Hospitality & Tourism Human Relations Management in Africa

© 2012 by Dr.Lumumba U. Ubani. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 01/21/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4670-0923-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4670-0924-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4670-0925-6 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

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Contents

DEDICATION

FOREWORD

PREFACE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

INTRODUCTION

•   UNDERSTANDING HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS

•   WHAT IS THE MEANING OF HUMAN?

CHAPTER ONE

HUMAN RELATIONS

IN HOSPITALITY MANAGEMENT

CHAPTER TWO

THE MANAGEMENT OF GUESTS IN HUMMAN RELATIONS

CHAPTER THREE

MANAGEMENT-EMPLOYEE MORALE IN HUMAN REALTIONS

CHAPTER FOUR

WHY LEADERS IN HOSPITALITY MANAGEMENT FAIL WITHIN

THE AFRICAN NATIONS.

CHAPTER FIVE

THE IMPORTANCE OF HUMAN RESOURCE IN HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY

CHAPTER SIX

MOTIVATION OF

THE AFRICAN HUMAN RESOURCES

CHAPTER SEVEN

THE YEARS AHEAD

CHAPTER EIGHT

APPLIED HUMAN RELATIONS IN THE HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGEMENT

CHAPTER NINE

MON-MONEY REWARD OF WORKFORCE I

CHAPTER TEN

THE ANCILARY INVESTMENT

WITHIN YOUR OUTLETS

CHAPTER ELEVEN

TOP MANAGEMENT HUMAN RELATIONS DEVELOPMENT TOPICS

CHAPTER TWELVE

CHANGE-OF-TERMINOLOGY-IN-HOSPITALITY-AND-TOURIS PROFESSION

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CULTURAL DIVERSITY IN HUMAN RELATIONS

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

HUMAN RELATIONS IN IN HOSPITALITY AND TOURISM MANAGEMENT-PRACTICAL APPLICATION

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

THE WAYS TO KILL CREATIVITY WITHIN THE HUMAN RESOURCES—NEGATIVE APPROACH

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

THE ART OF RELAXATION IN HUMAN RERLATIONS MANAGEMENT

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

TEN HIDDEN BENEFITS OF SMILING IN HUMAN RELATIONS

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

TOP MANAGENMENT’S SELF-CONTROL IN HUMAN RELATIONS

CHAPTER NINETEEN

THE ARTS OF MANAGING SELF FOR THE TOP EXECUTIVE

CHAPTER TWENTY

THE ARTS SELF-MANAGEMENT BY TOP EXECUTIVE [C]

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

TOP MANAGEMENT ARTS OF SELF-MANAGING [D]

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

SELF-CONTROL THE BOOSTER OF HUMAN RELATIONS FOR TOP MANAGEMENT

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

THE BOOSTING CREATIVITY AMONG THE WORKFORCE IN HUMAN RELATIONS

CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

THE ART OF RELAXATION IN HUMAN RERLATIONS MANAGEMENT

CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

THE KNOWLEDGE

OF WHAT YOU DO NOT KNOW

CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

VISIONARY BOARD OF DIRECTORS-LEADERSHIP IN THE HOSPITALITY & TOURISM INDUSTRY

CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN:

BOOSTSING MANAGEMENT PERFORMANCE FOR HUMAN RELATIONS

CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

SELF-MANAGEMENT

CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

TOP MANAGEMENT SELF-DEVELOPMENT TOPIC: EMOTIONAL HUNGEFR

CHAPTER THIRTY

REWARDS AND RECOGNITION IN HUMAN RELATION MANAGEMENT

CHAPTER THIRTY ONE

POWERFUL POSITIVE MIND SET FOR TOP EXCECUTIVES

CHAPTER THIRTY TWO

SUMMARY AND CONCLUSION—EPILOGUE

A SHORT SUMMARY OF THE BOOK:

BIBLIOGRAPY OF THE BOOK

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

DEDICATION

To the Chineke of our hearts who made it possible for our realization and awareness, we give thanks.

This book is dedicated to you who gave us life first in the continent of Afrika. You also gave us the means to reflect and let go of all the man-made impediments. You gave us the means to be as we were created to be. This book is dedicated to you, Divine essence present within the heart of every one of mankind. Finally, I dedicate this book to my two sons-Ezewuiro and Ugochukwu and my Lady Uchechi.

