The Words I Never Said, Volume 1

THE
WORDS I
NEVER
SAID
TABLEOFCONTENTS
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. A COLLECTION OF ANONYMOUS RANTS. FALL ‘09.
DAYS 1-5:
BEGINNINGS 03
Rants collected during the days of NOVEMBER 15 to 19.
29 DAYS 6-15:
MIDDLE & END
Rants collected during the days of NOVEMBER 20 to 29.
DAYS 15+:
CLOSING NOTES
Notes on PROJECT PROCESS and ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.
57
EDITOR’S NOTE
PROJECT PREMISE
“I NSPIRED by PostSecret; the Freudian defense techniques, the law
of closure, and other psychological theories, The Words I Never
Said (WINS) is a college project rooted in confession. The point is
simple: to admit the words never said to someone for closure. Par-
ticipants were given three guidelines: rants would be anonymous and
could be sent through e-mail, Facebook message, or posted on the
Facebook group’s wall; rants should be one paragraph minimum;
and rants could contain language as long as the language was justi-
fied. All rants received were edited just for punctuation and typos. As
an editor, I made a point to preserve the rant’s language in its entirety.
All rants received from November 15-29 can be found on the follow-
ing pages.” -ALYSSA BAILEY
DAYS 1-5
BEGINNINGS
“T he Words I Never Said was launched on

Facebook November 15. These are the rants
received through email, Facebook message and
posted on the group’s wall in the first five days.”
04 To two of my good friends:
Enough is fucking enough. She made a mistake — that
does not mean you have to tear your relationship
apart. Yes, she should have fought harder to keep you
“To my ex, I’m sorry I hurt you. as her friend. I will not take sides; I love you both so
much. I hate to see you two apart. Even a blind per-
You know I never wanted to and if I could go back
son can see that you both still care for each other.
to the way it was before everything
happened to make me change how I feel about Open your eyes
you, I would. But what you’re doing now, it isn’t
fair. You were my best friend for four years. FOUR
and then maybe
YEARS. I thought I was going to marry you, have you’ll agree with me.
your kids. I thought I was going to be the lucky girl
whose first boyfriend was going to be the one for
her, never to have to experience a broken heart. “I miss you even though you were
...I was wrong.” never there. Even though I see how
much better off I am without you,
sometimes it still hurts.”
dating that chick from Lo st and date me.

Dear Dominic Monaghan: Please stop
To the girl down the hall:

I know you’re an honor student. We all know you’re an honors stu-
dent. Even though I’m an honors student too, I am not going to call
myself smarter than everyone who isn’t. And no matter how
much you want me to agree with you, I never will.
“I alway
s wonde
to have gu red what
ys call you it was like
‘hot,’ ‘cu to b
I’ve only h
eard those te’ and ‘b e pretty,
words refe eau
mouth of g
irls. Come rring to me tiful.’
is pretty in to think of fro
accu it, the word m the
boyfriends rate, no? Perhaps th of a girl
at such an at’s why g
there to te e irls
ll them tha arly age: to have so seek
Easily con t the m eone
vincing co y’re beautiful and m
ming from ean it.
a guy, perh
aps?”
BEGINNINGS THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.
“It seems to me that everyone’s default favorite season

is fall. You love fall, he loves fall, they all love fall. Okay, I get it, the
world loves fall; I’ll just shrivel up and die like everything else in this
godforsaken season. “The air is cool and crisp, the colors are so
astonishingly beautiful, the leaves are so much fun!” says the igno-
rant person. Allow me to correct you. The air is cold and so dry that
my skin begins to resemble a desert. There are maybe three or four
days in fall when the clouds clear up and blue is visible. The colors
are there for all of one week. The reds, the golds, the dark greens.
I’ll admit it, it’s breathtaking, just like every computer background
and New England postcard argues. But then, only a few days later,
everything is brown, brown, brown. Euch. And the leaves. No, no,
no, no. The leaves are not fun. The leaves are DEAD. When they’re
wet, they stick to your tires and make driving hellish, and when they’re
dry, every time you step on them they burst into millions of paper thin
pieces, get into your shoes and then you have to walk home with
leafy gravel grating into your feet. And this whole family raking of the
leaves then jumping in them and they go poof. IT’S A LIE. Hallmark
did it. What kind of weird cult family rakes leaves together and actu-
ally enjoys it? Whose Kool Aid have they been drinking?? And the
poof? Yeah, that never happens. Because the leaves are too SLIMY
and FILTHY and FULL OF BUGS to poof anywhere! It’s more
like splat. Splat. Oh, look, there’s the idiot who thought it would be a
good idea to dive head first into a heap of rotting foliage. Going to
Med School that one. GOING TO MED SCHOOL SO THAT THE
MED STUDENTS CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT GROTESQUE
DISEASE YOU PICKED UP WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY
SWALLOWED THAT CATERPILLAR IN THE LEAVES. And
then there’s the fashion. The scarves, the gloves, the jackets, the boots.
I love all of these things. You know what else I love? Huh? Variety.
Because only in fall and winter do I wear the exact same thing every-
day: jeans, boots, a shirt and my coat. So all you people who love
the “crisp cool air” and the “gorgeous leaves” can just cry in your
little corner with a box of tissues next to you. You know why?
Because with fall comes FLU SEASON.”
To Fat People: Would

you please stop wearing
jeans? I don’t think you un skinny
derstand the concept.
about your character.”
06 “Your ignorance speaks volumes
Ode to a Cranky Front Desk Worker:
To a teacher: “You don’t care about my life
“I don’t think you know how important this is to Whether or not it is experiencing
me — how important it HAS been always. Ac- A high or a low.
That’s fine since I don’t care
ademics were my thing. It’s what I did best. I About your life either.
worry now about my grade. I wanted to prove I barely know you
my old teacher wrong and do well in your class. Beyond your first name
And your job description,
But in the end I was disappointed. I worked hard Even though I first met you
every night to master the material. I took the tests When I was a young, innocent,
optimistically. But then I wasn’t good enough. I And obnoxious child.
While I admit that your
almost was. But 0.01% away from being Hatred of me may have been born
good enough. I know it is hardly anything to From the childish antics of
complain about, in retrospect, but knowing that My friends and I,
Your constantly cloudy mood
SHE was good enough saddens me. I want Had never affected me before
to prove I am just as good as she is because I Last Friday.
Despite the fact
know I am. Please let me. Today in class we all
That we had never been close,
did poorly on the test, and I’m afraid of doing You wounded my feelings
even worse in your class. I need you to reas- Worse than they had ever
Been injured before.
sure me that I am capable, that I am I hadn’t paid what I owed,
smart. I need you to do more than And your job is to make sure
That I did.
teach. Please.” Your snappy reprimands
And cutting voice
“You fucked behind the school, and you Ruined my day.
I will always remember
slobber ALL over the hallways. You’re not The way you told me,
a cute couple, and I’m tired of seeing ‘This is getting old.’
I will always remember
you two with each other. The way you stared at me,
GET A ROOM!” Expecting me to solve
The problem of my debt.
I only want to tell you this,
“When I grow up, I want to be
The exact opposite of what
You grew up to be.
Not many people
Like mean, bitter,
Old maids.”
te a ch e r : I d o n ’t think you knmionuwtes you

To a . I don’t think you kn
ew how in just five
you
me fended
how much you hurt nk yo u co mp rehended how I de
broke my heart. I do
n’t thi u how that
t yo u down . I do n’t think it ever struck yo
when ever yone else
pu I ever worked for.
er yth ing to me — that it was ever ything
was ev
Snatched.
nutes.
Out in that hall in mi
One conversation.
nd thought.
Without even a seco nt.
every tear I mea
I cr ied that day. And
inful les-
wo rld . Be ca us e it taught me the pa
was my and my ever ything
Because that thing ys en ough — that my best
son that hard wo rk isn ’t al wa ere was nothing I
su ch thi ng as entitlement. Th
weren’t enough. Th er e is no nt above and
d wa s en ou gh even though I we
could say, and nothi
ng I di , even though
tho ug h ev er yo ne put their bets on me
beyond always. Even life you tore to shreds
.
it was my heart and
letter full of bright
t. An d I pu t a sm ile on. I wrote you a
And then you lef ds.”
ted. We were “frien
words, and I just ac s O K.
ything wa
You lef t thinking ever
It’s st not. ill
hurt you
ht I co uld be op en. I didn’t want to
I trusted you and tho
ug you were
wn , be ne at h tha t veneer of power,
because I knew de
ep do But I don’t want to
an d you’ll never know.
vulnerable. It’s be en ye ar s, , no boy has
je ct io n letter, no friend
pretend anymor e. N o re nversation.
e w ay yo u did in that one co
ever dented m e th thing anyone’s
rso n. Bu t wh at yo u did was the worst
You’re not a bad pe ever done to me.
“To every single

girl who has
worn leggings a
s pants on
this campus: Leg
gings are not
pants, you idiot! I th
ink you must have
one pair of pants in
your closet. You
don’t look good in
them either.”
08 To my first:
You meant so much to me, and I would have loved to take you back. It was
just too hard after everything that had happened between us. You were my
first and will always be special to me, and I hope that you have a life
filled with happiness and that your pain goes away.
“I stopped talking to you because you didn’t care.

Remember the day that I told you about my depression, sitting in my car in front of your
house? I’ll never forget because you didn’t care. My best friend doesn’t care that I get
diagnosed with a disorder that makes me sad and upset and irritable and you just ... ig-
nore me. You’ve said that it’s my fault we’re not friends anymore. No. I
handed you the most vulnerable, raw, wounded part of me, and you
tossed it on the floor of my car. If you cared, I’d have told you it got better and
then a lot worse. I’d have told you about my struggles with suicidal thoughts and my
issues with anxiety. You would know
e e n g i r ls: about all my doctors, how I feel about

ose tw
To all th t’ s my medications and how I hide ev-
o n . T h a
v e r it . L ife moves re ,
erything from the rest of the world. I
“Get o as insec u would have let you in. But because of
to it . I w
all there is m u ch a s you. the way you treated me, I shut you out
not as harder than any of the rest of them.
sure, but o many m o v ie s , And in case you didn’t know, you
a t c h to
You w h d ra m a ... are actually fat and kind of ugly. You
u c
have too m ...I got over my pretty girl but that would require you
have the potential to be a really
a b o u t m yself; to care, I guess. You’re also kind of

wo r r ie s
a l l t o o .” gross. Spreading your legs with a
ul d
you sho dress on is just disgusting, the way you
eat makes me feel ill and you kind of
smell bad. All of that was mildly ac-
ceptable while we were friends, but if
you’re a cruel person on top of that,
you seriously need to reassess
what’s going on in your life.”
DMX:
There’s no reason to start drama. I’m not sure
what kind of a thrill you’re getting out of this,
but you’re putting me, my boyfriend, and your
sister in a very awkward situation unnecessarily.
Every one of my friends thinks
you’re sketchy. And you have a fat nose.
“I hate her. I
hate every word
that escapes To the ex boyfriend who used to
the beautiful be D1 basketball player before
threshold some quitting to join the party scene:
people call a “I have lost all respect for you. I used to
mouth ... she be in awe with your strong morals and
deserved it. She
dreams. Now I can’t even look at you
never should
have lived. in the face without wanting to throw up.
She’s a liar! How someone can throw away a lifetime’s
She’s a fake! So amount of dreams for a world full of
... why do I insist emptiness is beyond me.
on saving her?
Why do I con- Disappointing
tinue to risk my is the word now associated whenever I
true happiness see your face. I hope someday you grow
to save her from
up to see the big picture.”
drowning in her
own pathetic
lies? No one “I am no
fucking believes t your m
child, and other. I h
me anymore. you are no ave but on
life decisio t her. I hav e
Does that make n; I canno e made m
I will not g t help you y
me her? Or was uide you b make you
I this girl from the little n y the hand rs .
uances of to figure o
your excu rea u t
the very start?
ses to dam lity. I will not allow
Is this blurb that mate goa age my tr
l. I will, ail to my u
I’m writing at when y howeve lti-
this exact instant ou are r, point ou
imbecile bein t
nothing more . I will sho g an arrogant
rance. I w w
than a puddle ill provide proof of your igno-
of deceptions? hang you the noose
rself and for you to
Who is really stupidity. Y the decla
ou are insig ra tion of yo
to decide nificant, an ur
you as suc d I will trea
when right h.” t
from wrong
is so unde-
fined?”
“You took everything from me,

and now I’m the one paying for it.”
“Everybody wants a Cadillac.
10 It’s the car that people aspire to have. But is it the car that one
needs? What of the Oldsmobile? The Oldsmobile may not be the
To many: car that everybody wants, but it’s all anybody could need and is
actually superior to the Cadillac. It’s just that not all drivers realize this.
Please stop whining.
Your life is not as terrible The Oldsmobile gets far better millage than the Cadillac. It is much
as you would like to be- more reliable and dependable, and one needn’t constantly check up
lieve it is. Some people on it to guarantee that it’s working; they know it is. The Cadillac has
are born into coun- horrible millage; one must constantly attend to it, buy more and more
gas for it to waste. Who wants something that one always has to pay
tries with civil war,
attention to when one can have something indelible and guaranteed
and you’re so upset to not let you down?
about some miniscule
thing? Whenever you The Cadillac is a big, boxy, non-aerodynamic behemoth, but it is a
start to feel sorry for your- hot ride. Many merely overlook and ignore these flaws for the sweets
self, you should really step of leather and surround sound. But is this necessary? Why does one
back, look at the bigger absolutely need these things when the Oldsmobile is fine enough and
actually better? And, in ten years, how many people keep that Cadil-
picture, and be grateful lac? How many of these Caddie are still in constant use? Barely any.
for what you do have. Life And of the Oldsmobile?
will seem shorter and
happier that way. Still working, still trucking, still reliable.
“W And yet all the drivers just want that expensive Cadillac. When they
h
I di en y realize that all they need is that reliable Oldsmobile, it’ll be waiting.
dn’ o u
I’ll be waiting.
t sa as ...I am an Oldsmobile.”
y a ked
nyt
hin me if “You pe
ople ne
g .. we s top spre ed to g
et a life
. be we care ab
a d in g rumors. and
ca r o u Y o u
us e just
t your pa think
don’t. Y
ou are thetic little life b I
et f r i e
on my th
mind s e last thoug
ut I
he n o get ov
er yours t
h
an ds b elf.”
sw eca
er u
wa se yo
s y u li
es ved
.” nex
t do
or,
“If you use the words ‘gay’ or
‘retarded’ out of context
once more in my presence, I’ll
do more than smack you.”
“Do you miss me? You slammed the car door

