praise for The 5 Love Languages Military Edition

    In our thirty-nine years in the Army and especially in the years since 9/11/01, Paula and I have witnessed firsthand the extreme stress on many military marriages and the need for couples to build emotional love resilience. As long-time practitioners of the five love languages, we are thrilled that military couples will now have a targeted version that speaks their own language and will help them renew their love for each other. You can have a successful military career and a healthy marriage—The 5 Love Languages Military Edition will help show you the way!

    —LTG (RET.) R. L. VANANTWERP, US Army

    A healthy military marriage is a tall order even in peacetime. Two wars and their aftermath have exacted an immeasurable toll on millions of service members and their spouses since 9/11/01. Chapman and Green’s proven insights can help emotionally wounded military couples to speak the language of love even on the chaotic journey that is post-traumatic stress.

    —MARSHELE CARTER WADDELL, veteran Navy SEAL spouse and coauthor of Wounded Warrior, Wounded Home: Hope and Healing for Families Living with PTSD and TBI

    When Barb and I learned that our two friends Jocelyn Green and Gary Chapman had teamed up to bring The 5 Love Languages to military marriages, we knew it was going to be a 1-2 punch! And it is! The life message that Gary brings on the love languages through the experience and filter of Jocelyn Green, a star in the field of ministering to military families, offers the reader a powerful insight into strengthening their military home! Having ministered to military marriages ourselves, we know some of the unique needs of these heroic families. And we guarantee the reader this resource will further equip you to crack the code and learn how to better connect with your spouse! Read it and give it to every military family you know!

    —DR. GARY AND BARB ROSBERG, America’s Family Coaches, authors of 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love, radio broadcasters, speakers, and passionate military marriage advocates

    For years, our family has communicated using The 5 Love Languages and found the results to be incredibly successful. Now, with the military version of this book, we are able to express love in an effective, encouraging, and empathetic manner that helps our military members and their families know how much we truly care about them. As the wife of a fighter pilot and mom to sons in the Marines, Air Force, and Army, I’m delighted to recommend this critical resource to the many military groups I address on a regular basis. Buy this book for your favorite military family as a way of thanking them for their service.

    —ELLIE KAY, author of the bestselling Heroes at Home, America’s Military Family Expert™

    I have used The 5 Love Languages over the past twelve years to conduct numerous marriage enrichment weekend events, in formal counseling with couples, informal counseling as I walk about ministering to people, and in dealing with leaders. The adaptation of the original 5 Love Languages to a military focus will only enhance the positive effects this book produces. I firmly believe that not only is this one of the best books for relationship improvement, but it is also one of the best leadership books on the market today. The ability to understand subordinate, peer, and senior love language needs improves every organization’s relationships as leaders meet these needs. Thank you, Dr. Chapman and Jocelyn Green, for improving on a great book so that we might reach more effectively those Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guardsmen to whom so many of our great ministers of faith have been called.

    —CH (MAJ) SCOTT BROWN, US Army

    As an Army wife of more than twenty-five years, I have lived the roller-coaster life of constant moves and separations. During my quest to find resources to help sustain a loving marriage I came across a lot of valuable research and advice, but it wasn’t applicable for couples who face the stress of deployments and redeployments along with the fast tempo and demands of military life. FINALLY, Dr. Chapman’s reputable work with The 5 Love Languages and Jocelyn Green’s insight into military life have produced the perfect combination to help military couples see that a healthy, loving marriage and a successful military career are both possible. This is the book we have been seeking. What a treasured gift for our military families.

    —HOLLY SCHERER, military life consultant and coauthor of Military Spouse Journey: 1001 Things to Love About Military Life; and Help! I’m A Military Spouse—I Get a Life Too!

    This is a must-have resource in a family’s kit bag. Dr. Chapman’s work has enriched our lives on so many levels, and we are overjoyed there is a special edition that speaks directly to the military community. Effective communication is instrumental in building and sustaining resilience. Knowing how to speak your partner’s love language is a wonderful tool to help maintain a strong, enduring, and joyful relationship.

