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Unhanu at Last

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SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking
By Pregnant Women May Result in Feîal
Injury Premature Birth And Low Birth Weiqht
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 I
THE COVER
Photographed by Carolyn Joncs
(body) and Pccr MOOn!PICtU Giup

J
(Trumps head). Retouchng by Thc
Resouchoblos. Styled by Borbora Tfank.

GREATEXPECTATIONS .

NAKED Ciî
What does Fernando Ferrer know about the Bronx thai we don't? Henry Kravi.cc bid/or ciilture,Joe McGin-
nith research troubles and BillyJoeh sad song. The maladies of the major leagues, from Lenny Dy1rtra .ryndrorne
to Billy Martin's disease. Hitler lives - 24 ho#rs a day. on cable television. PIns: Initiation rites at The Times,
and the bottoni line on Pantheonr new executive editor in Books. Don/ile-plus: an exclusive epistolary exposeÇ in
which Vanity Fairy Tina Brown ihows that where ultra-agent Mike Ovitz is concerned, flattery
may get you ____________ somewhere .....................................
PARTY Poor ...............

F 4%r Li I

CRYBABIES' CAVALCADE
(I
The old-fashioned virtues of losing gracefullyshaking hands,
pvfering a Life Saver andgood-naturedly saying Getcha next time, sport's are lost
on the poaty, volatile likes of Sting, Richard Nixon. Lee and Sean Young.
Waaahhh!!J0sEPH MALG,1RINI and KxrE McD0WF!.L round up a nursery's worth
ofpreeminent tantrum throwers and excuse-makers, some of whom are destined to
respond with wounded. cranky. self-serving letters ..........................
You WON'T HAVE TRICKY DON TO KIcK AROUND ANYMORE
CRYBABIES II:
. What does the future hold in store for a forner billionaire?
Bankruptcy? Substantial weightgain? An ex-wife in the Czech parliament? A line ofgroomingproducts, per-
haps? JAìwiF MtLANowSKl assembles a prophetic scrapbook biography of Donald hump, an eighties kind
ofguy lost in a nineties kind ofworld .................................
Is THERE AN EDITOR IN THE HOUSE?
Your left indexfinger hasjust been severed in a tragic boating accident. Do you call 911? No you call
a glossy Fnagazine audjoin the swelling ranks ofwriters who havefèlt compelled to share with us their vivid, first-person
accounts ofcesarean sections, dysfunctional penises, faulty bowels, vaginalfever loose .scalp flaps and more! ELIzA BF'liI
RoY-!E. who once experienced a ,nild allergic reaction to a bee sting, andfoHN 111I%N, a frequent sunburn victim,

examine the current vogue for personal-affliction journalism ...................

Nor YET Too RICH, Nor QUITE Too THIN
Nikki Haskell, club/and curi-
I. osity ofyesteryear seemed destined to while away her life in Third-Rate-Celebrity
Hell. But then she hatched the idea ofmarketing expensive, awful-smelling diuretic
diet pills to overweight rich people. The results, saysfENNEr CONANT, have inched
Haskell ever closer to . . . semi-importance! ........................ Q
àI,Ì.
w w HENRY "DUTCH" HOLLAND5IumbIeJ upon a sid.esplittingpavdy ofman'sfavorite periodical in Review of
Reviewers; in Politics. DAvID ARONSON and DAvID KAMPJigure outjzist how Washington right-wingers
I. and Eurosleaze operatives nearly forced the Bush administration to commit a major boner on South Africa's
behalfi and ROBYN KEI.LEY introduces us to Len)Jacoby and (Steve,) Meyers, two wild andcrazy bargain-
basement advocates ofihe Law ........................ Q
OUR UN-BRITISH CROSSWORD PUZZLE

BY ROY BL0uNTJR.... Q
o THESPYINDEX
spy (ISSN 0890.1759) is published monthly by Spy Publishing Prtncrs.
...............

SPY Building, 5 Union Square West, New York. N.Y. 10003. Submissions:
Send with SASE io same address. For aclvcuising sales. call 212-633.6550. © 1990 by Spy Publishing Partners, L.P S«ond-class postage paid at New York. N.Y..

u and addttional mailing oflkcs. Annual subscription rases: U.S. and possessions. $19.95; Canada. U.S.$30; loreign. IJ.S.$40. Postmaster: Please send address
chattges to SPY, PO. Box 57397. Boulder. CO 80321-7397. For subscription information, call I.8OO.333.8l28.Member, Audit Bureau o(Circulacions.
DO YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOWANYTHING MORE?
THE 1991 ALFA ROMEO SPIDER.

l-800-245-ALFA

The legendary marque ol high performance.

 Photographer HARRY BENsoN,
whose portrait of Nikki r'-
Haskell appears in this issue, E. Grodor, Cotcr Kut Ander,en

.
.overflows with ideas. This is
in contradistinction to his na-
0K'
.
: .

Thomos L Phillips ir.

PUBlIShER
----1f
' tivc Scotland, a country that SIsvs.i Sckrogls
PUBLIShING DIRECTK)R
in its 3,989 years of existence has come up
with only one fabric design. Benson - who reg- Susoii Moithon
ularly shoots for Lijand Vanity Fairand whose EXECUTIVE EDITOR
u. w, Hoonycvtt
contributing editorship to siv begins with this ART DIRECTOR

issue - is currently the subject of a one-man Inics Hondy

FEATORES EDITOR

retrospective in Glasgow (at Christie's, 164 Bath Mini. MOIQnOWBIII

NATIONAL EI)IIOR
Street). "lts good to have a show in your birth- LO,TOInI Code,noito,i
MANAGI4G EDITOR
place' says Benson. "Likejesus said (more or
G.ørge Kologarokis
less), A prophet is never appreciated in his SENIOR 'XRII I k

Joanna Gaubir James Collins

hometown:" SENIOR EI)ITORS
Coron W.inor
(HILE (IF RESEARCH

Although Roï BLOUNT JR. has

.
been devising his Un-British
Mohtliw Weingordun Josiph Moalooni Oithtloon ICuypers
Crossword Puzzle for sp since COPY ChUlEE DEPUTY EDITOR ASSOCIATE ART DIRECTOR
Judy Si.mms Konnan Uuul
.
the first issue, he has never ASSU.TANT ART l)IRE(TORS

been embraced by his fellow Rach.l Urquhort Hsnry AIfORd Moitin Kiha Horrid Borovick
REPORTERS ASSISThNT EDITORS
- ,
crossword writers, and frankly, Morion Iossn*sld NiCki Gostin
ASSOCIATE PRODUCTION LI)ITOR SENIOR PHOTO RESEAR< FIER
Blount is a little . . . nettled. "lt's not as if! would (lissa Schoppill Døvid Koinp
Michael Hoin.r John Brodia
embarrass them at their luncheons or anything' EDIIORIAL AsSISTMrs
he says in a voice edged with all the hurt and Tod H.II« Windy Dombo Wsndall Smith
l'ibiD ASSISTANTS RESEARCHER

Liso Wu Wondi Williams

RESEARCH ÁSS!0ANT
L. L Vondepooi
COPY EI)ITI)Ih
frustration ofhis nose-pressed-to-the-glass ex-
Aniso Walki, Ch..yl Solimini ion. Loronger
istence. "And I wouldn't expect full privileges:' (OPY ASSD1ANIS
Bo,bro Hotr.m.lng Cathy Clarke
Fortunately, Blounts first novel, First Hubby ART ASSIS1ANTS

