Taming the Tiger Mom: A Balanced Approach to Maximizing a Child's Potential

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PART I

BECOMING A

PARENT

CHAPTER 1

THE HEAVY RESPONSIBILITIES AND COMPLEXITIES OF PARENTING

Becoming a parent seems rather simple. You find someone you love and care for, get married or cohabitate, and have a child, at which point you become a parent. Unlike becoming a lawyer or a physician, parenting does not require specialized education or passing a test. Nor is a higher education level or socioeconomic status a necessary part of good parenting.

Parenting is arguably one of the most common tasks we face, and yet also the most difficult. As many people who are successful otherwise will learn, things do not exactly go as planned or hoped when it comes to parenting. The founder of Samsung Group, the late Lee Byung-chul, was no exception. He was CEO of the largest company in Korea and yet considered parenting one of the most tumultuous tasks in life. Parents must adjust their parenting behavior as a child moves through different stages of development. The role of parents is especially important during a child’s first few years because it is during this period that parents essentially permeate the child’s entire environment. In this phase of a child’s life, the child forms an attachment to his or her parents that lays the foundation for healthy personality development, including basic trust, autonomy, and sense of initiative. During this period, the child also undergoes rapid mental and physical development.

Parenting is nothing like manufacturing a product. When a product is manufactured by a systematized process in a controlled environment, it usually comes out as intended, save for a few faulty products. Farming, by comparison, is trickier. The environment, in particular the weather, cannot be controlled, and the crops are greatly affected. Yet there is still a certain assurance that quality seeds and proper watering and fertilizing will produce a good yield most years. Parenting, though it can be likened to farming, is far more difficult. The results cannot be guaranteed. Every child is born with a unique disposition and potential, and by the age of two or three, children have already begun to have minds of their own. Even if parents have an excellent future planned for their child, the reality seldom plays out as planned. Also, as the saying goes, no two children are alike, even in the same family, even with similar genes and childhoods spent in the same family environment. If a group of parents was to follow the same method of parenting suggested in a bestselling parenting book, the results would still vary widely, because every child is different and each parent’s temperament is also different.

The sound of rustling might wake up a baby very sensitive to sound while not bothering others. The trait of being extra sensitive itself is not a problem; rather, it becomes a problem when parents have a low threshold of acceptance for that trait in their baby. Sometimes just having more realistic expectations about our children can be helpful. Knowing we have a child who is of a more sensitive temperament can help us to understand that it is not our fault, that we did not make this child the way he is, and that it is not the result of bad parenting. When parents can accept these individual differences, they can more effectively help the sensitive child successfully grow out of that stage.

For example, if a very active parent has a child who does not enjoy physical activity, this may potentially lead to conflict. Or if a parent is very social and enjoys parties and their child has a tough time feeling comfortable in a group of people, the parent may become frustrated and angry with the child. Parents must observe the needs of their children and try to meet them. Regardless of a child’s disposition, a parent’s sensitive and attentive care will enable healthy development to a great degree; if the parent is inattentive and does not meet the child’s needs, the child will be adversely affected. A child who sometimes misbehaves is unlikely to develop a severe behavioral problem if the mother or father can provide patient, loving, and supportive care. By contrast, a mother or father who considers a child’s behavior to be a serious problem and is insensitive to the child’s needs has a high likelihood of affecting the child adversely. As such, there are varying levels of compatibility between parents’ temperaments and a child’s, similar to marital compatibility between a husband and wife. This compatibility is referred to in some literature as goodness of fit. With more compatibility, children grow up in less stressful conditions, and parents can revel in the joys of parenthood.

There are basic principles of good parenting across generations and cultures. One is parental devotion and patience. Another is careful observation and sensitivity in identifying a child’s needs and then meeting them. All parents hope their children live healthy and happy lives. Parenting methods, however, are influenced greatly by culture and environment. As such, parenting practices vary by socioeconomic status and ethnicity as well as how those parents were parented. For instance, the attitudes and practices of American parents differ from those of Korean parents, and each set of practices has its own advantages as well as its consequences. American parents generally respect the individuality of their children and are less likely to harbor unrealistic expectations for them. Also, fewer American parents expect their children to get into Harvard or become rich and famous. By contrast, Korean parents tend to have unrealistically high expectations of their children, hoping they get into a top university, or even win a Nobel Prize.

Yet not all flowers in the world have to be roses. There are thousands upon thousands of different kinds of flowers, each with a unique beauty that, in harmony with other flowers, makes the world more beautiful. This is why Chinese philosopher Zhuang Zhou said that one should neither stretch the duck’s legs, which are short by nature, nor amputate the crane’s legs, which are long by nature.

To care for a young, blooming tree, the gardener does needed pruning, creates shade to protect the tree from the scorching sun and erects supporting stakes to help it withstand storms. Likewise, it is the responsibility of parents to create a nurturing environment for their growing child. To this end, parents must pay close attention to their child, determine the child’s needs, and take action to meet those needs. Through this process, parents can gain an understanding of their child’s strengths and weaknesses and become better able to nurture the strengths and embrace the weaknesses.

Another point parents need to understand is that the child should be approached as a whole person. Parents must remember the dynamics that exist between the different domains of their child’s development, including physical, socio-emotional, and intellectual aspects. For example, overweight children often find it difficult to make friends, and as a result, suffer from low self-esteem or depression. In this case, pressuring the child only to study hard will leave him or her feeling helpless; the priority should be helping the child lose weight. In a similar sense, it is difficult for a sickly child to concentrate on schoolwork. Expecting a child who often misses school due to poor health to perform well academically is unrealistic. If a child is too weak to do strenuous exercise, parents should guide the child to start with easier exercises first. The parents must first help the child get healthy, ensuring that health comes before studying hard or enjoying play and sports.

