Intuitive Sex

The Subtle Art of No-Pressure Seduction

by Andrew Levitt-Jackson

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, used in a spreadsheet, or transmitted in any form or by meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwisewithout the permission of Fretful Stir Publications, LLC. Copyright 2002 Fretful Stir Publications, LLC Fretful Stir Publications, LLC P.O. Box 1402 New York City, NY 10163

Introduction
Finding, meeting and falling in love with a woman may seem a matter of out-ofcontrol circumstancessomething that only comes easily to those with extreme luck or extreme good looks (or both). This is not necessarily true.

Meeting a woman and getting her phone number may seem a matter of extreme skill, as though there are men out there who know exactly what to say and do in order to trigger attraction in a woman. This is certainly not true.

Let me be more specific. In this guide, I outline a sure way any man can find a woman to be with. If you think you've already found that woman, this guide will teach you how you can become more than just her friend. (If you already have someone in mind whom you want to seduce, please do not skip to the later chapters about seduction. You need to read the chapters about how to meet people so you know whether or not your plans for seduction will be successful.)

The premise is simple: Your own brain knows a lot more than you think it does. This guide will teach you how to tap into the natural intuition we were all born with, so your gut will act like a divining rod, pointing you only in the direction of women you want to be with and who will say "yes" to you.

You will learn how to expand your dating sphere so you don't have to waste your time in noisy and intimidating singles environments, and how to structure your life so that your intuition will lead you to the best pool of women to pick from.

Once you know how to zero in on the right woman, you will learn how to get yourself into her life without having to "break the ice," and without her knowing that you

are trying to seduce her. While you're spending time with her, you will begin to witness a series of obvious signs which indicate that she is interested. She will become the one who is "auditioning" to be your lover.

And then you will make your move with confidence.

This book is divided into two sections. The first will focus on freeing your intuition so you can find the right woman. The second will focus on how to employ No-Pressure seduction so that you can turn the tables on her.

As you read this guide, I hope you appreciate the uniqueness of its approach. I can't tell you how many women I have spoken with who have told me that the dating world would be a much better place if all men were to read what I am about to share with you. So be excited. You are making a major leap today. And the women who will soon fill your life will be grateful for it.

Part One
The Power of Intuition

Chapter One
The Three-part Brain
Now let me get a little scientific. Bear with me. This will help you:

The human brain is divided into three separate parts. The first part, the reptilian brain, is called that because it is no more evolved than a reptile's brain. It sits at the base of the spine and controls our most basic, animalistic actions: motor functions, erections, facial expressions, certain emotions like rage, lust, being startled and so on.

The second part is the limbic brain. The limbic brain evolved only in mammals. It controls the rest of our emotions (love, nostalgia, etc.), but most importantly, it is our intuition center. This is the most important piece of equipment in our brains when it comes to the dating world. Ironically, it's the most neglected part as well.

The third part, the one that most distinctly sets us apart from the rest of the animal world, is our overdeveloped neocortical brain. Among other things, the neocortex gives us rational, abstract thought and language.

In an oversimplified sense, our limbic brain is our heart (or gut) and our neocortex is our brain (or head). And our reptilian brain is really the little brain women constantly accuse men of thinking with. The conflicts we all have between our heart and our head come from the fact that these two brains evolved at different times, and speak different languages. They communicate between each other very poorly. They are even constructed differently.

For example, there was a time in our evolutionary history when we only had a limbic brain and a reptilian center. Something would happen and we would react with pure instinct. Millions of years later, we evolved a neocortex, but it didn't replace the old

brain, it just moved in next door and did it's best to be a good neighbor. Nowadays, the limbic brain responds to events just like it used to when we were furry and four-legged, but our neocortex stops us and ponders the significance of this event, interprets it, and chooses how we will respond. And often, these brains disagree about how to proceed.

Thus we have the conflict between our head and our heart.

In matters of attraction and love, which should we listen to?

It is often thought that matters of the heart are base or unrefined. Like Freud's Id, they need to be reigned in by the rational power of the mind, or neocortex. But modern science has uncovered that the limbic brain has significant abilities which go far beyond pure emotionality. The limbic brain, or heart, seems to know things without trying to know them.

A very simple example of your limbic brain doing some complicated and intuitive work on its own is the act of crossing the street. You see a car coming, but you know you can still make it across the street. You choose a pace at which to cross, keep your eye on the approaching vehicle, adjust your pace if that vehicle's speed changes, and then cross to the other side.

Let's say that when you get to the other side, a man greets you and asks "how did you know you could cross the street just then?" How will you answer? You will probably say "I saw that I could make it, so I went." You might even get technical and say "judging by the speed at which the approaching vehicle passed a few landmarks I am familiar with, I was able to estimate its approximate speed. I then determined that it would be safe to cross."

Here you have used your logical mind to explain something that happened in your intuitive mind. And this is a perfect example of how little our logical minds know or even can know about the goings on in our intuitive minds. Your intuitive mind drew from millions of past experiences as you stood on the curb and watched the traffic, it calculated the speed of the oncoming vehicle, estimated the speed you would need to travel should you cross, and so on. It did the work of a very sophisticated computer.

But if you tried to use your logical mind (with calculator, pen and paper in hand) in order to cross the street, you would fail miserably. Even a genius in physics couldn't make the calculations fast enough to get you across the street in time.

There have also been many studies which examined the accuracy of intuitive impressions based on facial characteristics. If you take a group of people and have them rate themselves with a simple personality test, and then have a group of strangers view photographs of these people, and then have those strangers rate the personalities of the people in the photographs with the same simple test, you will find that the strangers guesses correlate with a person's self-assessment about a third of the time. That's much higher than any random guessing. Something is going on there. But if you asked these ordinary people why they guessed what they guessed about each photograph, hardly any answers would be alike. The fact is, these people who are guessing a person's personality accurately just by looking at a photograph do not know how they are doing it. Just like we don't really know what's going on in our heads when we're crossing the street.

One more example: A group of researchers once invented a phony weatherprediction system. A subject would watch a series of strange shapes that would flash on a computer screen, and then they would be told what that pattern meant in terms of the

hypothetical weather that was to come.

After viewing this for a while, the subjects were asked to try to predict the weather based on these shapes that would flash on the screen. The program which these researchers devised was incredibly complex but not random. It had a logic to it, just a logic so intricate that it would (again) have taken a sophisticated code-cracking computer to decode it.

However, after being exposed to these patterns only about fifty times, and being asked to guess what the outcome would be, the subjects began to guess the proper weather condition 70% of the time. Then, when they were asked to explain why, they were either at a complete loss or they were completely wrong. And when these people were wrong, their success rates would plummet after they began to consciously apply the rules they assumed governed those predictions.

This is because our logical minds are not super-computers. Our intuitions, however, are.

How do these facts apply to you? Our intuitions are aware of something when we see a face, but when we try to explain it we are using a different part of our brain. We are again suffering from a conflict between our instinct and our logical mind.

This power of your intuitive brain is what will lead you to the right woman. The principle in this guide is simple. You don't employ a technique to get a woman. You don't look for someone who is simply the most attractive woman in a bar, or someone who is "in your league" and then unleash some silly pre-planned pick-up maneuver on her. So what do you do? Read on...

Chapter Two
The Four Levels of Attraction
The first thing you need to learn from this guide is how to tell the difference between your intuitive brain and your logical brain, and why listening to your intuitive brain is so important when it comes to finding a good woman.

Let's start with the why.

There are four layers to human attraction that we're going to focus on in this guide:

1. Universal Appeal 2. Experiential Bias 3. Personal Appeal 4. Biological Connection

Universal Appeal
Men are hard-wired to find basically two things sexually appealing:

1. a clear, symmetrical face 2. a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7

This is the domain of the most primitive area of our brainthe reptilian brain. So men, our inner lizard will find any woman who possesses these things universally attractive to some degree.

Here are some simple examples:

Universally attractive waist-to-hip ratio: Not universally attractive waist-to-hipratio:

Universally attractive clear and symmetrical face:

Asymmetrical, unclear face:

Any man would agree that the images on the left are more universally appealing than the images on the right. But attraction is never this simpleuniversal attraction is only a foot in the door and something most of us are blinded by. Don't let your inner lizard rule your dating life.

Basically, when a woman walks by us with somewhere close to a 0.7 waist-to-hip ratio and a clear and symmetrical face, the most primitive part of our brain is alerted to the fact that she is healthy of body and mind and likely fertile. Our reproductive instincts kick in and we are attracted on a purely reptilian level.

But if you stop here, you could wind up with anyone. Or, more likely, you could approach someone and be rejected. It is vitally important to understand that a very large number of women have the above characteristicsand some are considered more universally appealing than others. But these traits say nothing about their personalities nor do they say anything at all about your compatibility with them.

All men must be fully aware that they are inadvertently aroused all day long by a slew of women who fall into this category. And the more symmetry their body possesses (in other words, add breasts which balance off the hips, perfectly formed and proportioned legs, etc.) the more blinded by these cues men will be. Not to mention the fact that there are cultural preferences that add other elements to universal appeal, further complicating the matterfor instance, blonde hair, blue eyes, large breasts, overt thinness, or a combination of all of the above.

These factors are burned into another part of our brain, but interfere in the same way.

With this guide, you will learn how to be more discerning, so you don't waste your time approaching women who merely satisfy this first type of attraction alone.