as you stormed out of the car and away from my life. It
seems like ages have passed. I don’t recognize your
personality anymore. But I miss you, just a little, and want
you to miss me a lot. I want you to want me.”
To all the boys

who have broken my heart:
It’s taken so long to get
over the two of you. The time I
could have spent having fun and
meeting new people was wasted on
thoughts of you. My visage was constantly ap-
propriate to being at the deathbed of my best friend
during the weeks that followed. One of you even started
dating a girl I had to sit next to every time I ate lunch. It was
not easy looking at her face. You two taught me the
reason half of the songs on the radio are about
broken hearts and failed romances. You taught me
the reason I should stay away from boys who seemed
a bit too smooth, who always seemed to have a line
of witty repertoire that at once flattered and hu-
mored. You taught me how to be the
girl I am today. Thank you for
making me stronger.
Love, Me.
n d b e e n k in d to me all my
d for me a ught me is to
“You have care u h a ve e ve r ta
thing yo
life, but the only a u s e e v e r y time you are
you bec
be nothing like side a little m
ore.”
, I die in
cruel to him
“I don’t know why you did it.
12 You made me love you then hate you, all within this short
span of time. We were in love, and everyone knew it. We
“I still do not understand were sickening. We promised we weren’t going to fall
what is so difficult to under- in love — neither believed in love in high school. But we de-
stand. Read between the fied our own expectations, and you said you loved me that
lines. The words “I love day in the park. I had been hoping you would.
you” aren’t words I hand
out to just any old friend. For So what happened? You got busy. I did too. I resented
some unknown reason, you it, and you were too busy to notice or care. I wanted you
still have not figured out that to; I wanted you to notice and care and show that you
hearing your random drunk loved me. I believe that you did, and it’s not insecurity that
hook-up stories tears my caused me to worry, but rather the sadness at the fact that
heart more and more each you didn’t care enough to show it. You don’t understand
weekend. I’m not one of the girls. I was being a girl, and you were being a boy. Boy
meets girl. Boy woos girl. Boy loses interest. Girl
boys, and I am certainly not cries.
going to be the girl who just
listens. I am too afraid Then I had enough. We talked about it, tried a break, and
to tell you straight for- that afternoon, sitting in my car parked at the corner of your
ward because I am too street, you said I had given up. That I had not cared enough
afraid you will reject to try. I wish you knew how much I had been trying
me. Please just hear the all this time. You don’t believe me, and now you hate
words I don’t say and read me. But I hope you’re not mad forever.
the words I can’t write down.
I really do love you.” I want to be friends — to go back to how we were. It will
take time, but I don’t want this to be the end of us. I don’t
love you anymore, and I don’t know if I ever can. I can’t
imagine it now but maybe. Later. Now, I just want to be
able to talk to each other first. But I’m too stubborn to beg.
I want you to come to me, to say that you’re sorry.
So I’m waiting. I hope you still care for me too.
In the meantime, you have made me cynical, and I hate

that. I want to say I hate you too.
...But I don’t.”
“Dad, the false memories scare me.
I know you think it’s just a funny
story, but I’m scared. I don’t know
if anything is real anymore.”
g y o u e v e r wa nted
hin
“I was everyt f o r l e ss?”
et t l e d
... and you s
“I’m sorry I treated you like crap. You were
the best thing that had ever happened to me, and you
were the best thing I had going for me. I can’t
believe I let you slip through my fingers, and it was all
my fault too. Yet I blamed you. I’m sorry I never gave us
a chance to be as great as we could have been, but
I was scared. I hope you know that even though
we’ve both moved on, you still have that special place
in my heart, and that no matter what, I will still care
about you. Maybe one day we can reconnect, and
things will go back to the way they were, but until
then, I’ll sit here waiting for someone else to distract
me from what could have been with you.”
To her: “I wish that you

“You said you
always hated me. would notice
You said you never
liked the way I
me, love me.
looked, or talked or That’s all.”
anything else I did.
“I think I love you; I know you scare me.

But you I wonder if this time and this place is nothing more
never had than a segment — a chapter — in both our lives. I
a reason. wonder if something this good can truly be forever,
or if we are doomed to resort back to the comfort
You opened my of friendship. I wonder why you like me, question
eyes to the igno- why you care.”
rance in this world,
and I hope you
open your eyes to “You’re a liar. I don’t believe a word
the pain you cause you say. Ever. Even if it could be true. SHUT THE FUCK
people.” UP! We all know you’re a liar. We compare notes on the
stories you tell, and it’s ridiculous. Like honestly. Just ... shut up.”
“You are living proof that intelligenc
14 e and common
sense don’t always go hand in hand.”
To my roommate:
You are the worst person I know. You are selfish, self-deprecating, careless about yourself and oth-
ers and worst of all, you’ve made me question myself as a person because I actually
care about being thoughtful toward other people. Why do you think I won’t notice you
rummaging through my top shelf in the bathroom with all of my private stuff? I hate your need to always
have something witty or clever to say. Nobody cares, and you don’t have any substance
below all of that. It’s a defense mechanism. And why can you not understand why using my tooth-
brush TWICE, including once while you were sick, is a problem? Thanks for apologizing and buying
me a new one though. Oh, wait, you didn’t. All I got was you turning it on me like I was some freak
because I care about hygiene. I know you’ve got your problems, but at least try to be honest and deal
with them instead of fucking random guys on the weekends and then complaining about your life. I hate
your friends, they are also self-deprecating, self-important, arrogant, and obnoxious.
Except Kelly — I like Kelly. Also, Melanie? She seems pretty cool, and she was totally right not to accept
your apology. You’ve been nothing but a bitch to her for no reason. Get over yourself and Brendon
while you’re at it. You put yourself in these situations, and I have no sympathy for
you. Also, just because I have a good relationship with my family does not make me weak. It makes
me stronger and is not a fault. Congrats on never talking to your parents: that makes you so mature. You
know what also makes you mature? Never speaking up about what bothers you, bottling it
up and then blaming your unhappiness on me when you could have brought it up. And screw you for
not having the balls to tell me you’d been searching for a place, like I did the moment I decided we
couldn’t live together anymore. You’re a coward. So you just walked in the door, my heart dropped.
I hate that you have this terrible effect on me. I have never hated anyone, really. I hate you. I can’t wait
to never have to see you again. But we have mutual friends that I love. Ugh. I can’t wait ‘til you’re out of
my life. You’re not worth the stress.
feel like I’m

“Please stop making me
ion s; they’re “I’m scared o
some idiot for my own decis f this friends
my own, and I can control
my own life. It’s only been a hip.
o should be few months, but
Maybe it’s not me wh like we’re spend I feel
r.”
looking their personality ove ing all our time
gether. It’s not th to-
at I don’t like sp
time with you, b e nding
ut I don’t wan
get hurt. This t to
feels like so man
friendships that y other
turned into some
else and ended thing
so badly, and I’
terrified of that h m
appening again
.”
“Please stop fucking slamming

your closet doors at all hours of
the night! We can hear every
time they open and close...”
“You are not lactose intolerant! You

are a spoiled child who wants attention any way you
can possibly get it. I know, I know, you have a doctor’s
note, and you get sick if you eat dairy. But HELLO! I
have seen you accidentally eat food with dairy in it, and
NOTHING happened. Even worse is when someone
tells you what happened, and you SUDDENLY be-
come ill. Oh, and by the way: WHIPPED CREAM
IS A DAIRY PRODUCT, and you eat it like it’s going
out of style! I know what you are thinking: “It’s just one of
those things I can eat, and it doesn’t bother me.” BULL!
I snuck cheese into the pasta dish when you were over at
my house! I snuck A LOT of cheese into the pasta dish
and guess who didn’t get sick?”
“YOU
H E D U MB-
ASK T N S I HAVE
UEST I O LD
EST Q . IF YOU WOU
ARD YOU
EVER HE EN IN CL ASS, OR
ST KF
JUST LI ’T HAVE TO AS BE
N O
WOULD NGLE POINT T E
I L
EVERY S . THEN PEOP
D
REPEATE N O T HATE
MIGHT U.”
YO
“You seem like the perfect angel. But

honestly, I’ve seen you at times when
you’re such a bitch. Maybe you don’t
realize how you sound? I wonder who gave
you so much authority that you consider
yourself above everyone else? NO ONE.”
16
“We allow ourselves to fall for that selected female friend who enriches
our lives in ways we cannot begin to articulate. Accepting the hardened idea that
feelings are not reciprocated. And why? Childish fears. Picture your best friend of
the opposite sex. Someone you talk with, hang out with, invest yourself in. I have
that best friend, and I have felt the void that exists when she is not an active part of
my life. And I fear the day when no longer can we have the current
relationship because a stranger seems like less risk.
No matter the situation or the conditions, I will always be that person not
afraid to take the risks in knowing you as no other guy does.”
“I’ve known you for the longest time now, and we once
had something that nobody will ever truly know. Five years, five years,
To a friend:
and all you could come up with was “he’s gay.” You could have re-
spected me enough to tell the truth. The real reason I broke
your heart. But I guess this is my chance to let everyone know now. be so
wwww can you
After five years I broke up with her because I made her depressed “Howwwwwww r fo ur ye ars
d you fo
and suicidal. I just never understood if it was for attention or the fact blind? I’ve love ve no
as though you ha
that I couldn’t be friends with any other girl, and that’s why you told now yet I still feel el se co uld
n, ever yone
me. You don’t throw that at your boyfriend’s face and expect him to clue. In grade te or
d yo u? And if you could
rebound from it in an instant. I will never truly understand see it. Coul m et hin g
u please say so
what you were going through, but what I do have to if you did, can yo an yth ing
ver going to be
say is that I will always love you. Not in a sense of what was, now? If we’re ne en just
more than w ha t we are now, th
but what could have been. Once I broke it off, you turned completely e go tte n th e feeling
. I’v
let me know ht be
around and became someone with no originality ... I ain that there ig m
over and over ag ing fo r sure,
don’t know you anymore. But I wish I did. I wish Not know
something more. I love you. <3 ”
I were that guy who played Superman, you know though, kills me.
the one who could never do any thing wrong. Then I
could have saved you from myself ... a million red
M&Ms forever and always.” We made the
promise to each
other that we’d
be best frien
er. So what ex ds forev-
actly is your de
It’s surely differe finition of “foreve
nt than mine. I th r”?
along the lines of ought it meant so
... let’s say, a life mething
that you only sa time. I’m starti
id those words ng to think
but you have no to satisfy yourse
idea how much lf at the momen
of f to bigger an it actually meant t,
d better things no to me. You’re
happy because w, and I sincere
you don’t need ly hope you’re
stand in your way me anymore. D
; I promise not to on’t let me
you need me, bother you. Bu
I’ll still be her t when
e. When I sa
forever, I mea id
nt it.
To a friend:
“It’s hard to fathom what to say to you. I like to say I
can read people, but you don’t make any sense
at all.
I know she hurt you, and I did everything I could to help

you get through it. We always talked and became way
too close, way too fast. I’ll never understand it. To a friend:
But I fell for you despite all your shortcomings. I tried Please come
to help you because I thought if I was that reliable girl,
the person who was there when you needed them ... back into my
well, then maybe you’d see I’m someone worth taking
a chance on. You deserve better than her, and I life. I don’t
thought for a long time I could be that person. want just th
e
You’ve always been sporadic though. You stopped talk- “heys” any-
ing to me abruptly, and I’m letting go. We never talked
about what was going on with us. I was terrified to.
more. I miss
It’s your apathy and logic. It’s the fact I had no idea what
you. All we
you thought. You told me you hadn’t decided with really need to
me yet. But I guess you made your decision now.
do is talk yet
I think this is for the best.
it’s so difficult.
I hate the effect you had on me and how little I mean to
you. But you still mean something to me, no matter how
much I wish you didn’t. I’m a nice girl, and I deserve bet-
ter. For some reason though, I can’t stop caring about
you. I’ll say it was because there were sparks. I
hope you felt them too.”
te d to b e o n e of
“I always wa n
u r ‘p r et t y g i rls.’”
yo
“Everything reminds me of you. Songs

