Coping with Loss:

A Grief & Bereavement Manual

By: Alana Miller, Angie Coln, Jessica McKenna,

Kristy Eagle, and Paulina Hernandez Luna

Table of Contents
What is Grief?

What can Grief look like?

Dos & Donts of Grief

Types of Grief

7 Stages of Grief

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Pedro-Carrolls Children of Divorce

Intervention Program (CODIP)

14

Narrative Therapy: RE-membering

19

ASCA Position Statements

24

NASP Position Statements

25

Community Resources

26

References

27

Appendices

29

What is

Grief is what you experience when you

have suffered a loss. "Loss" is the key
word here because grief not only applies
to the way you feel after the death of a
loved one but also to the way you feel
whenever you suffer the loss of
something valuable to you.
It is estimated that 25% of
For example, grief often follows a
divorce, separation or breakup of a
relationship, loss through fire or
theft, loss of a job, the shattering
of a life-long dream, the loss of
one's youth, loss of control, the
loss of one's role as a parent when
children leave home, and the loss
of one's health, eyesight or
hearing. In looking at and
understanding grief in a broader
sense, you may be grieving for
something almost your entire
lifetime. Fortunately, the grief you
experience over your many losses
differs in intensity and longevity.
(Helen Fitzgerald, http://
www.childhoodbraintumor.org/information-forpatients-and-families/support-articles/item/60-grief101-some-common-facts-and-characteristics-of-grief)

children in the United

States will be exposed to at
least one high
magnitude traumatic
event by the age of 16, and
75% of children will
experience the loss of a
family member or friend
by the age of 10
(Kerig, Sink, Cuellar, Vanderzee, & Elfstrom, 2010)

What can

look like?

Emotional shock and at times an apparent lack of feelings, which

serve to help the child detach from the pain of the moment
Regressive (immature) behaviors, such as needing to be rocked or
held, difficulty separating from parents or significant others, needing
to sleep in parents bed or an apparent difficulty completing tasks well
within the childs ability level
Explosive emotions and acting out behavior that reflect the childs
internal feelings of anger, terror, frustration and helplessness. Acting
out may reflect insecurity and
a way to seek control over a
situation for which they have
little or no control
Asking the same questions
over and over, not because
they do not understand the
facts, but rather because the
information is so hard to believe or accept. Repeated
questions can help listeners
determine if the child is
responding to misinformation
or the real trauma of the event
(According to National Association of School Psychologists)

Types of Grief
Type

Description

Normal

There is no normal and typical way to grieve. No timelines and varies between
people.

Anticipatory

Grieving before the event has even happened (Long term illness). Can be related
to loss of dreams, future plans, family roles, etc. This type of grief can help people
prepare for the loss.

Complicated

Debilitating, long lasting, can impair your ability to engage in daily activities.

Chronic

Does not subside and can last over a long amount of time. Complete distress with
no signs of improving or feeling better.

Delayed

Suppressed grief with grief symptoms that show up much later than the event
and much later than is typical.

Distorted

Intense, Extreme and Atypical reaction. Odd changes in behavior and destructive
behavior.

Cumulative

When the person experiences a second loss while still grieving a first loss.

Prolonged

Prolonged and tense. The person spends a lot of time contemplating death, longing for reunion and unable to adjust to life without the person they lost.

Exaggerated

Intensification of normal grief responses. Can include nightmares, self destructive

behaviors, drug abuse, thoughts of suicide, abnormal fears and emergence of
psychiatric disorders.

Secondary Loss

When a loss impacts many parts of a persons life. In addition to the main loss, its
grief over other things lost as a result of the first loss.

Types of Grief
(continued)
Type

Description

Masked

Symptoms of grief impair daily functioning but the person does not recognize
them as grief. These feelings are masked as physical symptoms or other maladaptive behaviors.

When a persons culture, support group, or community make them feel like their
loss is not significant or valid. This happens when the death is stigmatized, the relationship is seen as insignificant, the loss is not a death or the relationship is stigDisenfranchised matized by the society.

Traumatic

Normal grief responses that are combined with traumatic distress as a result of
the loved one dying in a frightening, horrifying, unexpected or violent/traumatic
death.

Collective

Grief felt as a group -such as a community, society or country. Causes can be war,
natural disasters, terrorist attacks, mass casualties, natural tragedy or death of a
public figure.

Ambiguous

Losses that lack clarity. Different views of who or what has been lost.

Inhibited

Shows no outward signs of grief. The person inhibits the grief and can lead to
physical manifestations and somatic complaints.

Abbreviated

Short lived grief. Role of deceased could be filled quickly, could be little attachment to those who have passed away or could be able to accept and integrate the
loss because it was anticipated.

Absent

Shows no signs of grief, acts like nothing has happened. Described as complete
shock or denial. Can be concerning if it goes on for an extended amount of time.
(www.whatsyourgrief.com)
7

Cognitive Behavioral
Therapy (CBT)
What is CBT?
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) focuses on changing the way
someone feels about a specific activating event by changing the way
that they think about that same event. Using both behavioral and
cognitive techniques to accomplish these goals, CBT has generated
more empirical research than any other psychotherapy
model (Corey, 2013).
The ABC Framework, a central tool of CBT, provides a model for
visually mapping out a persons feelings and behaviors so that the
student/client can fully understand their own emotions.

