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Protect This House

(Al-Adab-Al-Mufrad)
By Shaykh Abu Eesa Niamatullah

Every human makes mistakes. We were created to make mistakes. The Prophet (SAW) has said that those who repent after making mistakes are the best of people. Adversity is what makes people. Islam is the single most divine religion as the Quran does not mention anything regarding hatred. Your biggest enemy is your own self. Allah (SWT) warns us in the Quran about our own selves, and this is followed by the consequences of our actions. Mistakes are part of getting back up.

The wise one is not who learns from his own mistakes; he is one who learns from others mistakes. Taqwa actually means God consciousness.
You should learn before you lead! Many of the leaders (especially those people who give dawah) dont listen to the advice they give to others and tell people to maintain the ties of kinship but dont even spend enough time with their own families. It is a prominent trade in Eastern culture that children hold a very high level of respect for their parents. However, it is not even religious for them, it is cultural! Shariah makes it an obligation to respect your parents. In the Quran, Allah (SWT) says to the Prophet (SAW): Do what is beautiful. Allah (SWT) loves those who do what is beautiful. (Al-Baqarah-195) In the deepest sense, adab is quite literally, beautiful being and beautiful feeling and beautiful thinking-expressing ourselves through beautiful action. Adab designates a wide range of social and ethical virtues, like good manners, discretion, and grace, indulgence towards friends, refined taste, courage, erudition and literary skill. Adab, thus, is education and upbringing, high moral principles and correct behaviour, scholarship and knowledge, all at once. Adab is to know how to speak correctly and act correctly, at the right time and place. A lack of adab brings down the entire structure. So adab is actually more than just being respectful (as suggested by Asian languages) and is closer to a complete code of conduct and moral behaviour which determines our every action in this world. It is noted that Bukhari was the only person to put a collection together about this topic!

A hadith was narrated by Ahmad about the Prophet (SAW), I was only sent to perfect good manners. This states that the Prophet (SAW) was only sent to perfect the good manners of people, which implies that non-Muslims before the time of the Prophet (SAW) already possessed good manners, but some could do with refinement. Islamic adab claims to be able to offer the human being to combine all that which is praiseworthy from all sources and give it the divine signature of authenticity. More specifically for the Muslims, adab becomes that vital key and component to worshipping Allah (SWT) correctly. Ibn al-Mubarak (RA) said, If someone was to describe a man to me who had all the knowledge of the early and the last, I would not be sad if I missed out on meeting him, yet if it was a man who had achieved full adab, I would strive to meet him and would be dismayed if I missed him. He also said, I sought knowledge and was able to gain some, yet I tried to learn adab and found that its people had passed away. Adab is paramount to learning our religion. In fact the Salaf would never take a narration or some knowledge from anyone whose adab was not up to standard. Ibrahim al-Nakha said, If we were to take some ilm (knowledge) from a man, wed look at his manner, his prayer and his general conduct before we took from him. Some added, We would see how he treated his parents first

The Muslims were the first set of people to initiate a system for accurate & valid information (quality control) as compared to the overload of information we get these days from the internet. Marriage is an institution which you realise is not just about love. We lack the level of patience these days compared to that of our parents lives. A man is on the religion of his friends.
The story of Atika: Atika was the daughter of Zaid bin Amr bin Naufal. Zaid was the uncle of the Umar (RA). Atika was thus a cousin of Umar (RA). In Madina, Atika was married to Abdullah the son of Abu Bakr (RA). She was very beautiful and Abdullah was much enamoured of her. He was so lost in her love that he failed to participate in the various expeditions undertaken by the Muslims. He even neglected to offer his prayers in the mosque.

The love of Abdullah and Atika became proverbial. Abdullah felt that Atika was the most valuable thing in the world. When Abu Bakr (RA) came to know that Abdullah had not taken part in the various expeditions and had even neglected his prayers, he put him to questioning. Abdullah had no explanation to offer. The reality was that he was so overwhelmed by the love of Atika that he could not attend to other vital duties. Abu Bakr (RA) was left enraged and told his son in plain words that his failings and shortcomings were too grave to be passed over. Abdullah placed himself at the mercy of his father, and Abu Bakr (RA) decreed that Abdullah should divorce Atika within three days. Abdullah was torn between two minds. At times he thought that he should be faithful to his love. On second thought he felt that the command of his father should be obeyed whatever the cost. After three days Abdullah did divorced Atika. Yet this decision made Abdullah deranged. He would neither eat nor drink. He sobbed and sighed and sang heart rending verses giving expression to his great grief over the loss of his beloved. Abdullah divorcing Atika became the subject of conversation in Medina. When the Holy Prophet (SAW) came to know of the matter, he felt sympathy for Abdullah. The Holy Prophet (SAW) revoked the divorce, and the two lovers were reunited. Abdullah was very particular thereafter to ensure that the love for Atika did not stand in the way of his duty to Allah (SWT). In all the campaigns that were undertaken by the Holy Prophet (SAW) thereafter, Abdullah took part therein, and fought valiantly. In the battle of Taif, Abdullah was wounded and later died, as a result of the wounds, in Madina. How do adab and khuluq differ? Many words mean the exact same thing in Arabic except when you put them into the same sentence. Khuluq is more innate, related to the khilqa (natural pure state); it is a natural type of response, whereas adab is more of a physical thing. The scholars, following the example of Allah (SWT), order their books on ahadith in a similar way to the Quran, therefore the last hadith from Bukhari is the most powerful.

