TransForm: Dramatically Improve Your Career, Business, Relationships, and Life…One Simple Step at a Time

TransForm

Dramatically Improve Your Career, Business, Relationships, and Life . . . One Simple Step at a Time

Jeff Haden

BlackBird Media, Inc.

Copyright © 2014 by Jeff Haden

All rights reserved.

This book is available for special discounts for bulk purchases for sales promotions and premiums. Special editions, including personalized covers, excerpts of existing books, and corporate imprints, can be created in large quantities for special needs.

For more information, contact the publisher at www.blackbirdinc.com

Portions of this book may be reproduced upon request.

Portions of this book are adapted from material originally published by the author on Inc.com and LinkedIn Today.

Published by BlackBird Media, Inc.

Design and Layout: Rick Soldin – book-comp.com

ISBN: 978-0-692-24227-8

Contents

Introduction

Happiness

Today, Go Home Early

You Let Your Life Suck

Why You’re Not Happy

20 Minutes, Better Day

Happier at Work

Stop

Sleep Better at Night

Goals

Overcome Your Fear

Afraid?

You Can Excel

Silence

Sneak Up

Success

How Success Works

Banish Negativity Bias

Success for the Confrontation Averse

Idea is a Verb

Be Rich or Be Happy?

Best Way to Decide

Graceful Under Pressure

Opportunist or Opportunistic

Do What You Love?

Uncommon Thoughts, Uncommon Success

Power of Hard Work

One Question Every Successful Person Asks

A Different Measure

Personal Development

I Was Told

Stand Out

Give Work Away

Overcome Insecurity

Attack A Challenge

Get Smarter

Change a Habit

Un-Learn

Take a Step

The Feeling You Lost

Most Important Investment

Improve a Skill

One Failure to Embrace

Choose New Heroes

Best Promotion Is Never Self Promotion

Questions to Ask

Not to Do

Confidence Boost

Leverage Body Language

Feel Better (About Yourself)

Personal Productivity

Knock it Out

De-Clutter Your Day

Do More

Professional Relationships

Say Today

Honorable Work

Improve Your Circle

Four Words

Best Way to Start

Completely Unselfish

Leadership

One Decision

Science of Trust

Better Brainstorming

Fix The Worst

Never Say (to Yourself)

Evaluations

Never Want to Hear

Need Most

Fire

Difference You Make

Wish You Could Say

Ruin an Offsite

Never Ask to Do

Worst Question

One Leadership Tool

One Management Strategy

Ruin a Meeting

Rarely

Lessons

Terrible Excuses

Huge Step

Incentives

Daily Promises

Praise

Two Words

Rewards

Elements of Praise

Unexpected

Entrepreneurship

Start

6 Ways to Fail

Less is More

Common Mistakes

Worst Excuses

Remarkable

Be a Remarkable Employee

Be a Remarkable Entrepreneur

Be Remarkably Memorable

Be Remarkably Successful

Be Remarkably Charismatic

Be Remarkably Loyal

Be Remarkably Likable

Be Remarkably Giving

Be Remarkably Productive

Be a Remarkable Professional

Be a Remarkable Boss

Introduction

We all have big dreams.

But there’s a major problem with having big dreams: the destination looks awesome . . . but the road seems impossibly long and hard. The very thought of taking those first steps is daunting.

So you never really start.

And your dreams stay just that: dreams.

Transforming your life doesn’t mean making huge, dramatic, sweeping overnight changes.

All you need to do is do little things differently. Doing one small thing differently can improve your career. Doing another small thing differently can improve a professional or personal relationship.

Instead of diving in, dip a toe in the water, try something different, and see how it works.

Then, when something works, it becomes a part of you. That change is no longer a change—it’s business as usual.

And your life is better. Your life, slowly and surely, is transformed: because you internalize and form a new a better habit and approach, one that’s natural, automatic, and an inherent part of you.

Say you take a moment and write a heartfelt note to a person who once made a huge difference in your life. While writing that note is a small thing, it instantly changes both of your lives. Your friend or relative feels better about herself—and so do you.

In one small yet important way your life is transformed. Expressing gratitude is so personally fulfilling, praising and recognizing other people will soon become a lifelong habit. You won’t even have to think about it—you’ll just do it.

That’s why making small changes works where a sweeping overnight reinvention does not. Make incremental, gradual changes and each is transformational—without the pain, without the stress, and without the angst that comes from trying to somehow magically turn yourself into something you are not.

So dip in. While you can certainly read this book from front to back, it’s designed to be more like a cookbook. Some tips you’ll want to try right away. Others you’ll save; when you need the right tool, it will be there.

Some chapters feature practical tips and strategies you can immediately try. Others are intended to give you a new perspective, or a new way of looking at old problems, or to just make you think about something differently—because when you think differently, you act differently.

