BOB'S BURGERS "Any Given Brunchday"

Written by Steve Fiorillo

Stevefiorillo@gmail.com 43 Lincolnshire Dr. Manalapan, NJ 07726 (908)415-0614

ACT ONE INT. BOBS BURGERS - DAY BOB, TEDDY, and MORTs eyes are glued to the football game on TV. The quarterback takes the ball and runs with it. BOB Go! Go! TEDDY Run, you talented, beautiful man! He scores! The men cheer loudly and high five. BOB What a game! ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Dunnigan is really having an MVP year. We asked him who has shaped him in his life. He said, My dad, God, Jesus, the Lord, my father, and the Holy Father. MORT What an interesting guy. BOB Thats ridiculous. Hes a star player, hes had more inspiration than his dad. TEDDY I dont know, Bobby. A father has a huge influence on a boy. MORT Hes right. My dad was a funeral director. And his dad was a funeral director. And his dad was a baker! But I cant be a baker, dad said. Not when I can do a mans job, dad said. Is following your heart not man enough, dad?! Mort storms out, visibly shaken. TEDDY Huge influence. Youre a father. Think youre raising Gene to be a big man?

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BOB Why wouldnt I? GENE runs in excitedly, keyboard in hand. GENE Dad, I need feedback on my opera! Its eighty minutes long and every fart is a different character. He plays his disgusting music on the keyboard. TEDDY Hes writing fart operas, Bob. BOB Farts are manly, right? TEDDY Not in opera form! LINDA enters. She checks out whats on the TV.

LINDA Ooh, football. Manly! GENE I hate football! The football players at my school are all jerks and they keep talking about tackling and punting. I dont blame the coach for quitting. BOB Wait, your schools coach quit? GENE Yep. Probably because he didnt know what punting was either! Bob looks at the game, then back at Gene. The light bulb above his head on the ceiling suddenly turns on. Idea! BOB Maybe Ill volunteer. You think you can handle the restaurant while Im gone? LINDA Sure. Besides, coaches are sexy. You can be like Bill Belichick! BOB Blech, really?

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LINDA Yes, blech, really. With that disgusting hoodie and that droopy face. Hes like a sexy sloth! TINA and LOUISE enter. TINA Were you guys talking about sexy sloths too? LINDA Your fathers gonna be the new football coach at your school. TINA Football? Football? LOUISE

Louise imagines a vicious hit, with a close up of HELMETS slamming into each other. Tina imagines it too, but with a close up of CROTCHES slamming into each other. BOB Im going to volunteer. TEDDY I dont know if thats a good idea. BOB Why not? I know football. Its just throwing and catching, and integrity! TEDDY Thats not enough. You need the respect and the fear that comes with being a mans man. BOB I run my own business. People here respect me. Louise, mop the floor. LOUISE Never! She spills mop water over the floor, and Gene slides on it. LINDA So graceful! Like a ballerina seal. Bob glares at everyone.

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EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - THE NEXT DAY Bob sets foot on the field with MR. FROND. walk behind him. MR. FROND Best of luck, Bob. And make sure you dont lose the football. We only have one. He leaves. Bob watches several kids throw a football around. BOB This is incredible. powerful. GENE You dont look it! TINA Maybe if I try another angle. (moves slightly) You look a little powerful. BOB What do you think, Gene? Excited to toss the ol pigskin around? GENE No! Im bored and you still havent told me what a punter does! BOB He just, he punts the ball. kicks it away. He I feel so Gene and Tina

GENE Then why is there also a kicker? BOB There just is! (to Tina) What about you? Are you excited, assistant coach? TINA Ill be here for ogling and mild encouragement. You can do it ... that was intense; Im going to try and pull back. They approach the group of players, headed by ZEKE.

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BOB Are you ready for some football? Hell yeah! ZEKE Lets ball this!

BOB Love the enthusiasm. You need that attitude in this game. You gotta want it more! GENE What does that mean? BOB Thats what they always say. The team that wants it more wins. ZEKE What if you want it more, but dont play as well as the other team? BOB Then you need intangibles, I think is the word. Say you have a math test tomorrow. If you want to study, youll study and do better. TINA I dont have time to study for my math test, Im the assistant coach. BOB This will all make sense once we start running some drills. Lets do it! Wheres the QB? JIMMY PESTO (O.S.) Right here! JIMMY PESTO enters with JIMMY JR. Jimmy Pesto wears a shirt that says HUNTINGTON ACADEMY in large font. JIMMY PESTO (CONTD) So youre the new coach here, huh? BOB Yep. I am the head coach of ... whats the teams name? TINA The Wizards.

