Kiss the Sky: Helicopter Tales

KISS the Sky Helicopter Tales

All Rights Reserved © 2002 by Janine Hay Hornung

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system, without the permission in writing from the publisher.

Writers Club Press an imprint of iUniverse, Inc.

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Any resemblance to actual people and events is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction.

ISBN: 0-595-22896-8

ISBN: 978-1-4697-7512-8 (ebook)

Contents

Foreword

Preface

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Fluttering in the Air

Poop or Get Off the Pot

Toggles That Boggle

See Ya Later Alligator

Mr. Frog’s Wild Flight

You Can’t Hitch A Coyote With A Horse

FUBAR

Let Sleeping Pigs Lie

History 101

Hallucinations and Other Realities

You Dirty Rat, You

By The Light Of The Moon

I Want To Be A Pilot

Women in Aviation

How To Fly A Helicopter

Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From Flying Helicopters

Low Flight

Afterword

Conclusions

About the Author

Glossary

To Skyler who never tries to clip my wings.

And to Maroon Flight 86-19, Fort Rucker, Alabama, 1986.

To the pilots of yesterday, the pilots of today, and the pilot wannabes of tomorrow.

What can you conceive more silly and extravagant than to suppose a man racking his brains, and studying night and day how to fly?

—William Law, 1728.

Foreword

I Am A Pilot

I hold my head high;

I have flown with hawks

soared with eagles

and gone where most men

and few women have gone.

I hold my head high;

I have chased rainbows

skirted around storms

and flown where most men

and few women have flown.

I hold my head high;

I have realized dreams

touched the stars

and seen places most men

and few women

have seen.

I hold my head high;

I have felt heaven

my soul soaring

and breathed like most men

and few women

ever breathe.

Jan Hornung

Preface

Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.

—Warning label on child’s Batman costume.

I went to the United States Army Aviation Flight School in 1986. I was one of two females in a class of 70 men. With determination and hard work, we all helped each other graduate and go on to careers in Army Aviation. We flew OH-58s, UH-1s, Black Hawks, Cobras, Apaches, Chinooks, and some went on to fly fixed-wing.

We were Army Reservists, National Guardsmen, and full-time regular Army, stationed at posts all over the world. We were lieutenants, captains, and warrant officers. Some of us came from within the Army, or we transferred from other service branches. Some came from off the street from high school, college, or other careers. We were of various ethnic backgrounds, male and female, married and single, ages ranging over 20-year differences.

Some of us stayed in the obligatory four years (now longer) after graduation, and some are still pursuing 20-year careers in Army Aviation. Some went on to other careers in and out of the aviation field. Some are no longer with us. Those who came before us flew in wars such as Vietnam. Some of us flew in the Gulf War and other dangerous lands and situations.

No matter where we are today, we are all pilots. And we all experienced one of the most intense, difficult, enjoyable, and memorable years of our lives at Fort Rucker, Home of Army Aviation.

Whether you once flew, you fly today, you hope to fly one day, or you fly in your dreams, may you appreciate the humor in aviation. Other books may celebrate the feat of flying; I celebrate the pure joy of flying.

May all your dreams take flight. Jan Hornung, Maroon Flight 86-19. Some day my ship will come in, with my luck I’ll be at the airfield.

Acknowledgements

Thank you to Ruth Hay for her exceptional editing abilities. Thank you to Hal Hay for uploading and downloading countless

files during the editing process. Thank you to Skyler Hornung for encouraging me in all I do. Thank you to Ruth and Hal Hay for making the beautiful stained

glass Army aviator’s wings on the front cover. Thank you to the U.S. Army for giving me the opportunity to fly.

Jan Hornung

Introduction

To infinity and beyond!

—Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen) Toy Story

I once had an instructor pilot in flight school who loved to say, KIS. I was usually absorbed in total concentration of attempting to fly the helicopter. My fingernails sweated inside my flight gloves, I had just the correct amount of pressure as I chewed on the side of my tongue, and I was never able to understand the sexual overtones from him at that particular moment.

