27/07/356 B.C.

TRAITOR
HANGED ON
GALLOWS
The ex-prime minister, Homon, was yesterday
hanged on a 50-cubit gallows in his back garden
intended for his arch-enemy, Mordechai the
Jew.
Homon was found guilty of high treason and
attempted murder before the Royal Court of
Justice after plotting to kill our new queen, the
lovely Esther, and her people, the Jews. Going
with the advice of Charvonah, one of the king's
servants, he was hanged on the gallows in his
back garden. Homon had previously convinced
the king to issue a decree ordering all citizens to
kill all Hebrews on the 13th of Adar after
drawing lots to determine this day. Luckily,
Esther foiled his plans. After being informed by
Mordechai of the decree, Esther . . .
More on Page 2 . .

X THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW

ABOUT MORDECHAI
I. He is a Jew.
II. He once saved the king's life.
III. He is a member of the Jewish Court,
the Sanhedrin.
IV. He is fluent in all seventy languages.
V. He was exiled from Israel with King
Yechonyo of Yehuda, and with the
other Elders of Judea.
VI. The previous prime minister, Homon,
was his enemy.
VII.
He is the cousin of Queen
Esther.
VIII.
He was honoured greatly by the
king a few nights ago
IX. He believes in only one G-d, Hashem.
X. He tried to persuade the Jews not to go
to the king's feast.

Issue 357

NEW PRIME
MINISTER
After the arrest by police of Homon, the king
personally appointed Mordechai, the cousin of
Queen Esther, to be his right-hand man.
Mordechai had been previously appointed to sit
at the king's gate and judge the people. He also
once saved the king's life by foiling a plot to
assasinate him by Bigson and Seresh, for which
he was honoured greatly for a few nights ago.
When leaving from the king's Inner Chamber,
Mordechai was wearing royal clothing and a
golden crown studded with jewels. The kings
signet ring was also on his finger. Our reporter,
Mr. I. Talkalot, was there to interview him.
(See Page 3).
I am greatly honoured that you feel me fit to be
prime minister and I promise to serve you
faithfully and as best as I can. Mordechai said
to the crowds of reporters around the palace.
However, it is in the hands of my G-d,
Hashem, who with his kindness made me
triumphant over my enemies and made me
prime minister in the first place.
We hope to see Mordechai doing great things for
our magnificent and powerful Empire while he
is in the role of Prime Minister and may he be
better than the last one!

Mordechai after leaving the Inner Chamber.

1

(Continued from page 1)

Letters to the Editor

went before the king and invited him and

Homon to a private feast. At it, she invited them
to a second feast. The next day, Esther accused
Homon before the king of trying to kill her and
her people. After returning from taking a breath
of fresh air from outside to recover from the
shock, Achushverosh found Homon trying to
assasinate Esther while he was still in the
palace! He was taken into custody immediately
and hanged the following day.

Dear Sir,
As wife of the prime minister, and I hope I am
saying this on behalf of other women in the
country, I wish to complain about the new law
ordering all women to honour their husbands. I
do not wish to abide by this ridiculous law as my
husband is really lazy - he doesn't even take the
rubbish out. It's usually my daughter who has to
do it. As she is inexperienced, she usually just
throws it out her bedroom window despite me
always telling her not to. She might hit someone
one day . . .
Thanking you for an always helpful and useful
newspaper.
Yours sincerely,

GENUINE PERSIAN RUGS

Zeresh.
Wife of prime minister.

As first seen at Achushverosh's Grand

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Dear Sir,
We are sure your readers would like to join us in
congratulating His Honour Sir Mordechai on his
recent promotion to the position of Prime
Minister and we are surely glad to see the back
of that awful Homon!
Signed,
Charvonah, Bizzetha, Mehuman, Bigtha,
Abagtha, Zethar, Karkas, Karshena, Hasoch,
Shashgaz, Shethar, Admatha, Tarshish, Meress,
Marsena, Hagai.
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The citizens of the Persian Empire were

yesterday delighted by the news of Mordechai
the Jew's appointment to the position of Prime
Minister. Our reporter went to the palace to
interview him and to hear his plans for the
future . . . .
Good morning, Mordechai. Can you tell us a
bit about your backround?
Good morning. I was born in Israel to Yair from
the Tribe of Binyomin. I was placed on the
Sanhedrin the Jewish Court. I personally
remember the Holy Temple (Beis Hamikdash).
Later, I was exiled with King Yechonyo and the
other Jewish Sages here. (I believe that as I was
exiled and had many troubles, I will be able to
understand and empathise with the citizens who
have been through such unfortunate tragedies.) I
raised my orphaned cousin Hadassa (now
Queen Esther) from childhood. I managed to
save the king's life from the plots of Bigson and
Seresh.
What do you think will make you a good
Prime Minister?
I believe that as I have lived in a foreign land
for many years, I will know the feelings of the
foreigners among the Empire. Furthermore, as I
am a Torah scholar I believe it has given me lots
of wisdom and knowledge.
Have you any plans for the welfare of the
people?
Certainly. I will remove the evil-intentioned
rules made by my predecessor. I will also
distribute money to poorer citizens of the
Empire. Also I plan to invest money for the
rebuilding of the Holy Temple (Beis
Hamiikdosh). As Prime Minister, I will ensure
that no more decrees will be made like the one
against the Jews that Homon made. I will also
make a National Purim Day to commemorate
the downfall of that wicked man!
Thank you, Mordechai, for your time and
may you merit many long years in the
position of Prime Minister!

SHUSHAN CITY

MODAI UNITED

Despite the loss of their star player, Bigson,

Shushan City once again displayed brilliant
sportsmanship ansd skill at their Sunday night
game against Modai United. After only five
minutes, their striker Charvonah scored a
brilliant topright corner goal. Despite Modai's
goalkeeper's breath-taking dive to try and reach
it, the ball passed inches from his hands and into
the net, to the cheers of Shushan fans. Spurred
on with renewed energy, Modai United managed
to even up the score by an amazing header by
Shashgaz, a defender, just before half time. After
it, the game continued, with both teams showing
great skilmanship. Sixty seconds before the end
of the game, the Shushan City goalkeeper booted
the ball down to the end of the pich, where it
was neatly tapped in by Hasoch. The game
ended with two goals to Shushan City and one to
Modai United. This puts Shushan United in the
semi-finals for the Empire Cup.

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