Text from my initial

WP submission:

An Observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I made

to what I initially
wrote:

How this change

impacts my paper:

Within our
language, which
according to
Merriam Webster
dictionaries
consists of
nearly half a
million unique
words, the
possibilities are
seemingly
endless. The
palette of colors
with which we
may paint our
pictures pales in
comparison to the
combinations.

I think you might

be "over-intro'ing"
it; it's getting a bit
fluffy. You hooked
me, now give me
some context for
your paper topic
and then lay down
the thesis!

They say a
picture is worth a
thousand words, but
what if those
thousand words
could create a more
beautiful, vivid
image than the
picture itself? What
if those words could
be so powerful, they
pack more meaning
and detail within
them and paint a
picture so detailed
that even the most
gorgeous of photos
wouldnt even come
close in comparison?
Language allows you
to think outside of
the boundaries of
what your eyes can
see, opening up the
opportunity to
discover what your
mind can see. Words
can be used to form
not just powerful
stories, but also
powerful images.

Instead of writing
this paper as a
research paper
(which I realize I
initially was), I
condensed the
into to be more
specific and
upfront about
what the topic is. I
made it less fluffy
and tried to get to
the point! The
thesis is now at
the end of the first
paragraph, instead
of hidden in the
second paragraph.
I realize that my
intro was a tad on
the fluffy side, so
being more upfront about the
topic makes it
easier to transition
into laying down
context in the next
paragraph.

They alsoas
sophistication
increasedserved
as a means of
record keeping for
economic and
bureaucratic

This paper isn't a

historical research
paper on the
origins of writing.
Don't get me
wrong, this is
super interesting,

After a conversation
with her about the
types of writing she
has done throughout
her marketing career,
as well as analyzing
the kinds of writing

Instead of laying
down background
of WRITING, I laid
down the context
of what my paper
is using as
evidence: my

reasons. Spars
research also
indicates that
these early forms
of written
language trace
back to
the ancient
civilizations of
Mesopotamia
which is the
present day
Middle-Eastern

but remember
what the
assignment is
asking you to do:
gather*DATA*
(interview and
documents),
analyze it, and
then formulate an
argument about it.

found in the
marketing and
advertisement field, I
realized that not only
can words be used to
tell powerful stories,
butwhen used
preciselythey may
also be used to form
powerful images.

These days, there

are
more than 7,000
active languages
world-wide (Noack
& Gamio, 2015)
each with their
own
unique set of
words and rules to
make up the
breadth of that
particular
language. In
addition to..

Ditto, above. It's

interesting, but I
don't think it's
relevant (at all) to
this assignment.

Before embarking on
a successful 20-yearcareer in marketing
and communications
and later exploring
other interests, AnneMarie focused much
of her time and
energy on a lifelong
passion: higher
education.

Another important
aspect of
language is
figurative
languagewhich
includes the
simile,

Is this what you'll

be focusing on in
this paper? Are
they in all genres?
Some?
(And what genres
did you analyze?

Her writing skills

have allowed her to
beautifully articulate
this complex
ideology of multiple
dimensions in life

interview and
artifacts. Initially,
when I was slightly
confused about
the paper, I
analyzed artifacts
pertaining to
journalism; but, to
match my
interview, I
analyzed
marketing
artifacts. This is
reflected in my
paper.
Again, instead of
introducing
relevant
information about
writing, I
introduced AnneMaries
background in
order to give the
reader a sense of
who she is. I
realize this is
important because
the paper is about
HER writing and
conclusions Ive
gained from the
interview and
artifacts. I sadly
did not have any
of HER specific
artifacts, but I
utilized other
marketing
documents
Figurative
language is
definitely
discussed more in
depth in the
paper, but was not
introduced

metaphor,
hyperbole, and
personification, in
addition to several
other devices.
Figurative
language allows
you to describe in
a non-literal
sense; using
words to not only
tell, but also to
show.

