Review by Amber (Zhenaona Liu)

Does the author thoroughly discuss each element listed in the assignment prompt?
Does the essay go into depth, discussing not just what choices were made but why? If
not, what is missing and where can improvements be made, specifically?
At the first paragraph, the author introduced the current situation about the issue by
Shokunin kishitsu (the spirit of shokunin, craftsmanship) is an essential part of
Japanese culture and society (p.1). However, he didnt mention the current attitude
towards this issue so that it is difficult for the audience to form a different opinion.
The author used a clear topic sentence: David Gelb is so confused, then he decided to
make a documentary of sushi tell the audience what the genre is as well as why this
documentary is shot (par.2, p.1). Meanwhile, the process of how Gelb and the
protagonist getting to know each other was told as well, which makes the audience
full of a sense of participation. In terms of the audience, he mentioned: Not only will
those food-lovers or sushi fervent fellows be attracted by this documentary, also those
people even lack the interest in food or Japan and there is some other content without
food in this documentary (par.3, p.1). So we could know that a part the audience are
food-lovers, but it is still confusing about the characteristics and personality of those
people who are not interested in food. From my perspective, the author could cover
gender, age, location, lifestyle, economic situation, and attitude towards this issue of
the audience, which is more specific. Next, the author wrote about the rhetorical
appeal, and he covered all three parts, ethos, pathos, and logos. The first two parts
were well analyzed whereas the third part was not very convinced. the rigorous
spirits during the work seems not of the use logos, instead, data and numbers could
be more typical. As for purpose, persona, and design, since the essay is not completed,
these elements are not talked about yet.
Does the essay thoroughly use quotes throughout to support the claims made?
Are these quotes analyzed afterward, or just dropped in without context?
The author used quotes of two Japanese words shokunin and Shokunin kishitsu,
and explained their meanings afterward to convey the exotic culture to the audience,
and then turned to the topic (par.1, p.1). Next, he used a sentence from Kung Fu
Panda: We are noodle folk. Broth runs through our veins, but I am little confused
what he wanted to express. Maybe because the document is a documentary, these are
the only quotes. The author could use much more quotes to support his essay. For
example, when he described the process of how Gelb and the protagonist getting to
know each other, he could use some lines in the documentary or the dialog between
these two people.
Is the essay well organized? Does each paragraph discuss one topic, introduced
by a topic sentence? Is there a clear paragraph structure, and transitions between the
paragraphs? How would you recommend outlining this essay?
The structure of first three paragraphs is pretty good. The author explained special
words and different culture in Japan and then lead the reader to the documentary of
the master of sushi, Jiro Ono. Naturally, at paragraph two, he started to introduce the
difference of sushi so that transit to the call inspiring this documentary. From the
theme and content of this documentary, he analyzed what kind of people the audience

was at the third paragraph. Unfortunately, he didnt finish this essay, there is no such
an organization of following words.
How is the writing style of the essay itself? Is the voice confident and clear? Are
there specific moments where the voice becomes too casual, or too awkward? Are
there any grammatical issues the author needs to be aware of? You arent expected to
copyedit the essaythats the authors jobbut if you see a mistake made several
times, please point it out.
The author used the first person to address this essay, such as When I first saw,
which makes the readers feel like having a dialog with him (par.1, p.1). Particularly
worth mentioning is the author used shokunin and Shokunin kishitsu instead of
craftsman and craftsmanship throughout the whole essay (par.1, p.1). It is more
Japanese style, and the audience would have an exotic experience while reading.
There is a suggestion that the author needs to pay attention to the choice of word. For
instance, from my perspective, I suggest choosing recognition instead of
affirmation and trade rather than bargain, which is more appropriate.