There are exactly 100 hadiths directed on parents by Imam alBukhari. Bukharis last hadith regarding parents is about mercy.
Background information regarding Imam al-Bukhari
His name: Abu Abdullah Muhammad b. Isml b. Ibrahm b. Mughrah b. Bardizbah al -Juf al-Bukhri His birth: 13th of Shawwl, 194 AH in the city of Bukhra after the Jumuah prayer. His childhood and early years: Started studying with local scholars at the mere age of 10 He went for Hajj at the age of 16 and remained in Hijaz to study (with permission from his mother)

He authored his 1st book Qadyah Al-Sahbah at the age of eighteen, followed by alTarikh al-Kabir. He then travelled to Baghdad and met Imam Ahmad and studied with him His memory: Ibn Katheer narrates that he was able to look at a page once and memorize it Once he went to Balkh and the inhabitants desired that he should recite one Hadith from each of his shaykhs. So he orated one thousand ahadith from one thousand Shaykhs I memorized 100 000 authentic ahadith and 200 000 weak ones His beliefs: One of the Imams of Ahl al-Sunna; his theology is one of the foundations of Orthodox Islam Wrote works on theology (Khalq Afl al-bd); his own Sahh has multiple books proving theology of Ahl al-Sunna. None of the Six Books has more theology benefits than his-also since he was challenged in theology he had to explain in detail what he believed. His fiqh: Qadhi Abu Yala considers him from the Hanabalites; Al-Subki considers him from the Shafites However it is clear that he was from the Ahl al-Hadith school His teachers: He says that he narrates from more than 1,080 scholars Ibn Hajr categorizes them into 5 main categories. From them were the like of: - Ahmad b.Hanbal - Yahya b. Man - Ali b. al-Madni - Ishq b. Rhwayh His students: He narrated his Sahh to over 90,000 students From them were the likes of: - Imm Muslim - Al-Tirmidhi - Al-Nasai - Abu Htim - Abu Bakr b. Abi al-Dunya - Ibn Khuzaymah - Al-Marwazi Scholars praises for him: Ibn Hajr said, If we were to open the door (to recording) the words of praise for him from those who came after his time, the pages would be exhausted It is an ocean that has no boundaries. Imm Ahmad b. Hanbal said, Khurasan (his place of origin) has never produced anything like Muhammad b. Isml (al-Bukhri).

Imm Muslim once came to al-Bukhri and kissed him between his eyes and said, Allow me to kiss your feet, O teacher of teachers, master of the scholars of hadth, and doctor of hidden defects in hadth. His writings: His total writings come out close to 21. Some of them were lost, some are still preserved, and others merged into his Sahh. - Al-Adab al-Mufrad - Khalq Afl al-Ibd - Trkh al-Kabr; al-Aswat, al-Saghr - Kitb al-Ilal - Juz f Raf al-Yadayn - Juz f al-Qira khalf al-Imm - Qadya al-sahbah wal-tbin His travels: Travelling was the key to his knowledge, something for which he travelled the entire Islamic world from Egypt to Basra, from Madina to Kufa. (Refer to map in booklet) During one journey to Samarqand, he decided to stay at a village along the way called Khartank. Here, he made the following invocation one night after the late night prayer: O Allah (SWT) as vast as this earth is, it has become congested to me so I ask you to return me to you. After this invocation, he became ill. He died on the night of Eid-ul-Fitr, the first night of Shawwl in the year 256 AH. He had reached the age of 62 years, less twelve days.

Sometimes it is okay to use weaker narrations in the arena of adab and other areas which do not determine Islamic belief, i.e. aqdah and Islamic law, as long as the following conditions are met: -the hadith itself is not very weak -the hadith cannot bring in new information -when you narrate the hadith, you indicate its weakness
As for the title, what does it mean? Mufrad = Farid = Unique The unique/independent/separate book on Adab Al-Adab al-Mufrad Hadith on Parents Bukhri starts his book by naming his title of the first chapter with Allah (SWT)s statement on obeying parents because naturally we have been commanded to submit to Allah (SWT)s tawhd, worship Him, accept His Lordship and acknowledge that our parents are the cause of our existence and thus enable us to fulfil our duties in this world!

Hadth 1: Abu Amr al-Shaybni said, The owner of this house (and he pointed at the house of Abdullh b. Masd) said, I asked the Prophet, may Allah (SWT) bless him and grant him peace, Which action of Allah (SWT), the Mighty and Exalted, is the most beloved to Him (SWT)? He replied, Prayer at its proper time. Then what? I asked. He said, Then being good to the parents. I asked, Then what? He replied, Then jihd in the way of Allah (SWT). He added, He told me about these things. If I had asked him to tell me more, he would have told me more.
This hadith is authentic, narrated by Bukhri in his Sahh. Sahib a person who has had a meeting with the Prophet (SAW) at least once before he dies. Tabieen - a person who meets a companion of the Prophet (SAW) and dies a Muslim. Atba ut tabieen - the successors of the successors. These people are referred to as the salaf. They establish the principles of everything and made it clear for us; they gave us guidance. These are the principles we use to live our life by however there is a little flexibility due to modernisation. When we hear the most beloved of actions, how should we understand such a statement? - At a certain time one action may be better than another (like jihad vs hajj) Both are important but when hajj is happening, jihad should be put behind. - It could be different for many people (not everyone is the same) This is like the Prophet (SAW) focusing on women as they are usually not regarded in the same way as men. - Sometimes the term is used for exaggeration (allowed as it doesnt involve lying)

The most beloved of relationships is the relationship with your parents.


Walid - when it used by itself it means parent (even though technically it means father) Birra - openness (related to honesty) Birrl wlidayn Birr comes from the word Barra which means to be pious, to be righteous, to be kind, or good, affectionate and considerate to someone especially kindred and parents. It conveys honesty and righteousness, a sense of acceptance due to the quality of the action. It also refers to a sense of obedience as described in the Arabic dictionaries, but when used with parents, its to treat them gently and courteously, striving to do all that which pleases them and avoiding all that which displeases them. Allah (SWT) says in the Holy Quran:

We have commanded people to be good to their parents: their mothers carried them, with strain upon strain, and it takes two years to wean them. Give thanks to Me and to your parents-all will return to Me. (Luqman-14) In this ayah, Allah (SWT) has put Himself and your parents side by side, saying that we should thank both. Imm Sufyn b. Uyaynah said in his tafsr of this ayah: The one who prays the five prayers has thanked Allah (SWT) and the one who makes dua for his parents after these prayers has thanked them as well. Thanking Allah (SWT) is a practical thing. There is nothing Allah (SWT) loves more than Salah. The importance of the parents and how they should be treated as stated by Allah (SWT) is beautiful: Your Lord has commanded that you should worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents, if either or both of them reach old age with you, say no word that shows impatience with them, and do not be harsh with them, but speak to them respectfully and lower your wing in humility towards them in kindness and say, Lord, have mercy on them, just as they cared for me when I was little. (Al-Isr-23,34) There is a distinct difference between Taleem and Tarbiyyah. Tarbiyyah means a huge amount of effort is made for a small return; looking for the long term. The key word for tarbiyyah is patience. Preserve and conserve-the whole process is enduring and takes takes time. You are doing this tarbiyyah for the end result; for your children to be brought up in the right way and reach their potential. Tarbiyyah is the job of parents and they spend their entire life doing it. The Prophet (SAW) said in the hadith found in the Sahhs Bukhri and Muslim: No child is born except that they are upon a pure innate nature; it is then the parents who will either make the child a Jew, Christian or a Zoroastrian. (Bukhri-1358)

Can your birr repay your parents goodness to you? Despite what we often think, our birr is not sufficient enough to compensate their kindness; in fact it is far less than that.

Hadth 5: Abu Hurayrah said, The Prophet (SAW) was asked, Messenger of Allah (SWT), to whom should I be dutiful? Your mother, he replied. He was asked, Then whom? Your mother, he replied. He was asked, Then whom? Your mother, he replied. He was asked, Then whom? He replied, Your father.
This hadith is very authentic and has been narrated by Bukhri in his sahh.

The top narrators each have over a 1000 hadith to their names (such as Aishah (RA) for example). Abu Hurayrah (RA) underwent much hardship and difficulties as a result of his dedicated search for knowledge. He was often hungry and destitute. He said about himself: When I was afflicted with severe hunger, I would go to a companions of the Prophet (SAW) and asked him about an ayah of the Quran and (stay with him) learning it so that he would take me with him to his house and give food.

Abu Hurayrah (RA) literally means the father of kittens. He got this nickname as it is reported he was very affectionate towards kittens when he was young.
How Abu Hurayrahs mother accepted Islam: After he accepted Islam, he tried to convince his mother to do the same yet she refused each time. One day, he again invited his mother to believe in Allah (SWT) and His Prophet (SAW). She answered with some bad words about the Prophet (SAW). Abu Hurayrah went to the Prophet (SAW) with tears in his eyes. Why are you crying, Abu Hurayrah? asked the Prophet (SAW). I always invite my mother to Islam, and she always refuses, said Abu Hurayrah. I asked her again today. But she said some things about you that made me upset. Can you pray to Allah (SWT) for her to turn to Islam? The Prophet (SAW) prayed for Abu Hurayrahs mother to accept Islam. When Abu Hurayrah went home, he found the door closed. He heard the splashing of water. He tried to enter the house, but his mother said, Wait a minute. Dont come in yet. Then she got dressed and told him he could enter. When Abu Hurayrah went inside, his mother said, I declare that there is no god but Allah (SWT) and that Muhammad (SAW) is His Servant and Messenger. Abu Hurayrah again went to the Prophet (SAW) crying; but this time with tears of joy. I have good news, Rasul'Allah (SAW), he said. Allah (SWT) has answered your prayer and guided my mother to Islam. Throughout his life, Abu Hurayrah remained kind and courteous to his mother even though she accepted Islam after him.

Status of the Mother: Emphasis on mothers fits their 3:1 ratio of work and care and pain and tarbiyyah, compared to what a father usually does. Her value is priceless. However, if Allah (SWT) and his Messenger (SAW) have not given importance to a number, neither should we.

A mother doesnt want to be obeyed, she wants to be loved. Its the father who wants to be obeyed. Combination of obedience and kindness is the explanation on the hadith about the heaven being beneath the feet of the mother.

The mother in law usually feels threatened that she might lose her son and thats why she can be slightly mean to her daughter in law. Your mother loves you more than she loves her own father, more than she loves your father and more than your father loves you.
Remember:
Do not disrespect; even the word uff (which seems diminutive to us) is prohibited, so think of all the other things we say as part of normal speech to our p arents! (you would never do such a thing if you were talking to royalty, so you shouldnt do the same to the king and queen in your life) Dont shout or as they say, dont reprimand them, or use hand movements whilst speaking to them. Speak to them karman, i.e. like humans should be addressed, with kindness, gentleness, and honour.

Hadth 10: Abu Hurayrah (RA) said that the Prophet (SAW) said, A child cannot repay his father unless he finds him as a slave and then buys him and sets him free.
This hadith is authentic, also narrated by Imm Muslim in his Sahh. Imm al-Bukhri is drawing our attention again to how we should always keep on our toes with regards to respecting out parents rights. In other words, you cant overlook this issue. Another interpretation could be that it is very unlikely to find your father as a slave much less free him. The scholars actually differed on the idea of completely repaying your father, some say this is enough and others disagree. Your obedience to your father is not contingent with your fathers behaviour. The more hurtful your parents are towards you, the more reward you get for putting up with it. At the time (of freeing him) your father would be completely grateful to you. This is similar to the hadith on tawbah. Allah (SWT) is happier with tawbah. If you (the father) were in that situation, you would forgive your son straight away and would want to just carry on with life. Your obedience and obligation when your parents are asking you to do something that you do not agree with should be present only when it is something that concerns them.

The principle of birr-ul-walidayn: Kindness to the mother and obedience to the father!