(Villard), has been selling well since June. Woher MOntiatE"

Refreshingly, JEP4NET CONANT
is seeking the approval neither
Andy Aaron, Soro Borren, Jock Barth, Harry B,nson. Roy Blouni ir., Celia Brady, Chris Collis. Mocouloy Censor.
of her place of birth nor of
Eugene T Maleska. "Just don't
MEsÇENGER)CRITIC AI IAR(,I
And,eo Rider Washington) D.boroh Michel (Los Angales)
CORRESPONDES I'
Bruce Feirsl&n, Friedmon Tod Friend. Jomes Gront. Rondi Hachar. Poter Haffernan, John Holpern,
bey Handro, Lynn Hirschbrrg, Ann Hodgnion, Henry Holland. J. J. Hunsecker, Williom Joyce. Eric Koplon,
Howard Koplon, Jackie Koufrnon, Meuh Koylon. Goof Kern, Mimi Kramer, Mark Losswell, T. S. Lord, Bob Mock,
Guy Marlin, Potty Mors, Polricb McMullon, Mark O'Donnell. David Ow,n, C. F. Payne. loo Queenon.

I.I print my home phone num-

ber' requested Conant, who is
a columnist for The New York Observer (755-
St,o Rodlauor, Paul Rudnick, Lic Sante, John Seabrook, Harry Shearer. Rondoll Short, Paul Simms. Paul Slonsky,
Richard Stengel, Eddie Stern, Jo Slocklon, Toki, Jomes Traub. Nicholas von Hoflmon, Ellis Weiner.
Philipp. Weisbecknr Philip Wiss. Nid laman and Edword Zuchermon, among others
COICrRIbhJTI-JG EDITORS

2400) and has contributed recently to GQ(880- Ansia kreoniar

8800) and Manhattan, inc. (697-2100). In spy MARKETING DIRECTOR
Robant Noctiman
(633-6550) she lias profiled magazine writer NATIONAL AI)VERTISING MANSOER
Hilary Gains Kathleen Beoptiy Ann. Bowcn
Ved Mehta, magazine publisherJudy Price and, H.athsr Zullinger Gonrge Mackin (Los Angelu 213.850.8339)
Tamara 51151 Carlos Lomodnid (San FrancIsco, 415.362.8339)
with this issue, magazine reader Nikki Haskdll. ADVERTISING SALES RrPREsErCrATIvh
Maui Dolgins John PbIIOCk
MARKETING MAA( R I
IRCULATIOx MANAC.IK
JAMIE MALANOWSKI, spy's na- Geoffrey Ratss

r
v.__,_._ç-
tional editor and a Trump
buff, has contributed to every
:

single issue of SPY (But then

Condac. Sinoboch
ACCOUNTING MANAGER
'«)I)U1iSIN SIANSER
isifesy Stevens
CONTROLLER
POtty Nosay GIulio Molucci Manko Mahoney Susan La8gron Somaroho Fenncll
0)VERTSSNC, AD MARKISINU AASISTANrZ
Shari Syrket? Susan Mainuer MICIIOSI Lipscornb
Gino Duclayon
DUll F MANM;ER

again, so has Blount, and has 'tII\. '''ANIS

it made him more socially at-
tractive?) In addition to writing The Fine Print,
Malanowski last spring produced our shock-
stive McMillen Marc Floras George Ceroso Cohn Brown
OFFICE &ISTAND
Matthew T yrnauar Micaela Porto Peter Lo Lowronce Leni Michael Lee Douglas Lonsky
Michael Fish Birgilte F1ord Cortor Burden Ill Aimer Bell
\ I

ingly prescient story on the aftermath of the

Cold War. Contrary to the opinion ofthe bet-
ter part ofour readership,Jamie is a man.

4 SPY AUGUST 199E)

 WHJE RABBTSI
MOSCO WAND POLiSH VODKA.
U3
NICE TOWN, Moscow. RED SQUARE,
4 - i' ç ':\.\
.
.

1d E RUSSIANS DID WHAT

ANCIENT SPIRES, FUR. HATS, CAPITALISTS . . . AND A I 00,000 VODKA FANATICS

VERITABLE MONOPOLY ON THE WORLDS GREAT LD . Y ORTED 1T.' BUT THEN,

VODKAS.I WHICH BRiNGS TO AN INTER- \ ALWAYS HAD A SLICHTLY ECCEN-

ESTINC PIECE OF TRIVIA ABOUT WHAT TR1C HiSTORY. THERE WERE ALWAYS, FOR
Is ARCUABLY THE FINEST Ç1ODKA IN ALL OF INSTANCE, RACCOONS, LAYING HENS AND WHITE

RUSSIA. WYBOROWA

(-
[T ISN'T RussiAN. YI..IT'S POLISH
. -:-L.J'A: .
(VEE-BA-ROVA).

VODKA.
DISTILLERY. \
POLISH RABBITS ON THE CROUNDS OF ITS

FOR CENTURIES? TASTE IT. YOU'LL

WHY HAS WYBOROWA SURVIVED

FIND IT INEFFABLY SMOOTH. CRISP.

A RESULT OF THE SAME TR1PLE-

DISTILLING PROCE
' - ,.

TURIES ACO. BEFORI

COVERED SHORTCW

IT IS POSSIBLE T
WYBOROWA. RIGH1

AMERICA WHAT

BETTER WAY TO
FiRST DISTILLED CENTURI ES TOAST THE END OF

AGO. AND LEGENDARY EVER SINCE. THE COLD WAR.

VttBROVA" VODKA FROM POLAND. ENFOYED CENTURIES STRAIGHT.

. wY3RO ?ODI(# )0% GIUIN NEUTRAl. SPIRITS 4D% AND 5C LCOI4OL BY VOLUMF (80 AD OD PROOF) Ig IMPORTED BY 375 SPIRITS cO . NEW ?ORK. NEW YORK
 It doesn't take fancy, polysyllabic words to describe
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for the ultra low tar numbers. Or "Oh, my!" for the unexpected taste.
No, when you're one of the fastest growing brands in America you
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Yep.
Enriched Flavor,TMultra low tar. A solution with Merit.

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 : .
-
You KNOW WHAT AUGUST MEANS AUGUST
.
(ADJ.): INSPiRING MINGLED REVERENCE AND
.
: ADMIRATION; MAJESTiC. STATELY SUBLIME.
--as - Is this somebody's idea ola joke? August 1990, like
... every other August endured outside childhood or in
p
. any city south ofthe 45th Parallel, inspires mingled
despair and loathing, a sense that the majestic, the stately and
the sublime require a more intense level ofartificial cooling than
one's own system (when did Fisher-Price start making air con-
ditioners?) is capable of. It is the heat; it's the humidity too.
And it's also the . rush-hour F train stuck in the dark

