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My Champion Kisser
My Champion Kisser
My Champion Kisser
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My Champion Kisser

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Satan had learned that Heaven was sending humans computer-generated thought messages to 'be good' and these were working extremely well. Lillian had wanted Satan to use Hell's computers to send humans thought suggestions to 'be bad' thereby making demons unnecessary. With Winnie in control of Hell's computers, she could adjust the data so that Hell's thought messages appeared vastly superior. But, when Lillian found out that Rat was Winnie's boss, she changed the operation's goals. Rat had been part of the Bubonic plague and she wanted him to meet justice. Legally, Heaven couldn't do that. Therefore, one of Winnie's jobs now was to maneuver Satan into liquidating Rat.

Satan proposed a contest to determine which were more effective: traditional torments or computer-generated torments. This put Winnie into an almost impossible position. Rat's traditional approach had to lose for Lillian's plan to work. But that meant that Firewall Freddie's aura revealing software would win. This was bad because that software could work on Earth with devastating consequences. Firewall had to lose and yet Satan still had to adopt the concept. That would be challenging.

Rat's death in Hell was equally challenging to arrange. He'd have to do something catastrophic for Satan to liquidate him. What could that be? And, what about Meghan, Rat's tortured soul? There was something about her that Winnie couldn't figure out. She came across as evil and since she worked very closely with Rat, that meant that she could ruin Winnie's plans. What should she do about her?

LanguageEnglish
Release dateJan 24, 2020
ISBN9780463036464
My Champion Kisser
Author

David J. Wighton

David Wighton is a retired educator who enjoys writing youth novels when he's not on a basketball court coaching middle-school girls. The books in his Wilizy series peek at how people lived after the word's governments collapsed in the chaos that followed the catastrophic rise in ocean levels and the disappearance of the world's last deposits of oil. Luckily today, in the 2080s, the citizens of Alberta are safe because their It's Only Fair society uses brain-bands to zap people whenever they break a rule. That way, all children grow up knowing the difference between right and wrong. Unfortunately, they're also taught that women's ankles need to be covered so that men can't see them and turn into perverts. Plus, no-one in Alberta can have babies any more because the government manufactures them in a way that ensures that no child has an unfair advantage over any other child. All of this makes sense to Alberta's dictator, but not to Will and Izzy – two teenagers who are decidedly different from everyone else.Wighton's novels have strong teenage characters driving the plot and facing challenges that, in many respects, are no different from what teenagers face today. His novels are intended to entertain and readers will find adventure, romance, suspense, humour, a strong focus on family, plus a touch of whimsy. Wighton also writes to provoke a little thought about life in today's societies and what the future might bring. Teachers may find the series useful in the classroom and the novels are priced with that intent in mind.

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    My Champion Kisser - David J. Wighton

    Chapter 1

    Welcome to a certain sulfur-free apartment of love and understanding in the depths of SinSin-atti, Hell. As my readers will likely recall, at the end of Lock Up Your Cornstarch, Arthur had invited Winnie to take advantage of an unexpected free one way trip home. You may probably think of him as being a generous and thoughtful tour guide. Winnie's response was akin to having a rumbling chainsaw in her hands and an intense curiosity to see how quickly it could cut through Arthurian flesh. Here's the conversation from the previous book for you to reread in case you've forgotten. Winnie was speaking.

    How are you going to get me into that coffin, Arthur?

    Arthur rose, Winnie remained sitting. He approached.

    Don't you dare touch me with that hand, Arthur!

    Paula's face had been ping-ponging left and right as Winnie's and Arthur's conversation had sped from AnimoCity, Hell's eastern-most city, to Pugnacity, Hell's western-most city and back. Something about this argument reminded Paula of her mortal life when she had to referee the twins' frequent arguments. She reacted as any mother would do.

    Stop it, both of you! she ordered. Winnie, go to your office! Arthur, go into the bedroom. Don't either of you come out until I tell you to!