For example,
when telling
somebody about a
warm day at the
beach, one may
simply say
the sun was
shining and the
water was cold.
But for those who
realize the true
power of words,
one may choose
something a little
more descriptive
to paint a picture,
such as: my skin

through the use of

symbolismwhich
is also heavily used
in the marketing field
to create an image
behind the words.

This is totally
hypothetical. You
need to base
everything here
on empirical data.
(What happened?)

Anne-Marie
explained she has a
beautiful sweet-grass
braid. Its beautiful
symbolism of that
when we cultivate
only one dimension
of our beingmaybe
when we only
cultivate the aspects
of the bodywe are
really only as brittle
as a [single] strand of
sweet-grass. When
we cultivate only the
aspect of the mind,

correctly in my
first draft. This is
my attempt at
introducing
figurative
language, but
further analyzing
in depth later in
the paper. I tied
together in the
paper the
relationship
between AnneMaries writing,
symbolism, and
how symbolism is
used in marketing.
Since my papers
thesis is that
words can tell
powerful stories
and also create
powerful images, I
realize its
important to
discuss how
symbolism
(figurative
language) is used
in marketing.
Instead of using a
random example
of figurative
language, I
incorporated a
quote from AnneMarie that
perfectly showed
her use of
symbolism in our
interview, and
how that quote
relates to writing,
and how
ultimately
symbolism is a
large convention

was
scorching from the
intrusive rays of
the beaming,
golden sun, but
the crisp, cerulean
ocean water
was refreshing
and cool like a tall
glass of lemonade.

Anne-Marie
Charest, an
educator, author,
writer, and allaround
knowledge-seeker,
has a
strong background
in writing,
marketing,
psychology

OK, so this should

be, like, your 2nd
paragraph... :(

Writing is like any

other skill: its the
same thing as
learning how to
ride a bike, or
learning how to
skate. At first, its
a little bit
challenging and
youre all over the

Writing *what*,
exactly? Did she
get into specifics?
Did you ask her
any follow-ups
that connected
this to actual
documents/genres
?

were as brittle as a
strand of sweet-grass.
And the same is true
if we only cultivate
the dimension of the
spirit: we become as
brittle as the strand
of sweet grass. But
when we start
weaving body, mind,
and spirit together,
then we become as
strong as a braid of
sweet grass.

in marketing. After
the quote is
introduced, I
follow it up with
an analysis about
why its relevant.

Words can be
used to form not just
powerful stories, but
also powerful
images.
Anne-Marie Charest
is an educator,
author, writer, and
all-around
knowledge-seeker.
She has a strong
background in
writing, marketing,
psychology, and
education, as well as
more abstract areas
such as spirituality,
mindfulness, and
meditation. After
For Anne-Marie,
polishing her own
writing skills made
her realize that
marketing was not
where she truly felt
the most creative, or
the most at home.
Marketing laid much
of the groundwork

Anne-Maries
introduction was
moved to the
second paragraph,
and immediately I
realize how much
more focused this
makes the paper,
and how much
easier it became
to use MY
evidence solely as
the evidence for
the papergetting
rid of the
research paper
feel my paper
initially had.

Instead of
inserting the block
quote, I introduced
the quote, then
followed it up with
analysis. I
completely see
why it was a
mistake to just lay
the quote out

map, and
you fall, and it
looks pretty
clumsy. And the
more you
practice..

in which words
can be just as
strong as images:
in the advertising
industry. She
described this
form of writing as
drier than other
forms of
writing she has
done, including
academic writing
and authoring.

OK, so this can be

the focus of your
paper, for sure --and if it is, I think
you should
articulate that in
your thesis
statement.
Remember:
(academic)
readers like to
know what's
coming up so that
they can
anticipate the
flow/structure of
the piece. Tell me
where I'm going
right from the getgo so I can have
an easier time
getting there.

for her writing ability

following her first
experience with
higher education, but
is ultimately not
where she felt the
most alive. However,
marketing definitely
served as a strong
factor in building up
her writing ability.
I realized that not
only can words be
used to tell powerful
stories, butwhen
used preciselythey
may also be used to
form powerful
images. While she
described to me her
background,
education, and
different areas of
interest, I was
amazed by the
eloquence in her
language. After our
interviewwhich
lasted for over an
hourI left her
office not only with a
better sense of who
she is and what she
went through to get
to where she
currently is, but I
also left with a clear
mental-image of her
journey: it was as if
my mind was a
projector, and her
words were the
film....

there without any

kind of
introduction or
explanation as to
how and why it
pertains to my
argument.