we danced to, places we visited, memories we cre-
ated. I can’t get you out of my mind, and right now
I want just that. I don’t want to spite you. I want
to forget this bad time and get over you.
I hope it gets better. Do you feel this way too?”
“Why are you so perfect yet not at all?
18 You’ve done nothing to deserve it. You smoke, make sarcastic comments,
and woo them all. You don’t care. You could not care less that
countless boys have fallen for you. You just wear your fishnets,
short skirts, and tight tee-shirts, as you talk in a nonchalant fashion about
your love of video games, and they fall at your feet. All three did. The first,
you messed with for a year. I don’t know him well, but his heartbreak makes
me sad. The second, the same. He matters to me because I can’t help think
that I was a rebound at least at the beginning. He says he’s happy it turned
out this way. But this is love. It doesn’t just turn out. It’s not supposed to. It’s
“I sing
supposed to be a result of fate, not convenience. I helped him
Judy
ask you out. You said no. He fell out of like (not love) with you and into like
Garland’s
‘The
with me. I felt like a replacement. I was always jealous of you. I still am, but
Man I don’t know why. I don’t play video games. Ever. I don’t wear tight shirts to
that Got show off my curvy short body. I’m tall, thin, and flat. I don’t fit the mold you
Away’ in left behind. And then he, the third boy, fell for you too. This time, you went
the shower. further. You accepted his offer. You are so pessimistic about relationships,
She gives but you said yes. You made him happy. So happy that I think he’s blind to
an incred- your faults. You don’t know. But in all honestly, I think you really
ible perfor- do. And I hate that you don’t care and will continue to break hearts.
mance of
that song Heartbreaker, I wish you’d stop.”
in A Star is
To the girl I’m keeping secret:
Born.” “We know we want to be together,
but there’s someone keeping us apart,
To the smarties who think
so maybe we can be with one another
after you get rid of the one thing that they’re better than I am:
stands between us.” “I’m not going to stick my head out any-
time soon. Just you wait and see.
I’ll be somebody someday. So keep
on congregating with your
cliques and acting like the
own the world. The walls
have ears, you know.”
“Stop pretending that you’re so perfect and holy.
Hating gays and Muslims doesn’t make you a
Christian; it just makes you an asshole.
Maybe you should try to be a little less judgmental
because everyone’s sick of your ignorance.”
“I just can’t
wait to get
e day since I told
ee months to th out. Thanks for
“It’s beenyotuhanrymore. You told me, a month an d 10 days
u couldn’t go
everything, but
you I didn’t love me anymore be
cause yo I don’t need
ul dn ’t ta lk to u promised
ago that you co
w ith w ha t w e were now. Yo yo u you any-
be okay ld me
on pretending to ul dn ’t ta lk to me at all. You to ve
felt you co
nd now, now, I
ha more.”
to tell me if you n d y ou haven’t. A I kn ow
ba ck . A ki ng m e if
would come Facebook, as
messaging me on responded to hi
m in a very
your best friend u ha ve n’ t
becaus e yo want to
where you were t in to th is again. I don’t
t want to ge t keep send-
long time. I don’ ca n’ t do it anymore. I can’
’re aliv e. I know you’re
worry if you te llin g yo u to let people
gr y em ai ls ease, only
ing you those an Ta lk to yo ur friends. But pl
g this to m e. s my best
alive. Stop doin ed . I m iss you. I mis
you’re he al e day. I hope
talk to me when , an d I ho pe you will too, on I’m with
ing on me and see that
friend. I’m mov an d ta lk to
come ba ck lf. Just be
that when you ive yo u ba ck to hurting yourse
won’t dr
someone else, it yourself.”
r m e, be happy for
happy fo
“He d o e s n ’t “You irr

to be funny, whe
Blonde boy:
ita te me. When you
try
e
deserv up angnryyoatuyotryu.toHavbe ANYTHING I alnswolayinsg,end
w he
n you try to be co
you.” myou had; YOU’RE theenon’teyothuatnototiclded this?! Of course

uch af ter all. Sa me I overreact to
dly nothing I sa o
yours — that shel y clicks in that br
tered, prejudiced ain of
the way: just be brain of yours. O
cause a girl has h, by
with dating than more experienc
you DOES NO e
HER A WHO T MAKE
RE!!!”
“I hate that you silently judge. I hate that he tells you every-
thing. I hate that you’re so concerned with analyzing it all with your
simple mindset about base human intentions and motivations; you
forget that this is complex. This is the most emotion I have ever
felt because it went from great to awful. Perfect to saddening. I hate
that I can’t go to English class anymore without knowing you’re judg-
ing. He’s told you everything, I know, from his biased point of view.
You’re going to look at me when I talk to any other boy even if it is just
friendly. Especially if it is. You don’t know me. You don’t. I don’t
pretend to understand you, but you seem to think you do.”
To my “friends” who are social butterflies: It really annoys me when you can’t seem to stay put in one
20 place. If YOU come up to me and talk, don’t randomly jump to the next person you see and start up a con-
versation with him, then switch back to me as soon as he leaves. That’s just rude. There’s a reason why I
don’t come up and talk to you. You’d probably ignore me as soon as you see a “better” person to talk to.
To the perso
n w
ho sits in the
“Ok, seriously, front row du
do you really ha ring chem:
play computer fo ve nothing better to
otball the whole do than check
anything, you sh time in class? If Facebook and
ould have drop you’re not going
not the most inte ped the class b to even tr y to lea
resting class, but ack when you co rn
notes. Serious the other 150 o ul d have. Sure, it’
ly, why don’t f us at least make s
something in you just stay an attempt to ta
stead of just in your dorm ke
your compu sitting there and sleep or
ter? The class and playing
do something w is supposed to video games
ith their lives, and be for people w on
grade while you’ we’re all tr ying ho actually want
re sitting down th to pay attention to
And by the way, ere in the FRON and get a good
if you do plan o T ROW playing
whole time, can n just sitting there computer game
you at least s and playing com s.
AGAIN? We top doing the puter football th
get it, you know same play OV e
Congratulations how to beat a st ER and OVER
, you win a med up id video game th
pay attention lik al. Now stop pla at’s 10 years old
e the rest of us.” ying stupid gam .
es during class
and
“This is all new to him. You flirted, he smiled.
To eve
You kept leading him on. Then you pretended it meant
nothing, and he was crushed. He hides it well, but I “Pot is r yone:
love him and so I hate you for what you did to hurt fan t
ler like a astic. It’s
him. He’s afraid to approach other girls now. At Home-
not a kil
rettes. It lc
coming, I walked right past you, bumping into your makes y ohol or ciga-
Why do o u
you tell feel fantastic.
shoulder purposefully. I felt like a mean girl. I
am never like that, but you smoke? p o
do not mess with him and not Why do theads not to
It’s a me n ’ t y
feel my wrath, so it turns out. dicine in ou tr y it first?
Stop messing with boys. You are a flirt there’s n a few state
ot
and a flake.” to weed one death attrib s;
. It ute
fun. It m ’s victimless d
a .
matter w kes you feel be It’s
hat tt er, n
If you’re you’ve got goin o
not gonn g on.
speak a a tr y it, don’t
gainst it.” “It brings
me to shame to
know that so many people
are so less fortunate than
you and would kill to be where
you are right now, and here you
are, acting as if what you have is
nothing and treating everyone
like crap to make yourself
feel better.”
“Could you please take control of your class? These kids

treat you like complete shit! You know that their excuses are lies and yet you never,
ever punish them. Trust me, the day you hand out that first detention slip will mark the
beginning of an entirely new era — the frustrating chaos that you currently have to deal
with on a daily basis will no longer exist. Who knows, we might even begin to respect
you. I know you want to be liked; hell, we all do, but that doesn’t mean that
you have to be spit on in the process. Please, do yourself a favor, and the next
time someone cusses at you, throws supplies, crawls on the floor, moves his seat, or
screams while you’re talking, give him a referral. It’s not fair to those of us who take
your class to learn.”
“Since when does every-

thing have to be about
To the doubters:
you? You’re disgusting.
Of course I’m quiet and compliant and
never care about cleaning up your mess,
Journalism
but that doesn’t mean that I appreciate
you leaving one for me to clean. You are
a spoiled, self-centered brat who only
is not
cares for people when it’s convenient
for you. You’re a user: you take
without asking and assume ev-
Yearbook.
erything is your domain. No one
can have fun if you are not, and when I work hours and hours per week,
you are it has to be the fun YOU want to
have, not what the group wants. dedicate even more hours to stressing
There are so many times where all I’ve about the school newspaper and in
wanted to do is punch you in the face
and leave, but I know that is not the the end I get asked if I’m on yearbook.
way to solve our problem. I realize I am
scared to confront you because I have I correct the student, who just replies:
to see you again afterwards, and I don’t
know how you will react to me. I have “Oh, same thing.” No. No, it is not
so much to argue about that it will seem
like I hold grudges ... but how else am I the same thing. I care so much. Please
suppose to get you to understand how
I feel?” value that.
“One bench after another, a new couple on

each seat made for two or even sometimes made for
one. Do you not realize that nobody wants to see your
tongue shoved down someone else’s throat? ‘Cause
I am pretty sure I speak for most people: you are mis-
taken. Mazel tov for finding a guy or a girl who
is willing to display a theoretically meaning-
ful gesture in front of the world, but the world
doesn’t want to see it. It cannot be remotely romantic
to sit next to a dorm building and make out with your girl-
friend while listening to the sounds of grumpy teenagers
complain about their exams or their smelly roommates at
8 o’clock in the morning. Go back to sleep, and get a
room when you’re awake!”
To the small town girl:
22
By definition a friendship
is a relationship. Each relationship unique to the two people it
involves. Look to our other friendships. Things are different with
you in a way that only makes sense with you. Could you be
satisfied with the relationship I have with your friends? Or how
about my other friends? I fail to believe that sort of relationship
would be enough. Unexpectedly and without intention or cause
we moved together, away from a typical friendship.
There is something more, and
it is, for both of us, enjoyable.
“I have never known this kind of love. I look at her, and I gasp with the effort to contain my
feelings. She is my world. Since her entrance into my life, I have begun to exist. My eyes
are now open to experiencing everything with her, through her and for her. I do not know
when it happened, but her young life outweighs my own. As I watch her, I know I would give
anything for her happiness, for her to live. To say “I love her” is mediocre at best.
There are no words adequate enough, and I have tried. I am human because of her.”
ou
a lw a y s le t others put y
“Why do you a nd talented individua
l yet
re a st ro ng u
down? You’
e rs b re a k d o w n your spirit. Yo
th
you always let o y o u r s elf when peop
le talk
du p fo r e all can
need to stan st o p laughing it off. W
yo u a nd try
bad about
o ut w ha t p e o p le say, and we
ab yourself.
see you’re sad to st e p up and defend
u ha ve ur
to help, but yo ys g o in g to b e there to fight yo
lwa at de-
Someone isn’t a s a b ys ta nder and one th
S o a
battles for you. yo u to step up and
show the
a sk in g fo r u.”
fends you, I’m
n g a n d ta le nted side of yo
world the stro
“I confess that I like you. Not enough to make a

move, but I’m intrigued by you. We’re friends, we really are. I’m not harboring
feelings of unbridled lust. I just think you are cute in a nonconven-
tional way. You’re ridiculous, but I like that personality of yours. I thought
that you might give me my first kiss a while ago because I was so comfort-
able around you. I was wrong, and nothing has happened, and I don’t want
it to. But I like the attention. That was lacking with him. So I
hope we dance at Prom, just so there is no “what if” involved when we go
our separate ways. I value our friendship, but I al-
most think I’d like to cross the boundaries at some
point. Briefly. Just to see.
Would you object?”
ther: we
To my burreoaliz e how much
I don’t think yo been hard, but
o u . T h in g s h a ve
love y t th rough them.
n a b le to g e
we’ve bee y
fo re , w h e n I overhear you sa
There o n hurting your-
T IL L p la n
that you S t
a d a y w h e n you decide tha
self o n
ke it a n y m o re , I just don’t
you can’t ta
e is w o r t h living. If
get it. Lif at
in g , I th o u g h t you realized th
anyth o t the only per-
rs a g o . I a m n
three yea o
h o lo ve s y o u a nd who would d
son w lease, don’t
fo r y o u . S o p
anything u
n y t h in g s t u pid. When yo
do a rt ing yourself —
e n o t o n ly h u
do, you’r ,I
e h u rt in g u s. A nd to be honest
you’r f Mom’s crying
a n y m o re o
can’t take
o u . It h u rt s m e too much.
over y
o. <3 To
I love you, br Im
them:
et you girls on th
during one of the e Internet
lowest lows of my
life. How we all
got so close, I ha
idea, but I value ve no
our friendship so
much. I trust you , so, so
more than I trust
or my friends. M my family
aybe, just maybe
the reason I’m al , you’re
ive today.
I love you girl
s.
To the runner with the knee brace:

When we run in the morning and cross paths, I
admire your knee brace every time I see you. I
wonder if you notice mine and feel a moment of
a special connection. All by a knee brace.
24 To my fellow dreame
r s: Never lose hope.
“Thank you for understanding that te the world. It’s re-
“I wish you didn’t ha
I don’t ever want to talk about it. Ever. Thank e so young is already so
ally upsetting that someon
the good in people. I
you for understanding that for as long as I jaded. I wish you could see
with the simplicities of life.
wish you could be happy
live, I don’t ever want to cry in front of you or No one is as mean as you think they are. I wish you
anyone we know. I wish I didn’t have to be so you are. Maybe it’s be-
could see how beautiful
have a hard time with
cold and distant with the things that are hap- cause you’re young that you
wo rd: life gets better.”
all of this, but take my
pening to me and the things that are truly im-
To her:
portant to me, but if I wasn’t ... I don’t know You’re beautiful. You’re
so smart especially
in math. I don’t know why
what would happen. I don’t agree with yourself. You’re also the
you don’t believe in
most insecure person I
some of the things that you’ve done, and I’m know, and I worry about you
you’re capable, and
. You don’t think
I hope you over-
sorry that my opinion makes you nervous. But come it. We are all wor
king to get you to step
out of your comfort zone.
it’s not going to change. And I think that, in a I’ve been there. But you
fake confidence until you get
it. Please do this.
way, that’s the beauty of us.”
“How uncanny that we as humans expect more loyalty, devotion, and love
from our friendships than our relationships. Has society jaded us in such
away that we proclaim the need to fall in love with our best
friends yet choose strangers for the fear of being hurt? Is it not
the idea that great love comes with even greater risk? Yet, here stand the de-
voted, unconditionally affectionate friends who never push for more.”
“I wish all my words hadn’t left me when he said he didn’t feel the same way.
I wish I could have argued, told him why he was wrong, said he should reconsider. I wish
I had told him that I would adore him, that we weren’t so different, that it would all work
out beautifully. That he is so witty and smart and kind and engaging. That I would make
him laugh and inspire him. I should have said that I wouldn’t try to change him; I would
treasure him as he is. I wish I had taken him by the shoulders and shook
him and told him that he is is so extraordinary, so smart, so wonderful
— why does he set the bar for himself so low? I should have told him that he
would not have disappointed me. I should have told him that in a month, a year, five years,
he would wish he had said these things to me.”
“I like to think I’m always improving or at least

