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24 hr.

Theatre
Friday, January 30, 2015

8:19 PM

The protagonist will be just this obnoxious girl who can't get any parts so she just
writes her own stuff.
ARABELLA - the "protagonist" (a term used loosely considering she's in no way
likeable)
LEOPOLD - Arabella's "boyfriend" (a term used loosely considering he's being
blackmailed to stay with her and actually loathes her guts)
MIA - the "sweet" ingenue who possesses actual talent and technically deserves the
parts that Arabella constantly claims for herself (a term used loosely considering
she's secretly a raging bitch)
HANK - Arabella's "encouraging" father (an understatement since he's actually a
cigar-smoking stage dad who takes shit way too seriously)
ARABELLA:
Little town, it's a shithole high school
Every day, like the one before
Little town, full of worthless fuckers, waking up to say
Hey whore, bonjour, hey whore, bonjour, hey whore
There goes the jocks in their letterman jackets
I swear to god that one's on roids
Every morning just the same and it's starting to get lame
Thank god one day my soul will be saved by fame
CAMERON:
Good morning, Arabella. How are you today?
ARABELLA:
Well, can't complain with a face like this, can I?
CAMERON:
I'm sure I should expect to find you at auditions at lunch hour?

ARABELLA:
Well, can't complain with a face like this, can I?
CAMERON:
I'm sure I should expect to find you at auditions at lunch hour?
ARABELLA:
Like duh. Now I'm totally not trying to sound conceited or anything, but let's face
it, your show would be motherfucking shit without me! I'm the most talented diva
in this hellhole you call a school.
ARABELLA:
(Pulls out arm) Ah, isn't this amazing? It's my souvenir Barbra Streisand arm. Sure,
she was sad I tore it off during her concert, but if I ever meet her again, I'll ask her
to sign itwhat's the haaaaarm?
MIA and LEOPOLD: Look there she goes that girl is strange but special. She
thinks she's talented but she fucking sucks. It's a pity and a sin, she's living in
delusion. Yes, she really is nut that Arabella
ARABELLA: There must be more than this song. Okay, we're done with that one.
This is a short show and we've gotta move on.
CAMERON: Okay, everyone. Auditions begin now. First up, we have Mia. Hey,
Mia, did you know if you had a baby your nickname could be Mamma Mia? (Winks
at audience)
MIA bursts into tears.
CAMERON: Oh, fuck. What's wrong?
MIA: I lost my baby.. (sobbing)
CAMERON: Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry MIA: Just kidding! Just wanted to show you I can cry on command.
CAMERON: You're so talented. Alright, get up there, hun.
MIA: I dreamed a dream in time gone byyyyyyyARABELLA: (Knocks her off stage) Bye bitch!
MIA: Good luck, Arabel-

MIA: I dreamed a dream in time gone byyyyyyyARABELLA: (Knocks her off stage) Bye bitch!
MIA: Good luck, ArabelARABELLA: Save it, fuckface. Or Gertrude. Whatever your stupid little name is.
MIA: It's Mia. Not sure how you got Gertrude. Not even fucking close.
ARABELLA: Look, cunt. We're done talking. Buh bye now.
MIA: I'm thirteen
ARABELLA: Junior cunt then? Vamoose. (Mia exits) Don't hate me 'cause you
ain't me! Alright, now for the real song. (Sings I Dreamed a Dream pop trance
disco remix, with bad slutty dance moves that turn everyone's stomachs)
CAMERON: That was disturbing(Realizes he might hurt Arabella's feelings)
ly beautiful and haunting and.NEXT!
ARABELLA: (To audience) Let's skip the part where everyone else auditions. You
saw what you needed to see. Now's the part where I go home to my loving father.
HANK: ARABELLA! Get ya fat worthless ass in here.
ARABELLA: Hi Daddykins.
HANK: Did ya get the part?
ARABELLA: You're looking at the official Sandy. I mean, it's not official yet, but
Cameron pretty much told me while I was sucking his di - er, talking to him after
class - that it's a sure thing. He posts the cast list tomorrow.
HANK: You betta get that part, kid. You remembah what I did to your mother
after she failed to achieve stardom?
ARABELLA: You told me to never talk about it.
HANK: No. I told you to never talk about it unless you're absolutely certain no
cops or NARCS are present. Now get ya beauty sleep. No daughta of mine is
gonna be ugly. (Pats her on the ass and sends her to bed)

ARABELLA: You told me to never talk about it.


HANK: No. I told you to never talk about it unless you're absolutely certain no
cops or NARCS are present. Now get ya beauty sleep. No daughta of mine is
gonna be ugly. (Pats her on the ass and sends her to bed)
LEOPOLD prances across stage, singing "THE NEXT DAY"
MIA sings a bit of I HOPE I GET IT. She arrives at the cast list which
CAMERON has just posted.
MIA: HELL YES! I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING SANDY IN THIS TOWN,
BITCHES! Oh fuck. There comes Arabella. Don't wanna be in spitting distance
when that bitch sees I got the lead. (Exits)
ARABELLA: Poor, simple Gertrude. Can't even bear to look me in the eye as I
destroy her hopes and dreams and self worth and plans for the future. (Looks at
cast list) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm
fucking..Jan? The chubby pink lady that has even fewer
lines than motherfucking Marty and Frenchie? HEADS ARE GONNA ROLL.
MIA: Look, Arabella. I know you're pissed. But remember, there are no small
parts - just small actors. I may be the leading, most important character with a
million more lines than you. I may bow at the end and get all the real thunderous,
roaring applause while you stand lonely in the shadows and hate your life. But even
still, I CANT DO IT ALONE> *Sings I CANT DO IT ALONE*
ARABELLA: I'm sooooooooooooo happy for you. Now go. You're gonna need
to hit the gym if you expect to be sewn into those tight black pants. Kiss kiss. (Mia
exits, Arabella turns to audience) SHE DIES AT DAWN. Once Cameron finds
Mia's mangled body on the side of that street where all the crack whores peddle
their wares, he'll have no choice but to cast me as the replacement! (Laughs
wickedly and exits)
LEOPOLD: (Overheard everything, but then gets distracted and looks at cast list)
Fuck yeah, I'm Danny!
CAMERON: You're literally the only male who auditioned. You're also Kenickie,
Putzo, and that guy with the scar on his face who bangs Cha Cha.
LEOPOLD: Go fuck yourself. (Both exit..in different directions, of course)
ARABELLA:
I'm through accepting limits, cause someone says they're so

