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Types of listening
Here are six types of listening, starting with basic discrimination of sounds
and ending in deep communication.
Discriminative listening
Discriminative listening is the most basic type of listening, whereby the
difference between difference sounds is identified. If you cannot hear
differences, then you cannot make sense of the meaning that is expressed
by such differences.
We learn to discriminate between sounds within our own language early,
and later are unable to discriminate between the phonemes of other
languages. This is one reason why a person from one country finds it
difficult to speak another language perfectly, as they are unable distinguish
the subtle sounds that are required in that language.
Likewise, a person who cannot hear the subtleties of emotional variation in
another person's voice will be less likely to be able to discern the emotions
the other person is experiencing.
Listening is a visual as well as auditory act, as we communicate much
through body language. We thus also need to be able to discriminate
between muscle and skeletal movements that signify different meanings.
Comprehension listening
The next step beyond discriminating between different sound and sights is
to make sense of them. To comprehend the meaning requires first having a
lexicon of words at our fingertips and also all rules of grammar and syntax
by which we can understand what others are saying.
The same is true, of course, for the visual components of communication,
and an understanding of body language helps us understand what the other
person is really meaning.
In communication, some words are more important and some less so, and
comprehension often benefits from extraction of key facts and items from a
long spiel.
Comprehension listening is also known as content listening, informative
listening and full listening.
Biased listening
Biased listening happens when the person hears only what they want to
hear, typically misinterpreting what the other person says based on the
stereotypes and other biases that they have. Such biased listening is often
very evaluative in nature.
Evaluative listening
In evaluative listening, or critical listening, we make judgments about what
the other person is saying. We seek to assess the truth of what is being
said. We also judge what they say against our values, assessing them as
good or bad, worthy or unworthy.
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It's worth emphasizing that the goal of good listening is simply to listen -- nothing
more and nothing less.
During the session when you play the role of listener, you are only allowed
to ask supportive questions or seek clarification of the speaker's points. You
may not make any points of your own during this session. That can be
tricky, because some people's "questions" tend to be more like statements.
Keeping the mind open during conversation requires discipline and practice.
One strategy is to make a commitment to learn at least one unexpected,
worthwhile thing during every conversation. The decision to look for
something new and interesting helps make your mind more open and
receptive while listening.
Using this strategy, most people will probably discover at least one gem --
and often more than one -- no matter whom the conversation is with.
#2 - Trying to be helpful
Another significant barrier to good listening is "trying to be helpful".
Although trying to be helpful may seem beneficial, it interferes with listening
because the listener is thinking about how to solve what he perceives to be
the speaker's problem. Consequently, he misses what the speaker is actually
sayin
old Zen proverb says, "When walking, walk. When eating, eat." In other
words, give your whole attention to whatever you're doing. It's worth
emphasizing that the goal of good listening is simply to listen -- nothing
more and nothing less. Interrupting the speaker in order to offer advice
disrupts the flow of conversation, and impairs the listener's ability to
understand the speaker's experience.
Many people have a "messiah complex" and try to fix or rescue other people
as a way of feeling fulfilled. Such people usually get a kick out of being
problem-solvers, perhaps because it gives them a sense of importance.
However, that behavior can be a huge hurdle to good listening.
Trying to be helpful while listening also implies that you've made certain
judgments about the speaker. That can raise emotional barriers to
communication, as judgments can mean that the listener doesn't have
complete understanding or respect for the speaker.
In a sense, giving a person your undivided attention while listening is the
purest act of love you can offer. Because human beings are such social
animals, simply knowing that another person has listened and understood is
empowering. Often that's all a person needs in order to solve the problems
on his or her own.
If you as a listener step in and heroically offer your solution, you're implying
that you're more capable of seeing the solution than the speaker is.
If the speaker is describing a difficult or long-term problem, and you offer a
facile, off-the-cuff solution, you're probably forgetting that he or she may
have already considered your instant solution long before.
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#6 - Believing in language
One of the trickiest barriers is "believing in language" -- a misplaced trust in
the precision of words.
Language is a guessing game. Speaker and listener use language to predict
what each other is thinking. Meaning must always be actively negotiated.