changing. As crappy as it got in the end, I still remember
how amazing it was for months and months. Thank you so
much for that and guiding me through a bad year to make me
who I am today. In some ways, I’ve fallen back on
who I was, but in others, I’ll never
be the same again, and I’ll never for-
get all the good you’ve done. (Though
I’m never dating another Christian again!)”
“Mom,
-
I know you’re ex
“Mummy, I love you, you
mpty nest- know I do. We’re closer than
cited to be an e most families are because of what
ut ca n’ t yo u let me have
er, b d to go
happened to Daddy. You, me and
’s so w e ir
my room? It nge
Catherine. It was just us for 10
eep in a stra
home and sl
years. Then you got remarried. I
nge room. A
nd no know you keep saying that you’ll
b e d in a st ra
ny times you call lose him before you lose us. But
matter how ma
sister’s room will
I’m starting to think it isn’t true. Your
it my room, my oldest daughter, who’s 22, spends
and now it’s
never be mine, 3/7 days at home. Me, who’s 20,
ither. “
not really hers e does everything she can to not be
home. I don’t know what to
do or how to tell you that
you ARE losing me. Everyday
“Why don’t you you agree to give it another try with
stop him when you KNOW its useless,
worrying abo
ut you lose me just a little bit more.
what everyone And I don’t want to be the one to
else break up your marriage, but if you
does with their li don’t do something soon ... I will
fe
and start thin have to. Because I have nowhere
k- to go. I only have you. And I need
ing about how you. I need the mom you used to
you be back, the one who smiled and
live your life and
how laughed and didn’t spend her days
you make peop mad at someone. I need you
le back, mommy. I need you.”
feel?”
To my mom:
First and foremost, I love you. I always have, and I always
will. Nothing will change that. However, some days, I
just get TIRED of all the nitpicking. I know I need a job. I know
that I’m overweight and need to go to the gym. I know that I
should be doing something other than being on the computer.
You don’t need to be telling me these things every single day.
It’s not like I’m NOT trying to get a job — I’ve applied to a
bunch of places. It’s not like I’m sitting on the couch every
single day, doing nothing — I do go to the gym at least once
a week when school’s not crazy. I know you’re try-
ing to look out for me but sometimes, enough is
enough. I love you. <3
To my ex-friend: I have never regretted ending our poisonous friendship. I only regret not doing so sooner :) Oh,
26 and by the way, the other day I heard you say (as the whole class probably did, since your shrill voice can pierce
through anything) that our school is the school with the most drama. Hun, it’s only drama because YOU make it drama.
My life has been completely boring and drama-free ever since I kicked you to the curb. Thank you not so very much.
n c a ll y o u th at anymore?
Bestie: Can eI net time together since you got to-
ve
We’ve barely sp n d . Y o u r id e alistic virtues ma
ke
boy fr ie
gether with the ri d g e . T h a t a lo ng with your
off a b
me want to jump c t to a lm o st every word said
to
rre a
tendencies to ove A K E A J O K E. Not every-
rds: T
you. Three wo lt “I could
sa y s to y o u is intended to insu ne
tell this ver you
ne
thing that everyo is e . Y o u n e e d to learn to dis- since, we in pers
on
, I prom ll, I’m to
and malice you s well. You Honestly o insecure
ie n d s e ve n ly a derful pe , you are a won-
.
between fr
tribute your time d and leave
rson. I se
h y o u r b o y fr ie n her, and e you wit
h
Y wit Ialways
spend ALL DA hy? You don’t
what w wonder
in d . B e c a u se w You’ve b
e could
be like.
eh
everyone else b I do? NO. I just
een like an o
Y o u t h in k brother to
me at tim lder
ma.”
like “the dra ore all of my we have es, and
n ’t w a n t to ig n gott
lately, bu en a lot closer
cause I do
put up with it be I think the idea
tIg
ie n d , know. Aft uess I’ll never
g of y o u r b o y fr er you gra
friends. Speakin b o rd e rl in e g ro ss. Stop tell- I hope w d
e keep in uate,
together is
want y to uch. I
ou to k
of you and him u tw o do ... PLEASE
. thank y now th
ou for b at I
w h a t y o eing a
ing me about
to make
me smile ble
time even all the
when I’ve
had a
horrible d
ay.”
“I hate to admit it, but I really like who I’ve be-

come as a person in these past months. I make mis-
takes, I have fun, I’m more open to people, I’m more
laid back and I don’t have to waste time and energy
striving for your attention. I depended too heavily
on you, and it wasn’t healthy. Thanks for help-
ing me see it was time to let go.”
To a friend:
You are lonely. I understand how pow-
erful of an emotion that is. What I don’t
understand is why you can claim you are
in so much pain when you are cheating
on various people. How can you just
do that? Do you not know how
painful it is to watch you to do
this to innocent people? I hate to
say this, but relationships are NOT the
cure to what you are feeling right now.
What you do, it hurts me as well. I wish
you could see that. To a friend:
I’ve known you forev
er, and I’ll always lov
I am fed up of th e you, but
is hierarchy. So
feel like we’re sister metimes it’ll
s and then you’ll tre
one who isn’t worth at me like some-
y of your friendship.
never once apol You have
ogized for anything
you caused fights, did even when
n’t speak to me for
spread stories abou weeks, and
t me. It needs to end.
I don’t understand — It’s not like
you always com
me and when yo e back to
u like me, you’re
friend ever. I know the best
that you are less ce
self than you act, an rtain of your-
d this is your way of
But please, find showing it.
some other way
to express
your feelings?
To my girls from TFH: You girls are my life. I know

we all met through Facebook, but you girls are my rocks.
I know a lot of people think it’s weird that 17 girls from
all over the world can have so much in common and still
be friends over a year later. Knowing that no mat-
ter what happens, you girls will be there for
me, does more in terms of support than you
know. As you all know, I can’t talk to my family about
some things, but I never hold back from TFH. So thank you.
Thank you for being my best friends when I needed you
all the most. I love you and may TFH live forever.
Even if we never find Atlantis.
BEGINNINGS
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 1-5.
To him:
I miss you. But I also don’t remember you. My friends joke that
we are destined because our brief relationship was
straight out of a movie — saying goodbye in the rain,
walks in the neighborhood, rival families. And four
years of separation by the Atlantic Ocean. I know we
tried. Last summer you wanted to see me. You wanted to travel to see
me. I wrote you a letter and included my email address, so we talk-
ed. Now, we’re Facebook friends. I want to ask you if you remember
me as more than a pretty face. It feels so distant. As it is, four years
have passed. We are completely different, both of us, from age four-
teen. We will be eighteen when we meet. I can’t wait. I
hope it doesn’t disappoint. I hope you haven’t changed and
that I still like you. I hope you feel the same way about me.
I hope for a happy ending to this movie.
“The
world needs to
over this ‘Twili get
ght phenom
ena’ binge th -
ey’ve been on
past year beca for the
t
ing Recipien
use it’s making
t h e D e s e r v ated. Is it the 19
50
me nause-
To s again or wha
are Award,
when is it ok t? Since
ayfor a woman
of the Fish C
her entire lif to give up
e for a man,
tching my betta sparkly vam or I guess so
a n k y o u fo r w a pire this tim me
Th e? This piece
g break. I love
shit so
me deem as ‘a of
st T h a n k sg iv in no taste or intellig
classic’ has abso
lutely
fish la n ot sure some-
ence for that mat
ter. Ei-
th o u g h I’ m ther that or they
you, even ’re all just a bunc
or your bipolar of sexist idiots.” h
if it’ s y o u I se e
times I
o rd e r. I lo v e you anyway,
d is
k . It ’s h a rd to be patient with
thin od
o u so m e tim e s. You are very go
y
ot die.
at making fish n
DAYS 6-15
MIDDLE & END
“T hese are the rants received during the final ten

days of the project. They begin at November 20
and end on November 29. Any rants received later
were included on the Words I Never Said blog.”
To a friend:
30 The distance has torn us apart, but I’m not so sure that this a bad
thing. Our goals and our perspectives are just so different ... too different.
“Please
what “When you ask the rhetorical question of ‘Who
just let me do should I live for now that I’ve given up
op lling me
te
I want to do. St tell on you?’, I always want to say, ‘Why don’t you
d wrong. Don’t
what’s right an ou t bad live for yourself?’”
going to turn
me that it’s all y. You
th at I’m go in g to be unhapp on
and
d o n ’t k n o w what’s going When you complain how you can’t touch me be-
really you has
rything for cause I get so annoyed, I want to say that that was
because eve rfect.
good and pe when I was LITTLE; you can’t possibly expect me
always been d
e be en he ld back enough an to act like I was back then. What’s the use of me
I’v a little.”
just want to live pretending I like it when I don’t? You know
very well that it’s something that I can’t change.
“I hate that the
o way nly When you start talking about my academics and
you can reco
ver from how you’re so disappointed, I want to tell you that
a breakup is
by saying you had way too high expectations to begin with and
shit about th
e other was so possessed with the fact that I was going to
person until
you feel turn out EXACTLY how you wanted.
better about
yourself.
It m
akes me wonde Ultimately though, I just want you to realize how I’m
r what
you say about m not a bad daughter, just not the perfect one. I
e behind
my back.” want you to understand how to be happy with what
you have.
“Th But I also understand where you’re coming from, and

that’s the only reason I don’t talk back to you every
an time you lecture.”
ky
ou.” “I’m mature enou
my own decision
me or the peop
gh to make
s. Don’t judge
le I chose to be
with. I can’t belie
ve you think I
am unjustly self-ce
ntered. Yes, I
confess I can be
self-centered
at times. But w
hen it co mes
to who I date
... it’s perfect
ly fine for me -
to be self-cen
tered. I am go -
ing to date who
I want and who
is best for me.”
MIDDLE & END THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.
“There is nothing you can do

now to ever make me trust you again. I will never be
able to hug you and feel clean; you have robbed
from me the ability to feel at home in my
home. Showers will always make me feel dirtier, never
cleaner. There is a residue of blackness that your eyes
and that camera left on my body that will perpetuate my
life forever. But I can’t do a single thing about it because
it would break her heart. If she knew you what you had
done, what you are capable of doing, she would live
the rest of her life hating herself for everything she never
knew. I don’t think I will ever find love be-
cause I will never again make the mistake
of trusting a man. You were the one man that there
should never have been question, I should have always
been able to go to and you should have been there
then in ways that I will never let you be now. And now,
now, you think you can just pretend like it never hap-
pened and maybe I will forget. It’s too late for you.
I hate that you try so hard now to be better, but it will
never change what you did. You give back what you
took from me; you find a way to give me back every-
thing that you tainted, and things will change. But you
can’t take it back. Your mind will never forget what your
eyes have seen. You will never again see me as
innocent because you yourself are the one
who stole that innocence. What did I do to make
you think it was okay? What could I have done differ-
ent to have prevented everything from happening? But
more than anything, Dad, how could you take from me
the one thing that a father should have protected?”
To the girl from kindergarten/first grade: I hope that one day you can forgive me for what you thought
32 I had done to you. And one day accept that I apologized endlessly for something I didn’t even under-
stand, hoping you would explain my wrongdoing to me. I hope you have a good life going ... I wish I knew
if you did or not.
“Stephen. Who the hell are you now?

You used to be the sweetest kid. Now? Not so much. The Stephen I knew would never
do the things you’re doing. Getting high with a friend that was sent away to rehab in
another state? Cheating on girls? We used to be best friends. What happened to
us? Where did you go? When you started dating Christine, you stopped talking to all
of your friends. You got a whole new set, didn’t you? Too bad the kids who knew who
you really were weren’t included in that. You left me completely. Started saying mean
and horrible things about me — to my face and behind my back. And I hate you for it
because you of all people should know that I don’t need that. I didn’t need it then, and
I don’t need it now. I hope you know our theatre department was completely free from
drama until you showed up. You think you’re amazing at everything you do. Let me tell
you something: YOU CANNOT ACT. I don’t care what Liv says. You can’t act. You
suck. They hand stuff to you because E loves you. And yeah, you’re a good singer ... but
only by comparison to the lack of talent in our school. You are by far not the best male
singer I’ve heard, just one of the best we’ve got. I don’t know why they hand stuff to you
but they do. And as much as it’s not fair, it happens. But you’ve let it go to your head. You
think you’re so cool and you’re not. At all. You’re a jerk. You play with girls’ emotions and
move from girl to girl within a few weeks. What, do you need a new girlfriend every
show? Christine during right after the Boyfriend. Cheating on Christine with Sydney dur-
ing Jukebox. Screwing around with Jenny during Twelfth Night? I hope you know all these
girls REALLY liked you. I really liked you. Until I found out who you really were. You are
possibly one of the most pompous, arrogant, annoying people I’ve ever met.
I hate you.”
i d i ot !”
r e a n
“You’
“I realize that you’re hurt but
get over it; there was never anything, and no
one cares. Move on and stop bugging me. I
don’t want to talk to you every five minutes, and I
can tell you’re only here for one thing. Get over
yourself and find someone who will put
up with you. Just because you have ‘stalkers’
doesn’t make you awesome.
Don’t be so mean to them; they
have feelings too.”
“I’ve tried so hard to justify what