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BOB Oh my god, really? Why would you name a football team that? TINA It was put to a student vote. It was between that and the Tigers. BOB Why didnt you pick the Tigers? TINA Wizards are more powerful. BOB What do you want, Pesto? JIMMY PESTO Just wanted to wish you good luck next week in your game against Huntington. You know, the private school with a huge amount of money and resources, and an amazing, handsome football coach. Me! BOB You have to be joking. JIMMY PESTO The only joke here is you and my horrible quarterback of a son. BOB That was a terrible thing to say. JIMMY PESTO Its not as terrible as his throwing arm! Haha, friendly trash talk. Best of luck, Bob. Peace! Jimmy struts off the field. BOB I hate him so much. JIMMY JR. Its his version of tough love. Theres just not that much love. BOB Sorry. Get on the field and lets see what you got.

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Jimmy Jr. trots to the field. They run a play, but most of the players fall over each other trying to run routes. Jimmy Jr. chucks it as far as he can; it goes about five feet. ZEKE Wheres the ball? The players search aimlessly for the football. ZEKE (CONTD) Howd we lose the football? BOB Oh no. INT. BOBS BURGERS - DAY The restaurant is empty. As Linda nods off, a loud CRASH wakes her. Its Louise trying to hang a fake skeleton up. LINDA What the heck are you doing? LOUISE Building up tourism. Now people will think a couple died here on their wedding night! She gently places a veil on the skeletons head. LOUISE (CONTD) She was glowing. Was. LINDA Ugh, this is so frickin boring. I could be watching soap operas and horny napping right now! LOUISE Lets spice this place up! We could cover the tables in elk blood, or light a napkin on fire and see how far it spreads! LINDA I cant believe Im doing this just so Bob can be my sexy Belichick. LOUISE Of course you dont like this; it isnt yours! Its Bobs Burgers, not Lindas Lurgers.

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LINDA Id make the best damn lurgers this towns ever seen! LOUISE Then do it! You can make this place whatever you want. Change anything you ever wanted to change. Linda surveys the disgusting, deserted restaurant. LINDA You know what it needs? Class. Bobs too cheap to class this place up. He puts wallpaper on the floor instead of tiling. CUT TO: INT. BOBS BURGERS - FLASHBACK Gene spills ketchup on the floor. They kneel down and rip wallpaper off the floor, revealing wallpaper underneath it. GENE Floral print? How gauche! He rips that wallpaper up to reveal a third layer. TINA So thats where our baby photos went. CUT TO: INT. BOBS BURGERS - PRESENT LOUISE Then class this bitch up! LINDA But how? Hmm ... (gasps) Brunch! So fancy. We can make crepes and play nice music. We can finally use all those champagne bottles upstairs! LOUISE Is that what that is? using it as bleach. Ive been

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LINDA This will be good for you too. Youll get to see how the upper crust lives. And not the kind on sandwiches. Brunch humor, yay! EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY Bob looks flustered at what he sees. Jimmy Jr. throws a weak pass to a receiver who runs away from the ball. JIMMY JR. A for effort, Vince! TINA Such a good role model. And potentially good actual model. BOB Theyre terrible. They dont know anything! I told Craig to tackle and he said How? Gene runs up to them wearing a terrible wizard costume. GENE I found the mascot costume! Do you think if I keep it on Ill gain its powers or turn into Rupert Grint? TINA You mean Ron Weasley? GENE Of course not. Ron Weasley isnt a real person! Bob blows the whistle, defeated. BOB Alright, its not time for you guys to leave yet but I can not keep watching this today. Zeke, pumped up, slams his helmet down and sprints to the sideline. ZEKE Woo, adrenaline rush! Its pumping through my veins! I gotta push something. Come here, fatty.

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He runs over to Gene and shoves him as hard as he can. Gene doesnt budge. The hell? ZEKE (CONTD) Move, ya big flesh blob!