Life is a process. To be more successful—and more importantly, to be happier—means changing some of those processes for the better. Every time you make a small change, you incrementally transform your life.

So start now. And don’t stop. Make tomorrow a better day . . . and all the tomorrows to come.

Happiness

Today, Go Home Early

Contracts and proposals and fame and fortune can wait. Today, even if just for one day, flip your priorities and go home early.

That night we talked for almost an hour.

Federal investigators had just raided his offices. He didn’t say why and I didn’t ask. He claimed it was all an unfortunate misunderstanding.

Still, he was desperately worried about what might happen to him and his company. He talked about that for a long time. I was encouraging and supportive but mostly just listened. By the time we got off the phone he sounded a lot more hopeful and positive.

The next morning, sitting alone on the patio at his house, he shot himself.

Later I happened to drive by his old offices. Without thinking I pulled over. He had spent tens of thousands of dollars turning an old building into a showcase for his engineering and construction management firm.

Now, a few years later, it’s a day spa. I sat and stared, without really seeing, as the memories flooded back.

He was a client but we had also grown to be like friends. I say like because I liked him, but our friendship was definitely one-sided. I knew way more about him than he knew about me. I’m no psychologist but he seemed to have an emotional hole he could never fill, and he reached—hard—for anyone who might help him fill it, even for brief moments.

As a result he could be uncomfortably candid. He talked about wanting a family, especially children he could cherish and spoil. He talked about wanting friends who liked him for who he was and not for his connections or influence or money. He talked about how his wife had committed suicide and whether he, without knowing at the time, was in any way to blame.

Finally I shook my head and drove away and wondered, as I often do, what was on his mind that day as he sat on his patio. As always I imagined he felt hopeless and alone, playing and replaying choices he wished he had made differently.

I think he felt so hopeless because his business life and personal life were inextricably tangled. He used his business as an extension of his personal life—in fact, as the basis of his personal life—to a greater degree than anyone I’ve ever known.

He often overpaid vendors, partly to feel larger than life but mostly because he could then ask them to spend time with him outside of work knowing they wouldn’t refuse. He knew few people are willing to upset the goose that lays the golden eggs. He put acquaintances and even his preacher on the company payroll so they would be more closely tied to him. He created partnerships not because the underlying business made sense but because partners inevitably talk and interact and spend time together.

He used his business to create a kind of a personal life, one he often said was unsatisfying and unfulfilling but was the only one he had.

I think his sense of hopelessness and despair stemmed from the fact that his business was in jeopardy and therefore so was each of his relationships. Losing his business didn’t just mean he would lose things—losing his business meant he would lose all the people that he felt cared about him.

Without his business he had no one: no one to turn to, no one to lean on, no one who cared unconditionally.

He had no one to say, It’s going to be okay. I love you. We’ll get through it.

If you knew you only had minutes left to live, what choices would you regret? Would you wish you had spent more time at work? Would you think about money you never earned, or markets you never entered, or companies you never started?

Would those be the kinds of choices you would want back?

Of course not. You would think about the people you love and how you wish you had chosen to spend more time with them. You would want to have told them how much they mean to you—again and again and again.

So don’t wait.

Contracts and proposals and fame and fortune can wait until tomorrow. Today, even if just for one day, flip your priorities and go home early.

Sit somewhere quiet with your significant other. Put aside any baggage or resentment you may hold. Strip off any emotional armor you may have put on over the years. Tell the person you love exactly how much they mean to you. Say the things now you would otherwise someday wish you had said.

You’ll probably cry. He or she will definitely cry. Both are really good things.

Then spend time with your kids doing nothing; all they really want from you is attention and praise. Or call a friend you’ve lost touch with. Swallow your pride and be the one to reach out.

Can a business be like a family? Can a business relationship be like a real relationship? Sure—but the emphasis is on like. No business family ever measures up to a real family. No business relationship ever measures up to a real relationship.

Go home early and strengthen yours.

Business will be there tomorrow.

You Let Your Life Suck

Is your personal or professional life unsatisfying? Here’s how you—more than anything else—might be holding yourself back.

Not happy with your life, either personally or professionally? If that’s the case the culprit isn’t your upbringing, a lack of opportunities, bad luck, or other people holding you back.

The culprit is you.

If your life sucks, the problem lies in what you believe—and in what you do.

You mistake political gain for achievement.

Infighting, positioning, trying to look better by making other people look worse . . . playing politics can help get you ahead.

But if you win by politics you ultimately lose, since political success is based on the impulses, whims, and caprices of other people—other people you don’t even like. That means today’s success can be tomorrow’s failure, and success or failure is largely outside your control.

Real achievements are based on merit. They can’t be taken away—by anyone.

Real success is truly satisfying.