(Corey, 2013)

Why use CBT for Grief?

It is believed that when a person is experiencing grief, it is important
to be able to distinguish between what a healthy reaction is to grief
and what may be considered prolonged dysfunctional grief
(Malkinson, 2010). CBT can help in creating more rational ways of
thinking making their grieving a healthier process.
Using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as a treatment approach to grief
has shown improvements when compared to other methods.
Evidenced-based studies have found that, CBT was more valuable in
treating complications in bereavement when compared to other
methods (Malkinson, 2010). Exposure, cognitive reconstruction, and
writing are among the various strategies evaluated to measure the
effectiveness of CBT.

10

Trauma Focused CBT

11 empirical studies that have shown positive impacts and

effectiveness of this type of treatment (Trauma Focused, 2012)

Kerig, Sink, Cuellar, Vanderzee, & Elfstrom (2010) found that this
particular type of CBT is a well-validated approach for treating
traumatic grief in children and adolescents, making it a great
resource for school-aged children.

There is also evidence that this approach works well with students
from various backgrounds, both cultural and ethnic. In addition, has
been used successfully in a variety of languages and countries

Can work in as little as 12 sessions

Results from TF-CBT

A reduction in PTSD symptoms
Improvements in: depression,
anxiety, behavior problems, and
trauma-related shame and other
symptoms linked to the grieving
process (How To Implement,
2004)
If your school district is interested in
implementing Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a full
Implementation guide can be found
here.

Limitations of TFCBT
May not be appropriate for:
Students whose primary
problems include serious conduct
problems
Students who are acutely suicidal
Students who actively abuse
substances

11

**This acronym serves as a guide to which steps should be taken, all of which are used with
TFCBT. It is important to remember that while each student will experience these general steps,
each treatment will be individualized to each students personal trauma or grief situation.
12

Example of CBT Counseling Session with Student

Background Information:
Abby is a student in the fourth grade who was adopted by her grandparents since her biological father was not able to take care of
her. She considers her grandparents as her own biological parents. Abby experienced a very traumatic event a couple of months ago
when her grandpa (father) died from lung disease. Abby has not been able to express her emotions about her fathers death but
continues to show signs of anger. The counselor has been using CBT to help Abby deal with the grief from losing her father . This
also helps Abby maintain positive memories since she was not able to properly say goodbye.
Counselor: Hi Abby, its nice to see you again.
Abby: Hi
Counselor: How is your week going so far?
Abby: Its okay. People keep asking how I am feeling and if I feel better...but I am tired of having to repeat the story of what happened. People dont get it, when I tell the story thats it... theres nothing else to tell!!!
Counselor: I can understand how having to express your feelings could be making you feel upset. Repeating a story that makes us
feel unhappy can be very difficult.
Abby: Exactly! I just want to move on and not have to remember what happened.
Counselor: I see. Abby do you remember last week when we spoke about the stages of grief? Its okay that you are unable to talk
about what happened. It could take a long time before you are comfortable and ready to talk.
Abby: Yes.
Counselor: Well, I just want to remind you that its okay if you dont want to talk about what happened. I want you to remember
that when you feel ready to express your emotions and feelings about how you felt and continue to feel after your fathers death; I
will be willing to listen.
Abby: Yes I understand, thank you.
Counselor: I also want to remind you that in order for me to help you, I will need to ask more questions about the events,
thoughts and feelings youve experienced. This will help us to slowly understand how you feel and how we can work together in
order for you to start coping with the loss of your father. This will happen when you are ready, so please, do not feel that you have
to do it rght now. Do you understand everything I have just said?
Abby: Yes I do.
Counselor: I know you are tired of repeating the story but I would like to invite you to try telling your story from a different perspective. Imagine your story is like a movie script and you are the director. As the director, you will be describing the emotions, feelings and actions of the event so that the actors can show it exactly how it happened. We can record it and you can listen to it when
we are done. If you dont like it, we can try it again. How does that sound?
Abby: Really? HaHa. Well, actually, that does sound like fun. Okay, I want to try it.
Counselor: Great! We can start whenever you are ready, okay?
Abby: Yes, well, my mom put her head down on his chest to listen for his heartbeat, and it went bum, bum, bum, bum and it
stopped. And then my dad just died. I had never seen anybody die, and that was really scary. I was crying a lot and hugging people.
Those people made me feel a little better not to be alone
Counselor: That was great! I really appreciate that you shared your story with me. Would you like to hear it?
Abby: Yes, please! Haha.
(counselor plays recording for client)
Abby: It sounds funny but this helps me to express how I feel. I just wish I could have said goodbye to him before he died. I was
playing with my friends and I didnt really see my dad that day.
**In this session, trauma narration was the particular technique used in order for Abby to be able to tell her own story.
(Adapted from Kerig, Sink, Cuellar, Vanderzee, Elfstrom, 2010)

13

Pedro-Carrolls Children of Divorce

Intervention Program (CODIP)
What is CODIP?
CODIP is grounded in cognitive behavioral therapy and
child development therapy. CODIP is a school-based,
preventively oriented intervention program designed to help
groups of children between the ages of 5-14.
CODIP creates a supportive group atmosphere in which
children can share divorce-related feelings, clarify common
misconceptions, and reduce feelings of isolation and builds
competence by teaching problem-solving, communication, and
anger control skills to help children cope adaptively with
challenges posed by parental divorce (Pedro-Carroll & Cowen,
1985).