But

He shoves Gene again but he is motionless. He tries pushing him again, and Gene actually leans forward instead somehow. BOB Wait, Gene, you dont feel that? GENE I guess not. Finally, Im as numb physically as I am emotionally! BOB Gene, push him back. GENE Promoting violence? role model are you? BOB Just push him! Gene shoves Zeke as hard as he can, and Zeke topples over. Gene runs screaming in celebration. Whoa. BOB (CONTD) When did Gene get that fast? What kind of Besides cool?

TINA He really is a wizard. BOB Okay, everyone back on the field! We have work to do. Gene, lets get you a uniform. GENE Can I wear the wizard outfit? BOB Of course not. END OF ACT ONE

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ACT TWO INT. BELCHER KITCHEN - MORNING Linda cooks breakfast for the kids. Bob enters, excited. We

BOB Cant wait for practice today. have an athlete in the family!

LINDA Tina can play football? I knew it! Shes got a punters leg. BOB What? No. Gene. Hes the star of the defense. Hes an unstoppable force and an immovable object. Exciting! LINDA I got something for you!

She pulls out an old, worn out hoodie. LINDA (CONTD) Its a new coaching hoodie. BOB Thats new? LINDA I rolled it around in a little dirt to give it character. BOB Its disgusting. LINDA Sexy disgusting. LOUISE Sexgusting! GENE Grossexual! TINA Dissecting. Wait ...

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EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - AFTERNOON At practice, the team plays marginally better this time. Gene, though, is a football wizard, partly due to the wizards hat on his helmet. He plows through and knocks Jimmy Jr. to the ground. On the opposite sideline, the cheerleaders watch Gene play. BOB Gene, try not to kill our QB. Save that for the other teams QB. Everyone else, just try your best. Gotta play like a team to win. ZEKE I might have a concussion, but youre making less and less sense. Murmurs of agreement stem from the other players. JIMMY JR. And you keep giving your son special treatment, like hes the star or something. BOB He is the star. Inarguably he is the star of this team. More murmurs from the players. They dont have an argument.

BOB (CONTD) Lets run that play again. They run another play. Gene bursts through and Jimmy Jr. just runs the other way screaming. Bob turns to Tina. BOB (CONTD) I figured we might have a chance with Gene on the team, but these other players need to step up too. They keep screwing everything up! JIMMY PESTO (O.S.) Thats because youre their coach! Bob, startled, turns around to see Jimmy behind him. BOB God dammit Jimmy, trash talk the front of me! What do you want?

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JIMMY PESTO I have to bring Jr. to father-son jazzercise. Its how we bond. Jimmy, get the hell over here. Stop with your loser teams practice now or no dessert today or dinner tomorrow! BOB You shouldnt talk to your ... He trails off as he notices Jimmy Jr. obediently follows his father off the field without hesitation. BOB (CONTD) ... kid like that ... EXT. HUNTINGTON ACADEMY - LATER A large football field with an enormous number of seats and a large Jumbotron. Bob and Tina spy on the practice. BOB What does Jimmy Pesto have that makes him such a good leader, besides his giant chin? JIMMY PESTO All right, Z-formation, now! go, lets go! Lets Bob is

The Huntington team immediately gets into formation. stunned. TINA Oh, they use a 4-3 defense instead of a 3-4 so that they can get a better pass rush from the defensive line. They must have fast defensive ends. Wait, how did I know that?

The team runs a very successful passing play, nearly scoring a practice touchdown. Jimmy remains stone-faced. JIMMY PESTO Is that the best you turds got? Run it again! And it better be a touchdown this time! They run the play again. This time they score the touchdown.

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TINA Oh, so the third receiver runs the slant route to trick the safeties, leaving the other receivers open. Oh no, I understand football now. JIMMY PESTO Take a knee! The team takes a knee to listen to their coach. JIMMY PESTO (CONTD) That kind of good to great play is unacceptable. We need to win 1500! I wanna see Bob Belcher cry while hes crapping his pants. We have to win so hard that some of you might too! Is that clear? TEAM Sir yes sir! BOB Hes a huge douche of a leader. need to be like that. I

TINA All he did was humiliate his team in a confusingly attractive way. BOB Gross. But his players respond to him. If I ever want to be taken seriously, I cant just be a coach. I have to be a man. Its time to get angry INT. SCHOOL - THE NEXT DAY Gene closes his locker and sees three CHEERLEADERS standing. CHEERLEADER 1 Hey Gene. Awkward silence. Gene is confused as they just stare at him.