It's a fallacy to think that a word's dictionary definition can be transmitted
directly through using the word. An example of that fallacy is revealed in the
statement, "I said it perfectly clearly, so why didn't you understand?". Of
course, the naive assumption here is that words that are clear to one person
are clear to another, as if the words themselves contained absolute
meaning.
Words have a unique effect in the mind of each person, because each
person's experience is unique. Those differences can be small, but the
overall effect of the differences can become large enough to cause
misunderstanding.
A worse problem is that words work by pointing at experiences shared by
speaker and listener.
If the listener hasn't had the experience that the speaker is using the word
to point at, then the word points at nothing. Worse still, the listener may
quietly substitute a different experience to match the word.
#8 - Over-splitting or over-lumping
Speakers have different styles of organizing thoughts when explaining
complex situations. Some speakers, "splitters", tend to pay more attention
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to how things are different. Other speakers, "lumpers", tend to look for how
things are alike. Perhaps this is a matter of temperament.
If the speaker and listener are on opposite sides of the splitter-lumper
spectrum, the different mental styles can cause confusion or lack of
understanding.
A listener who is an over-splitter can inadvertently signal that he disagrees
with the speaker over everything, even if he actually agrees with most of
what the speaker says and only disagrees with a nuance or point of
emphasis.
That can cause "noise" and interfere with the flow of conversation. Likewise,
a listener who is an over-lumper can let crucial differences of opinion go
unchallenged, which can lead to a serious misunderstanding later. The
speaker will mistakenly assume that the listener has understood and agreed.
It's important to achieve a good balance between splitting (critical thinking)
and lumping (metaphorical thinking). Even more important is for the listener
to recognize when the speaker is splitting and when she is lumping.
Goals in listening
There is no such thing as a worthless conversation provided you know what to listen for and
questions are the breath of life for a conversation. -- James Nathan Miller
The shortest distance between two communication points is shared meaning – why are we
communicating at all? To listen means to receive the information unfiltered and respond
appropriately to the message. The goal of the listener is to get the message. Listen for the intent.
Listen for the action. What does the person really want you to know, do or think as a result of the
dialogue?
1. Attend – Make a conscious decision to listen. Make eye contact and give full attention to
the speaker. Concentrate on the message and block out all distractions.
2. Engage – Demonstrate interest and encourage the speaker through verbal and non-verbal
cueing. Show an openness toward the speaker and prompt by nodding or saying things
like “please continue…” or “go on…”.
3. Suspend – Exercise patience and suspend judgment about what is being said. Don’t try to
evaluate whether the speaker is saying the right thing or saying it the right way. Hear the
message as it is being delivered and ask for clarification if necessary without accusing,
blaming or demanding.
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4. Learn – Be open to ideas, views and opinions that may differ from your own. Every
conversation is a learning opportunity if you use it gain insight and perspective about the
speaker rather than using the speaker’s words to create a platform for your own thoughts.
5. Connect – Check in with the speaker. It allows for building collaboratively toward the
message learning along the way. Find the connections to the speaker’s ideas, their intents
and most importantly the actions that they want in return. Use questions for clarification
to build toward the message.
To build connection the listener should ask about the speaker’s GOAL:
• When you say report do you mean a formal document or a status update?
• You mentioned campaign…is that the marketing or the giving campaign?
• When you said best solution…are you speaking in terms of price or quality?
• When you say Friday do you mean this Friday or next Friday?
As you listen with purpose and ask linking rather than leading questions, the answers you receive
will signal how close you are to the heart of the speaker’s message and what the speaker wants
and needs from you in return.
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When you are presenting in front of an audience, you are performing as an actor is on stage. How you are being perceiv
important. Dress appropriately for the occasion. Be solemn if your topic is serious. Present the desired image to your au
Look pleasant, enthusiastic, confident, proud, but not arrogant. Remain calm. Appear relaxed, even if you feel nervous.
slowly, enunciate clearly, and show appropriate emotion and feeling relating to your topic. Establish rapport with your
Speak to the person farthest away from you to ensure your voice is loud enough to project to the back of the room. Vary
of your voice and dramatize if necessary. If a microphone is available, adjust and adapt your voice accordingly.