You’re afraid of sniping or sarcasm.

Try something different. Try something others won’t try. Almost immediately, people will talk about you—and not in a kind way.

The only way to keep people from being snide, disparaging, or judgmental is to say and do what everyone else does.

Then, of course, you live their lives and not yours. And you won’t be happy.

See people talking about you as a sign you’re on the right track—your track.

Your track is the happy track. Not theirs.

You don’t try to be last.

Everyone likes to be first.

But often it’s better to be last: The last to give up, the last to leave, the last to keep trying, the last to hold on to principles and values.

The world is full of people who quit. The world is full of people who pivot—even though pivot is sometimes just a fancy word for give up.

There will always be people who are smarter, more talented, better connected, and better funded. But they don’t always win.

Be the last to give up on yourself; then, even if you don’t succeed, you still win.

You equate acquisition with satisfaction.

Psychologists call it hedonistic adaptation, a phenomenon in which people quickly push the buzz from a new purchase towards their emotional norm.

That Aaah . . . feeling you get when you look at your new house? It quickly goes away. The same is true for your new car, new furniture, and new clothes. So in order to recapture the Aaah . . . feeling, you have to buy something else. The cycle is addictive. And so you’re never satisfied. You can’t be. That’s not how we’re made.

Real, lasting satisfaction comes from doing, not from having. Want to feel good about yourself?

Help someone.

Knowing you’ve made a difference in another person’s life is an Aaah . . . that lasts forever.

It’s also a cycle that’s addictive—but this time, in a good way.

You’re looking for a big idea.

Stop trying. You won’t hit the big idea lottery.

And even if you did come up with the ever-elusive big idea, could you pull off the implementation? Do you have the skills, experience, and funding?

Me either.

But here’s what you do have: Tons of small ideas. You don’t need to look for a big idea if you act on your little ideas.

Happiness is a process, and processes are based on action.

You don’t ship.

We’re naturally afraid to be done because then our idea, our product, or our service has to sink or swim. And we’re desperately afraid it will sink.

Maybe it will—but if you don’t put it out there it can also never swim. No product can be successful until it’s shipped. No application can be successful until it’s released. No service can be successful until it’s in the field.

When in doubt, ship it out. Then make whatever you produce next a little better. And ship that. And keep going.

You can’t feel proud until you ship. So ship—a lot.

You see your resume or CV as an end result.

Many people collect jobs and experiences in pursuit of crafting a winning resume.

That’s backwards. Your resume is like a report card. It’s just a by-product of what you’ve accomplished, learned, and experienced.

Don’t base your life on trying to fill in the blanks on some ideal CV. Base your life on accomplishing your goals and dreams. Figure out what you need to do to get to where you want to be, and do those things.

Then let your resume reflect that journey.

You wait.

For the right time. The right people. The right market. The right something.

And life passes you by.

The only right is right now. Go.

You don’t collect people.

Walk around your house. Or look around your office. Look at your stuff.

Now have your extended family over for dinner. Or get together with friends. Look at your people.

Which is more fulfilling?

Thought so. You can love your stuff but your stuff can’t love you back.

You think you aren’t happy.

Close your eyes.

Imagine I have the power to take everything you hold dear away from you: Family, job or business, home . . . everything.

And I exercise that power. All of it, everything, is gone.

Would you beg and plead and offer me anything to get that life back? Would getting that life back mean everything to you? Would you realize that what you had is so much more important than what you didn’t have?

Would you realize that what I just took away was pretty freaking awesome?

Of course you would.

Now open your eyes. Literally . . . and figuratively.

You don’t call your parents.

Your parents give you love and support in spite of all your faults and failures. You don’t even have to work for it.

Who can’t use a little more of that?

Your Definition of Success

No matter who you are or what you do, there is still only one way to define success.

That’s right. One. No kaleidoscope, no cornucopia, no we’re all snowflakes, no we’re all individuals.

One.

Sure, success in business and in life means different things to different people.

And success should mean different things. Whether or not you are successful depends on how you define success, and on the tradeoffs you are willing to not just accept but embrace as you pursue that definition of success. We can have a lot but . . . we can’t have everything.

I get that, but I also get this. To a boss, to an employee, to anyone, there is only one way to determine success. The answer lies in answering one question:

How happy am I?

That’s it. How successful you are is based solely on the answer to that question.

How happy are you?

Extremely successful people—at least in terms of traditional business success—work impossibly long hours while focusing almost exclusively on building their career. In many cases (some would argue most cases) their personal and family lives are to some degree a casualty of that focus.

Is that a fair tradeoff?

Fair or unfair is beside the point.

Tradeoffs are unavoidable. If you’re making tons of money but are still unhappy, you haven’t embraced the fact that incredible business success often carries a heavy personal price. Other things are clearly more important than making money, and that’s okay.