FOREWORD

I have read Dr. Ubani’s book with absorbing interest. This book is classic on Human Relations management in hospitality and tourism in African continent. This book heats at the heart of the matter of the hospitality human relations management. Dr. Ubani has demonstrated his possession of an in-depth and wide experiential knowledge of the field in question. His idea on the Afro-centric human behavioural orientation is fare reaching and touched on the core of the topic indeed. He has hammered home to the readers that human relations management in the profession of hospitality in Africa must aim at the indigenous workforce and the multi-cultural factors of prevailing within the profession. It is unfortunate that most management approaches being dished out to the continental Africans are based on a transferred ideas and concepts very alien to their perception and cultural orientation. Once management now begins to look at the topic of human relations from the indigenous African perspective approach, their attention will be drawn quicker and better. For example, if the hospitality managers in China or in Russia depend solely of the Western perspective, both the members of their workforce and the customers will certainly feel alienated and will remain unmotivated. There no where the issue of cultural diversity is apparent as in the field of hospitality and tourism and the book have left no stone unturned on the matter. Dr. Ubani’s experience in various societies of the world including Europe, America and the African continent equipped him as one of the best knowledgeable person in the history of hospitality and tourism management in modern time.

The book will surely create a bridge of understanding between the Africans and none-Africans throughout the world. I sincerely recommend the book to students and to the educators in various colleges and universities involved in the field of hospitality and tourism management. Personally, I admire and appreciate the beautiful style with which Dr. Ubani has presented the vivid portrayal of the ‘universal mother land’ Africa. In my humble opinion, it is one of the most significant books to appear in modern age written by an African. The clarity of his ideas and his command of the field in question are outstanding. The book is a must read’ not only by the general students in the field but also by the government departments involved with tourism and hospitality management planning and the potential investors. The best of his aim in this book is the attention of human relations management applicable to the entire body of human resources in the hospitality industry, the entire body of the clients-customers, the entire body of both material-commodities suppliers, the entire body of the board of directors and the ownership of the organisation; the local and central government’s regulatory authorities and the professional bodies.

Dr. Ejieke E. Uzoalor

PREFACE

Although this book is not on the history of Africa, any topic on Africa and her people cannot afford not to touch some aspects of the African past and the present. From time Africa has been looted in every possible way. Even the history itself was stolen and seriously distorted. It is only in recent years historians have started to put together the true history of the old continent where humans first walked, this is our common history. The oppressors of Africans have to some extend succeeded in convincing everybody that the Africans had not been able to build any civilisations before the arrival of the people from outside. Today we know some of the oldest civilisations at all existed in Africa, but even the Africans have started to believe the lies told in the last two centuries. Not knowing their great past, many young people lack pride and faith in Africa. It is hard to see a future without knowing the past. Today the whole world is drowned in cultural imperialism from the West. A big part of the youngest generation in Africa sadly thinks that everything worth having origins from the Western Europe and America. African cultural heritage are still being denied the Africans. Historic and valuable artefacts are illegally exported mainly to private collections and museums outside Africa.

Contrary to the belief of many people Africa has a history going back to a long time before the arrival of the Europeans and the Arabs. But this early history is difficult to tell because few traces are left. First of all, the African societies maintained their culture and traditions verbally. Almost nothing was written down as most African cultures simply didn’t have a written language. The African cultures were based on story telling from old to young. The stories gradually faded and changed through time. Names of great kings were forgotten. Only a few tribes started to write down their history (One of them, the Foumban dynasty of Cameroon, developed a unique written alphabet to do so.) Most sources to the early Africa are written down by Europeans obviously with a risk of an unbalanced view of the events. The arrival of European helped to wipe away traces of highly developed ancient African cultures. The European people simply made themselves not to believe that any African tribe could have built something like the Great Zimbabwe. The explorers, missionaries and scientists decided that this was surely a trace of an old European civilisation in the middle of Africa. In more modern time archaeological findings in the East and South Africa has been kept secret because they could nourish (black) African nationalism. The Europeans really believed that they arrived in southern Africa at the same time as the black people arrived. By claiming this, they could justify their rights to the country—at least to themselves. Having said all these, the accurate story of the African world is actually left in the hand s of black Africans to be told.

