Basic Realities of Marriage

Marriage as a Profound Human Reality

Marriage is a human secular reality but at the same time
tied with the sacred, thus, making it also a sacred reality.
Marriage is considered a human institution, at the same
time a divine institution
Marriage is ordinarily understood as a state, but this can
be better appreciated if it is also understood as an event
that continues in the life of married couple.
Marriage as a union of a man and woman can be
considered a contract and yet its meaning is enriched in
the context of a covenant
Marriage is a deeply personal affair between two persons in
love and yet it introduces the couple not only to a human
procreative community but also to a greater community
affected by their marital life.
It takes recognition and understanding of the various
human and divine facets of marriage to make this
covenant and personal affair become what it should be, the
way GOD planned:
a loving union of husband and wife, parents and
children, in community with God.

Characteristics of a Fulfilling and Lasting

Marital Relationship
Happy couples feel at home with each other from the start.
The partner feels a sweeping sense of connection, of shared
values. Sometimes their sense of fit is sexual; sometimes its
emotional; frequently both. This rapport includes a delicate
balance of friendship, which is based on sameness, and passion
which is based on difference. The tension creates and sustains a
vital marriage.
Happy couples dont hold grudge.
Couples like them have a capacity for resolution. They try to
resolve their arguments in various ways. Some set a policy of
never going to bed angry; other couples instead go to bed angry
in order to sleep it off. The important policy is that the couple
should find a way to resolve their conflict and hold no grudge
against each other.
Happy couples share routines and dreams.
Routines do not only produce happiness, but they also instill
confidence and trust in the natural and practical existence of the
marriage. From this day to day comfort, happy couples can move
to the deeper realm of shared dreams and work together for the
realization of their dreams.
Happy couples look for the best
Couples thrive when spouses focus on what is good and true in
the other. Marriage will be strong in the face of temperament if
the partner will not focus on his or her dark thoughts.
Married couples should learn to see the best, develop the best,
and expect the best in their spouses.
Happy couples learn to change
Many couples experience a great deal of change through the
course of their marriage. It may not be a good idea to go into
marriage hoping that the partner will change, but the fact is that
the people do change; for they cannot help but change.
A good marriage helps people change for the better.
Happy couples understand the importance of sex.
A good marriage rests upon friendship, respect, commitment
qualities that endure when passion wanes. Sex is not everything,

but it may be something that gives zest and vibrance to the

relationship.

Happy couples do not struggle for the upper hand.

There is an equal standing in a happy marriage. Competition is
not the name of the game but collaborative effort in order to
make the relationship work. Couples experience no power
struggle even in financial matters. Couples in marriage complete
each other rather than compete with each other.
Happy couples describe their mate as their best friend.
Happines is being married to your best friend. It means that
couple spends large amount of time together, talking, working,
and laughing. Whatever they want to do with their lives, they
want to do it together; they simply enjoy each other above all
others.

Dimensions of the Family

The Family as the Cell of the Society
The Family is the smallest unit of the society, the basic
component fundamental to the life of the society. Society has to
recognize its identity and to accept its status as a subject in its
organizational setup.
The family is the natural environment where the first seeds of
development are nurtured, where the child, like sponge, absorbs
everything necessary for its growth.
TheFamilyastheDomesticChurch
As the domestic church, otherwise known as as the church of the
home, the Christian family shares in the life and mission of the
Church. The Church becomes the evangelizing community in the
measures that it accepts and practices gospel values.
In the family, which is conscious of its mission, all the members
evangelize and are evangelized.
It is where we come to exercise the daily Christian virtues of
generous self- giving in active charity, in mutual forgiveness and
obedience, in prayer and thanksgiving.
at a time when the Philippine society is becoming more
depersonalized, the family constitutes an irreplaceable school in
developing, guarding and transmitting the social virtues and
values of respect, dialogue, generous service, justice and love

AspectsofEffectiveCommunicationAmongFamily
Members

The main factor of conjugal happiness and success is

communication. In fact through communication disagreements
are minimized, expectations are blended and common causes of
action are chosen.
Communication is not an easy process. The main reason which
often prevents people from practicing it is the lack of knowledge
of their own feelings and reactions.

