It is the fool who thinks he cannot be fooled.

- Joey Skaggs

The Foggy Mirror

www.TheUnfilteredLens.com

Serving The CCRI Student Body Since... like forever

April 2, 2015
Volume 12
Issue 6

Tell.ufl@gmail.com

A moderate Drunkin Donuts

proposal

Fetal workforce development

Jack Rinaldi
Confidential
Informant

For the past few
months our sister publication, The Unfiltered Lens
has been trying to get further information on Rhode
Islands plans to build new
facilities that will be research
hubs for product development called the Rhode Island Innovation Institute.

In these institutions
colleges will be paired with
local businesses in order to
bring new jobs to our community. Bussinesses will create their own curriculums
in order to train future employees.

It sounds like a good
idea but then we heard of
plans to turn CCRI into a
work force development,
tailoring curricula for training programs and restricting
students into taking certificate courses to learn specific
skills for certain jobs.

This new proposal sounds like it will slowly
eliminate Liberal Arts and
turn CCRI students into a
commodity and turn CCRI
into a center devoted to
pumping out a slew of dedicated workers whose education and curricula will be
designed by businesses.

So far The Unfiltered Lens has not been successful in getting in touch
with any state officials. So
they asked us here at The
Foggy Mirror for help.

n
P2
P3
P4
P6
P9
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Their research revealed a disturbing aspect
of these plans. The state
is going beyond colleges
to find students to join the
workforce.

Rhode Island is actually going to begin by prohibiting abortions in order
to send the infants to facilities where they will slowly be
trained for certain jobs depending on how their pregnant mothers performed on
a job placement test.

If that plan doesnt
work, they have arranged
to have businesses connect
with preschools and grade
schools in order to reach
students who are more pliable than college students.

Rhode Island believes that by targeting
younger more curious students it will be easier to
pursued and motivate the
idea of working instead of
achieving a silly and farfetched idea of getting an
actual education that will
lead to a credible degree
and then later into a career.

Now that Rhode Island politicians are going to
back off slightly from colleges and focus more on getting children to work for the
state.

You wont have to
worry about going to your
local coffee shop and getting your delicious cup of
joe from your favorite barista because he or she will still
be there.

This
Issue

Government project
Cats on campus
Theyre watching you pee
Life is but a dream
Classiest of classes
Guest Professor

Dale Griffith
Coffee
Connoisseur

For those who like to
add a little something extra
to their coffee, the most notorious coffee conglomerate
around announced today
that it will be partnering
with Pernod Ricard.

This large company,
based in France, is responsible for the distribution
of brands such as Kahlua,
Jameson, Absolut, Malibu
and more.

Starting April first,
customers with valid photo
identification will be able to
order alcohol infused beverages in Rhode Island and
Massachusetts. This controversial decision was made
after a gradual decline in
business over the last several
years.

The companys regional VP of public relations was quoted saying All
these small coffee shops are
killing us. They have bet-

ter coffee and better atmosphere. Its like customers

all of a sudden care about
quality!

Small coffee houses and the still-growing
Brewed Awakenings Franchise have been cutting
deeply into the profits of the
coffee goliath, leaving them
searching for ways to get its
customers to return. After
several attempts to entice
clientele with bacon covered
confections, the macchiato
monster may have finally hit
the nail on the head.

After careful consideration they have decided to add a new spirits infused lineup. With names
like Drunkaccino, Jameson
Java and the Malibu Macchiato, the company may be
on their way to winning us
back.

The Mirror was
able to get in touch with
one of the companys highest officials who stated, We
thought for a while about
just making the coffee better

Social Whats in
media your water
classes Why you should be worried
Page 2

Page 4

or not using low quality bagels and fake eggs, but this
seemed easier.

When one takes into
account that alcohol makes
even the cheapest of foods
far more palatable, increasing product quality may not
even be necessary. Why
make the food taste better
when you can just get the
customer drunk enough not
to care?

In accordance with
federal law, all customers
who wish to purchase an
alcoholic beverage must be
a minimum of 21 years old.
For the first month of the
new menu, several different
discounts will also be available.

Most notable among
these is a twenty percent discount to anyone who brings
in a student ID or AA chip.

So, to all those who
dont care about high quality food and atmosphere and
just want to get drunk, stop
in at your local Drunkin today!

Beiber movie
debut
Page 11
@ccriunfiltered
/unfilteredlens

Campus

The Foggy Mirror

Robots in disguise

Davis Blackthorn
Contributing
Writer

It has been reported that the government has
funded a whopping 2.8 billion dollars for a newly created program in the Pentagon. The program has been
code named Trojan Horse.

The purpose of the
project is to create vehicles and devices capable of
transforming into working
humanoid robots.

These transformers are intended to help
and in a variety of aspects
and to replace soldiers on
the front lines in the heat of
battle.

The program is being led by a first class team
of researchers from the top
three engineering schools of
MIT, Stanford, and Berkeley.

One of the leaders
was quoted to have stated
The Trojan horse program
will be a most innovative
program that will aid the
military in its tour of duties.

Likewise, the government has stated that
the program is in the early
stages but will be funded for
15 years. Furthermore, the
chief of staff has mandated
that engineers not remove
any files from the facilities in
fear of a breach in the pro-

gram.

Nevertheless, these
robots will not only be killing machines but will also
be highly informative in
breaching enemy technologies to aid in destroying the
enemy.

Moreover, they will
also be surgically capable
machines with the most high
tech devices in the medical
field. It has been reported
that the federal government
has based the program out
of area 51.

Hence, civilians are
not allowed on the premise
in fear of a breach in the
program.

However, my colleagues and I were given the

opportunity to observe the

program in its early stages.
The early stage is known as
the research era.

While touring the
program most of the technology was kept under
wraps. We were thankfully
able to witness a boombox
capable of shifting its shape
into an automaton capable
of defusing IEDs.

