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Alisa Edwards
English 2010
Sarah Orme
11-6-2014
Position Argument

Domestic violence (noun): violent or aggressive behavior within the home, typically
involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner.
Domestic violence isnt just physical abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse are just
as harmful. Each year, there is an estimated 960,000 domestic violence incidents. Of those
victims, 85% are women, and 15% are men (www.statisticbrain.com). These are just the
incidents that are reported. Many victims suffer in silence, sometimes their entire lives.
Countless victims feel alone, or that no one will understand their situation. Along with those
victims, are family and friends that are either very aware of what is going on, or have no idea at

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all. Family and friends can be an important part in getting the victim help. They just need the
right tools. There are also professionals within the community that can assist these victims.
They include: healthcare professionals, law enforcement, victim advocates, and other social work
professionals. Most professionals are trained regularly on domestic violence, as it continuously
evolves. That is why I want to focus on the victims, and the family and friends of victims. If a
victim has a good support system, the chances of getting out of a violent situation increases.
Added support can give the victim the strength and courage to stand up.
One issue that victims face is no one understands why they continue to stay. Several
people believe that it is easy to walk away. This just isnt the case. There are many reasons that
a victim will stay with their abuser. Some examples are: fear, religion, isolation, and children. I
will briefly give detail for each of these examples.
FEAR
A woman is at most risk of being seriously injured or killed in the six months after she
leaves than at any other time in the relationship. (Weiss, Elaine p. 25). Time and time again,
victims are threatened with their lives if they leave. A victim is more likely to leave if they have
a safe place to go. A victim constantly struggles with feeling safe, even in their own home. So if
there is any threat of unsafety on top of what they already struggle with, they are not going to
leave.
Another fear victims have, is not being able to make it on their own. Many times the
abuser has broken them down so much, the victim actually believes that they arent capable of
taking care of themselves or anyone else. Something else that may factor into not be able to
make it on their own, is lack of skills. An abuser will isolate and control a victim so much, that

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they are unable to obtain skills of independence. For example, the abuser may have control over
the bank account, finances, and bills. An abuser may also isolate the victim to the home. There
are many cases where a victim cant even go to the grocery store without their abuser.
RELIGION
Although no major religion condones violence, many abusers will twist and contort
doctrine to justify violence. For example, they may say, The lord commands a wife to be a
servant to her husband. The victim will then think, If the lord is commanding it, then I must
serve my husband no matter what. For a victim who is not only dedicated to their faith, but also
believing everything their abuser tells them, this can be a huge reason victims dont leave. Some
religions do not condone divorce. Victims will stay because of their commitment to their
religion, and not wanting to disappoint God.
Victims may also stay because they are worried they will be cast out of their religious
group. People within their congregation may treat them differently. The victim may worry that
they will no longer be accepted in the congregation. The victim may also be receiving advice
from their clergy telling them to pray and stay. This puts the victim in a tough situation,
especially if the victim values their clergys opinion.
CHILDREN
In most cases, the victim and the abuser have children together. The victim may not want
to disrupt their childrens lives by relocating. Threats of a nasty custody battle may convince a
victim to stay. Another misconception that victims have is that it is better for the children to have
both parents living together. The victim fears that the emotional damage of a parent leaving will
be too much for the children. They believe that is much worse than a child witnessing abuse on a

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daily basis. In actuality, it is better for a child to be raised by a single parent than to witness
violence regularly. The emotional damage a child suffers from watching abuse can be lifelong.
It can continue to affect them well into adulthood. It can put strain on all of their relationships,
including their spouse, friends, and even their own children.
A victim may also worry that the children will not be safe alone with the abuser if the
victim leaves. An abuser may also threaten to kidnap the children and take them far away so the
victim will never be able to see them again.
ISOLATION
Countless victims are isolated whether they realize it or not. An abuser will do
everything they can to separate a victim from family and friends. This includes forbidding the
victim to leave the house, who they see, and controlling finances. The abuser may even
manipulate the victim into thinking that they really dont need to visit with family and friends.
There have been cases where an abuser will tell the victim lies about the way family and friends
really feel about the victim. For example the abuser might say, Your sister is always judging
you and telling you how to live your life. She even told me she is disappointed in you. You
dont want to be around her do you? The victim will easily believe that because of the constant
verbal beat downs they are receiving on a daily basis. In a way, the victim starts to believe that
the only one that can keep them safe is their abuser. In a twisted way, the victim feels that the
one who is hurting them the most, is the only one who can protect them.

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It is important to point out these reasons why a victim stays with an abuser.
Understanding some of the obstacles a victim faces, can be beneficial for friends and family.
Many loved ones want to help the victim but dont know how.
One of the first steps is understanding the signs of an abusive relationship. Many victims
dont even realize they are in an abusive relationship, especially if they grew up with domestic
violence. Typical signs of an abusive relationship are:

Fear of their partner

Checking in often with their partner

Being restricted from family friends

Wearing long clothing even in warm

weather

Limited financial access

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Frequent injuries, claiming they were

accidents

Becomes anxious, depressed, or

suicidal

This is where friend and family support is so important. Victims dont realize the strength
and power they have in the relationship. Supportive family and friends with the right approach,
can help a victim see the strength inside themselves. How does a friend or family member
approach someone they believe is being abused? According to abuseintervention.org, here are a
few dos and donts:
DO

Approach the victim in a safe,

confidential place

Take time to listen

Let them know the abuse is not

DONT

choices

their fault

Judge or criticize the victims

Try to be the expert. Instead direct

them to professionals who can help

Let them know you dont think they

Judge or criticize the abuser

are crazy

Pressure them to leave the

Respect their wishes

Go at the victims pace

relationship

The right approach can make all the difference in the world. If a victim feels safe and they
can trust you, they will be more open to receiving help. The most important thing to remember
is to respect the victim and their decisions. Although, it can be frustrating for friends and family

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when a victim chooses to stay with the abuser. A victim needs support no matter how a friend or
family member feels about the victims choices.
After the first conversation, and identifying an issue, the next step is to come up with a safety
plan. A safety plan is important, whether the victim decides to stay with or leave the abuser.
Victims advocates and domestic violence shelters can help the victim create an individual safety
plan. Every safety plan is different because every situation is different. Safety plans can include
establishing a safe place to go during a violent incident, installing motion-sensitive lighting,
alerting the school and childcare providers, and keeping important items (birth certificates, keys,
medication, credit cards, etc.) together in a safe place.

If a victim decides to leave the abuser, the process is long and hard. Many victims will give
up if faced with an obstacle. As it has been mentioned before, continuous support is so
important. Remember to be a good listener, and help carry the victim in situations where extra
strength is needed. This could be helping the victim fill out paperwork, watching children while
the victim is in court, or just simply being present while the victim calls a hotline or victims
advocate. It is also important to let the victim do as much for themselves as they can. This helps
to empower the victim, and they can recognize their inner strength.
In conclusion, the support of family and friends is crucial when helping a victim of domestic
violence. A victim typically is isolated from friends and family, and often believes their loved

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ones dont want to be a part of their lives. Abusers manipulate and can make the victim believe
anything. So if a loved one shows a victim that they support them no matter what, the victim can
build the strength they need to make important decisions. Without support, the situation could
get worse, even deadly. It is better for a victim to know they have people who care about them,
then to feel even more isolated and alone.

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WORKS CITED

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2014.
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Weiss, Elaine. Family & Friends' Guide to Domestic Violence: How to Listen, Talk, and Take Action
When Someone You Care about Is Being Abused. Volcano, CA: Volcano, 2003. Print.
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