14

Target Audience
The program consists of four
manuals that target age
groups based on developmental characteristics Students of
all genders and ethnicities are
able to use the program.
Kindergarten and first grade
Second and third grade
Fourth through sixth grade
Seventh and eighth grade

Programs main goals:

1. To reduce the stress of
parental divorce by
providing a supportive
environment
2. To build skills that can
help children cope with
the various challenges
related to parental
divorce

History of CODIP
CODIP was first implemented
during 1983 in Rochester New
York , at 5 suburban schools.
Since then, CODIP has be
implemented in over 500 schools
throughout the United States.

15

Evidence Based Practice

CODIP has been replicated and subjected to empirical evaluation. PedroCarroll and Jones (1985) determined efficacy of the program by assessing
parents, teachers, group leaders and children. Teachers reported that
students displayed less shy-anxious behaviors and learning issues while
improving social skills, tolerance, adherence to rules and assertiveness.
Parents and leaders reported similar results. Children reported less
anxiety than the control group. A replication with different participants
yielded the same results (Pedro-Carroll et al., 1986)
Three additional quasi-experimental trials of CODIP have shown
significant positive program effects on internalizing and externalizing
problems, competence, and adjustment compared with non randomized
control groups (Connolly & Green, 2009) (Velderman, Pannebakker & De
Wolff, 2011).
In a replication using second and third grade urban children, pre- and
post- intervention results indicated that CODIP children reported greater
improvements on measures assessing feelings about self and family and
coping abilities than children from either divorce or intact comparison
groups (Alpert-Gillis, Pedro-Carroll, and Cowen, 1989).Results from that
study infer that the program can be used for various ethnicities and
socioeconomic background.
(Pedro-Carroll & Jones, 2005)

16

About half of all marriages end in divorce.

Two thirds of divorce involve children.
20% of children who experience divorce
have a variety of psychological and social
difficulties that follow them through
adulthood. As adults, they are 2x more
likely to experience mental illness,
substance abuse, and failed relationships.
(Desrochers, 2004)

17

CODIPs Curriculum
10 -15 sessions ranging from 45 to 60 minutes.
Curriculum is divided into four different categories.

The first set of sessions addresses children's divorce-related feelings and understanding
of family changes, providing children with an opportunity to get to know one another
and share their feelings and common experiences. These sessions also focus on clarifying
children's misconceptions about divorce, and books and film are used interactively to
convey an understanding of family transitions

In the second set of sessions, children are taught self-statements and techniques for
resolving interpersonal problems. A key distinction is made between problems beyond
the children's control (e.g., parent reconciliation) and those within their control
(e.g., appropriate ways of communicating their feelings).

In the third set of sessions, anger and other common divorce-related feelings are
addressed using puppet play for young children and role-play for older children.
Common divorce-related problems are acted out with real-life examples of effective
ways of solving problems.

The final set of sessions focuses on evaluating the group experience and discussing
feelings around completion of the program (directly quoted from website) This is used in
place of role play session. SEE APPENDIX FOR ADDITIONAL INFO ABOUT CODIP

18

Narrative Therapy
Re-Membering Groups
The term narrative implies listening to and telling or
retelling stories about people and the problems in
their lives. In the face of serious and sometimes
potentially deadly problems, the idea of hearing or
telling stories may seem a trivial pursuit.
It is hard to believe that conversations can shape new
realities. But they do. The bridges of meaning we build
with children help healing developments flourish
instead of wither and be forgotten. Language can
shape events into narratives of hope.
(Freeman, Epston, & Lobovitz, 1997)

Key Points of
Narrative Therapy

Narrative counselors encourage clients to tell their own

stories which carry their
own meaning (Nafziger &
DeKruyf, 2013).
The counselor is there to
collaborate, not be an
authority figure or fix things
for the client (Monk &
Winslade, 2007).
Respect for the client and the
clients knowledge and story
is of utmost importance
(Monk & Winslade, 2007).

As a counselor you should

Invite clients to share their

story or experience in a new
way.
Assist clients in finding their
strengths and unique options
for their story.
Externalize the problem The
problem is the problem. The
person is not the problem. (Monk & Winslade,
2007)
Help clients find a preferred
story.
Understand that all outcomes
will be unique, just the clients
you work with.
19

What are Re-Membering Groups?