The two foot tall creation was even able to speak
with only a slight electronic
timbre.

In conclusion, the
Trojan program seems to be
the up and coming addition
to our military capabilities.

The rapid development of this project forces

us to ask, is there a chance

that these auto robots
could end up being in the
American society?

We as civilians must
wait and see if they eventually end up available for
public use. Perhaps in a few
years our cell phones will
be able to turn into small
robotic sidekicks, capable
of fetching a soda from the
fridge while we sit lazily on
the couch.

One is also forced to
ask whether or not the nation see a rise in technophobia because of the newly
initiated program?

Facebook 101 and more

Theodore Twombly
Rogue Scholar

Courses for the fall
semester are available now
for viewing on our school's
website, but not all of the
new course selection classes have been included. The
new classes that have just
been added are all focused
on social media, helping
students to become masters
of all the social networks.
Classes included are

Instant Messenger Jargon: This course
focuses on the texting process: planning, organizing,
and developing unique text
messages. Course activities will help students know
when, where, and how to
use text acronyms such as
lol, omg, and idgaf. The
class will also teach students
conversational skills by only

using emojis.

Nude Selfie Aesthetics: in which students
will learn how to take better
photos of themselves by getting the best angle, choosing
the best filter, and deciding
on which pose or facial expression to use in their selfies.

Short and Sweet
The Perfect tweet: This
course has been designed
to help students maximize
their effectiveness on twitter
and enhance not only their
entire college experience
but also their social media
awareness.

Students will develop critical thinking, reading
and writing skills; acquire
valuable strategies for analyzing twitter content and
for expressing themselves
more openly and effectively; improve their tweets and

learn to make connections

between other networks.

Safe Sexting: this
course prepares students
for the popular, convenient,
and exciting world of x-rated texts. The class will help
students decide whether to
include photos with their
text, show students how to
properly delete history from
their phones, and how to
know if you can trust your
texting partner.

Facebook
101:
This is an introductory
course presenting a description and analysis of
the structure and dynamics
of human society through
Facebook. It focuses on how
to post or update your status, friend relations, social
change, and privacy settings.

Timehop:
connecting your apps and re-

member the past: this class

will help you celebrate the
best moments of your past
with your friends and fellow students. Classes will be
held on Memory Mondays,
Transformation Tuesdays,
Way back Wednesdays,
Throwback Thursday and
on Flashback Fridays.

View My Video:
This course is an introduction to the use of video as
a form of artistic expression
and visual communication.
Students will learn about
structure, form, rhythm and
pace.

Students will create
six second Vine videos, ten
second Snapchat videos,
fifteen second Instagram
videos, and will complete
the course with five minute
YouTube videos. Students
will produce videos that
explore the relationship of

subject, form and content.

Instantly Sharing
Telegrams: This course is
an introduction to the technique of Instagram photography and its use as a form
of artistic expression and
visual communication.

The course covers
the simple way to capture
and share worlds moments
through images. Students
learn how to enhance, correct and manipulate their
images using the most current industry standard photo editing programs.
Although
these
classes will not help students
to actually have an active
social life or help them convey a personal conversation
with another human being,
they will however drain any
intelligence that student
may have had one click at a
time.

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Transfer information: www.quinnipiac.edu/transfer

CampNews

Campus cat centers

Earl Wilberforce
Cat Wrangler
I can't wait for this. I
have been waiting for this
since, like, forever! An eager student states a group of
students gather outside the
entrance to what looks like
a cat funhouse. It is a great
place for the students to relax and enjoy themselves.
This
statement
came from the director and
visionary behind the center John LeMonte. These
cat petting centers will be
a place for all students to
get away from the stresses of college life. It would
appear that he has a valid
point; LeMonte has opened
ten different animal petting
centers around the globe
with five more being opened
in the United States.

He states that he received the idea when he was
in Japan twenty years ago on
business. I remember being very stressed about work
to the point where I could

The Foggy Mirror

not focus. This is when a

business partner showed me
one of these centers. The
rest, as they say, is history. I
was hooked!

I could not stop going into the center and petting the cats and kittens,
and in addition, I felt so re-

laxed! LeMonte then took

his idea to Europe where
introduced different animals such as dogs, hamsters,
guinea pigs, various farm
animals, and many different
types of snakes and lizards
as well.

I wanted a wide

variety of animals for the

different tastes that people have...and so far, it has
worked.

I hope this works
out very well states LeMonte as the group begins to
grow. It is the soft opening
of the first cat petting center at CCRI or the first in
Rhode Island for that matter. This is a very important day for Rhode Island
and for CCRI.

I hope that once this
opens here at the Knight
Campus, that the other
campuses will want to open
centers too! It would seem
that it may go in that direction with growing interest in
the center.

The soft opening
will go on from April 1st to
May 18th with its official
opening to be on September
2nd. The petting center can
be found in the round building of the Knight Campus
on the third floor. Just look
for the door with the two
Lucky Cat statues.

EDITORIAL
STAFF
Jerry Seinfeld
Editor-in-Chief
Elaine Benes
Managing Editor
George Costanza
Copy Editor
Cosmo Kramer
National and World
Sue Ellen Mischke
Health and Science
Susan Ross
Op-ed
David Puddy
Arts and Entertainment

Staff Writers
George Steinbrenner
Lloyd Braun
Kenny Bania
Jacopo Peterman
Tim Whatley
Estelle Costanza
John Germaine

Staff Artist
Morty Seinfeld

Contributing Writers
Fred Yerkes
Todd Gack
Jackie Chiles
Yev Kassem
Mickey Abbott
Jack Klompus
Art Vandalay
The overall mission of The
Foggy Mirror is to confuse
our readers and disregard
the quality of student life
at the Community College
of Rhode Island. We strive
to accomplish this standard
by reporting bullshit and
writing pseudo-truths in an
unethical and irresponsible
fashion that darkens the
entire college community,
while providing false information in an varnished
manner that seeks callous
responses, dialogue and, of
course, action. We dont really understand why serving
students is even an objective
and recognize the impact
and, less importantly, the
importance of this endeavor. Please remember that
most of what we write is utter nonsense. We dont care
about the news, integrity, or
more importantly you.