Aspects of Effective Communication

1. Listening
Listening requires attentiveness
Listening requires an attitude of openness and respect
Listening requires both hearing words and sensing feelings
Listening requires a validating response, not necessarily an
answer
2. Non-Verbal Signal
An important part of the listening is to discern not only
what is expressed orally but what is shown by the eyes,
facial expression. A good listener listens not only to the
sound of spoken words but also to the sound of silence.
3. Directness
A good communicator does not resort to hazy suggestions
and innuendoes that contaminate the message, which
could prove disastrous in any form of communication.
4. Clarity
Communication should be concise and clear. Verbosity and
decorative words cause much distraction and confusion.
Dialogue Between Partners
Dialogue is a slow process

Dialogue lies in the readiness of each partner to listen fully

to each other
Dialogue between partners should be covered with the veil
of privacy
Dialogue requires time

Main Subjects for Dialogue

-Dialogue is a very rewarding process, which brings about a lot of
peace and joy especially when these topics become the main
subjects for dialogue.
Meaning of life
Mutual affection and love
Sexual achievements and failures
Spiritual experiences and experience of the Divine
Enhancing Husband-Wife Relationship (John Hiltz)
communicating non-verbally
communicating as adults
communicating as children
communicating as husband and wife
communicating emotionally
communicating spiritually
communicating mutual and diverse interest
communicating socially
communicating culturally
communicating mans /womans condition
The harmony, which the partners are able to achieve in their mutual
relationship, is the only source of happiness which they have at their
disposal. Nothing else but their deep understanding and unity can fill
with joy all the moments they spend together.
But this harmony and happiness are not the result of chance; they can
be achieved only through long efforts, supported by love and guided by
reflection and dialogue.
Strengthening Family Relationships

Learn about yourself.

Describe your feelings. I feel sad, or I feel like crying.
Say what you mean in a simple,direct way.
Describe how other peoples behavior affects you without
blaming or evaluating.
Dont avoid talking about something that is very important
to you because you are afraid of how the other person may
respond.
Be aware of your non-verbal communication.
Look at each other in the eyes during conversation.

Find time to communicate.

Effective family communication isnt easy. Learning new
communication patterns takes practice. But taking time to
communicate is even more important than practicing
techniques.

Practice good communication & negotiation skills.

There are bound to be differences of opinion. Its okay to
say what you want. Its helpful to communicate your
expectations early. Use the skills that you have learned in
your friendships or in your work life in your family life. If
you need some practice, look for a workshop or class on
communication skills.

Take a time-out.
A walk around the block, an afternoon by yourself or some
time alone reading a book or doing something you enjoy
can help you reconnect with yourself during extended
family time

Learn when to seek help.

If past conflicts or feelings from events in the past keep
cropping up, it may help to talk it over with a helping
professional. Similarly, if it doesnt feel emotional or
physically safe to be with family members, its time to get
some assistance.

In hard times and good times,family members need each other.

Communication is an essential factorin strengthening family
relationships,nurturing each persons growth and self-esteem, and
showing love and appreciation.

Finally, the family, the community of love and life cannot survive
without effective and authentic communication, the lifeblood of any
relationship

Gods Design for Marriage

Genesis Accounts of Creation:
Genesis Chapter 1: Priestly Account
Genesis Chapter 2: Yahwist Account
V.27. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God
he created him;male and female he created them.
V.28. God blessed them and said to them, Be fruitful and
increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the
fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living
creature that moves on the ground.
Genesis 1: Procreative Dimension
It reveals the PROCREATIVE dimension of marriage:
Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.
(Gen. 1: 28)
One purpose of marriage is procreation or the building of a family
This procreation is only possible between a man and woman.
male and female he created them... Gen. 1:27

Complementarity of the sexes

Genesis Chapter 2
v7. The LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground
and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man
became a living being.
v18. The LORD God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I
will make a helper suitable for him.
v21. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep;
and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and
closed up the place with flesh.
v22. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had
taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
v23. The man said,This is now bone of my bones and flesh of
my flesh;she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of
man.
v24. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and
be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

God gifted man with the gift of sexuality.

It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper
suitable for him. Gen. 2: 18
GIFT OF SEXUALITY - a response of God to mans longing to be
with another
This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh... Gen 2:23

This verse reveals to us the UNITIVE dimension of marriage.

