(Untitled_)

Your Name (Cont.)

Present Date

Warning: Written by a Teenager with

no perception of the real world:
One page waste of paper.
Points of Interest:
Introduction after finished

I guess in the end this is the best

way to write an introduction, after
everything is done. I doubt that this
will ever be completely finished; I will
keep adding bits and pieces of stuff
into this. For now though this is a nice
nail to put in it.

I think now that the main reason I

wrote this was because I wanted to make
sure I was human. I am by the way.

The reason this book is for you is

so you can have those moments of
connection and misunderstanding.

We all do the same things sometimes.

That's what makes us human.

We also do things no on else can

possibly comprehend doing or wanting to
do.

That's what makes us human.

To Quote my favorite movie.

“Super man is not brave. You don't

understand. He's smart, handsome, and
even decent, but he's not brave. Super
man is indestructible and you can't be
brave if your indestructible. It's
people like you, people who are
different and can be crushed and know
it. Yet they keep going out there every
day. It's people like you that are
brave.”

What I'm trying to say is don't turn

these next pages if your superman,
because this is not for you.

This is for people who want to

understand one more human being just a
little more than they did before or ever
did in the first place.

This is my manual.

There is no other language to read

it in. You need to read this to
understand how to put me together, and
trust me – there are no extra parts not
even one washer.
 Sometimes we do things that we think
are different. That we think no one has
done before. We feel better for doing
them but often throw them away, run out
of steam or realize that the things we
were so proud of has been done thousands
of times before. This is mine, and I
want to share it instead.
Part One.One.One

The cover of this book is yellow.

I've found that yellow is probably the
best color for books. Most of my
favorites are that color so that's all
the proof I really need. This book will
never be published. Probably passed
around to friends and laughed at because
some poor and bored person felt like
writing.

Music is the soundtrack to my life.

That doesn't seem to make sense because
what else could make up a soundtrack
than music? My brain doesn't really seem
to work that well these days. Music
seems to be able to solve any problem.
No matter what mood you're in the radio
can find a song suitable. All of this
sounded so much better in my head but
most things do.
 Grammar and spelling are power
rangers to my badly designed evil
monster costume. To prove my point, I
just tried to spell grammar ten times as
grammer and didn't know why the damn red
line kept showing up. Spell check is my
savior. I don't really know what else to
write in this I can't decide what to
write about.

I'm just a tad shy and not sure if I

want to go with my original idea. Off
topic but sometimes I wonder how black
my lungs are.

As I think about this now I wonder

why anyone would want to read this. Not
because I doubt myself and think this is
a waste of time, but because you don't
know me. If you continue on the next
page and then next page and so on you
will understand who I am. Or rather what
I am not.

This is for people who wonder about

what makes other people tick. These are
my cogs. This is my big key you stick in
my back to make me go. This is me. If
you would like to understand someone
more than you should for never meeting
them then please continue.
Points of Interest:

The Body:
The Brain.

Brains can be extremely complex. For

example, the human brain contains
roughly 100 billion neurons, each linked
to as many as 10,000 other neurons. I
think my wiring is way too fucked up to
be fixed. I took pills for it once, I
went to therapy for it once, I tried to
write a journal for it once, I tried to
ignore it, once I even tried to get it
out of my head. Is that a run on?
(Question mark)

Sometimes I can't control it no

matter how hard I try. Images seem to
get burnt into my brain, well not so
much images but rather ideas or motions.
Of objects and other things I don't wish
to mention. If I was in a car as a
little kid I would look outside of the
car and would imagine someone on a
snowmobile or a skateboard. They would
be going along with the car going off
the hills and cliffs like jumps. After
awhile I couldn't look away.
 If I closed my eyes it would be in
my head. My eyelids became projection
screens for my mind.

This doesn't seem like much but this

would go on for weeks. I wouldn't hear
people talk to me, I wouldn't really
know where I was. I was scared. I had to
try and think of something else to get
it out of my head. It seems like it
would be easy enough I mean it is my
imagination.

A bad electrician snuck into my head

one night to try and fix it. He was lazy
and fucked up the wires. Tried to reboot
it and broke the off switch. No worries
my check bounced anyway I was fourteen.

I went to see the electrician every

once and a while after that but he never
could seem to get all the blues wires
with the blue, green with the green,
yellow with the yellow, macaroni and
cheese with the macaroni and cheese.
(It's a color.) The electrician wasn't
bad at his job he just seemed to think I
messed up the wires on purpose. I don't
go there anymore.
 As I got older my mind did more
weird things. I'd sometimes try to see
if I could count in my head while saying
the alphabet and reciting our elementary
school song. Then while I was doing all
of that I would begin to ask myself
inside my head if I was crazy for doing
this, and another voice would wonder if
I was crazy for asking if I was crazy,
and another voice would start to get mad
because it couldn't hear the
other ones saying the alphabet and
counting and singing.

Then the others would get mad at him

and that would wake up more.

I used to hide in the bathroom a lot

just until I could hear again. The
voices went away but most of the time I
couldn't hear over my heart after they
left.

Something that always seemed to help

me was looking at the tiles in the
bathroom. I could sometimes find faces
or patterns in the tiles. Sometimes it
was just enough to calm my mind down so
it would stop arguing with itself and
just look at the designs. Needless to
say I was a big bathroom fan.
 As I grew older my mind took on a
different take on life. I learned about
life and death. It was always in my
life. I had dogs and cats that had to be
put down but never someone, a person, a
human something in my life. Once that
finally happened I began to think about
what life would be like without other
people in my life.

I would imagine their funerals and

what I might say if I had to talk at
their wake. How I would feel, if I'd
cry.

I would never cry though and that

made me feel even worse.

I always had the perfect and most

beautiful words to express what they
meant to me. Would that scare you? It
scared me so much I wasn't sure what to
do. It would pop into my head and
without me controlling it I would think
of it. I've never told anyone that I
guess it's easier because I don't have
to see your face while you read this.
 I wanted to write a paragraph here
about how I found a cure and I was going
to say it's music. That's not really
true and I'm trying to stay as truthful
as possible in this. Music helps and so
do friends, but it's never gone away.
I'm actually doing it right now. It's
not so much self doubt about why I'm
writing this but more of the fact that I
don't know where this is going.

I'm having a conversation in my head

with the friend I'll give this to so
they can read it and tell me if it's any
good. It isn't just a slight
conversation. I take on that persons
personality and my inner self will
become them. I'm having a fight with
myself about how stupid this damn thing
is and how I just make up problems for
myself.

I've been told that most of my life.

It's just me and I make it up. I hope
not because that just makes me crazier
than I actually am.
 It's gotten worse enough that I'd
close my eyes sometimes and think about
the snowmobile or skateboard again just
to think about that for a week so I can
stop fighting with myself. Someday it
will go away. That's what the bottle the
pills came in said, and that's what the
electrician said.

The pills ran out though. The

electrician never had enough time or
wire to fix it. The one time I tried to
fix it made me have to go to a different
electrician about a totally different
circuit. Until then I always have my
backup plan:

Pretending to smile and be goofy.

That doesn't help but it is what I'm
good at.
//The Heart.

The average human heart beating

at 72 BPM, will beat approximately 2.5
billion times during a lifetime spanning
66 years. Have you ever seen a human
heart? Well not in real life but I mean
a picture of it. It's nothing like what
we make them out to be. We got the color
right it's red. I'd like to meet the
person who thought of the shape of the
stereotypical heart because they got it
very wrong.

I once had a crush on a girl in the

fifth grade. I drew her a picture of a
heart on a piece of graph paper. I made
it into a maze and instead of start and
finish I wrote you and me. I was very
proud of myself it was quite romantic
for me at the time. I guess what I'm
saying is; I'm glad I didn't know what a
real heart looked like because that
would have been really hard to draw on a
piece of graph paper.
 Why the heart is clumped in with
love has always confused me. Love is
mental and somewhat physical but nothing
to include the heart. Sometimes your
heart flutters if you see someone you
like or in this case love. Have you ever
wondered if it does that just because we
have been conditioned to think that it
has to do that? I'm not trying to make
any waves but it doesn't make much sense
for it to do that does it?

I don't like the saying broken

heart. I'm not sure why. It just leaves
a bitter taste in my mouth. Maybe
because mines been “broken” a few times
before. You'd think though if you break
something enough times it doesn't really
ever fit back together the way it did
when you got it. I really don't like
this paragraph. Just because I don't
know where I was trying to go with it
and it's just lost now. It can stay that
way.
 Maybe I don't like the saying
because it can be used so differently.
One person getting their heart broken
can be completely different than someone
else. That's the way with a lot of this
though so I guess it's not really fair
of me to not like the saying.

The heart is amazing though it

really is. Its something we all have no
matter how evil some people may be.
Don't believe me. Turn to the person
next to you and just listen to it,
better yet find your mortal enemy and
listen to theirs they have one to. It
may be tiny so turn off all your
electrical devices first so you can hear
it, but its there trust me.

Have you ever heard it in your ears

before?

I meant your own.

Heart.
 You know they have plastic hearts
now? There trying them out for heart
transplants to help us live longer. I
wonder would they still flutter? I
wonder would they still ache? That's not
a deep question or anything I really
would like to know. That might prove my
theory correct. If you know anyone with
one please contact me.

