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Morgan Johnson
Dr. Izrailevsky
PHIL 1120
2 December 2015
Marriage is a very complex and interesting subject that can be looked at from many
different approaches. On one hand a married couple might consider themselves to be the best of
friends, and on the other hand marriage can be seen more as a business partnership. Today I
want to look at these totally different perspectives and examine the reasoning why some
marriages fail while others thrive. Due to the logistics of this paper and my own limited
experiences, I will mainly be focusing on monogamous, hererosexual marriage. That is not to
say that the many other categories of marriage are somehow less important. The cool thing about
marriage is that it is something that gains its value individually. Meaning, if you value marriage
as a sacred union, then that is what marriage is. On the contrary, if you see marriage as a paper
given to you by the state and nothing more, then marriage simply becomes a contractual
agreement.
Since marriage is something that gains its value individually, I think that it is important to
realize that it is completely different for each and every person. My boyfriend sees marriage as a
religious union. I see marriage as a symbol of commitment and security. While there are some
overlap areas in our separate views, we still see through different lenses. Because we place
different sentiments on marriage, it takes on very different meanings. And it doesnt stop with
just us. Every single person you ask will have a slightly contrasting view. It all depends on how
you grew up, your culture, your parents, the experiences youve had with marriage, religion,
society, friends, and so on. The word marriage can evoke feelings of content, happiness, and

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healthy relationships, but it can also bring about emotions of sadness, insecurity, and
claustrophobia. There are endless factors that go into what marriage means to you. Because of
the many discrepancies of marriage, I strongly believe that marriage should be approached with a
very individualistic moral, social, and political stance like that of Immanuel Kant. We need to
reject most external interference of an individuals choices by society, state, or any other groups
or institutions. No form of external moral standards should be used to limit an individuals
freedom to marry as they please. Now when I say this, I want to be clear that I am not including
any incetuous, pedifilious, or otherwise harmful and abusive marriages.
Now that we have that cleared up, let's move to talk about friendship and marriage. In
Western society it is very common and socially accepted for a man and his wife to say, We are
best friends. Many are completely convinced that it is a reality, and they could be right.
Thinking critically, it makes perfect sense that you would sign up to spend the rest of your life
with your best friend. But can men and women really be friends? In my research, I have found
that the answer to this pressing question is... well, complicated to say the least. In short, it
depends on your definition of friendship. Friendship is another very individualistic term that
gains and loses value depending on an individual persons views. Dictionary.com defines friends
as a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. Looking at this
definition, I would say that a couple could most definitely be friends. However, like many things
in life, it isnt that simple. Many psychologists and human behavior researchers around the
world have studied what is termed cross-sex relationships between men and women. The
reason why no one has come to a definitive answer yet is because this is a fairly new question
posed upon society. Up until the 20th century men and women lived in fairly homosocial
worlds, meaning men were friends with men and women were friends with women. After

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WWII, women started entering the workforce more and more frequently. Women started to
attend colleges and take part in what used to be fairly male driven areas of society. With men
and women intermingling more frequently in work and education, they had to figure out a way to
have a relationship that was neither sexual nor romantic.
But the question we are faced with is now, just because a relationship isnt outwardly
sexual or romantic, does that make it friendship? In one study, researchers at the University of
Wisconsin brought 88 pairs of cross-sex friends into a lab to attempt to answer this question. In
this study they found that women usually werent romantically attracted to their male friends and
saw their relationship as strictly platonic and friendly. However, the men of this study revealed
that most of them had romantic feelings towards their lady friends. Livescience.com quotes the
researchers saying, Mating strategies may influence peoples involvement in cross-sex
friendships to begin with, as well as unintentionally color peoples feelings toward members of
the opposite sex with whom their conscious intent is platonic. In short, they are saying that
while friendship can and does exist between men and women, the intentions behind the
friendship may not line up with the classical idea of friendship.
To Aristotle this was a very easy question to answer. Men and women are not and can not
be friends. Aristotle had a very greek, homo-social view towards friendship. To Aristotle, men
were friends with men. To him, a woman is either your wife or your sister. Friends are
comrades, partners, and fighters. You can be tough on your friends. It is your duty to be harsh
with them. They are by your side with the sole reason of backing you up in battle. Naturally
women are not fighters, at least in the sense of combat. Women are intellectual, intuitively
gentle creatures that dont make very good fighting partners. In Aristotles eyes, women need to
be protected and sheltered. You cannot be harsh and mean with a woman, especially not to your

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wife. And even if a woman was physically strong, it would not be right to make her fight beside
a man.
I think Aristotle may have been onto something when talking about friendship and
marriage. However, I also think that a case can be made for friendship and marriage. Marriage
and friendship are both highly individual relationships that depend almost completely on the two
people taking part in them. At the end of the day friendship and marriage are just words- but
they are both very powerful, meaningful, and emotionally loaded words. It is important to
realize that there are no set meanings for either word. Friends can mean something completely
different from person to person. Marriage can also take on many different sentiments. It is very
optimistic to say that your husband or wife is your best friend.

Works Cited
Live Science Staff. "Friends with Benefits? Study Says Attraction Between Friends More of a
Burden." LiveScience. TechMedia Network, 07 Sept. 2012. Web. 01 Dec. 2015.
McKay, Brett, and Kate McKay. "Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?"The Art of Manliness.
N.p., 20 Oct. 2015. Web. 25 Nov. 2015.

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Booth, Alan, and Elaine Hess. Cross-sex Friendship. Journal of Marriage and Family 36.1
(1974): 3847. Web. 29 Nov. 2015.
McCluskey, Colleen. An Unequal Relationship Between Equals: Thomas Aquinas on
Marriage. History of Philosophy Quarterly 24.1 (2007): 118. Web. 28 Nov. 2015.