Rapunthel

A tale by Abby Rowland

Okay, before this gets started, some backstory is necessary.

My mom was a weird lady. Before I was born, there were only two things in the world that she
loved and yearned for. The first was a child. The second, practically equal with her desire for a kid, was
this green-leafed vegetable that her neighbor grew. She probably could have just jumped the fence and
swiped some real fast, if it wasnt for the fact that this particular neighbor was grouchy as hell. But she
yearned for it with all her heart and finally the desire began to kill her. She was pregnant by this point, but
even the thought of a child did not ease her aching heart. She wailed deep into the night, eliciting calls of
complaint from the neighbors and even a visitor who came to make sure no one was getting murdered
inside the house.
This was not the most pleasant experience for my dad. When the wailing first started and mom
was babbling on about this vegetable she wanted, dad decided she was just PMSing. But, of course, his
theory was quickly dispelled since she was indeed pregnant. So then the natural thing to blame her erratic
behavior on was hormones. But as the wailing grew louder and longer, he had to admit to himself that
even hormones didnt cause this. She really did want that damn vegetable, and she was going to waste
away if she didnt get it. So he decided to brave the fence.
It seems that everyone failed to mention to my extremely intelligent parental unit that they could
have probably picked up the same thing at the local supermarket for $4.99.
Anyway, he jumped the fence and stole the vegetable and my mom made a salad out of it because
she didnt even have the decency to use it for something that actually tastes good like, I dont know, a
pasta dish or something. At this point, my dad thought he had done his job. No more wailing. Maybe a
full nights sleep. But it wasnt good enough. The screaming began again later that night and my dad was
forced to jump the fence again.
It was a stupid idea.
This time, he got caught. The crazy neighbor came out of her house with a pitchfork (yes, a
pitchfork, you can buy them at the hardware store) and was blabbering incoherently. She had gray frizzy
hair and was missing her two front teeth (they truly were all she wanted for Christmas). My dad waited
there, frozen, until she could form words.
HOW DARE YOU? she shrieked. I PLANTED THOSE MYSHELF! I AM A WITCH! I
SWHEAR I WILL MURDER YOU IN YOUR THEEP!
My dad probably wouldnt have admitted it, but he was scared out of his damn mind.
The womans eyes grew bigger and she was shaking like a Chihuahua on steroids. YOU CAN
TAKE THE VEGETABLE, BUT YOU MUST GIVE ME YOUR FIRSHT BORN CHILD. DO YOU
UNDERHTAND?
It takes all of the power in my soul not to bang my head against the table at this part of the story,
excuse me.
Yes, anything, my dad pleaded. You can have our child. Just let me take this plant back to my
wife.
Deal, the woman giggled.
Why, father, why? The woman was crazy. She couldnt have done a thing to you. You just had to
run. She was, like, ninety. She could not have caught you, even with her pitchfork. Or, if you really, really

had to say that to keep yourself from peeing your pants, you could have at least not followed through with
it. What was she gonna do? Call the police and say, Hi, yes, my neighbor wont give me their kid. Could
you arrest them, please? Is it because you believed she was a witch? If so, why? Theres no such thing,
oh wise father of mine.
And yes, the crazy lady told me that she wasnt my real mom, despite what the stories say. She
had to, since I had already figured it out. Shes way, way too old to have birthed me.
Okay, well, thats enough backstory. We can start now. And please dont judge me by my
description. Im only crazy on the outside, I promise.
******
Rapunthel! the old lady shouted from the ground. Let down your hair!
Up in her tower, Rapunzel spun around, scurried over to the window, and gathered her disgusting
locks into her arms. She let them spill over the side of her enclosure all the way to the woman waiting at
the bottom.
The lady wrinkled her nose. Rapunthel, how long hath it been thince you bathed?
Rapunzel made a weird sound in the back of her throat. Yesterday, I thought.
Definitely not, the woman held her breath to keep from gagging. Becauth you thmell like
death.
It took the woman longer to get to the top, since it is quite hard to climb and hold your breath at
the same time. She did make it, though, and once both feet were safely inside the tower, she brushed
herself off.
Rapunzel stayed by the window. She was still shaking, but that wasnt new. She was always
shaking.
The woman reached in her cloak and pulled out an apple. Quickly, before Rapunzel could pounce,
she threw it to the other side of the room. Without a moment of lag time, the girl bared her teeth and
sprung on the fruit, shoving the whole thing in her mouth and chewing ravenously until it was completely
gone. Then she licked her lips and stood up again.
Living in a tower by yourself for eighteen years will do that to a person.
Okay, I mutht go. I will thee you tomorrow, Rapunthel. Remember, no eating the flowerths, the
lady said, waving tentatively, and then she was climbing Rapunzels hair back to the bottom. Usually, like
right then, she got out of there as quickly as she could.
Rapunzel, of course, stayed behind, and sat in a ball on the floor, staring wide-eyed at the flowers,
and trying not to eat them.