    —NATE BROOKSHIRE, coauthor of Hidden Wounds: A Soldier’s Burden

    The 5 Love Languages Military Edition provides a valuable tool for couples trying to build a strong relationship in the midst of the enormously challenging stresses of military service. It provides practical instruction on how to identify the true needs of your spouse and gives suggestions of actions to take that will be the most meaningful to them—all within the unique context of military cross-country moves, deployments, and reintegration. For those willing to make the sacrifices and put in the hard work, this book will be a useful guide to achieving a healthy, mature, and rewarding marriage.

    —RICHARD CROWLEY, Army spouse

    The 5 Love Languages Military Edition is exactly what every military marriage needs. The decoding section at the back of each chapter has great tips to keep the spark going while the military member is away, but these tips can also be used when the military member is at home. Once you and your spouse learn each other’s love language, life becomes much sweeter.

    —MAUREEN ELIAS, Air Force spouse

    As military couples, we understand what is challenging about our marriages. Rarely do we find anyone willing to supply us with practical answers for those challenges—until Dr. Gary Chapman and Jocelyn Green in The 5 Love Languages Military Edition. This book will give you real help for the real struggles of military marriage.

    —CDR (RET.) ROBERT AND BETTINA DOWELL, US Navy

    Teaching couples to discover their unique love language and learn to communicate their affection more strategically has been Dr. Chapman’s mission for years. This military edition with Jocelyn Green considers the added challenges military families face, due to deployments and other geographical separations, making this book a must-have resource for chaplains, military support personnel, ministry leaders, and military couples alike. Buy more than one copy, because you will be sharing it with friends!

    —JILL BOZEMAN, Army spouse and founder of Operation Faithful Support

    © 2013, 2017 by

    GARY D. CHAPMAN

    All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

    All Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

    Edited by Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse

    Interior design: Smartt Guys design

    Cover design: Faceout Studio

    Cover image credits: Dog tags: Matt Smartt; Flag: Sergey Kamshylin /123RF

    Authors photo credits: Gary Chapman: P.S. Photography

    Jocelyn Green: Paul Kestel of Catchlight Imaging

    Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

    Names: Chapman, Gary D., author. | Green, Jocelyn, author.

    Title: The 5 love languages military edition : the secret to love that lasts / Gary Chapman with Jocelyn Green.

    Other titles: Five love languages military edition

    Description: Chicago : Northfield Publishing, 2017 | Includes bibliographical references.

    Identifiers: LCCN 2016045842 (print) | LCCN 2016047251 (ebook) | ISBN 9780802414823 | ISBN 9780802494740

    Subjects: LCSH: Military spouses--Psychology. | Military spouses--United States--Conduct of life. | Marriage. | Communication in marriage. | Self-help techniques. | Love.

    Classification: LCC UB403 .C47 2017 (print) | LCC UB403 (ebook) | DDC 646.7/808835500973--dc23

    LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016045842

    2013022819

    ISBN: 978-0-8024-1482-3

    We hope you enjoy this book from Northfield Publishing. Our goal is to provide high-quality, thought-provoking books and products that will help you with your real needs and challenges. For more information on other books and products that will help you with all your important relationships, go to 5lovelanguages.com or write to:

    Northfield Publishing

    820 N. La Salle Boulevard

    Chicago, IL 60610

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    Printed in the United States of America

    To Karolyn,

    Shelley, and Derek

    Contents

    Acknowledgments

    Introduction

    1. What Happens to Love in a Military Marriage?

    2. Keeping the Love Tank Full

    3. Falling in Love

    4. Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

    5. Love Language #2: Quality Time

    6. Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

    7. Love Language #4: Acts of Service

    8. Love Language #5: Physical Touch

    9. Love Language Scramblers

    10. Discovering Your Primary Love Language

    11. Love Is a Choice

    12. Loving the Unlovely

    13. A Personal Word

    14. Frequently Asked Questions

    The 5 Love Languages Profile for Couples—for Him

    The 5 Love Languages Profile for Couples—for Her

    Notes

    More Relationship Help from Gary Chapman

    More from Jocelyn Green

    Acknowledgments

    This military edition of The 5 Love Languages would not have been possible without the help of numerous contributors. First and foremost is Jocelyn Green. She knows the military lifestyle from personal experience. Her experience, her interviews with military couples, and her excellent writing skills have made this journey easy for me. I am deeply grateful to her.

