Text from my

initial WP
submission:
(a phrase,
sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move,
punctuation,
piece of evidence,
etc.)

An observation or
question I
received from De
Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote:
(ie, the change[s]
I made to column
1)

How this
change
impacts my
paper:

1.Anysubjectcanbe
studiedfrommultiple
disciplines.

1.Yawwwwwn...

1.Molly,orMDMA,
hasbecomeapopular
drugintodaysrave
culture.Whileitwas
onceanunderground
phenomenon,thedrug
hasbecomemore
prominentintodays
cultureandbecauseof
itsprominence,ithas
beenstudiedfrom
manydisciplines.

1. I tried to
tie in the
topic of the
paper in a
more
interesting,
inviting way.

2.When you look

through one lens,
one can find one set
of information, and
when looking
through another, one
can find something
entirely different.
3.While the articles
on MDMA are
similar to one
another, one can
observe that the
intended purpose of
the article influences
the writers moves
based on the
inclusion of
background
information and
jargon within the
articles.
As for the
sociocultural
discipline, there
were no headings
included and rather
there was no
defined organization
for the article.
4.

J-Smith, this is a major

"snoozer" of an opening.
C'mon, sister -- get me
revved up about reading
this. What stood out to you
as super-interesting while
you researched this topic?
How could you make
someone stop what they
were doing and take time to
read this?
2. The 4 "one's" (2 of which
are referring to people) are
kinda weird to me. Any
chance you can play around
with some other, more
natural-sounding
possibilities?
I see that you're using "I"
later on (which is totally
fine), so you might as well
feel comfortable enough to
use "you."

2.Whenyoulook
throughonelens,you
canfindonesetof
information,andwhen
lookingthrough
another,something
entirelydifferentcan
appear.

3.Concerningthese
threearticles,the
authorsmeasurethe
possiblepositiveor
I need you to raise the
negativeeffectsof
stakes a bit here and also
MDMAonthehuman
get a lot more specific. What
specific points are you going bodyusingmoves
includinggenre
to use to make that case?
What about the conventions specificjargonand
within this genre will you be
researchmethodsused
emphasizing? And what
toadministertests.
about moves?
3. Their purpose influences
their moves... OK, and? So
what?

The introductory paragraph

4.Asforthe

2. I thought
that this
made the
flow better
and less
awkward.
3. I believe
that this
thesis is
more specific
and can help
give more
information
about the
articles
which was
another
comment on
the original
paper.
4.I agreed
with Zacks
comment
that this
should

5. These disciplines
include biological,
physical and
sociocultural.
6. Each writing
discipline targets
a different intent
of purpose. For
the articles being
examined, the
purpose differs on
the subject areas
related to the
study of MDMA.
Each author
studies MDMA
differently, and
all [their] writing
consists of a
series of choices,
which are based
on the genre of
that writing (Bunn
81).
7. An author
carefully chooses
which information
to include in his
or her writing in
order to best put
across the point
that he or she is
trying to make.
8. When a reader
examines an
article, he or she
can usually tell
from the
language, what
the purpose of
the article will be.
***I changed the
entire rest of the

is so crucial for
readers because it provides
them with the expectations
for your whole piece. The
more direction you give me,
the more focused m
4. Alright, good eyes here,
but.. so what? Why is this
important?
5. These are three

adjectives here (you're

missing something after
them).
6. What's up with the noindentations here?
Remember, that
*convention* of papers
serves a purpose -readers' eye literally *see*
the breaks in your paper,
and with each one, a new
main idea unfolds.
7. When I see thiseven
before I start readingI
think, Ahhhhhhh! Attack
of the page-long
paragraph!

Cut right to it, JSmith. I feel like I'm

reading a lot of fluff.
We don't want any
fluff -- use each
word, phrase, and
sentence
judiciously.
8.

sociocultural
discipline,therewere
noheadingsincluded
andrathertherewasno
definedorganization
forthearticle.This
structuredifferedfrom
theothersbecausethis
wasamorecasual
opinionpiece,and
insteadofbeingstrictly
formattedand
regimented,theauthor
usespersonalityanda
casualtonetoinform
readers.
5.Thesedisciplines
includebiological
research,psychological
research,and
socioculturalresearch.
6.
Each writing
discipline targets
a different intent
of purpose. For
the articles being
examined, the
purpose differs on
the subject areas
related to the
study of MDMA.
Each author
studies MDMA
differently, and
all [their] writing
consists of a
series of choices,
which are based
on the genre of
that writing (Bunn
81).

include more
information
and help give
more
analysis as to
why this
occurred. I
think the
added
sentence
helps clarify
my thoughts.
5. I did not
realize that
was
grammaticall
y incorrect.
6. The
formatting
was incorrect
when it was
uploaded to
the google
docs but was
formatted
correctly the
second time
around.
7. I agreed
that this was
a good topic
switch to be
able to
spread out
the ideas
more.
8.This
sentence was
fluff and did
not serve any
purpose so I
removed it.

paper to include
many different
elements and I
cannot specify the
rest of the
changes because
there is nothing to
compare to an
original. Please
see details in the
reverse outlines
and the
paragraphs
attached so see
details.

7. I created a new
break in the paper
for this part.
8. Deleted this
sentence.