GENE Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have a pimple on top of another pimple again?

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Haha!

CHEERLEADER 2 Youre so funny, Gene. GENE Why are you just noticing

I know! it now?

CHEERLEADER 3 Because youre the star of the football team now, silly! That makes you attractive. CHEERLEADER 1 Tell us boring stories about yourself so we can giggle at them! GENE Wait, being a football player makes you popular? I didnt know that! I love sports! Goodbye, books! He throws his backpack across the hallway, knocking another STUDENT over. Oops! GENE (CONTD) Sorry. STUDENT Good luck this weekend!

Its okay!

EXT. BOBS BURGERS - AFTERNOON The Bobs Burgers logo has been covered up by Linda. Replacing it is a sign that says Mimosa in a fancy font. There is an accent over the first m, the o, and the s. INT. BOBS BURGERS Lindas new brunch place is doing pretty well. Upper class women eat brunch and sip their drinks. Linda beams. LINDA Its all Ive ever dreamed of. Louise enters, back from school. LINDA (CONTD) Welcome to Mimosa, Louise! You like the new sign? Nothings fancier than foreign words!

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LOUISE Mimosa isnt a foreign word. LINDA I made this everything I wanted. Theres even paintings of museums! LOUISE Exciting! Have you noticed a ... recurring theme in the customers? She gestures to the tables. At each table, attractive middleaged women dine with much younger men. LINDA This is probably the new style. Trophy husbands! So progressive. LOUISE So progressive. Id love to stay and chat but I ate three hot dogs for lunch on a dare, so our toilet is cruisin for a number twosin. She heads for the bathroom and opens the door, only to find a WOMAN in the throes of passion with her POOL BOY. They gasp in shock and horror, though Louise doesnt really react. WOMAN Weve been caught! LOUISE You always lock the bathroom door, no matter what youre doing. WOMAN Please dont tell my husband! POOL BOY Ill give you twenty bucks to not tell anyone! Louise thinks on it, and a conniving smile crosses her face. LOUISE For fifty, Ill tell you where you wont get caught next time. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - AFTERNOON The players, standing around, are stunned by the loud sound of a WHISTLE that Bob blows as he walks onto the field.

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BOB What the hell?! Im here for fifteen seconds and youre not practicing? Is this amateur hour?! The players mumble to themselves, shocked. BOB (CONTD) Lets go! Get into formation and practice the crap out of some crap damn football! He blows that whistle hard, and they immediately line into formation. Jimmy Jr. gets the ball and throws a terrible pass. Bob blows the whistle. BOB (CONTD) What are you doing? You throw like you dont have hands! Do you not have hands, Jimmy? Run it again! They run the play. Jimmy Jr. holds onto the ball, panicked.

BOB (CONTD) Throw the damn ball! JIMMY JR. Im sorry, dad! He throws the ball, and its surprisingly a better throw. Another player catches it before getting tackled. Bob blows his whistle in celebration as Tina stands beside him. BOB I did it! TINA You did it. Did what? BOB I made the team better! TINA Why are you yelling at me? BOB Because it works! Im yelling at everyone! I made this team better! TINA Im proud of you, dad. Okay guys, line up in shotgun formation!

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She takes a pencil from behind her ear and jots in her book. They run the play, but Gene is barely doing anything. Jimmy Jr. throws the ball to a receiver, and Gene doesnt notice. BOB Gene, what the hell are you doing? Gene, distracted, doesnt hear him, and the receiver runs for a touchdown. Bob blows his whistle and runs over to Gene. BOB (CONTD) Gene, you were supposed to tackle him! What were you thinking? GENE I was thinking of a good celebration dance. It combines breakdance and ballet, and its set to Pump Up the Jam! BOB I dont care about your dumb dance! Get your head in the game! Real men dont care about celebrating, they care about winning! Bob storms off. Gene looks to the other sideline, where the cheerleaders gossip and glare at Gene. CHEERLEADER 1 We cant like you if you suck. CHEERLEADER 3 That play made me remember how much I hate your face! GENE Aah! My popularity, I can feel it fading! Come back! Bob blows on the whistle. BOB Run it again! INT. BELCHER HALLWAY - AFTERNOON A new WOMAN and her MAN giggle through the hall. They stop and gasp as they see Louise staring at them, arms folded. LOUISE I know what youre trying to do. The players cover their ears.