Sometimes I breathe real slow and

concentrate real hard so I can hear it.
It beats slow and loud. It's nice to
know its there, even if it has a lot of
stitches in it. Ma-Ti was always my
favorite you know. (If you don't
understand that last sentence please put
this down now and go watch every episode
of captain planet. Have you had a
feeling like you where missing out on
something in you life? Well we just
figured it out. Glad I could help.)
```` The Limbs.

In the human body, the upper and

lower limbs are commonly called the arms
and the legs. Human legs and feet are
specialized for two-legged locomotion
most other mammals walk and run on all
four limbs blah blah blah. Human arms
are weaker, but very mobile allowing us
to reach at a wide range of distances
and angles, and end in specialized hands
capable of grasping and fine
manipulation of objects. Opposable
thumbs rock.

I started a band once. I went through so

many names. I mean a lot of names.

· Far From The Light Of Day

· Pet Rock

· Kidney Stones

· Fuck thinking of names

· Killer Pink Fish

· Polly Pocket

· And so on…
 Then I was listening to an amazing
band call the Presidents of the United
States Of America play their song called
Man. In the song it talks about
Opposable Thumbs. I fell in love with
the name. Unfortunately as I've stated
spelling is horrible for me so our band
was Appossable Thumbs. I was so proud of
it I couldn't wait until we started
playing gigs. The band lasted two weeks.
The point is that if you look hard
enough you can find whatever you want
even if it's just a band name. Anyway
not anyways because that isn't a word,
we can move back on to whatever I'm
trying to get to with this whole thing.

We can work our way down instead of

up. Hands are amazing things you know.
Mine can crack, give the thumbs up and
open pickle jars. They can show you
where to go or where to stick it. My
hands can feel and heal. My hands have
touched a lot of things, shot a lot of
things and played a lot of music.
They've gotten me in trouble and gotten
me out of a lot of tough situations.
 Being able to curl your fingers so
that the tips of the thumbs are
alongside and touching the first joint
of your forefinger. Keeping the thumbs
straight along the seams of your pant
leg with the first joint of your finger
touching your pants is always a good
thing to know. Yes a very good thing.

My arms are tough, they are strong.

Skinny but with the

strength of ants.

They aren't the same as they where

when I was born. Much longer now, with a
lot of bad things in them. Shapes,
designs, lines that lead to other ones.
Others have lines and such on there arms
but they are not mine. So they are of no
interest to this right now. Arms can
push. I've pushed to many things. Arms
are weak if you know how to hurt them. I
had to learn the hard way arms can heal
but they leave you with something so you
know you are still weak. Maybe weaker.

Elbows are useless. Trust me.

 Shoulders like to roll and roll and
roll. I'm getting bored of arms moving
on.

Legs are legs are legs. Some are

hairy and some are not. Some want to be
hairy but the people that own them don't
care about there feelings and like to
swim fast so those legs are screwed.
Legs can walk and run or power walk but
that's just useless. Legs are taken for
granted.(something about mermaids an
fish) I'm running out of steam for this.

The Lungs

The lungs are not popular on the

Internet because I can not find a proper
definition. Also internet is supposed to
be capitalized but I don't care about
that second one so it'll suffer. I do
not treat mine very well at all. I tell
everyone that I smoke because I think it
makes me look cool.

Unfortunately if your reading this

you can't hear the sarcasm in that last
statement. I don't know why I still
smoke I have a lot of reasons why I
shouldn't ever touch a cigarette again
but who knows.
 Whenever I read the word “know” I
say it in my head Ka no. I like to say
the k sound for some reason. I've
honestly tried to do it the correct way
but its just not going to happen. I feel
like I'm rambling so for all you fans of
the lung I'm sorry I need to move on.
Points of interest:

The body is boring me things that

just didn't make the list.

-fingernails
-toes
-skin
-ears
-eyelashes
-knees
-chin
-those two places where crap is in your
eyes when you wake up(I know what there
called but that just sounds cooler)
-neck
-teeth
-tongue
-stomach
-liver
-all other organs
-all the other organs I wasn't thinking
of when I said all other organs
-freckles
-the skin on the inside of your elbow
Story time-

Once someone was sad so I wrote

them a poem. It went like this.

Meow Meow Meow

goes the brown cow
Milk Milk Milk goes the worm with the
kilt
Moo Moo Moo goes the cow with a chew
Blibly Blobly Boop CRAP
Goes God as he looses his footing on a
toy Jesus left on the floor
Causing him to fall and catch himself
with his left hand
smashing the earth and killing everyone.
But in his fall he did find a penny
under the couch.
Story time(cont.)

01001111 01101110 01100011

01100101 00100000 01001001 00100000
01110111 01100001 01110011 00100000
01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001
00100000 01110011 01110100 01110101
01110000 01101001 01100100 00100000
01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000
01110100 01110010 01101001 01100101
01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111
00100000 01100111 01101111 00100000
01100001 01110111 01100001 01111001
00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010
00100000 01100001 00100000 01110111
01101000 01101001 01101100 01100101
00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000
01110100 01101111 01101111 01101011
00100000 01100001 00100000 01101100
01101111 01110100 00100000 01101111
01100110 00100000 01100001 01100100
01110110 01101001
01101100 00100000 01101001 01101110
00100000 01100110 01110010
01101111 01101110 01110100 00100000
01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100
01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000
01100111 01101001 01110010 01101100
00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100
00100000 01110011 01101000 01100101
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01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000
01100011 01100001 01110010 01100101
00101110 00100000 01000001 01100011
01110100 01110101
01100001 01101100 01101100 01111001
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01101111 01110111 00100000 01110011
01110100 01110101
01110000 01101001 01100100 00100000
01001001 00100000 01110111

01100001 01110011 00101110 00100000

01001001 00100000 01110111 01100101
01101110 01110100 00100000 01101001
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01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000
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01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000
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00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100
00100000 01110011 01110000 01100101
01101110 01110100 00100000 01110100
01101000 01100101 00100000 01101110
01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100
00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000
01110100 01101000
01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000
01101001 01101110 00100000 01100011
01100001 01110011 01100101 00100000
01001001 00100000
01100111 01101111 01110100 00100000
01110011 01101001 01100011 01101011
00101110 00100000 01010011 01101000
01100101 00100000 01100100 01101001
01100100 01101110 00100111 01110100
00100000 01110011 01100001 01111001
00100000 01100111 01101111 01101111
01100100 01101110 01101001 01100111
01101000 01110100 00101110
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

01011001 01101111 01110101 00100000

01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101
00100000 01110111 01100001 01100001
01100001 01100001 01100001 01111001
00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000
01101101 01110101 01100011 01101000
00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101
01100101 00100000 01101111 01101110
00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101
01110010 00100000 01101000 01100001
01101110 01100100
01110011

I CAN”T READY BINARY ASSHOLE!

I hope you take the time to figure that

out.

0011001110 <not actually binary.

(letter received in basic training)

4/8/2008

“Greetings Starfighter,

..I gather from your letter that you

might be realizing some of you limits.
Don't be to concerned! Your training is
designed to push you beyond your limits.
The first thing you training cadre' has
to do is find out where you break so
they know what they need to do to build
you up to the high level of soldiering
that you will realize by the time all
you training is complete. Trust me on
this. I've been there and done that.
This is just all part of the process and
it gets better every week. At times you
will stumble. There will be time when
you just can't run another step. Look to
your “brothers” when that happens. I'm
sure you'll find someone in your platoon
who will reach out and offer a shoulder
or will help hold you up by grabbing
onto your arm or maybe just offer the
right words of encouragement. There will
be other time when you're still in the
zone. Your steps are flowing and your
breathing is rhythmic and you'll see
someone stumble and be ready to quit.
Don't be afraid to reach out and offer
whatever help they need to get them
through. That's what its all about.
Thats why I told you its important to
leave yourself open to making friends
and not just focus on one person. Being
an “Army of one” has very little to do
with being by yourself. It has
everything to do with being an
individual part of something much
bigger. The bonds of friendship you make
now will be with you the rest of your
life. You also mentioned in your letter
that when you're feeling like you can't
make it you think of me and how you want
to make me proud. I'm sorry but it's too
late for that. You see, I'm already very
proud of you. And I was before you even
joined the army. And it has nothing to
do with being my job because I'm a .
Your a good kid and a fine man. I
wouldn't change a thing.”

With all my love,

 I've learned that everything can be
eaten with a spoon. Knives and forks are
actually pointless. Knives are really
just for people that aren't strong
enough to rub a spoon hard enough to cut
something. A fork is for someone who is
afraid to eat spaghetti with their
hands. A spork is like taking an Olympic
swimmer and strapping him down with iron
weights.

The only reason you would ever need

a spork is to eat a soup sandwich. On
the topic of sporks, if you ever ask
anyone to name something completely
random and they say spork just walk away
because they have no idea of the blood
line or importance of utensils. The
little black line the flashes when you
aren't typing was just keeping time with
the song I'm listening to.
 We'll play a game the electrician
used to play with me. Go get a pen. I
just waited about two minutes before I
wrote this sentence so that gave you
plenty of time to get one. No excuses.
Just write down the first thing you
think of when you read the next few
things.

Homeless-

Obviously-

Wyoming-

Digested-

Yolanda-
 Did you find the secret message? I
actually didn't consider using the word
HOWDY as a greeting until I meet a girl.
She wasn't anyone important at all
really just a meeting and the word
seemed to stick. I used to watch kids in
the hall a lot and I really miss that
show, but anyway I used to ash in
anything that could hold it, but anyway
I used to never understand why those
damn Canadians where so funny, but
anyway I used to take things from people
like sayings and phrases like howdy and
such like that. (aren't you glad I
didn't talk about kids in the hall or
smoking?(also I made sure I capitalized
Canadians.))
Points of interest:

Religion

I still haven't found it yet. I have

tried a few. I never went to church or
anything until I joined. When your so
far away and you only get Sundays to
yourself you try and find it as hard as
you can. I was genuinely interested it
it though. I went to as many churches as
I could. The religions I tried were very
different.

-Jewish
–Catholic
-Baptist
-Scientology
-Hindu
–Buddhist
-Islamic
-Protestant
-Mormon
-Pagan
 The one I found the most interesting
or well the one I went to the most was
The Church of Later Day Saints. The
Mormon religion. I don't know why I went
to it so much. Maybe it was because of
her, or maybe it was because they had
free cough drops, or maybe it was just
because the ride on the bus was so long.

What it was I'm not really sure.

They had some good points but I think it
was the cough drops.

For a long time I had a favorite

part of the bible. I'm not sure if you
would call it a passage or what I don't
know exactly what it's called and I
wouldn't want to say it wrong. For a
while I was going to get it as a tattoo,
for a while I thought it was written
about me. It was then that I realized a
lot of things. I was selfish.
 It was written so long ago how could
I say it was my own. Yes it reminded me
of myself and it spoke to me but that
didn't matter. As I laid there in my bed
so neatly made. In the middle of nowhere
with sixty other men that had as much of
an idea about what was going to happen
the next day as I did. I came upon the
idea that somethings are better shared
than kept.

I'm sure a lot of people have read

this. I'm sure of the fact because it's
in a very popular book. The fact is I
want to share this with you. Not because
it spoke to me, not because it brought
me though some hard nights, not because
I thought it was written for me, but
instead because I know now that it
wasn't written for me and thats what
makes it so special.
 1 Corinthians
Chapter 13
Though I speak with the tongues of
men and of angles, but have not love, I
have become sounding brass or a clanging
cymbal.
And though I have the gift of
prophecy, and understand all mysteries
and all knowledge, and though I have all
faith, so that I could remove mountains,
but have not love, I am nothing.
And though I bestow all my goods to
feed the poor, and though I give my body
to be burned, but have not love, it
profits me nothing.
Love suffers long and is kind; love
does not envy; love does not parade
itself, is not puffed up;
Does not behave rudely, does not
seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no
evil;
Does not rejoice in iniquity, but
rejoices in the truth;
Bears all things, believes all
things, hopes all things, endures all
things.
Love never fails. But whether there
are prophecies, they will fail; whether
there are tongues, they will cease;
whether there is knowledge, it will
vanish away.
 For we know in part and we prophesy
in part.
But when that which is perfect has
come, then that which is in part will be
done away.
When I was a child, I spoke as a
child, I understood as a child, I
thought as a child; but when I became a
man, I put away childish things.
For now we see in a mirror, dimly,
but then face to face. Now I know in
part, but then I shall know just as also
I am known.
And now abide faith, hope, love,
these three; but the greatest of these
is love.

Take what you want from this, all I

wanted was to share.

I read the bible a lot while I was

there. Not so much to find out things
about religion or Jesus or “how he died
for our sins” because I don't really
know if I feel that way. I guess the
main reason I read it was to pass the
time.
 I don't feel bad for saying that. I
don't feel bad for not having my own
religion that I can tell people about.
That I can go around and say have you
heard of this it's my church you should
try it. That just isn't the thing I need
right now. Probably the main reason why
I don't talk about religion so much is
that I haven't done enough research into
it. What gives me the right to say who
has everything right. Maybe just one
person is correct. Maybe everyone has
bits of it correct. Maybe everyone is
wrong and no one knows yet. Maybe there
is no god.

All I know is that if everyone is

wrong than thats pretty funny if you
really think about it.

God to me is our own person. In the

end who are you talking to when you
pray? Who gives you strength. Maybe it
is someone up there but they are still
giving it to you through yourself.

In the end we all have to make our

own decision and mine is to keep looking
until I've seen it all.
 NOT TRUE!
(arrow-down)

There once was a king but he had no

queen. One day at a festival in his
honor he meet a woman. She wasn't of
queen material but he didn't care. They
went everywhere together that day she
even went with him to the royal latrine.
(yes they were getting that close.) They
began to see each other regularly and
they liked it. Soon though the king
wasn't as impressive and she began to
get bored.

They tried many different things to

make things more fun. They went to shows
of dragons and other weird animals. They
even brought a few home with them. They
just stained the sheets. So they let
them free.

The king hated the woman but stayed

because he knew he would like her if he
just tried long enough.

The woman hated the king but stayed

because she got a fucking castle, and
horses and food.
 The king wasn't sure what to do and
it was hard to ignore the other women
that where still impressed with him and
he started seeing them instead. He
realized that he missed the woman he
meet at the festival and decided to do
something great. So he built a great
castle and they moved in. She didn't
like the moat. She didn't like the
drawbridge it was to wooden. The rooms
where to big but she smiled and told him
all these things could be fixed and it
was alright he didn't get it right for
her.

They where happy for the moment

being, and they decided it was time for
them to move on in there relationship.
It was time for her to become a queen.
He climbed the highest mountain and got
the rarest flower. He swam the most
deadly currents to get her a rare dress
from a far land. He got the best
musicians to play the most beautiful
melodies never even imagined.
 He found the woman and showed her
all these things and ask for her hand.
She said yes, and that he should have
asked what her favorite color of flower
was because this wasn't it, and that the
guitars and mandolins and pan flutes
where all out of tune. And the dress
well it just didn't fit her and was wet
from the water.

And they where happy for the time being.

She got bored with the castle and

was jealous of the other peoples
everything it didn't really matter what
it was. So the king created an army and
joined it with her to fight the enemy of
everything else. In the middle of a
fierce battle the king and woman began
to fight. They knocked down houses and
building with the fury that had kept
locked up for so long.

The woman decided to leave and go

join another army far away. The king
cried and cried like a king shouldn't.
His people got very mad at him for
making them suffer for so long. The king
gave the crown away and moved to a farm.
He is happy for the time being.
-END
Points of interest:(cont.)

Is it rude for a deaf person to sign

with their mouth full?

Where do people in hell tell other

people to go?

Do jail buses have emergency exits?

Why don't the kids just make the

rabbit work for the Trix that way they
can have all their chores done and only
have to pay him in sugar cereal?

What number am I thinking of?

Does Florida make the US look like

where taking a piss on Cuba? (I love
Gallagher)
 Pet Peeves:

• People who wear pajama pants out in

public
• People who try to write books and
just remember this much through that
there are bullets
• People who wear pants that say stuff
on their ass
• People who can't hand you money but
put it on the counter
then get mad when you do the same
thing with their change.
• If you say anyways
• People who put... after every
sentence
• The new star wars movies
• Social smokers
• People who pop there gum constantly
• People who don't understand sarcasm
• People who can't finish things
• Anyone who can't actually just sit
there and laugh at themselves
 I once had a friend with a dog that
could do tricks. Not just like lay down
or roll over. This dog could do math and
find people. You just needed a bag of
frozen green beans. I still to this day
have no idea.

When I was little I wanted to be a

magician. I got a magic table and a
bunch of cool tricks to do on it. That
lasted about two weeks. Things I try do
not last long. Thats goes for
relationships to. When I was in the 5th
grade I dated a girl for two days and
gave her a ring from one of those
quarter machines. Her friend told her to
throw it away because I had cooties. I
think that my relationships have gone
back to that level now.
(letter from 8th grade)

Hey (my name),

what did I say? So what if I bragged about
having a good time, I TOLD HER NOT TO SAY
ANYTHING!! Because I knew you would say
something. Why are you so embarrassed of
me? I really did have a good time, and now
know not to TELL JESSIE ANYTHING!!!!
Hey I'm soooooooooooo excited for the
concert. I (heart) . Please don't
be mad at me. I just had such a good time I
couldn't keep it to myself. I am really
sorry. I really am. I won't say anything to
anyone anymore K? Just don't be mad. I want
to have an awesome time at the concert
knowing that your not mad at me. I'll call
when I get home from school.
!!!!!!!!!!!SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!
From author 1.

Your friends
are such
asswholes
I think I should really kick

their

Author 1(never finished)

 I just really want to touch on that
spoon thing. To the rest of the
utensils. Screw em.

Hero's growing up.

Sean Connery in anything he

did.

Macgyver.

Sam Becket.

Harrison ford as Han Solo

and Indiana Jones.

Clint Eastwood

My Father.
 Things to do list.

-Watch every movies Sean Connery has

ever been in.
-Quit smoking.
-Tell everyone in my life how I
feel.
-Really have an open talk with my
father.
-Understand my mother.
-Actually have the guts to show
someone this.
-Play guitar in front of people.
-Become a teacher.
-Finish my tattoos.
-Have my moment.
-Never forget anyone.
-Tell her.
-Be a good Father.
-Learn to dance.
-Have my motorcycle.
-Actually try to finish this list.
(letter received in 6th grade)

*(my name)*

Hi, Um I was just

wondering if we're EVER
going to even talk?

If so please meet me
at my locker(#86) and
walk with me and a friend