Finally one day on the ground I questioned what he meant when

he said kiss to me.

Keep it simple, he explained.

Keep it simple, stupid? I asked.

Not k-i-s-s, he answered. "K-I-S, keep it simple. Relax, you’ll fly

better. Not keep it simple, stupid. You’re not stupid or you wouldn’t be here. But you’re gonna do a lot of stupid things before you leave here."

Boy, was I ever glad I never told him what I had been thinking. From then on in flight when I found myself holding my breath, chewing my tongue, and tightening up from my curled toes to my furrowed brow, I said to myself, KIS. It became my mantra.

Once while flying with a different instructor pilot, I accidentally pressed the push-to-talk button as I muttered this calming acronym, KIS.

He replied, Not now, honey, maybe after we land.

Keep it simple. I believe in that principle. I strongly feel, as does the Federal Aviation Administration and the United States Army Aviation Systems Command, that we need rules and regulations for flying. I just do not think we need as many and in as much detail as the government has laid out for Army pilots. Therefore, I have come up with a simple list of regulations any pilot can follow. I plan to present my list to the Commander of the United States Army Aviation Systems Command.

It states on page one of the Helicopter Operator’s Manual, …if you know of a way to improve the procedures, please let us know.

Should they accept my simplified version, however, they will no longer have jobs. That’s how they keep their jobs—by constantly changing the rules for flying as well as the limitations of the aircraft.

Another perk of my regulations is that they will apply to any type of aircraft. There will no longer need to be a separate and lengthy manual written for each and every type of aircraft, whether rotary-wing or fixed-wing. Think of it: The Huey, Black Hawk, Scout, Chinook, Apache, Cobra, and all the other helicopter types could use my one simple list. This is a great way to cut back on government waste.

When aviation was just in its infancy, someone had the foresight to come up with a list of rules. The beauty of these rules is that they are simple:

Regulations for operation of aircraft

—commencing January 1920.

1. Don’t take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.

2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.

3. Don’t turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.

4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.

5. Never get out of a machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the engine controls.

6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy position to wipe off goggles.

7. Riding on the steps, wings, or tail of a machine is prohibited.

8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.

9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.

10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.

11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.

12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.

13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.

14. Do not trust altitude instruments.

15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.

16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.

17. No spins on back or tail slides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines.

18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don’t make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.

19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open throttle.

20. Don’t attempt to force machine onto ground with more than flying speed. The result is bouncing and ricocheting.

21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.

22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.

23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger.

24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with its controls and instruments.

25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.

Here is my simplified list of helicopter flight regulations:

Rule number one: Do not fly the helicopter unless you are absolutely sure it will stay in the air until you are ready to land.

Stop the presses! Am I on to something here? This simple rule alone could save up to four pages of preflight checklist on the Huey. As my TH-55-A instructor pilot used to say, It’s a piece of cake and a can of corn. Too easy, right? If the checklist does not specifically instruct you, the pilot, to check the rotor blades, I maintain you still will anyway. It is your own safety we are talking about here. Check the fuel, the old checklist says. Nah, just fly until she goes dry and practice your autorotating skills. Of course you will check the fuel even if it is not written down somewhere. Keep it simple. Always keep in mind that takeoffs are optional, but landings are mandatory.

Rule number two: If an emergency occurs in flight, land as soon as possible.

As I was writing this one, I originally came up with: If an emergency occurs in flight, land as soon as possible, unless flight can be safely continued; then land as soon as practicable, unless emergency can be fixed in flight; then continue flight. Boy Howdy! I was starting to sound like those boys at Systems Command.

Hey, Bubba, there’s smoke in the cockpit, land ASAP. That’s land as soon as possible.

No, I don’t think that’s too practicable right now over this here lake. But I reckon if you’d put out that cigarette, our emergency could be fixed in flight. See how simple that is?

Rule number three: All pilots will carry a map.

I think this should go without saying. There is a regulation that goes on and on about flying with a current map and all the up-todate publications and regulations. I used to have a small satchel especially for all this paperwork. One map is all you need,