If universal attraction is all you are interested in, and compatibility isn't a concern for you, you may think this book won't be so helpful; however, I want you to give the

value of compatibility a second consideration.

Why am I dwelling on compatibility so much? It really has less to do with finding the right person as it does finding the person who won't say no. So even if all you're interested in is a one-night stand, you'll want to use these techniques so you can hone in on the woman who will say yes. Otherwise you will be forced to strike out frequently until you luck out and find someone who will go home with you. Using your intuition will save you a lot of time and even more embarrassment.

Experiential Bias
The concept is simple: Human beings cannot experience things properly without an appropriate frame of context. So in any given situation, we are drawing on our past experiences in order to understand the current one.

As a result, it's no wonder we find ourselves drawn to people who remind us of our biggest heart-break, or attracted to people on television who resemble a painful crush.

Though this type of attraction may feel very emotional, it is only our memory at work, and sometimes our logical mind as well. It is the part of our mind which searches for context in order to experience.

In general, it is probably best to avoid people who remind us of former loves and even to avoid developing types. This is a chaotic world filled with billions of individuals. Once you start oversimplifying and categorizing the people to whom you are attracted, your logical mind will begin interfering with your instincts. Do not trust your attraction to people who resemble your ghosts. That is most likely a ghost issue, not an attraction issue.

Conversely, you may decide for many reasons that you refuse to date women who are taller than you, or who are white or blackor whatever. It is just as important to let go of these negative preconceptions as well.

The "woman of your dreams" may look nothing like you expect her to look, nor anything like the homeroom crush whom you always thought you deserved to marry.

Beware of Ghosts
A number of years ago, I dated a crazy woman with amazing sex-appeal. To make a very long story short, it didn't work out and we had to break up. But the great sex and the intensity of the thing left its mark because our affair ended before any of the passion died down. Since then, I have to watch myself because if I see anyone who looks like her, I am immediately drawn.

A few years after she and I split, I met a much younger woman who resembled that crazy, sexy ex-lover. I had to work with the younger woman on a project, and felt myself incredibly drawn to her. I couldn't get over the resemblancewhen I was around her, I had a really difficult time maintaining my cool.

After a few weeks of working closely with her (and luckily maintaining my cool), I finally noticed that this woman was actually pretty uninteresting, nothing like my crazy ex-, devoutly religious (and even a virgin), and I'm sad to say she was as dumb as sack of hammers. Beyond some of the physical characteristics this younger woman shared with my ex-, there was absolutely nothing about her that interested me.

My brain was playing tricks.

Personal Appeal
Personal appeal is the physiological response we feel when we see a pretty face and yet we feel more than just a simple attraction. It's as far as you can go with a photograph.

A less-than-widely-accepted practice known as Personology has existed since the 1930's. It is the study of the human face as a physical reflection of our personalities.

People who subscribe to this field of study claim that they can detect certain personality traits by examining a person's facial characteristics. They have made quite a science out of it, coming up with corresponding traits for the exact alignment of one's eyes, the shape of the mouth and its distance from the chin, and even the thickness of one's hair.

This may surprise you, but although I believe we can discern things about someone's personality by looking at their face, I do not believe in Personology. To me, Personology requires an over-reliance on the logical minda type of interpretation that can only cloud your intuition, as studies have proven.

In my experience, there is always something intangible and indescribable about one person's draw to another. And as soon as you begin even to describe this feeling, you change it and corrupt it.

Furthermore, there is something all too subjective going on in our brains when we are truly attracted to another person. To imply that there are universal indicators of which we are all aware is a bit like dream interpretationanother "science" I'm skeptical of. I have always wondered, for example, since water is supposed to symbolize life in everyones' dreams, whether it will still represent life even to the aquaphobe who can't swim?

Do you remember the examples of your intuitive brain at work from chapter one? Crossing the street, guessing personality traits from photos, predicting the weatherthese things are all done by using your intuitive brain. And the intuitive brain is precisely the piece of super hardware which will be able to discern that a person you have just seen for the first time is compatible with you, before you have even spent any time together.

How can we tell that this is working? Our brains have been doing it since we were kids. Once you wipe out the influences of universal attraction and experiential bias, what's left is pure, real attractionthe stuff of our intuitive brain.

The fact that you can't put words to the reaction you have when you see someone to whom you are particularly drawn is not important. What is important is that you have this intuitive capability which tells you very important things about your compatibility with others. You don't need to be able to explain anything about a personality by looking at a face, but something in your brain knows when it looks at a woman's face that your personality and her personality might mesh nicely.

At this point we do not understand how or why this happens, but we know that it does, and that's all that will matter to you.

Photo Opportunity
In college, someone wrote an article about me because I had written a play that was being produced by the school's theater club (I fancied myself a playwright at the time). A female student whom I'd never met before had read the article, was attracted to my photograph, and decided that she wanted to meet me. (It should be stated for the record that I'm a pretty average-looking guy. Something about me just made her curious.)

She approached me for conversation at a campus event and we talked about the article and my play. I felt an immediate familiarity with her and was aware

that there was something there. Within the first three minutes of the conversation, we were discussing what we wanted out of life and out of a lover. And within fifteen minutes, I had her phone number and we made plans.

What had happened was she saw something in my face in that photograph which clicked with her. As soon as she approached me, I felt that same click. Without any time spent near each other, we immediately knew that we each wanted to know more about the other.

What's even more exciting than any of this is that it is a one-way process! In other words, you don't need to worry about whether or not a woman will be interested in you. If you are fully in touch with your instincts and you select a woman without bias, you can be assured right from the start that (as long as you don't do anything stupid or crazy), your approach will likely be successfulthat is, if you and she make it to the next layer of attraction...

Biological Connection
Although you may find a person attractive, there also could be something in one of your biological makeups that might prevent you from getting together.

Science points to two biological factors which are vital to this level of attraction: pheromones and a limbic connection. It appears that we need one or both of these things to click if we are to attain a biological connection.

Pheromones
The first is all about baby-making. It is about how our genetic material would match up in a hypothetical attempt to reproduce with this person, which governs this type of biological connection.

Have you ever heard of pheromones? Men give them off and women give them off. They are odorless but when you are in close proximity with a person of the opposite sex, they are processed by the brain through your nose. Each of them carries personal genetic information about you, and when someone's brain receives this information, it determines how successfully your genes will mesh to make a new person. In this case it will give your body a green light or a red light and whatever it is you are feeling, she is feeling it too.

The good news is that men are not auditioning for this alone. Women are as well. Your body will tell you when a woman would make a good genetic match, and that's when you will get most aroused, feel most drawn to a woman, and generally feel the same vibe from her.

A word should be said about those offers for bottled pheromones on the Internet. Do not buy them! The premise itself is very scientifically improbable.

Whose pheromones are they supposedly bottling? If there really were a way to bottle a person's pheromones and wear them, you would be giving off both your and

their genetic information simultaneously. And what good would that do you? It would only give a confusing, mixed genetic message. Would it help if the pheromones belonged to Brad Pitt? Not necessarily. Despite the fact that he's considered universally attractive to most women doesn't say anything about his genetic information.

Everyone gives off pheromones. Let your own do the work they're supposed to do. And don't buy into the notion that some generic, supposed pheromones can trigger a sexual response in a woman. It is simply not true. Pheromones simply carry genetic information and if yours and hers are a good match, it will create a biological connection you will both feel.

Pheromones are not Spanish Fly (and there is no such thing as Spanish Fly either).

Photo Opportunity, Missed

Now, the second part of the above story is that this woman and I only had one date. I mentioned that I was attracted to her, and she to me, and that I felt very comfortable around her, right? That was a personal connection.

But in the end it turned out that an attempt to bring it to another level failed to achieve the same sparks, and

after a few sloppy, awkward kisses it was obvious to me that something was biologically amiss.

Limbic Connection
This is a complicated topic to get into without being too scientific but I will do my best to keep it simple. Our intuitive brains store our memories and carry our emotions. When we are in close proximity to others, our limbic brains will communicate in their own way: through facial expressions, subtle movements and even the alignment of certain body-functions (this type of connection is how women who live in close proximity begin to have the same menstrual cycle).

This type of limbic communication is also why a conversation in person always works better than it does via E-mail, or even the telephone. When you are face to face, you are made aware of certain feelings that your partner has and her emotional responses to the things you are saying. Limbic communication is what is going on when two people are flirting without saying anything flirtatioustalking about the weather but communicating much, much more.

Our personalities leave their marks in the physical structures of our limbic brains, in the form of memories of experiences past. Our strongest experiences form our deepest marks and these strong marks are virtually visible to the intuitions of others by the most subtle behaviors in you.

Sound complicated? Well remember, you've got a super-computer at work that is

figuring all this stuff out for you, and it will alert you once it has made its findings.

For example, why will some be drawn to the same type over and over again, and even pick them out across the proverbial crowded room?

Again, without getting too complicated here, if our face somehow holds the secrets of certain simple personality traits, the limbic brain holds the much more complicated secrets about our personalities. If her face is the cover of a book, her limbic brain is the story inside.

This is still a very fast process. It requires close proximity and a little conversation. You don't need to talk about anything in particular.

You've had this reaction before to new friends as well as lovers. It's the inexplicable stuff that draws one personality to the next, and this happens (believe it or not) on a biological level. This is the feeling you have with another person when you simply "hit it off." You will be cued in to these women first by feeling personal connection. Next, after close proximity and a brief conversation about anything, you will know whether or not there are sparks.

