CCSD 563: Counseling the Helping Relationship Professor Dennis Sheridan Personal Helping Philosophy Paper: Meaning Beyond

d Nothingness by M. H. Lopez
This term has been a culmination of an amazing process of acceptance and discovery. I have struggled to accept that I am transgendered. I have finally summoned the strength to be able to accept myself. I have given up hating myself for being what the culture told me was ethically wrong, and spiritually immoral. I realized that further internalizing the label that I must be some type of perverse aberration for being born with gender dysphonia, thereby different; and its accompanying denial of Self; were not healthy. Further denial of Self simply became more painful than the the fear of all social and family resentment, animosity, or rejection. I came to the point where I could no longer exist as a compromised creation. That former self was deformed. In a Shakespearean sense, I was King Richard the Third. I, like the character, was misshapen, unhappy, and cruel. Oddly this experience of the denial of authentic self has been one of the most powerful experiences in shaping my ideals and values as a student affairs professional, and has directly spawned my purpose and vocation in relation to helping others. I am moving from social disconnection, primarily due to the denial of self and its resulting lack of emotional availability, back to connectedness. Its impossible to be present with others if youre not there if youre invisible. I am renegotiating my social niche, and cultural role. In some ways, it is more accurate to state that I am consciously participating in the creation of who it is that I am in relation to others for the first time; rather than simply numbly drifting and pretending to be enamored with life. It is finally living. It is breath filling my lungs, and expanding my heart after being hallowed, constricted, and little more than dark dust for so many years. In truth I had forgotten the colors of life. This new self is the person that is finally available, and vulnerable, to relationships and others. It feels very good to be present, but I also consider it an arrival into an unknown horizon of authenticity. I am in a very real sense reborn, and must discover my true self as I chose to define in relation to others.
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CCSD 563: Counseling the Helping Relationship Professor Dennis Sheridan Personal Helping Philosophy Paper: Meaning Beyond Nothingness by M. H. Lopez
The experience is now so purposed that it fills my random moments. Below is an email sent to another member of our cohort after my groups presentation on Systems Family Theory.

The strangest things happened this morning on the way to work at UWest. First, I slept in this morning, I can on Fridays, and so I was coming to work two hours later than I would the other days of the week. Second, I was thinking about our talk last night, and thought that maybe I should have used the platform of our presentation to state that types of families are different because people are sometimes non-conforming. I could have brought up being a transgendered, divorced, single parent with minor children. That is very deviant from the cultural norms, but it is my family. And as I was thinking this I saw a long haul trailing truck with a sleeper cab, covered in "Jesus Saves" signs, and "I died for your sins. What are you going to do for me?" fanaticism. I mumbled "fascist" as my immediate reaction, but thought to myself, "Wow, this guy drives across the country preaching his meaning." I was impressed with his dedication, but not the oppressive nature of his "Christian" ideology. It was weird to see such overt religious propaganda motoring down the freeway. I wondered where he was going, and where else he had been. Then I stopped thinking about the truck, and started to think again about my articulated purpose, and at what university [to pursue a doctorate in gender studies] I could best accomplish that within the context of the varying factors of my life. I reminded myself not to compromise in regard to this. That this was again, after so many years; the opportunity to rebuild, this time by design, the foundations of the life I authentically wanted to create. And as I was think just this, as I was passing the junction of the 10 west and the 605 freeways, I saw a bird flying dangerously low in formation like birds do, but with the cars. The bird was swooping and realigning itself to keep its formation with the cars at 70 MPH as it constantly avoided collision, and struggled to remain part of its interpretation of its flock. It was mesmerizing, dangerous, and I was riveted in fascination. It was only a car length in front of me in any lane it sought to navigate this motor vehicular indifference. As I stared at the white bird I realized that it was a dove. Then to my mind came back the truck. Two symbols: God and God. What was God saying to me? Why at now at this moment? What had I been doing or thinking that God would allow me a signal of the Divine Presence. The events seemed meaningless. Then it struck me with powerful, broad clarity like an expanding horizon. It was my thoughts about me as my authentic self, social justice for the oppressed, and what my role must be and I mean must with the full power of that words decisive intensity in relation to our culture. My meaning, my purpose, has become clear; and it has been confirmed by God and the serendipitous form of communication in which I hear those musings. I have climbed from the abyss of 2

CCSD 563: Counseling the Helping Relationship Professor Dennis Sheridan Personal Helping Philosophy Paper: Meaning Beyond Nothingness by M. H. Lopez
meaninglessness to the classroom of tireless mission. I am the embodiment of controversy, and the postulation of dangerous, but ultimately self-constructed thinking. I am because I can. There is no residency outside of, or repose from, embracing the truth of our deepest selves, and mantling our divine purpose. The book I had mentioned last night that you might find helpful in supporting you in stepping out into the unknown of being uncompromisingly your authentic self is entitled "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Dr. Susan Jeffers.