I did to you in my mind, and every single time,
for some reason, my argument with myself loses
more and more fuel. So I’m finally saying
this: I’m sorry for those three weeks
of horrible treatment I gave you after
we broke up. I’m sorry I went to everyone
else with our problems but never came to you
to talk about them. I’m sorry I hid so much of
what I was feeling away from you instead of
sitting down and telling you about it. I said
you were my best friend but yet in the end,
I lied. You knew everything about me that I
showed you, that I faked because I thought it
would make you happy and in the end, it only
made you even more hurt than you ever have
been before.
I’m sorry
“I wish
for everything.” “You told
how me I couldn’t do
I could show it,
te w ha t you did but I accomplis
much I apprecia ver hed it in
hyper kid that ne
for me. I was that poten- the end. So th
a
ver really showed the nk you for
focused and ne saw your words
of discourag
l of this, you e-
tial. Despite al fa ct th at you be- ment; they fue
potential I ha
d. Th e led me to be
allowed me to even better.”
lieved in me then
l now.”
be so successfu
“You were an amazing friend at first,

and you helped me through so much. But now, you take me for granted.
You don’t think that I’d ever have the guts to end our friendship. You ig-
nore everything I say, then you get upset when I get mad at you. We’ve
tried to work things out, but nothing’s the same. You claim that I’m
your friend, yet you don’t treat me like one. I’m tired of hoping
that one of these days, you’ll come up, give me a hug and say you’re
sorry. I wish you would come to your senses and that things could go
back to how they were a few months ago.”
34 To my best friend,Thank you for always being here for me. I really owe my life to
you. You have always been by my side through my good and
bad moments. You bring out the best in me, and you
are more than capable of handling my flaws. I’ve
made plenty of mistakes and am blessed that you are able to
accept my apologies and move on. I never meant to hurt you.
I think that if we stick together, we can help each other. I’m
amazed by your compassion every day, and I just want to sin-
cerely thank you for being such a devoted and loyal friend :)
Dear _____
__, “I wanted to be close to you so much, but you
k that
s re a lly q ui te sad to thin always held back. Sure, it was fun to banter and joke, but
It’ e you
ch a g e nu ine person lik there was always a wall. Maybe it was my fault; maybe it was
su form
e and con
would chang in g you yours. Maybe it was both of us. You were just too much
to th e v ery th
in ot be. of an immature idiot to realize that our relation-
promised n hate who
u, but I do ship could have been deeper, and now it’s too
I don’t hate yo ope
in g like, and I h
yo u’ re a ct wake late. I wonder if you even realized how much you affected
n e d a y you can
o from me. Probably not. That’s too bad, and I’ve moved on.”
e yourself
up and se . and
le’s eyes ..
other peop
change.
“Why did you even say we could be friends? We never talk anymore, and you never
put in the effort, which was always the problem. I put everything I had into
our relationship, and you held back. Like you always do. We were supposed
to last. We were supposed to work out. Now, we can’t even talk about it. You’re so
perfect at everything else in your life, but you weren’t perfect at a relationship. But you
didn’t even try. You just gave up. And I will never forgive you for that.”
To that kid:
I’ll always know in my heart that
I did the right thing: to help
you. I know you never forgave
me, but maybe one day you will
because I know it would change
things and the way you see the
world. I don’t know if I ever truly
loved you, but it’s a shame to see
what we have become. I never
wanted you to be a stranger
to me.
To erhe thim : disappointment in my life. An’tdexI-

You w e bi est
gg ctation, but I didn
e with expe
ntment only cam ncy is all I
thought disappoi e ba re m inimum dece
pect much from
you: th right ... maybe
eo ne I th ou gh t was so great, so mething
expected. In so
m w can I miss so
m ay be I jus t miss you, but ho bu t m ay be you
I was dumb, I sp ea k from pride,
that was never
mine? M ay be now become
u to ok fo r granted has
t yo
will regret wha
t yo u’ ll ne ver have.
w ha
“Religion is not an excuse to

discriminate. Whether it be creed, color,
sexuality or any other number of things, you have
no right to discriminate, and your religion is a
weak excuse to do so. Stop preaching hate.
Learn to love everyone, not just those
who think like you. If you can’t manage that,
why the fuck are you religious? Jesus preached
love and kindness. Show that his words actually
do mean something to you instead of just praying
for my soul for disagreeing with you.”
To my “friend”:
Sure, we’re considered “friends,” but the truth is we’re really not, and you don’t have any REAL friends
simply because all you care about is yourself. That’s all you ever talk about: your life, your friends, your
family, your endless problems, your crushes (which change every week) ... and whenever someone tries
to talk about him or herself a little bit, your one-word responses make it so obvious that you don’t give a
crap. Maybe if you were a little less self-centered, a little more caring and actually
listened to others, you would know what it’s like to have REAL friends.
“I don’t know
quotes when I re
why I ever used
ferred to you all
family. You have as my
been there for m
so much, and I lo e through
ve you all more
can imagine. Th than you
ank you fo r being
everything I
ne eded and mo
can’t even begin re. I
to describe how
will miss you all much I
next year, and I
hope that
we are always
this close.”
36 “I was at work today
,
came in — a man. He ordere
me with all of the sincerity
minding my own business.
d a pizza. As I was counting
in his soul and said, ‘Than
A customer
out his change, he looked
k you. Thank you for
at
you. I may never know being
your name, but I will
“Thank you for friendly smile until th remember your warm
e day I am laid to rest ,
being there; you loved. Never forget th in my grave. You are
at, young lady.’ I was
are truly one of the walked over to start makin thrown off completely. I sm
nicest people I’ve ever g his order. I thought about iled and
I asked him why he had sai it — a lot. As I handed him
met. Some of the other d these things. He told me his pizza,
scars which resemble past it was because he could see
people you hang out struggles and he would nev my
touching my heart today. W er forgive himself if he left
with irritate the hell out hat’s the point of all this? I without
of me, but it’s alright live like him. Thank the little simply want to challenge you
old lady in the baker y for to
since you always smile. Thank the immigrant alw ays welcoming you with a wa
behind the counter at the rm
manage to brighten my your dinner. Thank the eld fast food joint where you pic
erly man in the car ahead k up
day. There’s things I’ve your boss for giving you an of you for letting you pass. Tha
opportunity and a chance nk
always wanted to tell strangers who’ve aff . Thank those complet
you, but I still can’t and ected your life more e
than they’ll ever know
won’t. But mainly: .”
thank you.”
“We’ve been friends for over four years.

I’ve liked you the entire time, but I never said a thing, figuring we wouldn’t
have a chance. Now we’ve both gone through relationships and times when
you told me that you liked me when I didn’t make a move. Now here we are,
I’ve been helping you through a bad break-up where you are still head-over-
heels for him, even when he did awful things to you and a lot of other people.
I was your shoulder to cry on the entire time, wanting always to say how I felt
but knowing you still wanted him and me saying anything would only worsen
everything. This is the worst thing I’ve done in my life.
I said nothing — to THE girl.”
“I lo To those who I have hurt and
ve
so b you, bu will hurt and to those who will
lind t never know I hurt them:
you you’re I’m sorry. For everything. For what I said
can’ j
t see ust
and didn’t say. For what I did and didn’t
do. I’m sorry if I gave you an eye roll that
it.” ruined your day or laughed when you
needed comfort. I’m sorry if I said the
wrong thing or mistreated you in any way.
I’m sorry that I didn’t have the courage to
help you or apologize to you. I’m sorry
if I insulted you or your beliefs.
That is criminal. I’m sorry if I was
mean to you (even in my mind) or talked
behind your back. (What an awful thing to
do.) I’m sorry if I negatively affected you
in any way. This message is meant as an
apology, but it doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
“ T h e r e gs
t of thin
are a lo said to a “I just met you, but I feel like I’ve
I h a d u t known you forever. I feel like you’ve taken
I wish n t p e o ple, b everything inside of me and jumbled it
if fere y
lot of d ould like to sa around. I’m giddy when you write on my
I w Facebook wall, and I’m delirious when
mostly i v e y ou.” you smile at me. I never thought I’d be
I forg one of those girls falling hopelessly,
but I think you’ve converted me.”
“Girl, I love you so much. You’re the best friend I

ever could have asked for. I wish I could say it to you because I’m not sure
you always realize how much you mean to me. I’m sorry we go a week or
sometimes more without talking, but I know you understand how it is. I get busy.
I get distracted. I start to hate myself, and suddenly I don’t want to talk to any-
one. But it doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking about you in the spare moments.
That sounds really lesbian-ish, and I don’t mean it that way, but I know you
would know what I mean. You would laugh and say, ‘I get it.’
You’ve been so great the past few weeks as I’ve been struggling to get
over that damn boy (and I give him that epithet in the most affectionate way
possible because, of course, he was my friend long before he was my boy-
friend, and I don’t want to put you in the middle any more than
you already are). I know he’s calling you too and probably complaining
about me, and I admire the fact that you are somehow dealing with both of us
without blowing up in each of our faces because we’re a frustrating pair, and
we do stupid shit a little too often. It was OK when we were together, but it’s
less fun now that things have gone south. I know you’ve spent a few too many
nights on the phone with me as I re-hash what happened for hours, trying to
process it all, trying to find a way through it. I know that has been less than
fun, and I appreciate so much that you never once told me to just get over it
already. You understood it was going to be a process, and for
some reason you were willing to help me go through it. You
never got frustrated with me even though I gave you a thousand reasons to.
I hope that you know that I love you, and I will do my best to always
be there for you, no matter what you need (Ice cream? A movie date
to that movie no boy would ever see with you? Someone to
be there for you at 2 in the morning because someone broke
your heart? You got it). Not just because of this but because I care so
much about you. We’ve been through a lot together, but we’ve only gotten
close the past couple of months. And honestly, it was one of the best things that
ever happened to me. I’ll never forget our late summer nights in the parking lot,
just the three of us before things got so complicated. And I promise that,
for you, he and I will find a way to make things simple again.
We’ll find a way to fix this. It just doesn’t make sense when it’s not the three of
us, and if we can’t fix our relationship for our own sanity, I at least will try to find
a way to do it for you because I love you so much (I think we both do), and I
know the last thing you want is for this to break up the three of us. I promised
you this wouldn’t change us, and it won’t. Love you so much, girlie.”
38
“You’ll never know how many times you’ve made me cry with the things you’ve said and
the way you treat me. How is it that somebody who’s supposed to be there for you
through everything can be the one person to make you hurt the worst?”
I may never share, but that

“I have one
secret thnatI as pire to be. I
hope that if
I
“It makes my heart hurt every time
is not the perso not hate me or judge me. I think of you. And I may just live with it every day for the rest
is because it will
n tell you, you I cannot forg
ive
of my life because you’re not just my ex-boyfriend; you’re my
one day I ca
ad e th e m istake, and y ow n life
m m
hate that I e past this in best friend. You’re still the person I can run to with
to th is da y. I hope to mov I am ashamed, but
myself y again. e everything that’s going wrong, and I know that
become happ never make th
and one day m m y m ist ak e and could rso n th er e you’ll always be there. You always have been. I almost
I have learne
d fro ost religious pe
ak e ag ai n. I’m not the m m e. It w as the big- wish you had taken that away from me, too. Maybe it would
same mist n forgive
that God ca an that.” make it easier if you weren’t so damn kind and caring and for-
is, but I hope life , an d I knew better th
ist ak e of m y giving. And you think you’re a “heartless bastard”? I never want
gest m
to hear those words from your lips again, not if you’re referring
to yourself. After everything I put you through the past couple of
weeks, I’m shocked speechless that you’re still willing to see the
“I secretly hate you. You don’t
good in me (even when I’m convinced there is none left) and
respect my family or other friends. give me yet another chance.
You have backstabbed me
in ways you wouldn’t “You’re These are the reasons I love you. These
are the reasons I’m so broken right now. And I
even think you did.
Sometimes you so much more than can’t even blame you because you’re doing
this so that I don’t get hurt worse further
listen to me,
but others
what you think of yourself. down the road. You don’t feel the same,
and I suppose that’s something you
you just sort
of nod
You’re an amazing per- can’t help because I know you tried.
You love me that much that you re-
and say
yeah. I
son, and I hope you realize ally tried. You just don’t love me the
right way, I guess.
secretly how lucky a girl would be to
hate And one day, I’ll be
you.” have you. Even if it’s never going to able to be OK with
be me, I hope one day you believe that. But right now,
it’s killing me.
in how smart, funny and sensitive
Despite the evening I’ve had, I can’t
you really are. If I saw it, I can just pick up the phone and dial your
number and explain to you just what has
promise a million other gone wrong in my life and let you remind
me that there are people in this world who
girls will too.” think I’m worth something. Not because you
wouldn’t do that for me but because I think it would
kill me. It would hurt way too much to let you say those
things to me when everything is still so raw.
I told you I was moving on yesterday. I told you
there wouldn’t be any more late-night, alcohol-laced telephone
calls. I told you I had seen the error of my ways. And I have
to believe that I have because otherwise I’m going to ruin any-
thing we have left. But some part of me fears it’ll always be you,
and that’s a chance I’m gonna have to take.”
“I’m sorry I’
ve
been an ass
hole.”
“Sometimes I just love so much it hurts. I will never

understand the teenage notion of ‘love.’ It is so messed up. Just
like we all learn in different ways, we all find enjoyment in do-
ing different things, so why can’t we all love in different ways?
Some people will want to date; some will want to go steady;

some may just want to play around. Some people will love
someone so, so much but won’t express it with affectionate
touches and kisses. That’s OK. Some go overboard with
showing loved ones how they feel with hugs and kisses and
affection. That’s OK too!
What’s not OK is to try and force someone to love

in a way they don’t want to love. It is so not OK to cut
off affection from someone who is affectionate. It is like taking
out a whip and giving him or her lashes ... it is that painful.
Love is an individual who affects so many other people. But if

those other people are willing to open themselves up and let in
that love, they are making a pact — a pact saying ‘I accept
your way of love and respect that you love me for
everything I am.’
So even after a break up, a falling out between friends or a

fight between parents, that pact — that invisible bond — is
supposed to draw the people back to each other. So why is it
that so often people ignore the pact or the bond or pretend that
it wasn’t there in the first place?
Love is wonderful, and it sucks. And it will take forever and

beyond to understand why we love how we love and what it all
means. Overall, love is a lesson of acceptance: some-
thing we teenagers really need a lesson in. We need to accept
that we all love in different ways and to respect that and nurture
it rather than shun and hurt it. I would love to see that accep-
tance come about.
Imagine what would happen just in our schools ... imagine what
it would be like if that acceptance of differences happened all
over the world...
After all, love is a powerful force.”