Body language is important. Standing, walking or moving about with appropriate hand gesture or facia
expression is preferred to sitting down or standing still with head down and reading from a prepared speech. Use audio-
or props for enhancement if appropriate and necessary. Master the use of presentation software such as PowerPoint we
your presentation. Do not over-dazzle your audience with excessive use of animation, sound clips, or gaudy colors whic
inappropriate for your topic. Do not torture your audience by putting a lengthy document in tiny print on an overhead an
it out to them.
Speak with conviction as if you really believe in what you are saying. Persuade your audience effectively. The material
present orally should have the same ingredients as that which are required for a written research paper, i.e. a logical pro
from INTRODUCTION (Thesis statement) to BODY (strong supporting arguments, accurate and up-to-date informatio
CONCLUSION (re-state thesis, summary, and logical conclusion).
Do not read from notes for any extended length of time although it is quite acceptable to glance at your notes infrequen
loudly and clearly. Sound confident. Do not mumble. If you made an error, correct it, and continue. No need to make ex
apologize profusely.
Maintain sincere eye contact with your audience. Use the 3-second method, e.g. look straight into the eyes of a person i
audience for 3 seconds at a time. Have direct eye contact with a number of people in the audience, and every now and t
at the whole audience while speaking. Use your eye contact to make everyone in your audience feel involved.
Speak to your audience, listen to their questions, respond to their reactions, adjust and adapt. If what you have prepared
obviously not getting across to your audience, change your strategy mid-stream if you are well prepared to do so. Reme
communication is the key to a successful presentation. If you are short of time, know what can be safely left out. If you
time, know what could be effectively added. Always be prepared for the unexpected.
Pause. Allow yourself and your audience a little time to reflect and think. Don't race through your presentation and leav
audience, as well as yourself, feeling out of breath.
Add humor whenever appropriate and possible. Keep audience interested throughout your entire presentation. Rememb
interesting speech makes time fly, but a boring speech is always too long to endure even if the presentation time is the s
When using audio-visual aids to enhance your presentation, be sure all necessary equipment is set up and in good work
prior to the presentation. If possible, have an emergency backup system readily available. Check out the location ahead
ensure seating arrangements for audience, whiteboard, blackboard, lighting, location of projection screen, sound system
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Have handouts ready and give them out at the appropriate time. Tell audience ahead of time that you will be giving out
of your presentation so that they will not waste time taking unnecessary notes during your presentation.
Know when to STOP talking. Use a timer or the microwave oven clock to time your presentation when preparing it at h
as you don't use unnecessary words in your written paper, you don't bore your audience with repetitious or unnecessary
your oral presentation. To end your presentation, summarize your main points in the same way as you normally do in th
CONCLUSION of a written paper. Remember, however, that there is a difference between spoken words appropriate fo
and formally written words intended for reading. Terminate your presentation with an interesting remark or an appropri
line. Leave your listeners with a positive impression and a sense of completion. Do not belabor your closing remarks. T
audience and sit down.
Have the written portion of your assignment or report ready for your instructor if required.
Conducting an interview
Introduction
Interviews are particularly useful for getting the story behind a participant's experiences. The
interviewer can pursue in-depth information around a topic. Interviews may be useful as follow-
up to certain respondents to questionnaires, e.g., to further investigate their responses. Usually
open-ended questions are asked during interviews.
Before you start to design your interview questions and process, clearly articulate to yourself
what problem or need is to be addressed using the information to be gathered by the interviews.
This helps you keep clear focus on the intent of each question.
1. Choose a setting with little distraction. Avoid loud lights or noises, ensure the
interviewee is comfortable (you might ask them if they are), etc. Often, they may feel
more comfortable at their own places of work or homes.
2. Explain the purpose of the interview.
3. Address terms of confidentiality. Note any terms of confidentiality. (Be careful here.
Rarely can you absolutely promise anything. Courts may get access to information, in
certain circumstances.) Explain who will get access to their answers and how their
answers will be analyzed. If their comments are to be used as quotes, get their written
permission to do so. See getting informed consent.
