COMM-2110-001-SP16

Submitted to Jodie Jones

RELATIONAL CHANGE
PROJECT
By Sara H. Barratt

Sara Barratt
COMM-2110-001-Sp16
Relational Change Project
May 1, 2016

This paper outlines my personal change project. My goal was to better my

communications skills specifically with my husband. I wanted to work on selecting my words
more wisely to convey a message once, and avoid being repetitive. Along the way I learned that
there was a second aspect of communication that also needed to be worked on, and that was
listening. I applied several strategies from the text for my personal change project, including
improving my overall verbal communication skills, the power of words, and listening styles.
During this project I became much more aware of my bad communication habits and I have been
able to see how they were effecting communication with my husband. As a result of the project,
I have noticed a large improvement with how my husband and I communicate. While I did see
amazing results from my efforts, there are still a lot of improvements that can be made. My
future goal is to keep working on using my words wisely and continuing to further understand
my husbands listening styles to make communicating with him as effective and easy as possible.
Unwanted Communication Pattern
I have a very bad habit of being repetitive as well as over explain myself when having
conversations with my husband, Brett. I think I do this because I want to make sure my point is
being clearly conveyed as well as understood. I also have a tendency to interrupt him sometimes
when he is speaking, not so much out of rudeness, but I get overly excited to speak. I tend to

start thinking about what I am going to say next, and I forgot to listen. When I began this project
it was such a bad habit that I didnt even realize I was doing it until it was pointed out to me.
A great example is when Brett and I were in the process of planning our wedding. We
were trying to pick out the location for the wedding and we had two venues that we liked best.
After I gave Brett a lengthy explanation as to why I liked each venue, I proceeded to list the pros
and cons of each location, and then I felt the need to restate why I liked each venue. Since we all
know how much men love planning weddings in the first place, it was safe to say Brett began to
get a bit frustrated with how lengthy the conversation was becoming. As I now know, Brett is a
task oriented listener. My lengthy explanation as to why each venue was a good option was
irritating him, and he was having a hard time following what I was saying. As a task oriented
listener, he just wanted the cold hard facts.
The conversation then went from bad to worse. Brett tried to give me his feedback, and I
would interrupt him. I didnt even realize I was doing it until has politely asked me to let him
speak. I honestly cant tell you what he said when he was speaking, because my mind was
racing with thoughts and ideas of my own. The conversation ended with Brett being very
agitated. He wanted to know why I even asked his opinion when I wasnt going to listen to it. In
the end, this conversation was a complete waste of time and was very ineffective.
Another situation in which this pattern of communication proved to completely
ineffective was one time I asked Brett to do the grocery shopping without me. I was on the
phone with him telling him everything he needed get, and I was being repetitive as ever. Instead
of just asking him to repeat back to me (paraphrase) what he needed to pick up, I chose to repeat
the list to him several times. When I finally gave him a chance to speak he was a bit annoyed

and asked Is that it? I guess I didnt realize at the time that there are much more effective ways
to make sure what you said has been understood than repeating yourself four times.
In both of these situations I failed horribly at being an effective communicator. The main
issue was that I failed to recognize Bretts task oriented listening style, which resulted in him
getting frustrated and the conversations being less productive than they could have been. I also
should have chosen my words more carefully, and conveyed my messages just once.