Joan: A Limbic Connection

I've had a recent experience with someone whom I'll refer to as Joan. Many of the experiences I've had with her were text-book. I met Joan while doing freelance

work with a Chicago company. She was applying for a job and I was asked to sit in on the interview. As soon as she walked in, I was immediately attracted to her. An experiential bias, however, interrupted my initial enthusiasm and told me she was taller than I amsomething I don't like to go for. So I blew her off as a potential date.

She got the job and I was working for that Company for months and even got invited to a Christmas party around that time. Joan was there. And I was surprised to discover that she wasn't as tall as I'd thought she was (but really, shame on me anyway for not following my own advice and not letting my preconceptions cloud my radar!)

As she approached me, I knew that I found her attractive (personal connection), but I wasn't sure of anything more. And we stood, eye-to-eye, drinks in hand, and talked about the city, the job and not much else. Within a minute, however, there was something going on between us. Odd things began to turn me onthe exposed nape of her neck, the skin around her shoulder blades and the flush it would get when I

made her laugh. I kept feeling a huge impulse to lean into her, and I couldn't help but notice that she didn't mind me in her space.

It's funny because she and I are very different in a lot of waysshe's more math-minded and I'm very rightbrained. She comes from money. My family was poor. But the conversation didn't stop, the jokes never failed and the more I knew about her, the more I wanted to know and vice versa. It had limbic connection written all over it. I played it very cool, and I emailed her a few days later and asked if she wanted to go out to lunch. Of course she said yes.

Putting it all Together

So why do men always feel like the ones who are auditioning? This has more to do with the way a woman chooses her mates. Women are naturally more selective than men and this hearkens back to the point about men being blinded by universal attraction.

The thing about most women is that they are not so easily aroused. They have much less to distract them than men do. They base their selection primarily on a man's confidence, sense of humor, kindness and success, and then on his physical

attractiveness even if they notice his attractiveness first, which is usually the case. A man can know in a split second that he is attracted to a woman. A woman can know this too, but it affects her less. She will let that go if her primary criteria are not met.

In other words, women are naturally selective. Men must learn to bebecause men have the same mechanisms in their brains which will alert them to positive compatibility.

Your goal is to get past universal attraction and experiential bias, and open yourself up to your intuitive reaction to the personal appeal and the biological connection you feel while spending time with her.

If you have done this, you will find, without question, that the woman you are spending this time with feels the same for you. It's that simple.

Will it lead to marriage? That is not the subject of this book. But this is: Once you make it to layer four, you are not alone.

Exceptions to the Rules

I like her. She doesn't like me.
If this is the case, either one of you has made a mistake in assessing your intuition, or she is a neurotic mess who doesn't understand her feelings.

If you have ever found yourself drawn to someone who felt nothing for you, it is most likely because you were hung up on her universal appeal, or you had an experiential bias, or she had personal appeal but there was no biological connection. A

woman has fewer distractions so she is more in touch with the lacking biological connection than your average man, so this type of relationship is unfortunately common between a man and a woman.

But you will learn how to avoid this.

If she is a neurotic mess, she will be giving you mixed signals. Yes, these are painful, aren't they?

One type of neurotic mess: If she is young and/or inexperienced, she may not have learned the difference between feeling attracted to a man and enjoying the attention a man gives her when he's attracted to her. In other words, some women flirt because they like the attention and really, truly convince themselves that they are attracted to you. These are the hardest to spot, because they believe they are being honest with themselves. Look at her personality in general. Is she immature? Is she often confused about other matters? Experiment with cutting off all the sexual attention you give her. Does she suddenly get flirtatious? When you give her attention again, does she shut down? If these things seem to be the case, I would advise staying away from this person. Your intuition has failed you.

Another type of neurotic mess (the more mature version): She actually does feel the same as you do but denies it for some reason. That's the domain of the neocortex, (specifically, the frontal lobe). Her logical mind, based on some fear she has created, will tell her that you are a big risk for some reason, and despite her feelings she should stay away. The major and significant difference between these types of mixed signals and the former example, is that this woman will not always shut down when you flirt with her. Sometimes she will be swept away and flirt back, other times she will be cold the moment you meet her that day, before any flirtation has occurred.

Joan: A Neurotic Mess

Let me tell you a bit more about Joan. Joan is a textbook mature neurotic. If you do something that scares her, or if she feels something that's maybe a bit too intense for her, she won't tell you what she's feeling. She won't try to work anything out. She's far too narcissistic to want to involve her man in this decision. She'll go off and ponder this stuff all alone, come to the worst possible decision and then announce it one day after you've bugged her about why she's acting like a jerk.

Here's what happened: We went out on a few NoPressure dates, and things got pretty intensethough not physical. She would give me every good signal in this guide, and then the next time I saw her she'd be cool and distant. I tested the waters. I would flirt and not flirt. But sometimes she would welcome and return my flirtation and other times she would be cool to it, and my shutting my flirtation off never seemed to affect her more than making her mildly insecure.

After spending a lot of No-Pressure time together, I

decided to ask her why she was being strange (in fact, I think that night she was being downright rude. If she hadn't been so hot, I wouldn't have been so patient.) It took a whole evening of her evading the conversation before she finally addressed it.

The truth was this: She admitted that she was very attracted to me, but for reasons she couldn't explain, something "in her heart" told her that she shouldn't go for me, that ultimately, I "could not be trusted." When I asked her what she meant by that last comment, she did little to make sense of it. I wondered at first if she had simply started dating another guy and was reluctantly choosing between us with some difficultyalways a possibility. But it turned out not to be so. She's just simply a mess.

Now, she and I both had personal AND biological connection and we both knew it. Really, if I stuck this one out, there would be no way she could avoid eventually hooking up with me. Women are very quick to play the "friends" card. And if you have the patience to accept that and role with it, it will work for you in this

scenario.

But I had to ask myself, do I really want to be with someone this out of touch with her own "heart?"

Your intuition has probably not failed you in this case. She is probably legit, but it will take her a while to realize that you can't run from this kind of connection unless she literally does remove herself from your proximity for good. If you can stand to keep yourself in her life, and be as honest as possible, and not come off as an obsessive suitor or a doormat, she will probably come around eventually. Sit tight. Depending on how neurotic she is, you may be in for a long, strange and painful ride. But if you have done the right work, she will come around.

The Self-Destructive Bias:

I have given this part its own section because it really combines two layers of attraction in a complicated way.

The limbic biological connection I mentioned will sometimes combine nastily with an experiential bias, and you will relive a delusional, one-sided love experience. In other words, you may be drawn to someone for legitimate biological reasons, and she hurts you.

Sometimes these are legitimate attractions which occur on every level, satisfying the requirements I've laid out. But perhaps you fall for this person and she refuses to

give in, though she's attracted to you (the neurotic scenario I mentioned above), or she's a cheat and a liar, etc.

Your brain is trying to get you to learn something here, I'm afraid. You should figure out what that is. My only advice to you is that if you find yourself in a selfdestructive repeating situation, you should probably ditch her, even though she meets the requirements.

I use this as my yardstick: "Am I repeating a scenario in which I will be on the bottom, and she will have all the control?" If the answer is yes, I walk away no matter what I feel. But every situation is different, and you need to come up with your own yardstick.

Breaking Off With the Neurotic Mess

Back to Joan: I decided to call it quits. Like I said, I could have stuck it out and eventually someone you have that kind of legitimate connection with, will give in and sleep with you.

But it wasn't that I didn't have the patiencewhat made me quit was something else entirely.

Do you remember me mentioning my crazy, sexy ex-? Now, she and Joan are nothing alike, which is why I

never saw it coming. But the thing about my crazy exwas that she had this other guy she was seeing, and she would tell me she loved me and we would have incredible sex, but she kept going back to her boring boyfriend. She would cut me off, let me in, cut me off, let me in. Eventually, I had to get out of there.

Something in me must have known that Joan would create a similar atmosphere of simultaneous rejection and acceptance.

It's not that my mind was playing tricks. Joan was the real thing. We had personal connection and biological connection through the roof. But I knew from experience that when I'm involved with a woman who's push-pulling like that, I get crazy. And I am simply unwilling to re-live any old patters which force me to lose my cool. So I stopped calling her and that was the end of Joan and me.

And incidentally, that drove her crazy. But I stood my ground because a neurotic mess is a neurotic mess and a man's got to have his standards.

Chapter Three
Freeing Your Intuition
This point has to be made clear right away: Although I can give you many tools to work with, intuition is by its very nature something which cannot be taught. Nor can the exercise of it be successfully inspired by a series of simple instructions.

That being said, however, there are many practical exercises which can begin to free us from the distractions which keep us from hearing our intuitions.

The first exercise you will undergo will help you abandon the effects that Universal Appeal has on your intuition.

Exercise
I Recognized That I Was Powerless Over Beauty...
I want you spend as much time as possible looking at "perfect" women. I want you to surf the Internet for exceptionally beautiful nudes. I want you to buy Playboy. I want you to visit a strip club. I want you to sit yourself down in a public space and watch for the most beautiful women you can findthis will be easier for you if you are in college or live in a metropolitan area.

