Nicci Davis

English 2010-002
Professor Tyler Barnum
Profile Essay
2/7/16
The Choices of One Affect Many
Mary Ellen, a Caucasian mother of five, is more heavily worn than most 31 year olds,
and has no educational background. She is seemingly devoid of life, charm, and charisma. The
years of smoking and drug use left her with no teeth and aged her skin, leaving it scared and
worn, like aged, dry leather. Her small petite frame has withered away and appears even smaller
underneath the oversized clothing she wears. Her appearance is similar to a skeleton, or starving
child. I could see that the apples of her cheeks, once the height of her smile, were now hollowed
and sunken in. The words spewing from her mouth scream of being jaded and bitter as she
reviews the journey of losing everything, being a drug addict, and avoiding the issue of mental
illness.
At first glance, when speaking to Mary there are no obvious signs of mental illness or
drug abuse. But, as the conversation continues, the fidgeting, her rocking back and forth, and
begging me to understand what she was saying; incoherent and rushed, her thoughts came out of
her mouth like a broken dam.
Mary was no stranger to mental illness and clearly proclaimed for all to hear, My life
was shit! I have been surrounded by crazy, from my parents, to my siblings and even my

husband. I dont know any different the only thing I know for sure, is that I am not crazy like
them, but look at me I am behind bars, and for no reason. No matter though, God is my Judge.
Her emotions raw and heavy as she began pleading with me to understand, trying to
reason and explain why she is who she is, giving her life story; justifying the choices she made in
her life. Her choices have clearly affected everyone around her, from her family growing up, her
friends, and as an adult both her husband and children. She said in a sarcastic tone, It is hard for
me to believe my actions affected others and I know I cant change who I am deep down inside.
Mary proceeded to explain that she was the youngest of five siblings, which made her a
fighter. She always wanted to make her own path, and do her own thing. She said, I was always
a little defiant especially being the youngest child; everyone always saw me as a brat, so I needed
to protect myself. She was born in Utah, but the divorce of her parents at age nine would
separate her family. She moved with her mother and two sister away from everything she knew.
Mary said with frustration in her voice, I was so hurt having to leave my friends, my dad and
two brothers behind for nothing but the Podunk town of Hillman, Minnesota. I was so depressed
that we went from the big city to the smallest hole in the wall, which only twenty three people
managed to survive to boredom by drinking, smoking and toking up. It was nothing but cow shit
and farm land for miles, and within a half mile there were three bars and two churches, oh my
hell, this has to tell you something!
After suffering with depression for about two years, it got so bad that Mary said she felt
she could no longer face life as her highs were so high and her lows were so low. She finally
attempted suicide, trying to end the feeling of the uneasy, unsteady dread, but her unsuccessful
and unnoticed attempts at suicide left her feeling even more helpless as the few ibuprofen pills
she took did no damage, except to her pride.

Mary continued to struggle in silence and felt abandoned and alone in Minnesota. Her
father and brothers still resided in Utah with no contact, her mother struggled to keep a roof over
her head by working three jobs, and her sisters were older and paid little attention to her. Feeling
alone, resentful and defiant, Mary started acting out. She began going against her mothers
wishes, associating and befriending people twice her age, sneaking out, and getting into trouble.
With no real enforcement of the rules, she experienced early exposure to drugs and alcohol
which in turn changed her life. Mary shrugged her shoulders as though it was no big deal, saying,
I decided that others were freeing their minds, and seemed happy, care free and so relaxed and I
needed that. I needed a way to feel normal and so I started smoking pot with my new found
friends, because I knew it was my escape, feel happy and even giggle. I knew everyone told me
it was bad for me, but I didnt care. What did they know?
My sisters and mother tried all they could to get me to stop, they told me they would call
the police, they even tried guilting me into thinking about how it was affecting everyone else.
Honestly, I gave a shit less about how they felt. I felt happy. Mary smiled a gummy smile after
she expressed, It was about what I needed and who I was.
After several rounds of unsuccessful attempts to get Mary to behave, her mother opted
the best course of action was to move the family back to Utah. This did nothing but upset and
push Marys defiant behavior further down a road that she expressed being, One hell after the
other.
Mary said with an odd amount of pleasure, At thirteen, I sought out the individuals who
would help me make similar choices. My father came back in the picture and attempted to put his
foot down, but he was a crazy son of a bitch, so it only pushed me further away. I needed control

