My Starcall

It was a longing to which I could find no definite origin or explanation. I could make a
hazy guess at something that might have initiated it, but I could also find bare traces of it even
before that incident the summer before seventh grade. Mysterious, unquenchable, and nearly
impossible to satisfy, it was a driving force that lay deeper than anything else about me.
It was not until September of !!" that #od revealed to me $ust what it was that had
happened so long ago and $ust what it was I%d been trying to chase, and even that was during a
casual conversation with a good friend& It was another of the many 'coincidences' in life which
always tend to blow me away. I was musing about what(in(the(heck that old dream that I%d had
was)that I%d been stopped from pursuing around fall of !!*.
I had pasted the label of '+stronaut' and 'outer space' on the piercing desire so
instantaneously after the incident ,or perhaps during.- In reality though, I didn%t know what it
was, for the longing inside me had always surpassed anything I had ever experienced, as well as
defying definition.
My story began when I was about twelve at summer camp before I entered seventh
grade. + .hristian since about age / or 0, my love for the 1ord was already growing. It probably
begins much earlier, but my suspicions on that aspect will have to wait till later2 for that is
merely a shadow of the event which so drastically affected my life.
3he counselors of mine and of another girls cabin had gotten together and promised us a
night hike. +fter lights out we would quietly sneak past the other cabins and proceed, armed
with flashlights. 4e looked forward to it with great anticipation.
4hen the hour finally arrived, we went through the edge of the woods and eventually out
onto the prairie5wilderness it bordered. +nyone who has been to 4arm 6each .amp%s 4(6
7anch could likely guess the area I speak of. +fter a bit we stopped. 8erhaps one of the
counselors brought out a guitar. 4e sat on logs, on the ground, or on big rocks as we sang
.hristian camp songs and choruses.
It would never have occurred to me that we were having a little worship service out there
in the wilderness, I was $ust en$oying it. It was a great time of communion with #od and nature.
+t some point during this time of worship I leaned back to look at the stars, thinking
about #od and perhaps his numerous angels. I was totally awe-struck& My awe was comparable
to the awe of a $et pilot who, during a night flight, gives in to temptation to turn off all his
cockpit gauge lights.
"The jet reassured me as it purred rock solid, so I turned the remaining lights off. I was
immediately startled; were those the lights of another aircraft to my right? My disbelief son
turned to awe as I realied in the calm darkness, that what I saw was not the bright lights of
any man!made "ehicle, but the brilliant e#panse of the Milky $ay. %nlike the "iew from the
ground, at &',((( feet there were few spaces unlit in the sky) I knew I must bring my eyes
back to the flight instruments. $hen I did, I disco"ered my entire cockpit bathed in starlight,
bright enough to illuminate all the gauges. I needed no cockpit lighting... I felt a joy to be at
this place, at this time, looking at these stars."
*from Sled Driver, p&+,
9ever before had I seen so many stars in the sky& In fact, in all my years since that time I
have never seen as many stars as I remember seeing that night. 8erhaps I never will. I $ust
gazed up at the stars for I don%t know how long. 6illions of them out there in the infinite
vastness of space. :ach one so incredibly large, yet seen as a mere pinprick in the sky.
I don%t remember the return trip, how it ended, or even much about that week of camp.
Somehow though, what happened that night dug and burned its way deep down inside of me. It
became and unquenchable flame of desire. I had to get there, to get that experience back& 3he
way to do it was to become an astronaut, obviously. In time, I named this event my Starcall2
and in later years I came to name the burning longing created by my starcall, that painful
longing which drove me do deeply, and named it my Stardrive.
I tried to trace my Stardrive and understand it)especially after age *)but it was only
an educated guess that it began with my Starcall. 3hat was merely the only explanation I could
see for the existence of my Stardrive. ;owever, it seemed entirely possible that it had existed in
some way before that point due to certain events I remembered from childhood.
<or I remembered a picture ,which I still possess- that I drew and colored in about sixth
grade. It was a picture of a rocket flying through space past a couple planets and a comet. I
loved that picture and was very proud of it. It was one of the finer ones I did at that age, which I
knew to be before my Starcall.
3hen there is the photo)it must be from around !=", since I>m not yet wearing glasses
and my little sister is toddler age. I remember the event more because of the photo than because
of my own memory. It bears the title of 'the 8rincess and the +stronaut'. I am the princess, but
I distinctly remember that the astronaut was my idea. My little sister was wearing her red one(
piece sleeper pa$amas, the footed kind. I%d stuck a pair of clean underpants over her head with
one of the holes over her face for a helmet.