Strategies

When I chose this particular communication issue to focus on for this project, I selected
several areas to focus on in my day to day conversations with my husband. When I started this
project I thought that my use of words was the biggest issue, but I quickly realized that listening
skills played a huge part in the problem as well. I employed the use of several communication
strategies to help me improve my skills and help me replace the bad habits with good habits.
The first strategy I felt would help me break my bad habits was to improve my overall
verbal communication skills (Beebe, 2014, p. 155-183). One of my worst habits is I am
repetitive. The idea here is if I can make a habit out of using the most direct and effective
words, then I will not have to repeat myself. I will focus on effectively conveying a message just
once to my husband, Brett, by efficiently choosing my words better. One specific area I want to
focus on is to better understand the power of words and how to better use them when
communicating with Brett (Beebe, 2014, p. 160-164). As stated in our text by Beebe, Beebe and
Redmond, We use language in ways that are both powerful and powerless. When we use
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powerless speech, we are less persuasive and have less influence on the actions of others
(Beebe, Pg. 161). If I can focus directly on the powerful language and eliminate the powerless
language, than I can eliminate the need to be redundant.
The second strategy I felt would be very helpful to me is to learn more about listening
styles (Beebe, 2014, p. 123-125). I quickly realized once this project began that the issue was
only half about what I was saying, and more about how I was saying it. The concept of listening
styles was new to me, and was applicable to this project in so many ways. In our text, Beebe,
Beebe and Redmond list three reasons learning about your own listening style as well as others
listening styles can be beneficial. The first reason given was that knowing your own listening
style can help you adapt and adjust to the listening situation. Second, its important to
understand that you or others may use more than one listening style depending on the situation.
And lastly, its important to be aware of others listening styles so you can communicate with
messages they are more likely to listen to (Beebe, Pg. 124-125). This strategy opened up a
whole new aspect to this project, and was the most beneficial to me through out.
The third strategy I chose to use was to improve my own listening comprehension skills
(Beebe, 2014, p. 131-132). As I mentioned earlier, sometimes I am so busy with my own
thoughts that I forget to listen as well as I should. This strategy had three main parts that were
very useful. The first way to improve was to stop the internal self-focused messages that may
distract me from listening. Here are the five steps listed in our text by Beebe, Beebe and
Redmond:

Put your own thoughts aside.

Be there mentally as well as physically.

Make a conscious, mindful effort to listen.

Take adequate time to listen; dont rush the speaker; be patient.

Be open mined

The second way to improve was to look and pay better attention to nonverbal communication
and body language. Beebe, Beebe and Redmond said, Nonverbal messages are powerful. As
the primary ways we communicate feelings, emotions and attitudes, they play a major role in the
total communication process, particularly in the development of relationships (Beebe, p. 132).
The third way to improve was to listnen. Here are the three steps that are used by effective
listeners as listed in our text by Beebe, Beebe and Redmond:

They just listen they do not interrupt

Respond appropriately and provide feedback both appropriate verbal feedback and
nonverbal feedback

Appropriately contribute to the conversation

These three steps will help me to be a better listener, and they will also help to break my bad
habit of occasionally interrupting other people when they are speaking.
The last strategy I found helpful was accurately paraphrasing (Beebe, 2014, p. 142).
According to Beebe, Beebe and Redmond, paraphrasing is the verbal summary of the key ideas

of your partners message that helps you check the accuracy of your understanding. I found this
strategy especially effective when I would ask Brett to paraphrase back what I had just said to
him. It helped me to know that my message had been received, and it made it so I did not need
to repeat myself. I also like to paraphrase things that Brett says to me to make sure I am
understanding him completely.

Constraints
While I was mostly successful with my efforts to change my bad communication habits, I
did run into two constraints. The first constraint I ran into was simply relapsing back into my
bad behavior from time to time. Habits take time to break, and it was only human nature to
revert back to my old ways ocassionally. The second constraint I ran into was while I was
making a huge effort to adapt to my husbands listening styles, I became fairly frustrated that he
hasnt adapted and learned about my listening styles (in his defense, I have only mentioned this
to him once, and he said he would be happy to try, it just hasnt happened yet). This would be a
much smoother journey if it was a two-way road, and I didnt feel like I was the only trying to
adapt.
Implementation
In trying to change my bad communication behavior, I have been able to successfully
implement some major changes in myself. The first major changes I made was to use words
more effectively, and to reduce repetition. Simply by making myself aware of the issue, I was
able to reduce the habit by about 50%! Being repetitive was such a bad habit for me that I had no