I decided to take
your advice and
state the thesis in
the first
paragraph, and
instead of fluffing
up the intro I
added more
context to the
paper itself, and
took out
unnecessary
information.
Again, I see why
this was a good
idea to make the
paper more
cohesive and
make more sense.

At first, it was the

drier approach
with marketing
and
communications
that was
impersonal. I feel
like the academic
writing solidified
another dimension
of that. Youre
making points;
instead of selling
points, youre
making
arguments. Where
in marketing
youre saying,
Hey, look at this
product! This is
why its so cool.
The other
dimension
would be
Youre learning to
be comfortable
just by doing
it. It all goes hand
in hand: if youre
writing and doing
a brochure, or
writing a poem, or
writing a song
theyre all facets
of expression that
emerge from
within yourself.

Id advise you to
refrain from using
free-floating
quotes (ie,
sentences that
start and end with
a quote). The
reader is probably
going to be left
wondering, Who
is saying/citing
this, and how/why
is it relevant?
Wheres it coming
from? Try to
introduce the
quote and give it
context.

In the marketing
field, powerful words
are used to create
powerful images all
in an effort to sell
products and
services. She
described this form
of writing as drier
than other forms of
writing she has done,
including academic
writing and
authoring. She
clarified that in
marketing, youre
making [selling]
points; youre saying,
Hey, look at this
product! This is why
its so cool.

I added an
introduction and
context for the
quote, and
instead of
including the
entire quoteI
summarized what
she was saying
and included the
parts of the quote
that were actually
relevant to my
argument. This
makes my papers
thesis more
evident, and
easier to
understand
through my
evidence.

This is basically a
big "data dump."
You've got to
explain to me
what I need to
take away from
this -- you've got
to analyze what's
going on here and
how/why it relates
to your thesis
statement.

Marketingas AnneMarie explainedis

an industry that
promotes products
and services by
causing the consumer
to think its necessary
to have the given
product. Specifically,
marketing is a tool
used by literally
every company to
ensure their products
and services are seen
as essential. It is
about highlighting
the great aspects and
features of products
and brands to
generate interest
through advertising.

Instead of using
that big quote
(data dump), I
added more
context for how
Anne-Maries
background in
marketing proves
my thesis. I loved
that quote so
much I guess I
tried to
incorporate it any
way that I could,
but I realize that
my paper needed
more EVIDENCE
that supports my
thesis. I explained
in depth AnneMaries
background in
marketing and

Take for example

this
headline in a
college
newspaper:
Preoccupied
drivers risk others
safety with

What's this got to

do with
AnneMarie?

Anne-Maries multidimensional career

made that a much

larger aspect of
the paper.

Since Anne-Marie
once was a Director
of Marketing for a
beverage company, I
decided to analyze
the strategies and
symbolism used in a
very popular drink:
Monster energy
drink. The slogan for
the energy drink
speaks for itself:
Unleash the beast.
What do these words
mean when looking
at them in a symbolic
context? For starters,
the word unleash
symbolizes

I will admitnow
that Ive reworked
my paper to fit
your actual
guidelinesI
realize I did
misunderstand the
actual point of the
assignment.
Unfortunately, my
artifact analysis
focused on items
relating to the
journalism
industry, so I
incorporated
analysis for an
actual marketingrelated artifact.
Monster is a very
popular and
successful
company, that I
feel is due to their
successful
advertising and
marketing.
Although it is not
specifically an
artifact of AnneMaries, she
worked in
marketing for a
beverage
company so I
thought Monster
energy drink
would be a great
example to use as
evidence.