If on the other hand you leave every day at 4 o’clock and pursue a rich and varied personal life and you’re still unhappy, you haven’t embraced the fact—and it is a fact—that that what you chose to do for a living, and how you choose to do it, will not make you wealthy. Personal satisfaction is nice, but it’s not enough for you . . . and that’s okay too.

Try to compartmentalize all you want, but business success, family and friends, personal pursuits . . . no aspect of your life can ever be separated from the others. Each is a permanent part of a whole, so putting more focus on one area automatically reduces the focus on another area.

Want to make more money? You can, but something else has to give.

Want more time with family? Want to help others? Want to pursue a hobby? You can, but something else has to give.

What motivates you? What do you want to achieve for yourself and your family? What do you value most, spiritually, emotionally, and materially? That’s what will make you happy—and if you aren’t doing it, you won’t be happy.

Sound simplistic?

It is—but think of all the people you know who complain about the results of the path they have clearly chosen. For example, I know teachers who constantly complain about the low pay. Constantly. Eventually I say, Maybe you should change jobs.

Oh no! they cry. I love teaching!

No you don’t. If you truly love teaching you would better accept the inevitable—and it is inevitable—financial trade-offs.

So are you happy?

Defining success is important, but taking a clear-eyed look at the impact of your definition matters even more. As in most things, your intention is important, but the results provide the real answer.

If helping others through social work is your definition of success, you may make a decent living but you won’t get rich . . . and you must embrace that fact. If you’re happy, you have.

If building a $100 million company is your definition of success, you can have a family but it will be almost impossible to have a rich, engaged family life . . . and you must embrace that fact. If you’re happy, you have.

If you’re not happy, rethink your definition because it’s not working for you. You can’t have it all. You shouldn’t want to have it all, because that’s the best way to wind up unhappy and unfulfilled.

Ask yourself if you’re happy. If you are, you’re successful. The happier you are, the more successful you are.

And if you aren’t happy, it’s time to make some changes.

Why You’re Not Happy

Success doesn’t guarantee happiness. At all.

Sixty-two percent of Bulgarians say they are not very happy or not at all happy.

If John F. Kennedy could be a Berliner, then we’re all Bulgarians. We’re all unhappy sometimes—even those who’ve reached the heights of entrepreneurial success.

Here’s why.

You mistake joining for belonging.

Making connections with other people is easier than ever, and not just through social media. Joining alumni groups and professional organizations, wearing golf course polo shirts or college sweatshirts, even putting a silly window sticker with initials like HH on your car to announce to the world you summer at Hilton Head Island . . . people try hard to show they belong, if only to themselves.

Most of those connections are superficial at best. If your spouse passes away the alumni organization may send flowers. (Okay, probably not.) If you lose your job a professional organization may send you a nifty guide to networking. (Okay, probably not, but they will send you the invoice when it’s time to renew your membership, so there is that to look forward to.) Anyone can buy, say, a UVA sweatshirt. I didn’t go to UVA but I do have one. (It was on sale.)

The easier it is to join something the less it means to you. A true sense of belonging comes from giving, self-sacrifice, and effort. To belong you have to share a common experience—the tougher the experience, the better. Clicking a link lets you join; staying up all night helping load trailers to meet a ship date lets you belong. Sending a donation gets your name in a program; working your butt off in an over-crowded soup kitchen lets you belong to a group of people who are trying to make a difference.

Pick a group you want to belong to and do the work necessary to earn their respect and trust. A true sense of belonging gives you confidence, especially during tough times, and provides a sense of security and well being, especially when you’re alone.

You think you can achieve everything.

Our parents were well intentioned and wrong: We can’t be whatever we want to be. We can all achieve amazing things, but we can’t do anything we set our minds to. Genetics, disposition, and luck all play a major part.

The key is to know yourself and then work to be the best you can be based on your unique set of advantages and limitations.

Here’s a non-business example. Say you decide you want to run a marathon. Fine—with enough training almost anyone is capable. But say you’re a guy, you weigh a muscular 250 pounds, and you want to run those 26-plus miles in under 2 hours and 30 minutes. That’s just not going to happen; you’re not made that way, and the attempt will leave you discouraged, defeated, and unhappy. But with enough training you could probably bench 350 pounds, something those whippet-thin marathon guys will never do.

The same is true with, say, public speaking. You may never be like Billy Mays but you could be an outstanding Steven Wright.

What you achieve isn’t nearly as important as the fact you achieve something. Pick a goal you’re suited for and go after it. Doing something—in fact, doing anything—most other people cannot or will not do will make you proud, fulfilled, and a lot happier.

You think business success equals fulfillment.

You can love your company but it will never love you back. (Cliché, sure, but true.) No