Re-membering groups are grief groups that use narrative practices to help
students re-member their lost one, not forget about them or move away from
them. They are based on the idea that our identities are created by a club of
life which include members. These members have helped play a role in our
life and how we see ourselves, they are a part of our story. Re-membering
Groups help link the clients and members
lives together, which can help reduce
isolation and grief. (Russell & Carey 2002)
Re-membering groups avoid the letting
go or saying goodbye that is traditionally
encouraged and invites students to
continue relationships, through stories,
with their dead loved one. For many, the
typical response to losing a loved one is to
sever the relationship but re-membering
helps students find creative and deliberate ways to keep their loved one close
to them as a resource for living. By keeping their dead loved ones present,
students are not separating themselves from their loved ones and are taking a
less passive role in their own grief. (Granados, Winslade, De Witt & Hedtke,
2009)
However, re-membering groups are not just recalling the past or reminiscing, it
is the reincorporation of the dead persons voices, stories, love and
membership in the ongoing community of the living (Granados et al., 2009).
20

Counselors help their students re-member by:

-Having them introduce their loved ones to the group
(Who was it that died?)
-Sharing Relationship stories
(Meaning of that person in the students life)
-Acknowledge cultural rituals about death
(No right or wrong way to grieve)
-Creating membership cards
(Cards that contain memories, pictures and sayings that the student can
keep with them)
-Deconstructing messages about death and grief
(What had the world told the students about their grief what worked or
didnt work for them?)
-Using the voice of the dead loved one as a resource
(Bring the voice of the loved one forward- students imagine what the
person would say)
These activities, along with others, can help students shift their grieving
from what has been seen as lost to what is now renewed. It encourages
them to move forward by bringing the voice of the loved one with them,
not by letting go of their loved one. (Granados et al., 2009).

Effective For:
Elementary, Middle
and High School
Students
All cultures
Individuals or Groups
21

Evidence of Narrative Therapy:

Evidence for this intervention is
limited. The results from the students
were informal and anecdotal.
However, the feedback from students
who have participated in these groups
has all been positive.

Limitations of Narrative Therapy:

Can be perceived as not accepting the

reality of death.
Re-membering groups are not yet a
common practice in schools, so they may
not be accepted by all.
Can be difficult to measure outcomes.

22

Curriculum for a Re-Membering Group

(OBrian, 2009)
(Retrieved from jeannineobrian.weebly.com)
Lesson Plans Adapted from Granados et al., 2009, & Hedke, 2012
Session 1
Time: 50 minutes
Topic: Introduce the dead
Materials
- journals
- pens
- chart paper
- marker(s)
- journal questions written/printed out

Activities
1. Make group rules/guidelines (including confidentiality and you should statements)
2. Group members introduce themselves and introduce the person who has died (Briefly.)
3. More detailed introduction of people who have died in dyads. Then each pair shares with the
group. Facilitators might ask...
a. Can you introduce me to your loved one?
b. Tell me about the person who died.
c. What things did they enjoy in life?
d. What were their professions?
e. What were their hobbies and interests?
f. What kind of things did you enjoy about them?
g. What did it mean to have them in your life?
4. Introduce the concept of journaling exercises, and get started if there is time. Besides in
group this week, when are the times that you notice a connection with your loved one who has
died?
i. Are there some times more than others that you notice this connection?
ii. Do you notice this connection more when you are alone or when you are with other people?
iii. Are there stories, songs, rituals or sayings in particular that remind you of this person and
your connection with him/her?
Meet with students briefly during sessions 1 and 2. Remind them to do the journal entry if they
havent. (Have extra copies of the prompt on hand)
SEE APPENDIX FOR FULL RE-MEMBERING CURRICULUM

23

ASCA Position Statements

The Professional School Counselor and Student Mental Health (Adopted 2009)
The American School Counselor Association (ASCA) Position
Students unmet mental health needs can be a significant barrier to student academic,
personal-social and career development; and even compromise school safety. Professional
school counselors do not provide long-term therapy in schools to address psychological
disorders; however, they must be prepared to recognize and respond to student mental
health crises and needs, and to address these barriers to student success by offering
education, prevention, and crisis and short-term intervention until the student is connected
with available community resources.
The Rationale
Schools are often one of the first places where mental health crises and needs of students
are recognized and initially addressed (Froeschle & Meyers, 2004). Research indicates that
20% of students are in need of mental health services, yet only one out of five of these
students receive the necessary services (Kaffenberger & Seligman, 2007).
The School Counselors Role
Professional school counselors are knowledgeable and skilled in working with students who
are struggling with developmental or mental health issues, and must provide a comprehensive school counseling program in an effort to promote academic, career and personal/
social development and success for all students.
Comprehensive school counseling programs span the continuum of care provided to
students and their families, and are consistent with professional school counselors
commitment to student success. Professional school counselors should:
Provide responsive services including internal and external referral procedures, shortterm counseling or crisis intervention focused on mental health or situational (e.g.
grief, difficult transitions) concerns with the intent of helping the student return to the
classroom and removing barriers to learning
ASCA POSITION STATEMENT ON STUDENT MENTAL HEALTH CAN BE FOUND AT, https://
www.schoolcounselor.org/asca/media/asca/PositionStatements/
24
PS_StudentMentalHealth.pdf

NASP Position Statements

THE IMPORTANCE OF SCHOOL MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES
The National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) advocates for the provision of
coordinated, comprehensive, culturally competent, and effective mental health services in
the school setting which include prevention and early intervention services as well as
therapeutic interventions. These services should emphasize competence enhancement,
prevention of mental illness, education, early intervention, and coordination of intensive
interventions to adequately address student mental health needs.
ADDRESSING MENTAL HEALTH PROMOTION WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF SCHOOLS
Schools are the logical point of entry for services to promote the mental health and social
and emotional competence of students. For nearly half of children with emotional disorders
who receive any intervention, schools are the sole providers. Moreover, schools frequently
are the primary providers of mental wellness promotion efforts for children.

