HelpingChildrenCopewithMoving

Whenmovingfromonecommunitytoanotherbothadultsandchildrenprogressthroughvestages oftransi on.Whilstsomechildrenseemtocruisethroughthestageswithnoproblem,otherswill struggletomakethechangeandwillneedsupport.

StageOne
The child and her family belong to a community and feel se led. They know where they t in and they know how everything works. Some kind of social network exists in the form of family or friends and the world feels familiar andsecure.

StageTwo
In this stage the child learns that he is leaving and will naturally start to back away from rela onships. This can cause anger and frustra on not only in others but also in the child as they sense the distance begin to grow in important friendships. As friends and family start to make plans that dont include them, the child can feel like an outsider resul ng in feelings of rejec on and anger. Childrenmayalsodenyanyfeelingsofsadnessorgriefand focus only on the exci ng new things they will see and do intheirnewhome. The next stage involves physically leaving one place and arriving at your des na on. This stage is typically full of chaosaseveryonestrugglestolearnhoweverythingworks inthisnewplace.Childrensuddenlyloseabigpartoftheir support network and the comfort that it brought. They have not yet formed a new network and they dont know wheretheytinorwhattheyshoulddo.Theyfeelfearful, anxious,excited,andconfused. This sense of chaos and confusion will make children more selfcentred than usual. They may become overly worried about li le things, or old fears that you thought were long gone (e.g. of the dark) may resurface. Problems that arentnormallyabigdealareexaggeratedandthesmallest thingcancauseamajormeltdown. It is very normal for children to spend all of their coping resources on ge ng through the school day and to become a screaming mess the moment they see Mum or Dad. Unfortunately parents are also feeling insecure and uncertain, and so the insecurity of each family member contributes to the chaos for everyone. Family conicts seem to occur for the smallest reason and over issues that neverma eredbefore. A childs self esteem can take a big hit as they suddenly feel like they haveto learn life over prac cally from scratch, and theyhave lostcontrol over what is happening around them. Even with an ini al warm welcome, its not always easy to make close friends as friendship circles are o en well established. Children may feel resen ul of these new challenges and may withdraw if feeling overwhelmed. Your child may not have the words to express this or the insight to even understand their own feelings. Instead these feelings will be expressed through behaviour. Your child may become veryfragile,burs ngintotearswhenevertheslightestthing goes wrong. You may see lots of tantrums, deance, or physical aggression. You may start to wonder if things will ever return to normal.

StageThree

HelpingChildrenCopewithMoving
StageFour
In the fourth stage life is no longer chao c. You recognise someone at the grocery store or drive across town without ge ng lost. Your child is feeling the same way. They know wheretogoforart,theyhavefriendstoplaywithatlunch,etc. Although they s ll feel vulnerable and tenta ve they are be comingapartofthisnewcommunity. This brings another set of worries: Will I t in? Will other children like me? What if I do or say the wrong thing?. You may see your child deal with these fears through an exaggera on of her normal personality traits, for example children who are naturally shy and introverted may become more so, whilst normally gregarious or outgoing children may becomeloud,overbearing,andaggressive.Childrenwills llbe uctua ng between feelings of homesickness and the excite mentofnewdiscoveries.

HelpingYourChildAdjust
Empathise, empathise, empathise. Nothing is more se ling for a child than knowing her parents understand what she is going through. This is especially so because o en children cant make sense of why they are feeling so badandtheyneedanadulttoexplainit. Con nually remind your child that she has gone through a huge change and it will take me to get used to it. Give her lots of praise for anything she has managed well and let her know how brave and strong she is for going to a new school and making new friends. Finally, reinforce to yourchildthateveryone(evenadults)feelssad,angry,and redwhentheymovetoanewcountry.Thesefeelingsare verynormal. Pa ence Remind yourself constantly that your childs dicult behaviour is a reec on of this enormous change and will not last forever. Whilst there is no set rule for how quickly children adjust, most children seem to take about a term to start to se le down and get back to their normalselves. Pick your ba les during this dicult me. You may need to let some things slide for a li le while and just focus on those behaviours that are causing the most problems in the family. Set up a star chart to target specic behaviours. Help your child establish a new social network by encouraging play dates, a ending birthday par es, making friends with other parents who have children the same age,andge nginvolvedwiththeschoolorspor ngclubs.

StageFive
The last stage involves acceptance of the new place and com munity. Once again the child feels a sense of security and belonging.Hehasagreatersenseofcompetenceandhisself esteem has recovered. He is much more able to cope with smallsetbacksandthechallengingbehavioursofearlierstag esresolve.

Most importantly, look a er yourselves. If Mum and Dad arecopingthenthechildrenwillgenerallyfollowsuit.

Lia Gould Clinical Psychologist School Counsellor AIS