Jocelyn Ramirez

Text from my initial

WP submission:
(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea, move,
punctuation, piece of
evidence, etc.)

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote: (ie,
the change[s] I
made to column 1)

How this change impacts

my paper:

WP#1: issues a
candidate and voter care
about. Genres are
undoubtedly
anywhere

How does sentence 2

build off of sentence
1?

issues a
candidate and voter
care about. A
presidential
candidates website
is a genre

After deleting some of the

fluff, this change connects
presidential candidates
websites to genreswhich is
my goal throughout the essay
with good flow from the
beginning of the introductory
paragraph.

WP#1: Campaign
websites to agree with
their political opinion
and gain their vote with
persuasive issues on
their website.

(1) find a way to

combine these two
sentences and (2) tell
me what specific
conventions

In similar and
varying methods
with persuasive
texts, individual
rhetoric, and
emotion on their
website.

My original thesis statement

was not very descriptive or
argumentative, but with the
some tweaks, I was able to
create a better flow for the
rest of my essay and add to
the argument I was making.

WP#1: When you first

go to a candidates
issues section, there is a
list of issues.

I'm wondering if
you're losing focus of
this paragraph a bit

Sanders effectively
persuades his
audience by using
languageour
democracy,
billionaire families,
our government.

I made some drastic changes

to this paragraph. I cut out
some fluff, focused on
persuasive textspecifically
Sanders use of text, and
connected the next paragraph
by mentioning strategies of
candidates.

WP#1: Donald Trump

has few positions stated
on his website Ben
Carson has ten issues on
his website

OK, so what does this Both of these

suggest? "So what?" candidates change
the conventions in
the genre to create
distinctions between
each other

This sentence, and the ones

that follow clear up why it is
important to note that Trump
and Carson have issues that
present themselves to be
different and it can help them
gain more votes.

WP#1: Clinton

This is an important

I agreed with it being an

The Democratic

allows voters to be
swayed by their
emotions and be much
more like to vote for
her

point and worth

elaborating on

candidates also
cater their website
to their audience
and include a more
emotional aspect to
gain voters.

important point and decided

to elaborate. I include the
emotion part of the issues
websites in my thesis to have
more opportunity to expand
the point. Instead of
including as an afterthought,
I made it the focus of two
paragraphs in arguing the
importance of emotions
gaining votes.

WP#2: moves and

jargon. The minimum
legal drinking age
using varying studies as
evidence

they seem like

unrelated thoughts
I was tripped up in
the middle

When discussing
the minimum legal
drinking age,
authors use
various studies as
evidence, different
jargon, and
moves

In my thesis, I connected
academic articles and their
disciplines and non-academic
articles to evidence, jargon,
moves when making an
argument in a much clearer
way that effectively flowed.

WP#2: factual data in

the form of tables

What kind of data?

factual data in
the form of
demographic and
quantitative
tables

It seems kind of like a small

change, but it allows the
reader to really be able to
identify the different
evidence used within the
same genre of academic
papers because of
disciplines.

WP#2: From the

public health service
discipline, Drew K.
Saylor also argues for
the need to maintain the
minimum legal drinking
age in her article

I'm not clear on that

as I'm reading...

From the public

health service
discipline, Drew K.
Saylor also uses
evidence to argue
for the need to
maintain the
minimum legal
drinking age in her
article

By just including the words,

uses evidence to, I relate
this topic sentence to the
paragraph before it about the
use of evidence. I also make
it more clear I will be
continuing to talk about
evidence for the rest of the
paragraph.

WP#2: research to
justify the argument they
make. Mike Bunn from
How to Read

concentrate on
explicitly leading
your reader through
sentence #1

Even though Miron

and Tetelbaum, the
economists, and
Saylor wrote the
same genrean

I was definitely being one of

those annoying writers we
read about that just drop
quotes out of the blue. This
time, I made sure to

academic paper
they use different
types of evidence
due to their varying
fields.
WP#2: (Did not include
a second move)

first time you brought Furthermore, Basus

up "moves"? or one
formatting move is
of them?
to compose
paragraphs that are
three to four
sentences long.

introduce my quote by
connecting it the sentence
before it, and using this
change to connect it to the
sentence after the quote.
By adding another move, I
follow more closely what the
prompt of this WP actually
asked of me. In addition to
adding this second move, I
also added it to my thesis so
readers will know I talk
about it after evidence and
jargon.