Remember: it is not permissible to give advice/statements when you are extremely happy or very angry! Patience is controlling yourself in difficult circumstances. YOU have to sacrifice to protect this house and give up your rights. When YOU start it off, you will see results from others.
Remember:
Dads are the solid foundation of our lives They are the shore we swim to when our arms and legs feel increasingly tired They are the strength we rely on as we take our first tentative steps into the world Dads can be tender, tough, fragile or powerful but they are probably the most uncomplicated love we will ever know For daughters, Daddy is the first man they adore He is the first man to fall in love with us For sons, Daddy is the role model they first aspire to emulate their mirror image of what will be and possibly the only man they will ever feel comfortable loving Daddy is the first man who held us, as a loving parent, with a lump in this throat so huge, only the joy of that love could erase the overwhelming pain of chocking on unexpected raw emotion When a father holds his newborn baby, he is touched by pure vulnerability for the first time in his adult life, leaving him forever humbled by the unexplained miracles of life

Hadth 49: On the authority of Abu Ayyb al-Ansri (RA) who said, A Bedouin came to the Prophet (SAW) whilst he was on a journey and asked, Tell me what will bring me near to the Garden and keep me away from the Fire. He replied, Worship Allah (SWT) and do not associate anything with Him, establish the prayer, pay the alms-tax and maintain the ties of kinship.
This hadith is authentic and collected by Bukhri and Muslim. The prophet (SAW) stayed with Abu Ayyb for a number of months until his own house was built virtually next door, but he would still treat this house as his own. Maintaining ties of kinship: It is derived from rahim which means to have mercy on another, to be tender to him, to have compassion and so on.

Linguistic meaning: the womb, where the child is cared for and nourished; in the womb the mercy is most intense. The obligation of obeying our parents and behaving in the most best and gentle way towards them actually comes under this principle to maintain the ties of kinship or in real terms, to keep in regular contact and in service with politeness and excellent behaviour to our entire extended family, whether practising or not, whether Muslim or not, at all times. A few hadith before this in al-Adab al-Mufrad, we are introduced specifically to other members of the family on whom there is a duty upon us to maintain ties with. When the Prophet (SAW) was asked to whom we should be dutiful, he replied, Your mother, your father, your sister and your brother. Then your mawla (your teacher) has the next right upon you, and then your relatives who are connected. So other than the parents, we now see that it is an obligation upon us to look to and focus on our relationships with our brothers and sisters and then other direct family members such as grandparents, uncles, aunties, nieces and nephews, cousins, etc. Therefore we discover that we must keep our family members happy and satisfied at all costs, at all times, whether we like it or not. We learn that: - Maintaining the ties means to go out of our way to contact and visit all our relatives, however far away they may be - When unable to visit them, we ring them or communicate by every other means possible - We give them gifts and do all that which will bring them happiness - We make Dua for them and forgive them ourselves for their mistakes or spitefulness - To always greet them with a smile and never show your displeasure at the things you disagree with or what might hurt your feelings. Youre there to soak up their mistakes, their differences, and their difficulties. Youre there to help in whatever way possible - And remember the key rule: this should ALL be carried out without the intention to receive anything in return i.e. even when they actually wish to have nothing to do with you or perhaps even when they actually couldnt care less whether you existed or not If you were to do all the positive actions mentioned above towards them because they did the exact same for you, then you havent even maintained the ties of kinship. Youve just responded to their kindness and that does not equate to the same notion. If your actions are not selfless and are carried out with the intention to receive something in return, then you are not carrying out the correct practice of maintaining the ties of kinship. We see that the reward for the one who does this will be Paradise, pure and simple. We see that the punishment for the one who breaks his/her ties with their family member is severe and swift.

Hadth 53: Abdl-Rahmn b. Awf (RA) heard the Messenger of Allah (SAW) say, Allah (SWT), the Almighty and Exalted, said, I am the Merciful. I have created ties of kinship and derived a name for it from My Name. Whoever maintains these ties of kinship, I maintain ties with him, and whoever cuts them off, I shall cut him off.
This hadith is authentic and narrated by Imm Abu Dwd and Imm al-Tirmidhi. This is hadth qudsi and so we should pay attention and give that little bit of extra respect as this is Allah (SWT) addressing His servants directly Allah (SWT) has taken from his own name and given it to the ties of kinship (Rahm); making it personal When Allah (SWT) says I am Rahmn, note that a variety of names could be used such as Al-Rahm (The Most Merciful) or Arhaml-Rahimn (The Most Merciful of the Merciful) but instead al-Rahmn is used The opening sentence to this hadth sets the context for the entire narration This hadth should focus our minds on the seriousness of this sin of breaking the ties of kinship The maintaining could be to look after, protect, bless, help, give salvation, to intercede on that Day when well all need it

When any speech is attributed to Allah (SWT), then it is generally of three types: - The best, perfect, most honourable and guaranteed of it is the Holy Quran - The second best is the Books of the anbiy before they were changed and distorted such as the Torah and the Injl - The last are like these hadth, which are from Allah (SWT) but narrated in the Prophet (SAW)s own words and hence the wording is not guarant eed like the Quran they can be weak, fair and authentic like all other hadth

Hadth 56: Anas b. Mlik (RA) reported that the Messenger of Allah (SAW) said, Whoever wishes to have his provision expanded and his term of life prolonged then let him maintain his ties of kinship.
This hadth is authentic and is narrated by Bukhri and Muslim. Anas (RA) narrated most of the hadiths about the Prophet (SAW)s life. Everything in terms of the deep and detailed character of the Prophet (SAW) comes to us from Anas: His easy going nature (SAW): He mentioned that if a little girl wanted to take the Prophet (SAW)s hand, he would allow her.