QWIUWWWLL
between Delancey and East Broadway, and the evil garbage stench
floating over the sidewalks, and the lack of important summer
vacation plans, and nothing to do but read disappointing Scott Turow
novels and watch disappointing Bruce Willis movies and listen to
Mets games from now until fall. The Yankees are bad, too, but
the Mets are this year's perfectly apt team, the America of major
league baseball: no longer new but not old, with plenty of talent,
depth, seasoning, an enthusiastic new manager and a largely dis-
appointing record. One month recently, Darryl Strawberry had
a batting average of .125. Despite everything, however, Straw-
berry remained hopeful and sounded in-
domitable "I'm bound to bave a good day,
a good week, a good month he said. «Iis
boundto happen' And then it did: one week-
end in June Strawberry hit four home
runs. cr But ifAmerica, like the Mets,
u
is coming unglued (the nation appar-
u
ently needs to discombobulate every 20
years so; it's bound to happen, as
Strawberry might say), at least this time
around there's a slapstick, Pee-wee Her-
L
manish edge to the chaos. In the 1990s
it's not bomb threats or defective land-
ing gear that causes USAir 727s en route to Pittsburgh to turn
around and make emergency landings at La Guardia - no, it's
muffin fires in the galley! In the 1990s it's not the Charles Mansons
or the Boston Stranglers who get you - no, when a woman answers
her front door (her front door in a squeaky-clean new suburb of
West Palm Beach), she's shot to death by someone dressed as a down!
In the 1990s íts not a right-wing filibuster or an executive veto
that defeats a health bill in the Florida legislatureno,
it's idle vote- t '-