Newman!

Faculty Advisor

Official Member
Journalism Association of
Community Colleges
Since 2010

Official Member
College Media Association
Since 2011

Just so you know, this is still a real ad... and a great deal.

Official Member
Student Press Law Center
Since 2010

The Foggy Mirror

Nioal News

Water contamination in RI

Dr. Spencer Reid

Behavioral Analyst

The 2014 2015
winter season left much of
New England buried under record setting snow totals. Official totals from T.F.
Green Airport in Warwick

Rhode Island even
reached 75.1 inches of
snow while the surrounding
areas of Worcester and Boston Massachusetts received
116.8 and 108.6 inches respectively.

Rhode Island officials report that, by the end
of their clean up efforts, the
Department of Transportation will have used up all
$14 million allocated for
snow removal and the vast
majority of their salt reserve.

But the snowfall
has caused a rise in more
than just debt levels. New

Englanders have another

concern that most officials
are ignoring entirely - Dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO)
overexposure.

Melting snow has
been rapidly raising levels
of dihydrogen monoxide in
our reservoirs and streams.

Since the beginning of time, Dihydrogen
monoxide, less commonly
known as hydric acid, has
been one of the most dangerous chemicals known to
mankind.

Due to the blatant
ignorance shared among
most government and law
officials, the Dihydrogen
Monoxide Research Division was formed in 1997.

The DMRD has
been working tirelessly to
provide the general public
with the facts and information they deserve to know.

In 1988, the Coali-

tion to Ban DHMO pitched

a petition entitled Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide. Unfortunately, the Coalition
reports, The American
government has [since] refused to ban the production,
distribution, or use of this
damaging chemical due to
its importance to the economic health of this nation.
Surprisingly,
the
government has chosen
economic growth over the
safety of Americans everywhere. The truth is, Dihydrogen Monoxide affects
every single human being.

DHMO is a silent
killer; it is odorless, colorless, and even tasteless. This
makes accidental contamination almost impossible to
detect.

Perhaps the most
dangerous
affects
of
DHMO are its addictive

properties. Sadly, DHMO

addiction becomes so severe
that withdrawing from the
chemical will most certainly lead to death in 100% of
cases.

If you or someone
you know is suffering from
DHMO dependency, it was
nice knowing you.

Where can Dihydrogen Monoxide be found,
you ask? Nearly everywhere! The DMRD reports that DHMO has been
found in: nuclear power
plants, the production of
styrofoam, pesticides, certain food products, and in
tumor cells extracted from
terminal cancer patients.

It also contributes to
natural landscape erosion,
corrosion and rusting of
many metals, and may even
cause severe burns.

Education is the first
step we must all take in Di-

hydrogen Monoxide awareness. It is imperative that

information, statistics, and
facts are shared among individuals.

The incorporation
of DHMO criteria in every school system nationwide must be implemented.
There is still time to act!

For more information, visit dhmo.org. Together, we can stop this
global epidemic before it
takes the lives of more innocent people. The future
of our planet and humanity
depends on it.

Butt dial denial Genital examination

Danielle Cordoroy
Staff Writer

Although accidentally calling a contact from a
smartphone is not the exclusive work of hind-quarters ,
butt-dialing is the accepted term for the act. Circumnavigating the growing demand for emoji characters
representing red heads and
bearded folk, the creative
minds at Apple have developed new cartoons which
will express that a recent call
from a sender was accidental: the butt-dial emoji.

The expressive faces
of emojis have personified
fruits and vegetables and all
number of animals and now
will be featured on butts.
These emojis go beyond
depicting an emotion for
the sender (who inserts the
faces into a text messages
after downloading them) to
signifying that a recent call
from the sender should be
disregarded..

While this emoji
wont help to end the plague
that is butt dialing, it will
hopefully help to make the
experience less confusing.
Unintentional phone calls
induce emotional responses
ranging from embarrass-

ment to anger. Usually the

butt-dialed-contact calls the
butt-dialer back and the two
waste time trudging through
a strained conversation.

We have all spent
time dealing with the confusion of someone calling you
and rightly claiming that
they received a call from
you. The call they refer to
is one you never remember
making. The thirty second
argument about whether or
not you made a call is time
totally wasted.

Now, if the butt-dialer notices an accidental
call made in their phone
log, he or she can avoid an
awkward exchange by sending a butt-emoji with the
butt-face that best expresses
the way that the caller feels
about the accidental phone
call.

This revolutionary
development has taken the
cellular world by storm.
Ideas have been flying about
what new emojis should
be made. If you have any
ideas for emojis contact the
apple support line and pass
it along. Rumor has it that
any ideas that end up being
used will come with a one
thousand dollar reward.

Richard Morehead
Private Dick

You may have noticed the installation of four
surveillance cameras in the
cafeteria, along with stickers on all entrance doors
displaying the fact that the
building is now under surveillance.

While many may
have heard that there are
plans in place to expand the
installation of surveillance
cameras to cover all of the
campuses, most are likely
unaware of the proposal
of installing cameras in the
men's bathrooms.

Taking an initiative
in insulating us in unrealistically compartmentalized
environments, it has been
decided that cameras will
be installed in the urinals to
identify circumcised males.

Using technology
developed for use in Google's self-driving cars, the
cameras will not only be
able to recognize whether
the person is circumcised
or not, but calculate the
length, angle of lateral and
longitudinal curvature, and
average time to complete
urination.