ROLE OF SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGISTS

School psychologists are uniquely qualified to provide comprehensive, cost-effective,
mental health services. They are trained to integrate the knowledge and skill base of
psychology with their training in education, learning, child development, and educational
systems. School psychological services include but are not limited to consultation; the
formulation of behavioral intervention plans and behavior management; provision of direct
mental health services for individual and small groups; assessment; development,
implementation, and evaluation of prevention and intervention programs; crisis
intervention; and referral processes. School psychologists are also uniquely trained to
bridge the gap between schools and community agencies because their training emphasizes
culturally-competent practice, prevention science, mental health services, and ecologicalsystems theories. They facilitate communication and collaboration with community
agencies and related professionals, school personnel, and families. As change facilitators,
they engage in systems consultation and the promotion of public policies to support the
education and mental health of children.
NASP POSITION STATEMENT ON SCHOOL MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES CAN BE FOUND AT,
http://www.nasponline.org/about_nasp/positionpapers/MentalHealthServices.pdf
25

Community Resources
ASCA Resources

http://www.schoolcounselor.org/magazine/blogs/may-june-2008/the-grievingschool
https://www.schoolcounselor.org/school-counselors-members/asca-resourcecenter/death-dying-grief/journal-articles

NASP Resources

http://www.nasponline.org/resources/principals/School-Based%20Mental%
20Health%20Services%20NASSP%20Sept%202006.pdf
http://www.nasponline.org/resources/mentalhealth/mhtips.aspx

Helpful Articles & Online Resources

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2015/01/17/what-not
-to-say-to-grieving-students-and-other-tools-to-help-bereaved-kids-at-school/
http://www.childhoodbraintumor.org/information-for-patients-and-families/
support-articles/item/60-grief-101-some-common-facts-and-characteristics-ofgrief
http://www.childrengrieve.org
http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/
http://www.dougy.org/
http://www.schoolcrisiscenter.org/ (Letters)
http://grievingstudents.scholastic.com/
http://www.nctsn.org/trauma-types/traumatic-griefhttp://
www.nationalallianceforgrievingchildren.org/national-poll-bereaved-childrenteenagers

San Diego County Resources

San Diego Access and Crisis Line

Call 2-1-1 or (858) 300-1211 or (800) 479-3339
Families Helping Families
(The Jenna Druck FoundationGreif Support Groups)
(619) 294-8000
San Diego Hospice - Bereavement Department
(619) 278-6371

26

References
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investigation of the efficacy of a school-based prevention program. Journal of Counseling
and Clinical School Psychology, 53, 603-611.
Pedro-Carroll, J. L., Cowen, E. L., Hightower, A. D., & Guare, J. C. (1986). Preventive intervention with
latency-aged children of divorce: A replication study. American Journal of Community Psychology,
14, 277-290.

Russell, S. & Carey, M. (2002). Remembering: responding to commonly asked questions. The
International Journal of Narrative Therapy and Community Work, (3).
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (2004). How to implement trauma-focused cognitive
behavioral therapy. (Version no. 2). Los Angeles, CA.
Winslade, J.M. & Monk, G.D. (2007). Narrative counseling in schools: Powerful & brief. Thousand Oaks,
CA: Corwin Press

28

Appendix A-1

Children of Divorce Intervention Program (CODIP)

How to Implement
Cost is $125.00 per manual
Can be purchased at https://www.childrensinstitute.net/programs/codip
How to know if the program is working?
Program provides instruments to evaluate childrens behavior and social/
emotional literacy. There are pre-tests and post-tests.

29

Appendix B-1

Curriculum for a Re-Membering Group

Session 2-6 + Pre/Post Surveys
(OBrian, 2009)
(Retrieved from jeannineobrian.weebly.com)
Lesson Plans Adapted from Granados et al., 2009, & Hedke, 2012

Session 1 Please see page 23 of this manual for session 1 curriculum

Session 2
Time: 50 minutes
Topic: Unpacking the language of grief
Materials
- Journals
- Pens
- Additional blank paper and something to write on (table, book, whatever)
- White board or chart paper
- Markers
- Journal question written out/printed
Activities
1. Facilitator asks about the experience of the first session and journal writing
2. Students work in dyads to answer: What kinds of things did people say to you before your loved one died or
since his or her death about how you were supposed to feel, think, or act? Students write down their answers,
not judging or discounting, just recalling.
3. When time is up, the group comes back together and shares what they talked about in pairs. The facilitator
writes down answers on the whiteboard.
4. The facilitator asks about cultural messages that came from things like sympathy cards, TV, religious leaders,
friends, etc., and adds to the white board.
5. Students evaluate the comments. Of these messages, what has been helpful? Of these messages, what has not
been helpful?
6. Journaling (There probably wont be time, but have prompts just in case a student wants to journal for HW) If
you were to give advice to a person facing similar experience, knowing what you know now about what is
helpful and what is not, what might you tell them?
Meet with students in between sessions 2 and 3 to remind them to bring their object and/or picture. Meet with
them on TUESDAY & WEDNESDAY before group on Thursday.