4. Explain the format of the interview. Explain the type of interview you are conducting
and its nature. If you want them to ask questions, specify if they're to do so as they have
them or wait until the end of the interview.
5. Indicate how long the interview usually takes.
6. Tell them how to get in touch with you later if they want to.
7. Ask them if they have any questions before you both get started with the interview.
8. Don't count on your memory to recall their answers. Ask for permission to record the
interview or bring along someone to take notes.
Types of Interviews
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Patton notes six kinds of questions. One can ask questions about:
1. Behaviors - about what a person has done or is doing
2. Opinions/values - about what a person thinks about a topic
3. Feelings - note that respondents sometimes respond with "I think ..." so be careful to note
that you're looking for feelings
4. Knowledge - to get facts about a topic
5. Sensory - about what people have seen, touched, heard, tasted or smelled
6. Background/demographics - standard background questions, such as age, education,
etc.
Note that the above questions can be asked in terms of past, present or future.
Sequence of Questions
Wording of Questions
1. Wording should be open-ended. Respondents should be able to choose their own terms
when answering questions.
2. Questions should be as neutral as possible. Avoid wording that might influence
answers, e.g., evocative, judgmental wording.
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Conducting Interview
PARTICIPATINGIN DEBATES
1) Alwaysrespectyouropponent
You will never persuade your opponent to agree with your position. Logicians who
happen to be watching your debate could prove with absolute certainty that your
opponent's position is completely fallacious by every known rule of human logic, and
your opponent won't budge. Like you, people are set in their ways and have heard years
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of biased opinions to cement their own worldview. They may change their minds
eventually (remember, Ronald Reagan was once a Democrat and David Horowitz was
once an Afrocentric Communist), but it will certainly not happen during your debate.
Respect this reality. You can only hope to persuade your audience, and you should
strive to do so. Resist the urge to insult, disparage, or otherwise malign your opponent or
any other person.
Both sides should seek to debate content, and not character. When your opponent uses
ad hominem arguments against you, however, it can work to your advantage. Often
times it is a signal that your arguments are so convincing that your adversary must
launch personal assaults due to his inability to rebut your message. We at PI know this
very well, as we are subject to innumerable ad hominem attacks. The fine members of
fark, reddit, and other online news communities call us right-wing, Ayn Rand-loving
extremists. The fine members of FreeRepublic and other conservative news forums call
us lefty communists. Others say, "What can a bunch of twentysomethings know about
economics (or politics) anyway?”
The ad hominem argument proves that your opponent has already exhausted all logic
and is resorting to slander instead. It should be taken as a compliment. And it should
most certainly not be reciprocated.
Your refusal to engage in mudslinging and namecalling will likely provoke ire in your
rival, and will certainly further allow you to distinguish yourself in the eyes of your
audience as the voice of reason.
You should make every effort to base your arguments off of commonly-shared
viewpoints. This not only persuades a greater number of your audience, but also
damages your opponents' arguments more severely.
This is one of the most under-utlized techniques in today's political scene. Socialists
accuse free market supporters of hating poor people, and affirmative action opponents
of hating minorities. Likewise, conservatives accuse decriminalization supporters of
subsidizing pothead losers, and opponents of censorship as being pro-immorality. The
list could go on.
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Finding common ground enhances your persuasive power. Your audience is more likely
to agree with your reasoning when it is based off of commonly-held beliefs, and your
opponent will be categorically denied the ability to accuse you of not caring.
3) Concedewell-reasonedpoints
There are generally two methods by which you can challenge an argument. First is by
challenging its logical structure, either by its premises, conclusions, or use of various
logical fallacies. This is effective when you are debating people like your local college
student who sputters nothing but arguments dripping with fallacious reasoning. However,
when you are debating more well-reasoned individuals, as you should be doing, you
may need to apply the second technique, which is to concede a point yet offer a stronger
alternative.