to the public library, on
Monday the 14th.

If you want you can

also bring a friend! If
you do want to talk, send
a note to locker #86(near
end of 6th grade hall.
But please, if you leave a note,
please put my name on it
so won't read it!

Yours truly,
Author number 2

P.S: please, what's the status

of our relationship?

P.P.S: Please write back!

 Points of interest.

_nothing at the moment

I've never quite understood.

Someone once told me that when they

were younger they always thought that
lighting was Jesus running around the
house turning all the lights on and off.
And the thunder was God yelling at him
to knock it off.

I don't think I ever asked why the

sky was blue when I was younger.

When I was younger I was riding my

bike for a while and got thirsty so I
ran into the house and got some water.
When I went out side I put my helmet on
and there was bee inside. It really
hurt.
 I've always wanted to live in a
different time period. The perfect time
for me would be in the 40's. For some
reason I find the clothing and
appearance of people fascinating. It
would be nice to live old fashioned not
have T.V, or cell phones.

(tab) I can't hold a thought right now.

The letter c is following all of this.
For some reason my computer doesn't
understand the space button unless
something is in front of it so there is
a c in front of the cursor so that I can
see it move over a space. I don't like
commercials.

This

is

pointless

but you read it anyway.

 Something AWFUL

I love how this looks in bold. My

friend and I have a business plan that I
think is flawless. We are going to
create a pizza place that only sells
pizza that was cooked the day before. We
will put it in the freezer because
everyone loves day old pizza. In fact
that's what it will be called Day old
pizza. I understand that this will never
happen but its nice to have thoughts.

I used to have a best friend and we

would hang out all the time. We made a
pact that we would never smoke
cigarettes or pot, that we would never
have sex before we got married and we
would never drink until we were 21. I
did not keep my word.

We had a conversations about if we

were on the Truman show. It was a movie
about a guy that lived a life that was
on T.V and everyone was actors but him.
We had to swear to each other that if we
were actors we would tell each other. We
told each other that we weren't actors.
I still wonder sometimes.
 The Captain and the Mermaid.
(This is was to long and pointless)

There once was a great sea captain.

He loved the sea. He had a lovely ship
called The Drunken Coward. Nothing more
than a name. The ship wasn't as
beautiful as it once was. The captain
had it all his life. He got it the day
he was born and it was as new as he was
to the world, but as a reckless teen he
misused it and it became tattered and
torn.

He was attacked by a great wale

while he was out on the sea by himself.
They fought for many many months without
rest. The whale and him had a past. They
hated each other but the true reason was
lost forever. The whale and the captain
became tired and they realized they
where never going to finish the fight so
they went there separate ways for the
time being. The captain brought his ship
back to port. It was beaten and torn.
The sails were only shreds of themselves
and water was leaking into most places.
He knew that if he ever got into a
situation like that he might not be as
lucky and that his ship had stood up to
the worst fight he had ever been in.
 All that summer he worked hard on
rebuilding it. He wasn't just fixing up
the old ship, he was making it into a
brand new one. At the end of the summer
he was finished and it was everything he
wished his ship could be. The captain
had many good crew mates by now and they
had many adventures under their belts.
The captain decided to test his ship out
on his own.

He sailed for many days until he

grew tired and found an island with a
single chair on it. As he approached the
island he thought he saw a mermaid
sitting on the chair, and across the
breeze he could have sworn he heard the
most beautiful song ever sung. He didn't
try to think much of it because he was
very tired.

The island wasn't very big but it

had trees and fresh water with many
beautiful plants. The captain saw no
reason why he couldn't sleep there for a
while and begin his trek home the next
day.
 He quickly feel asleep in the chair
and had a dream about the adventures of
his friends. The mermaid returned in the
middle of the night to find the captain
asleep in her chair. She woke him to ask
what he was doing there. He explained he
saw her sitting in the chair but thought
she was just a dream. The mermaid
laughed and the captain still wasn't
sure if it was real or not.

She picked up one of the many

flowers on the island in her hand and
put it to the captains face. This was
when the captain realized the flowers
were glowing colors he never would have
imagined in his life. Mixes of red,
green, blue and some colors he didn't
even think had names yet.

She squeezed it in her hand until

drops of the colors began to fall from
her hand. She began to draw amazing
pictures of stars and planets the
captain could never of imagined in his
wildest dreams. She drew men in metal
ships above earth. They had weird
clothes and looked through glass bowls.
After she was done she feel asleep next
to him in the bed of flowers.
 The next day they spent together
talking and learning of each other. The
captain worried that his friends would
come looking for him and he didn't want
to share this with anyone. So he decided
to return. He promised the mermaid that
he would return to the island soon.

Within a week the captain came back

to the island with his own flowers. They
were not amazing glowing ones but he
knew she wouldn't care. The mermaid went
and planted them next to her chair. The
captain brought her flowers everyday
after that. While he was away the
mermaid would go to places he could
never go with his ship and find them
most amazing flowers to show him when he
would return. She told him of whales she
was friends with and he told of whales
he had fought.

They wanted to be together, but she

was with the sea. She promised him
everyday she would leave the sea and
come live with him. He told her it was
alright he knew it was wrong to keep a
sea creature from the sea, but he didn't
mind coming to see her on their secret
island.
 The mermaid was with the sea while
the captain was away and he began to get
jealous. He knew it wasn't right because
she was with the sea before the captain.
They had many talks and she decided to
finally leave the sea.

The next week the captain returned

and was ready to bring the mermaid back
with him. The mermaid told him she
wasn't ready and didn't know how to
leave the sea. The mermaid told him to
come back in one week and she would be
ready. The next week the captain
returned he brought the most amazing
flowers. She hadn't had time to find any
new ones for him.

This went on for a while until the

captain said that he would not return
unless she made up her mind. They sat
down in the garden they had created.
Full of flowers of every shape, size,
smell, sound, and taste. They didn't say
a word. They looked at each other for a
long time. The mermaid began to move
towards the captain. He arose to take
her in his arms but she dove into the
sea. She had decided.
 The captain was sad but in away was
not surprised. He looked at his ship and
decided to go on an adventure. He went
to many ports and found many companions.
He though of the mermaid often but tried
to forget her. He finally decided to
return home.

While he was riding the current into

his home port he was hit by a whale.
They began to fight and his ship began
to fall apart. The sky was dark and so
where the whales eyes. He rose up his
spear gun. The whale began to charge. He
looked into the whales eyes and put his
gun down. He told the whale it wasn't
worth it. The whale listened and told
him he just thought it was what they
were supposed to do. The captain wasn't
sure of anything. They went there
separate ways.

When the captain returned home his

friends wanted to hear all about it. He
told them of his journeys and they began
their normal routine. The captain wasn't
the same after his experiences he
appreciated his ship much more and made
sure it was ready for anything. He went
on a long trip not to long ago.
 He got lost and was on the sea for
many days. He had a talk with the sea
and they came to an understanding. Some
things just aren't ready to leave, but
that doesn't mean the captain should be
afraid of something different. He still
finds flowers and picks them, but he
just doesn't bring them to the island
anymore. He still thinks of the mermaid,
but he doesn't see her anymore. He keeps
the flowers as a reminder that he
doesn't have to travel so far and risk
so much just to appreciate somethings
beauty.

End
 2/23/2008
“Greetings Starfighter,

Let's see what we can do to get you

in a better frame of mind. Note that I
address your frame of mind and not your
situation because that's what you need
to take a look at. It is an unfortunate
circumstance that you now find yourself
in, but not one that hasn't been
encountered by EVERY person who has gone
through basic before you. For me it was
the case of the missing bayonet. We were
three weeks into our basic training and
still under total control. We had also
had a zero week where we received our
uniforms, arms and were instructed on
PT, Drill and Ceremony and marching in
formation. We had also had an induction
week before that where we got physicals,
shots and tested for what our MOS
qualifications were. You see I went in
as a draftee and, unlike an all
volunteer Army, none of us knew what our
function would be. The obvious was
someone to shoot at in Vietnam but that
didn't mean we weren't hopeful for
something else. The point is it's now
five weeks into our training and I've
had no privileges. I'm really looking
forward to this weekend pass. I've got
no duty scheduled for the weekend, and
I'm looking forward to going to the PX,
maybe a movie, whatever I want. Mostly,
I was looking forward to calling my
wife.

I know you know I was married before

but I've rarely talked about any of the
particulars. I got married when I was 18
and one of the biggest reasons was that
my draft lottery number was #10 and I
had received my letter for my induction
physical and pretty much knew where I
was headed. We were young and in love
and didn't want to miss the chance of
being married so we did it before I
left. Obviously, after five weeks, I was
homesick and craving contact with my
wife. The Friday before our first free
weekend we had bayonet training. Like
the bolts for our M-16's, bayonets were
kept in the armory and not issued unless
they were going to be used. At the end
of the day they were all to be returned.
When the armory did their return
inventory count, they came up one short.
We were immediately put in a lock down
in terms of control, stripped down and
searched, lockers torn apart, ect. Sound
familiar?
 We were taken outside in underwear
and boots and they started us of on a
double-time around our platoon area.
One loop around was a quarter mile. We
were told that our privileges were all
gone and that we would not stop running
until whoever stole the bayonet gave it
up. This went on for a couple of hours.
People were passing out, falling down,
puking, you name it. Our M-16's were
kept in a containment area within our
local complex and not the general armory
because we used them every day. Finally
one of the drill sergeant had the
foresight to check there and found the
missing bayonet still affixed to one of
the M-16's. It belonged to a kid named
He was the only one to have failed his
bayonet training that day and when we
first got back to our barracks that
night one of the DI's had taken him out
to the dummy we had set up in our yard
for additional training. He didn't turn
his stuff in until much later than the
rest of us an forgot to take the bayonet
off. You'd have to know him. He was a
border line moron. I'm not kidding, this
kid was just a couple of chromosomes
ahead of the kids you see walking around
with their councilors on “Tardz” day at
Wal-mart. When you get home remind me to
show you his picture from my Army book.
What are you going to do? Some people
wanted to beat the snot out of him.
Others just chose to ignore him and not
talk to him like he was to be shunned.
We lost our privileges anyway so four of
us worked with him all weekend and
practiced with a stick. First thing
Monday morning we had him go up to one
of the DI's and ask if he could be
tested again. They took him up to the
practice dummy in our yard, gave him his
M-16 and bayonet (which they still had
because the armory had closed up before
they found it) and went through the
drill. He passed all the required moves.
They asked him how he was able to do it.
He told them about the four of us and
how we took the time to practice with
him all weekend. After morning chow we
were called to fall-in. After we
assembled, the four of us were called up
to the front of the platoon. The senior
drill Sgt. came out and gave us armbands
with Corporal stripes on them and told
us we were now acting squad leaders for
our barracks. I guess the point is that
you need to look into yourself and
determine the type of person you want to
be. We still lost our privileges that
weekend but we cleared the path to get
them back and we got recognized in the
process for our efforts. And don't think
for one moment that they aren't looking
to see what you all will do face with
these setbacks. You are constantly being
evaluated.

I have never known anyone who has

gone through basic training that did not
lose that first weekend pass for some
bullshit reason. I believe its destined
to be. The reason is that not everyone
in your group has figured out yet that,
“wanting something is not enough. You
much hunger for it. Your motivation must
be absolutely compelling in order to
overcome the obstacles that will
invariably come you way.” As a part of
that group you can try to make them
realize that until they get with the
program everybody will lose out. That's
a difficult thing to do. Getting into a
fight over it isn't going to do it. All
that is going to do is get you in
trouble for violating military code of
conduct. Shunning them is also no good.
All you can do is try to positively
reinforce the concept that if you want
privileges you have got to have the best
interest of the group at heart and not
just you own interests. You may not even
want to go that far. The other option
available to you is to do nothing and
simple hope things will get better.

What is the difference in the

psychology of a winner and a loser; of
one who is stressed out and one who is
relaxed; of one who is angry and one who
is calm; of one who is worried and one
who is confident? Although it may not be
possible to account for every variable,
a large portion of the difference is
attributed to how one views situations
and what one says to themselves. Many
outcomes are predetermined by our
beliefs and our beliefs are influenced
by our vision and our self talk. You,
Sir, are at a crossroads in your life
where you have to ask yourself just what
type of person do I want to be? Simply
believe whatever is inside you. I do!
Whatever it is will be the first thing
for you to do. And, as long as you're
being true to yourself, I'm sure it is
something that I'll be proud of...
...You are a good soul. You need to
realize there are those things that can
be changed and there are those things
that can't. And then you need to ask
yourself if you want to be the one who
is the positive force that tries to
bring about change in the things that
can be changed. Don't let the noise of
other's opinions drown out your own
inner voice. Have the courage to follow
your heart and your intuition; they
somehow already know what you truly want
to become. Everything else is secondary.

Have you ever heard the saying that

life imitates art? You'll find that is
frequently true. Such is the case here.
If you remember Starfighter Alex decided
at first that he did not want to be a
Starfighter and had Centari bring him
back home. Once there he saw that the
fight was going to follow him anyway.
Zur was sending the Zandozans down to
Earth to kill him. He decided to go back
to Rylos and discovered they had been
attacked. He hooked up with Grig and
they took the prototype Gunstar that had
been modified with Death Blossom and
head out to the frontier, En route, they
encountered the Zurian cargo ship and
Grig put Alex in the throws of battle
hoping that a Starfighter would emerge.
They chased the ship into the caves and
Alex kept hesitating until he finally
destroyed the cargo ship. It was there
in the caves that Alex finally realized
that there are some things that you can
change and others that you can't he came
up with the plan to hide until the
command ship went by and then sneak up
on them from behind. He had finally
looked into himself and realized who he
was and that changes he could make to
protect the worlds now threatened by the
black scurge of the Kodaan. What he
found when he looked into himself was
that he was the last Starfighter. Follow
your heart.

I have only one other reference that

I would offer up to you to consider when
you try to figure out what to do in
dealing with you problems. That is a
passage from a favorite poem of mine by
Robert Frost. Frost is by far my
favorite and he teaches us in his poem
entitled, Two Tramps In Mud Time, the
following:

But yield who will to their separation,

My object in living is to unite
My avocation and my vocation
As my two eyes make one in sight.
Only where love and need are one,
And the work is play for mortal stakes,
Is the deed ever really done
For heaven and future's sakes.
-Love and miss you.”
Points of interest:

Steam

I've run out of it.

Body (cont.)

eyes:

They help you see. I just

saved you about three pages of reading
right there.
BLANK.
 I've already said this but my
relationships have not changed since I
was little.

(received in 6th grade)

(my name)

Well according to
our parents no. But,
I'm not sure, but
I think, oh, I don't
know! What do you
think? We could be
“special friends”- more
than friends but
not allowed to
go out. And I think
that I can go to
the dance CAN YOU?
Please come!
Author 2
Points of interest:
Emotions
Lust

(is not an
emotion according to a very trusted
source)

Is lust an emotion. Obviously it's a

sin if you think in those terms. The
seven sins are just a belief but I am
merely stating. They are a belief and
lust is one of them. I could say gravity
isn't real but its a common belief that
it is, but its still only a theory. I'm
getting off subject and that is just so
not like any of this so I'll go back.
(fourth wall just shattered) does the
fourth wall exist in books? Plus I'm
pretty sure I broke that really early on
in this, so it would be more of an eight
hundred wall.

It has been pointed out to me that

lust is more of a craving than an
emotion. Even if craving is an emotion,
lust would be classified under craving.
“Theres no emotion behind lust, at least
pure lust.” bold. Lust doesn't
constitute into anything.
 For some reason I've wanted to use
constitute in that last sentence. Lust
is just lust. I'm not entirely sure
where I wanted to go in this. Lust can
be rationalized easily if you can lie to
yourself. If you can do that well enough
you might not even know what your
feeling. Fuck.

(Written recently. Never sent.)

When I think about how foolish I was

with you I hate it. How quick I was to
let what was in my head grow so fast
that I couldn’t understand that it died
a long time ago.
Now when I think of you I’m quick to
eat another cigarette and laugh it off
like it was some joke. I don’t know what
I’m doing over here or what it will be
like when I get home but I know its
nothing like I made it out to be.

So I’ll smoke another pack and

listen to the same old songs. Tell
myself its my mood not the songs that
make me sad.
 Drink more water and wish it was
Jameson and have dreams about drinking
till I forget the other dreams.

I don’t hate you for it but in a way

I just despise you. For not living up to
my fucked up fantasy of some movie. I
blame movies for this not working out.
Not the fact that it would of never
actually happened.

Movies, songs, stupid videos so much

easier to lay the blame on. So fuck you
everything that had nothing to do with
it. Because it's far to hard to just
except that we are not in a fairy tale.
I am reminded of that every day but my
blinders are doing their job.
\\\\ Drunk Love Letter.

I love you. I know that it's hard to

except the fact that someone who is so
far away can feel this way. I feel this
is what true love is. I know that I’m
drunk but I don't want that to take away
from this.

My grammar might not be on par and I

might not spell everything correctly in
this message but don't let it take away
from what I'm trying to say.

What am I trying to say? I have no

fucking clue.

I could sit here and just fucking

write pages and pages on how I love you
and how I want to be with you but you've
heard that. You know that, and you have
trouble believing it.

I could sit here and try to explain

to you why you should believe it and how
it's true and I love you for nothing
more than just to love you. By now you
know this is a fact and it doesn't
matter if you believe it or not I'm
going to feel this way.
 So I will not waste this message
with pent up love if you would call it
that. Or waste it with so much wanting
for you to understand.

All I will say is that I feel for

you in a way I haven’t for another. If
this was three thousand years ago it
wouldn't be called love because maybe
that word wasn't around.

It doesn't matter what you fucking

call it. My feelings are real. Name it
what you want. No matter how we turn out
no matter how we make it in the world.

I will show you that whatever you

want to label a feeling. It is possible
for another human to want something so
much for for someone else rather than
wanting it for themselves.

That's all I really want

I want you to feel nothing I've felt

in the past 3 months. I want you to feel
as if the world owes you everything and
all you have to do is reach out and grab
it.
 All I want is you to feel.

So take whatever you want from this.

It is what it is and to the rest screw
‘em.
(letter written in basic but never sent)

24MAY08