40
“You have disappointed me. You are my mother, but you are not nice to me. And even as you try to seem nice now, this is not always the case,
and I know it. You have not changed and will not. I am still very angry with you, and I have no idea how long it will take me to get over the past and
the hurt that you have caused me. You have hurt me more than I ever thought I could be hurt, and it has greatly affected me
in many ways. I will always love you, as you are my mother, but there will be no change in our relationship anytime soon. I hope that one day
things can be OK between us, but I cannot tell you when or if that will happen. I am sorry, but I do not only blame myself.”
“Do you even know what “I am gonna keep it short and sweet:
you’re saying? How can you be You two are the most worthless,
so harsh? You did the same things ... just last backstabbing bitches that I ever
year as a matter of fact. You made mistakes met in my life. Hope to never see
and so do I. Just because I’m not the anyone like you two in the future.”
best doesn’t mean I’m worthless.
Maybe I don’t even care. Maybe what “You hav
e such a h
you think is the most important thing in now, one y old on me
the world doesn’t matter to me at all. I ear after I d . Even
tried. I failed. I know. You don’t need to c la s s , I still hesitate ro p p e d your stupid
rub it in. I can just give up if that’s what that you to say anyth
all will ju ing for fear
you wanted. But I’d rather not. You’ve since this is d ge me. Bu
given me reason to try harder; apparently t hell,
a n o u tlet for wha
I will get it right. I can get better, and want to say tI
I will owe it all to your criticism and To the , here goes
Humanit :
judgment. All those sneers and scoffs talented. You are ies Class of 2009: Yo
more sk u are
only make me try harder. You made aandll of it because you are billeted. You got into the schoosmls arter than I am. You are m
with maybe te r people tha , the plays, ore
things harder for me, but you made The second only two ex n I could ev the sports te
ce p tio ns er ho p e ams ...
I dropped th , I hate you. to be. You are
me stronger. So thank you for not beat class, yo You inadve all shit
u stopped rtently mad
speaking e my life he
lieving in me. You’ve given me I rem yo u in the halls. to m e when I pa ll.
ember whe ssed
n
the pleasure of proving you were with them e invited me to join yo
sh
insisting it w for three and ur end of ye
wrong.” ould be aw
kw
a half years ar
; surely they celebration. She said
ard but she ’ll want you , you
fucking word insisted. So there. I dec
to me. Not I lined,
one. I grad came, and none of yo
This last sum ed your pa u said a
mer pers instead
and blocked , I deleted almost all o .
the ones I re f yo
and ever ceived. I co u from my Facebook.
yone from mpletely I deleted yo
[high sch separate ur emails
ool], and d myself
time in a I am now from you
long time happy fo
I just thought . r the firs
it would be t
shit in my ey nice to men
es. That pro tion that yo
bably does u, perfect p
with, but h n’t count fo eople that yo
ey, have fu r much since I’m less u are, are
n judging than you to
I still get mo th is rant. begin
st of the em
Please, do ails you send
me a favor — the block
decide to and take m feature does
show up e off the list. not work per
at one of If you don’t, fectly.
your eve I might a
nts, which ctually
no one rea
lly wants.”
“Do you even know the definition of family? Don’t think I was
stupid enough to forget the things all of you did to me when I was
younger. What allowed you to think it’s OK to just not
accept us? What did she ever to do you? What did I ever do to
you? And now, after all that has happened, you should have
learned your lesson, but you didn’t.
I can see right through your fake smiles and
unaffectionate hellos and hugs. As much as
I wish I had people to fulfill your roles in my
life, you’re not worth my time.”
“I didn’t do anything to you. You said that you were okay
with what was going on between us; you knew every detail and had a boy-
friend at the time. I don’t understand why we are no longer friends. How can
something like this come between two people who were best
friends for years? You used to be the one I turned to and trusted, but you
broke that trust and walked away from my life. Now, we talk, but it’s different
and seldom. You’re a different person toward me, and I don’t like it. I am still
the same toward you. I dislike how you act toward me now; even others notice
how you act toward me and can see that you are not a friend. Sometimes
I wonder if we could ever be friends again, but unfortunately,
I don’t see it, which makes me very
sad. If this is what things have come to, and “Thank yo
not on
u. You have
this is how you are going to be, then it can be the deptly pulled me up from
hs of ev
this way. I wish you the best and more; I have drowning in, but erything I was
also placed m
always been a true friend to you.” higher than I e
ever though t I could
be. To the pe
rson who push
me down ther ed
e in the first pl
“...I also hate the fact that you it’s over now;
you are over
ace,
now.
Never come
near me agai
are always crushing my dreams, life is a much
better place w
n. My
joy, happines ith
telling me that’s impossible; that’s You tried to sq
s, and opportu
nity.
ua
dumb; how could you even of my spirit; yo sh ever y part
u almost won
glad you didn . I’m
think that you could do through hell,
’t. You took m
tried to break
e
And now look me.
something like that? I had ter than I have
at me: much be
t-
ever been.
a dream — still do — that some-
day I’d drop out of college and Tth o the first
person,
ank you. I
take a couple friends all who will
love you fo
rever.”
are like me — desperate to get
away from the injustice of life —
and take a motorcycle tour of Europe for a couple
of years. For years, I imagined the rise that I would
get out of you, but I never voiced this dream
because I knew you’d just fly into a rage or laugh
at me and tell me that I’m being ridiculous again and
direct me back to whatever boring task I was doing.
For every single time that I’ve thought I loved you,

there are five times when I’ve known I hate you. You
may provide everything I need physically, but your
emotional nurturing scores a zero.
P.S. He’s not your cat. He’s OURS.”

t a n d you,
42 “I don ’t u n d e r s
and I’m n ot s u re I ever will.”
“You say you’re my best friend and that you’ll always be there
for me. But ever since I left town, I’ve completely lost you. You never talk to me anymore no
matter how hard I try. And I have always tried. I have always tried to spend time with
you, and you never give me the time of day. Even when I know you’re doing nothing at all,
you won’t make any sacrifices to see me. We used to be inseparable. Do you forget that?
Do you not want that anymore? Or have you found someone to take my place, just like you
did with all the girls you’ve ever dated? Ha. Dating you, the worst mistake: I had
a backstage look at your love life for three years; I knew everything
about how you treated people. I guess because I was your best friend I thought
it would be different. And the hell you dragged me through with you — and all I got was
loneliness and enemies. God dammit. And the worst part of all this: I love you.
I love you completely. I will always want to be a part of your life, and you are still my
number one, my president. And you will never appreciate this; you’ll never even realize this
because you are so stubborn and blind. I need you now. And you’re killing me. And no
matter how much my head tells me this, my heart and my soul and my everything will want
to be beside you. Please, please see me again.”
d now we
e of my be st friends, an
used to be on granted, but none
“You
ke m e an d ever yone else for ite you
You ta ymore ... we inv
don’t even talk. t yo u or your life an r you,
of us really ca re ab ou
t going to be
he re fo My be
what I w st friend
da y w e’re no t ha ving
ty. One sorry for no
places out of pi the least bit s
ily to me ld do without yo : I don’t know
w on ’t fe el ha pp ie r w ithout ou
and I honest
ly
e m ov ed on an d am much u. You a
ymore. I’v , and th
your back an e down.” ere are re like fa
ways bringing m I can tru a fe m-
you in my life, al ly
which ta talk to about a w of you whom
“Stop ke s a lot for m n y th in g . I trust y
with you e to do ou,
b
blasting the know ev ecause you see , but I am willing
erything m to tru
music in at times, an
which I d can read me li e. You
st m
your b lov ke a boo
car. You are e cause it e (though k
not cool. you kn makes opening it can be scary
The bass in that ow tha up easie )
question- you hav tIa r. I h
able music yo e been m here for y ope
u listen to yo u with t h ou, as
makes me wan thank all of m ere for me.
t to stab yo y h ear I love
someone.” have d u enough fo t and cannot
on r
needed e and being all that you
someo there
your ad ne mo when
vic st. I
support, e, your care, y If it were not fo
I’m not our time r
far. And sure I co , and yo
for that, u ur
er lose thank yo ld have come th
you. Ple u, and I is
when I n ase, hope to
eed you always be there nev-
most as
I will be for me
for you.
usemates:
, fantastic ho
To my lovely crites. How is it
that de-
of hypo
You’re a bunch when I breath
t I ca n see my breath
spite the fac
— we ’re not allowed
AT cold
— YES, it’s TH it’l st too much
l co
ng on because
the central heati to yo u tw o snuggling up
come s
BUT when it SA M E program I have
THE
upstairs watching m, that’s OK?
the living roo
on downstairs in ty. Why do you
waste of electrici
Surely, that’s a cri tes ab ou t this? If this is
hypo
have to be such wo n’t pa y as much as
to be I
how you’re going
icity bill.
you in the electr
Some of my words of wisdom:

Be yourself. Ha! Isn’t that so cliché? But it is full of
truth. The people who matter are not going to care
about how much you fit in. They are awesome
and care about you, no matter what. Find
these people and surround yourself with them. They
will be there for you to cheer you up or make you
smile. Just remember that they have added you to
their circle and also need a shoulder to lean on. Em-
brace your inner dork and show people you’re amaz-
ing despite somewhat embarrassing talents. This
is a courage that not many people have
and when people see it, they will respect
you all the more. I know that I don’t have this
courage, but I wish I did. Pursue your passions. Just
because everyone else is doing one thing, it doesn’t
mean that you can’t do what you love. Celebrate
anything. Just because it is not a holiday doesn’t
mean you can’t have a party. It’s what life is about.
History repeats itself. Make funny faces in the mir-
ror. The power of a smile is underrated. I am almost
done. A few more things: Don’t be serious all
the time. Live life to its fullest. And never
fall asleep in class because people will make fun
of you. It’s an automatic right.
44 “It’s not OK that you chea
him even though he’s a littl
I wish we weren’t frie
ted on your boyfriend, and
e five-year-old who needs
nds anymore. You’re no
to gro w
I side with
a pair.
anyhow, and stop hitting me t a real friend
. You don’t get to decide wh
good and bad moods ba en people are in
sed on your emotions! Ev
OK? You’re not the only on eryone has PMS,
e!”
“It’s so obvious that you like her, LOVE her.

You’ve loved her ever since you “broke up” that fake relationship with a girl who really
cared for you. She now has an amazing boyfriend who actually cares for her too, not
just her age or shape or anything. Anyways, the fact that you chose to break up with her
and then ask her out again a few hours later is just ridiculous. It took her two weeks to say
yes to you in the first place. You really think that she’d say ‘yes’ a few hours
after you broke up with her? And now you STILL keep flirting with her and talk
about her with one of her best friends. I also see you flirting with that best friend who
has a BOYFRIEND. I know that I shouldn’t really be bothered by this, but the girl you’re
in love with, her best friend, and their other friend are a few of my best friends who I talk
to every day. And I can’t stand seeing you flirt with two of them — mainly the one you
love — every single day. Go get a grip on life, take it for a ride, and get over
her because she is way past over you even though she still leads you
on. She’s just that kind of person to do that and although I don’t agree with it, I’m still her
friend. So just chill off and find a new girl to like. Stop being such a manwhore.”
d st ar ed at an empt y page for a good amount

“I sat here an doesn’t involve you. I
confession to type up that
of time trying to think of a te to admit it, but I still th
ink about
me up wit h an yth ing . I ha ntage
couldn’t co wh y. I wish you didn’t take adva
I ha ve no clu e
you a lot, and od luck with everything
ryt hin g, an d I wis h thin gs were dif ferent now. Go
of eve need it.”
talk, I know that you really
because even if we don’t
“Your boyfriend is a douchebag

who doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t
listen; he doesn’t love. I don’t even
think you love him. I’m done chas-
ing after you, but that doesn’t change
who he is. He hasn’t won.
You can do better.”
“In my high school, there’s a class

called Humanities. That’s basically an AP
class higher than GT [gifted and talented]. A lot of
others and I have quite a few problems about “Hum
kids” — not ALL Hum kids but the ones from my class
of 2012. First off, they all think they’re smarter than
EVERYBODY. (By the way this isn’t about ALL of
the kids in that class.) There’s this one boy who I’m sort
of friends with and whenever I say something about
school or my grades, he’ll try to one-up me. I’ll
be like “I got an A on my Algebra 2 test,” and he’ll be
like “I got an A on my Calculus AB AP test,” or some-
thing along the lines of that, and it’ll not make feel ex-
cited anymore for an A, which I got on a test I thought
I bombed. Second, they freak out way too much about
their grades. That isn’t a completely bad thing but
when they’re upset because they got a 90% or some-
thing ... that’s ridiculous! Third, they’re just so …
ughhh. I can’t even explain it! They tend to
clump together and make other people feel left out.
On a side note, my friend told me that my ex said this
to her, “I’m through dating dumb girls and from now
on, I’m only dating girls in Hum because no one else
is good enough.” OK, sorry, but I’M TAKING
THE SAME GOV AP CLASS AS YOU WITH
THE SAME TEACHER AND CURRICULUM
(just in a different period), and I have a B in it, which
isn’t that bad even if you do have an A. So yeah, I’m
friends with a few of the Hum kids and all, but a few of
them can really just get on my last nerve.”
ur des-
ed les s att en tio n-w ho rin g is quite childish, and yo
“Your ne u less.”
de si re to be va lu ed only makes others value yo
perate
“My friends warned me, but I love danger,
46 and you were a dangerous man.”
Because I think way too much:

Just because I am a little weird doesn’t mean that you are better
than me. I am going to be myself, no matter what you think. And to
the braggers: other people did just as well as you. Not I’d appreciate
everyone needs to know. Think about how the other people it if you made
feel. I know I am insecure sometimes. So I have built a façade, and a move soon.
I am not sure where me begins and the façade starts. And it is to
impress those awesome people in my life — not the most popular I like you.
people but the smartest and kindest. The thing is though, it
doesn’t matter what part is truly me or not because
I have fun all the time with the me I have built, and I
guess, in the end, that is what being yourself is, being
the person that you want to be and have fun being. I
know where I am in the world, and I like it, so in the end, I am not
going to care about the people who think they are better than me.
It’s cool to know that I am the person I want to be.
carrying yoorube?cause
“Why am I be cr ying on the flo
Without me, you’d y legs.
to move your own laz
“I thin you don’t know how ng in hell.
k ing you from burni
I’m the only one keep
you it’s annoy Maybe I’ll just le
t your hand sl ip ou t of
k i e?”
the fa now she ng that
t be fin
u fall, wouldn’t tha
mine. Watching yo
y
t she is seriou ou want
ct tha
‘is no
t payi s about m my girl
ng att f
ention e. And ye riend ev
to you ty en
as a f ou are still though
riend. e
’ Bull. motional
Back ov
of f...” er
“I’m sor
ry fo
mess up b r ever ythin
really did
much. Say
ing goodb
ig time, bu
t da g. I know I
ever had ye was by mmit, I still love you
to d far the ha so
and alth o. I can’t believ rdest
ough I d e I let th thing I’ve
how you id is happe
got so d mess up, I still n
changed istant a don’t ge
. Were yo nd how t
q u
like that b ickly you
mask? If y u always
ou want o ut just put
But if you st ut, tell me on a
ill want to and then st
be friends op talking
then damn to me.
it, act like o
ne.”
I still care about you. And it hurts more than anything
that I can’t even be friends with you. We were best
friends before, and now I don’t even know who you
are. We were perfect. We still could be. You’re just too
ignorant to admit that you were wrong to break up with
me. Get over yourself and just be with me.
“I am so pissed right now I can hardly function.