in my life, I needed to think about how I felt. I couldnt help but act out, I thought this could hide
the drug use and I could deal with the constant dread.
I felt the pressure from my family, and of course their concern. They wanted me to be
something I was not, and it pushed me further from being happy and feeling normal. I got sick
and tired of listening and talking about how I worried my family. Frankly, I just refused to accept
that I was crazy like my father and I will never need medication.
Mary believed she was in control of her drug use until she started getting into harder
drugs such as meth. At first the drug left her with so much energy, feeling excited and full of life.
It was a super euphoric high, she had felt a few times without drug use, but longed for
experience. As she came down she said, Confusion set in, as I still felt broken, out of control,
paranoid but I had God to help me. Paranoia took hold of her mind leaving her fearful, with no
peace or control in sight. The paranoia brought chaos into her life, so Mary decided to do what
she knew best, she ran. This time her escape was not only from her emotions, it was away from
everyone who loved her.
After years on the streets, traveling from town to town doing whatever it took to get a fix
and keep the grandiose feeling, Mary found her way back home. Her mental state only went
downhill as she struggled back and forth with drugs. She said, Even after all I put my family
through surprisingly my family was still there but as a consequence for my action my parents
made me suffer through listening to each person tell me how running away affected them. I am
not going to lie, it hurt hearing each persons story, seeing them cry as they talked about their
sleepless nights. I tried to tell them that what they went through was nothing compared to what I
went through on the streets. That I struggled to get by every day which lead me to do
unspeakable things to truck drivers as I need to find my next ride and happy feeling.

Frustrated and in a somewhat gloating tone, Mary says, I chose to give up the hard stuff!
I overcame all the depression and I started my own family all without any medication. I kept it
natural which helped me deal with my bullshit life ups and downs. Her world started crashing
down around her when her husband lost his job, putting her life in ruin. She said, It fucking
figures, my life went upside down and at again no fault of my own. I had to trust that Gods plan
was set before me, so I had to cope. Ironically, I was back to the hell I knew, but did not want to
be in.
Her husband James, listening to what Mary just said was so frustrated, threw his hands in
the air and spoke sternly, This spiraled Mary into a manic episode, things were going great for a
long time, she just went all crazy and super spiritual, more crazy than normal, lets put it that
way. Dani always managed to function in a hypomania mode, but this pushed her over the edge
and she turned back to the use of hard drugs. Mary interrupted James and snapped, I just need
something to bring myself back to normal.
James paused for a moment, holding back a well of tears. Clearly hurting and feeling
helpless, he muttered, No one can help Dani, when she is struggling in her crazy mode, as she
will throw away everything precious to her life including kids and me. He sighed, Mary is
sick! I cant get her to do anything about it. I know Marys family tried to step in by doing an
intervention; each one pleading in a different fashion for her to get help. Everyone is well aware
of her drug use, but she refuses to get help or even admit that there is a problem.
After hearing James speak about the intervention, Mary grew agitated raising her voice to
the point that drew unwanted attention. Shaking her fists to the sky, she exclaims in very serious
tone, I cant see why everyone is so hurt! God ordained my life, it is only my life that is affected
by choices. I will only do what God allows.

The choices she made did not just affect her, they affected everyone around her including
her father Jerry. Jerry was an average round man in his 50s, salt and pepper hair and a mustache
that took up half his face. He was clearly rough around the edges his words expressed genuine
concern and fear for his daughter.
Mary has always been spiritual, but when she is a manic episode her bouts of super
spiritualism get irrational. Her bi-polar is hereditary, but she refuses to get help unless it is
natural. She hurts everyone who loves her and we all have to sit back and watch her go down
this self-destructive path. He paused, tears in his eyes It is heart breaking, I cant do anything
to help her, not even get her into the hospital and have help forced. She knows the system and
tells them she is not a danger to herself or others. It sickens me, because continues her unguided
irresponsible behavior to continue. Dragging all us who love and care about her along for the
ride.
Marys life gets even more complicated as her manic episode is on the way down. Her
husband James exhausted as he is now trying to make it on his own, with five kids because Mary
sits behind bars.
Danis mania was at full bore. James says with a whisper while leaning forward in his
chair, his eyes full of sorrow, She shaved all the hair off her head and all five of the kids;
babbling end of the world situations. Her eyes screamed that something was not right, when I
tried to get her help she freaked out. She left the house in a rage, stealing my work truck and
taking with her insignificant things, such as coffee, toothbrushes and even the beer out of the
fridge.

It was not until the next day James heard her what happened. Mary was arrested, facing
multiple charges, ranging from a DUI, to evading a police officer and lewdness. James spoke to
the officer, and the officer explained to James that Mary was lucky to be alive. Her speed
exceeded 100 mph, she crashed head on into an embankment, and fled the accident scene where
they found her having stripped naked in frozen cesspool, talking about the end of the world.
Mary remembers that night very differently, believing with her whole heart, that she was
running from God. I fear not man, but God alone so I need not obey the laws in which man has
set. She justifies her out of character, irrational behavior by saying, God has called us
according to his plan, and, I know God is in control. She does not see that her actions impact
her children or her family, that it will all be worked out in due time.
Mary now waits to be released, not understanding the severity of her charges, and still
not willing to get any help for her bi-polar disorder, dismissing anything is wrong with her. So
the question is, once she is released, how long will it be before she is back in jail, back on the
streets or even dead?
Marys bi-polar disorder, left untreated, has a devastating effect on everyone around her.
While these illness are difficult to handle, they are often treatable with properly prescribed
medication. When individuals like Mary are unable or unwilling to seek legitimate help, they
often try to self-medicate by the using the means of alcohol or illicit drugs, which only continues
the cycle of destructive behavior. And it is this cycle that leads to further pain for all those
involved, including Mary.