The Power of Self-Kindness: How to Transform Your Relationship With Your Inner Critic

Introduction

Listening to the Whispers

For as long as I can remember, I’ve experienced a compelling and convincing voice in my head. This voice would tell me that I wasn’t good enough because I got 97 per cent on a test at school but my friend got 98 per cent. If she had done better, I should have done better too. Later, this voice would tell me my career wasn’t where it should be, I should be earning more money and that I was a failure. When I thought about leaving a bad relationship, this voice told me I would always be alone and no one else would want me. Whenever I looked in the mirror, this voice pointed out all my flaws and imperfections.

Sometimes this voice was a whisper of a thought. Sometimes it was a roar: You’re a waste of space, the world would be better off without you and your life will never amount to anything. The exact script changed depending on the situation and the context, but the message was always the same: You are worthless, you suck at life and it’s only a matter of time before people see you for who you really are (and that, so we’re crystal clear, is a not-good person).

Ouch.

I tried many approaches to rein in this destructive background chatter: ignoring it, yelling at it (in my head), telling it to shut up, trying to drown it out with positive affirmations and good vibes, but nothing worked. The louder I yelled, the louder it yelled back. The more I tried to affirm, the more my inner critic told me I was a liar and what I was doing was ridiculous. I was trying to out-yell, out-affirm, and outmanoeuvre my inner critic. I won small battles here and there but, overall, I was losing the war.

Thus far, I’d spent most of my life waiting, placing my hopes on the next big milestone – leaving home, getting into university, graduating, getting a job and so on, thinking then, surely then, I would feel better about myself and this incessant chatter would cease. But I didn’t and it didn’t.

And then I realized, rather than waiting for things to get better, I would have to do something about it. I had always been interested in psychology, but my focus shifted to using it to reach greater self-understanding. I began to learn more about my inner critic and how its voice was influencing my life. I also began to understand where my inner critic came from, and how to deal with this out-of-control presence and its, often, 24/7 (unwelcome) running commentary.

During my adventures into the often weird, sometimes wonderful world of personal growth, I came across a school of therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS), whose concepts were the polar opposite of almost everything else I’d heard about the inner critic up to that point. The IFS approach suggested the inner critic wasn’t a gremlin or a monster, but part of our internal dialogue that was fearful, hurting and trying to keep us safe. Since none of my previous attempts to shut down my inner critic had worked, I decided to try dealing with my critic as though that were the case and see what happened.

While much of the IFS approach doesn’t resonate with me, its insight into my inner critic has transformed the way I approach it. Instead of being combative and angry – trying to match it at its own game – I’ve learned to look beyond its harsh words and sweeping judgements to question: What’s going on here? What’s this really about? Rather than telling my inner critic to shut up or trying to ignore it, keep calm and carry on, I now pay more attention to it. I also use tools like journaling (something I’ll talk about more later in this book) to slow down my interactions with my inner critic and ask it: What are you afraid of? What do you believe about this situation?

I used therapy to explore why my inner critic had developed in the way it had and to release some of the scripts I’d been raised with. Scripts my inner critic was clinging to, in the belief that I still needed protecting, but that didn’t apply to my life as an adult and ones I no longer needed. For example, if there was a chance someone was upset, angry or disappointed because of something I’d done or said, my inner critic would tell me that it was my job to make them feel better because it was my fault they felt that way. The fact they were unhappy with me was proof that I was a bad person, all my relationships were on tenterhooks, and it was only a matter of time before everyone would leave and I’d end up all alone.

Before, this script would have triggered a knee-jerk response. I would have felt an overwhelming desire to rush in and fix everything – even if that meant overriding my own feelings, experiences, values and needs. Or I would honour them, while experiencing gut-wrenching anxiety and the unshakeable sense that I was doing something wrong. Or I would respond with defensiveness and blame the other person for having feelings (how dare they!) or avoid the situation altogether and feel like the worst person in the world. But when I began treating my inner critic like a valid part of my internal dialogue and extending self-acceptance to all parts of myself, I started slowing down my thoughts and taking the time to ask: What’s the story I’m telling myself about this situation? Are there any other interpretations that I might be overlooking? What’s the belief underneath these words? And, outside this belief, what do I know to be true? Now that I use this more detached, questioning approach, I am less likely to get swept up in my inner critic’s panic. Instead, I pause to peel back the layers, strip away the harsh words, and try to understand what’s underneath the surface – what’s driving my inner critic and what is its raison d’être?

This new approach has transformed my life in several ways. I no longer view other people’s uncomfortable feelings as something I need to fix: they can have their feelings and I can have mine – both are valid. It’s not always comfortable, but I no longer assume it’s automatically my fault or a sign that I’m flawed. At the same time, I take greater ownership for my behaviour and decisions, and make amends where necessary, rather than avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable. I’m much better at setting boundaries. I compare myself unfavourably to others less often. I’m also less self-absorbed – and because I’m better able to empathize with myself, I’m better able to empathize with other people. Rather than spending most of my time worrying about what they’re thinking of me, I can better understand the world from their perspective. I take more reasonable risks, am open to more opportunities and try more things. Rather than making judgements, I try to keep an open mind. I’ve found the courage to create and share my thoughts, opinions and ideas through my website, www.becomingwhoyouare.net, and support other writers and artists as a creative coach. I’ve also learned more about other aspects of my internal world, the other voices present in my internal dialogue, and how I can use them to mediate with and counteract the destructive effects of my inner critic.