He observed the interaction between the Prophet (SAW) and his younger brother about a bird. His bravery (SAW): The second the action started, he was at the forefront. His nobility (SAW): Anas (RA) narrated the most about the Prophet (SAW) on this topic. He mentioned how the Prophet (SAW) walked. How when he spoke, he would turn himself completely towards the person he was addressing. He would never let go of the other persons hand first while greeting them (giving salaam). He would also visit the elder women of the town randomly in the middle of the day. His generosity (SAW): Anas (RA) narrated an encounter with a Bedouin who came to the Prophet (SAW) and asked him for something. The Prophet (SAW) told his companions to give him 100 camels and the guy was shocked with his generosity so he turned away and started shouting, Turn to Islam, this guy (the Prophet (SAW)) gives so much. His ibadah (SAW): The Prophet (SAW) would go round to peoples houses and do 2 rakah there. His narrations number in thousands. The Prophet (SAW) made the following dua for him: O Allah (SWT)! Increase his wealth and his children and prolong his life. And as Anas (RA) himself said, as collected by our Imm in this very book with a good chain, My fortune is huge and my children, and grand-children are now more than one hundred. He also said, My fortune is such that I get a full harvest twice a year! The excellence of his mother, Umm Sulaym Anas (RA) is her legacy and the proof of her birr to him and his long blessed life is the proof of his birr to her and his silatl-rahim to his relatives and indeed his place in this chapter. Anas (RA) gives us that wonderful, intimate and truly beneficial insight into the khuluq of the Prophet (SAW) when he said about his ten years of continual service to him: I served him for ten years; he never hit me, nor scolded me nor even frowned at me never. Anas (RA) was nobility personified; he was honoured from his time with the Prophet (SAW). Some of the statements of those around him bear witness to that: Abu Hurayrah said: I have never seen anyone resemble the Prophet (SAW) in his prayer as the son of Umm Sulaym did. Thummah narrates that Anas (RA)s feet would bleed from the length of time he would stand in salah. His ibdah could only have come from his witnessing of the Prophet (SAW). They would say that when he put on his ihram, it was not possible to speak to him until he had finished from it.

The increase in age means here either: - Actual lifespan, and this is the obvious and well known position - Increased khayr/barakah in the little time that he has - His old age will be a healthy one - Some said that his prolonging will be a blessing for him to enjoy his children and their birr and the ihsn and the birr of those family and friends with whom he maintained ties The word athar is used because not only can it mean his age now but it also means the remnants of that which will be left behind (dual meaning).

If you are good to your parents, you will enjoy life, whereas if you are bad to your parents, your life will turn out to be a complete misery.
Hadth 64: Jubayr b. Mutim (RA) said that he heard the Messenger of Allah (SAW) say, The one who breaks ties of kinship will not enter Paradise.
This is a very authentic narration, collected by Abu Dwd and Imm Muslim as well as our author in al-Adab al-Sahh i.e. in his Jmi al-Sahh. Majority of the scholars believe that these people (mentioned in the above hadith) are among the delayed. They say that those who dont enter paradise are kufr and as these people are not kufr and are Muslims, they will enter paradise after some time. Jubayr b. Mutim (RA): He was from the nobles of Quraysh, the most honoured in lineage, the son of the great Mutim b. Adiyy, and one of the distant relatives of the Prophet (SAW). He became Muslim at the meeting that took place to determine the ransom of the prisoners taken from the Quraysh from the battle of Badr. The Prophet (SAW) said, If your father was here, I would free them all. He said this because everyone likes to hear their families praised. He was praising him to make him (Jubayr) feel better. Then the Prophet (SAW) lead Maghrib prayer with Surah Tur. Jubayr became Muslim after hearing a powerful ayah in the surah.

Remember:
When you are trying to change the opinion or belief of a family member, you are going up against a mountain. Your parents still see you as a child. You need to destroy that image of being a child in their head for them to take you seriously.

The husband and wife


Everyone looks for a great spouse. This is the number one biggest factor in raising excellent children. The absolute single most important source of success is the excellence and quality of the spouses, especially the mother.

A practicing wife is a very important factor for your children. Its all about sacrifice and compromise.
But for men, theres a little reminder to start off with: Before you ask Allah (SWT) to grant you a righteous wife, ask Allah (SWT) to grant your wife a righteous husband. You should start with looking at yourself! It is the right of the wife when she gets married to have her own room. The scholars have now stated that she should get her own house, when the hiqum said that she should only get a room. The Prophet (SAW) once said: Three men from among those who were before you, set out together till they reached a cave at night and entered it. A big rock rolled down the mountain and closed the mouth of the cave. They said (to each other), Nothing can save you from this rock but to invoke Allah (SWT) by giving reference to a righteous deed which you did (for Allah (SWT)s sake only). So, one of them said, O Allah (SWT)! I had old parents and I never provided my family (wife, children) with milk before them. One day, by chance I was delayed, and I came late (at night) while they had fallen asleep. I milked the sheep for them and took the milk to them, but I found them sleeping. I disliked providing my family with the milk before them. I waited for them and the bowl of milk was in my hand and I kept on waiting for them to get up till the day dawned. Then they got up and drank the milk. O Allah (SWT)! If I did that for Your Sake only, please relieve us from our critical situation caused by this rock. From the example of this first man we see that there is no limit to kind treatment of parents as long as one does not commit sins in order to please them. Allah (SWT) tremendously rewards those people who are kind and considerate to their parents. Your parents own you and your wealth so therefore you should not go against them, especially with marriage. The daughter is therefore not allowed to get married without the acceptance of her father. When parents disagree with certain marriages its because they have a right, as the person marrying into the family (daughter in law) is joining their family. People are not racist when they want you to marry from your own cultural background. It is only wrong when someone comes to you from a good background and is very knowledgeable and you decline them from marrying your daughter.

Even though the mother always comes first, there are certain situations where the wife needs to be protected. Walimah is nothing but a victory dance! - Shaykh AE

Umar (RA) said that marriage is slavery, so be careful to whom your daughter goes to. It is a shame that we spend a year to two preparing for one day (Walimah) and a couple of days for learning about the actual marriage! A study was done on the main reasons behind divorces among Muslims. Below are the top reasons: - Husband and wife looking for the perfect spouse; incompatibility - People are so caught up in the dunya - Abuse-physical or domestic - Money-indirect (she is expecting to move out, he cant afford to. She wants to get an extension, he cant afford to.) - Lying or hiding important information. Ignorance is bliss sometimes. You dont need to tell your partner everything about your past if you have repented and you know it will not affect anything to do with your marriage. If you are hiding something about beauty for instance (sterile, impotent, major birthmark, disability) then you should say something before the marriage. If these were found out afterwards your partner can divorce you on the basis of you not mentioning this before.