Dear ,

12 days and a wake up now lady.

Happy very belated B-day. I would have
wrote you sooner but I was on FTX -5. it
was bad ass I fucked up my arm. I was
shooting my M16 which I named Charlotte
don't ask me why is just seemed to fit.
Anyway a round flew out of the ejection
port and fell into my sleeve and burned
the fuck out of my arm at least I have a
battle scare now. All of my training is
finally over. All I have to do now is
clean. I miss the fuck out of you and
(town) hope I didn't freak you out with
that letter. I'm not sure if I should
have sent it. Didn't want to make things
awkward.

I want some food when I get back I

don't care where, you're going to pick.
We're going out to eat and I'm paying!
Its only 18:17 they put us on personnel
time so early today. I learned a lot
more stuff about I wont go into
details but she already has a bf. I'm
not sure I meet the real until
now. Is the new Indiana Jones out? I'm
looking forward to seeing that. I can
sit here and picture (town) I hope its
what I expect it to be. Not that I
expect much out of(town) but I would
like to come home to it. I can't wait to
see the look on a lot of peoples faces,
especially yours. I look very different
in an army uniform you know. Its hard to
concentrate on writing this letter. I
just keep thinkings about home. I can
not wait. It's 19:23 now had to go to a
hydration formation. Oh I think I love
you.
Sincerely,
(my name)
 Anger:

Anger is the easiest of emotions.

How hard is it to get angry. I think its
creates it self. What I mean by that is,
it can make you angry not to be angry.
If you don't get incredible mad
sometimes your just going to blow up.
Its a proven fact. Prove that wrong.
Right now I'm angry at this fucking
thing. I don't even really know what to
call it. I will call it the long and
stupid grouping of words that I have put
down thus far and have no idea if or
when I will finish. Stupid.
(the break up of me and author 1)
(in a note passed in class)
Hey author 1,

Wicked bored in English right now.

So if your looking over and think I'm
working I'm not lol! Well I cant believe
that got put in the box for what
we did to it was just a joke. Ok
well now the reason I wrote the note! We
need to talk about some stuff. On Monday
OK? When we walk home. Well... we just
need to talk OK well
ttyl.
(my name)
Hey (my name),

I don't understand! Did I say or do

something wrong? You are going to dump
me, huh? Why I've seen a change in your
attitude since, but I don't understand
why! Please don't ruin my weekend! Did
anytime we spent together mean anything
to you?! It hurts, do you understand
that when someone dumps you that it
hurts!? Call me please! Don't ruin the
friendship we have! (my name) no matter
what you will ALWAYS mean a great deal
to me! Maybe we can work it out, I don't
know. Just, don't hurt me! Don't ruin
easter for me!!!

Always yours Author 1

 Does teen angst just turn into angst
when you become twenty. Does that make
you less angsty? I believe anger is
healthy in controlled amounts. Now I'm
not saying go out and just punch every
fucking kid out there that wears a god
damn hat so far up his head that it
doesn't even block the sun or keep warm,
and there is absolutely no point for him
to wear it. No I don't think you should
do that at all.

Being able to understand that you

are angry is a big help though. That way
you can understand what is making you
angry and try to avoid it or fix it so
you aren't angry all the time. In this
little rant I have said angry eleven
times. It took me about three times to
read over the last few paragraphs to get
that number I was just going to make one
up and put it down but someone might
count and get angry (12).

If I had just said ironic would that

have made me sound smarter? Fights are
just aggravating. I would like to relate
to you how much anger I have pent up.
Please pause for me to think of
something to compare it to. If you took
the distance from Earth to Mars.
Depending on where they are in their
orbits, they can be anywhere from 36
million miles to over 250 million miles
apart. So we will just say 36 million so
the numbers don't get to big.

I feel like I have enough anger to

fill buckets 7 times here and back. So
now multiply that (36 million) by lets
say fourteen. So 36,000,000 * 14 is
(I'll wait for you to get a calculator
you better not just look at the end of
this sentence you won't get the full
affect.) You would get a number like
504,000,000. So now lets say you wanted
to fill buckets of my pent up anger and
put them 7 times to Mars and back (14
all together)so lets say the diameter of
a bucket you want to use is seven
inches.

There are 5,280 feet in a mile.

There are 12 inches in a foot. 5280 x 12
= 63,360 inches in a mile. So 63,360
inches divided by 7 is 9051.42. So we
can round that number down to 9,051 so
we can fit 9,051 buckets in a mile. Now
lets take that and multiply it by
504,000,000. So thats 4,561,704,000,000
buckets between Mars and Earth 7 times
both ways with my pent up anger.
 Lets say each bucket can hold 1.4
lbs of anger. That would mean that I
have 6,386,385,600,000 lbs of pent up
anger in me. So if we were to do all
that thats about all my pent up anger
out there. Does that make sense? No. How
do I know it would be 7 times back and
fourth to mars. Cause its my anger I can
do with it what I want.

(36 million miles)

(earth) (mars)
[]---------------------------------[]
(buckets 7” diameter 1.4 lbs each of
anger)x 4,561,704,000,000

equals a lot of shit.

Points of Interest: Iraq.
(JOURNAL 2010_)
We are not brave. We are just doing
our jobs. Through technology I am able
to share with you the feelings I’ve had,
describe the things I’ve seen but its
not the same. You don’t see the things
I’ve witnessed. You can’t comprehend
seeing two children fight over a bottle
of water till one of them is so bloody
and battered they pass out.

When I can’t sleep at night I think

of all the girls from my past and what
hope I had for them. I may have been
with a lot of girls but what most people
don’t know and what I don’t bother
telling them is this: I tried so hard
with all of them. I don’t think I’ve
ever actually had a one night stand. How
I wish to be young and dumb again. To go
back and not try with some and give
everything I had to a few.

Now this might sound strange. Me

saying I want to be young and dumb as a
twenty one year old.
 I wish not to be young and dumb, but
to of had the chance to be young back
home. Make bad decisions, get way to
drunk and not have to worry about going
back to a world of shit. Watching my
friends have kids, get married and grow
up it makes me. I don’t know what it
makes me. I am here for no reason.
Making decisions I know will be with me
the rest of my life as if they are
second nature.

Running into a fire fight to get

someone is nothing its part of the job.
Getting shot at and laughing it off
because you can’t do anything is just
another perk. So do not think we are
brave. You don’t pay for bravery and we
are just looking for a paycheck. So I
guess we are just young and dumb.

We are growing up on lead, bottles

of water, long hours and blistering
heat. We are not brave we just got lost
on our way home. We are young scared
souls that will never admit it and
understand friendship no one else could
ever understand. We will be forever
young in our minds because that part of
our life was taken, but trust me on the
bravery.
 If I am what I eat than I am runny
eggs and dust. If I am what I do for a
living than I am a teacher and a killer.
If I am what I preach than I am
forgiving and a lover. If i am my past
than I am a dumb young boy who doesn’t
know any better. If i am my future than
I am unknown. If i am what I make than I
am blood, sweat, tears, and shit. If I
am my religion than I’m a sinner with no
remorse. If I am any of these things I
am learning.

I am not profound. I am not a master

of words or a wise old man. I am young,
unmolded, I am a piece of clay. I am my
past, future, and present. I am none of
those things. Whatever I am it isn’t a
bad person. I have done bad things. In
the most recent past i have done things
that will be with me for the rest of my
life, but for all of those things look
at what i do today and tomorrow to judge
me. Look at what i don’t have and what
I’ve given up. Look at where I’m going
to be, not at the things I’ve stopped
at. There is a reason why I can see you
at the end of the road.
 In todays war we don’t fight with
pure soul. We still work in sweat,
blood, and tears but it is no longer eat
once a week and fend off trench foot. We
live by our I pods, computers,steam-
ables and body armor. Face book and
social sites have become our snail mail.
We live every moment as if it’s our last
because we have become so used to rocket
strikes and motors we joke and run
towards them. One horrifying minute and
hours of boredom. Rinse and repeat our
life is a bad war movie. We spend more
time playing war with video games than
in real life that when we get into fire
fights we laugh it off and brag about
who shot who. We are the generation of
war, of violence and of no soul. We are
the generation of electronics, blood,
You Tube, and fondness of death. There
are no war bonds no great home comings.
Our country has grown tired of this
media war. It isn’t the cool thing to
watch so it isn’t happening. We are
fighting the forgotten war. We are the
generation of tolerance of destruction.
We are the generation kill. We live
fast, love faster, and die young but
fuck do we do it gracefully.
(random attempt at poetry from my
journal I wrote in 2003)

I used to know much stronger friends

the cigarette smoke didn't affect
them
the embers seem to fall
slowly when there gone
shown by the sun
 The Unicorn And The Invisible Man.
(Part 1.)

There once was an invisible man and

he lived in the woods.

The Unicorn And The Invisible Man.

(Part 2,4 and 6)

The woods were very dark and the man

didn't meet many people. Mostly because
he was invisible but still he was very
shy. He was walking to his favorite lake
to go swimming when he came upon a
unicorn. It was a very beautiful unicorn
but it wasn't playing with any of the
others. The man wanted nothing more than
to talk to the unicorn, but he couldn't
because no one could see him, He was
walking away when the unicorn ran to him
and asked him why he didn't say hi. The
man couldn't believe that she could see
him

(Part 3 left out)

 As they walked along the river
together they talked about how great the
unicorns new friends where but the man
was a little hesitant because they
thought he was made up. He came back to
the field the next day and the unicorn
was crying. He ran to her and asked what
was wrong. All of her friends had made
fun of her because she really wanted
them to meet him. The invisible man told
the unicorn that they weren't worth it
and they should run away and be
together.

The unicorn was torn she wasn't sure

if she could leave behind the meadow and
all of her friends. She finally had the
life she had wanted and was upset that
the man had asked her to leave it all
behind. She understood that he had
helped her get to where she was but
didn't want to give it up.

She asked the man to return to this

spot in one week. During the week the
unicorn spent most of the time playing
with her new friends. The man wanted to
go and clear his mind. He went on a
great walk around the world. He returned
to the spot a week later to find the
unicorn with a friend.
 The man was confused and asked the
unicorn what was going on. She didn't
say anything to him. The other unicorn
kept asking why they had to go to the
river at this time and that it was
stupid. She was finally convinced to
leave the river and as she walked away
she dropped a note. It said “I'm sorry
but having this many friends is to much
fun I don't know what to do please give
me another week to make up my mind,
because of you they all think I'm
crazy.”

The man didn't know what to think.

As he walked away a dark gentlemen
approached him. It was a wizard and he
had been following him for a while now.

The wizard told him of a spell that

he had learned that would make the
unicorn forget all about him and she
could be happy forever. The man knew
that if he didn't take the spell she
would never be truly happy. The only
side affect was he would be invisible to
her as well.
(part 5 not found)

The man awoke a month later. He was

tired and didn't know what to make of
what had happened. All he could think
about was his unicorn. He ran as fast as
he could to the river but in the back of
his mind he didn't expect to find her.
She was at the river but was with all of
her friends. They all seemed happy and
the man just wanted to say hi and be on
his way. Try as he might she wouldn't
respond to anything he was doing.

He realized that the spell had

worked. As he looked on he saw her smile
and it was real. All of her friends
where being nice to her, she was
frolicking and being a generally happy
unicorn. He started to smile. He knew he
had made the right choice. He still
checks in on her from time to time to
make sure she is OK He knows they can
never be together and it wouldn't matter
anyway because she wouldn't remember
him, but she would always be the mans
unicorn and he would always love her.

-The end.
Points of interest.
 Suicide.

(5/8/03)

(journal entry)

hey being serious

what would I leave behind if I died
nothing right? But my life. Don't you
wish
you could relive days
over again. Not to re do but to
enjoy. I have had a couple.
Like home economics and
thong! Lol giving me a hug
g2g

bye.
(received in 8th grade)

Hey babe,
First – I really really really
really really really really really
really really really really really
really really really really really
really really really really really
really really really really really
really really really really really
really really really really really
really really really really really
really really like you! Lol!
Now to what was bugging me! Ummm.... I
don't think you will understand, but
here it goes.

When we weren't going out you were

so happy all the time, even if something
bad happened with you mom. Then when you
asked me out, after you became really
crabby and mean and depressed. It really
and I'm not over reacting hurt my
feelings. I would cry, because I
couldn't understand why you were
ignoring me and what was wrong.
Told me you said you wanted to kill
yourself. Is that true!!!? It really
scared me.
 I know your not that stupid! It has
really bugged me. You say “oh I wont be
crabby tomorrow” and you are! Last night
on the phone I was crying and wanted to
hang up but I couldn't because I wanted
to know what was wrong. You told me very
little. I never want to break up with
you, but please try to make the best out
of everything I'M SORRY I wouldn't tell
you last night, but I felt stupid saying
it. And I know you told me, and you can
tell me anything anytime when you need
too. I won't say anything to anybody.
When you need to talk just say
something. I know sorta what your going
through. It really bothers me that your
depressed, it worries me thats all. Your
not as fun as you were in and outside of
school anymore. I'm pretty sure I know
you. And you were never depressed like
this, EVER!!!! I know it, it's a fact!

Thats what was bugging me.

Please talk to me.
I can't take your crabbiness anymore
unless you talk to me,
please!

CHEER UP!
Always Author 1
 In ninth grade I took about a bottle
of NyQuil and twenty or so Advil. Before
throwing it all up and passing out I
told a couple of my friends because I
wasn't sure what was going to happen. I
had to go to therapy for two years.

I tried it two more times after that

after high school. Committing suicide is
not one of my good skills and I'm very
glad of that.

(not blank)
(not true)
( )
 I honestly don't know whats going on
in my head right now. I was just laying
in my bed and kept thinking that
sentence over and over again. I was
thinking of a giant keyboard with people
standing on each letter and I was on top
of this big podium yelling out the
letters for the sentence and they would
jump up and type it onto this big
screen.

I feel as if my life is going down

hill. I'm at the bottom of something and
I feel as if I'm going to work shit out
soon. Honestly I don't want to. I'm not
sure if I am afraid to or if I just
don't want to change. I wanted to write
something here artistic about the bottom
of a well and how the brick represent
different things in my life building up
but I don't give a fuck. I'm not writing
this for pity. So if you have given me
any take it the fuck back. I don't know
why I'm writing it but its not for that.
I am incredibly selfish.

I have been thinking about suicide

lately and the only thing I think about
is how people would remember me and how
great it would be if people missed me.
How they would be sad and upset.
 You know who knows maybe I'm just
writing this part to get a reaction out
of people. “oh why would you write that
you know we would miss you” “(my name) a
lot of people care about you don't you
know that?” maybe thats what I want.

Do you hate me for that? I kinda do.

Did you just put this down? Walk away
from it? “Well fuck that noise this Kid
is stupid.” “What a fucking tool he
talks about how people are “emo” and he
hates that well he is just the same.”

I am probably the biggest hypocrite

you will ever meet. All I do is lie to
everyone and understand my problems but
don't fix them. I date every girl I
meet. After things start going well I
break it off. Mainly it's because I've
meet another girl that I could clearly
just be friends with but that doesn't
matter to me I need to know if they
would date me. What it would be like.
Then I move on to the next. All of the
girls I date that I leave I get
extremely jealous of anyone that talks
to them and I'll try to date them again
so no one can be with them, and so on
and so forth.
 //I think the main reason for me not
killing myself. This is the total and
honest truth. Is because I wouldn't be
able to see the reactions of people.
That made you hate me didn't it? It
would make me.

(Written in a notebook in 2003)

slice slice
it feels so right
slice slice
it feels so nice
slice slice
I'm going away now
slice slice
I'm going to roll the dice
slice slice
I'm dead now and it feels nice

All over this page is stained red.

I'm telling myself now that its Kool-Aid
I spilled but its not. It's sad to think
how stupid I was. I take that back I
wasn't stupid. How misinformed I was. To
think that life was so horrible at
fourteen years old. I don't blame anyone
but myself I just never really tried to
find out. I still have the scar.
 I tell people that the scar is
from me breaking a mirror when I was
younger and it cut me a little. Who
wants to tell people that when I was
fourteen I tried to kill myself. Thats
why I'm telling you now. You can't look
at me or say anything its better that
way. I might be a coward but honestly I
don't care.

I still wonder sometimes if it would

have been better for me to have just
done that and not dealt with most of the
stuff I'm sharing in this book, but then
I wouldn't of grown or become what I am.
That's an obvious statement but what I
mean is, would I have been able to
regret my decision? Or do people die
thinking it was the best thing to do at
the time. When I do die of old age I
will come haunt you to tell you the
answer. I promise.
Attempt at suicide note:

Dear people,

Please cry a lot so I know

that you really cared even though you
tell me constantly and I could have just
asked.

-yours truly asshole.

Dear people,

sorry for that last note

-ditto

Dear people,

make sure I look good.

 Sometimes I think about the people
in my life that have died and I wonder
if they can see what I'm doing. If they
know how much of a liar I am. That they
look down from where ever they go and
say “wow (my name) is like that? I just
lost all respect for him” “why the fuck
was that person part of my life?” This
is not for pity. I promise you.

Is it bad that I lock this book away

so only people I want can read it while
I work on it?

Is it bad that when people read this

unfinished I want them to read it out
loud so I can see why they are laughing
or what they think is messed up about
the stories?

Is it bad that I really wish I could

read peoples minds not to know what they
are thinking but just so I can see if
people think the same way as me?

Is it bad that I just asked all

these questions rhetorically because I
obviously won't be there when you read
any of these and you won't find me to
give me the answers.
 There is no question mark at the end
of the last sentence.

(Written Recently. Never Sent.)

Just remember no matter how this

ends. I'm going to hold your hand and
I'm going to look into your eyes and
tell you how beautiful you really are.
I'm going to give you my heart. These
loves letters you will never been
mailed, and that makes them all the more
true. I don't have to worry about being
nervous with you reading them. Don't get
me wrong I'm not over here fantasizing
some huge romantic home coming, but it
will be more an awkward hello. If it
doesn't go anywhere from there fuck it
we're young dammit.
 After that lovely section I have
decided to tell everyone in my life how
I really feel in the form of letters.
I'm sorry to anyone who is offended by
the truth or if it's blatantly obvious
who these are to.
 1 of 8 in no particular order of
importance.

Dear ,

Honestly I don't know where to start

with you. I would say I've been in love
with you sense the first day we meet but
thats just not true. You wouldn't
believe how the thought of coming home
to you got me through basic even though
I would never tell you that. I do love
you now though. Will we ever be
together? No. That doesn't make me as
upset as it used to. The fact that you
don't know I love you does though. I
wish I could just tell you how I feel
but why should I ruin our nearly non
existent friendship. I think the main
reason why I haven't is because your
still with him. I just don't understand
how you can tell me every time we talk
that you wish you weren't. I didn't know
that it was possible to stay with
someone for so long while not actually
being in love with them. Do you remember
the time that I ca d
s mind
and l
ld coo a l
another ents house but
you s and they
er m? I will always remember
that. I will still always do anything
for you. I will still buy you pointless
things you don't understand. I will
still try to introduce you to new things