button-pushing by a legislator's 12-year-old

son! (Dad was : off the flooi making a phone call, and
J u n io r wa s fooling around.)In the 1990s political lead-
ers do not de- mand extra bodyguards and security mea-
sures to fend off crackpots and assassins - no, if they're
Chicago alder- men, they demand that the city buy them
AUGUST 1990 SPY 7
treadmills and stationary bicycles, be-
cause three of their overweight colleagues
have died of heart attacks ("People are
f rightezed, says one of the not-yet-dead al-
dermen) in jUSt eight months! MuffIn fircs,
armed clowns, 12-year-old powcr brokers,
panicky aerobic regimens among machine
politicians. lt was all bound ro happen.
Indeed, in this epoch of tennis-court-
hogging, sagebrush-whacking, horseshoe-
throwing U.S. presidents, we now mea-
sure all political leaders according to their
level of sportiness. "Our impression an
incredulous-sounding White House ad-
viser said ofthe Gor-
bachevs before the
June summit, "is that
they don't have any f
hobbies or sports:'
V reuse temptress, takes a deep bow, her
ming up the man %i''4 .
who is currently cop-
ing with armed se- -
'Ç
cessionists, ethnic
violence, economic . A-í
paralysis and unprecedented popular dis-
content, agreed: Gorbachev, the Bush
aide reckoned, "is not a golf-shirt kind
of guy:'
Here in the States we may not have had
a nationwide run on kasha and cooking
oilyetbut we are experiencing a
wrenching economic crisis of our own,
with all the pain and sacrifice that entails.
on Wall Street, investment bankers have
been having their bonuses cut as never
beforewhy, at First Boston, a young the Reverend Al Sharpton to promote
banker with two long years of deal- faux victim Tawana Brawley), but we have
making experience now earns a piddling
$175,000 a year, and the same 24-month
veterangetsamere$155,000atShearson.
A few blocks away, in the federal court-
house, Ivan Boesky testified as a prose-
cution witness in a fellow former stock
speculator's criminal trial. On cross-ex-
amination Boesky admitted to commit-
ting new financial crimes while in prison
(he said he illegally paid "some chaps" a
"few quarters" to do his laundry) and felt
obliged to answer even rhetorical ques-
tions. Asked if he likes money, Boesky
answered, "Of coursedon't you?" The
1980s not eight months gone and already
the government is putting on show trials
inwhichtheyask,Doyoulikemoney?Itwas
bound to happen.
Some holdovers from the previous de-
cade are still taking a hard eighties line
8 SPY AUGUST 1990
Charles Keating, the man accused of run-
fling Lincoln Savings and Loan into the
ground, defrauding depositors and then
getting Alan Cranston, John Glenn and
three other U.S. senators to smooth things
over with federal regulators, has recently
been providing unsolicited character refer-
ences for Cranston, Glenn and the rest. i
would rate their performance pretty darn
high said Nearing, an impossibly upbeat
man who still seems to think that he's bound
to have a good day, a good week, a good
month. 'They should be congratulated'
As an issue, homelessness was perfect
for the 1980s (con-
. spicuous consump-
)
,
tion, conspicuous
--.. poverty, best of
times, worst of
,
.
'
.
ilt.,.
hasthe
to stay hot in the
i' '- .
1990s (every beggar
'
is an opportunity
, for a tiny, painless,
i self-flattering ges-
tute), even ifAmerica's most famous home-
less spokesman may not. Mitch Snydet
homeless person turned activist turned
made-for-TV- movie subject and a personal
friend of Martin Sheen's, has suddenly
abandoned his widely publicized plans to
become a Trappist Instead, Snyder
plans to marry his 15-year-old girlfriend next
month. Was this bound to happen?
C. Vernon Mason was. Mason became
famous in the 1980s (by hooking up with
a hunch he'll be a lot more at home in the
1990snotexactlyagolf-
shirt kind of guy but a
man of passion, of sin-
cerity, of bold prescrip-
rions: New York's Boris
Yeltsin. The day after .
Mayor David Dinkinsgave
his televised speech plead-
ing for racial harmony
(could Dinkins inspire
anybody to do anything
under any circumstances?), Mason, the
respected civil-rights lawyer, offered a
carefully considered dissenting view. "I
could not believe what this Negro said last
night' Mason told a crowd. "lt was all I
could do to prevent myself from breaking
the TV. [Dinkins] is a lover ofwhite peo-
pie and the system. He ain't got no Afri-
can left in him. He's got too many yar-
mulkes on his head' Ain'tgol no African left
in him. . . thoughtfui, persuasiveand a
terrific sense of humor to boot!
Even scientists and federal bureaucrats
have turned zany and imprudent. Deny.
ing the rumor that NASA, seeking to pro-
vide a seemly sexual release for shuttle-
bound astronauts, had developed a drug
that induces orgasmic dreams, the space
agency's director oflife sciences was une-
quivocal. "lt would be impossible' he said,
"to satisfy the carnal urges of astro-
nauts. . . . To my knowledge, unbridled lust
has never interfered with a space mission'
Unbridled lust may well have inter-
fered with Dick Tracy, this summer's Bat-
man Lice. During rehearsals for a scene
in which Madonna, playing Tracy's chan-
breasts repeatedly and unintentionally
popped out ofher gown. (It was, of course,
bound co happen.) A producer suggested
a way for a makeup man to solve the prob-
lem, but he refused. "My contract doesn't
say anything,' the makeup man replied,
"aboutgluing Madonna's tirs to her dress:'
Government sex drugs in outer space,
ersatz-1930s cartoons starring aging
humpsters and canny Marilyn Monroe
impersonators, labor disputes over un-
authorized breast-gluing - it all has a cer-
tain horrible, thrilling déjà vu familiarity
like something in a book, a novel, a block-
buster novel of the fin de siècle. ...
Yes, it's an all-new chapter of 1999:
which includes
Casinos ofihe Third Reich,
one ofthe book's most dramatic moments
(in the baccarat pit at the Trump Plaza
casino, as a Japanese tycoon loses $9.9-
million, the proprietor hovers
and paces nearby, unraveling)
and one of its most touching
ones (Jerry Lewis, Wayne
Newton and Robert Goulet
pay tribute to Sammy Davis
J r. at Forest Lawn). As the
world's eyes turn expectantly
to Central Europe (incidental-
'y, who ases control the search-
light and flag concessions in
Berlin these days?) our story pauses
momentarily in Long Beach at the perma-
nently docked Queen Mary for «Voyage to
1939! a gala yearlong celebration featuring
1939 memorabilia. It may sound too rich,
too mad to be trueyet as readers of 1999:
CAsinos oft/e ThirdReich know only too well,
it was all bound to happen.)
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to Survive, intact, to thC present clay, as a purely-natural, non-pasteurized source ofenjoyment for
at least eleven generations Of the world's most discriminating bcerclrinlcrs. io&
Thstes flic same here as it does over there.
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From the SPY moilroom: Some magazines
live to muckrake, some to deliver readers
to advertisers. We live to receive letters
composed in imperfect English from the
Netherlands. "I like to have contact with
you and the performance of your world
in laser and hologro-
.
I phy,' writes the editor
of "the little Dutch
newsletter" Optische
.
Fenomenen, and let
us tell you, he's got
our full attention. We will of course try to
oblige, both "with having contact" and
with sending "some informations" How
could resist? When we read the closing
sentence-"Thank you very much for
helping me and hopely for your post-
sending"- we simply melted. Optische
Fenomenen con count on our postsend-
ing. . . hopely posthaste! We've already
forwarded a recent issue.
"Who the heck is Norman Ornstein?"
A nation of SPY readers rises up as one
and demands an answer. Maybe we're
overstating it; in fact, only Joel D.
Selanikio of Providence rose up as one
(convincingly, though) and said precisely
that. But many readers are asking more
or less the same question. Tony Wade of
Augusto, Georgia, is "sincerely curious"
about who Ornstein is. Jeffrey Norman
of Milwaukee suggests that our May is-
sue was built not around Washington,
D.C., but rather around Ornstein, N.
Writing from Manhattan, Wendy Blatt
asks whether Ornstein is "sleeping with
half your staff." Worth Brown, presuma-
bly of Chicago (his stationery is lovely
but reads "Chicag, lllinois"-some sort
of midwestern jive talk?), speculates that
Ornstein is either "the brother-in-law of
the publisher or you owe him lots of