Each time you see one of these women, I want you to study her face very carefully. Clear your mind, and picture yourself in a relationship with her. I don't mean sex. It might be hard not to picture sex, and it may take you a week or so just to get used to these beautiful women so you can get yourself desensitized. But once you are able to get sex out of your mind, picture a relationship with these women. Imagine how

your family might feel about them or how they might treat your friends (but don't imagine how your friends would treat you if you were with herleave pleasing them out of the equation). Imagine a long conversation you would have about any of your interests. Is she interested in what you're interested in? Imagine being funny with her. Would she laugh? Would your sense of humor mean anything to her? Does she listen to the same music? Does she like the same movies? When she is wearing clothes, what does she dress like, and how would you feel out in public with her?

Don't try too hard to come up with specific answers to these questions, and by all means, ask your own questions if you don't feel comfortable with mine, but your goal is to get a definite feeling about whether or not she is personally appealing to you beyond the universal. After all, studies prove that answers to these questions may be accurate one-third of the time. But it's the asking and the feeling that are important. Don't try to explain why or howthat will be inaccurate. This is a meditative exercise designed to help you break free from the distractions that these women unintentionally pose us.

When you feel like you are personally drawn (beyond the physical) to a small percentage of these women, you are likely ready to move to the next phase.

But that statistic is not gospel. Too many factors can alter it. You may find in your travels that there is something about a typical stripper's personality which seems to appeal to something in yours, and therefore an inordinate number of strippers will have personal appeal to you. Or maybe the same goes for you and models (you should be so lucky.)

My Own Personal 'Personal Appeal'

I, for example, have more of the opposite problem, because of how my personality is structured. I tend not to find any of your average strippers, models or centerfolds anything beyond universally appealing. The bulk of extraordinarily beautiful women I tend to be drawn to work in and around the arts.

The important thing here is that you should get to a place where you genuinely feel that you can tell the difference between universal appeal and personal appeal, even while staring extreme beauty in the face. Once you've gotten there, you are ready to graduate to the next phase of your study.

But here is your final exam: Go to a bar (or if you are too young, any gathering place.) Look for the most beautiful woman there. She doesn't have to have any personal appeal for youin fact it is best if she only has a lot of universal appeal and nothing more. For your own safety, you should probably make sure she doesn't have a date with her as well.

Do not stare at her or give her any overt attention. When you are leaving (and make sure it is when you are on your way out) put on your coat and walk straight for her. Say hello, and then tell her in the most friendly, calm and straightforward way that you think she's very beautiful.

And this is the most important part of the exercise: do not wait for a response or even expect one. Just walk out of the bar. End of exercise. If you expect a thank-you, or you even show the slightest glimmer of hesitating hope that she will show interest in you or flirt with you, you have failed the examnot to mention you will turn what would have been a pleasant and surprising compliment to her into an awkward situation she may now resent. You must meet her eyes, tell her you think she's beautiful, and then leave without even a split second's hesitation.

"Heart-Rendingly Beautiful?"
Let me tell you about my friend Kevin: Kevin's one of those guys who has trouble looking you in the eye when he talks to you. He works for a newspaper in Miami and in his spare time he's a music critic for a local magazine. He's a really great guy, funny, smart and fun to be around. But I've seen him around women and the man clams up. It's because he doesn't believe in himself.

I turned him on to the exercise above, and I'm not saying you should necessarily do what Kevin did, but Kevin turned this into a hobby. He got strangely hooked and every weekend went out with his Miami friends to various bars. At each bar they went to he

would find a woman and when they were on their way out, he would tell her that she was beautiful. (I believe his favorite words were "I just wanted you to know that I think you're heart-rendingly beautiful.")

I saw Kevin's confidence improve considerably. And I also noticed that he became a little more willing to talk to women when I brought one around.

I'm not saying that this exercise alone is what did it for Kevin, but it was a significant part of a bigger change I saw in him that year. After a few months of this he started seeing a woman who played guitar in a local band. They're still together, in fact. I can't get Kevin to admit that the exercise changed him, but I'm sure it did because I watched him make a lot of big changes after that.

This exercise will change your life. And the more you do it, the more empowering it will feel. Let me explain why.

Women are fond of scapegoating their insecurities by blaming them on the media. And I don't deny that the media's bombardment of sexual imagery has a negative impact on the feminine psyche. But the notion that this is somehow an ideal universe for

men is a tad overblown.

Men suffer from this same female sexual imagery as well, though admittedly not as much. It distracts us, and leads us to make foolish romantic decisions based on the good looks we have been promised. Having unrealistic expectations and being hung up on freakishly good looks will not only make you lonely, it will also lead to dissatisfaction in your partnerships and seriously hamper your intuition with experiential bias.

That doesn't mean you can't attract women who are freakishly beautiful, but until you learn how to eliminate your bias, you will have difficulty achieving this goal.

The former exercise will give you a clear sense of the kind of detachment you need to develop in reaction to a woman's attractiveness. You will never be able to conquer the power a woman's beauty has over you until you learn how to reject it. And if you can't conquer the power a woman's beauty has over you, you will have much difficulty in the dating arena.

You will always appear easy, desperate and eagerqualities which work against your confidence. And your confidence is the most powerful tool you have to attract women.

More Methods
There are many ways you can practice being intuitive. It is important to practice using your intuition on things other than women you are attracted to. After all, the more obsessive you get, the more you will cloud your intuition.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Practice meditation. Pick up a book on meditation that interests you and give it a try. It's not as far out a practice as you may think. It's as simple as sitting still for regular periods of time in order to quiet your logical mind. There isn't a therapist out there these days who wouldn't recommend meditation. And without question, it frees your intuition more than any other exercise I can recommend if you do it regularly. Not to mention, it calms you down and gets you behaving a bit more like yourself, which is what you need. 2. Pay close attention to the work of your intuitive mind. As you go throughout your day and do things like "cross the street," remind yourself that you just made some incredible calculations that your logical mind would have been incapable of. 3. Participate in sport and exercise. Sport utilizes the intuitive brain almost entirely, and exercise has a meditative quality to it. Both are great ways to free your intuition. 4. Practice assigning characteristics to strangers' faces. It can be very helpful to sit on a bench in public or leaf through a magazine and jot down some things that you think are true about their personalities. It can also be very helpful (if you have the opportunity) to then meet these people afterward and see how accurate you were. This can be done at parties, classrooms, work-related functions. Don't be discouraged if you score lower than 33%! Just the practice will help free your intuition. 5. Give it time. Like all things, this will take practice. You will need to experience a few mistakes in judgement along the way before you can really know how to listen to the voice that gives you the green light. But thankfully, I'm going to teach you how you can make these mistakes without going out on a limb and

making a failed come-on. You will know you made a mistake, but no one else will!

Part Two
No-Pressure Seduction

Chapter Four
Your Confidence
When women across the world are polled about what characteristics in men they find the most attractive, confidence is always the first on their list.

If you don't have confidence, you will be set back on your search. Confidence, however, like intuition is not something I can teach younor is it something that can be faked.

Fear not, though. If you are not confident (and most people are not) you can still be successful with women. No-Pressure seduction is specifically designed for people who have a challenged confidence.

There are things you can do to maximize the confidence you already have. But faking confidence, on the other hand, will hurt your chances tremendously. You are far better off being totally unconfident than you are pretending to be something you're not.

A good director will never give an actor too many directions, and will never tell an actor exactly what they should be doing or read an actor's lines the way he wants to hear them read. This is because a good director knows that the more honest and individual a performance the actor gives, the better it will be. Conversely the more contrived and unoriginal the actor's efforts are, the worse his performance will be.

This lesson is a universal one, and one that applies to your confidence in the dating arena.

Imagine that you are ready to give a public speech. You have prepared everything

the way you want to do it. Everything you are about to say has come from your head, and a crowd of people will be gathering momentarily to learn from you. Before you go on, you decide to share your presentation with a co-worker. After you do, they give you reams of advice, criticize most of what you're doing, tell you that you need to speak up, hold yourself straighter, not look at your speech so much, use a different word here and there, tell you that if you don't make a joke after every page you will lose your audience.

Let's also assume that all of this advice is good advice. But let's also assume that telling jokes is not your style, that you are somewhat soft-spoken and everyone knows that you slouch a little.

When you deliver your speech, if you take your friend's adviceand again, assume it's good adviceyour speech will flop. You will have too many things in your head distracting you from the whole point of the presentation. Also, all the people who have gathered to hear you speak will wonder why you're standing differently and shouting. They will wonder where the real you went. And if there is anyone in the audience whom you didn't know beforehand, they will wonder who this awkward, unsure, confused guy is, and again your message will be lost.

Every time you listen to advice about dating that tells you to say certain things or act a certain way, you run the same risks. You undermine your confidence, and you appear awkward. You become a salesman who doesn't believe in the product he's selling. You go from yourself, even if that self is already shy, to a seventeen year-old telemarketer reading a sales script, and this is always worse.