30

Appendix B-2

Session 3
Time: 50 minutes
Topic: Stories of strength
Materials
- Journals
- Pens
- Typed list of comments, words, phrases that the group came up with in session 2 (print one for every student)
- Students photos and items
- Journal question written out/printed
Activities
1. Revisit session 2, ask students if they have any lingering thoughts.
2. Sharing items and photos
Questions to ask (during sharing) to bring out stories of strength include:
a. What do you admire about how (the deceased) faced challenges in life?
b. What were his best moments?
c. How did she live with adversities?
d. In what ways did the deceased rise to the challenge of hardships surrounding his own death? e. What do you
think she would appreciate about why you selected this picture or item?
f. What does he know about you that would let him know you could manage the challenges in front of you?
g. What might she see you succeeding at in the near or distant future?
3. Journaling (just in case we need an extra activity)
- What were your loved ones moments of greatness in life?
- What strengths did your loved one have that you would like to keep close to you?
- What would he or she say are your own moments of greatness?
- What difference would you like this to make in your life as you remember the stories of strength?

31

Appendix B-3
Session 4
Time: 50 minutes
Topic: Finding the voice of the deceased
Materials
- Journals
- Pens
- Journal question written out/printed
Activities
1. Reflect on session 3. If applicable, ask students about a question from Session 3s journal exercise: What would
your loved one say are your moments of greatness in life?
2. Remembering conversation a. If your loved one were here, what would he say he valued about you? b. What
would she say she appreciated about how you were during her illness? (if applicable) c. What would he say he
appreciated about how you have handled things since he died?
3. Additional reflective questions
a. If you were to remember your loved ones words, how might it make today, tomorrow, or whenever easier to
bear?
b. When you imagine her words of advice living within you, how might you access these words when you need
them?
4. Journaling exercise (start during session)
Please write a letter from your loved one to yourself. In it, please talk about the things you mentioned in the
group. What does your loved one value and appreciate about you?
** Students are asked to bring pictures between sessions 4 and 5 for the re-membering cards**

32

Appendix B-4
Session 5
Time: 50 minutes
Topic: Stories of Strength (2)
Materials
- Journals
- Pens
- Journal question written out/printed
- construction paper
- scissors
- glue sticks
- writing utensils
Activities
1. Review Session 4s journal exercise - invite students to read the letters they wrote, and use the letters as a
starting point for conversation.
2. Re-membership card activity Students will make a collage like creation on construction paper. They will write
words and phrases related to the person theyve lost. Hopefully the discussions and journaling exercises in
previous groups will lead students to have thoughts on hand. Facilitators will use a copier to shrink the collages
down to the size of a typical membership card and laminate them.
**Students are asked to bring a picture and/or item of someone who helps keep alive memories of the person who
died**
Remind students to bring the item between sessions 5 and 6.

33

Appendix B-5
Session 6
Time: 50 minutes
Topic: Expanding the club
Materials:
- Journals
- Pens
- Journal question written out/printed
- Collage materials from session 5
Activities
1. Students share the pictures/items they brought with them. Facilitators say a. Please introduce the group to
people in the pictures b. How have they come to know your loved one? c. Who else shares your stories, love and
memories of your loved one? d. What is it that they would say they value about your deceased loved one?
2. Give students time to finish up their collages from session 5
3. Reflecting on group
a. What has touched you about meeting other people who have died?
b. What stories of strength and love have you heard about from others in the past six weeks that have made
a difference in your life?
c. What would your loved one say that he values about what you have done in the past six weeks in this
group?
d. If there were one thing your loved one would want others to know about what it means to have her
stories shared here, what would she say?
4. Post-group evaluations will be completed a different day, in the office, 1 on 1.

34

Appendix B-6

Pre-Group Survey
1) Who was the loved one you lost, and what was their relationship to you?
___________________________________________________________________________

2) When did you lose this person?

___________________________________________________________________________
3) On a scale from 1-10, how much grief and sadness do you have when thinking about your loved one?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
4) In addition to grief and sadness, what other feelings have you experienced in connection to the loss of your loved one?
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
5) What are some things that have been helpful to you when grieving? (what has made you feel better?)
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________

6) What is your hope for your time in group with us (how could group be most helpful for you)?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________

7) Is there anything else that we should know before starting group?