However, the presentation of hospitality human relations management in Africa in this volume is a challenging task. Africa-the original home land of mankind holds the future promise for human kind. It will not matter at all how grim the continent may have been painted especially by those who must have benefited from its bounties, it still remains the only viable continent on earth! Going through all the processes of the research for this book, the observations and experiences of my exposure not only motivated me but also increased my personal self-worth. In fact, the wealth of human touch and the feelings of belonging were far reaching than one can ever imagine. Yes, it is described as one of the developing continent, but in every aspects of life, Africa is relatively very peaceful, beautiful and humanistic in all her dimensions. Although I have lived in Europe for the past forty years of my life, and found the western world relatively very developed and advanced in almost every aspects. However, the continent of Africa still holds the tranquillity, the orderliness and the humane essence inherent in the mother land! The primary objective of this book is the projection of the positive frank account of the African continental Tourism attraction and beauty. The management of human relations in hospitality and tourism industry is a challenge to the top executives involved in the control of both human and material resources. My personal experience in the Eastern African nations is that none-black Africans within such countries as Kenya, Malawi, Zimbabwe, Zambia and Senegal, sincerely see themselves as the nationals of those countries. Throughout my research for this book, I saw no obvious sign of skin racial divide. Indeed, what one noticed was the full sign of one people and one nation. It is the intention this book to amplify, to harmer home and regenerate these sense of international oneness and common wealth of nations. The tourists brought peace, harmony and wealth to Africa and in turn, Africans reciprocates with peace, harmony and amicable hospitality. So our case is that of wine-wine! The cultural diversity of the continent is very outstanding and fear reaching. In a global context the human relations management and development of people inevitably leads to considerations of diversity and related challenges.

The book draws attention of hospitality organisations to identify the major challenges and to develop practices which balance global competitiveness, multinational flexibility and the building of a worldwide inter-relationship. However, achieving this balance will require organizations to develop the cultural sensitivity and ability to manage and leverage learning to build future capabilities. In addressing the issues about developing effective human relations in hospitality management it appears that the following areas should be considered: (1) Identifying the nature and implications of national cultural differences within the human resources.(2)Establishing a basis for building understanding and awareness of cultural differences and how they may be managed.(3)Formulating a framework for developing a high performance strategy which takes account of cultural differences and leverages the diversity present in their organisation. The book has emphatically, drawn the attention of management to their African indigenousness. This has expressly stated that the topic of African management human behavioural orientation is a cardinal prerequisite for developing a viable human relations management strategy. The principal aim of this is to enhance the knowledge and awareness. The book has also delved into the topic of cultural diversity. There is an increasingly important belief in the need for managing cultural diversity in hospitality and tourism business. The profession is becoming more diverse in terms of race, ethnicity, national origin and other personal characteristics. One of the key challenges of diversity for management is valuing the differences between people and the ways in which those differences can contribute to enrich more creative and productive human relations. Hospitality and Tourism Management in Africa poses a challenge to management in very many ways. However, the human relations management remains the principal element for any effective and efficient overall control of the entire hospitality and tourism industry in Africa. The body of knowledge explained in this book are geared towards the achievement of that objective.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Although I have being described by some of my weak acquaintances as being eccentric for remaining on my own and less social. My friend’s overall accusation of my eccentricity originated from my peculiar approach to life and events. However, on my completing the research for this book, the preparation was is a highly social process. Throughout its conception, the distractions of life and challenges stopped not for a moment. My personal devotion and never-ending efforts had continued nonetheless. Writing a book on hospitality and tourism human relations management in Africa was a life draining effort. Throughout the research in preparation for the book, there was no existing indigenous reference material. The reasons for this obvious: hospitality management is seen by modern African academic and business researchers as some-thing very new and perhaps not widely known. Also the concept of human relations is relegated to the background of human behavioural science studies. To actually carryout a work of this nature one has to be not only a qualified manager in the field of hospitality but also experienced in an indigenous African human behaviour. It is this background which has equipped me to come up with a book of this nature.