I, like the dove, am on a dangerous path of finding my place in relation to a potentially hostile or indifferent culture. The difference for me now is that I know that there is empowerment in the articulation of the authentic self. I also know that, for me there is little choice. Denial is not a viable and I mean viable option. I was dying. There is little drama in these words. In their seriousness is an empirical understanding of the cruelty of culture toward oppressed groups to the other. This has added an implicit understanding of the importance of being supportive to students and people in general. This was missing previously as I started our program. The process of self-authorship, and understanding diversity through the lens of power, privilege, and marginalization is what I will be teaching as an educator. It will permeate my

educational philosophy, and student interactions. That is my foundation of student help, or assistance toward student growth. Within this context I now feel capable of being supportive to any student who might have that need or internal dynamic. I also feel that I am also capable of challenging those that need to learn, or possible refuse to learn. There is a choice here: bigotry and prejudice will be challenged. It, like a pestilence, must be eradicated. This is where I am willing to break a few eggs to make an omelet. It is one of my eclectic aspects as a student affairs professional. I am not all support. I come from an environment of challenge and indifference, if not direct hostility. Sometimes I am the culturally toxic avenger in that I
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CCSD 563: Counseling the Helping Relationship Professor Dennis Sheridan Personal Helping Philosophy Paper: Meaning Beyond Nothingness by M. H. Lopez
am willing to make decisions about the recreation of the status quo based on my own system of ethics, and impose my will upon our shared reality to make it better. This is an examined, but deeply subjective and personal response. It is the willful response of an idealist who now chooses to be unconquerable. As a transwoman in a cis-gendered world, my perspective; to an undeniable degree; has been shaped by my experience of self and cultural oppressions. Parks speaks in her book about our perspective shaping our lenses or interpretation of reality, as opposed to the reality itself. I am angered by those oppressive experiences, and if I am able to spare others similar anguish I will choose to do so. I choose to fight that oppression to no longer remain silent, but to have a voice. I see this as an element of my personal mission statement, but in truth I feel at this early stage of coming out that it is also very much my personal crusade. It is something, as the above email implied, that God has shaped me specifically to do. The body of research on the transgendered population in higher education is virtually nonexistent. As a transwoman and an educator, I am uniquely qualified to be involved in this type of research. A trans person, since it may involve issues of self-identification and degrees to which an individual has come out, is more likely to self-identify, first; and second, participate openly in research that might require vulnerability, support, and self-acceptance; with another trans person. I would also represent at transgendered voice self-defining her population, rather than having my population defined by others even well-meaning others that are not transgendered [that is the cis-gendered majority]. I see this as another means of me helping by serving my mission as an educator and researcher. In this role as faculty, I must acknowledge that I would be moving away from the student affairs profession. I would be doing search which would allow student affairs professionals to better assist transgendered students. Additionally I would be, and I think in a more powerful way, interacting
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CCSD 563: Counseling the Helping Relationship Professor Dennis Sheridan Personal Helping Philosophy Paper: Meaning Beyond Nothingness by M. H. Lopez
directly with students in the classroom setting. Parks characterizes the role of faculty as one of most powerful mentors in the university setting. I see this role transition as being a helper to students by being a helper to student affairs professionals, and shifting to a mentoring position as faculty member. It would be powerful and foundational help, since it would be directly involved in the creation or modification of the ideas of the helpers themselves. But, for now while I am still teased by the distance in time of that doctorate degree in gender studies, I serve students by engaging them in discussions of meaning and vocation within the context of the university admissions process. Earlier this term I gave you a draft of the presentation that I had written for the University of the West. [I would also like to update you with the current final version.] The presentation has been designed to introduce high school students to the ideas of self-authorship, and critical thinking through examination of the self and cultural diversity. Currently I am working on an engagement program with the local high school districts to deliver this presentation to their students as part of a larger more comprehensive co-curricular learning event. Additionally, I am working on creating articulation agreements, and dual enrollment programs between the local high schools and the University of the West. These, in conjunction with the existing AP programs at the high schools, will serve as an initiation to create a three year degree program at the University of the West. If successful, the University of the West will become the first university in the state of California to have an official three year degree program. This would be phase one of this project. It would be followed by the creation of an integrated competency centered three year degree program based on the successful modeled by South Hampshire University. I function in many ways as an administrator with my primary contact being between secondary school administration and faculty
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CCSD 563: Counseling the Helping Relationship Professor Dennis Sheridan Personal Helping Philosophy Paper: Meaning Beyond Nothingness by M. H. Lopez
designing systems to assist students. This program is being created to better serve students from lower socio-economic families who have had traditionally limited access to higher education. It is again fighting for the marginalized. I do frequently have the opportunity to speak to students directly. This can be in a group

setting doing presentations, or with individual students giving campus tours and admissions assessment interviews. Over the past two years the natures of my presentations and student

interviews have changed. These presentations now conform to a more rigid educational standard in that they are characterized by defined student learning objectives, and integrate an assessment tool to measure their effectiveness in accomplishing those learning objectives. The student interviews have changed also. When I first began working at a for-profit school, ITT Technical Institute, almost six years ago, I felt that students should have a good grasp on their ambitions. My job during a student interview was to help them explore their ambitions, and help them to make a commitment to themselves. I was certainly odd at a for-profit school because I felt that there was accountability on my part to the student. My investigation with the students needed to be as accurate as possible in discovering the students self-defined career and educational ambitions. We would discuss goal setting, how to

achieve self-commitment to these goals, and the power and art of manipulating their pain/pleasure paradigm. My process was amazingly successful. As an individual admissions representative I had a 73% retention rate for the students I enrolled regarding the completion of their programs. The students which I enrolled were often the valedictorian or salutatorians of their graduating classes. It is fortunate that the great majority of students that I helped to enroll were adult learners.