    Thanks also to my administrative assistant Anita Hall for her technical assistance, and to Betsey Newenhuyse at Northfield Publishing for her keen editorial skills.

    For the past fifteen years, I have been speaking on military bases and listening to the stories of husbands and wives as they shared the stresses of daily military life. Many of them have given permission to use their stories in this edition. Of course, we have changed their names for the sake of privacy. I am sincerely grateful to each of these unnamed heroes, who have helped others by openly sharing their own experiences. Special thanks to Army wife Brenda Marlin for offering a host of ideas for our Decoding Deployments sections, to Chaplain (Lt. Col.) Tom Cox for his valuable insights into the reintegration process, and to Paula and Lt. Gen. (Ret.) R. L. Van VanAntwerp for sharing wisdom gleaned from nearly four decades in the Army.

    The 5 Love Languages Military Edition was informed by dozens of conversations, both recent and from years past, with members and spouses from all branches and ranks of the military. Thank you for your investment in military marriages through your contributions to this volume, and thank you for your service to our country.

    Thank you for purchasing The 5 Love Languages® Military Edition. As a military couple, you will gain more benefit from this book by reading it together. This can be challenging if you are physically separated due to deployment. If such is the case, we want to make the eBook version of this title available to your spouse at no cost. Please direct your spouse to this website for instructions on how to download the eBook: 5LoveLanguagesMilitaryOffer.com.

    This limited-time offer is subject to change without notice.

    Introduction

    Ihave been a marriage counselor for many years. I have never known of a couple who got married hoping to make each other miserable. Yet hundreds of couples have sat in my office sharing the deep pain of a fractured relationship.

    Their dreams had turned to nightmares, and they were ready to split. Through the process of counseling, I have seen many of those couples find renewed hope and learn the skills that create a loving, supportive marriage. One of the key elements in moving from failure to success is learning the power of love.

    A number of years ago I wrote a book called The 5 Love Languages. It has sold more than ten million copies in English and has been translated into more than fifty languages around the world. Every week I receive emails saying, Your book saved our marriage.

    The book has been distributed widely to military couples, and the response has been extremely encouraging. One young man said, "As soon as I arrived in Afghanistan, I began reading The 5 Love Languages. I had never read anything so simple, yet so profound. This book enables marriages not only to survive through deployment but even thrive and deepen during the long period of separation."

    I have led marriage enrichment seminars on numerous military bases, both in this country and abroad. Everywhere I go, those who seek to enrich military marriages have asked, "Why don’t you write a Military Edition to The 5 Love Languages dealing with the unique challenges of military marriages?" This book is an attempt to answer that request.

    Although exact statistics on divorce rates in the military are unavailable due to how such statistics are tracked, many chaplains have told me that numerous military marriages are under significant stress. Many couples are truly suffering. The adjustments of early marriage are often thwarted by an untimely deployment. What happens in the heart, mind, and behavior of the husband and wife during deployment often creates emotional distance. Reentry after deployment can often be traumatic. I believe the most essential ingredient in a successful military marriage is to keep emotional love alive in the relationship. What you are about to read has the potential of helping you have the marriage you’ve always wanted.

    Author and former military wife Jocelyn Green has helped guide the shape of this edition and collected many stories you will read here about military marriages. The names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals. The branch of service and military rank of the individuals are usually unstated. The message of The 5 Love Languages applies to all military couples. If this book helps you, I hope you will share it with other military couples. I believe together we can help thousands of couples discover that a healthy marriage and a successful military career are both possible.

    GARY CHAPMAN

    What Happens to Love in a Military Marriage?

    Ifirst met Chuck in Germany. He had a successful military career—twenty-three years under his belt. However, all was not well. In his own words: My marriage is in shambles. I don’t understand love and I’m not sure you can keep love alive in a military marriage. I was madly in love with my first wife. We were high school sweethearts. We got married right after graduation, and a month later I joined the military. The first couple of years were exciting, but eventually our love grew cold. We seemed like roommates living in the same house. On the day after our tenth anniversary, she went home to visit her mother and never returned. I didn’t feel all that bad about it because by this time neither one of us loved each other.

