Cynthia Thomas

Comm-2110- Sp16
Submitted to: Professor Knott
April 30, 2016

Final Report- Personal Change Project

Overview
For my personal change project I chose to attempt to modify my listening
skills in order become a more other oriented listener. I was attempting to overcome
my tendency to be a selective and self-absorbed listener. I had a propensity to
interrupt my speaker. I tried to utilize concentration techniques from our text such
as stop, look and listen. I used focusing strategies described in our text such as
minimizing distraction and self-talk. I ran into a few obstacles during this process.
The two most difficult problems I ran into were interrupting others by finishing their
sentences, and trying to refrain from doing multiple things rather than listening.
When I started implementing my new listening strategies, I had to constantly
remind myself to stop, look and listen, or to put down my phone, or to turn off my
self-talk and focus on the speaker. While I have not fully overcome my unwanted
communication pattern, I am more aware of the behavior when I am
communicating. Going forward, I plan to continue to mitigate my unfavorable
listening habits, apply and utilize the communication strategies that I have learned
in this class.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

As a communicator, I am typically not a conversational narcissist, this

someone who tailors conversations around themselves and his/her personal
agendas rather than the needs of others (Bebee 7e. p 127). However, I do have a
tendency to selectively listen to conversations. Being a selective listener causes
me to hear what I want to hear in a conversation by allowing my pre-formed biases,
prejudices, expectations and stereotypes over shadow what the speaker actually
said (Bebee 7e. p127). I am also a self-absorbed listener, meaning I am actively
involved in doing several things other than listening and have a tendency to
interrupt others (Bebee 7e. p 128).
In daily communication with my supervisor, she immediately starts digging
into her drama for the day before I am able to put my personal effects down at my
desk and clock in each day. Typically I would continue to get settled at my desk
while she dwells on about what problem she is faced with that day. While she is
talking I would log into my computer, clock in, open my email, check my phone, text
my boyfriend and finally focus on what she was saying. While my supervisor is a
conversational narcissist, my own behavior did not convey that I was remotely
interested in hearing what she had to say before I was ready to start my day. While

she continued to talk, I would engage in self-talk, asking what life altering issue this
story was going to lead to, what she was hoping to get out of this conversation, or if
she just had not talked to anyone for the last twelve hours. This self-absorbed
behavior of mine was not actually focusing on what she was saying, and I allowed
my pre-formed ideas to distract myself from something that she said that could
have been potentially important. Lastly, I would get irritated with Anns long drawn
out stories and start to finish her sentences. I did this in an attempt to help her
move the story along before I lost patience, and also because she would
occasionally get stuck on a word or thought she was trying to finish.
When communicating with my boyfriend, I am usually multitasking- cooking
or prepping meals, folding laundry, helping with homework, putting dishes away.
Doing any number of these things caused Ben to feel as if whatever he was saying
to me was less important than what I was doing at the time. In my head, again I
would try to summarize what my boyfriend was trying to convey to me and what
problem I needed to solve. I interrupted him frequently trying to summarize and get
to the point of his story more quickly, causing him to lose track of what he was
saying, making him feel inferior and unimportant. By engaging in this selective
listening process and multitasking I was only trying to figure out what I could get
out of the conversation rather than seeing what Ben was trying to communicate to
me, and what he needed to get out of the conversation. I did not realize how these
behaviors were causing communication breakdowns, misunderstandings and hurt
feelings to manifest in our relationship.

Strategies

I employed the following communication and listening strategies from our book to
help me to work toward achieving my personal change goal:
1

I utilized the suggestion for our text to throttle up [my] powers concentration
when I find [my] internal messages distracting [me] from listening well
(Bebee 7e. p 128).
I implemented the Stop, Look and Listen method described in our text to
improve my comprehension skills.
a Stop- I stopped attending to my off-topic self-talk that distracted me
from being a good listener and providing the speaker with my
undivided attention (Bebee 7e. p 131).
b Look-I endeavored to accurately interpret the nonverbal messages and
attend to the metacommunication the speaker was expressing (Bebee
7e. p132)
c Listen- I attempted to not interrupt while listening to the speaker,
responded and provided appropriate verbal and nonverbal
communication, and appropriately contributed to the conversations
after allowing myself time to analyze and understand what the
speaker was trying to communicate.

