Author of Draft: Trung Tran [Subtract 276 from word count of this document]

Reviewer: Michael Brockman

**Review Based Upon Draft Downloaded @ 2:23pm, March 23rd, 2016**
This document is a peer review of author Trung Trans review document of the
video game Football Manager 2016.
1. After reading this document, how would you describe the current
rhetorical situation of the topic addressed? How does the document make
it clear, in the document itself, what exigency inspired the writing of the
document? How does it establish a motive that shows why the audience
isnt already convinced or aware of its argument? If any of these elements
are lacking or weak, how would you suggest that the author improves
them?
The current rhetorical situationexigency revolving around this situation was the
release of the videogame Football Manager 2016. Although not explicitly stated
in the document (which should be fixed), I assume that the exigency that
inspired author Tran to write about the game would be his purchasing and
experiencing the game, wanting to share his experience and opinions with
fellow gamers and soccer fanatics. Based on the introductory paragraph, it
appears that Tran is motivated to explain why and how, although somewhat
similar, the 2016 version of the game is better and different in comparison to
older versions of the same game. Trung links readers to a negative review of
the game, and implies that many people believe that there is no point in
buying the new game since it is so similar to previous versions. Clearly, Trung is
motivated to disprove this notion by writing this review of the new 2016 game
version.
2. How does this document engage with the chosen audience? How does it
appeal to their wants and needs? In your best analysis, does it speak to
their knowledge base, or does it explain things they already know (or not
explain something enough)? Again, if there are elements of the audience
analysis that could be improved, explain how you would do that.
The document engages with the chosen audience by using somewhat advanced
soccer terms/references (I would assume, b/c I dont follow soccer and they
seem a bit advanced) to gain their interest. Because of this level of
technicality, Trung appeals to the audiences extensive soccer knowledge base,

and describes the game assuming that the reader is quite familiar with the
rules of soccer and previous versions of the game. The audience members want
to know why and if buying the new game is necessary, so by describing the
game and using stats regarding the game, Trung is able to appeal to these
desires, and ultimately satisfy the reader.
3. Whats the purpose of this document, and how is it made clear? What
choices does the author make (including design, rhetorical appeals,
evidence, and anything else you notice) to achieve this purpose? Most
importantly, do you think this document would be successful in achieving
its purpose? Why or why not?
The purpose of this document was to (1) inform readers of the changes made to
Football Manager for the 2016 edition and (2) persuade readers to purchase the
game by writing a positive review of the game. This purpose is made clear in
the opening paragraph when Trung states that negative reviews of the game are
wrong, and that FM16 is much more than that. Because of the information
delivered throughout the document, I feel that Trung was successful in
achieving his purpose. However, in order to confirm this, I would recommend
that Trung add a conclusion paragraph to the end of the document to
summarize his arguments and main points, and to drive his purpose home once
again.
It is obvious that Tran did his research and is very familiar with the game and
how it is played. This adds to his appeal to Ethos, since Tran is experienced and
credible with respect to playing this game. Throughout, Tran incorporates
various statistics about the game, which helps with his appeals to logos. Pathos
was not appealed to, mostly because emotional appeals wouldnt really fit well
with the authoritative, witty persona and casual tone utilized in the document.
No thought/effort was put into the design of the document. Images/
screenshots of gameplay should be incorporated into the document to be used
as evidence by the reader. Also, what type of publication is this document
being published in? Depending on its destination, the page format should be
adjusted to reflect the proper formatting for the publication medium (i.e.
adjust the margins, font, colors/borders, etc.).
4. Is the essay well organized? Does each paragraph discuss one topic,
introduced by a topic sentence? Is there a clear paragraph structure, and
transitions between the paragraphs? How would you recommend outlining
this essay?

In my opinion, yes, this essay is well organized. The intro paragraph discusses
the current skepticism (rhetorical situation) surrounding the game and gives a
somewhat detailed overview (appropriate level of description though) of the
game for those newbies who are less familiar with the game. Following these
two introductory paragraphs, the next three sections review and explain the
three different gameplay modes that are included in the game: Career Mode,
Draft Mode, and Create-A-Club Mode. The organization up to this point was
relatively strong; however, there is no concluding paragraph. I would highly
recommend a conclusion paragraph to summarize the three modes of gameplay
and give the reader one final reason (or more!) why they should ultimately
purchase the 2016 Football Manager game.
Within the three middle sections, the paragraphs did not really have any
transitions to connect between them. I would recommend adding these into
each paragraph to improve the flow of the essay and to prevent the reader
from getting lost. I like the way the content itself is organized though, so the
only issue in terms of organization is the lack of transitions.
In terms of paragraphs, Im not sure if bullet points for the pros and cons
sections are appropriateI would check with Prof. Enos to confirm that this
type of structures is okay. I believe that the essay would flow better if the
pros and cons sections under each gameplay mode were turned into
paragraphs (with transitions!), but ultimately that decision is up to you and
Prof. Enos.
5. How is the writing style of the document? Is the voice confident and clear?
How would you describe the persona of this document (which may evolve
throughout the course of the document)? Are there specific moments where
the persona shifts randomly? Finally, are there any grammatical issues the
author needs to be aware of?
I really like the writing style and persona of this document. When author Tran
announced his topic in class, I questioned how this topic could be made
interesting, but the writing style and terminology that Tran used throughout
the document succeeded in making the review engaging.
Tran utilized a casual tone, while creating an authoritative yet slightly
humorous persona, incorporating witty terms and commentary, in order to keep
the audience engaged and keep them on his side. While discussing the various
aspects and specifications of the game, Tran used a confident, clear voice to