    Both Arthur and Winnie were stunned at the outburst. Obviously, Paula had made a quick trip to Hell's northern-most city, FeroCity.

    Well? What are the two of you waiting for? Hell to freeze over?

    # # # # # # # #

    As she had done with her twins, Paula talked with Arthur and Winnie separately, asking questions and collecting information. In part, she did this so that each of them could vent to her and cool down. She was also searching for solutions. My readers may now assume that Paula knows everything about the time that Arthur and Winnie's spent together on Earth bedeviling demons.

    Obviously, the Paula, Winnie and Arthur team could not continue like this. Not communicating with each other was bad enough, but now, with Rat fired from his job, they had no workable plan to steer Rat to Earth and they had no plan for Winnie and Arthur to escape if they were somehow discovered. Paula left each of them alone with a question to answer. How can the three of us become a smoothly functioning, collaborating team? Meanwhile, she sat down to mull.

    # # # # # # # #

    Arthur has become abnormally protective towards Winnie. Why?

    ...

    Answer: Because he has become physically attracted to her. They spent weeks together in mortal bodies. According to Joe-Joe, Arthur's new mortal body is fully functional. That means he has male hormones and he has no idea what those hormones are doing to him or how to deal with them.

    ...

    Winnie is attracted to Arthur too. She needed him for a hug. They cuddled. They fell asleep together. That means two hormone-laden teenagers have to work together deep undercover in Hell under the fear of being discovered. This is a disaster waiting to happen. What were Lillian and Joe-Joe thinking when they put them together like this?

    ....

    Answer. They put me on the team. My role in communicating back to Heaven was a secondary reason for my inclusion. First and foremost, I'm here to manage these two.

    ...

    They may be hormone-laden, but they are scared. I have to remember that I'm under no stress like they are. I can leave Hell any time I want without being detected. They can't.

    ...

    Telling them not to be scared won't work. How do I take the threat of constant danger off them and get them to start co-operating and communicating?

    ...

    I could lie.

    ...

    How do I stop Winnie from seeing the lie on my face?

    ...

    She can't see my face if I don't have one.

    ...

    Can I get away with two lies?

    # # # # # # # #

    Paula opened the office door and peeked in. Winnie was sitting at the computer desk, her eyes focused on her computer. She looked up to see Paula holding up a handwritten sign.

    DON'T SAY ANYTHING. CAN YOU LOCK THE APARTMENT DOOR SO THAT NOBODY CAN ENTER?

    Winnie nodded.

    Paula switched signs. DO IT, AND THEN COME INTO THE LIVING ROOM. DON'T MAKE A SOUND.

    Paula opened the bedroom door to see Arthur's angelic body suspended upside down from the light fixture in the middle of the room. He saw her looking at him and quickly unhooked himself. I was trying to think, he said lamely.

    Paula raised the sign she had for him. COME INTO THE LIVING ROOM. DON'T MAKE A SOUND.

    When both of them were there, she revealed the rest of her signs:

    ARTHUR AND WINNIE: CONVERT TO YOUR SHOULDER DEMON BODIES AND STAY IN THEM UNTIL WE RETURN.

    I'LL BE IN MY SOUL BODY.

    ARTHUR, TAKE US TO HELL'S FIRST TORTURE PIT.

    # # # # # # # #

    Paula: This torture pit area is an electronic dead zone, right Arthur?

    Arthur: Yes.

    Paula: So, there's no chance of any hidden electronic surveillance system hearing anything we might say while we're here. Right?

    Winnie: Yes. I can confirm that Hell's surveillance system does not extend to here.

    Paula: And nobody could have followed the two of you because you flew here in shoulder demon bodies. I couldn't be followed either in my soul body.

    Arthur: I don't see how we could have been followed.

    Paula: Winnie, you scan the apartment for surveillance devices daily, right?

    Winnie: It's an automated constant sweep. I'd know immediately if a new listening device were installed in the apartment. The scanner found Rat's surveillance cameras.

    Paula: What if we were intended to find the cameras in the apartment?