money« Joyce Saenz Harris of Dallas
wonders whether Ornstein exists at all.
Steve Kallougher of Brooklyn has similar
suspicions ("A fictitious creation?") and
also mentions that Ornstein is "quoted
no less than 15 times." This opens up a
real can of worms, because Brian Kelle-
her of Saratoga puts the figure some-
what higher-278-while Emile Barrios
of Coronado, California; Bill Shein of
Arlington, Virginia; and James Goldf orb
of Durham, North Carolina, all come in
at 17 Ornstein mentions (Goldfarb,
like our Chicag reader, also suspects
Ornstein is "related to someone on .
DEAR EDITORS his office represents
Richard Gere.
I am informed of your intention to
cause publication of an illustration and
article involving Mr. Gere.
While it is not our objective to impinge
on your First Amendment rights under
the federal Constitution, we are corn-
pelled to bring the following to your
attention.
Investigation will confirm the falsity of
the intended publication.
Publication of false stories or depic-
rions ofour client that have a tendency to
impeach, degrade or vilify will cause im-
mediate response on behalfofour client.
That response will include a request for
reliefagainst all those responsible, includ-
¡ng SPY, its reporter or reporters, editor or
proprietors of the publication.
Libelous utterances are not within the
area of respected speech
(Roth y. United Stales [195 7) 354 U.S. 476,
483). To proceed further, knowing of the
falsity of the subject at hand, and at a
minimum, with a reckless disregard of
whether ¡t is false is tantamount to "mal-
ice" (C#rtii Publishing Co. y. Butts [1967)
388 U.S. 130, 162-165)....
The courts of California have held
there need not be a direct accusation or
charge of misconduct; epithets, descrip-
rive words or opinions that carry with
them the implication of acts or miscon-
duct are actionable (Brown y. Kelly Broad-
casting Co., 48 Cat. 3d [1989) 711)....
Penal Code §258 provides that willful
and malicious intent co injure another by
utterance of a slander is punishable by a
fine not exceeding $10,000 or imprison-
ment in the county jail not exceeding one
year, or both.
18 U.S.C.S. §l96l, et seq., of the
Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Or-
ganizations Act (RICO) suggest guide-
lines by which your conduct must be
measured. These include both crimi-
nal and, by virtué of §1964(c), civil
remedies. ...
Legal proscriptions, common sense and
fair play dictate that SP"a' reevaluate this
matter and immediately cease and desist
from further activity related thereto.
Allan Sigel
Sigel & Boothe
Los Angeles, California
Huh?
DEAR EDITORS am dismayed and dis-
turbed by the erroneous
and damaging information contained in
your April Great Expectations. It leaves a
totally false and scurrilous impression of
myselfand USA for Africa that will not be
erased simply by printing a retraction.
What SPY has accomplished is to have
possibly destroyed a documentary project
merely in early development and designed
to attract underwriting from a broadcast
or corporate entity. This project might
have been inspirational if it had been
given a fair chance, because the story
would "star'S nor Ken Kragen but people
who are out there on the front lines every
day fìghtingthebattle.. .and making prog-
ress. A documentary, we thought, might
be the vehicle to reach a broad public
with the message that their support and
involvement have, indeed, made a differ-
ence and therefore should continue.
spy should adhere to the code of ethics
and responsibilities that come with the
territory and make an attempt to check
out its information before it is published.
K.tn Kragen
Los Angeles, California
Surely we're not that powerful especially not
when we're making passing editorial allusions
to stories previouslypublishedin the newspaper
We're sorry e:'- very brief observations in
any way incommoded USA for Africa. But we
can still thinkof better ways to spend
S500?000 than making a movie about an
evanescent American philanthropy.
DEAR EDITORS our article about Fa-
ther Ritter ("The Slum-
lord Is My Shepherd' by John Fahs
and Eddie Stern, April) was well written,
informative and very timely. Being in che
:- -X;
advertising business myself, and therefore
no stranger to direct-mail solicitation, I
was almost persuaded to send Father Rit-
ter a check after readinghis tear-jerking
direct-mail pitch. Imagine how relieved I
was to find the whole thing was, as too
many "charities" are, a sham.
Please accept my heartfelt thanks for
the article. Now I can stop feeling guilry
Lorrie Callison
Columbia, South Carolina
Thanks, but easy does it- we weren't saying
Cìvenant House was a sham. just that Ritter
was imprudent.
AUGUST 1990 SPY 11
 DEAR EDrros our exposé of Father
Ritter's failed foray
We fifed to get the into real estate investment reads more like
staff to say "Good the kind of yellow-journalistic pulp one
evening, maclam," might expect of the New York Post than a
real piece of investigative journalism. A
but they kept saying person hasn't necessarily sold his soul to
"Hi, how a ya?" the Devil because he borrowed money
from a bank that was subsequently run
into the ground by its owner, or because
lets be frank. The Claridge may he sold a hotel to an operator of a youth
look and leel European, but the staff hostel who in turn sold out to an infamous
is definitely Midwestern. Well- landlord. It isn't even particularly shock.
scrubbed. Cheeulully outgoing. ing that the Times Square Hotel ran up
hundreds ofhousing violations while un-
We've learned to deal with it. der the ownership of Covenant House.
Many newer and betterfinanced build-
ings routinely incur dozens of violations
every time the housing inspector comes
C II I i: A ( () by, and there is very little one can do
about it short of putting the inspector on
one's payroll. Besides, the dysfunctional
ON DIARBORN PAHKWAY
elevators, unlit fire exits and inadequately
\jJ ventilated corridors described in your ar-
1244 N. Dearborn Parkway tide are not exactly slumlord material. 1f
Chicago IL 60610 you are going to try your hand at serious
Call 1-800-245-1258
journalism, try treating your readers a lit-
tie more seriously.
Brendan Marx
New York
DEAR EDIToRs ob Mack forgot to
mention that Presi-
dent Bush's nominee for secretary of
Defense, the Brylcreemed playboy wanna-
be John G. Tower, was also a frat boy
["Toga! Toga! Toga! From Animal House
to the White HouseHow Frat Boys
Suddenly Run America' April). Tower
not only was a Kappa Sigma at South-
western University in Texas but also later
served as the "Worthy Grand Master" (a
Grand Pooh-Bah of sorts) for the entire
national fraternity.
Jeffrey S. Palmer
Bethesda, Maryland
belittle one such artist and finally, by im
plication, to dismiss all the rest.
For the record: we have known Michael
Brenson professionally and personally for
many years and can testify that he harbors
no sentiments toward matters of race re-
motely like those attributed to him in the
article, nor has he ever engaged in cynical
careerism such as that reported in the
piece. As for your account of Martin
Puryear's rise to prominence: Brenson
did not «create" him; rather, he recognized
and lauded what Puryear himself has
created. Represented in all the major
museum collections in New York and
many elsewhere, the recipient of Guggen-
heim and Tiffany grants as well as awards,
citations and fellowships from the Na-
tional Endowment for the Arts, Brandeis
University and the Greenberger Founda-
tion and, not least, the Grand Prize Win-
ner last year at the São Paulo Biennale,
Puryear and his achievements are hardly
unknown or unsung. Yet while Puryear
has been singled out for these honors, he,
as an artist of color, is far from alone in
shaping the visual culture ofthis country.
The insult of treating him as a marginal
and inconsequential figureapparently
because he is black and you hadn't heard
ofhim - is thereby multiplied a thousand-
fold. The only fact to be gleaned from
your compound smear is plain enough:
Brenson, his colleagues and the art public
worldwide know a good deal that sPy, in
its aesthetic provincialism and glib rac-
¡Sm, does not. Perhaps, however, your
readers will indeed have learned one thing
from this example: sri' is in the business
of muck-making, not muckraking.
Arlene Raven, art critic,
The Village Voice;
Lowery Sims, associate curator of
20th Century Art,
The Metropolitan Museum of Art;
Robert Storr contributing editor,
Art in America
New York