The closing of 2010 and the opening of months of 2011 were fraught with heart wrenching agony and shock for me. Just as I was celebrating the publishing of my second book-the preventive Therapy in Complementary Medicine and the inauguration of the present one, the ancestors called on one of my beloved uncles Chief Victor Obilor, the Ugwumba I of Ogbe in Imo State of Nigeria. May his soul rest in perfect peace! But the ordeal of completing this book went on after my mourning. To those whose contributions were the call of friendship, my associates, my admirers and disseminators who undergird my work, I extend my sincerest gratitude for your support over the periods. Finally, I exalt the clairvoyance of brother Barrister Felix Ukawoko Uwahaemu who has encouraged my efforts through his words of wisdom over the years. I want to take this opportunity to acknowledge my gratitude once again to the entire Whitemore School of Business and Economics at McConnell Hall, the University of New Hampshire USA for all the support I was given during my studies their. Few years ago-especially the support I received from the International students Officer Mrs. Boland, Ms. Jenny Trip Student’s Affairs at McConnell Hall, Professor Eric Oaken at McConnell Hal and Ms. Jacinth-the then my confidant at the school of Social Science University of New Hampshire.

INTRODUCTION

‘Whatever you do, you must do it with all your heart and all your strength’

The indigenous peoples of African

The nature and scope of this book requires an elaborate discussion on the term indigenous people of Africa. Often when the topic of Africa is being discussed some of the inhabitants of the continent begin to distant themselves from participating fully. If you are benefiting from the economic and social resources of the continent you are in fact, part of the societies. The title hospitality and tourism human Relations management in Africa is inclusive term and touches every aspects of this field of business.

The indigenous peoples of Africa are those peoples of Africa whose way of life, attachment or who claims to particular lands, social and political standing in relation to other more dominant groups have resulted in their substantial marginalization within modern African states (viz. indignity for the purposes of this book has the narrow definition of politically underprivileged group who have been an ethnic entity in the locality before the present ruling nation took over power; see definitions and identity of indigenous peoples). Although the vast majority of African peoples can be considered to be indigenous in the sense that they have originated from that continent and nowhere else, in practice identity as an indigenous people as per the term’s modern application is more restrictive. Not every African ethnic group claims identification under these terms. Groups and communities who do claim this recognition are those who by a variety of historical and environmental circumstances have been placed outside of the dominant state systems. Their traditional practices and land claims often have come into conflict with the objectives and policies promulgated by governments, companies and surrounding dominant societies.

The resulting marginalization, combined with the desire to recognize and protect both their collective and individual human rights, and to maintain the continuity of their individual cultures has led many of these peoples to seek identification as indigenous peoples, in the contemporary global sense of the term. In the post-colonial period, the concept of specific indigenous peoples within the African continent has gained wider acceptance, although not without controversy. The highly-diverse and numerous ethnic groups which comprise most modern, independent African states contain within them various peoples whose situation, cultures and pastoralist or hunter-gatherer lifestyles are generally marginalized and set apart from the dominant political and economic structures of the nation. Since the late 20th century these peoples have increasingly sought recognition of their rights as distinct indigenous peoples, in both national and international contexts. Given the extensive and complicated history of human migration within Africa, being the first peoples in a land" is not a necessary pre-condition for acceptance as an indigenous people. Rather, indigenous identity relates more to a set of characteristics and practices than priority of arrival. For example, several populations of nomadic peoples such as the Tuareg of the Sahara and Sahel regions now inhabit areas in which they arrived comparatively recently. Their claim to indigenous status (endorsed by the African Commission on Human and Peoples’ Rights) is based on their marginalisation as nomadic peoples in states and territories dominated by sedentary agricultural peoples.

The Indigenous Peoples of Africa Co-ordinating Committee (IPACC) was founded in 1997. It is one of the main trans-national network organizations recognized as a representative of African indigenous peoples in dialogues with governments and bodies such as the UN. In 2008, IPACC was composed of 150 member organizations in 21 African countries. IPACC identifies several key characteristics associated with indigenous claims in Africa:

•   political and economic marginalization rooted in colonialism;

•   de facto discrimination based often on the dominance of agricultural peoples in the State system (e.g. lack of access to education and health care by hunters and herders); the particularities of culture, identity, economy and territoriality that link hunting and herding peoples to their home environments in deserts and forests (e.g. nomadism, diet and knowledge systems);

•   some indigenous peoples, such as the San and Pygmy peoples are physically distinct, which makes them subject to specific forms of discrimination.