Urinal cameras
This
information
will be recorded to a central
database that ties it to the
urinator by using x-rays to
read the student's school ID
card, license, or other government-issued ID. This information will be available
to access for all faculty, from
cafeteria workers to janitors
and even the President himself. He was not available
for comment.

What was the exact
reasoning for the installation
of these cameras? Through
research, I have discovered
that the decision came as a
result of psychological studies that had shown circumcised males were more likely
to commit violent crimes.

Faculty wanted to
make sure their students

felt safe around circumcised

men. Along with recording the part of the school
they're pointed at, every
camera will emit x-rays to
look for males that had been
identified as circumcised,
and when they walk into the
camera's view, these sections
will be flagged as such and
never deleted, even if recording space runs out.

This
extreme
breach of privacy was done
for the safety of the students
and faculty, but do you really feel safer knowing that the
intricacies of your genitalia
are recorded in a database
where the information will
never be deleted? Speak
out against this invasion into
your pants!

World News

The Foggy Mirror

A Sinsere apahlogy form The Unfiltered Lense

A. Apologe
Copy Director
Unfliltered Lens

Its has come to the
attention of the Unfiltered
Lense that their are a few
more or less than multiple
misspellings in are paper released every other weak. We
formelly apologise for the
inconveiniences and the distraktions caused by the poor
grammour.

We at the paper due
our best too appeal two students, as well as faculty at
CCRI. We understand that
these mistaques ocasionely
distort what we aim to get
across in these articals.

Which we are sure
people reed for the actual

content and not just to find

speling erors to complane
about to the paper.

For example if we
where to actuelly dew our
jobs corectly, every article
would be perfectly free of
gramaticle errors and we
would always reech our audience with flying colours
however sum of us have
familys and jobs and scool
work and aspirations in life
other then critiquing the
spelling of our fellow student writers.

Irregardless, the imput from students who will
diligentally pick apart articels to tell us how badly
weve have haynusly fucked
up is very much appreciated and what we as people

who spend hours on a single

article love more than anything is wonderfool people
telling us aboot our spelling
errors but have no comment
on the actual content of the
articles with such egregus
speling errors. Fourgotten
apostrophies and the wrong
form of youre are truely the
bane of society.

We give these dilligent students the upmost
respect, and, in, fact, we revere the absolute shot out of
them-similarly to how the
world reveres people who
condescend and mistreat
waiters because they forgot
to bring them a side of mustard, or the people who argue with retale workers over

the price of the clothes to

which neither party has any
say in.

Its is thanks to these
brave men and women that
peoples lives are grately improved and four that we saloot you.

We hear at the paper
promis to make a full 360
degree about this ishu, and
promis to only bring you the
best of the worst typos and
isuses from now own. We
ask for your forgivness and
pashence in the mean time
as we atempt to get are acts
together.

Thanks you for
youre continud persistance
on the isuse: of spelling erorrs. We look forward to
hereing frum you sun.

Disney on thin ice

The megolithic company makes up for past mistakes

Walter Hebrue
Proud Druid

After years of anti-semitic rumors caused
by founder Walter Elias,
the Disney corporation has
finally decided to put the
disparaging idea of its own
bigotry to bed.

That is why this
summer, they will be producing a remake of Beauty
and The Beast, emphasizing The Beasts Jewish heritage.

While the original
film was set in France, the
reimagination of the classic
is slated to be set in Jerusalem. This live action/CGI
reiteration of the film will
contain a revolutionary, all

Jewish cast.

Not only is Disney

Stars that have al- changing the location of the
ready signed on to take part town in the film, but they
in the film include Natalie are going the extra mile to
Portman as Belle, Rashida rework the classic song, Be
Jones as Mrs. Potts, Jake Our Guest, to include only
Gyllenhaal as The Beast, kosher dining options.

The song now inand James Franco as Jack.

Disney hopes that cludes not only ritually
with the making of this proper choices, but explains
film, they will finally put the to children the complicated
damaging aspersions of dis- rules of dining with kashrut
crimination to bed. Gaston regulations in mind.
Cogsworth, Disneys officer
We just want peoof public relations, is on ple to know that we as a
the record saying, We are company, can evolve says
tired of shows like Family Cogsworth. Our compaGuy mocking us and imply- nies founder may have been
ing that we hate the Jews. I an outspoken, anti-semitic,
mean, sure, we arent their power hungry, ultra-conbiggest fan, but I doubt they servative alcoholic, but that
are going anywhere, so we doesnt mean we are.

Just to prove this
all have to get along.

point, Disney has let us in

on several other ideas they
have in the works to gain
a more beneficial public
appearance. We already
have a black princess says
Cogsworth, Now we are
going to tackle the gays

Thats right, Disney
is going to be creating a new
movie featuring a gay love
story. The main character,
a young handsome prince
and second son of the king
is set to take part in an arranged marriage to a princess.
Tragically,
before
the ceremony, a plague takes
his family from the world.
forcing him to take on the
role of leadership. The pestilence will begin to ravage

the young monarchs kingdom, forcing him to travel

far and wide for a cure.

According to Cogsworth, He is going to find
his true love, you know
with a dude. Even we can be
progressive. Even if it does
creep most of us out.

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The Foggy Mirror

Health

How lucky we all are...

A tale told by an idiot

According to Commander Publius Ovidius
Purcellus, a new approach
to student apathy is about
to be rolling over CCRI faculty. Contacted at his palatial palazzo, he refused to
answer any questions but
released the following statement:

There is no will in
free choice. The state knows
what's best for job creation.
We will give you the future
we plan for you. What's a
little conditioning without
positive reinforcement?

This piqued the curiosity of The Mirror so
we sent our roving reporter
to gather moss on a rolling
stone.