DEAR EDITORS our coverage of the

changes at The New DEAR EDIToRs amiliarityis said to
York Times's art desk [The Times, by J. J. breed contempt, but
Hunsecker, April] is something of a J. J. Hunsecker suggests ignorance can be
sweepa dirty one. Ostensibly revealing just as effective.
the Inside story" on those personnel shifts, In his attempt to splatter New York
you managed in a few lines to impugn the Times art critic Michael Brenson while
1-800-CALL-EDF motives ola critic has distinguished flinging mud at the Times's newly desig-
himself among his journalistic peers by nated art chief, Michael Kimmelman,
C Iqqt i'r E.F .! writing regularly about artists ofcolor, to Hunsecker makes quite a spectacle of

12 SPY AUGU 1990

himself. He describes Brenson's support
for black artists in much the same smugly
derisive tones once reserved by sons of the
Confederacy for Yankee carpetbaggers!
But your columnist manages to corn-
bine venom, condescension and a cava-
lier disregard for the facts when he claims,
"Brenson virtually created a major talent
ex nihilo, the all-but-unknown sculptor
Martin Puryear'
Puryear's alleged obscurity can only
surprise art-world denizens old enough to
recall ¡trtforum's October 1979 cover story
on him. Similarly, Puryear must be the
only "almost unknown" artist to be featured
in two Whitney Biennials (1979, '81) as well
as in such high-profile shows as MoMA's
1984 reopening extravaganza, "An Inter-
national Survey of Recent Painting and
&ulpture' and the Guggenheim's 1985
"Transformations in Sculpture: Four Dec-
ades ¡n American and European Art'
Finally, one wonders why Brenson is
credited with having "virtually created"
Puryear's reputation when his November
1, 1987, Times Magazine profile ofthe art-
ist trailed three years behind a ten-year
survey of the sculptor's career that had
traveled coast to coast originating at the
University of Massachusetts at Amherst
and eventually traveling to New York's
New Museum of Contemporary Art via
California's La Jolla Museum of Art.
Ofcourse, as a critic and historian who
specializes in art by African-Americans, I
am all too familiar with Hunsecker's
brand ofmyopia - a phenomenon irnmor-
talized several decades ago by Ralph Elli-
son's novel Invisible Man. What beats me is
how Michael Brenson managed to escape
this widespread Euro-American malady!
Judith Wilson
New York
DEAR EDITORS oSsip columnists are
certainly fair game
for easy criticism by the likes of every-
body, so I read you with interest on me
and my betters. However, let me assure
you that I did not "allow" my photo to ap.
pear on the Daily News front page at any
time [Review ofReviewers, by Henry Hoi-
land, May). I have absolutely nothing to
say about what or when or how the cdi-
tors decide to use my photo. I was as sur-
prised as anyone when I turned up with
Ivana on the front page, and was certainly
NOT advised that this was going to hap-
your staff"). As for Julie D. Taylor of
Brooklyn, she was simply grateful for
The SPY Index, which she checked peri-
odically to see just how many more Orn-
Stein quotes were on the horizon.
And that's not all. Lisa Poulson of
Manhattan says she experienced "a
deep sense of foreboding" as the obser-
votions accumulated (she finds such
rampant quotability "awfully danger-
ous"). Peter Weyl of Portland, Maine,
suggests we do o Norman Ornstein"
Blurb-o--Mat, and John Spritz of Sacra-
mento wonders whether running a full-
page Norman Ornstein od would "make
him happy« Debbie Sachs of Palo Alto
reports that when she called Washing-
ton information and asked for the tele-
phone number of the American Enter-
prise Institute (from which Ornstein
opines, as Liz Smith would put it), the
operator asked her, "Would you like the
main number or [rejected Supreme Court
nominee) Robert Bork?" And Norman
Ornstein of the American Enterprise In-
stitute, when contacted recently for a
comment on the of all those Norman
Ornstein quotations and the public con-
fusion about them, said uncharac-
- I
teristically cryptically, "Tell your readers IMPORTED
I am no relation to Judy Price's mother«
So why didwe quote Norman Ornstein -"--4
no fewer thon 15 (and possibly as many
as 278) times in the May issue? Because
he is the ubiquitous Washington think-
tank pundit. Because everybody else LPe
does. Because he's there. And also be- VODKA
cause we were making a joke (the repeti-
tion, as reader "Chuck" of "Mass." tHAILES
astutely noted, "became almost comi- of
cal")a joke, incidentally, that couldn't
be obvious enough for such well-mean-
ing readers os Michael A. Lewis, who
demanded without any apparent irony to
know if we weren't "even a little embar-
rassed" to have given so much space to
the "cocktail party chitchat" of such o
"cranky windbog' Lewis, we need hard-
ly mention, lives in that hotbed of comic
sensibility that ishow synchronous!
Washington, D.C. Or is it Washingto?
A curious follow-up to "The Secret of
Albemarle Farms,' Avery Chenowith's
February 1989 SPY piece that recounted
John and Patricia Kluge's wholesale wild-
life massacres - sorry, sportsmanlike
shootsat their Virginia fiefdom: when
the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Kluge recent-
 pen. I believe you assume I have some
powers that I dont have. The Daily News
editors are my bosses, and they do whatever
they darned well please with my picture.
There was no collusion in my appearance;
just their idea that it was what seemed at
the time, I guess, a good idea.
Does my behavior really seem so 'er-
ratic' to you? You should try doing what
I do six days a week.
Liz Snith
New York
DEAR EDITORS ilarious and scary
were the feelings
evoked by Rachel Urquhart's superb
'.
'Hey, Jambo! Doesnt Anyone Here Talk
American?' A Worldwide Tour of Amen-
ca's Dopiest Diplomats" [May). Also a
great read was "Mr. Smith Goes to Wash-
ington and Fondles AnythingThat Moves"
[by Charlotte Hays and Charlotte Low Al-
len). In general, the entire D.C. issue was
wickedly satisfying.
My hope would be that you stay on
political targets, as opposed to the ever-
present but less significant Hollywood
celebrities, thereby providing much-
needed perspective and comic relief to
the increasing number of progressives,
social critics and concerned working peo-
pie living in a minefield of unwarranted
power-postu ring and smarmy politicians
sporting "hair with the iridescence of
pigeon plumage'
J die Scbwarizrnan
New York
DEAR EDiToas ust read with interest
"Mr. Smith Goes to
Washington and Fondles Anything That
Moves' and I missed seeing my personal
all-time favorite congressional sexual pec-
cadillo: the time Representative Fred
Richmond of Brooklyn was arrested in
1978 for paying a 16.year.old boy for sex.
Jeff Cox
Sebastopol, Caitfornia
Charges against Richmond were dropped when
he agreed to seek he was elected to
another term before being convicted on drug,
tax-evasion and bribery charges.
DEAR EDrrois s a pedant of some
note, I wish to glee-
fully point out the glaring inconsistency
L4 SPY AUGUST 1990
in Richard Stengel's "Welcome to WonI
City" [May]. Stengel wnites,"No one ir
Washington ever says, 'Hey, lighten up'
And yet a scant five pages later he ad.
vises, "If you're seated next to Sandra
Day O'Connor, don't use the same line
on her that exRedskins fullback John
Riggins did - to wit, 'Loosen up, Sandy
baby" Unless you consider lighten up co
differ materially from loosen up, I fait to
see how you can reconcile these two state-
ments. This destroys any shred of cred.
ibility the article may have otherwise
enjoyed.
Kenneth E. Steinfield
Boston, Massachusetts
But that was the point - Riggins really isn't a
Washingtonian in the button-down sense we
were talking about, andhis "Loosen up" remark
was curious and inappropriate enough to be
wide/y reported.
na
DEAR ED1Tois hile trying to de-
mean the foreign.
language skills of our nation's ambas.
sadors ["Hey,Jambo!"J, you prove your
selves unable to spell one of the simplest
words in the Spanish language. The Span-
ish word for yes has an accent, and is
written si: Don't tell me your printer
doesn't do accent marksyou manage
both accent marks on résumí a few lines
down.
Re "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,'
Biba is in Boston. Cambridge has no res-
taurants even close to that trendy, or good.
Gregg Shapiro
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Jeez, didwesay Washington was Wonk City?
DEAR EDITORS n «Ask Not for Whom
the Bell Tolls; It Tolls
for Thee, Marlin Fitzwater"[MayJ, ex-
actly what didyou say when the respective
recipient answered the phone immediately?
Did you just rudely hang up, scarring the
phone-manners reputation of the power
broker you were pretending to be the assis-
tant for?
Ryan Witte
Garden City, New York
Usually we said, NOne moment, please," and
then we hung up. But we're pretty sure that
while masquerading as an aide to Senator /vfoy-
nihan we managed to persuade Secretary of
Defense Dick Cheney not to close an Air Force
base in Plattsburgh, New York.
'y drove her Range Rover off a Virginia
road and nearly got herself killed, she
told police that she'd swerved to ovoid
hitting a small animal. Now, there's
someone with a sense of humor.
J OHNNYCLEGG & SAVUKA
A number of viewersthat's right,
viewers - want to know what exactly Jeff
Goldblum said on How to Be Famous,
spy's first NBC special, broadcast this
past spring. We did, after all, offer to pro-
vide o transcript. Here it is:
,,
full of, uh, excitement, and en-
thusiosm of, an, and, uh, about the work
of acting, and what it might, and what it
was like to work on a part, and, and, uh,
investigating a, a port, and, uh, finding
how I could marry myself with the
character, and just working, and, la, la, w
working on a part..."
Seems perfectly lucid to us, except
maybe for that second la.
c: i Li E t,
Another viewer wants to be rediscov-
:u
eyed. The host of our TV special, Jerry
Seinfeld, has received a postcard from E A LP T I E (J L
75-year-old "Frantic Fran" Lilienfeld of
Miami Beach. "I'd like to appear on your
show or write o column for your maga-
WLtD
'A SOUTH .' RICAN
zine,' she writes. (Seinfeld is starting a
magazine?) "l've been a one-woman BRUCE INGSTEEN.

show at piano with songs, jokes, etc., for [CLEG WEAVES THE LILTING
50 years ¡n Borscht Circuit also 9 lES AND SEDUCTIVE
years on Public Access TV in N.YC. ... -- - THMS OF ZULU MUSIC
entertaining at resorts, bar mitzvahs,
churches, store openings. Can py make LL. :; HIS SONGS

ABOUT RACIAL OPPRESSION,

me famous at 75?surely SENIORS are
Out there and a profitable market!" Don't POLITICAL DEFIANCE AND

we know it! Just send us a recent eight- THE TRIUMPHS OF DAILY

by-ten, Frantic Fran, and we'll put you in SURVIVAL AND LOVE.
our Stars of Tomorrow feature.
-THE NEW YORK TIMES
Much has been written about the tussle
over the rights to the Lennon-McCartney
songs. In the meantime, the entire Gil-
CRUEL. CRAZY. BEAUTIFUL WORLD
bert O'Sullivan catalog remains quietly
available, free of any convenient litigo- THE NEW ALBUM FEATURING:

tion-drenched hype. Albert H. Downs of CRUEL. CRAZY. BEAUTIFUL WORLD

San Francisco has thoughtfully forwarded ONE [HUJMAN ONE VOTE
to us a Catalogue of Master Recordings
DELA
announcing the availability for licensing
of such hits as "Get Down" and "Why Oh
PRODUCED BY HILTON ROSENTHAL
Why Oh Why." If we were a bank looking
for a jingle, we'd put our money down for MANAGEMENT ALIVE ENTERPRISES

O'Sullivan's biggest hit before you could

say, "A Loan Again (Naturally)«
Sorry about that. lt's our 50 years on
ON CAPITOL CASSETTES,
the Borscht Belt doing a one-woman
COMPACT DISCS AND RECORDS.
show at piano with songs, jokes, etc., at
resorts, bar mitzvahs, churches and store c1990 rv COR3S LTD

openings peeking through again.