I tried to enact the following behaviors that have been identified and
associated with good listeners in research studies from our text (Bebee 7e
p131):
a I put my own thoughts aside prior to engaging in conversations with
others.
b I practiced being mentally and physically present in the conversation,
including eliminating distractions from internal (my own thoughts) and
external stimuli (my cellphone, ambient noises, other people, etc.).
c I made mindful, conscious efforts to listen to what the speaker had to
say, and not be selective in what I want to hear from the message.
d I took adequate time to listen, do not rush the speaker and be patient.
e I reminded myself to remain open-minded, and to not pre-diagnose or
judge the situation the speaker was trying to convey.

Constraints

I had hoped that by consciously making an effort to enact each of the

abovementioned strategies and recommended approaches from our text to improve
my listening comprehension skills. I have become a less selective and self-absorbed
listener, but I struggled most with interrupting the speaker and eliminating
distractions both internally and externally. My greatest internal struggle was trying
to eliminate myself talk in trying to avoid pre-determining what the speaker was
conveying. The most distracting external interference came from my cellphone,
which did not surprise me. When communicating with my co-workers at work, I had
to remind myself to stop working to focus on what he or she was saying. I also had
to refrain from checking my cellphone when it would buzz while I was
communicating with my co-workers. Part of this compulsion was difficult for me to
overcome and not feel guilty about because I knew that my boyfriend would think
that I was ignoring him or off doing some other behavior (other than working) that
would trigger his past relational insecurities. I felt like I constantly had to remind
myself to no interrupt the speaker, to take that extra few seconds and summarize
what he or she was saying. Prior to this personal change project, I did not think that
finishing someones sentence was the same as interrupting him or her. I also did not
know that it could be misconstrued negatively and condescendingly. Furthermore, I
was never aware of how distracting my behavior was and how it caused the
speakers thoughts to become disrupted, and causing the speaker to rushed and
hurried. This caused my boyfriend to feel like I was uninterested in conversing with
him, and that I was self-important rather than being concerned in what he had to
say. Avoiding interrupting and summarizing the conversation in appropriately out
loud during the conversation was the most difficult behavior for me to mitigate.

Implementation

I started implementing these changes on February 14, 2016. I endeavored to

use my newly attained communication and listening skills primarily with my
boyfriend, although I found that applying these skills was most difficult to
implement with my co-workers. I asked my boyfriend to actively and frequently give

me feedback on whether or not I am fulfilling my personal change goal, especially

when it came to interrupting him and being distracted during our communication. In
the beginning he was no holds bar about helping me to realize when I was
interrupting him, or was externally distracted.
I found myself consciously having to remind myself to stop what I was doing,
look at the speaker, and listen without distractions. My cellphone at work was my
greatest distraction because my boyfriend would text me and I would feel the need
to stop the conversation I was having with my co-worker in order to attend to my
partners needs. Throughout this process, I had a difficult time not being selfabsorbed and pre-diagnosing conversations with one of my co-workers who turns
everyday events into a crisis (Bebee 7e. p 131-132). During conversations with this
co-worker, who is actually my supervisor, I had to repeatedly remember to
concentrate on what she was saying, and to use the extra processing time I had to
summarize what she was saying rather than interrupting her when she would
ramble on (Bebee 7e. p 131).
On the contrary, with my boyfriend, I found it easier to give him my undivided
attention, focus on what he was trying to convey, and respond with a summary of
what I felt he was trying to communicate to me. At home, it was easy to put my
phone down, out of the way, or out of the room when Ben and I were trying to
communicate.
These skills were also invaluable when I was communicating with my
significant others eight year-old daughter. By giving her my undivided attention and
summarizing what she said to me we were able to have more in depth and crucial
communication about uncomfortable topics that she may have been previously
hesitant to talk about (Bebee 7e. p 128).
When eliminating my self-talk, I endeavored to really concentrate on what the
speakers was saying no matter how meaningless I may have previously pre-judged
the conversation to be. The hardest obstacle for me to overcome was unconsciously
interrupting the speaker. I previously thought that I was helping the speaker by
finishing their sentences for them, I was not entirely aware of how rude and
distracting that behavior was. As our text points out, many times the interrupting
behavior and impatiently finishing the speakers sentences occurs due to a
difference in speech to thought processing ratio. Rather than interrupting the
speaker and derailing him or her, I utilized that time to recap what the speaker was
saying in my head, maintained eye contact and nodded where appropriate to signify
that I understood and was following what the speaker was saying. When the
opportunity presented itself I would summarize what I felt he or she was conveying
to me (Bebee 7e. p 132).