6ut in any case, from that time at * years old, I spent the next * years of my life driven
in hot perusal of a career as an astronaut2 never for even a fraction of a second suspecting that I
was pursuing the wrong idea. 4hat does a mere *(year(old girl know about the ways and
workings of the Spirit of #od? My Stardrive filled me with a burning, unquenchable desire to
get back to the Starcall in any way I could come up with.
@f course I was not conscious of what my Starcall had to do with it, or even that it had
anything to do with the longing. +ll I knew was the intense, burning longing for something that
seemed to have to do with space2 something that was indescribable, and seemingly
unquenchable. Something that it was impossible to share with anybody because it defied
explanation with words.
Science fiction held a strong draw for me. Pure science(fiction, though2 nothing
AtaintedB by a horror(themed plot. +nything similar 6uck 7ogers ,the later version starring #il
#errard-, Star 3rek, 6attlestar #allactica ,the original- was a candidate. I wanted to have an
experience of living in and seeing the wonders of outer space, or experience an age where it was
possible since I could not do so in reality.
I loved anything to do with outer space, however that did not lead to a fascination with
astronomy. 3he reason being that astronomy%s purpose is not $ust to observe the wonders of the
outer space, but to record and explain them scientifically. 4hile explanations and physics of
stars, comets, black holes and such can be interesting, I really care much less about the science
behind them2 I want to see them for myself& I wanted to en$oy their beauty the way you do when
you travel through the mountains on a sunny day to marvel at their beauty and ma$esty,
en$oying the view of it and being amongst nature.
@bviously, 9+S+ and the space program took up much of my fascination. 3hat was the
only way toward truly fulfilling my desire& +s I have already indicated, I latched onto the
astronaut idea ,unconsciously- so quickly, that it became intertwined with the Starcall. 3he
IM+C film '3he Dream is +live' is a good representation of this aspect. I have been very
fortunate to have a dad who has worked at the 8acific Science .enter for as long as I%ve been
alive. 6ecause of this, we have always been able to get as many free passes as we like for general
admission to the exhibits, 1aser <antasy, and IM+C movies. I loved to watch that movie,
experience the power and beauty of the blast(off ,dreaming of what it would be like to
experience the force of / 'g%s' and the powerful rockets underneath me-, the wonder of
weightlessness, etc.-
'Spacecamp' was another wonderful movie, inspiring fantasies of being fortunate
enough to find myself in such a position. I bought the book too, and read it so many millions of
times that I am more familiar with the book version of the movie than the actual movie version.
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4hen reading, of course there were many exciting books that had nothing to do with
space2 but in my lifetime I have certainly devoured many, many Star 3rek novels ,re$oicing, of
course, over the creation of Star 3rekE 3he 9ext #eneration.-
;ow many millions of times during that * year span did I watch the final credits roll for
6uck 7ogers, Star 3rek, Star 3rek movies, Spacecamp and others2 how many times did I stand
out under a field of stars or merely sit inside contemplating and feel the burning ache, the
longing to be 'out there'? I could have not told anyone why it was important to get there, or
what I expected to have happen if I did get there, or even comprehend such questions. ;ow
many times did I contemplate the burning, aching desire combined with the intolerable pain of
being kept from it, all the while experiencing the Stardrive perhaps even as an addict
experiences his shot of mari$uana, cocaine, etc.?
+s the last credits of music would roll by, as unwanted responsibilities would call me
from my reverie or from my stargazing, I would have happily suspended time in order to
continually experience that longing if I thought it were possible. + poem I wrote during college
demonstrates this aspect of my StardriveE
Old Friend
-./
My friend you scared me/
I ha"en0t seen you for
awhile;
1ain, my old friend.
I hadn0t realied, or had
forgotten what a friend
you0"e been;
.ow kind that you can be.
2othing is the same now3
4"erything I was so sure
of before lies in uncertainty;
either dead or dormant.
I long for surety, fulfillment,
something I can0t pin down.
-ld friend; after the shock
it was wonderful to
see something familiar.
5omething I know and
ha"e known.
1ain, please stay/
please linger/
In a world of unsurety
at least I can be sure of you.
My friend you are welcome here/
1ain, my old friend.
I always left these reveries with great reluctance, desiring nothing more than to stay and feel the
aching desire, the painful call for as long as I wished to, as though such would bring about the
fulfillment I desired. I didn%t know it, but I was longing for another Starcall experience.
@ver the years, of course there were periods of ebb and flow regarding my Stardrive. I
had one period in which it was rich, then after that, the complete and sharp experiences were
fewer with more the gentle, half(realized experiences.