Then, one day, the kings son (aka the prince) was riding by the tower. Hed ridden really far from
the castle because he and his dad had gotten in a fight over the slang the prince was allowed to use in the
house. The king had insisted that thats dope, would not be tolerated. The prince thought otherwise and,
naturally, he felt that he would solve his problem by giving his dad the silent treatment and riding his
entitled ass away on a horse.
As he was passing the tower, he heard a beautiful song. Well, he thought he did. It was not
actually beautiful. It was a rhyme that Rapunzel had made up in one of the many hours shed been in that
room all by herself and it went something like this:

I am really pretty
This is pretty shitty
I live inside a tower
And I really need a shower
I want a pet turtle
And I will name it Murtle
Murtle the turtle
Murtle the turtle
But the prince was tone deaf, so he was given a little slack for that.
He watched the old lady call down for Rapunzels ratty hair and climb up into the tower.
Immediately, he knew he had to find out the source of that song. So when the woman left, the prince
called down for Rapunzels hair and climbed to the top.
Ugh, he exclaimed, stumbling back from the girl who was foaming at the mouth. What are
you?
Rapunzel blinked rapidly at him and didnt answer his question. Instead she asked, Are you a
boy?
Yeah, the prince responded. Do you live up here?
Rapunzel was still stuck on the fact that there was a boy in her tower. She wished she could stop
foaming at the mouth. She knew it must be at least a little unflattering. She nodded.
Do you like it?... It seems sort of...lonely.
This struck a nerve. Did you not hear my rhyme, genius? I am living in hell.
Sorry, that was a stupid question.
Rapunzel growled. It sure was.
But there was something about her, I guess, because the Prince instantly fell in love. Although, it
could be argued that he fell in lust. Because no one falls in love that fast, and testosterone at age eighteen
is a powerful thing. Besides, underneath the smelly, disgusting hair and the yellow teeth, there probably
was a decent looking girl.
Rapunzel fell for the prince, as well. He was handsome-ish, and Rapunzel had never seen another
teenage boy, so she didnt have any subconscious standards to compare him to.
They stared at each other for a moment, her, shaking, him, blinking uncomfortably, and then she
said: Okay, you better go. Come get me tomorrow and Ill leave with you.
This made the prince very excited. He would get her to cut her hair, take a bath, put on some real
clothes and then maybe she would be his first girlfriend. (Princes dont get out much).
He climbed back down her hair and left on his horse. The next day, he returned.
Rapunzel, let down your hair, he cried, trying to contain himself.
The tangles came rolling down and he climbed up, but when he got there, it was not Rapunzel
who greeted him. It was the old lady with her pitchfork. Rapunzels hair was tied to the hook of the
window.
Hello, printh, the woman cackled. I have cut Rapunthels hair and banithed her to Walmart. No
one goeth to Walmart. Youll never find her. She proceeded to laugh uncomfortably for a good five
minutes. Then, without warning, the lady charged him with her pitchfork and to avoid her, he jumped out
the tower.

Ah yes, because that was definitely the best possible option.

Somehow, he didnt die (probably because that would have been a very depressing ending).
Instead, he landed on some thorns and then he couldnt see and screamed like a child for a little bit.
Eventually, he got to roaming around. He must have made it to Walmart because he kept whining
Rapunzels name and then at some point, she answered.
My prince? came the voice.
Rapunzel! he shouted in relief. Come to me! Heal my eyes with your tears!
He felt hands on his arms. Dude, she said. Your eyes are just closed. Open them.
The prince did.
Oh, he said. How nice.
He looked at her. She looked much better without all the hair. All that was left were a few blonde
tufts here and there, and even though it shouldnt have been, it was a huge improvement.
The prince picked a flower out of a display next to them. For you, my princess.
Rapunzel ate it.

The End