Marriage is meant to unite the man and the woman and bind
them into one.
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be
united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Gen. 2:24

character: Exclusive and Permanent

Original Human Experiences

(Theology of the Body by Pope John Paul II)
Original Solitude
Original unity
Original nakedness
Original sin

OriginalSolitude
AlonewithGod
InthepresenceofGod
IntimacywithGod
Somethingmissing
Lonehumanbeing
OriginalUnity
Alone with another human being
Created to be relational
Capacity to give and to receive
Intersubjectivity: They were one in their thoughts.
They could participate in the freedom of the gift.
They were transparent to each other.
They were a Communion of Persons.
They did not use each other.
They simply delighted in each other.
Orinigal Nakedness
Symbolizes freedom
Openness
Intimacy
Absence of disordered passions
BeforeOriginalSin
Order and Harmony
o Man- God = intimacy and openness
o Man-woman = mutual attraction and love
o Man-rest of creation= respect and care

Original Sin
Temptation of the serpent
The desire to be like God
Disobedience
Abuse of Freedom
Pride
Arrogance
Guilt and shame
They realized they were
naked

They hid and tried to

cover their naked bodies
Nakedness symbolizes
now shame and guilt
Malice entered the scene
Mutual attraction and love
turned into domination
and lust
Original nakedness was
lost

Man felt the guilt of

disobedience
Man blamed the woman
The woman, in turn, put
the blame on the serpent
Break in the relationship
and communication
Original order and
harmony were disturbed
Original unity was lost
Pride caused man to
desire more than what he
ought to be

Led to abuse of freedom

Pride and arrogance
prevented man from
humbly admitting his
mistakes
Guilt and shame led them
to leave the garden
Mans intimacy with God,
with the woman and with
the rest of the world was
affected
Original solitude was lost

Consequences of the Fall of Man

Before

Mutual attraction and

affection

Woman
Man

Serpent

After
Domination and lust
Emergence of sexual
hierarchy
Pain in childbirth
Needs to work and to till the
soil to have something to
eat
Will crawl on his belly and
eat the dusts on the ground

Relationship between the man and the woman

Sexual hierarchy led to the domination of man over the
woman
Woman would assert her right and try to rule it over the
man
It led to the mixing and interchanging of gender roles as a
result of their confused understanding of their respective
roles
Emergence of confused sexual identity and behaviors
Continuous struggle and rivalry between the man and the
woman.

Gods original plan and design for marriage was affected

by man and womans disobedience of God.

By his refusal to acknowledge Gods plan of love , man

severed his relationship with God and thus lived his life outside
His grace .

All future generations especially in the area of marriage

and family would experience the effect of this damaged
relationship causing heartaches, sufferings, separations ,
brokenness and even death.

Growth and Maturity in Marriage

Marriage is for adults

Marriage has a great scope for the fulfillment of personal needs
and happiness. But it involves great responsibilities and duties.
Therefore it requires that those who enter it be mature enough to
take up the new task with the determination of fulfilling it
properly.

It is clear that for this purpose a mere biological and sexual

maturity is not sufficient, but more important is the maturity in
the intellectual, social, emotional and spiritual fields.
Intellectual Maturity
lies in the ability to understand persons, events, situations and
problems and the capacity to formulate ones ideas, opinions and
judgment without depending on others.
It requires that one has reached a certain level of education and
has succeeded at least at an initial stage, in giving a meaning
and a purpose to ones life.
Social Maturity
is evident when one can relate oneself to others in a selfless and
responsible way without thinking only in terms of immediate wish
fulfillment or satisfaction of personal desire.
The main signs of social maturity are respect for others, honesty,
frankness and courage, joined with the ability to provide
whatever a family needs
Spiritual Maturity
is identified as Christian when the person intending to make
decisions and take actions does so based on the perspective and
principles of Christian faith, assisted by grace. It simply means,
here is a mature person who is Christian and acting the Christian
way.
For Christians, a man and a woman in marriage are not simply
two human persons relating to and loving each other, but it is a
Christian man and a Christian woman loving each other like the
love of Christ for the Church; and loving each other as Christ
loves them.

The maturity which marriage requires is not the achievement of

one day. Therefore it is important that young people be
instructed about it at an early stage of their growth, so that they
may be able to orient themselves towards the whole process of
personality development.