Not only has my roommate gone and created a massive amount of drama
where there was none previously, but she has dragged me into the middle
of it and continues to tear me down on top of that. Why does she think
the world revolves around her?! Seriously? Someone’s being nice
to me so it’s automatically because she’s trying to make my roommate
jealous!? That makes perfect sense!
Seriously?! And the stupid bitch calls her parents and proceeds to have a
loud conversation full of lies to them when I am trying to watch a TV show!
Lack of respect! I always leave the room if I’m on the phone, whether
she’s studying or sleeping or watching TV. Do I get the same respect
in return? Of course not. Of course not! She can talk on the phone
anywhere! There’s only one TV!
And does she think I can’t hear her blatantly twisting the truth so it sounds
like she’s right? She was butting into someone else’s business all along!
There is no way she is the victim here! I wish she would stop trying to
make everyone feel sorry for her! Who does she think she is? God’s gift
to mankind? Does she think she can just butt into a situation that doesn’t
even involve her and tell everyone else what to do and someone isn’t
going to get pissed? S doesn’t owe her an apology! She owes S an
apology, if you ask me! If only N would stop coddling her and telling her
she did nothing wrong, maybe she would realize it! And she owes me
an apology, too! But for some reason, I’m just a non-person to
her. She doesn’t even have to consider my feelings. As far as she’s
concerned, I don’t have any. She can just go and step all over them, imply
that the only reason one of my friends is being nice to me is because she’s
trying to make my roommate feel bad! Who is she to judge that someone
is being ‘too friendly’ to me and is therefore ‘trying to make her jealous’?
Did it ever occur to her that maybe S likes me and treats me well because
I give her some respect and don’t deign to tell her how to run her life
every five minutes? No! Of course not! That would make too much
sense!”
48
“I wish that we could always be friends, but I am not sure that is possible. I will always think
of you as a good friend, no matter what. Hello, my friend, and if something or someone may come between us, I
wish you the best and hope you are happy. As your friend, that is what I want for you.”
“I see what you mean now

when you say I can choose not to hate. “You don’t n
eed a guy to
I wanted to hate you for what you had make you be
done: the manipulation, the leading on autiful. I know
you want a rela
afterward, the anger at me for having the tionship so bad
spine to call you out. But now I realize and you want to
have someone
that I have a choice: the choice who loves you
— trust me, I wa
between hatred and hope — hope it too! But you nt
for the friendship we once so ef- can’t let that
define you.
fortlessly had. I miss the support we You’re so muc
gave each other, the constant communi- more than that, h
and you deserv
cation, having someone who was always the guy who’ll o e
nly date you afte
there. In the end, letting our friendship die you believe in y r
as a result of stubbornness would be as ourself.”
great a shame as letting our relationship
die as a result of something so prevent-
able as taking you for granted. We’ve al- et yo u, I
ready had to experience one. So I choose
m ome nt I m
hope, hope that we are not beyond repair
Fro m t h e d yo u.”
and can be friends again. I just hope “ ante
Iw
my choice isn’t too late.” knew
“I’m really sick of hearing To all you
about her. I get it. I’m not as pretty, I’m
not as tall, I can’t drink as much, I’m
girls wearing
not as cool and I’m not good enough. leggings as pants:
Guess what else I’m not? Your It’s got to stop. I get wearing leggings with tu-
girlfriend! Stop comparing me to nics and dresses. You’re right; that’s fashionable.
her if nothing compares to her.” But hoodies, regular tops, uggs/rainboots
and leggings ... it just don’t work. I mean
really, you have underwear lines, and everyone
can see what you’re wearing underneath. You
don’t have underwear lines, and everyone can
see what you’re not wearing underneath. It’s
not cute. It’s not stylish. It’s not flattering ... on
anyone. So please, for your sake and ev-
eryone else’s, trade them in for an actual
pair of pants.
To tween girls everywhere:

You scare me. I know it’s hard to grow up, but you spend
so much time freaking out about guys, hair, make-up — you
backstab your friends, stress about your work, panic over
diets ... the list goes on, and it shouldn’t.
I can’t say what I wish I could: that I’m sorry, but life
only gets HARDER. So why make it hard now? For-
get trying to flirt or make out with Prince Probably Not-
So Charming. You’re too young for that. Diets? Are you
kidding me? Trying to steal your best friend’s boyfriend?
Your lives are not Gossip Girl (which you’re too
young to watch, by the way) and no one’s should be.
Just be kids, OK? Be nice to each other and don’t knock

each other’s appearance. Everyone’s insecure. Get off
your computers and play outside. There will
come a time when you can’t anymore. Take the
chance while you still have it.
Oh and by the way, the Jonas Brothers are not God and
are not replaceable in the expression ‘OMG.’
Edward Cullen is not a dream guy, and I’m sorry, but you
aren’t getting with Zac Efron or that home-
room cutie who only “stares” at you anytime
soon. And girlies? Pick up some grammar too while
you’re at it.
“ Yo u “I’m sick
of hearing
really didn’t a great a
nd aweso
about wh
at
That me me girl I a
hurt me. The fu- an m.
if I’m no s nothing to me
ture is always un- need ano
t with y
ou. I don
ther friend ’t
written. By the end ty. Just be
honest wit
. I have ple
n -
me you a hm
of it all, ends will jus- ren’t intere e and tell
a five yea sted. I’m n
r old; I ca ot
tify means.” truth. Stop n handle
th
tell e
less you w ing me I’m great un-
ant to be
with me.”
“I can’t hate you. Don’t get me wrong, I want to
50 hate you. Frankly, I want you to burn in hell, but I know that if you did
or if anything bad happened to you, I would feel guilty that it hap-
pened. Why did I even apologize to YOU? You should be
“You make abso-
begging for my forgiveness. YOU were the one who used me.
lutely no sense and you
never will, but I love that YOU were the one who played games and got me to do things that
you can make me I knew I shouldn’t. YOU were the one who assaulted me. YOU were
sad but you can also the one who ignored me saying ‘no.’ So why did I apologize?
make me the hap-
piest person on the
planet. I don’t know what
Yes, you did help me out. You were a friend but only part-time. You
to make of it, but when the knew what you did was wrong, and you took advan-
moment comes, I’ll take ad- tage of my low self-esteem.
vantage of it. When things
go bad, I’ll be there, don’t I take back my apology. I take back our friendship. I am
worry about one thing
because everything will
at the best part of my life, and I can’t get past what you did. I tug my
be good, and you can clothes shut when I walk by where you did it. I don’t trust anyone with
do anything because your name.
you are amazing,
and I love you. I wish I want you to know how I will never get past what happened. I wish
I could see you more, but
for what it’s worth, I will
you could know what it’s like. I wish you would trust some-
take advantage of every one and have them tear you apart, take your dignity
time I’m around you. I will away.
make every moment count
and help you through ev- I don’t hate you, but I sure as hell wish I could.”
erything in hopes that you
will someday feel the same
toward me.”
“I told you that I liked you on the last day of school. You gave me the biggest hug and told me that you wished
you could say that you like me but couldn’t. But you said that at one point you did like me. Over the summer, I
found out that you liked my best friend, who is also your best friend. She didn’t return your feelings, unfortunately. When school
began, for some reason we were awkward. Now we’re getting a bit better. You say you don’t like your best friend
anymore, but I just don’t know if I want to believe that. You get over girls easily, but I’m not sure if you’re over
her — THIS one. I still wish that we had a chance.”
re d — s o s c a r ed.
sca
“You made me s t a ny o ne now.”
And I c a n ’t tr u
“All of you heap your work onto me
because you aren’t willing to sacrifice your own
time to do what needs to be done. I run around
all class while you flirt and giggle with each other.
I’m not your packhorse. I’m not your slave, and
every time you say, ‘Oh wait, turns out we don’t
need that,’ I just want to punch your sneering
faces in because you assume your work is
more important than mine. But I just smile and
brush it off. According to you, it’s not like being a
photographer matters much anyways.”
ot a good
“You are thne first quarter of
d
teacher. I love fter that, we did “Thank you. I know I’ve told you
ut a
your class, b hile yo u that before, but I don’t think you’ll ever know
homework w
nothing but not retu rn how much you changed my life and helped
Lost. You did
talked about into yo u, me to come out of my shell. You’ve helped
at we turned
one project th a it ing to g e t m y me to be able to be me, to tell people my
s ti ll w opinion, say what I mean, and not be
and I am ry magazine] — scared of what they might think. You may
[th e lit e ra
copy of
one I edited.”
you know, the think that you only taught me the curriculum but
really, you taught me confidence. Thank you.”
“You are my best friend; I love you.

I can’t even describe how much you mean to me. I can talk
with you on the phone for hours and never have to worry about
awkward silences or small talk. We can spend hours yelling at
each other then be back to our normal selves in an instance.
But we only argue because we care about ... and
want what’s best for each other. Our equal amounts
of stubbornness makes it difficult to agree sometimes. We fight
because we love each other. Is it selfish to stay friends with you?
I don’t know what will happen to me if you leave or if I push
you away, but I just want what’s best for you. You tell me not to
push you away, and you tell me that you want whatever is best
for me. You say you care about me more than anything else in
the ... world. I feel like I’m holding you back from being happy.
I don’t know what to do anymore; all I know is that I need you.
You saved my life. Now it’s my turn to save you
from me. I cannot let you stay with me any longer. I want you
to be happy; I want you to be healthy; and I want you to move
on. Move on from me. It will hurt me; it may even kill me. But for
you, it’s worth it. You worry about me all the time. You lose sleep
a lot because you are too busy worrying about me.”
“We may have fun together, but we aren’t close friends no matter what you think. You
weren’t there for me when I needed it. You didn’t care about my problems, and you didn’t help
me. Thank goodness college will cut this friendship short.”
ay we endawed up.
“It really tsu cks the wand we threw it all ay. If you only
until one little mistake,
Everything was perfec ny decisions I’ve made
sinc e the n I’ve cried over you, how ma
knew how ma ny tim es . And if only you could just
be ca us e of yo u — if only you knew t you
in my life only ones that matter; tha
w up a little bit and rea lize your fears aren’t the rs. I’ve trie d to get
gro k wall of you
hiding away behind that thic
shouldn’t base your life on I should be sa yin g, ‘So I’m
won’t let me. And now
in so many times, but you t I sti ll do n’t think I can...”
this,’ bu
done; I don’t deserve
52 “Six years ago (has it been that long?) when you let me
go, did you know how much you meant to me? For five years I
had to live without the two of you, and although I was
young and didn’t know why you removed yourselves
from my life, I still felt the pain. I still do now.
Yes, we’re on speaking terms again now, like people bound by

blood and unconditional love should be. But will you ever ask
me for forgiveness for punishing me for something
that I took no part in? For something I was too young to un-
derstand?
And if you ever do, what will I say? I’ll probably say, ‘Yes be-
cause I still love you.’ And because of this I’ve been told by
some that I have a heart of gold. But here’s something for you: re-
member that gold is heavier than iron, and sometimes that
weight inside my chest is more oppressive than an anvil.”
“He has the

“I’m most beau
sorry for how
up. I smile in the tiful
things ended world.”
e me, and I
know you blam
y that you’re
guess I can’t sa
re not the only To all those who are blinded: Do you
wrong. But you’
‘sister.’ I
one who lost a
not get it? That you’re living in the real world? All of you seem
to be locked up in your own fantasies, blinded. I still don’t un-
did too.” derstand how can you care so much about so many things that
really don’t matter. And then how dare you act like those who
are not blinded are worthless? It’s not right to flirt with just
anyone; you’re toying with serious emotions. Do you not
see that? It isn’t just a game! It’s not right to look at me from
toe to head, examining what I’m wearing before really looking
into my eyes. Do you not know what friendship is? It’s
not right to just go around drinking and hooking up.
How can you not see that? And then when one who really
does know what’s up comes around, you secretly smirk at
them in class; you roll your eyes; you tease in the harshest
way; you laugh at your jokes. I could
care less about the blinded, but when
I see that you place yourself above
everyone else, I want to kick,
scream, yell as loud as I can for the
world to hear.”
u enough
“I never told yonow you are gone. You
how much you meant to me, and
on I could dream
were a role model and the sweetest pers
t a big brother,
of. People always say how much they wan
ly enough, I took
and I was lucky enough to have one. Sad
granted. Eleven
the time we got to spend together for
ugh time, and
years of my life just wasn’t eno
the awesome per-
I hardly got to know you for
that just isn’t long
son you were. You were only 21 and
, happy life, but
enough. You deserved to have a long
I never really
you lived the life you had to the fullest. “There is a lot more
e I thought
said how much I love you becaus
to Catholicism than
ether. I wish I facts, you butthead!
we would have more time tog And don’t sit there
e to let you
could see you just one more tim and pretend you’re
to me. You are
know that you meant the world smarter than I am,
, but you are in
my big brother, and I will never forget you
because I know
every day.” more about
heaven, and I know you watch over me faith than you
ever will!!!”
“We used to be so close; we could sit and talk for hours about
anything and everything. You have no idea how hard it was to sit across from you
and give you advice as you started dating my best friend or as you broke up with
her; when you and I gave a relationship a chance; when I started talking to you
again after you broke my heart and lost my trust; as you told me you were marry-
ing my best friend when I found out she was going to be the mother of your daugh-
ter. And now that you have her and your little one I don’t matter
anymore because I can’t relate to what you’re going through. I’ve
talked to your wife more than I’ve talked to you in the last little while.”
“I loved you. You were my

