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WP2 Revision Matrix

Text from my initial


WP submission:
(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea, move,
punctuation, piece of
evidence, etc.)

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I made to


what I initially wrote:
(ie, the change[s] I made
to column 1)

How this change


impacts my paper:

In analyzing the work


of two different
scholarly articles and
one magazine article
about crime, I found
that they all depicted
criminal behavior
differently in order to
cater to different
audiences.

I need more of a
specific, driving
thesis statement,
Taypres.

The authors of all three


articles criticize internal
and external factors for
their roles in criminal
activity, giving readers
the impression that
criminals are not actually
responsible for their
wrongdoings.

Changing my thesis to
something more
debatable gave my
paper a more solid
argument. I had to
change and re-write
many things, but I feel
as though my essay
turned out 100 times
better this time around.

Cases of
Indiscriminate Killing
and Society contains a
few unique rhetorical
devices.

Taypres, I'm looking


to these topic
sentences for clear
direction -- tell me,
specifically, what's
coming up.
OK, now we're
cooking! More on
this! This is the
meat'n'potatoes.

Even across different


disciplines and genres,
similarities in writing
style and structure can be
seen.

More concise topic


sentences help the
reader to understand
the direction of my
argument.

I added a few more


sentences to this
paragraph to elaborate on
this idea.

By elaborating on this
idea, I was able to
make it tie back into
my thesis.

These are the names


of the sections, sure,
but what are these
sections good for?
What value do they
have?

I added in: The headings


break up the articles into
sections, starting with an
abstract, following with
an introduction and a
procedure, and closing
with the results and
discussion. These sections
allow the reader to follow

Headings are a
common convention in
scholarly articles, and
explaining the value of
them helped me tie this
paragraph about
similarities back to my
thesis.

The obvious
difference between the
two articles is subject
matter and content. The
Linking Psychological
Traits article explains
different psychological
traits of criminals,
because the disciple of
psychology is
interested in the
mentality of a
criminal.
The information in
each is broken up by
headings such as
introduction and
methods.

the researchers process


step-by-step, giving the
reader more clarity.

Diction is still an
important part of the
piece, but the
vocabulary used is not
as formal and
academic, because the
author wants the reader
to be able to fully
understand it.

Didn't you already hit


on this?

I omitted all of the


repetitive aspects of my
essay.

I got this comment


multiple times, which
made me realize that I
was being repetitive
throughout my entire
essay. I restructured my
essay completely and
omitted a lot of things,
which made it a lot
better in general.

Crime is everywhere
in media, and portrayed
differently in every
story.

Revisit the "correct"


uses of commas -this one doesn't really
work.

Crime is everywhere in
the media and is portrayed
differently in every
story.

This change made my


essay more
grammatically correct.

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