and help you open up. Not to change you
but because I think you deserve
something new every once in a while.
Will you even read this? Will you still
remember the places we went after I stop
talking to you for no reason? I doubt
it.

With all the love

you'll never know about,
(my name)
2 out of 8

Dear ,

I think that you are a

bitch. I still think about you all the
time though. Most of it is shit that
I've made up in my head to hate you
more. I would talk about past
experiences we have had but this whole
letter would just be a giant blank mark.
You will never read this I know that for
a fact. What the fuck was wrong with
you? You made me fucking dfdfdfdfdfdfd
ry and thr
f fe! Well I feel
better for saying that. To be honest you
aren't worth the time for me to finish
this. Do you remember SOTF? God that was
stupid. Our song was the most ironic
piece of shit ever. It didn't happen
until you left. I drank root beer before
I did that. Is that sign still somewhere
on the road? The cat always hated you.
Son of a bitch.

(unfinished)
 (blank)
3 of 8

Dear ,

Do you ever even think about me

anymore? Does he know about any of what
happened? Do you know that sometimes I
want to call him and tell him? Did any
of what we did even matter or was I just
a good fuck? I still think about you. I
want you to tell him so badly. Not to
fuck shit up, but with all your
preaching and being such a good person
you would think that you would do the
same. Do your friends know? Do you still
have me in your phone as what I think
you do? Do you know that whenever I
think about my its ruined now
because I meet you? Fuck your chair!
Drugs are a waste of time and your
ruining yourself. Do you know that I
thank you constantly because you got me
back into art? Do you know that I tell
everyone our secret and they aren't
surprised? The funny thing is it's
because it was with you and they
wouldn't put it past you to do that.
Does that piss you off? Does it make you
mad that I tell people what happened
between us? Does it make you mad because
you know you shouldn't be mad because I
tell them the entire story not just my
side? Do you still have half the shit I
gave you? Your still in my phone the
same way. Are you happy because your
letter is the longest so far? Your
cookies taste horrible. Did you know I
almost put those pictures of you on the
Internet when everything went to shit?
No I don't have them anymore. I actually
printed them out just so I could burn
them. Are you afraid people might figure
out who this is and tell someone? Does
your father know what you do yet? Do you
remember when it was way to cold for
what we were doing one time? You were
never just a quick fuck for me. You
where a lot of things that you probably
shouldn't have been to me, but I want
you to know you were never a fuck. I
know I used to say it but it felt weird
to say it any other way. I don't even
have to ask you if you felt it was more
than that. I know you did at one point.
I hope you've cleaned your car by now.

Later lady,

(my name)
4 of 8

Dear ,
that about sums it up,
(my name)
 Points of interest.

(received in 8th grade)

(my name). I guess we had a rocky plane

ride. I cried too. Please call me at my
home cell phone @ (phone number) if it
is not on leave a message I want to
talk. Whats going on between me
and you? I am not trying to nag you,
but...ya know please call!!!! this whole
trip was a roller coaster ride huh? I
had a great time in the lobby with
u(turn page) until you said those words
“I think I don't like you” anyway hey
maybe we can hang out, as friends if you
want. Call tomorrow. You might be doing
something but call anyway. I guess or I
will talk to you tomorrow I hope
Always Author 1
Points of interest.(cont. Part 15)

Dreams.

I once had a three day dream. I

woke up and went to school and came back
went to bed and started the dream again
in the same place I had left off the
night before. The town I lived in was
flooded and my friend and I found a
canoe and paddled around finding
survivors. It was very interesting. I've
never been able to think about what I
want to dream about and then dream it.

I recently had a dream that I was

in the car with one of my ex
girlfriend's father. I was helping him
drink coffee out of a cup for some
reason. I don't really understand any of
it but he was nice about me helping him.
 The boy and the Cape.
(if you think you have any idea of what
this story is about I can guarantee your
wrong.)

There once was a boy and he always

wanted to have super powers. Everyone
that was older than him had them. They
had gotten them around the same age that
he was so any day now he was waiting for
them. He had heard that having a cape
was a great way to achieve the super
powers he wanted. So he decided to go
and look for one instead of just waiting
for it to fall in his lap. One day the
boy was surfing the Internet while he
was on the phone. He didn't know the
person on the phone very well but she
had promised him super powers so why not
talk to her. She told the boy where to
go and he started to talk to someone who
was just giving away a cape. The boy
couldn't believe it.

They talked for many days about the

details of the exchange of nothing for a
cape. It was a beautiful red made from
some of the finest silk the boy had
seen. The ropes on the end of the cape
used to tie around your neck where woven
with such brilliance it didn't seem like
it was humanly possible. They were
strong yet soft and didn't hurt the skin
when they rubbed against it. He had to
have it. The boy and the mystery woman
decided to meet so he could inspect it
further and decide, but at this point
the boy already knew he wanted it.

They meet at a carnival of people

next to a carousel. It was filled with
the smells of new clothes, apple pie,
sneakers and floor wax. He saw her and
the cape. The boy needed to be a man.
They talked over a piece of apple pie
and she was very lovely, he couldn't
believe how nice this girl was. She was
willing to give away her cape for free
and she was the most beautiful this the
boy had seen. The girl was wearing the
cape and he couldn't wait to try it on
and tell all his friends about what
amazing powers he had now, but there was
a catch. The boy had to leave everything
he had ever known behind. His name,
friends, and morals to list a few. He
didn't know that he would have to
sacrifice so much just to get the cape.
He now understood why the cape was free.
 He decided that once he got the cape
he would be able to leave the girl and
go back to what he had so he left it at
the carnival. Most people didn't
recognize the boy now. He was dressed in
odd clothing the girl had told him to
wear. He didn't talk the same. He wasn't
interested in toys or cartoons. All he
longed for was the cape and was doing
everything he had to, to get it. She
made the boy try all sorts of drugs and
listen to music he had never heard of.
He had no choice she was destroying him
and building him into something he never
thought he could be.

This went on for a year and the boy

didn't know who he was anymore. One day
the boy had enough and realized the cape
wasn't worth what he was becoming. He
told the girl enough was enough and he
was going back to his old life with or
without the cape he didn't care. The
girl cried and cried and cried. She
never stopped crying so the boy took the
cape and ran. He ran until he could
anymore and he just laid there waiting
for her to show up and take it back. She
never came.
 He didn't run from the drugs. He
didn't run from the music. He didn't run
from the change. He had his cape and he
wore it everyday. The red faded and the
rope frayed. It was just a cheap rag
towards the end. Many years later he
flew to the girls house. He was much
older now and he wasn't a boy. The cape
looked much shorter on him now. They
talked and shared apple pie. They
couldn't look each other in the eyes the
same anymore but the connection of the
past was still there. The smell of pie
never really left but the floors needed
to be waxed badly.

The End
Points of interest:

Questions Asked Of Me.

What Was The Nicest Thing You've Ever
Done For Someone?

“Beautiful women are always drawn to

men they think will keep them
beautiful.”

I am an average person. I have done

the few things people do that are nice
and ordinary. I've driven out of my way
to pick someone up, bought that
something my friend couldn't quite
afford at the moment, bought a homeless
person some coffee and given them a pack
of butts and everything in between that
is the social norm. I am not
extraordinary and it is hard for me to
talk about myself in a good light.

As it is for most people I would

assume. I can think of one thing that
was romantic and nice in a way.* I don't
know if I would consider it the nicest
thing ever but it is what came to mind
when I read the question.
 *Note that like most of my letters,
writings, and rants this does not have a
happy ending but I feel like it hits the
point.

There was a girl I knew a long time

ago. She was full of life and love. She
had the most wonderful way about her
where she could make anything beautiful
with her brush. She was an amazing
artist it just seemed to flow out of
her. She had friends and a few lovers
but often complained of not having that
one moment. That one thing to tell her
kids about.

She like most of our generations had

been sucked in by the notebook, MTV love
stories, horrible romantic comedies, and
it didn't help that she was in high
school. She felt like she needed that
moment for her life to move on from the
high school flings she had. She wanted
her John Cusack moment, she wanted Jake
Ryan from sixteen candles to be her
boyfriend and carry her off into her
dream. I decided to give her that
moment.
 We had become some what of friends
over the summer and she had complained
like most girls that she hadn't even
gotten flowers before. I would pick
flowers from the ground and such while
we where walking around but she would
say it wasn't the same they were from
me. (She was just so lovely right?) I
would laugh it off and try to understand
how that could even make sense to her
but there is no point in trying to
understand women. Trust me.

I thought about how I would give her

the moment. How I would change her life
around and I finally figured it out. I
would get her flowers everyday for a
year. Obviously I had figured out that
she didn't want them from me so I
figured the secret admirer approach
would work. (Now I wasn't trying to
trick her into thinking she had one when
she didn't. I liked her very much. I
just knew she wanted it to be that kind
of romantic that you don't hear about
everyday and when you do, you wish it
had happened to you.)
 It started off small I left her a
single flower on her door step or on her
car every morning before school. No
roses nothing like that and no notes.
Just flowers from a store, off an apple
tree, and even some a strangers garden.
Her house was on the way to school so it
was easy. At fist I didn't think she
noticed. We had become closer friends
and she never brought it up. It was a
set back but I kept going.

A few months in I stopped by her

house to see if she wanted to go out for
a bit. The door was open so I let myself
in and walked upstairs. She happened to
be in the shower and told me to make
myself at home in her room. There on her
wall was a huge canvas she had painted.
All over it where the flowers I had
given her so far. Some dried, some
painted, some covered I glue to keep the
beauty they had the moment she had
gotten the.
 I asked her about it and she just
blushed and said oh nothing someone has
been leaving me flowers. I don't know
who he never leaves notes. I am excited
every morning to wake up. I was glad and
wanted to tell her right then in there.
IT WAS ME! I AM THAT GUY! I AM HERE NOW
HUG ME, KISS ME, LOVE ME LET ME TAKE YOU
AWAY! Instead I said that it was very
interesting and we went out for coffee.

I made it the whole year without

telling her. I began to hide them. Set
them under her windshield wipers, set
them in her mail box, and stick them
under the door so she might not notice
right away. I meant every flower I gave
her. I meant every little peddle.

In the beginning it was a way for me

to get her to notice I was there. In a
small part to give her that moment. At
the end I was just doing it for her. She
wanted it so bad. I wanted her morning
to be like a movie every day.
 Finally a year later I was ready for
the big finish. That close up of the
camera, the sappy music, the long hug
and finish with a kiss. I left her one
final flower with a note to meet her
secret admirer down the road in an hour.

She showed up looking gorgeous. In

one of the most beautiful sun dresses I
have ever seen. She had a way to be
beautiful is so many ways and do it so
simply. I was standing there sweating
bullets with my dozen roses. It felt
like I was melting.

I will never forget her face when

she put it all together. When she
realized what I was and what I had done.
It wasn't like a movie it wasn't
anything other than disappointment. She
wanted it to be someone else. Who? I
never bother asking and to be honest I
don't think she knew either. Just not
me. It was awkward for the next few
months and the flowers stopped. We talk
every now and then but not like we had
before and that friendship will never be
the same.
 The point though is that we have the
same friends and I hear the story about
the flowers for a year constantly. She
leaves out the bit about me. Just likes
to end it that after a year she got a
letter that said your welcome and she
still doesn't know who its from. If you
ask her now she won't talk about it. She
will tell you it didn't happen. I don't
know why. Like I said before women are
tricky. The point though. The real point
is that she had her moment.

Even if its a bit tainted with me.

Tainted with the fact that she didn't
get that close up and the happy ending
like ALL OF US imagine. (Yes we all do
it sometimes) even though she didn't get
that she still has her story. She still
has the year of mystery, hope, romance,
anticipation, desire, and every little
emotion you could throw in there. I gave
her that. I made that possible and I
wanted nothing from it. I did tell her
it was me yes. I did have that dozen
roses. I was in the horrible tie.
 In the end though I just wanted her
to be happy. For one of her dreams to
come true. That is what I think the
nicest thing I did for someone was. I
guess.

What Is The Worst Thing You Have Ever

Done To Someone?

I think the worst thing that I have

ever done in my opinion is how I have
treated women in the past. All the
little lies and the way I can win over a
heart. It actually makes me sick to my
stomach when I think about it sometimes.

The thing is though at the time I

meant it all. In the back of my head
somewhere I wanted to believe the things
I said. How I would give them the world,
how charming I was, how they were the
only one for me. In reality though I
just needed them. I needed them to want
me and to like me. I needed that pseudo
relationship that wasn't ever really
there.
 I wanted to hold all the hands in
the world, I wanted a kiss from every
lip, I wanted every heart to belong to
me and for some reason that eludes me
now.

Like I said. “Just because someone

may have a way with words, a bit of
charm and some cheesy ass smile you see
in the movies doesn't mean you should
follow them to the end of the world.” I
meant that. I was mad when I wrote it
but I know now I wrote it about myself.

I want a relationship I want

something real, but so long ago I just
need instant satisfaction. Nothing
sexual although that did come along with
it. It's hard to put this because I
don't want to be blunt and say I made
girls just fall in love with me for the
hell of it. In the long run that is true
and I guess if I want to be honest I
need to own up to that. I never had bad
intentions behind it. Honestly
 At some point something happened to
me. I don't want to place blame. I don't
want to just say to have a crutch to
lean on. I don't want a way out of the
blame but I do think something made me
act this way. I just don't know what.
One of my shitty relationships? How I
was used for way to many things in the
past by other girls? Yes no maybe I
don't really know.

All I do know is that I was I am an

asshole. I am a charming asshole. I am
trying to do things for the right
reasons now. I feel like I am forcing
myself to grow up and it is just getting
all bunched up and confused into some
mess of a man that doesn't really know
where he is going in life. I have spats
and spurts of maturity and then sink
down into childhood again.

I long for the days of playing in

the snow and dreading school. Waking up
early to watch the news for delays and
chasing girls around the playground
because I had cooties.
 At some point I am going to really
need to wake up from all of this. To
look around with my eyes open this time
and understand where and who I am. I am
just to much of a coward to do it
completely yet, but I am trying.

Ask anyone and they will tell you

they have seen a change in me. That is
as real as anything but I think there
are still bits of that asshole left.

To all the girls I have had. I am

sorry. Not for what I said or the manor
in which I said it. Because trust me
dear. I meant every single damn word. I
just didn't mean it all at once and for
that I am sorry.

So in short. That is the worst thing

I have ever done. In my opinion.
Relationships (cont.)

I believe that I shouldn't work

on this when I'm in a “mood” I'm afraid
it will make this book to hard to
understand and I'm pretty sure its
almost to that point anyway. I think
that I am a fixer boyfriend. Not in the
sense that I am a project or girls see
me and think they can make me better or
fix my problems in anyway.
When I meet people I try not to come
off that way and it seems like its easy
to get to know me. I'm a fixer boyfriend
in the way that you date me for a while
and I will fuck up some how and keep it
from you.

After you finally find out you will

be so upset because you thought I was
such a nice person you will learn and
never let anyone treat you like shit.
The main reason for this is because a
lot of my ex's have thanked me.
 I quote “I don't want this to come
off as bitchy or rude, but the fact that
I let someone like you treat me that way
for that long taught me that I should
never let anyone be that way and now
I've found someone and because of you
our relationship is the best I've ever
had so thank you for being a complete
ass hole and fuck up to show me that I
can do a lot better and deserve it. If
it wasn't for you I wouldn't respect
myself.”

(LETTER NOT TO BE INCLUDED IN THE COUNT)

Dear Every Girl I’ve Ever Talked To,

I’m sorry for how I act and who I

led you on to think I am. I’ve changed
since then, but I’ve changed before that
and I’ll change again. It doesn’t mean
much.

I may say charming things but don’t

be fooled you’ll get sick of me you
girls always seem to do that. You are
beautiful like I say, and I do want to
hold your hand. In that moment the
things I say mean so much and are true.
 Don’t hold it against me that I’ve
had these moments with other people
before you it happens and with my luck
I’ll have these moments after you.

It’s life but what can we do? We

have our moments and we should cherish
them but instead we fight and bicker
about things that in twenty years won’t
mean anything. For some reason you find
it necessary to bring it up and your
never wrong, none of you are.

One day I will be right in a fight.

I don’t even want that day to come. I
don’t see the need for a conversation to
ever be sour. All it amounts to is more
shit that never mattered being dug up.
All I’d like is a nice chat. A “How’ve
you been?” and a “It was great see you
to I’ll see you later.” and actually see
me later.

All of our songs, inside jokes, way

we laugh at nothing, long car drives,
dirty apartments, nights of to much
drinking, and waking up and not wanting
to move so we can spend the whole day
together mean everything.
 The truth of the matter though is
those things will happen with other
people. Better and worse people. The
point of a relationship to me is to find
a friend you want to share those things
with. They happen all the time but not
with everyone. Its much more than a hand
shake or a hug. Appreciate what you have
for the moment with someone and
understand nothing is perfect and
nothing is always different.

Be happy with who you are with now

and don’t hate them because they’ve been
with other people. Thats life and life
is fluid. It repeats and washes it self
away and is new again. Whatever you do
don’t fight it. Whatever you do just
live for the moment. All we have is now.
Forget about the bills, or the way he
dresses, or how he leaves his socks
around, or how he’s held other girls
hands, or how he’s told someone else is
beautiful, how he has looked into
someones eyes and said I love you, or
how he has spent nights up just thinking
about another girl.
 In the time it took you to read this
sentence the earth just traveled 100,000
miles. We are never in the same part of
the our lives let alone the universe for
more than a second. The past is gone and
we will never be there in that exact
moment again. We will not breathe the
same or think what we did at that exact
moment.

The past is the past and the future

is something we are hurdling forward to
pass in a second. Every kiss is gone in
an instant but they mean everything
right then. My goal is to find someone
who is ready to spend the next hundred
years kissing me and holding my hand
knowing it’ll be gone in a second but
knowing we have the rest of our lives to
do it so many more times.
 I cheat when I don't mean to. I
honestly don't think about my actions
until they have passed. It makes me a
horrible person but no one knows. There
are maybe three people I haven't lied to
in my entire life. I have kept my
promise in the beginning though and not
lied in this entire book. So for the
other four people that read this
consider yourself lucky if you want to
call it that. Is it bad that I wish it
was my kid?
5 of 8
Dear ,

I can't even believe how long ago

that was. You make me feel old in the
most wonderful way. We have gone from
stealing kisses in between listening for
parents footsteps. To being young in a
big world talking every now and then. I
don't think we ever would of thought
back then that in seven years. I would
be across the world fighting for