;igh School was, for me ,though it did not seem so at the time- the high point of my
Stardrive. It was, perhaps, the least complicated of the times back then when I did not yet
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understand what it truly was. I was also the most famous for that aspect of myself back then2
after I graduated and moved on it slowly transformed itself to the way it is now2 one of the least
obvious things about myself.
In college I slowly lost track of the Stardrive. I think it became slightly less obvious and
came to me less since I was working to achieve what I thought I wanted. 8erhaps there were not
as many ways to draw it out. #ood fiction, let alone science(fiction books are hard to come by in
a college library2 and this was .entral .ollege in small town Mc8herson, Fansas. +nd of course
in the 3.G. lounge you%re at the mercy of whoever is already there if you want to keep up with
any shows you want to watch. I know I made an occasional habit of visiting the soccer field on
good nights. 4ith the college located on the south edge of town the soccer field was an ideal
place to stargaze. ,+lthough the nighttime soccer field%s fame on campus generally had to do
with other things.-
I am not sure on that, though. I only know that sometime during ,I think- my
sophomore year I was startled by a fresh, strong rush of Stardrive. In fact, that was what
originally inspired the poem I included earlier2 '@ld <riend'. 3hat was perhaps one of the few,
or even the only time I experienced the Stardrive while being consciously aware that it was also a
pleasure. It was usually the pain that was stronger and what I most closely associated with it.
+fter that shock, there were more visits to the soccer field for awhile with the painful
aspect not as pronounced. I always experienced the Stardrive when I went to the soccer field,
but I have no general idea of how often I did visit it or for how many times during my *( year
stay at the .ollege, so I am not sure whether I can say that my Stardrive was forgotten at college.
It may have only been an accepted part of my life which I contemplated on nights that I went
stargazing and perhaps at other times. I know that I went to the soccer field many times while I
was there, and that always left reluctantly. I know that any unusually sharp experiences I
remember more clearly, but that is all.
I had to take calculus and physics after graduation in order to go on to the next step
towards becoming an astronaut. 4hen I was not doing well in either class and had to make the
choice to drop physics, my Stardrive was essentially buried.
<rom there any appearances by my Stardrive were painful, less often, and less fresh and
sharp. 4hen I did experience the Stardrive, I was usually remembering and5or trying hard to
figure it out. Something that would make sense of that burning longing and having to abandon
it. I was more interested in forgetting the Stardrive if its fulfillment was beyond my ability to
even get near.
3hen, when the movie +pollo / came out, of course I went and as the credits rolled by at
the end I was surprised and ambushed again by a fresh, agonizing dose of Stardrive. It was
around that time that, more out of desperation than anything else, I once again half(heartedly
attacked the Stardrive, tying to figure it out, even going so far as to attempt a plan at a vacation
to see .ape .anaveral and the Fennedy Space .enter it get rid of and answer that burning pain
that refused to be satisfied or lost. It always seemed that, $ust after I%d explained the longing
away that I%d look back on it and5or experience the Stardrive once more and find that, right or
wrong, I was inaccurate as to an explanation for my Stardrive. I finally had it explained away
and thenE '6@@&' I%d discover I had only fooled myself on it. I could never truly forget my
Stardrive though2 and as it ate through the unconscious regions of my mind repeatedly, I let it
torment me briefly each time, till the answer fell through, even as a heavy ob$ect eventually falls
through thin ice when dropped repeatedly.
In reality, what I now know to have occurred on that night so long ago was vastly
different from the story I told, even though it is, at the same time, still the same story. 3wice
#od confirmed it for me so as to confirm the truth he would reveal to me at a later time. I did
not believe what was revealed to me at those times, because it was not witnessed to my heart2 I
filed away the information in a safe place so that if at a later time it became significant I would
have it ready and at my disposal.
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3hat night of song and stargazing so long ago was indeed the beginning of the longing
which so ruled my life. 3he revelation began when, in !!", I was musing to one of my good
friends from back in Fansas about the old desire2 what it was, and whether it would ever be
satisfied. 4e began to discuss the vastness of #od and how the vast reaches of outer space are
so easy to relate to the vastness of #od. ;ow ;e is so vast that we cannot comprehend. 3hat got
me thinking about the idea of trying to comprehend something that is incomprehendable.
3hen he turned the conversation in a way that I feel got through to my understanding
and spirit in the same way that a stick can sometimes not be broken completely until it is bent in
the opposite direction. ;e mused about how it can be $ust as awe inspiring to go the opposite
direction to see #od%s vastness2 the variety of nature on earth, animals, the way the human body
is put together and how it works, cells, the atom and its parts.