With respect to concerns that identifying some groups and not others as indigenous is in itself discriminatory, IPACC states that it:

•   . . . recognizes that all Africans should enjoy equal rights and respect.All of Africa’s diversity is to be valued. Particular communities, due to historical and environmental circumstances, have found themselves outside the state-system and underrepresented in governance… This is not to deny other Africans their status; it is to emphasize that affirmative recognition is necessary for hunter-gatherers and herding peoples to ensure their survival. At an African inter-governmental level, the examination of indigenous rights and concerns is pursued by a sub-commission established under the African Commission on Human and Peoples’ Rights (ACHPR), sponsored by the African Union (AU) (successor body to the Organization of African Unity (OAU)). In late 2003 the 53 signatory states of the ACHPR adopted the Report of the African Commission’s Working Group on Indigenous Populations/ Communities and its recommendations. This report says in part (p. 62):

•   . . . certain marginalized groups are discriminated in particular ways because of their particular culture, mode of production and marginalized position within the state[; a] form of discrimination that other groups within the state do not suffer from. The call of these marginalized groups to protection of their rights is a legitimate call to alleviate this particular form of discrimination. The adoption of this report at least notionally subscribed the signatories to the concepts and aims of furthering the identity and rights of African indigenous peoples. The extent to which individual states are mobilizing to put these recommendations into practice varies enormously, however. Most indigenous groups continue to agitate for improvements in the areas of land rights, use of natural resources, protection of environment and culture, political recognition and freedom from discrimination. On the 30th December 2010, the Republic of Congo adopted a law for the promotion and protection of the rights of indigenous peoples. This law is the first of its kind in Africa, and its adoption is a historic development for indigenous peoples on the continent.

•   UNDERSTANDING HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS

Before exploring the topic of human relations management in hospitality and tourism industry let us give a brief discussion on the word relationship. This will enable us to understand the origin and connections of human relations. For most people, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in their lives. Whatever the time or place, relationships are always occupying our time. One of the most important relationship lessons I learned was this: The relationships we have with other people are projections of the relationships we have within ourselves. Our external relationships and our internal relationships are in fact the same relationships. They only seem different because we look at them through different lenses. Let us consider why this is true. Where do all your relationships exist? They exist in our thoughts. Your relationship with another person is whatever you imagine it to be. Whether you love someone or hate someone, you’re right. Now the other person may have a completely different relationship to you, but understand that your representation of what someone else thinks of you is also part of your thoughts. So your relationship with someone includes what you think of that person and what you believe she/he thinks of you. You can complicate it further by imagining what the other person thinks you think of him/her, but ultimately those internal representations are all you have.

Even if your relationships exist in some objective reality independent of your thoughts, you never have access to the objective viewpoint. You’re always viewing your relationships through the lens of your own consciousness. The closest you can get to being objective is to imagine being objective, but that is in no way the same thing as true objectivity. That’s because the act of observation requires a conscious observer, which is subjective by its very nature. At first it might seem troublesome that you can never hope to gain a truly accurate, 100% objective understanding of your relationships. You can never escape the subjective lens of your own consciousness. That would be like trying to find the colour blue with a red lens permanently taped over your eyes. That doesn’t stop people from trying, but such attempts are in vain. If you fall into the trap of trying to think of your relationships as objective entities that are external to you, you’ll be using an inescapably inaccurate model of reality. Consequently, the likely outcome is that you’ll frustrate yourself to no end when it comes to human relationships. You’ll make relating to other people a lot harder than it needs to be. Intuitively you may know something is off in your approach to relationships, but you’ll remain stuck until you realize that every relationship you have with another person is really a relationship that exists entirely within yourself. Fortunately, once you embrace the subjective nature of relationships, you’ll have a much easier time relating to people. It’s easier to get where you want to go when you have an accurate map. The subjective view of relationships implies that you can change or improve your relationships with others by working on the internal relationships within yourself. Furthermore, you can improve your internal relationships, such as your self-esteem, by working on your relationships with others. Ultimately it’s all the same thing.

On the other hand, I grew up in a house that was always—and I do mean always—neat and tidy. Even as a child, I took pride in keeping my room clean and well organized. So it probably comes as no surprise that I often push Josephine my lady friend to be neater and more organized If we try to look at this situation objectively, you might suggest solutions like me working on becoming more tolerant of disorder, Josephine working on being neater, or a mixture of both. Or you might conclude we that we are incompatible in this area and that we should try to find ways to reduce the level of conflict. Basically the solution will be some kind of compromise that seeks to mitigate the symptoms, but the core issue remains unresolved. Let’s see what the subjective lens has to say now. This model says that my relationship with Josephine is purely within my own consciousness. So my conflict with her is just the projection of an internal conflict. Supposedly my desire for Josephine to be neater and more organized means that I really want to improve in this area myself. Is that true? Yes, I have to admit that it is. When I criticize her for not being neat enough, I’m voicing my own desire to become even more organized. This is an entirely different definition of the problem, one that suggests a new solution. In this case the solution is for me to work on improving my own standards for neatness and order. That’s a very different solution than what we get with the objective model. To implement this solution, Josephine needn’t even be involved.