    What about your second marriage? I inquired.

    It was about a year after our divorce that I met Cathy. At the time, she was also in the military. It was one of those ‘love at first sight deals,’ he said. It was great. We had an awesome marriage until we got assigned to different bases. That was tough. So a year later, she left the military so we could be together. Then, the baby came along and things changed. We never rediscovered the connection we had in the first year of our marriage. It was like our love evaporated. She and our son left last Tuesday to go back to the States, and I know it’s just a matter of time until she files for divorce.

    When things were going well, how did you express your love to Cathy? I asked.

    I told her how beautiful she was. I told her I loved her. I told her how proud I was to be her husband. But after three or four years, she started complaining about petty things at first—like my not taking the garbage out, or my not hanging up my clothes. Later she went to attacking my character, telling me she didn’t feel she could trust me, accusing me of being unfaithful to her. She became a totally negative person. When I met her she was one of the most positive people I had ever known. That’s one of the things that attracted me to her; she never complained about anything. Everything I did was wonderful, but after a few years, I could do nothing right. I really think I tried. I honestly don’t know what happened.

    I could tell Chuck was experiencing internal struggle over what was going on in his marriage, so I said, You still love Cathy, don’t you?

    I think I do, he said. I don’t have the kind of love I had when we first got married, but I certainly don’t want a divorce. I think we could have made it, but I don’t think Cathy wants to work on the marriage. I could tell this strong warrior had a wounded heart.

    Did things go downhill after the baby was born? I asked.

    Yes, he said. I felt like she gave all of her attention to the baby, and I no longer mattered. It was as if her goal in life was to have a baby, and after the baby she no longer needed me.

    Did you tell her that? I asked.

    Yes, I told her. She said I was crazy. She said I did not understand the stress of being a twenty-four-hour nurse, and I should be more understanding and help her more. I really tried, but it didn’t seem to make any difference. After that we just grew apart. After a while there was no love left, just deadness.

    Chuck continued the conversation and I listened. What happened to love after the first year of marriage? he asked. Is my experience common? Is that why we have so many divorces in the military? I can’t believe this has happened to me twice. And those who don’t divorce, do they learn to live with the emptiness, or does love really stay alive in some marriages?

    The questions Chuck asked are the questions thousands of military couples are asking. Sometimes the answers are couched in psychological research jargon that is almost incomprehensible. Sometimes they are couched in humor and folklore. Most of the jokes and pithy sayings contain some truth, but they are often like offering an aspirin to a person with cancer.

    The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Books abound on the subject. TV, radio, podcasts, social media all deal with it. The Internet is full of advice. So are our parents and friends. Keeping love alive in our marriages is serious business.

    With all the help available from media experts, why is it so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding?

    THE TRUTH WE’RE MISSING

    The answer to those questions is the purpose of this book. It’s not that the books and articles already published are not helpful. The problem is we have overlooked one fundamental truth: People speak different love languages.

    My academic training is in the area of anthropology. Therefore, I have studied in the area of linguistics, which identifies a number of major language groups: Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, English, Portuguese, Greek, German, French, and so on. Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents and siblings, which becomes our primary or native tongue. Later, we may learn additional languages—but usually with much more effort. These become our secondary languages. We speak and understand best our native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. The more we use a secondary language, the more comfortable we become conversing in it. If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited. We must rely on pointing, grunting, drawing pictures, or acting out our ideas. We can communicate, but it’s awkward. Language differences are part and parcel of human culture. If we are to communicate effectively across cultural lines, we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate.

    In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other. Chuck was speaking the language of Words of Affirmation to Cathy when he told her she was beautiful, he loved her, and he was proud to be her husband. He was speaking love, and he was sincere, but she did not understand his language. Perhaps she was looking for love in his behavior and didn’t see it. Being sincere is not enough. We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to effectively communicate love.

    My conclusion after many years of marriage counseling is that

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