In a recent interview
with P.R. Deltoid (Chief
Extinguishing Officer), all
current and future customers will be summarily given
a dose of Karova Bar milkplus through injection three
times a day to accommodate the staja-block scheduling of stimulating offerings
of vellocet, synthmesc, and
drencrom cohort laced instruction.

"The college is look-

ing to guide the right and

only pathway for the incorrigible", stated Deltoid. "We
need lawful execution of
certain educating principles
for those who dissent, those
civil liberty types who want
freedom to choose."

With recent new
course offerings like the
Readings of Geoffrey Plautus and the Misadventure
of Odysseus Choerilus,
CCRI now plans to purge
the pages of subversive literature, replacing such filth
with higher ethical standards, by selling out student
learning for manufactured,
state-funded class separation.

"The manufacturing center wants to impose
what the customer needs
to know", uttered Ms. Serena Joy (spokesperson for
Purcellus). "You see, Econo
Education is giving the customer base what they need.
State government supplies
the proper conditioning appropriate to a mechanical
creation not a critical thinker. No, no more of those
types here. We've conducted
studies producing toilet paper reams of useless data.
Well, actually it's just one
study and we got no further

than that."

In addition to the
one state funded cherry
pick, CCRI administration
is expanding curricula, possibly including complacent
faculty-driven
restriction
oriented pedagogy.

This novel approach
is taking shape where certain faculty will begin indoctrinating the clockworks into
their ruling ideology where
rebellion is not tolerated,
but complete subservience
is rewarded with hours of
Ludwig Van's glorious ninth
yawping from the highest
reverberating fourth floor
chamber.

The Mirror has
learned this new advance
on tamping down activism
is labeled Ludivico Technique. The underlying effect
is to ensure critical thinking
is eviscerated through a behavior model of aversion
therapy called STEM.

The student learner
(as originally labeled many
years ago) is given heavy
doses of humanities instruction while being injected
with STEM. Doing so will
gradually make the student
learner nauseous. The more
philosophy, literature, and
history prescribed the more

The Messenger
That voice in your head


You need to wake
up! Please, wake up! Everything you think is real is just
a dream. Youve been in a
coma for the past 39 years.
I know it must feel real, but
it isnt.

Ive been trying
to contact you by leaving
notes on the fifth floor, but
through some chance comparable to finding a needle
in a haystack, you never set
foot in there, avoiding it like
the plague.

I wont cry over spilt
milk, however, as it would
be like living like a fish without a bowl. I will instead
let my hair down to tell you
that every cloud has a silver
lining.

Reading this must
beg the question, What
happened 39 years ago?

Well, you were driving and ended up falling
asleep and crashing into a
tree. Right now, you could
have been pushing up daisies, but instead youre in
seventh heaven.

On the other hand,
it must be on the tip of your
tongue that this article feels
like the blind leading the
blind, but you cant squeeze
blood out of a turnip, and
I dont want you running
around like a chicken with
its head cut off, so please
dont judge this book by its
cover.

Im giving you an
inch, and I hope you take a
mile. Everyone misses you.
We miss seeing your smiling
face. All weve seen from
you is as dead as a doornail,
and thats just the icing on
the cake off the top of my
head.

Im sure this will

open can of worms and stir

the ants nest, but I must upset the apple cart because
Ive got a monkey on my
back.

I cant let sleeping
dogs lie, and this is a shot
in the dark as much as the
messages left on the fifth
floor, but I smell a rat, and
Ive been on a wild goose
chase.

You can lead a horse
to water, but you cant make
him drink from it, but honey will catch more flies than
vinegar.

Dont hide the salami, youre a stranger in
a strange land, but in real
life, youre as still a church
mouse. You have to break
out of this dream, because
my cup has runneth over,
and I must return to where
the grass is greener.

James Dixon
Outspoken Fool

STEM injections are given,

ultimately causing the student learner to actually reject all forms of intellectual
curiosity, while craving pipe
fitting and welding job applications.
The
systematic destruction of rational
thought is to "force the mechanical being to become
enamored with the honor
of their low-level status in
the great society", says Dr.
B.S. Brodsky, mastermind
of Cave curriculum.

He goes on to say,
"Rhode Island has just
three institutions for learning high, so we must ensure
people achieve their dreams
by changing their lives to fill
the menial jobs serving the
privileged class defined by
the Lords of Smith Hill."

With this new pressing of cookie-cutter blue
collar aspirations, customers
will no longer crave a more
palate-stimulating career.

CCRI is repurposing toward business interests and manufacturing job
seekers and is now committed to eliminate any form of
highfalutin mind enhancing
humanities courses of study.

This former liberal
arts college is also poised

Wake-up call

to deliver state-run performance funding as detailed

in the latest soul-scroll.

The Minister of
Propaganda, from the offices of Dewey, Cheatum and
Howe, recently announced
the Certificate Center of
Rhode Island can cure any
onset of humanities symptoms with increased STEM
injections, curbing any outbreak, and producing certified automatons in two to
three weeks ready to fetch
phony crusadoes from the
electrified magic carpet
while simultaneously wiping
out any future intellectual
propensities forever.
Former
student-learners now mechanical beings were overjoyed
to be "cured" of having to
learn Shakespeare, Dante,
and Plato.

Sources have told
The Mirror the mechanical
beings have complete faith
in the STEM technique
which grants them stackable
credentials in a few weeks
for a new job rather than
the arduous task and guilt
of a lifetime of learning.

Health

The Foggy Mirror

7
If you have to ask, then go away

Rebecca Montgomery
Recovering Catholic


People of CCRI, I
am sick of listening to you
whining about the Governor. You keep dissecting her
every move, and trying to
antagonize a response out
of her.

Its sad really. She is
never going to talk to anyone representing the students at CCRI.