I call that kind of dating advice High-Pressure advice. You see that advice all over the Internet. This type of advice includes come-on lines, types of behavior you should adopt, ways you should carry yourself, games you should play with women. This advice

is bad on many levels:

1. As I've said, it undermines your confidence and makes you appear insincere. After all, women are more naturally intuitive than men so that kind of High-Pressure faking will be very obvious to them. If a woman is interested in you after you make a phony High-Pressure come-on, trust me, she is interested in spite of your mistake, not because of it. It only means you picked the right woman, and she is forgiving. 2. If you are interested only in getting a woman into bed, your chances are still diminished by using High-Pressure techniques. Women typically sleep with men when they trust them. A woman who is attracted to you despite your unusually contrived behavior, will wait for you to drop that act and "get real" before she sleeps with you. So even you one-night-standers need to be yourselves to be the most successful. 3. High-Pressure techniques are all about fooling you into thinking you can get what you want. Sometimes, if you are gullible enough to develop true faith in such techniques, you may appear a bit more confident. Usually, however, women entertain this kind of behavior because they think it's funny. If you are not rejected by a woman for behaving this way, you will likely get a fake phone number, or your call won't be returned. After all, these techniques are all geared toward singles environments, where women are not only interested in finding a man, but are also interested in being flattered and getting attention. HighPressure techniques are often flattering. Once you have flattered a woman, you may have given her all she wants from you. 4. High-Pressure techniques have an extremely high failure rate. If you can handle being rejected an average of two out of three times, and handle even worse odds when it comes to graduating from the telephone number to the date,

then you are confident enough not to need these silly techniques. (Be yourself and you will attract many more women.) If you are like most of the world, this failure rate will be unbearable, and your confidence will suffer further from these defeats and you will become even less attractive.

Chapter Five
Three Steps Toward Seduction

Step One
Location, Location, Location
Here are your two goals for this step:

1. Meet a woman in an environment where you can take your timenot where you only have one night, or a couple of hours to make your move. You want to be able to see her multiple times, preferably. 2. When you pick her, it is important that you avoid letting her know you are hitting on her.

It's time to forget the fact that you're looking for a woman. Put that out of your mind. If you appear that you are on the prowl, women will find you less appealing. Have you ever noticed that if you have a girlfriend you attract more women than you did when you were single? This is not irony at work, my friend, this is you not out on the hunt. This is you being in a secure place and feeling more confident. Your security breeds attractiveness in you.

Your goal from part one has been achieved. You have gained some power over beauty. You know what it is worth, and you know when to ignore it and when to pay attention to it.

These three steps are about recognizing or changing your Dating Sphere so that you no longer appear on the prowl.

Singles Environments
Singles environments; by that I mean clubs, bars, dating services, and even bookstores

and laundromats sometimes; are not where you want to go to meet women. Why? Remember that we want to avoid the audition scenario. Despite the many changes of men and women's roles over the past few decades, men are still typically the ones who approach womenwomen are typically the more selective ones.

When you walk into a singles club, you are put under scrutiny. You see, women are most fond of confidence in men, but a person doesn't wear these traits necessarily. Your personality won't shine unless you speak with a woman. A woman, throughout her normal daily routine, does not think of sex as often as a man does. She is not always looking for a mate when she is single. Sometimes, she will be taken by surprise when she is attracted to a man whom she is spending time withbut this is unlikely in a singles environment.

With the crowds, the music and the sexually charged atmosphere of a night club, for example, a woman will be far more tuned-in to your physical appearance. Within the first two to three seconds of conversation (which you are sometimes shouting to each other over loud music), a woman will assess whether or not you are the right height, whether you dress well enough, are fit enough. If you even make eye contact with her in this environment, she knows immediately that she must begin to think about you as a potential mate. And now you are one sperm out of countless many all vying for entrance. You have been trapped into the audition scenario.

She is often feeling responsible and/or worried as well. She doesn't want to lead you on. She is hoping you won't take the rejection too hard if she rejects you. She will likely feel pressured to let you know as quickly as possible what she wants from youand this could easily lead her to misjudge you. And she will likely broadcast her predisposition before you have gotten much of a chance to shine.

Yes, people think a bar is a great place to meet women if it is filled with single women looking for single men. How convenient, right? They imagine that it will be something like a college fair. Colleges are looking for students. Students are looking for colleges. Perfect. This,

however, could not be further from the reality.

A singles environment is the worst place you can go. Imagine a college fair where you had to wear your SAT scores on your head, and every college you approached looked at your forehead before they gave you the time of day and handed you an application.

Women are like most colleges in that they can be very forgiving of your SAT scores (or your physical attractiveness as the case may be) as long as your references, essay and grades are good, but in the wrong environment, they will be forced to be a lot pickier, and they will miss out on the best parts of you.

What you need is a chance to submit your whole application without her even knowing that you are applying. You turn her into the recruiter and she will do her best to show you how attractive her school is. And the moment you realize you are being led on a campus tour, that's when you are ready to make your move.

The Internet
Some people will obviously think that the Internet then becomes the perfect place to meet people. This again is not true. With old, faked or doctored photographs of people, and in some cases no photographs, people are unable to assess the personal appeal they have for someone. And remember, you can't assess biological connection until you are face to face with someone, trading pheromonal information and connecting on a limbic level. The opposite of what goes wrong in bars goes wrong with these interactions. We connect with someone on a very intimate level because we have few inhibitions. We are more forgiving because while we are unable to see a person face-to-face, we are full of desperate hope that they will be our ideal mate.

In this college fair, you are unable to see the recruiter or any of the literature, but you can talk to them through a slit in the wall. While you can't see their eyes, they may tell you that their

college is a paradise. While they can't see you, you may lie about your SAT score. Since there are so many colleges out there and life is so confusing, you may just decide that this is the perfect college for youafter all, you have very little to go on and your imagination and hopes will fill in the gaps.

The disturbing thing about Internet romances is that this mutual delusion sometimes lasts for a short time after two people meet, only to die hard later on. More often than that, one or both people are disappointed upon meeting. Again, we come back to the high failure rate and the number it does on our confidence.

Since we are human beings, we look at the stars and we see constellations. We look at the clouds and we see shapes. Communicating with someone over the Internet is a little like being presented with a series of unconnected dots. You are a human being. You cannot help but connect the dots yourself. And since, like everyone else in the world, you want your life to be perfect, you will connect those dots in the way that most benefits your hopes and expectations.

Steer clear of the Internet.

Other Singles Environments

I mentioned laundromats and bookstores. Of course places like this are nothing like singles clubs. And that's why people have been suggesting you go there to meet women for years now. The idea is that you have things to talk aboutin a laundromat, you're bored while you're waiting for your clothes, and in a bookstore you've got your reading interests to discuss.

But steering clear of the obvious come-on is only half of the lesson here. Yes, a laundromat is slightly better than a bar, but you are still in a laundromat. You are not in your element. You are spotting someone from across a room and you are forcing yourself to "break the ice." Even if you can hide your intentions enough to pull off a confident and charming

exchange, you will still have to cross that line and ask for a phone number within, say, forty-five minutes.

That my friends, is High Pressure. That leads to the audition scenario. And that's when your chances of failure rise and your confidence falls.

Where To Go
Your next question is probably this: Well, where do I go to meet women? My answer: Put that out of your mind. What is the most important thing? Your confidence. How do you appear more confident? By getting power over feminine beauty and avoiding the audition scenario so you can be yourself. Then what? Let your interests be your guide.

What do I mean by 'let your interests be your guide?' Don't go looking for women. The moment you walk out of your house with the intention of finding a woman rather than doing something fun or enriching for yourself, you have slipped into the land of the desperate. Women (and even we men) smell desperation and no one likes it. You will be on the prowl. You will not appear confident. You will get yourself into an audition scenario and you will likely choke.

So, let your interests guide you to your next woman. Do what you want to do. I can't get too specific here since all men are different. But I can say that it's very important that you don't stay at home, obviously. There is no one out there, even true introverts who wouldn't benefit tremendously from some human interaction. So get out there.

Here are some examples: Take classes, join groups, book clubs, sports teams (co-ed or not); get a job, a second job; go to church, find some religion you are attracted to; learn a trade; join a band. If you have any kind of artistic ability, it would behoove you on every level to exploit it by getting your work out there. Women will actually come on to you if you do this. Women love talent in men.

But do not mistake what I'm saying. It really doesn't matter what you do. Just change what you are doing now, unless you are already very involved with a lot of things (if that's the case, skip to the next step). Expand your sphere of friends and acquaintances. I am not saying that any of the above activities are "great for meeting chicks." Not at all. You have to look within yourself and find what it is you truly enjoy, and then go out there and enjoy it. It's that simple.

While doing the things you are good at and love, you will enhance your happiness and your confidence, thus making you more attractive. You will take your mind off of desperately hunting for a mate, thus making you more attractive. And last but most important, you will probably meet many women you are attracted to. After all, you are looking for women who are not simply universally appealing, but women who somehow "click" with you, who stimulate you on a personal and biological level. This will happen much more often in environments like this because you will find like people. It's that simple.

On the subject of location and avoiding appearing desperate, I cannot stress this point enough: You will not meet your next girlfriend while walking down the street. Yes, this has happened before in the history of romance. But people also win the lottery sometimes and are occasionally struck by lightning as well.

Sometimes women find you attractive when they pass you by. Sometimes they even show it. If you then follow and engage her, however, chances are she will be frightened by you. And once you approach her at all in a situation like this you are once again stuck in the HighPressure audition scenario and she will likely need to let you know that your chances are slimeven if your intuition knows better.

The bottom line: Your chances are significantly slimmer than your chances at even a singles environment. Your failure rate will be much higher if you use this approach. You will be forced to use High-Pressure techniques to win her favor quickly, and you will almost certainly fail.

Just remember this, the world is full of women. Unless you are on a campus or at work and see someone time and again whom you can later track down, you should give up on a random passer-by before you start. You will see thousands upon thousands of attractive women walk past you for the rest of your life. That's all they arepassers by. They are nice to look at. Otherwise, put them out of your mind. You might as well treat them as women in a magazine who are only universally attractive.