AUGUST 1990 SPY 15

 DEAR EDlTos sa native of This Tow,
(said with emphasi
similar to that used by northern Califor
nians describing the city of San Fran
cisco), I offer the following addenda:
1. The Tune Inn, an Alan Batesesqu
eatery complete with stuffed deer rear
ends, is on Capitol Hill (S.E.), not in
w Georgetown (N.W.). Perhaps your report-
ers were occupied with computing cab

1k\\ fare and lost track of their location.

2. In addition to reading The Washing-
ton Post and The New York Times, ritual
listening to NPRS All Things Considered

I is mandatory. Otherwise, the universe

wouldnt revolve around Cokie Roberts.
3. When heSs not in a state of dimin.
ished capacity, our mayor pays his taxes.
4. Any good parking space, whether on
Capitol Hill or within a four.hour hike of
any of our airports, is routinely reserved
for congressional members and their in-
dispensable white-shirted, tortoiseshell.
spectacled staff.
Dona Dickinson
Manaisas, Virginia

DEAR EDITORS o you ever make

Were Different From Any corrections?
The May issue. The Naked City. The
Other Treatment Program. Usual Suspects. I have never had a
A Natural, Holistic Approach to Addictive Behavior. Capitol Hill press pass. I have never had
my picture taken for any Washington
Ifyou've been in therapy or another treatment program, and press pass. And if I were ever to indulge
still feel there's something missing. .. Or ifyou're interested in a more in such behavior being a Lisgar man, not
profound spiritual treatment program, 3H0 SuperHealth is for you. Glebe, I would surely have whipped my-
Blending the ancient wisdom ofthe East with the selfupright and shouted, "Charge' Where
innovation ofthe West. the hell would "Now get you?
Peter Jennings
Nutrition Massage 1ndividual and
New York
Yoga *Meditation Group Therapy in May we reported that while his picture was
We treat the whole person, not just the isolated addiction. being takenfor his Capitol Hill press pass,Jen-
flings made the photographer wail while he
Alcohol & Chemical Dependency Smoking 'Co-dependency "droppedhis headin his lap, spent aJw seconds
*Anxiey/ Depression *Stress *ting Disorders in apparently rapt concentration, then suddenly
whipped himself upright and screamed,
Nestled on a beautiful 13 acre ranch resort. A program of 7"Jow!" The superintendent ofihe Senate Radio
inner-discovery and balance unlike any other. Nurturing, positive, and
and Television Gallery, Larryjanezich, says
individually shaped to your specific needs. thatJennings, a New York resident, is ineligible
f or a regular press pass but has been issued a
Insurance plans accepted. /\ (602) 749-0404 temporary pass for which a photo is also

/r\
5NCE I97
required a number o/times. The woman who
presides over the photo-ID desk at the Dirksen
Senate Office Building also confirms that Jen-
3H0 SuperHealth nings has been in to have his picture taken a
254 N. Rd.. Suitc 901 . Tucson. :rI7Oh1.l 85749
number of times. (According to our fòreign-
\'JO4i!;fld

12 step program available on sice. Accredited byJCAHO . Certified CAC Counselors affairs desk, Lisgar and Glebe are schools in
Ottawa,Jenningsc hometown.)

6 SPY AUGUST 1990

 Message to M. Lynne Murphy of
Champaign, Illinois: We think we can
assure you with some certainty that our
subscription-card slogan ("Start Making Ga Hock aAl Roll Sucks
Sense") is not a rip-off of the campaign
slogan you used ("Start Making Sense")
when you ran for student government at
UMoss-Amherst. No one around here, os
far as we know, was "attending or near
UMass in 1986' Start making sense, M.
By the way, did you win?
¡k -
Finally, our apologies to Rajesh Ven-
ugopal of Queens, though we're sure our
mailing list isn't responsible for oli the
junk mail he's getting. 'i experienced o
considerable fall from grace when I saw,
in my mailbox, a subscription offer for
something like Big and Bountiful' he
writes. "My neighbor, a charming though
prudish young lady, was horrified, and
l've last six weeks of patient effort with
her." Don't give up, Rajesh. We know you
can win her backwe're sure of itwith
mmv nno E!i
a subscription to that little Dutch news-
letter Optische Fenomenen. Give it just o
IuuI FUFBY BRIGK
The new album from Iggy Pop. Produced by Don Was.
couple of issues, and you'll be having
contact. Trust us. ) Featuring Home, Candy and Something Wild.
Avaiiable wherever music is sold On Virgin Compact Discs. Cassettes and Records. C 1990 Virgin Records America. Inc

co RR ECT I ONS
In "From the Humpback Wholes to the
Wild Turkeys . . . " (March) newts were
incorrectly categorized; they are, of
course, amphibians. Also, Senator AI-
bert Gore Sr. is not dead (The Fine Print,
May). In the June issue, in "lt Doesn't
Take a Rocket Scientist" the actual Di-
one is on the left; and terrorist victim
Alfred Herrhausen died in a Mercedes-
Benz, not a BMW, os reported in "The
j__
Ultimate Driving Machine" r
In the photograph illustrating "Peace
on Earthand Jeane Kirkpatrick is Out
of a Job" (March) we inadvertently omit-
ted the fashion credits: man's suit, shirt
and tie, Paul Smith, 105 Fifth Avenue;
man's shoes, Forrutx, 456A West Broad-
way; woman's suit, Isabel Ardie at Bar-
nays New York. Karen Joneswas the stylist.
July's "Lab Rat" described how Dr.
Robert Gallo once placed an angry tele-
phone call to the head of a National
RESTAURANT
204 1/th Aveiiue at 25th Street
Institutes of Health review committee
and how the committee had decided 779-1340 oi -1342
against promoting Gallo's lab employee
Flossie Wong-Staal. In fact, the review
committee had only considered not pro-
mating her. Wong-Stool eventually got
her promotion.)
* M.K. *
Au(;UsT 1990 SPY 17
 DEAR ED1'rois was slightly disap-
pointed in your spe-
cia! Washington issue. For instance, I
think you could have gone a little bit fur-
ther with Ted Kennedy. There have been a
CAFE lot of good alleged upchuck stories as-
sociated with the senator. Why couldn't
you guys and gals dig up a quote or two
about Teddy boy "parking his Buick" in
NW YORK. N.Y. 10023
public?
TLLIPI«)NF Are you saving these tidbits for a gala
8'3741 I
Celebrity Cookie-Toss edition?
Ernie Mannix
New York
DINNER
5:30- 12:30
%EEKENDS UNTIl. ¡:30
S11NI),Y 6:00 - 11:30 DEAR EDIToRs cading your May edi-
BRUNCH
tion was, sadly, like
SUNDAY 11:00 . 3:00 watching Superman being felled by Kryp-
tonite. Despite a noble effort, even SPY
$28 PRIX FIXE DINNER MENC
magazine couldn't make Washington
NIGHTlY 5:30 . 6:30
StTNDAY 6:00 - 6:30 funny.
I.SOAAII.ABLEAFFER 11:00 j David Levine
Washington, D.C.
.