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They look at her with guilt and shame, until she slowly smiles and opens the doors to Gene and Tinas rooms. LOUISE (CONTD) Fifty dollars for the music room, seventy-five dollars for the horse room, and for one hundred and twenty-five dollars, you get the king suite. She opens the door to her parents room, which she has decorated to look sexier. And so begins a MONTAGE! EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD The teams play is improving steadily. Both sides play well and cheer for themselves, but Bob isnt impressed. WHISTLE. BOB Harder! INT. BELCHER HALLWAY Louise waits outside her parents room. out happily and gives her the money. A new couple walks

LOUISE (to woman) Tell all your friends. (to man) Tell all your friends that are also pool boys. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD Jimmy Jr. makes a nice throw and high fives Zeke. BOB Better! INT. BOBS BURGERS Louise walks over to a table where two people have just left. She sees the inordinately large tip theyve left her. They wink at her, and she winks back. WHISTLE.

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EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD Gene sacks Jimmy Jr. and looks to his dad in hopes of encouragement. He is instead greeted by the WHISTLE. BOB Faster! INT. TINAS ROOM Louise puts new, fresh sheets on Tinas bed. and smiles. LOUISE Smells like money. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD Another good play from the team. BOB Stronger! Another play. WHISTLE. WHISTLE. WHISTLE. Gene joins in. WHISTLE. She sniffs them

At some point Bob isnt even screaming words. BOB (CONTD) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! GENE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! End montage. INT. BOBS BURGERS - AFTERNOON

The place is filled exclusively with upper class women and their boy toys. Linda sighs happily. CYNTHIA walks over. CYNTHIA Linda, this place is fantastic. LINDA Thank you so much, Cynthia! CYNTHIA I really love this whole operation, if you catch my drift.

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LINDA Yeah, you love the restaurant! CYNTHIA Oh, I love it. Every time I come here I just get stuffed, if you know what I mean. LINDA Yeah, you had some french toast. Glad you like it! CYNTHIA The foods fine. But I love the-A loud KICK is heard, and Cynthia topples to the ground. Louise pops up. LINDA Isnt it all so wonderful, Louise? Dont you just love it? LOUISE More than you realize. LINDA This could be you one day, sweetie! Having enough money to never work and putting alcohol in drinks just because! Wouldnt you like that? LOUISE I sure would, because that is the only thing theyre doing when they come here. Remember that. Cynthia weakly gets up and limps out. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - AFTERNOON The players pant, exhausted. BOB Whats the hold up? GENE I feel sick. It feels like Im constipated but Ive gone five times today! Bob storms onto the field.

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JIMMY JR. Youre working us really hard, Coach Belcher. Were trying and were getting better. BOB Were not trying to get better, were trying to get best! Bester! The players groan wearily. ZEKE We done did everything you asked us to do and youre still yellin. GENE Yeah, shouldnt there be a reward? Like cash, or a Nestle Wonder Ball? The team murmurs in agreement. BOB (V.O.) Youre losing them. Be a man! BOB Oh, you want rewards? Or do you want to be men and fight because you want to fight? You gotta want blood! Were not just wizards, we have to be warriors! Knock a player out of the game, maybe then youll get a reward. The teams murmurs suddenly perk up. ZEKE Youd give us stuff for hittin the other guys? BOB I ... why, would that make you guys play harder? The team cheers the idea on, and Bob latches onto it. BOB (CONTD) Alright! Ten bucks for a knee injury, twenty for a head injury! ZEKE What if you knock the QB out?

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BOB Fifty dollars, and free burgers for a month! GENE And people will love me forever! The team cheers, and Bob beams. He is finally the leader.