Love is just a spark; the rest is about keeping it going. Love is overrated; its more about sacrifice as you are doing it for your kids or the community.
Divorce is something that Iblis loves and it is very much detested in Islam. It is not just individuals that split up; it is the family and the community that splits up. It shakes the confidence of the community. It also starts to put people off the idea of marriage as people getting divorces just like that. There is a really big emphasis on ignoring the faults of your partner. The Prophet (SAW) said that more woman were in hell because they were ungrateful to their husbands. With this type of warning, you are making a huge mistake if you still choose divorce just like that, if you have not sacrificed anything. There is a lot of benefit in marriage. We all should make this an obligation upon ourselves. Marriage is the solution, but it is a difficult ride.

When things look very bad after all attempts to fix it up, reflect on this: It is here when the Muslims have to step up and realise that marriage was most definitely more than just falling in love. Rather, it is for the sake of Allah (SWT), it is for the sake of the children and it is for the sake of the community at large who need to see people battle it out and suppress their desires for excitement and risk throwing away stressful responsibility. It is time to stand up and be counted and instead embrace the challenge of maintaining, sustaining, remaining stable and accepting increased responsibility with honour, patience and trust in Allah (SWT). Divorce doesnt mean that the relationship is over. The father should still pay for his childs upbringing. The average housewife would get 50, 000 a year for just the cooking and cleaning; even more than if she were a teacher of her qualifications. Men usually play a very dirty trick and emotionally blackmail the children. They tell their child the one who is teaching them the religion (mother) is the boring one and that they are the fun parent. The kid associates fun and games with the father and hurt and work with the mother. And then when divorce comes, the father asks the children, who do you like most? Who is the one who is more fun? This is haram to do and not permissible at all. Allah (SWT) has gifted you with something; you cant say that you dont want it. And Allah (SWT) puts the female offspring first in the Quran in Surah al-Shura (49-50). We should be grateful for this and accept the responsibility that comes with this. Despite the blessing, it is a huge responsibility. There is a narration by Tirmidhi regarding how children can be a real fitnah. The Messenger of Allah (SWT) (SAW) was once giving the khutbah and Hassan and Hussain both stumbled in wearing red shirts, upon which the Messenger of Allah (SAW) descended from the pulpit, picked them and held them and then said, What Allah (SWT) and His Mesenger (SAW) said is true You wealth and your children are only a test for you I looked at these two small kids strolling and stumbling along and I couldnt help myself but cut short my sermon and lift them up. Here, he is not celebrating the fact that he stopped what he was doing. They distracted him from what he should be doing. We become cowardly with our children. Not able to do everything because they are around. They make you weak, but you enjoy them so much so you handle it all. Our children can be out keys to Paradise or our tickets to the top. The Prophet (SAW) told us: When the son of Adam passes away, his actions are closed down except for three: a continuous form of charity, something of knowledge by which others benefit from or a righteous child who prays for him. (Muslim) If your children have the correct tarbiyyah and if you invest in them properly then they will understand this hadith and make dua for you. Also if you teach them something that can

benefit others, they can pass that knowledge on and you will get the rewards as well as them. It is authentically narrated that Abu Hurayrah (RA) himself said: The one who has passed away will move up in his position, and he will say, O Lord, whats going on? It will be said to him, Your child sought forgiveness for you. (al-Adab al-Mufrad 35) The challenges of Islamic parenting: Children, despite their great comforting and entertainment qualities, really do grow up very quickly and you soon start to yearn for the good old days when they were all small and innocent. The responsibility for educating them is a huge one and the emphasis on seeking knowledge has always been to start as young as possible. Bringing up our children is not just teaching them Quran, it is teaching them about life.

You have to try and complete your education BEFORE you become a parent.
The bonus really is to teach our children as much as possible from the Islamic sciences when they are as young as possible; they have plenty of spare time, they have no responsibilities and they have the advantage of being in their peak memorising age for as the Arabs say, Memorising whilst young is like engraving in stone, whereas later its like painting on water. What is your vision for your children? The shaykhs opinion: This country is his/her future. The Prophets (peace be upon them all) wanted their children to lead mankind. We live in a very different society who looks down upon us, but we in fact do that to ourselves. Its unbelievable that these people tolerate us. We are like a plague to this society. There are just a few people out there which are the reason they tolerate us (Mo Farah). If you work hard enough, you can get to the top. If you keep going, you can become whoever you want to be. If you have the motivation, you can get there. The people in this country just appreciate the talent here, not their background. I want my children to inspire everyone! When a crisis happens, the people in this country look to the people who have gone through their education system. They dont care about colour, whether you wear hijab or have a beard. They will listen and accept as they are so invested in their education system. Sadly, outside qualifications dont help us in this country. I want my child to become a professor in anything he wants. A leader in whatever he wants. So when he speaks, its a platform to show off the Muslims. So they cant think of anything negative to link with this person.

Make them (your children) memorise the Quran before secondary school as after that it will take too much of their time away from schooling. It is more important to just learn to read Arabic rather than the speaking. The understanding is more important than the writing.
Everyone respect people who are in good shape. You see someone who looks after themselves; you respect them more as you know it took a lot of sacrifice. It is important to realise Islam is bigger than what it used to be. Bigger population, if you focus on what the non-Muslims respect, the Muslims will respect you too. Number of children and frequency: Because breast-feeding often acts as a natural contraceptive anyway, children can be spaced between 2-3 years apart so that each child gets a full weaning period. Imtiaz - the discern one Tamyiz - the age when children are now held accountable at home for their actions (in general 7 years old, but can be between 5-9) The early stages: Birth to Two years: We should not belittle the importance of this age. The child is very much aware at this time of their surroundings. No doubt the mother ends up with the major role in this stage however the father should help once in a while, in helping giving the mother a break. Two to Seven years: Start telling them about things happening around them in childlike terms while also mentioning about Allah (SWT) and paradise and hell and general knowledge about Islam in a very simple content. Your actions and mannerisms are the key here as they watch you a lot during this period. You should also try and encourage them to learn the Quran at this stage. One advantage of the early stage of education is that they are more relaxed (they dont need molvees, they need people who love their religion). The only hadith from the prophet about teaching is about Salah and it states that you should pass it by them at 7, and implement it from the age of 10. The other ideas about math and writing and swimming were from the companions.