An example can be provided by the work of this organization. We have a policy position
which is opposed to the inheritance tax, yet we recently published a learned work
arguing for the inheritance tax, because we believed that the argument itself was a good
one. The argument was that because heirs do nothing productive that directly warrants
their wealth, taxation of their financial windfall is a relatively more productive exercise
than taxing the actual earned income of individuals, which is productively earned. It is a
solid point, which we concede. Yet we believe a larger, more persuasive principle is that
the leaving of an inheritance is the free choice of the individual who earned it - no
different than his choice to, say, blow it on seven Bentleys - and that the usurpation of
that free choice indeed violates the freedoms of those who actually did earn it.
Many issues in public policy have intelligent positions on both sides, and you will need to
offer a compelling case why your position is more relevant and beneficial than your
opponent's. If your points are argued well enough, they should be able to stand down
any of your opponent's points, even without directly attacking his. Such concessions not
only fail to hurt you, but they also improve your standing in the eyes of your audience. It
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is a skilled debater who can graciously concede his opponent's point without skipping a
beat.
It will be impossible to be prepared for every argument your opponent makes. He will
surely cite some obscure statistic or random study, or even make an a priori argument
you've never heard. Rather than accuse him of being a liar, you can confidently reply,
"Even if that were true, it still doesn't change the reality that..."
It is easy to agree with the first point about respecting one's opponent. The easiest way
to respect someone's viewpoint that you disagree with is to shut up and not say anything
about it. But debating is necessary for the health of American democracy, and those in a
debate might likewise find it difficult to passionately advocate a position without seeming
too harsh on its supporters.
No matter what the subject matter or contentiousness of the debate, remain positive in
your speech and steer the conversation toward commonalities and possible solutions.
The following settings are wholly inappropriate in which to engage in political discourse:
a) The workplace.Unless you work for the Prometheus Institute, the workplace is neither
the time nor the place for political posturing. Your coworkers should know very little, if
anything about your political ideologies. It is impossible to maintain a professional
relationship with your coworkers when they think you are a conservative fascist or liberal
hippie.
b) A date. Dates should be devoid of political discussion, at least for the first few dates.
Dates should be fun and not boring. For the vast majority of people, politics is
excruciatingly boring. It also has the capability to cause deep personal divisions,
convincing your date that you are a person with whom she can form little ideological
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common ground. You can bore and/or enrage your girlfriend with your personal politics
or philosophy after you’ve been together for a while.
d) The classroom.If you sympathize with any conservative position, you will find yourself
ideologically outnumbered on a college campus, and often find yourself in a classroom
with a professor who despises your opinion. Do not debate him. Realize that if you truly
challenge your professors politically, you’re guaranteed no higher than a B+ in the class.
Educate yourself on your own time so you know why they’re wrong, and save that
knowledge for someone who is going to care. Also realize that you gain more
intellectually than the ass-kissing liberals in your class who are being taught their own
opinions – you get a free peek at the game plan of the opposition. It’s like being in your
opponent’s huddle, if you use the knowledge right.
Attending Interview
If you have been shortlisted for interview, you will be contacted within 14
days of the closing date. We have several different offices, so make sure
that you are clear about where you are being interviewed.
The length of the interview will depend on the job, but you should be given
an indication of how long you will be with us when you are invited for
interview.
You will usually be interviewed by a panel of two or three interviewers. One
of these will usually be your line manager, if you are appointed. The
interviewers will ask you questions which relate to the job and the
requirements needed to do the job. Feel free to ask questions about the job
at the end of the interview or to staff showing you around. Remember that
the interview is your chance to find out as much as possible about working
for us and about the job. In this way you will be in a better position to
decide whether it is the right job for you.
In addition to an interview, other methods may be used to help us choose
the right person for the job. Common methods include work related
exercises, maybe using a computer, testing writing or numerical skills,
giving a presentation or undertaking a practical task. It all depends on the
job, but you will be advised in advance what to expect.
Here are some tips for your interview
• Before your interview, read through all the job details again because
the questions at interview will relate to them. Have a go at trying to
predict some of the questions and practice your answers.
• Do some research beforehand if there are gaps in your knowledge -
especially so that you understand the job, the role of the section and
the role of the Council.
• Think about any questions that you might want to ask at interview.
Keep a note of them and, if you need to, refer to them when you are
in the interview.
• Arrive a few minutes early so that you have time to compose yourself.