best friend
and then all of a sudden you
’re gone. I didn’t
understand what I did wro
ng, but apparently “No matter how nice I act
I just wasn’t good enough or how it doesn’t seem to bother to
. I know I have
someone now, and I me, I still have a disgust deep inside
should be happy,
but I still wonder every of me for you. I don’t hate you; I
single day
why we couldn’t stay can’t hate you. I was in love with
together when
you ‘loved me so mu you, but you never noticed until after
ch.’ Even when you
ended it, you promised me you left. You tell me you regret what
we could be best
friends ... forever. But I gue you did, but I ask myself if you really
ss people are right:
When you end it, there’s no mean it or are you just trying to sway
going back. Now,
you don’t even talk to me, me again? Whenever I see you, I
but I still try to say
‘hi’ from time to time in hop cannot help but shake
es that you will just
remember what we had.” uncontrollably.”
“I’m not a little kid anymore. I have big dreams that I’m too scared to tell you because just
you don’t listen to me. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not perfect, and I really don’t want to
be. That dream prodigy child that you want? It’s not me, but I guess you never listen.”
me-
bought so
went and
54
a t yo u u n o t to.
u n d e r stand th
t e ve n if I told yo
I
“I
e. I appre
ciate th a to act elik
thing for m t g ive yo u the right g kind
no are bein
ver, does
This, howe ething now. If you ething in re-
owe you
so m g som re
“I can’t stand ignorance. I’ve been h o p e s of gettin g kind? Even mo
in the a ll y b e in it g o .”
n is it re out it — let
called terrorist, sand nigger, and towel head. turn the are being an ass ab
when yo u
One: those aren’t even the right stereotypes,
idiot; I AM WEST INDIAN. Two: I was “Why did you leave me? How
born here too (Queens, New York, baby!) so could you, of all people, do this to me? I
don’t give me that shit. I was affected just like trusted you and loved you more than
anyone. You were always there and made
you were, probably even more so because me realize that there is a point to life. I
I lived in New York when it happened, and can’t believe you actually left
I was getting the glares of being a ‘terrorist’ my life so suddenly and put me
as well. You little bastards who did this shit to through that pain. You were the one
who always told me I deserved better,
me and anyone else who looks like me CAN and then you do this? Fuck you. I don’t
KISS MY ASS. ‘KAY, THANKS.” need you in my life; I just wish
you were still here.”
“BRITISH WEATHER!!! What are you doing? I can’t remem-

ber the last time I saw a hint of blue sky or SUNSHINE! I’m forget-
ting what it looks like! Please, just give us a day ... a little bit of sparkle — people
are starting to forget what it feels like to be dry. Imagine turning up at lec-
tures not looking like a drowned rat — oh, I’m sure it would be
magical. My feet no longer appreciate being cold, and my hair no longer ap-
preciates being frizzy. Give us back some sunshine, go on! I dare you!”
“I’m sick of everyt hing you do. Nothing you
and you won’t listen to wh do makes sense,
at people want. Now han
you do what makes g on a second: ‘Shouldn
YOURSELF happy an ’t
think?’ Yeah, in a high d not care what oth
school. Sorry, buddy, you’ve ers
where it’s NOT about wh gotten yourself in the positio
at YOU want. And yet you n
people want. Your decisio won’t LISTEN to what
ns don’t make sense, and you the
my criticism: I don’t care if can’t handle criticism. Here’s
you think it’s ridiculous; I don
ridiculous. The LAST thi ’t care if ANYONE thinks
ng I’m worried abou it’s
t is offending people.
”
“I hate the person you’ve become. You used to be

the person who’d sit with me in the back of the classroom and sing songs
under your breath. I don’t recognize the guy in front of me … the
one who jokes about people’s appearances and talks behind everyone’s
back. I can’t even be myself in front of you anymore because how do I
know you won’t insult me once I turn around? But
for what it’s worth, I enjoyed the friend-
ship we had. It’s just too bad you had to go and
change for the worse.”
“I cannot believe you. I cannot be-

lieve that we were so far away yet so close and
now so close but far away. Now, finally you
see what I have been putting into our relation-
ship, but you have dragged me in the dirt for too
long. We were closer than anyone. I told you
everything. We had the best times. But now
it’s all over. You have hurt me, and I’m bit-
ter. I find it hard to believe that you couldn’t and
still can’t see the damage you have done to our
relationship. I heard the names you called me
when you thought I wasn’t listening. I
guess you thought it was cool that I took your
blows without comment. Now you want things
to go back to how they were. But — I’m sorry — it
will never be the same, and you really only
have yourself to blame.”
“Why am
allowed t I not
Seriously. Ju o like sex
mean I sho
st because
I’m
?
a girl does
“I don’t want to be uld not be not
And just allowed to
known as the one who does all
because I like sex.
the dumb things and says all the sex, I’m N do like to
silly things. You care about me, OT a who have
but why is it necessary to is having fu re. All I’m
n. How do doing
have a laugh at my ex- daily life aff es what I d
ect you in a o in
ny way, sha my
pense constantly? It’s wear-
ing on my nerves, and I’d appre- form? It do pe, or
esn’t, so sto
ciate it if you could just shut up and my life p ta
about my inabilities for one day. that you kno lking about me
I appreciate your friendship, and w nothing a
bout.”
I’d never say anything to harm
you, so please, tone it down.”
“I’ve never met you in real life, and I don’t know if I’ll ever
be able to. I met you a year ago, and you don’t know how depressed you
have made me with all the problems you gave me. This summer, we started
getting closer and closer, and you admitted to me that you considered me
your best friend. I really wanna say that I like you because you
seem to feel the same. I know both of us will never admit it. I’m scared
that the time will come when we’ll both just give up, or if I tell you that I like you,
you’ll tell me that you LIKED me.”
MIDDLE & END
THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 6-15.
“There are certain people in my life that I couldn’t do without.

Sometimes I say things I don’t mean and for that I am truly sorry. I would
ging
like to think that usually you all don’t take me seriously. I have tried to cut
m n ot ju d back and become down-to-earth, but I am who I am and wonder if I will

“I’ ever change. The truth is my life would be much worse off
lly.”
you. Rea
without you.”
“If not for you, I wouldn’t be where

I am today. If not for my mistakes, I never would
have learned. I want to forget you, but I’d
be worse off without you. I wish things were
different now, but my wishes don’t change a thing.
Go away now because I don’t know what to feel.
These are the words I’ll never tell you.
Maybe it’s better that way.”
“I don’t think y
ou
how much I cared ab ever realized
out what happened
ships. Yes, I overreac to our friend-
u think it’s alright
ted to some things yo
“What makes yo use you don’t want
was too stubborn to u did, but I
let it go and just be
You weren’t the friends again.
beca
to ruin my weekend
best friends I’ve
but I miss you an ever had,
has happened ev
d I’m truly sorr
y for what el l in a cl as s; w hy didn’t you tell me
to do w
and fix it. It still hu
en though I can’
t go back
k ag o yo u ha dn ’t finished this part of
rts when I hear you a wee I
each other your ‘bffs
’ and knowing that
guys calling
po rt? N ow th is is due tomorrow, and
I used to be the re ou
hole day finishing. Y
included in that, but
I’ve moved on and e w
so have you.” ha ve to sp en d th
nd
ld m e n ot to stress over it, a
to you
“You really need to learn how to
sing the stress
treat people. You’re not making any now you’re cau ld
t rid of. I haven’t to
were trying to ge
friends. I’m pretty sure you are losing more
to
because I want him
and more respect each day. I under-
stand that you want to keep things
my boy it’s not done n
running smoothly, but the way you
supposed to have fu
have fun today. I was
out with the guys;
go about doing so is completely un-
necessary. Sometimes stress runs high, and
gi rls w hi le he w as
with the
ance from me.”
we need to have time to let loose and relax,
but you usually don’t let us. It’s time for you to
lighten up and learn how to communicate.”
you took that ch
DAYS 15+
CLOSING NOTES
“T he following are notes on project origin, rant

collection, project growth and design. Acknowl-
edgements to those involved and information on the
Words I Never Said blog and future plans are also
included.”
58
PROJECT NOTES
GROWTH AND PROCESS
“T
HE WORDS I NEVER SAID (WINS) started as an I made a Facebook group and invited all my friends, expect-
idea. I was asked to create a final, creative project for ing a small turnout for this project. I would be happy with just
a college honors seminar on confession. The project 10-20 rants, I told myself. A couple of my friends caught on
could be anything as long as it tied in course themes. and invited all their friends. The movement grew from there. I
The course delved into confessions from a psychological, didn’t end up with 20 rants. I ended up with over 65 pages of
criminal, political, and religious perspective. We had read rants. My rants weren’t just from my high school friends. They
the works of Augustine, studied Gov. Sanford’s confession, were from people all over the country and world. Rants con-
watched police interrogations, read about the Council of tinued to pour in, and during the final day of rant collection,
Trent — the list goes on. I was most taken back, however, by the Rant-A-Thon, I received over 20 pages of rants alone.
PostSecret and the videos of Sadie Benning. While the con- At this point, WINS was no longer a college project. It had
fessions posted and recorded were more individual, I found grown into something much more.
personal confessions to be the most artistic. This idea later
expanded, however, when talking to friends about my own I had a deliberate process when collecting rants. To prevent
experiences with people. Too often do manners stop me — my own bias, I did not read them when they were posted on
people, really — from saying what we want to say to others. Facebook (through message or on the group wall) or e-mail.
Too often does fear restrain us from telling those closest to I simply copied and pasted them into a Pages document.
us that we love them or hate them, miss them or can’t stand I read the rants all together and did some light editing for
them. These feelings build up and when released — maybe punctuation. I did not know the identities of the people who
through a video, a postcard or even to friends — they have wrote the rants. I wanted the words to speak for them and to
a very small chance of reaching the person they’re based be like any reader. I copied and transferred rants onto Adobe
on. I wanted to change that. The premise of WINS was to InDesign pages. The process took over 20 hours altogether.
provide a forum for people to voice what they held back. It From there, I sent out the spreads to three trusted friends to
wasn’t so much about letting the object of their rant see what edit any puncutation errors I might have missed. The last step
they said; it was the psychological idea that the words were will be sending the final PDF. I asked anyone who was inter-
public and that person could see them. Because the rants ested to provide his or her e-mail address. I will be sending
were anonymous and ambiguous, the words could this book to over 100 people, and it will also be posted for
apply to anyone. People could learn from others’ mis- my class to see.
takes. People could start to pay attention to friends
they took for granted. These rants could give people I hope to continue running WINS through the blog. Depend-
courage to act and reassurance that they were not ing on the reaction I receive, I may make additional book
the only ones who felt that way. editions for the different seasons. This project has been eye-
opening to me and because of the words I’ve read, I’ve found
the courage to be more open about my own feelings to the
people in my own life. My only hope is that it will give others
the same drive. I am grateful and thankful for everyone who
sent in rants. I hope this process has given you closure like it
has given me. Thank you and congratulations to all of you.
Together, your rants have created a 60-page book, blog,
and movement.”
-ALYSSA BAILEY
CLOSING NOTES THE WORDS I NEVER SAID. DAYS 15+
“WINS” NOW
BLOG & THANKS
“T HE WORDS I NEVER SAID blog launched
December 13. It includes all rants received af-
ter the Nov. 29 end date for the book. It can be
viewed at www.projectwordsineversaid.blogspot.
com. All rants can be e-mailed to wordsineversaid@
gmail.com.
Thank you for all your support. A special thank

you to the project editors Miliana Budimirovic, Ben
Chalfin, and Pratik Das. Your support helped spread
the word and complete this book.”

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The Words I Never Said, Volume 1

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THE

“T he Words I Never Said was launched on

dating that chick from Lo st and date me.

To the girl down the hall:

“It seems to me that everyone’s default favorite season

To Fat People: Would

te a ch e r : I d o n ’t think you knmionuwtes you

“To every single

“I stopped talking to you because you didn’t care.

e e n g i r ls: about all my doctors, how I feel about

a b o u t m yself; to care, I guess. You’re also kind of

“You took everything from me,

“Do you miss me? You slammed the car door

To all the boys

In the meantime, you have made me cynical, and I hate

To her: “I wish that you

“I think I love you; I know you scare me.

feel like I’m

“Please stop fucking slamming

“You are not lactose intolerant! You

“You seem like the perfect angel. But

I know she hurt you, and I did everything I could to help

“Everything reminds me of you. Songs

“He d o e s n ’t “You irr

you.” myou had; YOU’RE theenon’teyothuatnototiclded this?! Of course

“Could you please take control of your class? These kids

“Since when does every-

“One bench after another, a new couple on

“I confess that I like you. Not enough to make a

To the runner with the knee brace:

“I like to think I’m always improving or at least

“I hate to admit it, but I really like who I’ve be-

To my girls from TFH: You girls are my life. I know

“T hese are the rants received during the final ten

“Th But I also understand where you’re coming from, and

an time you lecture.”

“There is nothing you can do

“Stephen. Who the hell are you now?

“I’ve tried so hard to justify what

“You were an amazing friend at first,

To erhe thim : disappointment in my life. An’tdexI-

“Religion is not an excuse to

“We’ve been friends for over four years.

“Girl, I love you so much. You’re the best friend I

I may never share, but that

“Sometimes I just love so much it hurts. I will never

Some people will want to date; some will want to go steady;

What’s not OK is to try and force someone to love

Love is an individual who affects so many other people. But if

So even after a break up, a falling out between friends or a

Love is wonderful, and it sucks. And it will take forever and

After all, love is a powerful force.”

For every single time that I’ve thought I loved you,

P.S. He’s not your cat. He’s OURS.”

Some of my words of wisdom:

“It’s so obvious that you like her, LOVE her.

d st ar ed at an empt y page for a good amount

“Your boyfriend is a douchebag

“In my high school, there’s a class

Because I think way too much:

“I am so pissed right now I can hardly function.

“I see what you mean now

To tween girls everywhere:

Just be kids, OK? Be nice to each other and don’t knock