Why? You do not
matter to her. The only significance of your existence,
is that she can use the fact
that you are spending money at CCRI to sell your
business to someone who
she wants to please from her
college years, you did know
she went to Harvard and
Yale, right?

Or probably you
dont know what those
schools are, or where they
are, or what its like to go to
an actual school. No one at
CCRI is a serious student,
and Ginas performance
tracking is going to prove
that.

The student body
at CCRI is compiled of a
bunch of slackers meandering through mediocre existences without the slightest
clue of how to actually be
someone who matters.
No Offense.

Honestly, no one
who matters gives a damn
about Gina, but she is so
desperate to fit in with the
people who have rejected
her since high school that
she will be dancing money
for the wealthy until the day
she dies, or is caught looking bad, politically speaking,
physically there is no hope.
LaSalle, Harvard, Yale.

Its where old-money
youths go to find an appropriate person to marry, and
possible future contacts/clients.

Then there are desperate wannabes like rag
tag Raimondi parading
with their noses up on some
inflated sense of value because of the delusion they
have earned the right
to study with the privileged.
People like her are only ever

among the elite; believe me,

not with them.

Ginas pathetic desperation to fit in with the
cool-kids, aka the big
players in the world, was ingrained in her when she was
skulking through LaSalle,
undoubtedly plotting to
teach everyone a lesson one
day by becoming so successful that they couldnt ignore
her!

Oh, heres a clue:
she never studied sociology, or political science in
college or graduate school.
She studied business. So get
a friggen clue. I know you
people are at a community
college but dont you watch
House of Cards? No body
at this school matters to our
Governor.

Why isnt she calling, where is she? Sounds
like the heart wrenching
diatribes of a hormonal
teenager. Shes not answering because she doesnt care
about you because you are
not even in the realm of
what matters to Gina.

But, but, she said

her dad was laid off from a

factory, and, and, that she
was like me, her parents
struggled financially! Aw.
Listen; check your history.
Gina grew up in Smithfield,
and went to LaSalle.

Her daddy collected
a pension from Bulova the
watch factory he was laid
off from and received income from other jobs while
he collected his pension. She
never had anything close to
what constitutes real money, but she was never was
so lowly that her kin was
reduced to Wal-Mart shopping or Welfare support.

Gina learned something through the social experiments of her youth. If
you want to move up, then
you need to sell out. Want
to talk to the cool kids at
lunch?

Share some humiliating secrets about your best
friend. Want to be important to rich people? Trade
the education of the poor
people who supported you,
invested faith and hope in
your leadership, as a favor

to someone who has the

funds to support a senate
campaign.

So shut up, and give
up. Youre all so great at doing that already.

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The Foggy Mirror

Science

Ferris Beibers day off

Edward Rooney
Angry Principal

Paramount Pictures
released a statement last
month in which they announced that they will begin
filming a remake of 1986s
Ferris Buellers Day Off .

The film, which
is slated to premiere this
coming fall in New York
City comes confirmation
from Paramount that Justin
Beiber will make his film debut as Ferris Bueller.

Studio spokesperson
Don Healy stated, Justin
has the sort of energy and

charisma that make Ferris

Bueller so appealing to audiences. He has a broad emotional spectrum and is able
to infuse a new dimension
of raw angst into Ferris that
was absent in Brodericks
original interpretation.

While many a naysayers are saying nay, the
yay say-ers are shouting
YAY! Cynics claim the
iconic original will suffer
from a new interpretation,
however, most eagerly await
the transformation of relic into epic anthem for the
modern tween.

Paramount intends

to update every aspect of

the film from its soundtrack
(which will be produced
by Lil Wayne Carter via
Young Money Inc.) to its
screenplay, charging writers
with the formidable task of
modernizing the dialogue
with current vernaculars
in circulation and incorporating electronic devices
into the plot. Spokesperson
Healy even hinted during
his meeting with the press
that the new film will be rated R.

The rating is rumored to be the result of
several full minutes of full

frontal nudity. Thats right

girls and boys, Justin will
supposedly letting it all hang
out. After years of trying to
ruin his angelic image Justin
has decided put the nail in
the coffin of his childhood.
It is claimed that Justins
penis will have a total of
fifteen minutes of uninterrupted screen time.

Though no one is
sure exactly how they are
going to fit a fifteen minute
segment featuring a flaccid
penis, we are guaranteed
that they will at least try.
Bieber is quoted saying Im
just tired of people saying it

must be small The average is 5 inches and I make

it, just barely.

While theres no
word on who is being considered for role of Cameron,
Ferris Buellers best friend,
it has been confirmed that
the role of Ferris Buellers
girlfriend, Sloan Peterson,
will be played by Emily
Ratajkowski, who enchanted audiences by sharing her
delightful endowments via
her appearance in Robin
Thickes Blurred Lines
music video and in Gone
Girl.

Cat-natomy cat-astrophe
lem, but cats are really cute model for a human anatoand they like purr and my course should be..well, a
stuff.
human.

Donations are ur
In a surprising de- gently needed as the switch
velopment, the art depart- from feline to human carment has offered the human casses enters its initial
models utilized in various phases. The biology dedrawing classes for study by partment encourages any
the anatomy students. The student or faculty member
school is even prepared to wishing to become part of
offer live sex demonstra- the donor list to join them
tions during lectures on hu- for brunch at 10 a.m.,
Wednesday, April first in the
man sexuality.

Those representing lounge of the fifth floor.
the department have rallied
in support of the recent boycotts and sentiments afforded by the cat-activists, and
agree that the only suitable
Barbara Baculum
Court Stenographer

Those who have
taken the Human Anatomy
course offered at CCRI in
the past are sure to have encountered the petrified cats
in the lab.

The crumbling kitties are intended to give students a better idea of what
various bodily systems in
their human counterparts
might look like and how
they relate to each other.