    Winnie: Why would anybody intend that?

    Paula: What if we were intended to find those cameras so that we wouldn't look any further?

    Winnie: What do you mean look further? You mean outside the apartment walls? Nothing from the outside could scan through those walls.

    Paula: Not that kind of further. I meant what if they didn't want us to look for a different kind of surveillance. Something that wasn't electronic.

    Winnie: What surveillance wouldn't be electronic?

    Paula: Something in a body.

    Winnie: I don't get it.

    Arthur: I don't either.

    Paula: Your advanced angel bodies can teleport through walls. What if Hell has created a similar advanced devil body that is top secret? What if we have been watched by an invisible devil who can enter and leave Rat's secret apartment without us knowing?

    Winnie: Why would you believe that?

    Arthur: Yeah, there's no evidence that an advanced invisible devil has been watching us.

    Paula: Yes, there is.

    Winnie: What evidence?

    Paula: When the two of you were provoking the BC shoulder demons, you did that by sending them emotional thoughts, right?

    Winnie: Yes.

    Paula: Did the demons even suspect that some invisible heavenly agent was playing with their emotions?

    Arthur: No. They had no reason to suspect that. Our bodies were secret. Nobody could have warned them.

    Paula: Winnie, have you noticed that you have been angry at Arthur a lot recently?

    Winnie: I had reasons to be angry.

    Paula: Arthur, have you noticed that you have been angry at Winnie a lot recently?

    Arthur: I had reasons too.

    Paula: Arthur, Winnie was upset because you were investigating on your own without involving her. Where did you get the idea to do that?

    Arthur: I dunno where it came from. I just thought it would be a good idea.

    Paula: Before you came to Hell, were you working effectively as a team with Winnie?

    Arthur: Yes.

    Paula: But you're not working as a team now. And the reason you're not working as a team is because somehow you got the idea to go out on your own and ignore Winnie. You ignored me as well. Why did you do that? We're supposed to be a team.

    Arthur: I don't know.

    Paula: I believe I know. I think something has been attacking us with emotions. Winnie hasn't been operating as a team member either. Nor have I. That something has been provoking the three of us to fight each other in exactly the same way that you and Winnie provoked those BC demons to fight each other.

    Winnie: How would you prove that, Paula?

    Paula: We don't have to prove it. What we have to do is design a defense plan to prevent any such emotional attacks from succeeding.

    Arthur: So you want us to assume that we're under attack and take countermeasures to stop them from succeeding.

    Paula: Exactly. Winnie, what do you think?

    Winnie: What countermeasures would we take?

    Paula: First, we should come to this electronic dead spot regularly and share any emotional messages that they might be sending us. We could help each other cope with the attacks if they were upsetting us.

    Winnie: We could come here as part of our overall operational planning. There's no way we could be overheard here and we could relax more.

    Arthur: And nobody could follow us here if Winnie and I always came as shoulder demons.

    Paula: Good idea.

    Winnie: OK, I get it. Emotional attacks that were designed to make us fight each other can be countered if we just share those messages with each other. But what if they weren't sending only hate messages? What if they were sending us images of what was going to happen to us if we can't escape from Hell when we're done?

    Paula: Have you been getting those kinds of fear images, Winnie?

    Winnie: Yes. I thought they were normal reactions to the stress we're under.

    Arthur: I'm seeing fear images too, except I see images of what could happen to Winnie. Rat won't ever let her go. Now that he's not working for the SSEC, he doesn't need Winnie to work on Firewall's technology. Any day now, he'll smuggle her back to his cave and force her to have sex with him in his weird bedroom. He wants her to be the mother of his children. Those images have been driving me crazy.

    Winnie: He can't force me into that bedroom, Arthur. Joe-Joe gave me additional weapons.

    Paula: Arthur, if I were a devil that could attack your emotions, I would certainly be sending you images of Rat with Winnie. Whether Rat's fantasy happens or not, either way, I have a solution. We won't be caught in Hell, no matter what Rat wants or does.