Seven years and on: This third stage is called the age of discernment (tamyiz). If you really want to make an impact, you have to jump in right now. You might be worried that the teachers at school have the ability to teach your children but you should use it to your advantage and work with them side by side. You should not let your child be taught the Quran by just their mother or father alone. They should get another teacher to help. Home-schooling is not the best option. Children get bored from just being taught by their mother and father. And even the parents cant take it sometimes. It is also very difficult to do (for the parents). Children and Salah: The verb marra (to instruct) has different definitions. 4-15 years You should not stop your children to pray from a younger age from 7. And do not force them before this stage. The more you keep them away, the more they will get attracted. They need to appreciate that praying is for special people. You also dont start correcting their mistakes at this stage. You ignore them. You start to praise them when they start getting it correct. The prophet has given us 3 years to educate our children about prayer and establishing it. From the age of 7 and 8, you start focusing on the childs legs, sitting and ruku for example. When they reach the age of 10, start bringing your children to the mosque and also wake them up for fajr. If you think they are still too young, then push it to 11. They are still not accountable so its okay for them to miss a few days. But dont let this get into a habit. When they get to secondary, they should have their prayer habit securely built into them. A man who does not go to the mosque is not a man! They should come to it themselves; you should not force them into anything. They have to understand that prayer is a blessing. So you may banish them from prayer if they misbehave. These things will only work if you have established reading the Quran and prayer from when they are young. Once the Quran is associated with punishment, they will not take it seriously. If they say, I dont want to read Quran today and you know that they are lying, then tell them its okay, but you cant read it for the whole month. If they really are tired, then dont force it upon them or they will start to hate it. Other acts of worship: Hijab - dont force them and they will follow We tend to play out our fantasies in our kids lives. Hijab becomes obligatory when she reaches puberty. Some scholars have said that if her body has become womanly, she should also start wearing hijab even if she hasnt reached puberty. If you want to introduce something, do it during the summer period if she is developed. She must wear a hijab in secondary. Likewise with Salah, they have to be prepared with Salah before they start secondary. Hajj - there is no point really to take children at such a young age.

It is better when they understand the concept. Even if they go with their parents, they still have to repeat their hajj a second time. Children and Mosques: Men taking their sons to the mosque is the same concept as women dressing up their daughters (they are trying to fulfil their fantasies). The children are not recommended to come but they are allowed only under certain circumstances. During the time of the Prophet (SAW), he never brought them to the mosque. People have to understand that children can learn about the mosque and prayer on Eid or Friday prayer. It is good to make it an event when they go to the mosque and they will start to love going. And then you can ban them if they misbehave and it will upset them. Life education: The most important secret for success in the whole chapter of Islamic parenting is to ensure that the parent is the life educator. This comes before all other priorities. Life education means the parent has to be the guide, the motivator, the confidant, the role model, the inspirer, the hero, the source of comfort and the fount of all knowledge. You should become the funnel in creating the experience for your children. It is impossible to bring your children up in this country without TV, movies, football, sports, celebrities etc. If you do not become that funnel, they will run to somewhere else to get that information. Since you cant create the Islamic role model, you try and create the lesser evil like something like sports for example. Gaming systems make bigger money these days than movies and Hollywood. You cant keep your children away from these things. You have to only allow them to use these things as a reward. You cant avoid your children being exposed from the corrupt societies. You have to be calm and explain these things to your kids about halal and haram. Islamic School or Normal School? It doesnt matter where your children go, they will still need your involvement and concern. There is a personal responsibility and the absolute necessity for the parents to review with their children the contents of their day every single day whether they are home schooled, go to normal schools, private schools or Islamic schools. If you are not their best friend, they will find someone else. You need to always be there. Summary of schooling issues: There is no definitive right way. Every option has its benefits. The single most important objective and rule and solution and principle and guarantee for your child and their schooling is actually explained by a Prophetic statement: al-maru ala dini sahibihi. The VITAL key to this all is who your childs best friend will be. If you invest in finding your child at least one good friend (or a small group), they will be fine. Issues with all these schools: Public schools: - You should know they are exposed to a lot here and you need to be prepared

Mainly people are afraid of sex education If you dont talk to them, they will talk to their friends and experiment instead The threat is out there, you cannot avoid it! Private schools: Preferred education system (by the shakyh) Not affordable Every day you are the filter and help them by talking to them about right and wrong Islamic schools: Easy way out of responsibility Not affordable The parents dont know anything about their kids lives as they dont ask them every day Many unqualified teachers who dont know how to teach Best option IF there are good teachers and the parents can afford Madrasah: Option if it is good and worthy Similar to Islamic schools regarding not taking responsibility and asking about their kids day

All of these systems will have their pros and cons. However, PARENTS ARE THE SOLUTION! You also have to filter what goes out, so check their homework for instance. Children will not speak Arabic as their main language in Western countries. They need to first learn their mother tongue or English. The real focus should be on the pronunciation of the letters. Child discipline: The Prophet (SAW) never hit a child or a woman. Ever. There is no narration that prohibits physical disciplining or capital punishment rather there are narrations that establish its permissibility and give its limits. We can tell from the scholars that one should use preventative measures first. The second level is to actually apply those punishments. The third level is to take a kid by the ear gently which is something narrated from many of the salaf and sahabah. But as a last resort, they allow smacking with conditions: - You cannot smack a child under the age of 10 - It cannot be more than 10 times (unless capital punishment) - It mustnt be on the face or say something along the lines of May Allah (SWT) make your face ugly! - Must avoid sensitive areas (stomach or private parts) - Must be in different areas to not specifically hurt one area and also timed separately - Must not happen while you are angry - One must stop immediately if the child implores you by Allah (SWT) to stop

One must explain before any discipline what is happening and why and also how to avoid that in the future