However, following
an uproar by cat-activists
throughout the campus, the
cats, which recently entered
their twenty-seventh year of
use, will be replaced by donated human cadavers over
the summer break.

After a sizable group

of sympathetic ailurophiles
petitioned for the removal
of the cats from the curriculum, the biology department has reluctantly chosen
to concede to their wishes.

Dr. Sal Pingo has
stated that he has contacted various area morgues in
order to fulfill the need for
human cadavers for study.

Similar to what premed students at bigger colleges utilize to study the human form, it is thought that
the practice of using actual humans for exploration
will give anatomy students
a more realistic perspective
of what they will potentially
encounter in their various
health care fields.

In addition, several
students over the years have
filed formal complaints as to

the peculiar odor from the

cats, which has been quoted
as being reminiscent of, and
it is hoped that the humans
will emanate a more pleasant scent.

It has also been noted in several studies that
empathy towards the cat
cadavers inhibits students
interest in class. In a study
done by Harvard University, shows students are much
more comfortable cutting
into human flesh. Those
cats are just so cute, even if
they are dead. one student
claims.

It seems that the
average person has much
more empathy for animals
than they do for people.
People just suck. So getting
to cut one open is no prob-

Op-Ed

The Foggy Mirror

Wine, cheese, and three credits

Trip Tophan
Dairy Diva

In an attempt to
help CCRI become more
high-class, the college will
begin offering a course dedicated to wine and cheese.
Thats right folks, an entire
class dedicated to fine wine
and even finer dairy products.

The course was proposed by one of CCRIs
history professors after witnessing a rather lewd public
display of affection on the
Knight campus third floor.
I just walked through a
door and found the two of
them going at it. I knew
then it was time to enhance
the level of elegance at our
esteemed institution.

After spending several weeks in contemplation
with his fellow faculty members, the professor in question was becoming disheartened. We were having
trouble coming up with any
good ideas. People were
suggesting things like uniforms, and powdered wigs. I
didnt think we would ever

figure it out.

Finally, after several
weeks and dozens of unusable idea the answer came
in the form of a snack break.
Faculty meetings are well
known for quickly devolving
into drinking binges here at
CCRI. So, while drinking
wine and gorging on gouda,
the idea was born.

The first step was

to find a someone capable

of teaching this sophisticated subject. After traipsing from bar to bar seeking
just the right drunk, Mario
Bitali, one of the Food Networks esteemed Iron Chefs
agreed to take the job.

Batali has long
believed that more people should be educated
on which wines should be

paired with corresponding

cheeses. He claims to have
grown tired of watching the
uncouth masses shove their
faces full of cheap moscato
and Cracker Barrel cheddar.

So starting in the
Fall of 2015, Chef Batali
will begin educating the students on this delicate topic.
A first glimpse at his cur-

riculum includes lessons in

types of wines and cheeses,
charcuterie for dummies,
and why Arbor Mist isnt
wine.

Students hoping to
take the class must be at
least 21 years of age and will
be expected not only to pay
for the three credit course,
but also for supplies. These
will include wine, cheese, a
cutting board, wine glasses, and whatever else one
usually uses to properly eat
wine and cheese.

Not only do some
of the wines cost upwards
of 150 dollars a bottle (an
expense that can be split
between students), but each
student will be required to
hire a taxi or find another
ride home.

Thats right, due to
liability issues CCRI has
determined that no student
taking the class will be allowed to drive afterwards.

So, if money is no
issue, you love wine, or you
just cant get enough congealed dairy, sign up for the
classiest class on campus.

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10

The Foggy Mirror

TARDIS TECH

Hansgruber
von Lutz
Astro Physicist

For those students
entering the Fall 2015 semester, they will find a discount in tuition fees which
is due to a new partnership
between CCRI and the
Doctor.

The Time Lord has
offered his personal and
technical services to aid in
the continuation of community colleges across the
United States.

This action has been
in part of a study that the
Time Lord has placed a
great interest in the continual evolution of the human
mind.

The Doctor will
start his study at CCRI and
continue on going from
college to college. He will

start his research and duties

in the Fall 2015 semester
and plans to move on from
CCRI in Spring 2017 .

During this time,
the Doctor has been scheduled to teach several classes,
which will include General
Psychology, Introduction to
Philosophy, Physics, Chemistry, Astronomy, and the
higher Mathematics.

There is also talk
of several new classes that
CCRI doesnt currently offer.

These include topics
such as Wibbly Wobbly: a
study of temporal mechanics, Dont Blink: a look
at staring contests and how
they save lives, and finally
Two Hearts: How a time
vortex can affect genetic
structure in infants.

As for the technology that he plans to intro-

duce, the TARDIS will be

used to power most of the
high maintenance equipment and the computers on
the Knight Campus, while
K-9 will visit all the CCRI
campuses' libraries providing information of various
topics.
This
relationship
looks to be an enjoyable
and a fulfilling partnership,
where both parties win in
the end.

The Doctor
will start his
study at CCRI
and continue
on going from
college to
college.

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reading and writing.

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Comics

The Foggy Mirror

Beauty comes from within

Happy McSkeet
Spa Consultant

Ladies and gentlemen, do you want to know
the secret in preventing aging? Do you want clearer
and healthier skin? Do you
want to look like a million
bucks without spending it?
If you answered yes any of
these questions, then you
are in luck, because I can
help you!

I know of a secret
anti-aging cream that will
clear up your skin, make
you look gorgeous, and the
best part about it is that it is
free, yes free!

Never again do you
have to spend hundreds
of dollars on spa facials or
buying beauty treatments
that will not only leave you
broke but most likely prove
ineffective.

The product that
I am referring to is a powerful anti-oxidant packed

with plenty of protein and

minerals that have been
proven to reduce the aging
process, diminish wrinkles,
and smooth skin. The secret
product is often referred to
as simply semen.