TINA Dad, are you really putting in a bounty system? BOB If that means Im putting in an awesome system where my guys love me and kick ass then hell yeah! He joins in on the cheers, but Gene cheers louder than everyone else. END OF ACT TWO

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ACT THREE INT. LOCKER ROOM - EVENING The night of the big game. Bob enters, and the players all take a knee. Its like a scene from Friday Night Lights. BOB This is it, boys. This right here is everything weve been waiting for. You worked hard. Youre gonna play harder. You will all make Jimmy Pesto regret ever having such a stupid dumb face. And youre going to beat in all of his players equally stupid dumb faces. (cheers) This is a war. You have to hit and kick and punch your way to victory. I dont want to see anything on that field but guts, and other players teeth. GENE What about chunks of their hair? BOB That probably wont injure them, but if it motivates you! Now were gonna go out there! And what are we gonna do? TEAM (Gene the loudest) Kick their ass! ZEKE Lets tear them limb from limb, and then beat them with their limbs! BOB Thats right! GENE We are Green Day and were taking them to the boulevard of broken dreams! Aah Im having so many emotions! He punches a locker as Tina enters and hands Bob a playbook.

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TINA I hope you all memorized the new playbook I wrote up. BOB Oh my God, Tina, this is amazing. I cant even yell at you. TINA I horny napped through some game tape and woke up with ideas. INT. BELCHER HALLWAY - EVENING Linda walks down the hallway in a rush. LINDA Louise, are you ready? We gotta close up and get to the game. (Louise exits her room) There you are! Hold on a second, I forgot my purse. She opens up her bedroom door and shrieks; Cynthia and a pool boy are naked on her bed. Louise sees and shakes her head. LOUISE Guys, I said to be out by six. Sex cant take that long, am I right? She goes for a high five with Linda, who is fuming. Oh right. LOUISE (CONTD) Trouble.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - EVENING The big game! A sold out crowd cheers on the team as they take the field. Gene surveys the crowd; its littered with signs that have his name. He smiles and gets ready. Huntington has the ball. The QB gets it and is quickly TACKLED to the ground by Gene. Gene pops back up but the QB is slower. QB Aah ... my knee ...

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GENE No complaining! other one!

You still have the CUT TO:

The offense is now on the field. Jimmy Jr. throws the ball and a receiver catches it, PUNCHES a defender in the chest, and runs it in for a touchdown. The crowd goes wild! BOB Up yours, Pesto! The offense runs off the field. Tina comes up to Jimmy Jr., but doesnt pat him on the butt so much as rest her hand on it and keep it there. TINA Good job, Jimmy Jr. JIMMY JR. Um, thanks ... (time passes) Your hand is still there. TINA Has it been too long? JIMMY JR. I dont actually know. They remain motionless. CUT TO: Defense is back on the field. Hit them! The ball is snapped.

BOB All of them!

Defensive players violently push the other team down, and even run on top of them to get to the quarterback. The crowd loves it and cheers even louder, but Bobs excitement fades. Wow. BOB (CONTD) Thats really violent.

The QB gets hit by two defenders, sending his helmet flying. QB My other knee ...

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GENE Now you can complain! CUT TO: Bobs players continue to pummel the other team. Bodies slam and bones crunch. The crowd CHEERS as loudly as they can, but Bob looks more horrified. Another play. Gene hits the QB, lifts him up over his shoulders, and SLAMS him onto the ground. The crowd chants his name, and he takes his helmet off in acknowledgement. GENE (CONTD) Yes! Love me! Love me in a way that I can never truly love myself! He does his planned dance, a combination of breakdance and ballet. The stadium blares Pump Up the Jam. It is awkward and poorly coordinated. The QB still lies on the ground. Bob rubs his temples. Tina walks over to him. Were winning.

TINA Dad, whats wrong?

BOB This isnt what I wanted to see. TINA But its exactly what you told them to do. BOB I thought this would make me a man and a leader and help us win. Well it is helping us win. But its not fun. Im just watching kids get hurt. Who wants to see that? The crowd cheers Gene on as he gets yet another sack. Suddenly, a WHISTLE blows. The referee signals that its halftime. The players march off the field. Linda and Louise are in the stands. but Louise is ecstatic. LOUISE That was amazing. LINDA Oh, put a sock in it! mad at you. Im still Linda is still fuming,

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LOUISE What, for helping your business? LINDA You did not help my business! LOUISE Without me, youre nothing! hear me? Nothing! You

LINDA What do you think people really want, french toast, or sex in my bed? Ugh, I cant believe other people had sex in my bed! LOUISE Not all the time! Sometimes I let them use the shower, or the rug. Ugh! LINDA I walk on that!