Beating is overrated! You dont need to hit anyone these days, you just need to be imaginative (no watching the match/no PS3!) Children require presence, not presents!! One of the most important things that you must do is to never spoil you children. Keep things simple. Try to not devalue the prize!
Memorisation of the Quran: Although we dont have a specific authentic hadith from the Prophet (SAW), some of the sahabah and Salaf would state as collected by Imm al-Suyti and Abu Nuaym in al-Hilyah: The right of the child upon his father is that he is taught the Quran, archery , swimming and that he is given halal provision. The young age is about memorising and not understanding, as that will come later and it MUST be accompanied with complete parental involvement and explanation, etc. Memorisation Tips: Some points to reflect over based on anecdotal evidence from Muslim families: - Need to introduce surahs to your children after 3 - Need to believe it is possible to memorise the Quran by it - One should not get depressed by slow development - Children are still memorising still into their teens (dont need to rush it) - Focus on memorisation, not tajweed - Focus on quality over quantity (dont rate 3 pages on a day over 1 page on a day) - Focus on at least twice a day (morning and evening) - The reason for memorising so much is because they have free hearts (no stress) so dont expose your child to arguments/problems - Encourage high number of repetition (one ayah-50/100 times); if you can, make your children to write out the ayahs (if they have studied Arabic) - Do not get depressed if your child is starting late - Memorise things loudly - Dont rush what comes quick, goes quick - You have to get your child emotionally involved

- There are many resources you can use Miscellaneous issues: The reward system - Children love things that we love 10 times more - If anyone has a right to rewards (or sweets), its children Instant gratification vs deferred gratification - Dunya vs akhirah concept - Kufr if you accept dunya Developing patience with matters of little interest - You cant always do what you want - Have to accept this (already present in education system) Developing the ability to share - One of the main targets for the syllabus in primary education The child should be listened to if they have knowledge or quality education - You have to really become their friends and do things together - Bring up their confidence, and let them feel involved and that they have something to offer

Hadth 76: On the authority of Uqbah b. Amir (RA) who said, I heard the Messenger of Allah (SAW) say, If someone has three daughters and is patient with respect to raising them, and clothes them from his wealth, they will be a shield for him from the Fire.
This is an authentic narration, collected by Ibn Mjah (3669) and Imm Ahmad (4/154) and Abu Yal in his Musnad (1764). Jhili Arab society over 1400 years ago had an intense dislike and disappointment of giving birth to a daughter instead of a son, which unbelievably led some of them to actually kill this child out of shame and despair, about which Allah (SWT) says in Surahl-Takwr: And when the female infant buried alive is questioned: for what sin was she killed? The Jhili Arabs either feared poverty or they worried about what their enemies would do with their families. As for fear of poverty, then Allah (SWT) says: Do not kill your offspring for fear of poverty. (al-Isra 31) One of the Salaf Ubaydullh al-Sad said, It has reached me that Allah (SWT) loves those who have daughters. Lt (AS) had only daughters, Shuayb (AS) the same and the Prophet (SAW) was one who had daughters.

The Prophet (SAW) and his Daughter: On the authority of Aishah (RA) who said: I have not seen anyone resemble the Messenger of Allah (SWT) in the style, attitude and way of standing and sitting than Fatimah, daughter of the Messenger of Allah (SAW). She added, When she would enter upon the Prophet (SAW) he used to stand up for her, kiss her and seat her in his place; and when the Prophet (SAW) used to visit her, she would stand up for him, kiss him, and seat him in her place. (Imm Ahmed, Abu Dwd and alTirmidhi)

Hadth 90: Aishah (RA) said, A Bedouin came to the Prophet (SAW) and said, Do you kiss your children, because we dont! The Prophet (SAW) said, Can I put mercy in your heart after Allah (SWT) has removed it!?
This is narrated authentically in Bukhri and Muslim.

Hadth 93: On the authority of al-Numn b. Bashr (RA) that his father came to the Messenger of Allah (SAW) carrying him, and said, O Messenger of Allah (SAW), please bear witness that I have given al-Numn such and such. The Prophet (SAW) replied, Did you give every child the same? No, said his father. Then ask someone else to bear witness, said the Prophet (SAW). Do you not want them all to be equally dutiful to you?! But of course, replied his father. The Prophet (SAW) said, Then dont do that.
This is narrated authentically in Bukhri and Muslim. You should invest the most time into your eldest child as they will be around for much longer than you as a parent. The illa is that the other children feel the problem. The other children should never feel like they are being neglected and one of the siblings is getting favouritism. So you have to be careful in favouring each child as well as they might not feel it at the time but they might later. Concluding advice: Ibn al-Qayyim said: The command of Allah (SWT) given to the parents with respect to their children precedes the command of Allah (SWT) given to the children with respect to their parents. Whoever is negligent in the teaching of his child that which will benefit him and just leaves him to his own devices, then he has sinned greatly, indeed most of the corrupting of children comes from via the parents and their negligence and failure to teach children the obligatory aspects of dn and its sunan; they were neglected as children and didnt benefit, and they fail to benefit their parents in their elderly age either, just as is seen when some parents

complain of disobedience from their sons and daughters to which the y reply, Father, you neglected me when I was young so I neglect you when you are old; you left me a child and I leave you as an old man.

Hadth 100: On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (RA) who said, I heard the Messenger of Allah (SAW) say, Allah (SWT) the Mighty and Exalted has divided up mercy into one hundred portions. He retained ninety-nine portions with Himself and sent one portion to Earth it is because of this portion that the Creation is merciful to one another, to the extent that the mare lifts it hooves away from its foal for fear of harming it.
This narration is highly authentic and narrated by Bukhri and Muslim in their Sahh collections. If I had my child to raise all over again, Id build self-esteem first, and the house later. Id finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. Id take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I would care to know less and know to care more. Id take more hikes and fly more kites. Id stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. Id do more hugging and less tugging. Id see the oak tree in the acorn more often. I would be firm less often, and affirm much more. Id focus less on the love of power, And more on the power of love. (Diane Loomans)