From the standpoint of the objective model, this subjective solution seems rather foolish. If anything it will only backfire. Wouldn’t my working on becoming neater just increase the conflict between me and Josephine? Now here’s the really fascinating part. When I actually tried the subjective solution by going to work on myself, Josephine suddenly began taking a keen interest in becoming more organized herself. She bought new home office furniture and assigned new homes to objects that were previously cluttering her workspace. She hired a cleaning service to clean the house and did more de-cluttering before they came over. She bought new bedroom furniture for our children. She did a lot of purging and donated many old items to charity. She began looking for a housekeeper and wrote up a list of cleaning tasks to be outsourced. And I really wasn’t pushing her to do this. If anything she started pushing me a bit. Somehow when I worked on myself (recognizing that this is an internal issue, not an external one), Josephine came along for the ride. I have tested this pattern in other ways, and it continues to play out. My external relationships keep changing to keep pace with my internal relationships. I have seen this effect with other people too, but it’s been most obvious with Josephine and my kids, since they’re the people I spend the most my time with. It’s rather hard at times how strong and immediate the effect is. However, the subjective model suggests that this is exactly how reality works, so I’m glad to have a paradigm that fits the results. I encourage you to experiment to see how your external relationships reflect your internal ones. Try this simple exercise: Make a list of all the things that bother you about other people. Now re-read that list as if it applies to you, if you’re honest you’ll have to admit that all of your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself. For example, if you dislike George Bush because you think he’s a poor leader, could this be because your own leadership skills are subpar? Then go to work on your own leadership skills, or work on becoming more accepting of your current skill level, and notice how George Bush suddenly seems to be making dramatic improvements in this area. It can be hard to admit that your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself, but the upside is that your relationship issues reveal where you still need to grow. Consequently, a fantastic way to accelerate your personal growth is to build relationships with others. The more you interact with others, the more you learn about yourself. I believe the true value of human relationships is that they serve as pointers to unconditional love. According to the subjective model, when you forgive, accept, and love all parts of yourself, you will forgive, accept, and love all other human beings as they are. The more you improve your internal relationships between your thoughts, beliefs, and intentions, the more loving and harmonious your human relationships will become. You should hold unconditional love in your consciousness, and you’ll see it reflected in your reality.

Flourishing relationships also allow a dynamic balance between focus on the intimate relationships and focus on other social relationships. A relationship is normally viewed as a connection between two individuals, such as a romantic or intimate relationship, or a parent-child relationship. Individuals can also have relationships with groups of people, such as the relation between a pastor and his congregation, an uncle and a family, or a mayor and a town. Finally, groups or even nations may have relations with each other, though this is a much broader domain than that covered under the topic of interpersonal relationships. See such articles as international relations for more information on associations between groups. Most scholarly work on relationships focuses on the small subset of interpersonal relationships involving romantic partners in pairs or dyads. An interpersonal relationship is an association between two or more people that may range from fleeting to enduring. This association may be based on Limerence, love, solidarity, regular business interactions, or some other type of social commitment. Interpersonal relationships are formed in the context of social, cultural and other influences. The context can vary from family or kinship relations, friendship, marriage, relations with associates, work, clubs, neighbourhoods, and places of worship. They may be regulated by law, custom, or mutual agreement, and are the basis of social groups and society as a whole. Interpersonal relationships usually involve some level of interdependence. People in a relationship tend to influence each other, share their thoughts and feelings, and engage in activities together. Because of this interdependence, most things that change or impact one member of the relationship will have some level of impact on the other member.[1] The study of interpersonal relationships involves several branches of the social sciences, including such disciplines as sociology, psychology, anthropology, and social work. The scientific study of relationships is referred to as relationship science and distinguishes itself from anecdotal evidence or pseudo-experts by basing conclusions on data and objective analysis. Interpersonal ties are also a subject in mathematical sociology.

