The Human Line
By Ellen Bass
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About this ebook
Ellen Bass
A pioneer in the field of healing from child sexual abuse, Ellen Bass currently teaches in the MFA program at Pacific University in Oregon. Her poetry books include Mules of Love and The Human Line.
Read more from Ellen Bass
Beginning to Heal: A First Book for Men and Women Who Were Sexually Abused As Children Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
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The Human Line - Ellen Bass
ONE
Sleeping in My Mother’s Bed
Though she left by ambulance
my mother’s bed is smooth, the sink dry.
It’s like a depression in rock,
the mortar where women ground
their grain, now scoured clean.
I brush my teeth with her toothbrush,
pull her nightgown over my head,
bring my miniature Jack Daniel’s
to the freezer, but there’s no ice.
All the little squares lined up
empty. So I drink it neat.
Every night at ten when she locked up
the store, she’d slip on a gown like this,
then pour a highball and relax
with a handful of pretzels or nuts.
I lie in her bed
like a fork on a folded napkin,
perfectly still and alone.
Here I am, I think, as close
to my mother as I’ll ever get.
The imprint of her body lingers
as if she’d just gotten up to pee.
I am she, sleeping or not sleeping, the thread
of my life unwinding, only a few loops
still curled around the spool.
When my mother dies, there’ll be nothing
between me and mortality. The hip
that bothers me slightly now
will whine like a wire in high wind
and be replaced, like hers—all those years
she shut the door of the walk-in icebox
with a swing of that good bone.
And I’ll be awake in a bed like this.
The clock with oversize numbers ticking,
the phone with its alarm, the wheelchair
and commode surrounding me like sentries.
On my bureau, these very same photos
will sit propped up, smiling—one section
for the dead, one for the living—
more and more crossing over.
The low ache of the day
diffused through my body like salt—
but far from sleep,
as though sleep were across the ocean
and I were just setting out
adrift on my primitive raft.
Twilight from the Window of My Mother’s Hospital Room
Light falling, the sky a wash
of color, I look up
from my book that fearlessly
explains the vast empty
spaces: if an atom
were the size of a cathedral
the nucleus might be a sleeping bee.
We are nearly noncorporeal, flesh
penetrable as flame.
The view from the window is not beautiful—
a red-brick police station,
a few bony trees, a parking garage
that grows darker, the people
illuminated striding to their cars.
Snow drifts in cones of icy light
while on CNN the same fires flare,
over and over the same distant rubble.
When my mother’s shirred eyelids close
I ease the volume down.
In sleep her hand flutters
as though wind swept through
the still room and her palm
weighed no more than a snowflake.
The stomach tube pumps
bile into a clear bucket,
the monitor beeps its frequent warnings,
and even dozing my mother
thumbs her morphine pump.
Still, I like this time of day, tea-colored,
night steeping into the sky.
When she wakes I rearrange pillows
under her knees, tuck her worn sweater
over her chest where she likes it.
Then I sit and watch the earth
slowly roll away from the light.
On the Air
The oldies station plays the songs
it