something I'm not sure I believe in and
you would be off being beautiful
somewhere in a city that doesn't deserve
you.

Times change a lot of things but we

have always stayed close. Unlike most
girls I didn't chase you down constantly
after we were over. Could've been that I
was only fourteen and didn't think much
of us at the time but we can pretend it
was something bigger. You have been my
closest friend from that moment on.

I can't even say a lot about our

relationship has made me who I am today.
Everything did and maybe I made you a
little bit who you are today as well.
Other than . Sorry
about that. From the music, to the
clothes, to the ass whooping I got
because of you.

When I think of you I seem to come

upon one memory and it isn't even from
when we were dating. It was about six
years later. You stayed over my
apartment for about a week. We were
sharing the bed the most innocent of
ways. For some reason my bed was in the
living room surrounded by windows and it
was to bright to be asleep. You had a
white shirt on that I honestly don't
know where you got and where sound
asleep.

My damn cat woke me up by moving the

curtain enough to have the sun go in my
eyes. You were laying on my arm snoring
horribly. At that moment I knew I loved
you and it wasn't just fourteen year old
love. But the reason I bring this up is
because it wasn't get down on one knee
kinda love either.

(for some reason explaining it that way

sounds a bit like fourteen year old
love.)
 It was the love that felt safe,
secure, and far to real for a friend. I
knew with you drooling on my arm, futon
bars digging into my back that we would
always be apart of the others lives. I'm
not sure why I needed to spell that out
so clearly or why you would need to know
the details of that day.

With you its never the same story.

Its always an adventure. The last time I
saw you when I had to leave I cried in
the car. I feel as though I am rambling
because I know you will read this so I
will end it like this. Your beauty
trumps all. You are my dearest friend. I
would go to the ends of the earth for
you and I know without a doubt you'd do
the same. I love you in the most
innocent of ways.

Maybe it is fourteen year old love.

Innocent and pure with out being jaded
with all of life's lessons. Whatever it
is it's there and I just wanted you to
know it.

`` Always yours,
(My Name)
6 of 8 (or) 3/4ths of the way done.

Dear ,

Like I said you are the only person

to really “get me” in a way. We don't
have to say much to understand the exact
thing we are talking about and I love
that. I know I don't come to you much
with my problems and that's mostly
because ,
but trust me I know you are always there
and I am grateful.

We have had our rough bits here and

there but is what happens when kids grow
up. You never ran out though you always
just kept there and always had a funny
thing to say and make me smile or a
shoulder to cry on. Honestly I can not
thank you enough for that so I won't try
but just know I am thankful.

Your guidance through life has been

amazing. The ability to just let me
figure things out on my own has helped
me a lot. I am in no way saying you left
me out to dry but you always knew when
to back off a bit and let me find my
footing.
 You always had a “screw 'em”
attitude and that rubbed off on me a
lot. I learned to not care what people
think and just do things for myself and
not worry if I may be a bit different.
You showed me not to be afraid of myself
and to just do what I needed or felt I
could do. You helped me know I was who
ever I wanted to be.

Don't think I forgot about the

music. If it wasn't for you I don't know
what I would listen to or if I would of
even gotten into playing an instrument
later on down the road. Driving in that
black car listening to Queen are some
the best memories I have from my
childhood.

Lastly you were my friend. I have

never and probably ever have as open
conversations with someone else as I am
able to with you. Doesn't matter the
topic I can always come to you and you
will know the right words to say.

So thank you for the hugs, bed times

stories when you where far away, the
kisses, the laughs and the memories. I
love you more than all the stars in the
sky.
7 of 8

Dear ,

You never did teach me how to you

know. I did figure it out but it wasn't
a fun process. Now whenever I shave I
feel the most like a man you could say.
I figured it out all by myself it was my
first big accomplishment growing up.

I don't want you to think you didn't

teach me anything though. I could and
still can go to you whenever I need a
question answered or need to know how to
do something. I'm not sure if its
because you are what you are to me or
because you are just a man but you
always seem to know. I don't think I
could ever think of you as just a man
though.

You will always be that one thing I

aspire to be. The one goal I have for me
and to be for my kids. Most times when I
am stuck with a hard decision I just try
to figure out what you might say or do
and base my decision off of that. Even
though we don' talk much you still give
me advice to this day.
 You don't speak much but when you do
I always listen even if it doesn't seem
like it. When I was younger it was your
dumb stories, silly jokes and simply
advice. Now as I am older its your stern
warnings, more inappropriate jokes, and
the thing I like the best when you just
talk to me like I am one of the guys.

Now I know I am much to old to be

happy about that last one but it's still
nice. More and more being over here I am
realizing I am like you a lot. With my
smart ass comments that just come to me
or my ability to calm down situations
and make decisions easily. I know that a
part of that is me and who I am but I
see a lot of your advice and comments
coming from my mouth now. I can not tell
you how much I appreciate that.

If for one second I could affect

someones life like you did with me like
you still do. I think I would be happy.
People do look up to me from time to
time and I like to think I have you to
thank for that. I look forward to
getting to know you more as an adult
now. I look forward to having a beer
with you when I get back and just
shooting the shit.
 I look forward to just sitting and
not talking but still understating the
conversation we are having. I love you.

I keep wondering if people will be

angry when they read this then I laugh.
I know in the back of my head that I
will never publish this. This book is a
conversation with myself at the best.
Sometimes I will show it to people but
never on a scale that I would like. I am
deathly afraid of what people will say.
(No one is actually
reading this)
(letter received in 2009 found in trash
of car. Smells like coffee and shit)

(my name)

I kind of feel like an idiot for

writing this, but I guess at the end of
the day I've got nothing to lose. I
guess I finally came to the realization
that if you want something badly enough,
then its worth taking the risk of
getting hurt, because by doing nothing
you gain nothing.

“tonight, you'll see, the things

that mean the most are painted in
uncertainty” - Traces David

I know I told you I wanted nothing

to do with you, but in all honestly its
only because thats how hurt I am. I'm
sorry for never opening up as much as
you would have liked, you never knew,
never could have known, that I let you
in more than anyone else. I care about
you more than I've ever cared about
anyone else. Ironically I never really
told you that because I was so afraid of
getting hurt that I pushed you away,
exactly what I said you were doing to
me.
 Relationships have never really been
my forte. I've never cared enough to put
much effort into it. I've certainly
never tried to get anyone back, but I'll
beat myself up forever if I don't try
now.

“if I could say all the right words

I know I could make you stay, if I could
say all the right words, things would
work out alright” - The Offspring

Maybe I'm way out of line here but

for once I need to be honest about how I
feel, even if it is a little late, and
despite the possibility of making a fool
of myself in the process.

For the first time I actually want

to keep someone around in my life, I
want you. You are the only person who
can make me laugh no matter how upset or
angry I am, you're the only person I
want there when I need a hug, someone to
talk to, or just take my mind off of
things.
 I love being around you, going on
aimless trips to wal-mart or watching
avatar: the last air bender for hours on
end. The last thing I think about before
I fall asleep at night is you, and I
don't ever want that to change. I think
I could fall in love with you, or I
already have, either way I want to find
out. I know you were really hurt by
, in your shoes I'd never trust
anyone again. I'm not , and I'm
asking you to give me a fair shot, to
stop shutting me out and give me a real
chance.

“see all you have to do now is

please try, give it your best shot and
try... I gotta feel you in my bones
again, I'm all over you I'm not over
you” - The Spill Canvas

I'm sorry for playing hard to get

all the time, and playing it off like I
wasn't that into you. I was just afraid
of letting go, and I'm sorry for not
reassuring you that the guys I talk to
and hang out with didn't mean anything
to me. Truthfully they could never
compare to you, ever.
 “the worst is over, you can have the
best of me”
-The starting line

The thought of you being with some

other bitch girl absolutely kills me.
I'm sorry but she doesn't deserve you,
and she certainly can't care about you
even a fraction as much as I do.

“i don't believe that anybody feels

the way I do about you now”
-Oasis

So what it all comes down to is if

you care for me at all, tell me. I'm
willing to try again with the
relationship aspect but for now I can't
be friends with you, it would hurt to
much.

“my heart is yours to fill with

trust,
break or lose, or wear proudly
whichever you prefer” - Dashboard
Confessionals

I miss you
 Points of interest:

Kids/sex/sex/sex

I've had a lot of relationships that

have gotten serious on my side or the
other or both. If you haven't realized
that I jump into things whole heartedly
every time then you need to read this
book over again. The topic of kids has
come up quite a few times. I've almost
had a few, some that I wasn't aware of
until it was to late. Would I of had the
kids? Well not when I was fourteen but
thats just a different story and
different life completely but when I was
seventeen or eighteen yeah I would have.

Unfortunately I was never told of

even having the option until it was to
late. I will not turn this book or this
section into some debate over the “other
option” all I will say is that in some
cases that happened in others it was
just a natural occurrence probably
because they were way to young to be
having a kid anyway.
(received in 8th grade)

Dear (my name)

Hey last night was fun. I know you

are confused so am I. But I know that I
like you. And I am not confused about
that. What happened last night? Did
you mean it? Do you like me or no? You
said you did, then you said you didn't.
I love talking to you, and last night
was soooo cool! You are really the only
boy I know who I can talk to. In my book
your perfect. I really want to talk
more, and during the end of vacation
maybe my sister will take us to see a
movie or something. Please call my phone
I really want to talk @ (phone number)
its my phone so I will be the only one
to answer it. I had fun today with you
too.
Please call don't be
shy.
PLEASE DON'T SHOW THIS NOTE
TO ANYONE!!!!
Always author 1.
 I've named a few of them before. It
doesn't make them anymore real but its
nice to have named them. I don't know
how good of a father I would be.
Hopefully I could teach them about
things and they wouldn't grow up to be
some of the people I dislike now, but
even if they did I know I would love
them. I think that I lost my virginity
way to young. Sex is sometimes boring to
me now, but it is a necessity and gets
me into a lot more trouble than I need.
When I was younger I felt that I had
grown up to fast. It wasn't the truth
but the way I acted in relationships
made me think I was an adult. At
thirteen I love you is a powerful word.
It can make you think that you know
everything there is to know and everyone
is wrong when they tell you that you
don't.

One of the most frustrating things

I've had to deal with is being so
blinded by the idea of being happy
forever that you don't see the honest
truth. The fact that people can tell you
what is going to happen in a
relationship just doesn't make sense to
you at the time. Even if they have been
through it before.
 History does repeat itself even in
the smallest forms. I went through that
period of denial several times and have
finally learned my lesson. Somethings
though you can only learn through
mistakes.

(another attempt at poetry circa 2004

about childhood)

Cars don't make the jumps

trains run off the tracks
marbles and cars stay still
the slant has to many crack

dry spells and floods

I love yous
and whats their names
the parties were great
but some people never came

musics always louder on my side

sometimes thats all it takes
but no matter how loud
I can still hear my mistakes

some shows rough crowds

bad experiments in smoke and brain
I could never fly with gravity
that day it didn't feel like it would be
put on again.
 I feel as though I'm rambling now
and I hate to push ideals or thoughts of
life on to anyone. So the way I have
learned to live life is one day at a
time. This is not a new thought process
to human life or anyone but it is one
that works. I've thought for a long time
and I can honestly say I have no
regrets.

I hate somethings from my past. I

wish they hadn't happened some days, but
in the long run I am stronger for them.
I may have trust issues or other things
wrong with me, but who wants to live a
life of happiness all of the time. Would
you be happy not knowing what love is.
What I'm saying is love is not always
fun. I hate saying love because it's a
word that I feel can't have a
definition. Yes its a feeling for
someone that is strong but I don't
believe that its the same feeling felt
by everyone. I've lost this thought.

Try to find something good out of

any situation.
(2002)

I've had to learn

That what you love can burn
A flame of light
Too, too bright
Attracted to it like a moth
It tricks you into diving in to fast
You get burned
The scar always lasts
If your smart and go slow
Going deeper
And deeper with care
Your skin will come out bare
Love will not hurt if your slow
But be careful the further you go
The hotter it gets
The more it burns
But the closer you get
The less the flame has to breathe
To smother it
Is to kill the love
If you find the middle of the flame
You've won the game
True love is tolerance of the pain
When at the end there is nothing to gain
But at least you will leave sane
 The only part of that poem I like is
“true love is tolerance of the pain” I
don't think that I actually understood
“true love” at thirteen nor do I think I
do now. I don't know how I feel about
actually talking about a poem I put into
this book so I will only briefly touch
on it.

I know that I like to read old

poems, and notes and such things from
the past. I like remembering how I felt
back then and if I still have the same
feelings and morals as my thirteen year
old self. I don't.

I once received a present that I had

to solve a riddle to receive. The riddle
was.

“What is a ouroboros that failed its

test.”
Wednesday June 7th, 2007

Dear (my name)

I love you so much I can't believe I
almost lost you. I traded my car in order to
go to your graduation. I know it's important
to you for me to be there and like I told
you before I'll do anything for you. You are
my one and only love. I want to be with you
for the rest of my life. I am so sorry.
Jesus I can't stop crying! I miss you so
much already. We can make it through though.
We will have so much to celibate on the 7th.
You turning eighteen, living together,
thirteen months, living together in general.
God I miss you so much right now that it
hurts me. I just counted on my calender,
four weeks and July 4th! (my name)! I won't
miss your birthday! Today after you left my
life went downhill. Then I heard your voice
and instantly thought of all the reasons why
I am happy you are in my life. First being
that no matter what, you do love me, and
convince me that you'll always be there. I
love you so much. I can't wait to live the
rest of my life wrapped up inside your arms.
I regret every fight. All the anger. You
hold my heart (my name). And I cant wait
until the day when I can call myself your
wife. I am so happy to be yours always and
forever.
 I've realized that most of the notes
in this thing are either sad or
complimenting me. I'm not trying to play
the victim card or make myself out to
seem like an amazing person. I'm not at
all. This isn't me being sad, or me
wanting you to feel bad for me. I
honestly don't think that I am as
amazing as these notes make me out to
be. I don't however think of myself as
horrible. I chose them because I either
found them or wished to share them with
you. These notes belong to people. They
felt that way at one time.

Everyone one of them was true and

honest but that does not mean its true
today. If you could go back with all the
knowledge of how a relationship would
end would you still act the same way? At
some point we find love. At some point
we lose it. That is obvious. Never say
never and never say forever.
 I once got a gift that was
beautifully made. It was pieces of
cardboard covered in pictures to make it
look like a mural. You could fold it up
to wallet size. It had pictures to
remind me of the relationship. I found
it recently and ripped it up. I was
looking through the remains of it and
found a secret note. It was glue
underneath all of the pictures

“(Mr. Full name)

I will love you
until the day
I die.”

<3 BLANK

I then discovered that the person

had written all of the lyrics to our
song on the other side and glued paper
over them so it was hard to see unless
you held it up to the light. I guess the
lessoned learned is don't take the small
things for granted. It didn't matter
that I found it three years after the
fact. It mattered that it was there and
I never found it when those feelings
were true.
 “made for you...because you are just
wonderful...i hope you like this...its
made with love...LOL. So just love it
back, because nothing but love is
recorded onto this CD.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue,

ill make you some broccoli, if you get
the flu, and take you to Denny's, one
table for two, because I love you, you
silly Jew.” (heart)
HAPPY SEVEN MONTHS!!!!
Points of interest.

This book

I'm still trying to figure out what

this is. I'm not quite sure what I want
to do with it. I'm still considering the
fact that it is just a long note to
myself. For a while I thought it was a
very elaborate suicide note but I'm
pretty sure that people would get sick
of it and put it down. I think that
people will do that anyway. Sex. The
people who have read this book have said
nothing but good things but I think
thats because they are friends. Some are
crazy, tall, short, have no hair, have
glasses, not crazy, insightful, have
boobs, or have boobs but not those kind
of boobs.

The common fact still stands though

they are friends. I want someone to read
this that doesn't give a fuck what I
think. Maybe thats you. By the time
anyone reads this I will be dead or in
the sand somewhere. The fact is its hard
to get mail to both places.
 I wanted to tell you how many times
I've said that no one will read this
book. I wanted to tell you how many
times I've written things down here and
deleted them. I don't think that
matters.

I hope you understand that this is

not something I am proud of. This book
shows what I am and what I can be.
Crazy, cold hearted, mean, and self
indulgent. I am not a person that is
good to anyone really.

I hope you understand that I second

guess myself constantly. If I come off
as confident I am not. I can assure you
of this.

I hope you keep reading this knowing

all of this information.

I hope you know I am still a coward.

 Points of interest:
I have none.

I've written the sentence “I'm going

to just kill myself and have one of my
friends publish this as a suicide note
to the world.” a few times this past
week. I then delete it, and I'll end up
writing it down again later on. I am a
coward. Why I'm telling you this? I
don't know. I understand the fact that I
won't be there when you read this
obviously. What I meant was I don't know
why I put it down when I could have
easily just deleted it and never talked
about it.

Q
 I am lazy. I am tired. I ache. I am
a complainer. I have bad skin.

I lie to much. I am a hypocrite. I

never think before I do.

I don't have glasses that fit. I

care about what people think to much. I
am complacent.

I honestly think this is a waste of

time. I miss things I shouldn't.
I am a coward.
 I once drove by a sign that said
“hot dogs next left” I didn't go to it.
I wanted to but I didn't. The fact that
I wanted to go to it but didn't felt
relevant at the time and I thought I
should put it down here. I honestly
can't think of why now. I think maybe it
was because I need to live my life the
way I want. I don't need to worry about
what people think and I do often. Not
about this book for some reason. I
didn't even want a hot dog. I just
wanted to see what it was.

Amazingly I still have not lied in

this book. I lie to people still though.
People I don't know. People I've known
for a while. People that it wouldn't
matter if I told them the truth or not,
but I haven't lied to you. I want things
all at once and I get mad at myself when
I can't get them. If I do get them I
instantly don't want them and hate
myself for having it. I just deleted a
sentence and I will not put it back
here.

I wish I could go back to

those hot dogs.
 I have finally decided what I'm
going to put as the cover of this book.
Clearly I said that the cover of this
book would be yellow but I didn't want
it to just be a straight color I wanted
a picture and I've decided. I thought I
should point out when seeing as we are a
year and a half into this book now.
 Points of interest: (a letter that
is the opposite of anything that has
been in this)

“(my name)
I'm sorry about tonight. I may have
had a small panic attack but your
continuing to speak helped me through