___________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________

35

Appendix B-7

Post-Group Survey
1) On a scale from 1-10, how much grief and sadness do you have when thinking about your loved one?
1 2

10

2) In addition to grief and sadness, what other feelings have you experienced in connection to the loss of your loved one?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________
3) What part(s) of group did you find helpful?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________
4) What did you DISLIKE about group?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
_______________
--5) What else should we know about your group experience?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________

36

Appendix B-8

My ______________ is Always with me

A Remembering Journey
Written and Illustrated by
______________

My ______________ is always with me.

My ______________ was a ____________________ and___________________
person.
He/she taught me to____________________ .
My ______________ loved____________________.
I remember this every time I am ____________________ .
Sometimes, I remember ____________________.
He/she is always with me when I am____________________.
I imagine that my ______________ would be happy if he/she was to see
me____________________.
He/she would know how happy____________________ makes me.
He/she would be proud of me for____________________ .
He/she loved____________________.
My ______________ especially liked____________________.
I wonder if____________________ are messages from he/she.
When I____________________, I imagine my ______________.
My Family and I always remember him/her when ____________________
I remember my ______________ even at____________________.
Someday I will tell my kids about my ______________.
I hope they will like knowing my ______________ like I do.
I have seen places and imagined ____________________.
I loved to be with my ______________.
People tell me stories about him/her.
My ________ always tells me that he/she was____________________.
____________________tells me that he/she was.
Looking at pictures lets me see that he/she looks____________________.
____________________look just like him/her.
I like to introduce people to my ______________.
I like to tell people who didnt get a chance to meet him/her all about him/her.
I have told ______________ all about him/her.
I have also told ____________________ all about him/her
It was nice to tell____________________.
My ______________ had____________________.
My ______________ is always with me!

37

Appendix B-9

My Grandma is Always with me

A Remembering Journey
Student Sample

My Grandma is always with me

My Grandma was a kind and thoughtful person.
She taught me to love other people.
My Grandma loved her family.
I remember this every time I see something she owned.
Sometimes, I remember her when we both went to the park.
She is always with me when I am sleeping in my dreams.
I imagine that my Grandma would be happy if she was to see me at the park looking at
squirrels.
She would know how happy she makes me.
She would be proud of me for thinking of her.
She loved me so much.
My Grandma especially liked cats.
I wonder if she is always with me.
When I hear her, I imagine what she looked like.
My Grandma and I would always go to the park, when she was alive.
I remember my pancakes even at Rosas restaurant.
Someday I will tell my kids about her.
I hope they will like knowing my Grandma like I do.
I have seen places and imagined that she went there.
I loved to wear her jewelry.
People tell me stories about her.
They tell me that my Grandma looked like Snow-white when she was a kid.
Looking at pictures lets me see that my Grandma was beautiful.
My Grandma and I look just alike.
I like to introduce people to my friends.
I like to tell people who didnt get a chance to meet her all about her.
I have told everybody all about her.
It was nice to tell how she looked.
My Grandma is beautiful.
My Grandma is always by me and loves me!

38

Appendix C-1

Sample Letter to Parents

Date
Dear Parent,
It is with deep regret that we inform you about a recent loss to our school community. On (INSERT
date), (INSERT name of the deceased) (INSERT brief facts about the death). This loss is sure to raise
many emotions, concerns, and questions for our entire school, especially our students.
Our school (and INSERT name of school district, if applicable) has a Crisis Intervention Team made up
of a professionals trained to help with the needs of students, parents, and school personnel at difficult
times such as this. At our school (or INSERT name of alternative school), we have counselors available
for any student who may need or want help or any type of assistance surrounding this loss. We
encourage you, as parents, to also feel free to use our resources.
We have enclosed some information that may be useful to you in helping your child at home. If you
would like additional information or need assistance, please do not hesitate to contact (INSERT name of
Communications Coordinator or Counseling Services Coordinator) at (INSERT phone number).
We are saddened by the loss to our school community and will make every effort to help you and your
child as you need.
Sincerely,
(Type the name of the signer and title. This letter is usually signed by the principal, superintendent, or
crisis team coordinator)
Examples of information to insert in the opening paragraph:
John Smith, one of our 9 grade students
Mrs. Jones, who taught 7 grade English
th

th

was killed in an automobile accident

died after a long-illness
died suddenly
died by suicide (before inserting this information, be sure the immediate family is fine with this
information being released)
http://www.schoolcrisiscenter.org/

39

Appendix C-2

Sample Letter to Staff

Date:
To: All Staff
From: INSERT NAME OF SCHOOL Crisis Team
Re: INSERT NAME OF DECEASED
The recent death of (Insert Name) (has OR is expected to make) a significant impact on our entire school community. Our
crisis team has been mobilized to respond to this tragic event.
On (insert date), (Insert name of deceased) (INSERT brief facts about the death). We expect a variety of reactions to this
loss from our students, parents, and members of our staff. Some of these reactions may be mild, others may be more
intense.
To effectively assist all members of our school community, an emergency staff meeting will be held at (Insert time) on
(Insert date) in the (Insert place such as the cafeteria or other large area). At that time, our crisis team will provide further
details and answer questions. We will also discuss how to present the information to our students. In the meantime, please
refer all inquiries from outside sources to (Insert name of the Media or Communication Coordinator).
With students, you can acknowledge that this death has occurred. However, please avoid discussion of any details; simply
tell students that the school staff will provide information to everyone shortly. Please refer any student who appears to be
in crisis or having significant difficulty to (Insert name of Counseling Services Coordinator). As this tragedy has also effected our staff, we encourage you to also seek assistance from (Insert name of Counseling Services Coordinator), if
desired.
Emergency Staff Meeting
Time:
Date:
Location:
If you have any questions or concerns before the meeting, please contact (Insert name of Crisis Team Coordinator).