    Winnie: The chances of us getting caught leaving Hell are real if we can't arrange for a coffin ride, Paula. How are you going stop us from thinking about that?

    Paula: Joe-Joe told me about something we could do if we had an emergency and had to escape fast.

    Arthur: Why wasn't I told about that?

    Paula: It's top secret. Nobody is supposed to know. Angels might die if any of this leaks out.

    Winnie: So how do we escape from Hell if we can't use a coffin?

    Paula: I don't know. Joe-Joe wouldn't tell me. He just said that there was another way out of Hell if we absolutely needed to use it. If that happens, the two of you are supposed to hide while I go to Heaven and get instructions.

    Arthur: Joe-Joe wouldn't lie about a secret escape route.

    Winnie: Lillian would have told him to hold that information back so that we wouldn't take chances.

    Paula: So... are we agreed that we will meet here regularly and talk about any emotional attacks that we're sensing before working on our plan?

    Winnie: I agree to meet together regularly. Rat has lost his job with the SSEC and that will make him vulnerable. We can take advantage of that. Plus, Meghan is pretending to be a useless secretary, but she's not. We might be able to use her somehow.

    Arthur: I agree with meeting regularly too. I can add some things about Meghan that Winnie doesn't know.

    [Narrator: A reminder to my readers that Paula was in her invisible soul body during this discussion. That meant that Winnie's skills as a lie detector were useless. Moreover, neither Arthur nor Winnie could see Paula's broad smile as she listened to them sharing information about Meghan that they never would have done before this meeting. Sometimes, parents have to be creative in what they tell their teenagers. Mind you, of the two lies that Paula told, only one would turn out to be a lie.]

    Back to the Table of Contents

    Chapter 2

    Meghan was helping Rat pack up some of the contents of his office. That help included some technical assistance.

    Show me again how to copy files to the swamp.

    Meghan loaded a file and demonstrated the process. While he wrote her instructions on a file card, she stood deferentially by the side of his desk, eyes downcast. She turned her head slightly so that she could catch a glimpse of Rat's tail in her peripheral vision.

    "Pack up all of the office supplies from the storeroom, label the boxes Personal Possessions, and have them couriered to the cave. Wrap my trophies in your smocks and pack them carefully in a trophy box. Include my Wall of Shame plaque too. I'll carry the trophy box home myself."

    Yes, Sir. Is that all, Sir?

    Satan approved my request for a reassignment. I'll be free to conduct my medical research full time. I have a new project as well.

    Rat's unemployed secretary risked another peek out of the corner of her eye. Her boss' voice was calm but his rigid tail revealed his seething anger.

    I have some things in mind for you too. Rat's words hung frozen in the air, which was quite the feat in red-hot Hell.

    # # # # # # # #

    Narrator Interlude.

    Some background may be in order on how Hell provides extra sincentives for its executive class devils.

    Since centuries of inflicting torment on mortals can lead to complacency, Satan keeps his troops' sincentive high through a variety of status symbols, for example large bodies, thick horns, jeweled awards, and great wealth. However, Hell's salary benefits are also very effective.

    The higher one's salary, the more holidays a devil accumulates. Holidays are spent on Earth. Most young devils have to live a 'chaste' life in Hell since they are too poor to own souls that they can torture personally. As a result, going to Earth for a holiday can release a lot of pent-up evil in the form of personal one-on-one tortures.

    With wealth comes authorization for a personal stable of souls. The higher the devil's salary, and the higher he is in the hornocracy, the sooner he can start acquiring souls for personal pleasure as well as for help in running his business.

    The most powerful devils receive the ultimate sincentive - a spawning certificate. Permission to impregnate one human is given each time a devil receives a gem-level award. Normally, such awards require centuries of successful evil-dispersal so only the most powerful devils are permitted to start a family of their own. Most devils choose to impregnate their selected mortal on Earth and then watch with pride as the offspring wrecks havoc on Earth. After its mortal death, the spawn will descend to Hell and assume a position within the family business.