A good sperm facial

will quickly clear up your

skin and give you a youthful glow. There are many
different methods that you
can use to apply the semen
to ones face, such as having
your male lover or (yourself
if you're a man) ejaculate

11

teen minutes then wash it

off. You will notice results in
four to six weeks.

For those of you
who do not have a friend to
provide you with semen, do
not stranger because they
could possibly have an STD
or an STI and once that gets
into your eyes "you have
AIDS!" (Borat voice). So be
safe, smart, and responsible
and make sure your lover is
healthy, clean, and eats well.

Remember that semen is unstable once it is
outside the body, so you
wont achieve the beneficial
effects unless you apply it to
your face quickly.

I support the technique of sperm facials so
directly onto your face.
much that I'm willing to ad Another
method minister free facials to any
is to catch it in your hand interested females! Have
or mouth, rub it in your fun, be safe, and enjoy!
hands, then apply it to your
face. Make sure you rub it
on your face real good and
leave it for a good ten to fif-

Written directly for the computer screen

Bobby Boyd
Contributing
Delinquent

Im sure everyone
has heard of all the leaked
screenplay scandals that
have been occurring lately. Sony Pictures had over
fifty scripts inadvertently
released to the internet, including the overrated and
unfunny film, The Interview.

Over the past weekend, one of the most highly anticipated movies of all
time had its script leaked,
and though it was pulled
off immediately, we here at
The Foggy Mirror were fortunate enough to obtain a
copy of the unfinished and
untitled screenplay.

We are unable to reveal details of the film in its
entirety, but we can give you
a preview and let you know
what we think of it. As previously stated, the screenplay is unfinished but more
than two-thirds completed.

Its a buddy comedy
that follows four friends on a
cross country road trip from
Rhode Island to Los Angeles in order to compete in a
trivia competition where the
winner will host their own

show on the network covering the games.

The plot summary seems pretty basic, but
its the journey to the trivia
competition where all the
laughter and debauchery
occurs.

Which is why I fell in
love with the Tagline Sex,
Drugs, and Violence and
they havent arrived in Hol-

lywood yet which perfectly

describes the movie. The
chemistry between the characters is impressive, even
during conflict.

As I was reading
the script, I felt as though I
could easily relate to these
characters or that I knew
these characters in my everyday life and it dragged
me in with its funny yet clev-

er dialogue that leaves room

to be improvised slightly
once its on screen.

There are several
notable scenes that usually
involve the characters running low on money and taking drastic measures to earn
funds while on their road
trip, such as the scene in Las
Vegas when they decide to
crash an all-male review to

perform for money.

There is an earlier scene where they visit a
church in Mississippi and
steal the collection baskets
and offering plates.

As funny as the
script is, however, there are
some scenes that pull at
your heart strings; such as
the scene between Seth and
Vince where Vince is opening up to Seth about how he
is scared of not winning the
competition and having to
return back home to the life
he hates and doesnt want to
continue living.

Once they finally
compete in the competition
and start answering trivia questions, you can sense
that the screenwriter has
an undoubtedly abundant
knowledge of trivia especially with arts, entertainment, and sports.

Although the script
is close completion, I could
see the path the movie was
going in but now that the
script was leaked, there
could possibly be a rewrite,
especially since it was only
the first draft.

I for one, cannot
wait to see this screenplay
completed and eventually
put onto the big screen.

Foggymirror.yourmom

Luxury Lens
offices

Many students will
have noticed the recent
construction in the student
union area. The work being
done will result in completely renovated offices for Student Government, a new
placed office for the Assistant Dean of Student Life,
and a new area for students
to hang out.

Know what Im sayin? he

says.

In order to accommodate these demands, the
editors personal office has
been expanded to encompass approximately 1000
square feet. This will drastically reduce the size of the
television area in the student
commons, but is obviously
well worth it.

Additionally, among
the EiCs demands are a six-

scheduling lets us forcibly

relive those experiences.

The staff of The
Unfiltered Lens remains
relatively in the dark when
it comes to most of these
decisions. When asked how
they felt about these concessions, one staff member,
Jack Rinaldi, stated that he
was totally cool with the
deal as long as he was allowed to soak in that cuzzi,
son!

None of that however, is as important as the
focal point of the project,
new offices for the schools
student run and operated
newspaper, The Unfiltered
Lens. The project, which
was scheduled to start in
March, has been held up
until now due to the completely reasonable demands
of the papers new EiC (Editor in Chief).

The Lens EiC, has
asked for a plethora of office amenities to aid in his
duty to the staff and college.
He notes that Running the
paper is a hard fucking job.
Seriously, these people never get off my back.

In order to relieve
the multitudinous amounts
of stress that plague such an
important position the EiC
has demanded the addition
of a jacuzzi to his private office.

I just think that being able to take a soak will
really help my creative juices to flow. I cant be expected to be at the top of my
game every day without it

ty two inch high-def television, a hookah lounge, a koi

pond, personal shower and
restroom facilities, a kitchen, a full set of gym equipment and a sauna.

In order to convince
the college to pay for these
rather extravagant facilities,
the EiC has been forced to
give recompense. As compensation, the papers editor
has agreed to write several
stories at the behest of the
college.

Among these are
puff pieces that explore the
positive benefits of tuition
increases. The EiC is quoted saying, Tuition increases
really can be a good thing
So it isnt like Im lying or
anything. If the college collects more money, they can
claim to be increasing services.

When asked what
other subjects he would be
writing about, he became
rather evasive. The only
other topic he mentioned revolved around Block Scheduling. All college students
miss high school, block

Raoul Duke, The
Lens prospective new faculty advisor, was quoted
saying Im grateful to be
taking over during such an
exciting time. The old advisor was all about integrity,
which in my opinion is highly overrated.

Meghan Griffin
Hated Family Member