And the biggest change? I trust my ability to handle my inner critic. I don’t need my inner critic to change because I know I can deal with it. While I was trying to drown it out or ignore it, I thought taking this approach would make me feel more powerful and my inner critic less so, fuelled by the new-age idea that what we focus on grows. Talk to the hand, inner critic. But really, I was reinforcing the message: I cannot handle this part of myself (and therefore I cannot handle myself as I actually am), which only fed my inner-critic’s message that I wasn’t good enough or acceptable as I am.

Now, I’m no longer waiting for the magical day when I’ll wake up to find my inner critic has gone for good. I have an inner critic, sometimes a vocal one, and I’m okay with that. As counterintuitive as it sounds, I’ve found facing my inner critic head on, being willing to see and accept it for what it is, and showering it with understanding, empathy and compassion, has made it less powerful, less dominant and less of a controlling force in my life.

This way of viewing my inner critic has been the most transformative and has had a profoundly positive impact on my life, and it’s the approach I want to share with you. As we’ll explore, your inner critic came into existence for a good reason: to keep you in line with the beliefs, rules and scripts you grew up with – also known as conditioning. Throughout this book, you’ll find ideas, tools and resources to help you regain leadership of all parts of yourself and transform your relationship with your inner critic by using acceptance, understanding and your own internal strength.

Personal growth is personal and different approaches for dealing with their inner critic work for different people, so I’m not presenting this as a one-size-fits-all solution. Instead, I’m sharing the process that worked for me – turning down the volume on my inner critic and turning up the volume on another part of my internal dialogue, one I call my inner mentor (which we’ll explore in Part II). However, the most important thing is to find an approach that works for you, so I encourage you to take the ideas that resonate with you and feel free to leave any parts that don’t.

It feels important to share right here, in the beginning, that creating and maintaining a harmonious inner world, negotiating with myself and practising self-kindness will be a lifelong journey for me – and perhaps it will be for you too. Like all the important relationships in our lives, our relationship with ourselves requires attention, maintenance and work. It’s not something you do once, check off your to-do list, and consider done and dusted. It will probably involve conflict, discomfort, revelations, mistakes and forgiveness, as well as intimacy, belonging, laughter, peace and fulfilment.

When I first became interested in personal growth, my aim was to cure myself of negative thinking and inner conflict. Then, I figured, my life would really begin; I would be free. However, I’ve discovered I don’t need to be free of self-criticism to truly live, nor is it realistic to expect to be free of self-judgement and internal conflict 100 per cent of the time. Just as I sometimes disagree with, feel negatively toward or experience conflict with the people I love and care about, so I experience those things with myself too.

As I’ve been writing this book, my inner critics have been along for the ride. (Yes, you can have more than one critic, as I’ll explain in the next chapter.) Describing one of my inner critics in Part I (the one who is shaming and tells me I’m worthless and undeserving), not for the first time I wondered if I should keep going. A thought chimed in, breaking my writing flow: What are people going to think of you? You will have zero credibility if you talk about this. Another critic. But, as I talk about throughout this book, I can’t change my critics. I can influence them, but I don’t have control over when they speak up or what they say. What I can change, and have control over, is how I respond to them. This is what I want to share with you: how you can encourage your inner critics to rise to meet you, learn to negotiate with them for greater internal harmony, and live your life to the full.

I encourage you to start by thinking of your relationship with yourself as you would any other relationship in your life. It takes work, it’s not always easy and you will feel all the feelings – good and bad. But, while other people might come and go, your relationship with yourself is the one constant in your life. For that reason alone, it’s the one worth paying the most attention to.

How to Use This Book

This book is divided into two parts, which will guide you through the process of gaining a deeper understanding of your inner critics (and your internal dialogue in general), connecting with and identifying your inner mentor, and finally creating a working partnership between these important parts of your inner world. Along the way, I’ll be sharing insights from my personal experience, my work as a life coach and stories from other people’s experience of their inner critics.

At the end of each chapter, you’ll find some questions for reflection and practical exercises to help you make powerful shifts in your perspective so that you can start to change how you view both your inner critic and yourself. I’ve also offered suggestions for further reading as you move forward on your personal journey, and these are based on some of my favourite books and resources on this topic.

Part I is all about becoming more aware of, and understanding, your inner critic. You’ll learn about the different types of inner critic, how they show up, and learn to identify how they are influencing and affecting your life today. You’ll also explore where your critics come from and, in doing so, develop a deeper understanding of why they say the things they say. Then, you’ll explore