deliver the information to the reader. The persona and tone were consistent
throughout, and there were no moments where the persona shifted randomly.
Throughout the document, there are a few instances where some words missing
from sentences. A suggestion to improve this issue would be to either (1) read
the document aloud to recognize these errors, or (2) ask a peer or friend to
read the document and recognize the errors. A run of spelling/grammar check
may help as well, but I think that reading the whole essay aloud would result in
the recognition of most, if not all, missing words and minor grammatical errors.

Peer Review for Trung Tran

Yi Yang
3/24/2016

After reading this document, how would you describe the current rhetorical
situation of the topic addressed? How does the document make it clear, in the document
itself, what exigency inspired the writing of the document? How does it establish a motive
that shows why the audience isnt already convinced or aware of its argument? If any of
these elements are lacking or weak, how would you suggest that the author improves them?
After reading the Game review written by Trung Tran, I would describe the rhetorical
situation around this topic as the release of the newest edition of Football Manager 2016, and the
discussion between gamers and football fans. The exigency of this review could come from the
experience of the author who actually played this newly released game. Under the big discussion
that is going on among the gamers, the author wants to provide valuable information and
suggestions to those who are interested in the new game but have not decided to make a
purchase. Although there are some game-reviewers that do not suggest the players to buy this
new game, Trung has provided a lot of information and comparison of the new version and the
former. By proving his claims, he successfully informed the new game to the players, also
convinced the audience that the newest edition has been improved, and it is better then the
former version.

How does this document engage with the chosen audience? How does it appeal to
their wants and needs? In your best analysis, does it speak to their knowledge base, or does
it explain things they already know (or not explain something enough)? Again, if there are
elements of the audience analysis that could be improved, explain how you would do that.
By starting the essay with a rhetorical question, the audience who interested in football
and games would be behooved to continue reading the rest of the review. The author wrote the
essay from a view of the game player, he linked himself to the intended audience, and
successfully analyzed the game from angle of the gamers' wants and needs. Trung used some
terms that might not be familiar to some readers, and the comparison between the new edition
and the former would require the readers to have some knowledge or experiences in playing the
games and the soccer system. But I don't think this would be a problem since the intended
readers are the gamers and soccer fans, and the use of terms give the essay a professional tone
that is beneficial in convincing the readers.

Whats the purpose of this document, and how is it made clear? What choices
does the author make (including design, rhetorical appeals, evidence, and anything else you
notice) to achieve this purpose? Most importantly, do you think this document would be
successful in achieving its purpose? Why or why not?
The purpose of the document is to provide a full analysis of the newly released game
Football Manager 2016 from the angle of an enthusiastic gamer who plays just like every other
player but pays more attention to detail. Another objective was to state reasons as to how
perfected the new version is compared to its predecessor. Like some of my favorite game reviews
that I had read online before, this one by Trung divides the analysis in different sections, with
smaller titles and exclusive content in each section which breaks down the game into smaller
portions which makes the information seem reachable and convincing even though some readers
may not be familiar with some key terms or references to similar games in the past which is
included in the document.

Is the essay well organized? Does each paragraph discuss one topic, introduced by a topic
sentence? Is there a clear paragraph structure, and transitions between the paragraphs?
How would you recommend outlining this essay?
The essay is organized and information within it is easy to locate. The essay was arranged in an
open form, with each sub-title, illustrated by the different modes of the game, the author gives
appropriate lengths of information for readers within each section. The Pros and Cons division is
tremendously helpful as well because they show that the review is, to a great extent, unbiased
even though the tone and passion within the wording may come across to some as striking and
inclined towards the game.

How is the writing style of the document? Is the voice confident and clear?
How would you describe the persona of this document (which may evolve throughout the
course of the document)? Are there specific moments where the persona shifts randomly?
Finally, are there any grammatical issues the author needs to be aware of?
The writing style can almost be seen as that of an army drill sergeant giving speeches to
his privates. In such a information delivery process, the confidence often helps promote sales and
reach to end results as effectively as the validity and persuasiveness of the information contain,
because readers have a reason to stay engaged. The humor and organization which keeps the
paragraphs brief and to the point also prevents the overload of information within individual
paragraphs. The persona is well established and the author does a great job keeping it consistent
throughout the article.