it. As much as I wanted to be the one
who helped you get over your .
It is ridiculous for me to think that
I'm actually that girl. Basically I'm
sitting here politely waiting for you to
tell me I'm not enough. I just don't
want to do the wrong thing and have you
run away. I know you can't go far but
you can hurt me.

Sometimes I think you are the most

immature person I have ever met. Then in
the blink of an eye you can be the most
mature/logical person I know.

(my name) you mean a great deal to

me and I guess I constantly feel like
I'm doing everything wrong and I'm not
good enough. If you say that's false
then that is something I personally need
to get over and am sorry for.
 I always date older, way older guys
so I assumed I knew what a mature
relationship was... but apparently I was
wrong. You've really helped show me
that.

I can promise I'm going to mess up

again and that I will do the wrong
thing, but it wont ever be intentional
and I always learn from my mistakes. I
will always try to fix anything I've
done wrong and I will never
intentionally hurt you.

I'm really lucky you care about me

as much as you do, and I want to make
sure you know how much I appreciate
that. I may shrug it off or make it seem
like its not a big deal but it is. Very
few people give a damn what happens to
me and I'm glad your one. You are
caring, adorable, loving, kind, sweet
and surprising and I will never forget.
-(heart)
Things I have done:

-lied
-shot at something alive
-rappelled
-smoked pot
-done acid
-done drugs
-made an ass of myself
-payed off debts
-gone to a concert
-driven a standard car
-gotten stupid tattoos
-smoked cigarettes
-cried
-been scared for my life
-peed in a dress
-peed on the dress
-bought a typewriter
-held something while it died
-lost money
-wrote a song
-sang to someone
-burned something down

(not finished)
Movies I have watched

-Imaginary Hero's
-Good Morning Vietnam
-The last Starfighter
-Full Metal Jacket
-Most chick flicks (because I was
dragged to them)
-Every Clint Eastwood western
-The Squid And The Whale
-The Dangerous Lives Of Alter Boys
-Ghost World
-Jakob the liar
-What dreams may come
-The Tin Man
-Winter Passing

(can't be finished)
Thursday Junes 8th, 2007

Dear (my name)

I miss you. I cant wait to see you
today. I want to kiss you so badly. I miss
your warm touch. I want so badly to wake up
next to you. I slept last night in the “kill
your T.V.” t-shirt just because it still
smelt like you. Bring me another shirt next
time I see you. That way a little part of
you will always be with me. I can't wait to
see you on your birthday! I am only allowed
to drive the car to and from work though. So
unfortunately you'll have to pick me up.
I'll give you gas money. I promise. Baby I
love you so much. You are the reason I still
live, the reason why I wake up every
morning, the reason I can smile in the worst
of times. I can't wait to move out and start
and amazing new life with you. I think about
what my life would be like if you weren't in
it and I get so sad. I can't help but cry.
Love is like air, love is all you need. In
other words you are all I need. You are my
one. My love. You give me life and hope and
peace. I don't know how I could live without
you in my life, and I don't want to find
out. I am more in love with you than
anything. I want to be with you forever.
Always and forever, all my love.
 \Goat
(my first bedtime story)

There once was a goat named

Henry. He loved to go for long runs and
walks as well. Henry was an amazing goat
he was full of life and loved everyday.
He was about average size for a goat of
course. He had a wonderfully soft coat
of fur. It was rich and thick. Henry
awoke on a particularly wonderful day
and decided to go for a walk.

He went over to his dresser and

couldn't decide what shorts he should
wear. He loved his yellow shorts but
they had holes in them, his red shorts
they just looked to good and he ate them
before he could decided to put them on
but that was O.K because his favorite
color was blue. The blue shorts he put
on were the deepest, richest, most
vibrant blue you had seen. Henry was
ready for his walk!
 He started out at on a brisk run but
slowed down to admire the beauty of the
country side. While he was walking he
found a penny on the ground. It was
heads down but he didn't care he put it
on his back and they began to walk
together. The penny introduced himself
as Frank. They began to swap stories
with each other as they walked. Henry
told frank of shorts that he had eaten,
and grass that he had eaten and hay and
Frank notice that Henry ate a lot of
things.

Frank told Henry of how he had been

to Vegas and won people lots of money.
And how he almost drowned in a fountain
because someone was mean and threw him
in it. And how he had parachuted off of
the empire state building and almost
killed someone while falling. Henry was
very impressed.

After a long time of silence frank

said. “Henry I have something to tell
you.” Henry said “Frank you can tell me
anything you know that we have become
very close you and I.” after a long
pause Frank said. “Henry I'm not really
a penny. I'm so so sorry for lying to
you I'm really a nickel.”
 Henry couldn't believe it. He yelled
“Frank you bastard I'm allergic to
nickel!” Henry then began to have a
seizure and fell into a coma for many
years.

Twenty years later Henry awoke from

his coma and Frank was waiting at his
side. Frank said. “Henry I'm so glad you
are OK I'm sorry that I lied to you.
“It's alright I forgive you and I love
you.” said Henry. “I love you too” said
frank. Frank had been so upset that
Henry fell ill that he put himself into
a trust fund and had gathered a lot of
interest. A million dollars in fact.
They used the money to get married and
they live on a beautiful farm now and
Henry can go on his walks and Frank can
well just do nickel stuff.

-The end.
Points of Interest:
A Year Later

Most people know or believe that

time is relative. I am not going to
touch on who thought of this theory if
you know you know and if you don't then
if your bored look it up.

Its weird to me even knowing this

that a year to a child is so different
compared to a year as an adult. Its
still measured in days and months and
holidays, but instead of getting excited
for Christmas like I did when I was a
kid. I now find myself trying to figure
out where all the other months went and
where I am going to find money to get
things for people. A year just doesn't
seem like that big of a deal anymore to
me. Plus I don't like the new guy who
does the count down for the ball.

Its almost been a year now. Not

sense this book started. Not sense I had
the idea for this book. Its just almost
been a year from the day I keep thinking
about. I meet someone that day, my
friend meet someone too, my other friend
didn't but he was OK with it.
 That day brings up other days and
other days. I keep going back to that
person. I understand that it is to long
ago to really care. It is to long ago to
do anything. That one day though it was
a very good day.

As I've stated before this all

sounded much better in my head. Driving
home like a maniac to get this onto
paper I couldn't believe I had thought
to write it down. Now staring at this
blank piece of technology I am coming to
a blank and doubt.

I wanted to write down a song I had

been thinking of writing but never
actually tried to write. If that makes
any sense. I wanted some original
material no more; (received back in the
day) no more; (a letter from a really
long time ago) but something for this.
This thing that I am doing.

I wanted to tell that person what I

felt. How I thought about them sweating
and panting while they danced on a
different day that we hung out. About
how amazing it was to be there doing the
same thing.
 I wanted to show them and show you
the painting I have in my head that I've
wanted to paint for so long. I am now
realizing that won't actually happen.

The sad thing is I'm OK with it. I'm

OK with knowing I could do something
that could make me feel better but I
won't.

Sometimes I'd like to go back to

that day and just dance.

Sometimes I'd like to go back to

that day and not go up that hill.

Sometimes I'd like to go back to

that day and look the other way.

Sometimes I'd like to go back to

that day and not have my feet hurt so
much.

Sometimes I understand that it was

good that they hurt, and that I didn't
dance forever, and that I did go up that
hill, and that those fireworks caught my
attention.

Sometimes its good to not have a

time machine.
Points of Interest:

This book
This book is starting to feel like a
chore. I know that I need to work on it
and it needs to actually be finished,
but I don't want to rush anything. It
also feels like I'm starting a diary of
some sort. I wish this wasn't as
personal as its becoming but I can't
really help it.

Dear diary,

(TODAYS DATE)

Today I saw a cross walk sign that

was broken. It kept flashing the man
walking then the stop sign over and over
again about ever two seconds. It was
weird.
Points of Interest:

Porcelain.

I'm not really sure what it is but

it's my favorite word.

THE SECRET TO LIFE

Door hinge = Orange

That isn't the secret to life. I

just needed something to take up more
ink.
Points of Interest:

Emotions? (cont.)

Addiction:

Things I'm addicted to

-cigarettes
-music
-coffee
-soda
-not brushing my teeth
-lying

I am saving one final cigarette for

before I leave. Its a very fine one to.
Its about the same length and width as
most cigarettes. It doesn't have as much
ink on the actual paper as most. There
are some companies that ruin them by
typing their name all over it. It would
be understood if you bought the pack you
would know what your smoking. Whens the
last time you looked at a cigarette
someone was smoking to find out what it
was?
 They don't make them anymore. The
cigarette I'm keeping that is. Its very
rare. I don't think it will taste
special when I smoke it. I don't think
that it will make me feel better about
where I'm going. I can imagine myself
smoking it though. I've smoked them
before. Its nothing special. I just keep
it. In its box next to my microwave. Its
safe there waiting, waiting for the
night before I leave.

I won't say goodbye to it. I won't

cry when I smoke it. I'll think well
that was a good cigarette I can't wait
to smoke a different kind tomorrow
morning before I go. Its something I
don't need to do but will. I'll be
surrounded by people drinking. I'm sure
some of them won't know why there
drinking. Some of them won't know where
I'm going. Most won't care.

I hope there is a fire. I hope there

is a big swing on the top of some far
away hill I can climb up to. I'll sit
there and smoke my last cigarette and
feel good about life. That won't
actually happen.
 Maybe I'll forget about that one
last stick of tobacco and leave without
it. I'll think about it while I'm gone
and know that it will probably be gone
if I come back. I'd still like that
swing.

I once took a picture of a fire. The

embers looked like a galaxy millions of
miles away. Unreachable, it looked
almost unattainable, but I had captured
it on my camera to look at whenever I
wanted. I could put it in a box and look
at it without people knowing. It was
mine.

About a year later someone showed me

a picture they had took of a fire and
the embers looked like a galaxy. I
laughed and felt a bit bad for laughing
at them. I have no idea where my picture
went to.

I hope it makes a difference if I

smoke that cigarette now or later.
Things I'm addicted to

-cigarettes
-music
-coffee
-soda
-not brushing my teeth
-lying

<<<<<<<<<<Audio file not found>>>>>>>>>>

I've written a lot of songs. I've

had a lot of bands. I've never shown
anyone any except for a few people that
just smiled and nodded there heads.

I really haven't been the type to

share things until now and I believe
that is the main reason why I don't play
anything for anyone. I hope to break
that with this book.
\\\This has been eating away at me
And its making it hard to breathe
But I know
I'm in the best of company

Eating me whole
Breaking me and my soul
But I swear I will hold on

Aqualung can you hear me

I will not drown I'm sorry
I don't need an iron lung
I can not walk
I can run

I am a family man
I am a family man
Put your helmet on
And take my hand in yours
If I am to die tonight
It will not be in vain
Look in the mirror to explain

I am not sorry to be hurt

I've lived so many years to the best
I lie here with nothing to regret

So put your best clothes on

It's my time to go
and I'm ready to live again
As long as you know
It was all worth it
To be loved by you
It was all worth it
Though my time here is through

We've been told to live our lives

As long as we can
But it's the quality
Not the quantity
that makes the man.

So put your best clothes on

And say a few words of mine
I've lived so many years to the best
My time to say goodbye
(written for my grandfather)

I don't know why I do the things I

do. I don't know why I am the way I am.
Things I'm addicted to

-cigarettes
-music
-coffee
-soda
-not brushing my teeth
-lying

It would seem that if I was addicted

to coffee and soda that not brushing my
teeth would be bad thing. I think I've
gotten to the point in my life that I
don't care. Its not that I'm to busy. I
could find the time. Its not that I
don't care about how I look because it
bugs me everyday. I just don't care
enough to try.

My teeth are falling out. Well not

completely but its hard to keep my
addiction to coffee and soda. Honestly
with me knowing this why can't I do
something about it? That isn't a
rhetorical question. I don't know the
answer and would like to.

My roof leaks. The fan is to loud.

My clock is unbelievable loud at night.
My head hurts and I'm dirty. I still
have soda though.
Things I'm addicted to

-cigarettes
-music
-coffee
-soda
-not brushing my teeth
-lying

I lie to myself the most. Writing

this book has been difficult because I
had to think about stories to see if
they were actually true. That doesn't
mean that there aren't stories that I
know are true that I'm going to share.
Some just aren't important.

I lie to my friends. I tell them

stories that aren't true and its not
even to impress them. They will ask me
about my day and I will just tell them
something completely false but
plausible. I don't even think about it.
I make things up in my head and I think
I often get the real and the imaginary
confused.
Things I have lied about in my life:

-About looking at the Christmas presents

early
-About the pot
-About trying to avoid a dog being the
reason I hit that snow bank
-About what I did today
-About this book to other people
-About playing doctor in preschool
-About not doing my homework
-About where the money really went
-About how much drugs I've really done
-About the reason why I'm going away
-Anything I've said to a girlfriend
-About how her dog went to heaven
-About the hole in the wall
-About the stain on the carpet
-About being popular to people
-About my age
-About my mother and father
-About the underwear in my car
-About what I was doing down that road
at that time of night
-About how many times I had thought
about cheating on her
-About not knowing she had a boyfriend
-About how not killing yourself is
always the right answer
-About how I said I would cry if they
died
-About how I never smoked when I was
younger
-About how I think pot is OK to do
sometimes
-About how much responsibility I have at
work
-About how proud I am of this
-About how I didn't know where her shirt
was
-About how I don't know where that video
game went
-About how I never pee in pools
-About how I've never seen anyone dead
-About how I'm not scared to leave
-About how I don't want this to be
published
-About how good I am at guitar
-About how much money I really owe to
people
-About how I don't know where the dents
came from
-About the tattoos that people still
don't know about
-About how it wasn't my fault the W key
is broken
-About how I don't miss her
-or her
-or her
-or her
-or her
-or even her
-About how I sleep through the night
-About how I don't try to go away early
-About how I really care how everyone
feels and that I want to help them
-About what time I need to go into work
-About how I like working where I do
-About how my knee doesn't hurt anymore
-About how I don't want it to be mine
-About how I don't want to live
somewhere else
-About how good of a singer I am
-About how I want to quite smoking
-About how I didn't know she was telling
the truth
-About how I like the taste of tea
-About how sometimes its nice to just be
alone
-About how I bite my nails
-About how I never want to talk
-About how I don't feel alone
-About how I'm always happy
-About how I never ever want anyone to
read this
-About a lot of things is what I'm
trying to say
 (a conversation I made for the two
dinosaurs on the dashboard)

Cast:

Henry : a stegosaurus that looks like he

is constantly yelling or roaring in
disbelief I'm not really sure which.

Not named : I do not know what kind of

dinosaur this one is I call them the
monk dinosaurs. He has a bone structure
on his head that makes him look balding.
He stands on two feet and his hands are
making the gesture as if he was showing
you how long something was. Ex. (I
caught a fish this big!)

Not named: Yeah so I would say my dick

is about this big.

Henry: NO FUCKING WAY MAN! IT CAN'T BE

THAT BIG! THATS REDICULOUS!

Not named: Do you think the girls will

laugh at me?

Henry: I CAN'T BELIVE IT MAN! UGH YOU

ARE SO LUCKY.
Not named: You hear about that asteroid
that is supposed to be coming soon?

Henry: FORGET THAT ASTERIOD SHIT MAN

THAT AINT TRUE! ANYWAY LISTEN AM I GOING
TO SEE YOU AT THE VOLCANO ON FRIDAY? MAN
ITS SUPPOSED TO BE AWSOME. I CAN'T
BELIVE IT. HEY! IF YOU SEE PTERIDACTAL
YOU LET HIM KNOW I WANT MY TWENTY BUCKS!

Not named:...

Henry: HEY LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. HOW

DO YOU STAND ON TWO LEGS?

I don't really know what to do with any

of this.
Points of Interest:

Childhood

It feels good to overcome things you

couldn't do in childhood. I just wanted
to point this fact out. It does feel
good.

Honest opinion:

Girls make good alarm clocks

I don't work as much as I should

Superheros should retire

Most things are pointless but need

to be done

That doesn't make any sense

(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
 (walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)
(walk)
(don'twalk)

(dontwalk)(walk)(dontwalk)(walk)(dontwalk)(walk)
Points of interest:

The end of the end of the end of the

beginning of the end of the end of the
end of the end of the end.

I'm tired of this. I want it to be

over with but if I finish it that means
I have to do something with it. I
highlight all of this and just hover
over the delete button. Its not like my
fingers ache, or my back hurts from
being hunched over a typewriter, or that
I'm broke from buying ink ribbons. No I
wrote it on a computer in my spare time.
This has nothing to do with anyone else
but me.

So would the world end if I deleted

all of this? No it wouldn't, but would I
be able to live with myself? Yes, yes I
would. A few people have read this and
it isn't something life changing. Its
nothing to run to the hills and scream
from at the top of your lungs that
everyone needs this in there lives.
(LETTERS FORGOTTEN BUT NEVER LOST>))
HERE FOR READER ENJOYMENT>

Dear Smoker,

I didn’t need one but I asked for it

to open the conversation. You gave me
one and it tasted like shit, but I was a
man and smoke so it didn’t matter. We
were with friends but I wanted them to
leave. You looked bored. I thought you
were everything I needed.

I don’t even remember your name, I

don’t remember the type of cigarette it
was. I do remember your look, your
essence, the way you were jaded and
loved it. I loved you for exactly seven
hours. I loved how you hated the world
and didn’t want to have anything to do
with it. I hated it with you because I
wanted to be yours. I think I told you
my name.
 We ate, we smoked , we broke things.
We were rebels because thats what
everyone else was doing. We played spin
the bottle with vodka because being
young was stupid and the best way we
knew how to make fun of it was by acting
that way. We kissed. You tasted horrible
but I pretended you didn’t. I closed my
eyes I think you rolled yours.

After the game was done you took me

off to the side in some shit room. There
was a bed but we went to the couch. We
were drunk. You felt around and we took
half of our clothes off because we
couldn’t figure out how to take the rest
off. I still to this day don’t know
who’s house we were at. You fucked me, I
made love. Or at least what I thought to
be it at the moment. When you were done
you gave me another cigarette and walked
away. I didn’t smoke it.

I threw it out and lit up my own.

Your hair was a mess but it looked the
same as when I saw you earlier. I hated
you. Your stupid over sized sweatshirt
with thumb holes. I bet you don’t even
know anyone who went to Ohio State. Your
a liar. You were what I wanted.
 I walked outside of the room and
people stared. I think you moved on to
someone else I thought I recognized your
hair under someone else on the floor. I
had my friends drive me home. We
listened to shitty music and they
laughed and sang. I just stared at the
street lights. Fuck you for making me do
those things. Even though I wanted them
so badly. It’s easier to blame you. I
take it back no fuck yous. I didn’t even
know you. You didn’t know me. It is over
and done with. I can still taste it
sometimes. That damn cigarette. I should
have just smoked my own.
Dear Lost Soul,

We met a few times. We kissed on a

bet. We then kissed on a bet but we were
much older. You’d never know how fast I
drove back when you said it. Then we
didn’t really talk. We talked but
nothing to much into what we thought,
wanted to do, felt, needed. No what do
you want to do when you grow up? What
made you want to do that?

More. What’s your favorite color?

Band? Movie? We went through the
motions. We watched movies then we
stopped. Everything all together.

We met again and laid on the grass.

Got dirty looks from people that didn’t
understand we were in a college town and
they should get used to kids. I told you
I was getting a jeep, and a bike and
movie. I told you I was so interesting
but I am not.
 You were my last roll of film. My
shitty little toy camera I didn’t know
how to use. Still don’t never got around
to it. Never had the time but so is
