Play with your food; to add effect, act like it's a special performance for the people at the

next table. Turn around every thirty-seven seconds to the people at the next table and ask t hem if your seat is too close, if you're talking too loud, etc. Whenever you see someone getting up and leaving, bolt to their table and take th e tip before the wait-person returns. Eat REALLY loud; make disgusting noises; slurp EVERY time you take a sip of your drink. Constantly re-adjust the positions of absolutely EVERYTHING at your table; seats , silverware, dishes, the table itself; and make sure to make a big production o ut of it. Order something on the menu, preferably something very specific, then when it co mes, claim it's wrong and you ordered something simple. Make a big production ab out the ineptitude of the help. If shells are on the menu, order them and take them home. Come in the next day a nd say, "Those shells you sold me jammed up my shotgun! I want my money back!" As soon as someone at a nearby table gets up, jump into their seat immediately, and claim you've been there the whole night. This is especially great when the o thers at that table are in on it. Whenever anyone leaves their seat at another table, put some particularly messy peice of food on their seat. Two Words: Food Fight. Poke the person next to you repeatedly with your fork. If they try to retaliate, curl into a ball and start crying for your mother. This only works if the person has their back to you. Select a single strand of h air from the person's head and pull gently. When they reach up to touch their ha ir or try to turn around, look at the ceiling or pretend to read the menu. Repea t constantly. Tap your fingernails on the table top, ignoring any evil stares that come your w ay. (This works anywhere, not just restaurants.) Hug yourself and rock backwards and forwards in your seat whilst muttering incoh erantly. This will not only completely embarrass those at your table, it is also extremely annoying. Help yourself to other people's meals. If they complain, pretend to stick your f ingers down your throat and ask them if they'd like their food back.