 Marriage, Family, and the Society

The marriage relationship is at the very heart of the moral fiber

of any people. Our nation is being vitally affected by what its
people are doing in regard to marriage.
The moral fiber of the nation cannot rise above its attitudes and
practices in marriage. The family is the basic unit of the society.
Once it is broken our nation will suffer.
It is estimated that the average child will spend, between birth
and twenty one, ninety two thousand hours in the home; thus as
the home goes, so goes the nation
If there is righteousness within the individual there will be
happiness within the home; if there be happiness within the
home there will be harmony in the nation; if there be harmony in
the nation there will be peace in the world.
A civilization is sound as the homes that make up that civilization
are sound; and a civilization is weak when the homes that make
up that civilization are weak
The stability of our social order depends upon the basic
institution of the home, and the stability of the home depends
upon the moral and spiritual integrity of the husband and wife.
(Carl Spain)
People who marry will, in that marriage gain a little taste of
heaven or a little taste of hell. Marriage can either degrade or
elevate every person who is involved in it. t will either tend to
integrate ones personality and help him to be the kind of person
he should be, or else it will tend to disintegrate his personality.
(Thomas Warren)
The highest happiness on earth is in marriage. Every man who
is happily married is a successful man even if he has failed in
everything else. And every man whose marriage is a failure is not
a successful man even if he has succeeded in everything else.
(William Lyon Phelps)
The atmosphere (love or hate) in which children grow up will
determine their personalities. What happens in the home, good

or bad, will also vitally affect the lives of parents, friends and
other family members.
Marriage is the foundation of the family; and the family is the
basic unit of the society.
Any attack on marriage is an affront to the family; any attack on
the family is an attack to the society.

MarriageintheOldTestament
Marriage according to Gods Plan
In the book of Genesis, God revealed His purpose for establishing
marriage:
Union of Man and Woman exclusive and permanent
Procreation (building up of a family) - fruit of the union
To raise children and to establish a family who will form part of
Gods coming Kingdom

Original Plan of God Affected by Sin

Union of man and woman was broken
mutual attraction and affection led to domination and lust
emergence of sexual hierarchy
continuous rivalry and struggle to gain the upper hand
Procreation- Became the primary purpose of marriage

Marriage as Practiced in the Old Testament

Marriage and society in the OT was characterized by the
o patriarchal-genealogical emphasis
Men were considered the authority in the home and in the
society
Women were discriminated and treated as 2nd class citizens
Worth of women was measured in terms of their procreative
abilities and capacities

Functions of Marriage in the OT

Procreation became the primary function of marriage while the
covenant union between the man and woman became merely
secondary
Children were considered blessings from God
They believed that the more children you have the more you are
blessed

Barrenness and sterility of a woman were considered a curse or

punishment from God
A male child is preferred over a female child
Marriage became a means to propagate and to continue ones
family line

Marital Practices in the OT

(Patriarchal Genealogical Emphasis)
Superiority of man over woman
More emphasis on procreation than on the union
of man and woman
Because of the belief that children are blessings, it gave rise to
polygamy and concubinage
Failure of a woman to give her husband a child used as a ground
for divorce
Only the husband can initiate a divorce
Levirate marriage became a practice to continue the family line
Marriage in the OT

Marriage in the OT was a reflection of the brokenness

brought about by original sin. The order and harmony that were
present after God created the world was replaced with separation
and division, brokenness and woundedness, loneliness and
isolation, chaos and disorder.

These effects were very much evident in the area of

marriage especially that of the relationship between the husband
and the wife.
superiority of man
discrimination against women in the home and society
treatment of women as simply baby-makers
Preference to a male child over a female child at birth

The original unity between the man and woman turned into
domination and lust

How did it affect us?

Many of the practices developed and practiced in the OT

times were carried over to the next generations
Traces of these practices are still evident in our present
times and present society
The relationship between the man and woman has always
been fragile and in danger.

Things have never been the same since then

What we are experiencing now are reflections and effects
of what happened before

Contemporary Practices Opposed to Gods Plan for Marriage

C Concubinage

A Adultery

S Seduction

A Acts of lasciviousness

R Rape

A Abortion

P Polygamy/ Prostitution / Ponography