• Bring a pen and paper and some notes with you if you want to. The
interviewers will not mind if you want to write down part of the
question or refer briefly to your notes.
• All candidates are nervous in interviews, and your interviewers will
make allowances for that. Some people may talk too much, and other
may talk too quickly. If you identify how you react when nervous, then
you will be able to address it on the day.
• At the start of the interview, one of the interviewers panel will explain
the interview structure to you. If anything is unclear, please ask.
• The interviewers will take it in turns to ask you questions. Listen
carefully to them. If necessary, pause for a few seconds to make sure
that you understand exactly what you are being asked before you start
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to answer. Remember that it will not reflect badly on you if you ask for
the question to be repeated or explained.
• If you have difficulty in answering a question, then the interviewers
will try to prompt you. For example, they may ask, “would you like to
say a bit more about ….”. This will give you a chance to add more to
your answer.
• Don’t assume that the interviewers know everything about you or your
work, even if you have written about it on your application form. Give
details and examples of how you meet the person specification. Take
every opportunity to sell yourself even if this feels rather artificial.
• Don’t worry if you get stuck at any point in the interview and can’t
think what to say. Ask if you can leave the question for the moment,
and come back to it later in the interview.
The above tips should help you to be successful in your interview. If you are
unsuccessful, then you can contact us and ask for feedback. Arrangements
will then be made for one of the interviewers to contact you.
Parent
There are two forms of Parent we can play.
The Nurturing Parent is caring and concerned and often may appear as a
mother-figure (though men can play it too). They seek to keep the Child
safe and offer unconditional love, calming them when they are troubled.
The Controlling (or Critical) Parent, on the other hand, tries to make the
Child do as the parent wants them to do, perhaps transferring values or
beliefs or helping the Child to understand and live in society. They may also
have negative intent, using the Child as a whipping-boy or worse.
Adult
the Adult in us is the 'grown up' rational person who talks reasonably and
assertively, neither trying to control nor reacting. The Adult is comfortable
with themselves and is, for many of us, our 'ideal self'.
Child
There are three types of Child we can play.
The Natural Child is largely un-self-aware and is characterized by the non-
speech noises they make (yahoo, etc.). They like playing and are open and
vulnerable.
The cutely-named Little Professor is the curious and exploring Child who is
always trying out new stuff (often much to their Controlling Parent's
annoyance). Together with the Natural Child they make up the Free Child.
The Adaptive Child reacts to the world around them, either changing
themselves to fit in or rebelling against the forces they feel.
Communications (transactions)
When two people communicate, each exchange is a transaction. Many of
our problems come from transactions which are unsuccessful.
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Johari Window
Known to Others
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The Johari Window, named after the first names of its inventors, Joseph Luft
and Harry Ingham, is one of the most useful models describing the process
of human interaction. A four paned "window," as illustrated above, divides
personal awareness into four different types, as represented by its four
quadrants: open, hidden, blind, and unknown. The lines dividing the four
panes are like window shades, which can move as an interaction progresses.
1. The "open" quadrant represents things that both I know about myself,
and that you know about me. For example, I know my name, and so do you,
and if you have explored some of my website, you know some of my
interests. The knowledge that the window represents, can include not only
factual information, but my feelings, motives, behaviors, wants, needs and
desires... indeed, any information describing who I am. When I first meet a
new person, the size of the opening of this first quadrant is not very large,
since there has been little time to exchange information. As the process of
getting to know one another continues, the window shades move down or to
the right, placing more information into the open window, as described
below.
2. The "blind" quadrant represents things that you know about me, but that
I am unaware of. So, for example, we could be eating at a restaurant, and I
may have unknowingly gotten some food on my face. This information is in
my blind quadrant because you can see it, but I cannot. If you now tell me
that I have something on my face, then the window shade moves to the
right, enlarging the open quadrant's area. Now, I may also have blindspots
with respect to many other much more complex things. For example,
perhaps in our ongoing conversation, you may notice that eye contact seems
to be lacking. You may not say anything, since you may not want to
embarrass me, or you may draw your own inferences that perhaps I am
being insincere. Then the problem is, how can I get this information out in
the open, since it may be affecting the level of trust that is developing
between us? How can I learn more about myself? Unfortunately, there is no
readily available answer. I may notice a slight hesitation on your part, and
perhaps this may lead to a question. But who knows if I will pick this up, or
if your answer will be on the mark.