CCSD 563: Counseling the Helping Relationship Professor Dennis Sheridan Personal Helping Philosophy Paper: Meaning Beyond Nothingness by M. H. Lopez
At this time I had no idea there were educators that viewed the holistic development of students as a fundamental task of higher education. I wanted to help students, but I did have any idea what it meant to be a real student affairs professional [or for that matter a real boy. Its just a little Pinocchio joke about being wooden, or not really being a living, breathing, blood pumping creature.] The CCSD program changed the nature of the way in which I now help students in the admissions process. The admissions interview is probably the aspect as a student affairs professional where the counseling skill that I have learned can be utilized, and I can also place those things that I was doing well into a counseling contextual framework. The technique that I use most frequently when helping student enroll at a university today is Humanistic or person-centered psychology theory. This also makes sense with who I am. One of top five strengths from the Strengths test that we took at the beginning of our program is Maximizer. The quote below is from that Strengths test:

Maximizer: What makes you stand out?

By nature, you may accept that no two people are exactly the same. This partially explains why you ask so many questions. Sometimes you are trying to figure out what makes an individual different from everyone else. Perhaps this knowledge allows you to inspire, coax, demand, challenge, or pressure various people to do their finest work. Because of your strengths, you might see yourself as a person who invents unusual and innovative ways for doing things. Perhaps you grow weary of certain activities when you are forced to perform them in the same way again and again. Your frustration may increase when you know there is a better way to do something, but no one is willing to consider the changes you suggest. Driven by your talents, you may have a reputation for being a hard worker. Perhaps this is because you ensure that your work matches your talents, and because you seek to develop strengths so you can accomplish even more tomorrow. Chances are good that you may feel 7

CCSD 563: Counseling the Helping Relationship Professor Dennis Sheridan Personal Helping Philosophy Paper: Meaning Beyond Nothingness by M. H. Lopez
upbeat when you spend more time using your talents than trying to fix your limitations. Perhaps you have noticed that you progress faster or accomplish more when you give yourself permission to do what you do well. Its very likely that you sometimes accommodate the unique talents of individuals. Perhaps you accept some human beings just as they are. You might argue that excellent outcomes are produced by people who have opportunities each day to do what they do well.

This is a part of who I am, and how I help others to reach to achieve their highest potential. This positive articulation of best self is a fundamental aspect of humanistic psychology. Humanistic psychology focuses on the now, rather than the past or even the future. In a yogic context only the now exists. Time is an illusion. From an actors perspective, an actor trains for years to live in the now in the moment. It is the only space in which human truth can be portrayed, or held up for reflection. Actors who are true artist uncompromisingly hold the mirror of the shared human experience up to her or his audiences. In his Poetics, this is what Aristotle referred to as Catharsis. It is an audience living, growing, and learning experience through the play through the actors portrayal. Plato, in his term Catharsis, is describing revelation, growth, and potential change. The idea is extraordinarily similar to an individual process of the development of critical thinking skill. Parks also described this process in her book Big Questions Worthy Dreams. I have found understanding Family Systems theory also extraordinarily helpful in understanding students interactions with others. In admissions, since the student has yet to enter the university setting it has helped me to better frame the relationships a student has had with parents, siblings, and other relevant pre-college relationships. This has allowed me to frame a students history, often as cultural bio-dome, and speak of college as an excellent opportunity to engage in the process of

CCSD 563: Counseling the Helping Relationship Professor Dennis Sheridan Personal Helping Philosophy Paper: Meaning Beyond Nothingness by M. H. Lopez
understanding ones authentic self, and moving beyond ones often limited upbringing as critical thinking skills develops. This is also echoed in Parks text.

It is enormously difficult to make meaning, to compose a faith, within the intensified complexity of todays commons, but it is particularly appropriate to do so in the institution charged with teaching the value and practice of critical reflection. [from Big Questions, Worthy Dreams by Sharon Daloz Parks, p. 17]

The primary difference, especially since I am now interacting more with a traditionally aged college student, is that I am engaging in what I have learned to be the heart of the student affairs profession. I address from this very first step of an admissions process the following: holistic learning, and the development of critical thinking skills in regards to students journeys toward self -authorship, and the discovery of their authentic selves. It is who I am as a student affairs professional. It

represents my mission with students, and the highest spiritual vocation of my most authentic self. In the end, it is my decision regarding the avenue in which I choose to service God and others. It is my imposition of meaning upon what had been nothingness. Meaning gave me purpose again. It allowed me to take in the breath of life again.