So here is your next assignment: It's time to get a notebook. Spend a few days writing a large list of the things you like. Get detailed. Try to hit the most important things first. But after that, don't be afraid to write things like "jelly donuts" or "making my friend Ethel laugh." Spend half the week paying attention to the things you like and writing it all down. Even the small, silly things help tremendously.

For the second half of the week, I want you to start making a plan about what things you are going to pursue when you expand your social sphere. Use the yellow pages, check local bulletin boards, surf the net. Find groups, clubs, associations, volunteer work that is right for you. Ask around. And go for it.

Step Two
Here I Am...Now What?
Here are your goals for this step:

1. Locate your target woman. 2. Use your intuition. 3. Spend No-Pressure time with her. 4. Assess your chances.

Locate Your Target Woman

First and foremost, enjoy yourself. Maybe this environment is where you will find your target woman, or maybe you're surrounded by men in this new group and you need to start making friends so you can meet friends of friends. Just relax for now, take your time, and follow your own enjoyment.

Once that enjoyment leads you to a woman you're attracted to, we begin step three, which is No-Pressure seduction.

Use Your Intuition

The next step is alerting yourself to someone you find attractive. Go through your list. Be picky.

1. Make sure she's not just universally attractive and nothing more. 2. Make sure there's no experiential bias screwing up your radar. 3. If 1 and 2 are both negative, you have personal connection.

Spend No-Pressure Time With Her

The Break-the-Ice Myth

Next, you need to find out if there is a biological connection. How do you do this? Do not think about "breaking the ice."

Whoever coined that expression should be shot. What at terrible image to be stuck in our heads while we try to meet women. There is no ice to break. We're all just human beings and if you approach someone in the right way at the right time, they will not have any idea that you're interested in them and therefore they won't put up any wall of ice.

There is no barrier that, once broken with the right kind of pick, will illicit openness and comfort. The only way you can be assured that there will be openness and comfort when you begin to talk to someone for the first time is if they trust that you don't want anything from them. Remember the exercise in chapter three about complimenting random women? They believe you think they're beautiful and are flattered only because you want nothing from them. The same goes for the woman you want to get to know better. If you don't broadcast that you want something from her, then she is a clerk and you are a customerin other words, your relationship is immediately one that can be recognized as falling within trustworthy parameters, parameters she can identify with.

There is no ice to break, and you shouldn't feel that there is a wall you need to knock down so you can quickly jump in. If time is of the essence and you feel you need to hurry into this, you'd better quit this one and move on to the next.

Trustworthy Parameters

Take your time. Don't worry about saying the perfect thing. Don't "approach" this woman either. When a good reason brings you into close proximity, just make a comment or ask a

question. Don't think too hard. Don't try to be charming. Be normal, whatever that means to you. And don't appear that you are coming on to her, because you are not, remember? You are coming in for a closer look and auditioning her.

The immediate goal of this first encounter is to not let her know at all that you are in the least bit interested, because you are not yet, right?

Here's a sneaky piece of advice that will help you a lot. If you have a female friend whom you trust but have no interest in, take her to your class or club or whatever. Then, when you talk to your target, she will likely assume that you are with your friend, and therefore won't feel pressured at all when you talk to her. You can wait for much later to let your target know that you and your decoy are only friends.

Remember the exercise I had you do in chapter three? Here's another place where the memory of that experience will come in handy. You don't need to watch for signs that she is interested. You don't need to swoop in, impress her and watch her swoon. You don't need to scare her by jumping straight to asking for her number. Just make a comment or ask a question. It is probably best if you talk about the reason you are therewhether you're at a book club or karate class. Remember, you've already got something in common with this person so this won't be too hard. And if you're right that the attraction you feel for her goes beyond the universal and you're not hung up on some experiential bias, then the conversation has a good chance of sparking and going somewhere. There is even a good chance she has noticed you.

But do not expect this. Do not show your hand and let her know she's being hit on. Do not expect the conversation to flow from your comment. When the conversation feels like it's dying, or you are feeling like you are running out of things to say, back off for now.

Your overall goal is to simply interact with this woman on a comfortable level, get to know her, and see if there is a biological connection.

If you are immediately comfortable and conversation flows with ease between the two of you, you are almost all the way there. If you are uncomfortable and/or she is uncomfortable, then you have some more work to do.

Some of it is preliminary screening.

1. Does she have a boyfriend/fianc/husband? The obvious is to check for rings.

2. If there is no ring, you need to find out if she has a boyfriend. Most women will let you know as politely as possible that they have a boyfriend within the first few minutes of conversation. They may use the word "we" as in: "Do you like classical music?" "Yes. We have season tickets to the pops." Or they may be far less subtle by referencing their boyfriend directly. An important note to make here is that if this happens, you have either broadcast your intentions as you should not, or she's paranoid. In that case, you still have your dignity. Finish the conversation and move on. Want to make yourself feel better? Mention your "girlfriend" and then move on.

There is a much subtler and advanced art to finding out if a woman has a boyfriend. If you are really in tune with your intuition, and you know you have picked someone with whom you have a great personal and maybe even biological connection, then you will observe a mixed hesitancy that will give her away. Because of the connection you are both feeling, she probably won't readily admit that she has a boyfriend, but her conscience will be telling her to. Remember the conflict between heart and head? She may even be flirtatious one minute and then grow cold the next. What will likely happen is she will mention her boyfriend at some point later in the conversation, or in your acquaintanceship. It will probably come out in some strange way, blurted out awkwardly perhaps. The more you talk to women who are attached, the more you will recognize this behavior and learn to feel that something is wrong. When you feel these mixed signals it is usually about another man. But remember, you still haven't made a pass, so

your dignity is still in your possession.

3. Once you have discovered the boyfriend, you have one or two choices. You can be a brave and crazy man and stick to her or you can get out while you can. I do suggest the latter.

"Oh, So You Have A Boyfriend..."

Remember my crazy, sexy ex- with the boyfriend? Let me paint you a pretty picture of what you may be in store for: First it was a series of intense sexual encounters interrupted by her guiltily pushing me away, leaving me painfully unsatisfied; then there were long talks about how she loved me, but that she also loved him so she didn't know what to do; this of course led to huge and constant fights we would have; then she left him; then she went back to him; then she left him again; then they had sex one night; then he finally disappeared; then she was nightmarishly depressed and awful to be around; then she got back together with him but asked me to stick around for the sex. The sex was good enough, and she was gorgeous enough for me to have put up with this stuff for a long time. But that was itand still, I should have left her much earlier.

Let this be a warning, my friends.

4. Is she a lesbian? If you think all lesbians "look like lesbians," you'd better think again. They are one-in-ten women, statistically, and they vary in appearance and behavior tremendously, just like any other group of human individuals. The only two things you can rely on are your past and their signals. Some men have a thing for picking that one lesbian out of a group of women and falling for her. If you have found yourself in this situation before, you should be on the lookout. As for her signals, if she does not appear stereotypically lesbian, she has probably been hit on by men before and is sensitive to it. But she may not want to be out of the closet in whatever public setting you're in. These scenarios will produce a lot of stress for her. It will likely be difficult to engage her in conversation if this is the case. But don't go assuming that every shy woman is a lesbian! In fact, a lesbian will probably put up a series of walls immediatelybut so may a married woman or a socially stifled woman. I think the important point here is that if this happens, you should lay back and observe. The important part is that she is not letting you in. You may want to give up immediately, or you may want to find out if she's taken, gay or celibate.

What is the No-Pressure Approach?

You have determined that there are no obstacles like husbands or boyfriends in your way. She is single. She is heterosexual and to the best of your knowledge she is neither insane nor celibate. Now spend time with her.

There are two important prongs to the No-Pressure Approach:

1. Don't give yourself away. 2. Make her comfortable.

The hardest part about describing the first prong is that I have already told you how important it is to be yourself and not have a lot of advice about what to say and what not to say

roaming around in your head, but here I am about to give you a list of things not to do.

First of all, if you think any of this advice doesn't apply to you, don't take it.

Second, I would rather you consider this short list more of a list of phony, clich and obvious things we have been taught to do when courting someone, which we should unlearn, precisely because they take us further away from ourselves.

So here is our list of unnatural behaviors we should watch out for:

1. Do not stare. Never stare at someone you're interested in while waiting for her to catch your eye and smile at you. She sees you are staring at her, and that's why she won't look your way. You are scaring her. 2. Don't use any dating terminology. Don't ask anyone if you know them from somewhere. Don't ever walk up to anyone with anything that could remotely come across as a line. Don't say things like "so...do you have a boyfriend?" If you are trying to hang out with her, don't ask if she'd like to "go out sometime." Being specific in that case is less of a giveaway. 3. Don't force an interview in the first meeting. When I say you are auditioning her, that doesn't mean she needs to be suddenly barraged with a host getting-to-know-you questions like "where are you from?", "how many brothers and sisters do you have?" or "what type of music do you listen to?" Don't get me wrong. If this happens naturally, that's fine. If, for example, she begins to ask questions like that of you, then go for it. But don't introduce yourself and then go crazy with the questions because you're nervous. She will be on to you too quickly. 4. Don't flirt. This is a tough one. Perhaps you are a great flirter and it works well for you. If you really know how to flirt, then flirt and ignore this step. Personally, I don't believe in flirting unless its with someone you would never sleep with and you're just kidding around. If you are not a seasoned flirter, then forget about it. If she begins to heavily flirt with you, then let loose my friend and see what happens. But my personal opinion is,

don't ever initiate the flirting.