3. The "hidden" quadrant represents things that I know about myself, that
you do not know. So for example, I have not told you, nor mentioned
anywhere on my website, what one of my favorite ice cream flavors is. This
information is in my "hidden" quadrant. As soon as I tell you that I love "Ben
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and Jerry's Cherry Garcia" flavored ice cream, I am effectively pulling the
window shade down, moving the information in my hidden quadrant and
enlarging the open quadrant's area. Again, there are vast amounts of
information, virtually my whole life's story, that has yet to be revealed to
you. As we get to know and trust each other, I will then feel more
comfortable disclosing more intimate details about myself. This process is
called: "Self-disclosure."
Much, much more has been written on the Johari window model of human
interaction. The process of enlarging the open quadrant is called self-
disclosure, a give and take process between me and the people I interact
with. Typically, as I share something about myself (moving information from
my hidden quadrant into the open) and if the other party is interested in
getting to know me, they will reciprocate, by similarly disclosing information
in their hidden quadrant. Thus, an interaction between two parties can be
modeled dynamically as two active Johari windows. For example, you may
respond to my disclosure that I like "Cherry Garcia" by letting me know what
your favorite ice cream is, or where a new ice cream shop is being built,
kinds of information in your hidden quadrant. Incidentally, it is fattening, so
be careful on how much you eat!
over you," she says. Monica Lewinsky's disclosure to Linda Tripp and the
ensuing scandal that enveloped President Clinton is a case in point. Be
forewarned that most secrets get passed along to at least two more parties.
People also misjudge how others respond to secrets. Sometimes you get
negative feedback. For example, a women who reveals that she was raped
may be seen in the future as a victim, or by men as damaged goods. Now, if
you must tell your secret to someone, chose that person very carefully.
Chose someone whose response will give you some insight into your
problem. Unfortunately, such a person is often hard to find. So if you cannot
find anyone appropriate, consider this: that keeping secrets is healthy and
tasteful, because it is a way of managing your identity, and indicates you are
secure and have self-control. But it takes energy, because you have to be on
constant guard not to accidentally reveal something that is potentially
damaging.
As ones level of confidence and self esteem develops, one may actively
invite others to comment on one's blind spots. A teacher may seek feedback
from students on the quality of a particular lecture, with the desire of
improving the presentation. Active listening skills are helpful in this
endeavor. On the other hand, we all have defenses, protecting the parts of
ourselves that we feel vulnerable. Remember, the blind quadrant contains
behavior, feelings and motivations not accessible to the person, but which
others can see. Feelings of inadequacy, incompetence, impotence,
unworthiness, rejection, guilt, dependency, ambivalence for loved ones,
needs to control and manipulate, are all difficult to face, and yet can be seen
by others. To forcibly reveal what another wishes not to see, is
"psychological rape," and can be traumatic. Fortunately, nature has provided
us with a variety of defense mechanisms to cope with such events, such as
denial, ignoring, rationalizing, etc.
The Johari window, essentially being a model for communication, can also
reveal difficulties in this area. In Johari terms, two people attempt to
communicate via the open quadrants. On the simplest level, difficulties may
arise due to a lack of clarity in the interaction, such as poor grammar or
choice of words, unorganized thoughts, faulty logic etc. This induces the
receiver to criticize you, the sender, by revealing something that was in your
blind quadrant. Then, if the feedback works, you correct it immediately, or
perhaps on a more long term approach take a course in reading and writing.
On a deeper level, you may be in a group meeting, and while you secretly
sympathize with the minority viewpoint, you voted with the majority.
However, blind to you, you actually may be communicating this information
via body language, in conflict with your verbal message. On an even deeper
level, you in an interaction with others, may always put on a smiling, happy
face, hiding all negative feelings. By withholding negative feelings, you may
be signaling to your friends to withhold also, and keep their distance. Thus,
your communication style may seem bland or distant.
And let's not forget the parable of the blind men and the elephant. Our
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