One of the most important relationship lessons I learned in my personal experience was this: The relationships we have with other people are projections of the relationships we have within ourselves. Our external relationships and our internal relationships are in fact the same relationships. They only seem different because we look at them through different lenses. Let’s consider why this is true. Where do all your relationships exist? They exist in your thoughts. Your relationship with another person is whatever you imagine it to be. Whether you love someone or hate someone, you’re right. Now the other person may have a completely different relationship to you, but understand that your representation of what someone else thinks of you is also part of your thoughts. So your relationship with someone includes what you think of that person and what you believe s/he thinks of you. You can complicate it further by imagining what the other person thinks you think of him/her, but ultimately those internal representations are all you have. Even if your relationships exist in some objective reality independent of your thoughts, you never have access to the objective viewpoint. You’re always viewing your relationships through the lens of your own consciousness. The closest you can get to being objective is to imagine being objective, but that is in no way the same thing as true objectivity. That’s because the act of observation requires a conscious observer, which is subjective by its very nature. At first it might seem troublesome that you can never hope to gain a truly accurate, 100% objective understanding of your relationships. You can never escape the subjective lens of your own consciousness. That would be like trying to find the colour blue with a red lens permanently taped over your eyes. That doesn’t stop people from trying, but such attempts are in vain. If you fall into the trap of trying to think of your relationships as objective entities that are external to you, you’ll be using an inescapably inaccurate model of reality. Consequently, the likely outcome is that you’ll frustrate yourself to no end when it comes to human relationships. You’ll make relating to other people a lot harder than it needs to be. Intuitively you may know something is off in your approach to relationships, but you’ll remain stuck until you realize that every relationship you have with another person is really a relationship that exists entirely within yourself. Fortunately, once you embrace the subjective nature of relationships, you’ll have a much easier time relating to people. It’s easier to get where you want to go when you have an accurate map. The subjective view of relationships implies that you can change or improve your relationships with others by working on the internal relationships within yourself. Furthermore, you can improve your internal relationships, such as your self-esteem, by working on your relationships with others. Ultimately it’s all the same thing.

Here is a basic example of how this works

I met a lady called Josephine some years ago and quickly noticed she had an aversion towards orderliness. Having a messy room was a habit since childhood, and being organized was a concept forever alien to her. In Josephine’s filing cabinet, I once found a file labelled Stuff I Don’t Need. Chew on that for a while, on the other hand, I grew up in a house that was always—and I do mean always—neat and tidy. Even as a child, I took pride in keeping my room clean and well organized. So it probably comes as no surprise that I often push Josephine to be neater and more organized. If we try to look at this situation objectively, you might suggest solutions like me working on becoming more tolerant of disorder, Joe working on being neater, or a mixture of both. Or you might conclude we’re incompatible in this area and that we should try to find ways to reduce the level of conflict. Basically the solution will be some kind of compromise that seeks to mitigate the symptoms, but the core issue remains unresolved.

Let’s see what the subjective lens has to say now. This model says that my relationship with Josephine is purely within my own consciousness. So my conflict with Josephine is just the projection of an internal conflict. Supposedly my desire for her to be neater and more organized means that I really want to improve in this area myself. Is that true? Yes, I have to admit that it is. When I criticize Josephine for not being neat enough, I’m voicing my own desire to become even more organized. This is an entirely different definition of the problem, one that suggests a new solution. In this case the solution is for me to work on improving my own standards for neatness and order. That’s a very different solution than what we get with the objective model. To implement this solution, Josephine needn’t even be involved. From the standpoint of the objective model, this subjective solution seems rather foolish. If anything it will only backfire. Wouldn’t my working on becoming neater just increase the conflict between me and Josephine?

Now here’s the really fascinating part: When I actually tried the subjective solution by going to work on myself, Josephine suddenly began taking a keen interest in becoming more organized herself. She bought new home office furniture and assigned new homes to objects that were previously cluttering her workspace. She hired a cleaning service to clean the house and did more DE-cluttering before they came over. She bought new bedroom furniture for our children. She did a lot of purging and donated many old items to charity. She began looking for a housekeeper and wrote up a list of cleaning tasks to be outsourced. And I really wasn’t pushing her to do this. If anything she started pushing me a bit. Somehow when I worked on myself (recognizing that this is an internal issue, not an external one), Erin came along for the ride. I’ve tested this pattern in other ways, and it continues to play out. My external relationships keep changing to keep pace with my internal relationships. I’ve seen this effect with other people too, but it’s been most obvious with Erin and my kids, since they’re the