The second prong of the approach is all about how you will get to spend that time with her.

You need to devise a way (and don't get too elaborate here or she'll smell a scheme coming) by which you can spend time with her that does not seem like a date. Of course you have already spent time with her at whatever activity brought you together, and perhaps your intuition was so dead on that the two of you immediately hit it off and spending time together beyond that was easy and natural.

If you are not so lucky, you need to find a way to spend more time with her to further investigate what is really going on between you two.

The best way to do this is to invite her somewhere with other people around. If you are throwing a party, you can invite her, and don't be upset if she doesn't come. If you are not a party-thrower, perhaps you go out with a group of friends every now and then. Ask her to come along and bring some friends.

If you have done everything right so far, she has been waiting for you to ask her on a date. And if you do this step properly, she will be talking to her friends obsessively about how she's "not sure if this is a date." This is perfect. You want to begin to exasperate her a little bit so she starts that campus tour I was telling you about.

Having other people along is a classic maneuver to make something not a date. Women employ this technique a lot when a man asks them to do something. Beat her to the punch and use that technique yourself. "Bring some friends along," you can say. Or if you are feeling really daring and the situation calls for it, you can ask her to "bring friends or a date." If she then shows up with a friend, she may be trying to tell you that she's available.

The more you let her know that you are pursuing her, the more she will withdraw and judge you. And you don't want to bother with that, remember? So make your invitation carefully.

Perhaps she will invite you somewhere. Maybe when she does this, you should bring a friend along if it's appropriate. (I'm certainly not suggesting that if she has the guts to ask you to dinner you should show up with your buddy.)

Assess Your Chances

Next you need to find out if she's interested, right?

Again, don't waste your time trying to accomplish this in one hour. Take your time. It's best over the course of a series of meetings, but if you have a day-long seminar, a lot of hours may do if you happen to meet this person early on and she is comfortable with spending a lot of time with you.

Now in an ideal universe, you can ignore thinking about whether she is interested in you at all, and only think about how interested you are. If you are truly in touch with your intuition, this will not only work for you, it will also boost your confidence. Your not seeming to worry about whether she is interested in you will boost your attractiveness.

But that level of intuitive control will take you some time. In the meantime, you need to test your intuition so you know when it has worked and when it has led you astray. So below I have listed a series of give-aways that will let you know that a woman is attracted to you. Some day down the road you can let all this stuff go and just trust your gut. But for now, use it to help improve your intuition.

Through conversation and body language, women give themselves away completely. The first thing to watch for is body language. If she displays any of these give-aways, she is

immediately physically attracted to you. Remember though, women are picky and physical attraction won't necessarily get you in the door.

Unconscious Signs

Remember that the reptilian brain is that primitive fight or flight center, and it gives people away if we know how to pay attention to it. You see, facial expressions which are generated from the reptilian brain are universal. New Guinea primitives who have never seen an outsider before are able to discern the meaning of facial expressions made by Americans. We are hardwired to wear our emotions in plain view, and there is very little that can be hidden to the trained eye.

Here are some examples to train yourself to watch for:

1. Mimicry. Both sexes will accidentally mimic the bodily posture, stance and even hand gestures and facial characteristics of the person they are attracted to while they are interacting with them. In other words, it happens live and immediately. Watch for it. If you are sitting at a table, fold your hands and watch if she does it too. It may happen a moment or two later, but it is still a clear sign of attraction. If it doesn't happen, though, don't worry.

Mimicry
I used to think that mimicry was bunk until I noticed myself doing it recently. I was talking to a young red-head who was in my Tai Chi class. It was during a break, and the first thing that happened was I noticed that I had my hands folded in front of me the way

elementary school teachers have their kids fold their hands. And it struck me as odd because that's something I never do. Then I noticed her hands were folded just like that.

Later, I also caught myself doing the same stretching exercises she was doing. Noticing yourself doing this with others can often be an indication of biological connectionit certainly was with the red-head and me. We are currently an item.

2. Squaring of the shoulders. A woman, when feeling attracted to a man will often square her shoulders off with his, so that he is facing her perfectly straight on, as though she is putting herself directly in front of him. This usually happens in close proximity. Conversely, a woman who constantly keeps her distance and opens up the square by shifting one shoulder away from you a bit, is not necessarily feeling physically comfortable with you yet. 3. Flushing. Women flush sometimes when they are attracted to you. It is a gorgeous give-away and a gift but not all women do this. Usually it's only women with fair complexions and it most often happens when you meet again after having met before. If she's been thinking about you a lot and is very attracted to you, you may see a flush cross her face when you meet again. 4. Large pupils. Dilated pupils are a very common sign that someone is attracted to you. This often happens while they are listening to you talk so make sure you look them in the eyes. This may also accompany a flushand if it does you are on easy street. 5. Trailing. This is similar to mimicry. If you notice, once you have made contact with a woman and you think she may be interested, you can test it out by wandering away

from her here and there. Don't treat her like you think she's a pest, but wherever you are, find a good excuse to wander off from time to time and see if she follows you. Again, this will often happen unconsciously, and it happens to both sexes so watch out. 6. Grooming. Women compulsively groom themselves when they are interested in a man. Most often, the specific reaction I see is one hand shooting up to their hair. Watch them. It is as though they have no idea they are doing it. She will say hello and a moment later one hand moves quickly through her hair while she keeps her eyes on you. This may happen the moment you meet someone if she finds you attractive. This is a common reaction. 7. Signs of Insecurity. You have to be careful about judging insecurity because you need to be sure that a woman is feeling uncomfortable because she likes you, not because you make her feel unsafe. I would say that if she engages you clearly, showing without a doubt that she wants to keep the conversation going but at the same time you notice that she glances at her feet a lot or (the classic) she has her arms folded under her chest, then she is feeling nervous because she likes you. The more you make her feel at ease after noticing this, the better off you both will be. Take the pressure down. She will greatly appreciate it. 8. Random Physical Contact. The most common example of this is when during a conversation a woman will touch your arm lightly with her hand. Sometimes they will touch your knee. It's somewhere in between a pat and sometimes a very light swat. Or she will rest her hand on you (usually on your forearm) for a good long moment. Random physical contact like this almost always occurs when she is talking to you, and she will do it for emphasis or as a way of commenting on something you said. For example, you may make her laugh and she will respond by smiling and touching you. You will notice that the woman's hands will move as though they have a mind of their own. She will not be calculating a touchthough that is a remote possibility. 9. Play Fighting. I have seen this over and over again and it's a very simple concept. When a woman is spending time around you and has been feeling the urge to touch you, she will often air-box you in a playful way. She may raise her fists as a joke, or

even tap you in the arm or something. (Men do this sort of thing as well, perhaps more often than women.)

Intentional Signs

Although physical reactions are sometimes very easy to spot, I have always found that conversational indications can show that a woman is not only attracted to you but that she has her sights set on getting into your life.

While the physical reactions are more of an outward display of attraction which are beyond her control, cues which occur during conversation are much more intentional signals on her part to let you know that she is interested.

Although the roles men and women play in courtship have blurred slightly, men are still generally the initiators and women are still generally waiting around to be hit on. But the notion of a woman in a romantic vacuum, passive and showing disinterest until she is kissed has probably always been fallacious.

I am sure that since the days of courtly love, women still played a very passiveaggressive role in courtship. One cannot help but think of the old image of a woman pretending to drop her kerchief on the ground so a man would pick it up for her. To this day, women will rarely come right out and tell you that they are interested in you, but it does sometimes happen.

Reverse Propositions
I think only once or twice in my life I have been actually asked something the way a man traditionally asks a woman

something. A married woman once asked me to get a hotel room with her. A young lady once asked me if I had a girlfriendthe answer was "yes" at the time so I have no idea if she would have asked me something afterward. That's about all I can recall in terms of propositions.

I was recently asked out on a date via email, but this is after I had invited her to hang out with some friends and me one night and she couldn't make it. Even though I knew she was interested and really did want to come, I held off after that because No-Pressure means you don't move into "date" mode and start asking her to reschedule. But she wanted me to reschedule so badly that eventually she lost it, showed her cards and asked me out, even confessing to me in this letter that she was really drawn to me. But still,she wouldn't have been that aggressive had she not worried that I might have asked her out on a date which she may have appeared to reject. Make sense?

I have been told things. I have been given phone numbers occasionally, but it was always in my court to get things started. In almost every case, a woman being aggressive amounts to her being up front, but without the proposition. And those cases are still uncommon.

Again, it should be noted that I'm an average-looking guy and the come-ons I've received have little to nothing to do

with my appearance. It's just that I have been living these techniques for years, and when you leave women feeling like you are a great catch who may not be interested, they will let you know they are interested. And like I said, some can be very aggressive but most of them are not.

All women will drop the kerchief in one form or another. No human being can be truly passive when it comes to things that they want. If a woman is being truly passive, she is showing disinterest and you should find out why. Don't confuse disinterest with being uninterested. If she is showing you clearly that she is NOT interested, she is yet again being passive aggressive. She is still unable to let things alone in terms of what she wantsor as the case may be, what she does not want.

Interested
She is directly or indirectly letting you know that she wants to be more than friends.

Disinterested

Uninterested
She is directly or indirectly letting you know that she does not want to be your lover.

She is literally not aware of your existence.

In other words, this is a black and white process. You will almost never talk to a woman who is getting to know you, who will not broadcast to you in some way whether she is interested or not interested. If she is showing disinterest, she is probably on drugs.

