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Not a year ago, I had freedom and happiness. Adorned in khakis, a nice
light blue button-up, and a blunt in my lips, peeking through a second-story
window at the moon, I was thankful. Thankful for the brick walls, the smoke, and
the light I inherited. Thankful for the relative ease at which I had bore out of
Ranchview High School the previous Thursday, out of the punitive purgatory of
absence makeup.
The world was not kind, no, never kind to my kind, the cis white sixteenyear-old who inherited that moon. But I had made it somehow, isolated in that
smokey room, divided from my peers. Floating through life is easy when you are
born and bred a consumer.
But my aspirations were beyond what I knew then, beyond the carefully
claustrophobic brick walls that kept the space where my clearest thoughts could
be heard by me alone. I did not know my aspirations yet, or of the complacency I
would have to fight to reveal the true, deadly dangers of idealism. At this point,
still a boy, still a child, my pockets were fat with the wad of twenty dollar bills I had
procured from the ATM to purchase that blunt. Ignorance was bliss, and that bliss
was enforced by the six hours I had indulged the 42-inch LCD and the copy of the
latest Call of Duty.
In that six hours, there were ten or so settings I phased through. The gold
mines in Africa, a small village in Morocco, the scenes one might see scrolling
through 24-hour news stations. I shot rockets into that town, I took down the
poppy farmers, all forty of them. I liked it, it made me feel powerful. The power I
lacked as a consumer, I made up for in the destruction of the enemy. And who
was my enemy? Was it the militia man running around with a purple rifle, firing
full-auto indiscriminately? No, it was the virtual manifestation of other
suburbanites, firing indiscriminately, other consumers, just like me, fighting for
that same power. I spent six hours that day killing different versions of myself,
getting a break after 75 virtual lives had been taken, only to restart five minutes
later.