INT. LOCKER ROOM - LATER The players are all pumped up, high fiving and jumping around. Bob, on the other hand, looks more worried. BOB Hey guys. Youre playing some great ball, and you have definitely injured a few players. GENE Twelve! BOB Yes, twelve. I owe you guys more money than I thought. But heres a new game plan for the second half: maybe calm down a little bit. ZEKE Cant hear you! Theres too much adrenaline! Its in my ears! He screams, and the rest of the team screams with him. BOB Someones going to die tonight.

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EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER The second half starts, and its even more violent. Players step on opposing players even though theyre standing up. Helmets slam into helmets. Limbs are bent in ways that limbs should not bend. BOB This is madness! TINA Its gone from sexy violence to psychopathic, still slightly sexy violence. The ball is snapped. Gene conks two linemens heads together and slams the QB to the ground, before dragging him several yards down the field in celebration. BOB I cant take this anymore. He calls a time out, and the ref blows the whistle. BOB (CONTD) Gene, get off the field. What? GENE Why?!

BOB This is getting out of control! GENE I know, its great! Its like UFC but I can respect it! BOB Gene, theres a four foot streak of blood on the field. This is insane. We have to stop this. GENE Why? This is what you wanted. Everyone loves it! BOB Yes, but-GENE You said it yourself! Were fighting because were men and we want to fight!

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BOB Well that was dumb, and I shouldnt have said that. You cant let other people tell you what it means to be a man. Other people are terrible. He gestures to the crowd, which is cheering for more blood. BOB (CONTD) I thought I knew what being a man meant, but Im an idiot. Just be who you want to be, stop caring about what idiots think, and for the love the god, stop trying to kill their QB. Gene looks to the crowd, then to his father, then to the QB twitching on the ground. He removes his helmet and jogs off. Bob meets him halfway and they hug. The crowd boos mercilessly as they walk off the field together. Linda, though, is touched. LINDA Aww! Why cant you and I have a father/son moment like that? LOUISE Were not father and son. Linda glares at her. Louise sighs.

LOUISE (CONTD) Fine. Im sorry I turned your brunch dream into a sex shack for rich people. LINDA I just wanted us to schmooze with the upper crust. I never got to be a rich lady. I thought maybe if you saw it for yourself you could want that life, and live my dream. LOUISE Mom, dont you see? I dealt with the upper class firsthand. The lying, the corruption, the bribery. Its everything Ive ever wanted! I never would have known if it werent for you.

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LINDA Aww, my baby! They hug. Gene and Bob head to the locker room together as the crowd continues to boo. TINA Wait, if they just walk off the field, that means we-INT. BOBS BURGERS - THE NEXT DAY The place is now Bobs Burgers again. as well as Jimmy Pesto. --lose! JIMMY PESTO You lost, Bob! It was a forfeit. The family is there,

BOB I didnt lose.

JIMMY PESTO And it goes in the records as a big fat loss! BOB I dont care. Jimmy goes to leave. BOB (CONTD) Im not jealous of your win! (Jimmy leaves) God, Im so jealous of his win. Linda enters. LINDA Ah, who cares about him and those damn private school kids and their disgusting parents. BOB Where were you? LINDA Laundry room. Washing the sheets. BOB Youve washed them like six times.

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LINDA And theyll never be clean enough. But Ill keep trying! Outside, the cheerleaders pass by. Gene watches them take a sign with his name on it and rip it up. BOB Hey, sorry your popularity didnt last too long. GENE Its okay. It was overwhelming. Guys kept asking me to join their fantasy league. I was almost a guy whos really into fantasy football! EVERYONE Ugh! LINDA Well, youre both big men in my book. It takes guts to make a speech like that in front of a thousand sociopaths! GENE Guess you learned what it means to be a man after all! LOUISE Being a man is okay, but being a pool boy is the real dream. Be a pool boy, dad! BOB No. LOUISE Build us a pool, pool boy! END OF EPISODE