idea that I did it, so just by bringing it to my own awareness was I able to reduce the habit. I
have run into one constraint with this where I will relapse from time to time. It seems to happen
when Im not thinking about it, and fall back into my old redundant ways. Usually I catch
myself, or Brett will gently remind me to avoid the behavior. It has been difficult to completely
avoid a habit that was almost second nature to me for years, so trying to eliminate the behavior
has been challenging. I also now make an effort to use powerful words versus powerless words,
and I try to maintain the thought process of less is more when speaking to Brett as this
accommodates his task oriented listening style best.
The second major change I made was learning to adapt and accommodate to Bretts
listening style. I use a relational listening style most of the time (with the exception being when
I am at work, where I use a task oriented listening style) where Brett on the other hand uses the
task oriented style of listening the majority of the time, with glimpses of an analytical listener
showing up every now and then. A task oriented listener is someone who looks at the overall
structure of a message to see what action needs to be taken, and they prefer efficient, clear and
brief messages (Beebe, pg. 124). When we first started dating I would be talking to Brett and I
would get my feelings hurt because he would start to lose interest in my very elaborate stories
once they started taking too long. I learned pretty quickly that I had to keep my thoughts short
and sweet with Brett, or I would lose his attention (Beebe, pg. 123-124). By understanding that
this was simply how Brett listens, it helped me to adapt and better communicate with him. The
only constraint I ran into with this change was that I got a bit frustrated that I am the only one
adapting to the others listening style. I would really appreciate if he could learn more about my
listening style so he can better communicate with me as well. Brett and I have spoken about it
and he is very willing to learn more as a future goal.

The third change I have made is that I am working very hard to improve my listening
comprehension skills. I didnt realize that my listening skills were definitely part of my bad
behavior until just recently when Brett pointed out multiple examples. I would ask him a simple
question like do you have any homework tonight? and he would respond to me and I would act
like I was listening to his response. However, about an hour later I would ask the same
questions, then become annoyed with him for telling me I already asked that. I honestly thought
I was a fantastic listener until I took this class, but I now see so much room for improvement. To
improve this behavior, I have been using the three simple steps of stop, look and listen. With
Stop, I need to turn off my inner noise and dialog and I need to be present in the conversation at
hand. With look I need to pay attention to the non-verbal messages that are being sent. Last but
not least I need to listen. I need to listen without interrupting (which I tend to do when I am
passionate or excited about the conversation taking place), respond appropriately and provide
feedback, ask questions and paraphrase the emotions being expressed (Beebe, 2014, p. 131-132).

Results
The results I have seen from this change in my communication style have been very eye
opening and mostly positive. I think one of the biggest surprises I encountered was that I
initially thought my use of words was the biggest issue, when actually the larger issue had to do
with listening. Going into this project I did not foresee so many changes would be needed in that
area, and that it would take so much work to break the bad behaviors. Upon implementing the
use of listening styles, I was very pleased and excited about how much communication between
Brett and I improved. I felt as though I was finally speaking the same language as him and I was
finally able to really get through to him efficiently. All and all, the changes that have been made

have been very beneficial. Through the improvements I have been able to make with both my
verbal, nonverbal and listening skills, I feel as though I have become a much more effective
communicator.
The only negative aspect of this whole project was that I felt a bit like I shouldnt be the
only one in the relationship that understands how the other one listens. This project made me
really want Brett to invest some time into learning about my listening style as well, so we can
both be on the same page and I dont feel like Im always adapting to him without reciprocation.
Recommendations
I plan to continue to implement these strategies in my communication, because they have
been very successful thus so far. Specifically, I plan to continue to better my listening skills in
every way, as well as continue to learn more about Bretts listening style. I plan to share some
information with Brett about my listening style and his own, because I think it will be mutually
beneficial for our communication as a married couple. In my opinion the more we understand
each other the better! As mentioned in our text, understanding listening styles is important
because knowing your own listening style can help you adapt and adjust to the listening
situation, its important to understand that you or others may use more than one listening style
depending on the situation, and its important to be aware of others listening styles so you can
communicate with messages they are more likely to listen to (Beebe, Pg. 124-125). I have also
asked Brett to continue to help and remind me when I fall back into my old behavioral habits,
and to assist me to continue to improve as much as possible.

Reference
Beebe, S.A., Beebe, S.A, & Redmond, M.V. (2014). Interpersonal communication:
Relating to Others, Upper Saddle, NJ: Pearson.

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