Examples of information to insert in the opening paragraph:

John Smith, one of our 9 grade students
Mrs. Jones, who taught 7 grade English
th

th

was killed in an automobile accident

died after a long-illness
died suddenly
died by suicide (before inserting this information, be sure the immediate family is fine with this information being
released)

40

Appendix C-3

Sample Information for Students

This information should be given to teachers and other staff to read to students at a designated time to
share with the entire student body (e.g., homeroom or first/second period)
It is with sadness that I tell you about a loss to our school family. On (INSERT date) (INSERT name of
deceased) (INSERT fact about the death).
I understand that many of you my have upsetting feelings and questions about (INSERT name of
deceased)s death. I will try to answer any questions that I can. If you would like, we will take the
remainder of this class period to talk about what has happened. At times like this, it is okay to have
many different feelings, including sadness, anger, and disbelief. It is okay to cry. Together, we can talk
about whatever you may be feeling or want to talk about. If I can not answer your questions, or you
would like to talk to someone privately, there are support rooms now available (INSERT where support
rooms are located). Anyone who would like to go to talk to someone in the support rooms may do so
now. I will give you a pass.
Determine which students would like to leave for a support room. Ask the remaining students if they
have any questions or comments they would like to share. Take time to answer and to talk as the
students desire.
If there is not lengthy discussion, consider quiet seat work rather than lesson plans as usual.

41

Appendix D-1

Developmental Grief Responses

Age 2-4
Developmental Stage/Task
Egocentric. Believe world centers around them. Narcissistic. Lack cognitive understanding of
death and related concepts. Limited language skills.
Concept of Death
Death seen as reversible, as abandonment, not permanent. Common statements: Did you
know my mom died? When will she be home?
Grief Response
Intensive response but brief. Very present oriented. Most aware of changes in patterns of care.
Asking questions repeatedly.
Signs of Distress
Regression: changes in eating and sleeping patterns, bed wetting, general irritability and
confusion.
Possible Interventions
Short, honest answers, frequent repetition, lots of reassurance and nurturing. Consistent
routine. Play is their outlet for grief.

Age 4-7
Developmental State/Task
Gaining a sense of autonomy. Exploring the world outside of self. Gaining language. Fantasy
wishing and thinking. Initiative phase seeing self as the initiator. Concerns of guilt.
Concept of Death
Death still seen as reversible. Personification of death. Feeling of responsibility because of
wishes and thoughts. Common statements: Its my fault. I was mad and wished shed die.
Grief Response
More verbalization. Great concern with process. How? Why? Repetitive questioning. May act
as though nothing has happened. General distress and confusion.
Signs of Distress
Regression: nightmares, sleeping and eating disturbed. Possible violent play. Attempts to take
on role of person who died.
Positive Interventions
Symbolic play using drawings and stories. Allow and encourage expression of energy and
feelings through physical outlets. Talk about it.

42

Appendix D-2

Developmental Grief Responses (continued)

Age 7-11
Developmental Stage/ Task
Concrete thinking. Self-confidence develops. Beginning of socialization. Development of
cognitive ability. Beginning of logical thinking.
Concept of Death
Death seen as punishment. Fear of bodily harm and mutilation. This is a difficult transition
period, still wanting to see death as reversible but beginning to see it as final.
Grief Response
Specific questions. Desire for complete detail. Concerned with how others are responding.
What is the right way to respond? Starting to have ability to mourn and understand mourning.
Signs of Distress
Regression: school problems, withdrawal from friends. Acting out. Sleeping and eating
disturbed. Overwhelming concern with body. Death thoughts (desire to join one who died).
Role confusion.
Possible Interventions
Answer questions. Encourage expression of range of feelings. Explain options and allow for
choices. Be available but allow alone time. Symbolic plays. Allow for physical outlets. Listen
and allow for talk about the death.

Age 11-18
Developmental Stage/Task
Formal operational problem solving. Abstract thinking. Integration of ones own
personality.
Concept of Death
A more ADULT approach. Ability to abstract. Beginning to conceptualize death. Work at
making sense of teachings.
Grief Response
Extreme sadness. Denial. Regression. More often willing to talk to people outside of family
and peer support. Risk taking. Traditional mourning.
Signs of Distress
Depression. Anger often towards parents. Suicidal thoughts. Non-compliance. Rejection of
former teaching. Role confusion. Acting out.
Possible Interventions
Encourage verbalization. Allow for choices. Encourage self motivation. Listen. Be available.
Do not attempt to take grief away.
http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/developmental-grief-responses/

43