    Rat was too impatient to wait that long. He figured if his spawn were born in Hell, they could skip the living-on-Earth stage altogether and go to work in the family business immediately. With twelve gem awards to his credit, Rat was planning a large family. Patsy Phew was young, plus she knew how to program. What could be better?

    # # # # # # # #

    While his secretary was filching the SSEC office supplies, Rat paced back and forth, listening to the thumps of heavy boxes being piled atop each other in the storeroom. When he heard the courier's voice ask Is that all of them? he cradled his box of trophies and climbed the winding iron staircase for the last time.

    They were home in time for lunch. Rat wasn't particular hungry, at least not for food. Hearing the courier's voice in the storeroom had supplied the answer to his quandary of what he would do that afternoon. He had Meghan prepare two bowls of green bean soup and place both of them on the table. When she finished one bowl, he motioned her to finish the second. When she started to rise, Rat's hand stopped her. He took an empty bowl to the stove himself, filled it, and waited impatiently while she forced down her third helping of green bean soup.

    # # # # # # # #

    Rat escorted Meghan into the hobby room and scuttled off to his lab. Within minutes, he was back with a large stack of well-thumbed biker/babe magazines, an atomizer, two small glass bottles, and a wooden chair. Setting the chair and magazines in front of a padded wall, he brandished the bottles. This bottle has the perfume's vomiter; this has the convulser. He poured the contents of the first bottle into the atomizer, which he handed to Meghan. He then made himself comfortable by balancing the chair on its rear legs and leaning back against the wall. Two squirts behind each ear, he instructed coldly.

    There was nothing scientific, or hesitant, about Rat that afternoon. He'd squirt her with the vomiter, wait until she had recovered, and squirt again. The only thing he said during this stage was, You've been pretending to be too tired from the vomiter to work. You've been dogging it for two months.

    When the vomiter was gone, he shifted to the convulser. Now, the interrogation began. The cot in the storeroom was unnecessary. You used it as an excuse to be above the air vent so that you could eavesdrop on my business.

    ....

    I could hear your conversation with the courier. That means you could hear my conversation with the bank inspector. He leaned forward to position the atomizer in front of her face, but was momentarily balked by her trembling hand trying to push it away.

    No, I was… getting Firewall's package… ready.

    ...

    What did you hear the bank inspector say? He aimed the atomizer.

    Nothing … took all my time to prepare … the package.

    Rat put the atomizer in front of her face and waited.

    Heard nothing… I wanted to listen… not enough time…

    ...

    What did you hear the bank inspector say?

    Nothing… I was at… my desk. She raised her face so that the mist would strike her squarely and waited.

    I know you've been eavesdropping. What have you heard?

    Just the SSEC problems.

    Rat leaned over, pinched her nostrils, and jammed the atomizer nozzle in her mouth. He waited until she was almost asphyxiated, before letting her breathe.

    Firewall … he brought you that computer woman… she's hidden somewhere… that's all I know.

    Rat stomped her in the abdomen to remind her that nobody sneaks up on The Rat.

    # # # # # # # #

    Paula: I am going summarize so that we all know what decisions we've made here. First, Winnie will be in charge of developing the plan to push Rat to Earth. To help Arthur feel better about her safety, she will program the hornocratic camera network so that she'll always be able to find where Rat is immediately. She will set up a surveillance system inside Rat's cave. Some time in the next couple of days, Rat will try to take her back to his cave. Winnie already has a plan for that. Did I remember everything, Winnie?

    Winnie: Yes, but don't forget that I need Wilizy drones for Rat's cave.

    Paula: Right. That takes me to my duties. I will coordinate our meetings and serve as an information conduit to Earth and to Heaven. As part of that, I will find your carton of drones on the upper shelf of your bedroom and bring them to Hell. Arthur is in charge of de-stabilizing Rat and Firewall even further. Starting soon, right Arthur?

    Arthur: Yes. First, I have to find Firewall.

    Winnie: I'll set up a software program to track Firewall.