3hroughout this conversation I was beginning to sense the truth2 perhaps the
unanswerable would actually be answered& 3he truth had broken through, and I was floored by
it. 9ow an adult reminiscing on a memory of childhood, I saw things that I had never before
seen in the memory, yet somehow had always been there. I knew, and was amazed.
@n that night so long ago I had in some way witnessed the vastness of #od, or what I am
sure was only a small portion of the vastness of #od. I looked up into the night sky, and
somehow #od subtly yet bluntly revealed himself to me as I gazed up at the incredible beauty
and vast number of stars. I witnessed the vastness of ;is ma$esty and glory and instantly fell in
love.
3he temptation to take the term %fell in love% lightly, is great2 do not do so. 3he term
%love% and the concept of %falling in love% is so overused it has now become a clichH. ;owever,
there is no other term which fits here. I mean it in its deepest sense. ,Do remember, I had long
since been born again.-
3he aspect of this which so amazes me every time I think of it is my reaction to it and the
fact that it was instantaneous. Instantly I fell so totally in love with #od that I committed
everything that I was to ;im right then and there. I would do anything for him, and would do
anything $ust to be near ;is awesome person. Anything. 4ithout knowing what ;e would ask.
,Instantaneous, total commitment to do anything for ;im without any thought whatsoever of
what ;e might ask of me, and a love and connection to ;im that ran, and still runs, deeper than
anything else about me.- It is a commitment which has lasted with the same intensity as the
first 3@ 3;IS D+I& It will last as long as I live.
It would be quite easy to say that I am in some way reading more into all of this. 3here
was no 'vision' and no external or sensory evidence that my night of stargazing was anything
out of the ordinary. +ll this happened when I was in $unior high, for 8ete%s sake& ;ow could I
have possibly have gotten all that out of a *(year(old memory? +nd how can I realize that all
this happened, as a child when I was never even consciously aware of it as a child?
9othing will ever convince me of that. I know what the truth is. +nd besides, my life is
the evidence that this is the truth. I chased a false dream for 12 years, not knowing why I did
so. My entire life was changed and directed by the longing to get back to that experience. So, no
matter how incredible, it really did happen. My Starcall was love at first sight, and the pain of
separation from that awe drastically changed the direction of my life from that day forward.
:ven today, *J in reviewing my original Starcall of Joy, written in early !!K, in order
to adapt it to a more condensed explanation of my Starcall and it>s potent effect on my life, I
found that I have even more insight into my Starcall, Stardrive, and it>s effect on my life)much
more than I did back in !!K.
My Starcall was not a defining moment of my life, it was 3;: defining moment of my
life. It has been the driving force, the deepest, truest, most potent part of who I am. It is the
defining moment of who I was in the past, who I became2 of who I am, who I continue to be2 and
even the defining moment of who I will be for the rest of my life. <or nothing can ever approach
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the profound impact that this #od(given Starcall has had on my life. Nothing can ever be a
deeper part of who I am, of who I am driven to be.
Destiny Call
By ouisa Ann !uethrich
Written circa 1996-98
Origin: an earlier poem of mine named Starcall
+ young woman, high school graduation2
after commencement, a clear, dark sky.
+ reminder of an earlier call, years ago.
Stars, calling me, a call of destiny.
Stars, calling me2
ever calling me.
It was simple back then.
So simple2
star call, star drive, dream reality.
3hat was how it was supposed to go.
Stars, millions of them, bright and clear2
calling me.
Stars, driving me, calling me
onward, upward2 a mysterious call.
Star call, driving me on.
Stars
so near, yet so far away.
+gony.
3he agony of time and impossibility.
7egrets, what ifs
Still, the stardrive is there.
1ord, I don%t understand&
Stars, calling me2
will I ever understand?
4ill I ever achieve it,
stardrive?
Stardrive, incessant.
+ call impossible to ignore once recognized.
Stars, calling me.
Stardrive
My stardrive.
@nce more in an open field
a dream world all her own
wind blowing, moon shining.
'9o, MI stardrive,' the quiet whisper comes
surprising me. 1ord?
'I created you, I love you.
I gave you the stardrive, for my own
purposes.'
Stars, calling me.
I must $oin them& 3here is no other way&
1ord? 3he twinge suddenly reminds
'It is me you are seeking a closeness to.
1isten&
.alling me, calling me.
9o closeness is close enough to satisfy.
.loser, closer, I must get closer&
.loser to #od.
#od. Stardrive.
My stardrive. 9o, #od%s stardrive.
Lnderstanding isn%t needed,
#od will tell me In time.
+ woman, a wide open field
stars, millions of them, calling me.
.alling me, calling me.
Stars, bright and clear,
a call impossible to ignore once recognized.
Stars, calling me.
#od, calling me.
It is a call of destiny.
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