Early signs that she is uninterested (if they are not too severe) when accompanied with a strong sense from you that there is personal and biological connection, should be ignored

provided that you have the guts to stick it out. She will probably change her mind. (Remember my section about neurotic women in chapter two.)

For now, here is a list of some things that most women do to passively-aggressively tell you they are interested:

1. Making You Fit The Bill. Women will often find a way to tell you what they want from a man within the first few minutes of conversation, particularly if they're interested. If you find them doing that early on, it means they are likely attracted and are beginning to feel you out as a potential mate. Don't get nervous, but you're being interviewed. (Remember to interview her back!) And if she is more than interested and begins to feel that you are what she wants, she will let you know that as well. Just let the conversation drift to the subject of relationships or dating. You will begin to hear her preferences and she will make sure that you fit into them all, even if she has to dodge around. If you are daring and naturally manipulative (remember, I don't recommend game playing), you can experiment with doing the oppositethat is, mentioning something that you don't want out of a relationship, which you know she has. Unless she's a quitter, she will challenge you on it. When she does, let her change your mind. (But again, I don't recommend this stuff. If you're not naturally good at it, you will look like a game-player and she will get turned off.)

The Challenge
For example, once I told a writer/actress I was interested in that I wasn't sure I could date someone else who was a writer. This was after a series of things she had mentioned that she wanted from a relationship, which she knew I had

to offer. Her reaction was perfect. She challenged it. "Why?", she said, keeping her cool. I hemmed a little. "I dunno. Maybe it would work. I've just never dated another writer so I would worry about competition," I said. "I don't know about that," she said. "I think that kind of thing can work if you..." And on she went. And I told her she was probably right. Again, it's a silly and dangerous game, but I was curious about whether she was actually telling me what she wanted out of a man and I coincidentally fit the bill, or she was sending me a messagein essence, seducing me with a game all her own. The latter was the truth.

2. The non-existent love life. This signal is its clearest when you're getting to know a woman slowly over a period of time, and you wonder if she's interested in you. Some men work slowly. If you do, this sign is a good one to watch for. If you have talked about everything under the sun and she has never ever mentioned that she is interested in someone else, has had a date recently, is dating anyone, or if she talks about her aloneness frequently, this is a good sign. If you are a crazy man and are pursuing a woman whom you know is involved, you will notice a similar treatment of her boyfriend when she is interested in you. He will disappear in conversation. She will even go out of her way to avoid bringing him up and will only mention him when she absolutely has toand will also avoid calling him "my boyfriend" when she does. But again, this is a slippery slope my friend, so watch out. 3. Laughing and Listening. If you tell a joke here and there and are noticing that this woman is laughing at absolutely every joke you tell (even the bad ones), she is trying to

tell you something, and it's not that you should go into standup comedy. Similarly, if absolutely everything you say seems interesting to her (even the boring crap), she is not trying to tell you that you should go on Larry King. 4. Intentional Trailing. If you have picked an activity which has a classroom-like settingin other words, chairs and desks or tables to sit at, and you come into that place after she does, notice if she is sitting where you were sitting the last time. If you come in early, sit in a different spot and see if she sits near you or next to you. This sort of behavior is conscious and different from the unconscious sort-of meandering trailing that occurs unintentionally. 5. Compliments. This is a twofold indicator. One, she is telling you that she approves of you. This is a great sign. It also means you should compliment her back. This doesn't mean you should ever compliment a woman while expecting something in return (remember the exercise in part one), but when a woman compliments you, if you haven't already, you should work a compliment into the conversation when it's appropriate. Just do it and move on, though. Don't ever compliment expectantly. 6. Not Taking The Easy Out. The reason why compliments are such a big deal is because they could mean that a woman is interested. That is to say, she is not afraid of you "mistaking her" for being interested. The point I'm trying to make here is that most women are generally paranoid about leading men on (there are exceptions, don't get me wrong). Your average woman will do her best not to do anything that will lead you to believe she might be interested in you if she is indeed not interested in you. So rather than paying attention to what she does say, it becomes really important to pay attention to what she doesn't say or do. Point #2, The Non-existent Love Life is somewhat of an example of this, but it bears having its own category because there are a wealth of possibilities here. The best I can offer you is a series of examples.

Perhaps you offer a woman a ride home. Here is an opportunity for her to say "I better not." But she doesn't. She gets into your car. That counts for something. You ask her if she would like to have lunch with you tomorrow. She could say "like a date?" But she

doesn't. She doesn't even hesitate. She just says "yes," enthusiastically. The easiest out there would be for her to say she can't for whatever reason, to make up some excuse. But if she says yes, that counts for something. There are countless conversational examples. Perhaps you say "last night when my friend picked me up, he saw me talking to you. He thought you were a new girlfriend." Here is an opportunity for her to laugh a little too hard at this prospect, but maybe she does nothing but smile. But don't get me wrong. These don't all have to be hints or propositions. In fact, this sort of thing happens most often by accident during conversations. Sometimes it takes mulling over a conversation after you have had it in order to uncover these hints. It is best if you can observe these naturally and not try to make them happen. Again, games work against you.

What if none of these things are happening?

Then your chances are slim, my friend. Your intuition has probably failed you.

The most important thing to remember is that the final test to see if your intuition was dead on, is to find out if she's interested. If she isn't, then you know you messed up and picked the wrong target.

Step Three
Make Your Move
Time to drop the ambiguity. When you are sure she is attracted to you, go for it. Kiss her, do whatever. It's all in your court now. I can't tell you how to cross that line. Everyone wants to do it differently, and every woman wants it differently.

I will tell you this, though, don't obsess over it. Relax and let it happen naturally. But don't take this dating paradigm shift too far and expect her to grab you and kiss you. It may happen,

who knows? But don't count on it.

Chances are she will be waiting for you to make that first move and if you wait too long after she has given you countless signs, she will likely give up and move on. After all, giving you those signals is often the closest many women come to hitting on a person. Don't play too many games.

Many men have problems here with hesitating. A certain amount of hesitation is natural. But whatever you do, don't wallow in self-doubt for too long. If you've made it this far, she definitely wants you.

Think of it like this: you are dropping a bomb. At this point, you know you have to drop it because you know she is interested. You're afraid of possible negative consequences, right? Well, there won't be any. And if there are, drop that bomb and then deal with it.

See, the anticipation of a bad event is really where all the trouble is. It's like when you're waiting to break up with someone. The most difficult and agonizing period is leading up to the bomb drop. But once that bomb has been dropped, no matter how bad the explosion is, you are suddenly a soldier who is fighting for his life with shrapnel all around youthat part of the experience is so simple because you know just what you need to do, take cover and survive.

The same goes for a happy explosion. You drop that bomb. She kisses you back. You both know just what to do, and the agonizing is over.

What's the worst thing that could happen? You try to kiss her and she pulls away. Well, this is either because your intuition failed you, or you're about to discover she's a neurotic mess. In either case, you've learned something very valuable. With the former you can discover where you went wrong and use it to improve your abilities. If it's the latter, you can still get her if you really want to, but you also have a unique opportunity to see her at her worst. You can decide whether she's really worth it now.

And what is most likely to happen? You kiss someone you're really attracted to and she kisses you back! Little else is better in this world, my friend. Don't put that kind of joy off.

(You probably don't want to ask a woman if you can kiss herI've heard too many women complain about that sort of thing to recommend it, but hey, if it works for you, do it.)

But you can also begin calculated physical contact that is socially acceptable. Remember when I told you about women accidentally touching your arm when they talk to you? Do things like that to her. See if she does it back. Try hugging her goodbye or upon greeting her and see what she does. When you approach her to talk to her, come close and put your hand on her shoulder. All these sorts of moves will invoke positive responses in a woman who is interested, and small acts of physical contact like this will mount and eventually, a kiss will be inevitable.

And when it is, drop that bomb. The explosion will almost certainly be a good one.

If you know she is interested, throw the rules of this guide out of your head and go for it. Our work here is done.

Conclusion
Summing It Up
Here is a breakdown of what was covered in this book, and what you will need to do to master the art of No-Pressure seduction.

1. Improve your intuition with practice. 2. Learn when you have found someone you are compatible with by: a. conquering the influence of universal beauty, b. avoiding your own experiential biases and c. learning to spot a woman whom you will be compatible with. 3. Build your confidence by following your interests. 4. Locate your target woman using the intuitive techniques above. 5. Determine if she is a lost cause. 6. Spend No-Pressure time with her. 7. Assess your chances. 8. Make your move.

If you follow my advice, you will find there an immediate change in your dating life. You will feel more confident and more in control. As you practice these intuitive techniques and self-restraint, you will eventually become a master of the No-Pressure Approach.

You will learn to spot a personal connection in a matter of seconds, and a biological connection almost as quickly. The more successful you become at honing your radar, and the more you learn and prove to yourself that (when you're doing this correctly) it's a one-way process, the more confident you will become, and thus, the

more attractive you will become. And the more success you have, the faster you will be able to move through these steps.

I may paint a picture of a No-Pressure Approach taking months to work. That is not necessarily so. If anything, your own self-doubt will be what slows the process down. But when you finally free your intuition completely, you will not make mistakes in selection, and the process then becomes easier and easier.

I hope you're ready to change your approach and open your mind to a process which will finally give you the power to lay back and glide painlessly into the love lives of as many women as you want.

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to write me at andrew@fretfulstir.com.