    Paula: I believe that's it. Any one of us can call a meeting for planning or for de-stressing here in this dead zone. Wait. I keep forgetting to ask you this. Winnie, who did Lucas marry? Lylah or Lohla?

    Winnie: He married both of them but in separate ceremonies. He was looking very tired the last time I saw him.

    Paula: And so he should.

    Arthur: I don't get it.

    # # # # # # # #

    Meghan regained consciousness to find herself alone in the hobby room. A pail of green bean soup and a mop were by the door. Every muscle protested as she crawled to the door and used the mop handle to haul herself erect. Hunched over by the pain in her abdomen, she started washing the vomit off the vinyl-covered padding.

    Rat came to get her shortly after 5 pm - his hands empty. He handed her a clean smock and smirked as she struggled to raise her arms high enough to slip it on. Turning on his heel, he crossed the hallway and entered the workroom. Meghan followed behind.

    I plan to open Hell's first Rat*Mart outlet in three months. You're going to ensure that we meet that deadline. This is your workstation. Sit here!

    Meghan hobbled over to the computer chair and eased into its soft, gentle embrace. A computer-generated picture was propped up against her monitor. The picture was a screen shot from a hornographic camera with its twelve-digit location ID bannered across the top. She froze for a second and then looked up at the yellow grin of her master.

    I've shown you this before. Remember what I can do if I become unhappy with you. I can't afford to have you wasting hours of productive time in the evenings so I've discontinued your testing of the vomiter. That camera will monitor everything you do. A ladder, a power drill sitting in a mess of wood shavings on the floor, and a lopsided camera high on the wall by the door revealed what Rat had been doing while she had been unconscious.

    By necessity, you will be intimately involved in the inner workings of Rat*Mart. Its success will depend, in part, on you. I won't have you jeopardizing Rat*Mart with laziness or with any other passive resistance tactics. You will work to the fullest of your capabilities or the person in that picture will feel the brunt of my displeasure. Meghan glanced at the picture leaning against her monitor and nodded.

    Rat frisbeed a clipboard at her. The top two sheets list your tasks for today.

    Meghan picked up the hornographic camera picture, folded it in two, and placed it under a bundle of paperwork. Only then did she look at the clipboard.

    Back to the Table of Contents

    Chapter 3

    While events in the underworld are developing, let's take a look at what's happening in the Wilizy cadet camp in Montana.

    To remind you of the events after the battle with The Demented was over, Mac, Nary and Sheila was now the cadet camp. Lina Langevin was in the women's prison. Stook and Stu extracted six women from the prison who we have referred to as The Innocents. Stook and Sheila disappeared for a couple of days into Akilah's clinic which she had transformed into a honeymoon suite, complete with a sign on the outside door proclaiming Clinic closed until further notice.

    As to the six Innocents that Stook and Stu brought to camp, they were met by five other Innocents who had witnessed the battle with The Demented and had been brought back to the camp in the transport copter carrying the cadets. The cadets erected a small tent city for them where they could stay until the Sacramento election was over. Mac and Nary gave them a guided tour of the camp, such as it was. For the next couple of days, Nary kept them busy watching the cadets train and going for local excursions. When their time permitted, Lylah and Lohla participated as well. Naturally, The Innocents talked among themselves and those who had been slated to be human explosives shared what they had seen during the battle.

    # # # # # # # #

    You've all indicated to Hank that you'd be willing to help with the planning for our next operation. I thought that we could use this Saturday to get ourselves up to speed.

    The person speaking was Melissa and she would be the strategist for the Wilizy's next operation, as you would expect. This operation would not be a battle in the military sense of the word, so Mac was not present, leaving her free to mingle with The Innocents. Their next operation would be a battle in a different way.

    Melissa, Stu, Wizard and Dreamer were the planning team. Melissa called on Wizard and Dreamer to report on what they had found in their search for financial evidence of the DCA's involvement in Stook's and Sheila's forced arrest, sham trial, and secret imprisonment.

    Dreamer

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