Putzo, and that guy with the scar on his face who bangs Cha Cha.
LEOPOLD: Go fuck yourself. (Both exit..in different directions, of course)
ARABELLA:
I'm through accepting limits, cause someone says they're so
Some say that murder's wrong, but till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of, going to jail or being sent to the chair
But now I'm just like fuck it, I'm too over it to fucking caaaaare
I think I'll try murdering that skanky bitch Mia
I think I'm going to gouge her eyes out of her fucking skull
And I'll laugh all the way home
HANK:
Arabella, can't I make you understand? This work would be better done by a
hitman.
ARABELLA:
I'm through with this song. Fuck off Dad. We both know I'm gonna do what I
want anyway. You wouldn't want the cops to get an anonymous call regarding
mother's disappearance all those years ago, now would you?
HANK:
(Accepting her power over him) Well, don't be out late then, sweet cheeks.
ARABELLA:
That's what I thought. Dawn is drawing near. (Cackles evilly, then exits)
HANK:
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I raised her to be a hot sexy whore, not a full blown psychopathic murder-roaaaar
Slipping through my fingers all the time (Exits)
ARABELLA:
(Pops back in for PC recovery) It's amazing I turned out to be such a doll
considering my father is a misogynistic asshole who hates women.
HANK:
That ain't fair. I love wimmen! Long as they naked. (exits)
Enter LEOPOLD and MIA
MIA:

That ain't fair. I love wimmen! Long as they naked. (exits)


Enter LEOPOLD and MIA
MIA:
Look Leopold, I know Arabella can be a tiny bit bat shit fucking crazy, but you
must have misheard her. There's no way she'd try and kill me.
LEOPOLD:
Well, I can't take that chance, Mia. I'm going to protect you. No matter what.
MIA:
Why do you care so much?
LEOPOLD:
Because.the truth is I've always loved you!
MIA:
(Gasps) Is this Danny talking to Sandy Or Leopold talking to Mia? How can I
be sure?
LEOPOLD:
The truth is...you're the one that I want.
LEOPOLD and MIA sing romantic, slow-tempo rendition of YOU'RE THE
ONE THAT I WANT
ARABELLA whacks LEOPOLD on the back of head with VASE
ARABELLA:
Anybody care what I want? (To Mia) What I want is to see the light leave your
eyes! (Cackles wickedly)
MIA:
Wow, so this is actually going down right now. You're gonna try and kill me. With
a vase?
ARABELLA:
Vase. My dad locked the knife cupboard this morning, this was the best I could do.
Any last words?
MIA:
I'm gonna go with, "FUCK YOU, CUNT. Sorry that you're a talentless cow with
no chance in hell of ever becoming a star. I'm talented, I'm pretty as fuck, and I am

Vase. My dad locked the knife cupboard this morning, this was the best I could do.
Any last words?
MIA:
I'm gonna go with, "FUCK YOU, CUNT. Sorry that you're a talentless cow with
no chance in hell of ever becoming a star. I'm talented, I'm pretty as fuck, and I am
going to star in musical after musical until the day I die, bitch."
ARABELLA:
Yeah. Aka now. (Gags her with the Barbra Streisand arm, Mia falls to floor, slain)
LEOPOLD wakes up
LEOPOLD:
You killed her...
ARABELLA:
(Quoting Rachel's one-act character) I never did such a thing in all my life! The
very idea
LEOPOLD:
I'm just gonna go.
ARABELLA:
K, bye.
CAMERON:
Is Mia dead? Fuck, this is so sad she was the perfect Sandy.
ARABELLA:
I know. Totes tragic. Any replacements in mind?
CAMERON:
I guess we could do another round of auditions or
ARABELLA:
(Holds the Barbra Streisand arm up threateningly)
CAMERON:
Or you know what? Why don't you just take the part? You were born to be a star?
ARABELLA:
You're damn straight.

CAMERON:
Or you know what? Why don't you just take the part? You were born to be a star?
ARABELLA:
You're damn straight.
HANK enters. ARABELLA, HANK, and CAMERON sing final number:
One song more
One more song to end this play we wrote
We're too tired to come up with rhymes, so goat
The play is over now, it's really, really over now
Yes it is
I can't express more clearly that the show is over now
So thank you for coming
Now please fuck oooooooooooff
MIA: (Sits up, back from dead):
I'll never forgive that fuckin' cuuuuuuuuuunt (dies again)
(END)

"I go from having a big nose to no nose." - Katie Rochford on her character's
transformation from Arabella to Voldemort

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