life. We sat on your bed. We listened to
songs joked about how we kissed on a
bet. You smiled and it was. It was
beautiful and I never told you. I still
haven’t because you’ll never get this
note.

I leave soon and your life will move

on. Someday you will realize how much
art you have in it. How powerful your
pen and brush are and the world will
listen and stop and understand. When
that day happens come find me. Come and
hold my hand one last time. Not as my
girl, not as a friend, not as a
stranger, but as a human being that has
learned what it is capable of.

We were lost back then and we didn’t

know how to say goodbye. These words
don’t seem to be able to encompass you
but I’m not trying to get you on paper.
That would be impossible. I’m not trying
to get how I feel about you on paper
either that isn’t words. I guess you
give me hope. If you’d like a word.
 Hope for us as people. I know that
is a lot of responsibility. You’ll never
know it. As long as your smile stays
true and your laugh is still so heart
felt. I will always know someone will be
happy. Who ever is around you.

So here is to the coffee, the grass

that was soft, the kisses, the pale
legs, the over sized bed, the film roll.
Here is to young young feelings of being
lost and trying to make sense of things
to quickly. Here is to youth and the
fact that we had lost it, but figured
out its something worth working for.
Dear High School Crush,

From the moment I met you I knew I

wanted to be with you and after a while
I felt like I needed to be. I was
infatuated with being yours and it was
horrible. We went to prom. I went as
your friend you went as my date even if
you didn't know. At some point things
got twisted and we never really sat down
and talked about it. Talked about that
kiss, or about our constant hand
holding. It all just fell to the side
like it wasn't actually happening and
thats why I'm writing you this letter.

I asked you a few time but you

politely said no. You were always so
kind to me. I was there for you to come
to and cry. To talk about him and how
you don't want to be together anymore.
About how he treats you. I welcomed it
because I loved you. I think you always
took my advice the wrong way. I wasn't
talking to you as someone who wanted to
be with you but just as a concerned
friend. Maybe if I had said that you
would of listened better or at all.
 It didn't help any that he treated
you like shit and all I wanted to give
to you was the world. Hearing what he
did just built me up more. Because I
KNEW I would be better than him and one
day you would see that and it would all
be right. This though is not a fairy
tale.

You had him for four years. I had a

lot of girls. I would give up on you,
then come running back over and over
again. You would say no and I would find
another girl. That would show you! What
that was I couldn't tell you.

For awhile after that we never

really spoke like we used to. We would
have the occasional meet up. The “How
are things? Good. Good. How is he? Oh
you know same old same old. Haha tell me
about it. OK talk to you in a few
months” but it was nothing like it was
in the beginning.

You're leaving him soon you told me

you are finally doing it. The day I've
been waiting for, for the seven years
I've known you and how do I feel? I miss
my friend.
 It took a long time but finally I
can say I just want to be there with
you. I want to buy you a beer, laugh and
just talk about the old times. I value
our friendship or at least the one we
had more than some high school fairytale
from a prom date, a few longing looks
and a rainy night.

So don't look for me with roses

anymore. Don't look for me to slowly
move my hand onto yours to see what
happens. Please don't look at me the way
I used to look at you.

We have that awkward kiss and all

the times we won't tell anyone. Lets
leave whatever romance we had at that.
This all died along time ago. At some
point we needed to hang up this thing
we've had for a decade just neither of
us really knew how or if it was anything
at all. I'm just as surprised that this
is coming from me as I'm sure you are.
Who knows what the next years hold. Be
my friend and we'll find out together.
 If you ever need a heart to hold
you've had mine the whole time. If you
ever need a hand its always there. I've
always tried to be there for you as
something more than I needed to be. Now
I want to offer to you what we had in
the beginning.
Dear Cigarettes,

I have been with you for far to

long. The fact that I bummed an entire
pack of “shitty” ones for tomorrow
should be enough proof. I don't even
enjoy the taste of you at the moment yet
I need you. Yes I understand what
addiction is. You don't need to bring
that up.

At some point in my life you seemed

like a good idea. At this point you are
more than second nature. You are not
just a second thought you are apart of
me.

All of this seemed much better in my

head but when it's on paper it just
seems like I am someone who doesn't
understand addiction.

I do understand addiction.
Let me say that again.
I do understand addiction.
 I thought this would help me in
someway to figure out why I smoke or
started or still do. The facts are
simple though. When I was thirteen it
was a thing the older kids did so I
joined in. I absolutely hated it. I mean
I really fucking hated it but we all
know young kids are dumb and
impressionable and I was no exception.

I still smoke because of what

cigarettes are supposed to do. Help you
with stress, calm your nerves, wake you
up, make beer taste better. I'm getting
to the point where I do it even if it
works or not.

Its gotten to the point where it's

one before bed, then one while I lay
down, then one to help my back so I can
sleep, then one so I can wake up, then
one to wake me up after I wake up, one
before I start my day, one before a
mission, one during a mission. You see
the pattern right? That isn't even
listing the ones I have in between
those. Everything is stressful and that
requires a smoke.

Even this damn “letter” is stressful

and its to an inanimate object. Fuck.
 As it is with me this things seemed
like a good idea at the beginning and
now I don't know how I feel about it.
That goes for a lot of things in my
life.

This is just going off into

something completely different and
cigarettes think they are getting away
without a letter.

Well fuck you cigarettes. Fuck you.

I know whole heartedly I will go smoke
one after this “letter” is done, but I
don't want to well I don't need to.

Some things in life we don't need to

do but we do anyway. We do it because
we're told not to, some do it because
they feel left out, some do it because
they feel they will not be complete
without it. Addiction is a dangerous
thing and doesn't just include
cigarettes.

We all need our fix of things. I

just can't seem to understand why I
can't stop mine. Maybe I don't
understand addiction.
Dear Little Black Box,

I miss your click. I miss trying to

load you and doing it all wrong because
I had no clue what I was really doing.
Still don't but you never cared. I miss
how much you loved black and white. You
never judged me and loved it when we
took walks. Even if it was to the store
down the road.

You were cheap and knew it. That's

what I loved about it. Ever imperfection
made you, you. At some points I think
you had more personality than I did. We
were inseparable. Click. Crick crick
crick. Thats all you could really say
but it was enough to keep a conversation
going. We loved all the same things.

You could see things so much better

than I could but I kept you around for
your company. You had a beautiful body
meant for my hands only. Your
personality and voice could make the
most dull things beautiful. You had
thicker skin than you let on. I roughed
you up a few times by accident but you
never got mad. Even when I scratched
your eye. You laughed it off and said.
Click. Crick crick crick.
 Our time was so short together and I
had to go far away. We said our goodbyes
and we had one last go at it. Went to
all our old spots, looked at our
favorite staircase. Read the graffiti we
had become fond of. It was all over to
quick and I had to leave. I wanted to
bring you. Really I did. I just thought
it wasn't a place for you. You had the
power of helping me remember everything
I wanted to and I didn't want to
remember the things I had to see.

I came back to visit for a bit. I

didn't see you right away and I thought
you'd understand. When I went to the
place I left you. Safe and secure and
you had left. I don't know what it was I
did to make you run away but I'm sorry.
Maybe it wasn't where I put you but I
was upset so I went out and bought a
bigger and better you. It tried to talk
like you but it was to metallic. To fake
and way to much into instant
gratification. Never felt the same.
 Where ever you are I hope your
making someone as happy as you did me.
Maybe I didn't pick you up from that
park we went to the day before I left.
Maybe a friend borrowed you while I was
gone. Whatever you are doing. I still
hope you say the same funny things to
those you're with. I will always
remember your wise words. Click. Crick
crick crick.

((END OF LETTERS))
 The fact that sometimes I write in
big letters or I press tab to many times
because my fingers are to big doesn't
make this special. The fact that this
has a lot of things that most people
don't know about me doesn't make it
special. If I had put my full name and
social in this it would have the same
effect. You pick it up and go oh this is
him and this is his number I didn't know
that. You would put it down and go on
with your lives.

So the real question is. Why am I

doing this?

The answer is as much for me as it

is for you. If you have spent the time
to read this don't you think its fair to
know? There are no antagonists or
protagonists. No plot. No big spin. No
big secret at the end. This isn't part
of some huge trilogy. They won't make a
movie about this book.

Unfortunately I can't really answer

the question. I'm sure deep down in me I
could find out why, but I don't want to
know. I've fought the urge to not delete
this and I will see where it goes.
 I can't tell you the amount of times
I've said this book is for me then said
it was for you and then said it was for
me. I'm sorry about that I don't really
know what this is.

I can leave you with the fact that I

wrote this for you as much as for me. It
has been a long conversation with a
bright screen.
This is to all the hands I won't hold, all the
weddings I won't attend and all the hearts I
haven't broken yet.

This is for anyone. Anywhere. I

could care less who you are or what you
do for a living. What color you are or
what your opinions of life and love are.
This is mine. My own. I want to share it
with you. Burn this. Throw it away.
Share it with you friends. Steal it. Buy
a bunch of copies so no one else can
read it. Whatever you do with this. What
ever you take out of it do it for
yourself.
 It doesn't matter what anyone else
takes away from it. Its what you. Yes
you. Your pointing at yourself. Now your
not. Now you are again. Now your reading
this sentence. YES YOU! You the one with
the face and the eyes breathing. You.
Its what you take away from it. Its your
life. Take something.
(Movie for this book)

Camera pans down to a shitty

apartment. Soda bottles and coffee cups
are scattered around almost placed
perfectly. In between them are half
smoked and full smoked cigarettes dead
on the table and floor looking as if
they had died in a great nicotine battle
of the century.

There is a young kid sitting on a

old couch that looks like good will
would turn it down. There are about the
same amount of stains on the top of the
cushions than the bottom ones. The sides
have been scratched by cats of all
kinds. There are enough lighters, socks,
change and underwear in the couch to
start a small coin store that sells
lighters, socks and underwear.
 The young kid has the same shirt on
that he has for about a week. He has no
socks on because he can't find a clean
pair. He is still wearing his military
issued glasses because he is to lazy to
buy a new pair. Secretly he just likes
them.

There is a cigarette in the corner

of his mouth that if you had seen him
before you would think was just a
permanent fixture on his body. He has
his I pod repeating the same 5 songs
that it has been playing for the past
couple of months. He keeps cleaning the
ash off of his computer because he
doesn't realize that he hasn't taken a
drag for about 5 minutes and half of the
cigarette is just a long piece of ash.

(end movie)

Doesn't that just sound exciting? No

it doesn't I know.
 It has come to my attention that I
never actually wrote the last letter to
people that I wanted to tell them
something. I think I am going to make
this the last letter. Not this paragraph
not this last couple of pages but this
book.

Please go back the the beginning of

this book and put 8 out of 8 at the top
of the first sentence thank you.

I keep thinking of things to add to

different rants I have through out this
thing. I think that if I keep doing this
it will never end. I will present this
to you now as it is in its whole. No
more editing no more fixing.

For a while I just wanted more pages

so it felt like something real. That
doesn't matter though.
 I have called this a book. I have
called this a thing, or just a thing. I
will now provide you somethings and you
can decide for yourself.

Book: N.
1. A written or printed work of
fiction or non fiction, usually
on sheets of paper fastened or
bound together within covers.
2. A number of sheets of blank or
ruled paper bound together for
writing, recording business
transactions, ect.
3. Anything that serves for the
recording of facts or events.

Novel: N.
1. A fictitious prose narrative of
considerable length and
complexity, portraying
characters and usually
presenting a sequential
organization of action and
scenes.
Memoir: N.
1. A record of events written by a
person having intimate
knowledge of them and based on
personal observation.
2. An account of one's personal
life and experiences.

Song: N.
1. A short metrical composition
intended or adapted for
singing, especially one in
rhymed stanzas; a lyric;
ballad.
2. A musical piece adapted for
singing or simulating a piece
to be sung.
3. Poetical composition; poetry.
4. The art or act of singing;
vocal music
5. An elaborate vocal signal
produced by an animal, as the
distinctive sounds produced by
certain birds, frogs, ect., in
courtship or territorial
display.
Poem: N.
1. A verbal composition designed
to convey experiences, ideas,
or emotions in a vivid and
imaginative way, characterized
by the use of language chosen
for its sound and suggestive
power and by the use of
literacy techniques such as
meter, metaphor, and rhyme.

Letter: N.
1. A written or printed
communication addressed to a
person or organization and
usually transmitted by mail.

I don't think that this falls into

all of those categories and I don't
think that it should. I don't know what
to call it so you pick yourself. Maybe
what it is isn't in that list. I hope
you have scribbled in this book. Draw
little balls bouncing in the bottom of
the pages to make a flip book. This is
yours. This is mine.
 This whole thing I guess you can
call it a letter. It is to you. The
world. I'm just someone who wanted to
say hello. I keep wanting to restate
myself over and over again because I'm
afraid to stop typing. I'm afraid to put
this down. A friend once told me
“Finished books are still a work in
progress.” That scares me. I'd like to
walk away from this knowing I did
everything I wanted. I know that is
impossible.

So to all of you I will not say

goodbye. I will not say anything like
that. I hope nothing. I'm going to stop
now. All I hope is that you hope.

With all of anything that I have

that I can give:

Jake the janitor

Jake the lesbian
Jacob Careful
Pumpkin
Foxtrot
Felton
Jacob Levi Felton
Anyone
 Epilogue:
\

So its been almost a year since I

really worked on this thing and I've
just skimmed over it. I am not a fan.
Nothing is a lie in this but it just
seems so eh.

Nothing much has changed. I'm not

with her anymore, or her, or her, or
her. So it goes.

I don't live in the same place

anymore and its almost my time to
finally leave. The closer it gets the
more loose ends I feel as though I need
to tie. I don't think the world would
end if I didn't but it bothers me so
much.

My throat still hurts from all the

damn cigarettes and I still bite my
nails.

I do brush my teeth now though.

I think I'll come back in once piece

but if I am the same person is a totally
different thing.
 To all the people I've been with or
seen or ever talked to thank you. I'm
not really sure what for, but I know I
mean it.

This really is just a huge cluster

fuck of thoughts. Its nice to read back
and laugh at myself though. Once I wrote
a letter and I want to share it with
you.
Dear ,

I wanted to spell your name but for

some reason I remembered how you spelled it on you
bank account. I don't know it was weird. On
another note this page looks huge to me because
I'm so used to the book format its like I'm
writing on a huge wall for some reason. I'm going
to miss you a lot you have no idea. I'm taking the
password off of this so you can write me letters
on this to give your hands a break. You don't need
to but know its there. Also if your bored you can
take notes on my book thing and have a whole month
full of questions or comments on it that would be
nice. I hope you write me a big long letter every
day I'm gone. I know I wont get them but it will
be nice to look forward to when I come home and
maybe it will help you missing me. Its only 504
hours till I come home. I'm not to worried about
it. Its going to suck a lot and I want to cry
because your not here right now but you don't need
to apologize for it. For some reason I just get
this horrible feeling in my stomach because I
can't go to sleep without you. Its going to be
hard to not have you at night time. Its going to
be hard not being able to pinch and bite you
whenever I want. But the thing thats going to be
the hardest is that I don't get to look at you and
how beautiful you are when I'm gone. God ill miss
your smile and your laugh and your voice and your
hair and your body and your arms and your warmth
at night and your stupid little face you make when
you want to be sad but you cant. That gets me
every time. And I realize that I want to be with
you for a long long time. I know that we have this
bullshit relationship thing but I know I like you
a lot. One of those reasons is because I get so
mad that you talk to other guys because we aren't
technically dating and I get scared. We need to
have a serious talk about our status when I come
home. I'd like to call you my girlfriend but I
don't think right before I go to Cali is a good
time to do this. A lot of the times when I start
to like girls a lot I look at them and figure out
what makes them ugly. And what I hate about them.
So I wont like them anymore. I've tried to do this
with you not like thinking about it but it will
happen and I cant find one thing. I hope you
understand that this is a compliment in a very
weird way. You are the perfect thing to me. I
can't get over the fact that we have only known
each other for the short time we have. I feel like
we have been together forever. Oh by the way my
favorite part of the note was when you told me you
would miss my smirk. Because it was nice that you
have taken the time to notice the small things I
do. I liked that a lot. I will miss you more than
all the horses miss their horns because they used
to be unicorns. Its cute that you just texted me
and said heck. This is very very very very very
small lettering. I did this so you would maybe get
mad that this is only one page but really its
huge. Anyway sometimes I want to say I love you
and it freaks me out. I know I don't yet thats
ridiculous but I just wanted to tell you that. I
could see that happening with you and it doesn't
bug me at all. Not one bit. And thats scares the
hell out of me.

Please be ready for me when I come home.

 So she got the letter, she did write
me letters while I was gone, and I did
love her. I'm not sure why I am showing
this to you or who you are.

For some reason out of all the

things I have shared that one letter
bugs me the most that it is in here.
Thats while I will keep it here.

The point is that this was the first

time I hadn't lied to a girl constantly.
Did it work out?

No. \\

Does that matter?

Not anymore.

Sometimes you need to try at

something and fail to get it into your
head that you can even try. At some
point my life will be where it needs to
be. If I knew that I don't think I'd be
as happy. It's not with her and its not
here.
 At some point in time people come to
the realization that life only matters
if you give a shit. Sitting there going
from person to person waking up, washing
up, going to work, playing videos games,
taking showers, coming back, watching
TV, rinse then repeat isn't it.
For me at least.

God I'm preachy and

for that I'm Sorry.

I just have a lot still I want to

say. To who? For what reason? Time will
tell I guess. Its just in me to get out.

I am not the sad little puppy I was

in the beginning of this book. That
doesn't change what I thought or what I
believe. It just changes how I act.

If you can call it that.

If any of that even make sense.

 This is my
statement of existence and the proof is
in the print.

Everything has a story, whether you

know the story is completely different.
So never be afraid to ask.

I feel as though I am trying to give

the answers to everything. We all ka no
that is impossible.

I am scared to go. I am scared to

pull the trigger. I am scared to live
with that choice for the rest of my life
but I will live my life.

I'm not sure if this that last

statement is a statement or me just
reassuring myself that it will happen.
 I know none of these letters really
mean anything to anyone but me. For some
reason though I feel like sharing them.
I don't think they really help the cause
of this. I don't think that this does
either but now you know.

I want to write something like an

epiphany to show that I am a different
person. I just can't seem to find the
words though.

All I can really say is.

I am happy for the moment and I hope

you are to.

Will I be tomorrow? Who the fuck knows.

I will be here tomorrow though and I

will be able to tell you then. Thats the
fucking point. I think.