Results

This project has opened my eyes and enabled me to have better overall level
of communication with my significant, his daughter, and my co-workers. By
remembering to remove internal and external distractions I was able to focus and
provide the speaker with my undivided attention. Mitigating my self-talk and prejudging what the speaker was communicating to me allowed me to fully understand
what he or she was saying, and thereby becoming more aware of his or her needs. I
found that when I was initially starting the project it seemed very overwhelming to
remember all of the behaviors I was trying to stop doing. With time and practice it
became easier and less cumbersome to remember to stop, look and listen; or to
minimize my self-talk and pre-determinations of what the speaker was wanting out
of the conversation. The most difficult obstacle for me to overcome, as I said
previously, was interrupting the speaker, or as I saw it helping them to finish their
sentence. My boyfriend perceived my behavior as if I were inferring that he was too
incompetent to know what words to use to finish the sentence or thought. I never
realized that my interrupting behavior could have been inferred in a negative
pompous manner. By practicing and managing my speech to thought rate and
summarizing what I have heard from the speaker, has been the most effective way
for me to lessen my interrupting behavior. With time it became easier for me to
consciously remind myself to stop what I was doing and quiet myself talk prior to
engaging the speaker in conversation.
Improving communication with my boyfriend was my primary motivation for
this personal change project, any enhancement in our communication would have
been a step in the right direction in helping us to understand each other and fulfill
each others needs. Utilizing these skills with my co-workers, supervisor, family, and
my stepdaughter is icing on the cake.

Recommendations

While I have by no means conquered my goal of overcoming my selfabsorbed, selective, and interruptive listening behavior. I do feel that this project
and this communication course have provided me with the proper tools to carry on
working on this goal. Going forward, I will continue to slow down, take the time to
listen undistractedly to the speaker. I will remind myself to quiet my inner thoughts,
and remove external distractions, namely my cellphone. With practice I think it will
become second nature to not pre-judge or diagnose what the speaker is saying or
the situation he or she is trying to portray. Most of all, I will continually seek to
summarize what I am hearing from the speaker, respond properly with non-verbal
communication, and respond here appropriate. Lastly, I will work hardest on my
interrupting behavior. While I previously thought that this behavior was aiding the
speaker, I have learned that this behavior can derail the speaker. He or she can
forget his/ her train of thought, or worse, feel as if I am demeaning and undermining
his or her intelligence. This project has opened my eyes to how my listening and
communication behavior was completely self-absorbed, distracting, rude, and

ultimately the complete opposite of being other oriented. Being aware of my

internal thoughts, outward behavior, distractions I will help me to continuously
improve upon my personal change goal of not being a self-absorbed, selective and
interruptive listener and communicator. This project has improved communication
with my family, friends, co-workers, and significant other. I hope that implementing
these skills on an ongoing basis will help me to become a better other-oriented
communicator, and to improve my interpersonal relationships in the process.

Work Cited

Beebe, Steven A, Beebe, Susan J, Redmond, Mark V. (2014) Interpersonal Communication: Relating to
Others. Boston: Pearson [Allyn & Bacon]