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Published by: CanadianLight on Nov 06, 2010
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From: Editor Rockwell
To: Blumert

These are dangerous times. Since it’s an election year, every-
body’s military record is being examined with a fine-tooth comb.

52— Bagels,Barry Bonds,and Rotten Politicians

“There are questions about your commitment to liberty,


“It’s time to come clean. And don’t tell me again that your
records were lost in the San Francisco earthquake.

“You’ve given us different versions about your military


“Once, you dazzled a group of young libertarian women
with an absurd tale about being America’s ace fighter pilot dur-
ing the Korean War.

“That you’d shot down 15 MIGs and reached the rank of
Major General upon retiring. (For your information, the women
weren’t dazzled. They were nauseated.)

“I also recall, during a discussion about John McCain, you
had to outdo his epic tale by recounting your experience in Korea.
You told the group you were a POW for NINE years, finally
released in a trade for a Russian ballerina who had defected to the
West. (It was later learned she was a female impersonator.)

“I want the truth, Blumert. I expect an immediate


From: Blumert
To: Editor Rockwell

“All right, I admit it. Some of those reports of my being an
Air Force ace, shooting down 15 Russian MIGS are greatly

“Actually, the closest I ever came to combat during the
Korean War was getting airsick in an Air Force Transport and
barfing all over the pilot’s dress uniform carefully folded on the
seat next to me.

“It required all my negotiating skills to survive that close


Burton S.Blumert — 53

“Before finally winding up in Air Force blue, like all other
thinking cowards, including Dick Cheney, I did everything to
avoid the draft.

“Dick Cheney’s five deferments are chicken feed. I had at
least eight. The first seven were related to student deferments.

“Then, disaster. The rules changed. The only deferments
left were for war related research, like PhDs working on Hydro-
gen Bombs.

“I had run out of options. It was like waiting for the execu-
tioner to beckon. Korea, here I come.

“Then, a glimmer of hope.

“Get a job in a factory doing war-related things,” some
unremembered faceless fellow said. “This can get you out of the
draft and it won’t cost you much.”

“Details are blurry and I don’t recall the price, but I have a
faded recollection of depositing money in somebody’s Swiss
Bank account. My next image is of sitting in a windowless inter-
view room in a Long Island City factory.

“I later learned that they produced pretty little precision
objects that made bombs more deadly.

“Management consisted of seven ex-Nazi tool and die mak-
ers. After five minutes with me it was clear that I had to be kept
away from any task that required dexterity, or tool and die mak-
ing skills.

“There’s only one job here for you, Blumert,” SS Officer
Schmidt said, “Cutting the aluminum bricks, that’s your job. An
average person can cut six bricks in a day. You might do four.”

“It took three days, six band saws and a gallon of cooling
fluid to produce my first (and last) cut brick. All of a sudden,
combat in Korea seemed less horrible than another day at the
band saw.

54— Bagels,Barry Bonds,and Rotten Politicians

“There must be some way other than the band saw to avoid

the draft?

“Yes, flunk the pre-induction medical and get the magical

‘4-F’ status.

“The setting for this medieval ritual was a cavernous stone
building on Whitehall Street on Lower Manhattan, clearly built
for earlier wars. Hundreds of thousands of shivering American
kids in their skivvies were herded through the drafty old facil-
ity during WWII—and those with a sense of irony were later
able to make the experience part of a comedy routine.

Nobody was spared the indignities.

“Bend over,” the rear-end doctor ordered.

“Do you like girls?” the psychiatrist inquired.

“Can you see the eye chart on the wall?” If you located the
wall, this doc was satisfied.

The doc in search of hernias said, “Cough, but not on me.”

“I didn’t get the cherished ‘4-F’” rating, but had they
awarded a 3-E status, I might have come close. But, you know
the old bromide—‘close’ only counts in horseshoes.

“I was resigned to my fate: Korea here I come. Only divine
intervention could save me now.

“I don’t know if the US Air Force qualifies as an agent for
divine intervention, but they came to the rescue.

“During the Korean War, the Air Force was having a tough
time acquiring and keeping pilots. No surprise. Some func-
tionary at ‘military intelligence’ decided that if the enlistment
period were cut from four to two years they would net more vol-

“Well, they netted one more, me, Blumert.

Burton S.Blumert — 55

“The prospect of serving in the Air Force for two years
instead of being killed or maimed on a desolate Korean moun-
tainside was irresistible.

“The draft board was indifferent. Air Force/Army, it was all the
same to them. ‘Go to the Air Force, my son, with our blessings.’
Maybe those weren’t the exact words, but I was off to Basic
Training and Aviation Cadet school.

“This is the end of Part I.”

Part II will reveal Blumert as a glamorous Aviation Cadet.

You will learn that he was the only Cadet in his class who
didn’t know how to drive a car. (The other Cadets could disas-
semble and assemble a motorcycle in two hours.)

You will get the details when, Blumert, wearing Air Force
Blue, almost won $16,000 on a popular TV Quiz Show.

You will be fascinated (yawn) learning of other notable inci-
dents in Blumert’s Air Force career.

“Finally, Editor Rockwell, I trust that making this informa-
tion public will put those ugly rumors to bed, once and for all.

(“I’m having some difficulty locating the negatives of those
horrid photographs that keep popping up on the Internet. I
assure you, they have all been digitally altered.”)

May 3,2004

56— Bagels,Barry Bonds,and Rotten Politicians

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