Contemporary parents face many challenges raising children in today’s rapidly changing world, especially with increasing time and money pressures and the prevalence of dual-earner households. Yet I don’t believe any generation of parents in human history ever considered parenting easy.

In spite of its difficulties and challenges, parenting is the most joyful and meaningful human endeavor. It is an invigorating and powerful experience where parents, together with their children, can grow.

CHAPTER 2

WHAT MAKES US: GENES VS. EXPERIENCE

Most of us at some point have asked ourselves the question of what makes us the way we are. Are we mainly a product of our genes or influences from the environment? How do we turn out the way we do? How do inherited genetic traits, parenting methods, and the setting in which a child is raised affect that child’s development, and to what extent? There is an old Korean saying: Water and children go as they are led. What does this mean in the debate of nature versus nurture? The natural flow of water from higher pressure to lower pressure can be likened to children inheriting genetic factors from their parents. At the same time, just as creating a sluice improves water flow, creating an optimal environment allows children to develop their inherent abilities and reach their full potential.

Among scholars who insist that genetic factors play a decisive role in human growth and development, some believe that intelligence level is determined at birth by the genes that a child receives from his or her parents. Well-known—albeit controversial—American psychologist Arthur Jensen claimed that 75 to 80 percent of human intelligence is determined by heredity, leaving only about 20 percent to be determined by one’s environment. Recent research results on twins and adoptees offer support to this claim, suggesting that heredity has the most significant impact on one’s intelligence. Research has also shown that from childhood to old age, the intelligence of identical twins tends to coincide to an increasing degree, while the intelligence of adoptees comes to resemble that of their biological parents more than that of their adoptive parents.

Facial features, complexion, height, body type, and motor skills are also known to be affected greatly by genetic factors. Even much of a person’s psychological makeup, such as introversion or extroversion, aggression, and feelings of well-being, are genetically based.

Proponents of environmental determinism claim that the role of the environment in child development is greater than that of heredity. Advocates of this theory believe that children are born as the tabula rasa, or blank slate, and that development occurs through training and experience. They claim that physical environment (quality of healthcare and diet), social environment (family, friends, and school), and the parenting methods used are key factors for a child’s growth and development. For instance, while adoptees resemble their biological parents more than their adoptive parents in intelligence, adoption studies have also shown that children adopted into families of higher economic standing generally exhibit higher intelligence than biological siblings who were raised by their biological parents. The differences serve as the evidence that the socioeconomic status and nurturing environment of the adoptive families contribute to the intellectual development of adoptees.

In addition to family environment and parenting methods, one’s social environment also affects intellectual development. Changes in environmental factors, such as enhanced educational infrastructure and improved diet, have proven to increase the intelligence of children. While the rate of increase differs by country, during the past few decades, the average IQ has reportedly been increasing by about three points every decade. There are also some instances in which environmental manipulation can deter the harmful effects of hereditary influences. One such instance is the rare hereditary disorder known as phenylketonuria (PKU), which is caused by a deficiency of an enzyme that breaks down phenylalanine. The accumulation of phenylalanine in the body causes spasms, intellectual disabilities, and psychiatric disorders. Most PKU cases are detected soon after birth through newborn screenings, with a prompt treatment that follows. Therefore, the severe signs and symptoms of classic PKU are rarely seen. Though the occurrence of PKU varies among ethnic groups and geographic regions worldwide, in the United States, PKU occurs in 1 in 10,000 to 15,000 newborns. This is a prime example of controlling hereditary influence through appropriate intervention.

According to recent neuroscience research, not only do environmental factors, such as the diet of the parents, prenatal maternal stress, and the nutrition of the fetus, influence genetic traits, but the resultant changes are also passed on to the next generation. In other words, lifestyle and environment can cause changes in genetic expression without changing the genetic code. The study of this phenomenon is called epigenetics. Research has shown that people who live in poverty for a long period of time have relatively low motivation for achievement, which influences their genes and increases the likelihood of their children having lower intelligence and less motivation to succeed.

Such findings remind us of the seriousness of the economic polarization plaguing many countries. According to a report by the United Nations Development Program, the richest 10 percent of people accounted for 23 percent of all income in Korea in 2009, while the poorest 10 percent accounted for 3 percent. The implications of economic polarization do not end with psychological and emotional scarring of the poor. The greater tragedy is that economic polarization leads to polarization in education in the next generation. According to research by the Bank of Korea and the Korean Bureau of Statistics, in 2008, households in the top 20 percent income bracket in Korea spent around seven times more on their children’s education than households in the lowest 20 percent income bracket. This means that poor students are not only brought up in homes that do not have ideal environments for studying but they also receive education of poorer quality. There’s a Korean proverb that says, A dragon can sometimes rise from a small stream. In the past, it was not uncommon to hear of people overcoming difficult childhoods to save their families from hardship in Korea. Recently, however, such tales seem rare.

Is financial wealth all that parents need to be able to provide a rich educational environment for their children? Not all children of wealthy parents achieve academic success. Also, there are plenty of motivated students who, despite unfavorable family conditions, enter prestigious universities and become contributing members of society. Where I live in Northern California, more than half of high school valedictorians are of Asian descent. A significant number of them are the children of Vietnamese immigrants who sailed to the United States with few material possessions after the Vietnam War. Often, those students live with their families in small apartments, with no desks of their own, only a spot at the dining table. After supper, the TV is turned off, and the table is cleared for