James Schumann

Private Ceremony: A Return

I chose to attend a Catholic Mass, which is far from private, but I went alone and the
experience was not intended to be a social one. I was raised Catholic, you see, and left the church
during my teen years. When I say I was Catholic I mean very much so. My sister is named Mary,
my two brothers are Mark and John. It doesnt get much more Catholic than that. I was
brought up going to Mass every Sunday, extras on important holidays like Easter and Christmas.
I was an Altar boy (for those who dont know, thats the angelic looking little boys who wear the
cassock and surplice and assist in the performance of the Mass) who had very serious thoughts of
joining the priesthood when the time came. In fact, one of my best friends and fellow Altar boys
was a guy named Bob who shared my intention to join the priesthood. Bob actually went so far
as his ordination (when they ordain you officially into the priesthood) before ultimately deciding
not to go through with it. All of this is to say: I was really into the whole religion thing.
But something changed as I got older, and while the facile response is yeah, you
discovered girls (Catholic priests are celibate) that doesnt really explain it as much as you
might think. I think I started to question the attitudes and various directives from the church in a
different light. I didnt like the fact that homosexuality was considered a great sin, when I had a
gay uncle, Glen, who was one of the coolest, kindest, caring people I knew. I think I thought
about Glen a little bit while I attended the service. He died in the AIDS epidemic of the late
eighties/early nineties. I miss him a great deal. He was my godfather (another Catholic tradition)
and always took time to really show an interest in how I was and what I was doing. I wondered
what it would be like he had lived, had been there for me in my twenties. I didnt agree with the
church on this and so many other things. Too much seemed based on exclusion and hatred for

those different. Too much seemed to deny the facts of science. Too much is asked of the believer,
that one should give everything up to God and believe that no matter what happens it is part of
his plan. Too much is asked of the believer, that you should accept whatever shitty lot in life
youre dealt because your reward is waiting in Heaven. Be a good person and wait for death
where you will be made whole, all of your suffering and pain will be worth it in the kingdom to
come.
I started to remember being at a bookstore, spending my Christmas money (yes, that is
how I spent my gift moneyI love books, so sue me) and seeing a very small book with a
wonderful painting of mountains and trees, a waterfall, and if you looked carefully: a tiny man
standing on a road in the vast landscape. The title of the book was Tao Te Ching and it was a
book of verse. I liked how it presented humanity as just a small piece of nature rather than the
central reason for existence (both in the cover art and the philosophy within). This was the
beginning of my present philosophic and spiritual journey.
As Ive grown older much of the bitterness I held against the church has softened or
simply disappeared. I started to see the church in a different light: a place of comfort and
sanctuary for many people who dont have many other options, a way of giving meaning to the
knowledge of our own mortality, a way of belonging to something bigger than oneself. The
Catholic church has been around longer than most other human institutions (around 1800 years)
and its rituals echo the glory and mystery of ancient Rome. Everything from the colorful stained
glass and the golden objects, the incense and candles, the voices raised in praise, the arched
ceilings drawing eyes and thoughts heavenward. The agony of Christ on the cross, the magical
transubstantiation of turning simple bread and wine into the body and blood of the savior. All of
these things, essentially unchanged for millennia. I dont think Ill ever properly rejoin the

church, Im too far down my own path now. But I will say this: That new Pope is an enormous
step in the right direction, he seems to have taken to heart the idea that Christians should strive to
be Christ-like rather than just worship him and use him as an excuse to be a terrible person. Yes,
the new Pope is totally dope!