g
Q DEAR EDITORS have read with great
interest your excerpts
from previous issues dealing with David
Owen's predictions ofthings to come [Ten
Yeats Ago in SPY). He has an amazing ca-
pacity to predict the future.
In this regard, I ask you the following
questions:
1. What is Mr. Owen doing at the pres-
ent time?
2. In what position does Mr. Owen an-
ticipate being employed ten years from
now?
3. What does Mr. Owen's investment
portfolio consist of?
4. If information on the specific hold-
ings be has is not available, please provide
the following:
a) percent of his holdings in bonds
over ten-year maturity;
b) percent of his holdings in bonds
under ten-year maturity;
c) percent in mutual funds;
d) percent in growth stocks;
e) percent in blue-chip stocks.
I realize that your Letters column is
composed of many very humorous let-
ters of general interest. Since this letter
IADOtISS
is neither funny nor of any particular
CITY STATO ZIP
interest to anyone else, I certainly would
understand uit is not published, and as a
matter of fact I would prefer that it not be

18 SPY AUGUST ¡990

published; you can just send me the in-
formation by mail.
Ke,rneih A. Boelte
Ulysses, Kansas
Sadly. Owenr June 1980 article Getting
Tip-s)' was bis last fr si"i' for almost a dec.
ade (during which lime, he says, be was on a
/RL(SiOfl for the U.S. government, under-
Secret
mining Communist regimes in Eastern Eu-
ope - our loss was the free worlcts gai&.
But a precotions young staffer named David
Kaìup made a strong showing, omniscience-
wise, in the 1980s: look for excerpts of his
prescient work in upcoming issues.

DEAR EDITORS ere - have some

anagrams.
GEORGE BUSH: THE ENVIRONMENTAL
PRESIDENT
BET ON THIS. MEN: GENERATE VILE PR HORSE DUNG

THE ACADEMY OF MOTION PICTURE

ARTS AND SCIENCES
(ES-MAN DEFECTS; CITE ANOTHER ATROCIOUS

DAMN PIC

Ken Ritz
18 \\et 18th Street New York City 2I267c7
Portland. Oregon

DEAR EDITORS ow about some more

anagrams?
SPY MAGAZINE
ZAPS N.Y. IMAGE
Iz MANY PAGES
PAINS MY GAZE
MY ZEN IS A GAP
ZANY MAGPIES

Jerry Thomas
Los Angeles, California
A.G. N.Y
DEAR EDIToRs eading sri' ¡s like
having a fine meal.
Have you ever thought about getting rid
of those goddamned blow-in cards and
instead including some after-dinner Alan Goldstein New York. .brilliant, bright. and true.
. .

mints?Just a thought.
Scott Edelunan
Damascus, Maryland
spy welcomes letters from its readers. Address
correspondence to The SPY Building, .5
SPY,
Union Square West, New York, NY 10003.
Typewritten letters arepreferred. Please include
wur daytime telephone nu,nbei Letters may be
ditedfor length or clarity. )
Designer of designer smiles. After all. ifyour clothes say
Maven of majestic molars. "Bergdorf's". do you want your
Impressarlo of incredible, teeth saying "Five-and-Ten"?
incendiary incisors.
The fact is, with the new
whitening procedure, WHITE 'N'
BTE almost anyone can
have the smile they deserve...
AUGUST 1990 SPY 19

THEfNE PRINT
byjamie Ma/anowski
THE LAST LETrER OF
MALCOLM FORBES
When w think of Malcolm
Forbcs in his final days, wc
dont think ofhim balloon-
¡ng or riding his motorcycle
or being photographed with
Elizabeth Taylor. We think of
him writing lettcrsusing
his last living moments to
take pen in hand and record
his final thoughts. as though
some great spirit were stand-
ing at his shoulder, whisper-
ing, hi tt??ie. Olcourse. we
think that because we have
been given a copy of his last
letter. Okay, maybe not his
very last one; well leave it for
his biographers to inaugurate
an endless controversy about
whether he wrote another
before succumbing on Febru-
ary 24 although the records
show that he spent one of che
intervening days playing
bridge in London. Even if he
did play dummy for a few
hands and grab some sta-
tionery and write another, its
our bet it didnt express quite
the essence ofhis Malcolm-
ness the way this one does.
Februa,y21. /990
Mj. La Toya Jackson
(/0 tValdorf Astoria
Suite ¡970
30/ Park Avenue
Neu' York. Neu York ¡0022
!)&zr La Toya:
You rnade my
2QSPYAUGUST 199()
'1_
d ti
1r 'I
.
A4
\'
II. KRAvIs P. NOcINAN B. JoEr.
TINY EIGHTIES RELIC HENRY KRAVIS was dining the bone," sings multimillionaire East Hamp-
calmly at an Upper East Side restaurant one ton homeowner BILLY JOEL on "The Downeaster
evening last spring when something suddenly 'Alexa," the third single from Storm F,-ont, his
activated his internal social-climbing rnecha- most recent schmaltzfest. To the accompani-
nism: JESSYE NORMAN, the jumbo-size soprano, ment of accordion and fiddLethe current
was dining at a corner table not far from the one earthy instruments of choice for rockers wishing
where Kravis and his wife, clothing designer to convey their integritythe song's fisherman
CAROLYNE ROEHM, were picking at their meager protagonist laments the plight of Long Island's
portions. Eager to add Norman to his list of old-time seafaring population and its vanishing
highbrow sort-of-acquaintances, Kravis begged way of life. As it turns out, a good bit of the
the owner of the restaurant for an audience with locals' trouble is attributable ro Manifest Des-
the diva. The meeting was arranged, and the tiny doctrinaires like Joel, who five years ago
overleveraged buyout hustler was introduced to persuaded a long-standing East Marion family
Norman. After they exchanged pleasantries, to sell him its huge parcel of undeveloped land
Kravis urged, in his inimitable bull-market on the island's North Fork. While workers
style, "Please, sing one noteI'll pay you any- prepped the fieldom-to-be to suit the singers
thing." Needless to say, Norman politely tastes, Joel and his wife, CHRISTIE BRINKLEY, rent-
declined. ed a house from another venerable North Fork
family. The temporary nature of their stay
notwithstanding, the Joels found time to have
a bitter falling-out with their landlordsevi-
dently so bitter that Joel decided to abandon
PEGGY NOONAN, CONSERVATIVE true believer, prob- the North Fork altogether. He unloaded his
ably thought she had passed her loyalty test long recently purchased property on a developer, who
ago. She is, after all, the most celebrated and in turn announced plans to subdivide the grand
skillful presidential ghostwriter of the age, hay- estate into several one- and two-acre housing
ing concocted speeches for both RONALD REAGAN plots.
and GEORGE BusH and having written a best-sell-
ing book (What I Saw at the Revolution) about it.
Noonan is now at work on a novel, but evidently
she is also sniffing around the public payroll
again. Earlier this summer a publishing col- PATRIARCH-BY-DEFAULT TEDDY KENNEDY may not be
league of Noonan's received a terse official phone tl)rilled to learn that yet another writer is look-
call from one of J. EDGAR HOOVER'S boys. Can ing into Chappaquiddick - but the consolation
she be trusted? the impatient FBI investigator for Kennedy is that this time the writer is JOE
asked, more or less. Are you serious? his incredu- MCGINNISS, who is apparently trying to make the
bus interviewee responded. The G-man, it misadventure the subject of an upcoming true-
turned out, was conducting a background check crime best-seller, and who is running into some
and had no idea that Noonan had toiled obedi- trouble with the project. McGinniss, you will
ently in the White House for three years. recall, became infamous last year for having
betrayed his Fatal Vision subject and collaborator,
wife killer JEFFREY MACDONALD. I really need to
hear 5tOY) McGinniss desperately pleaded co
310/4'?'
one Chappaquiddick principal recently. You have
"LIKE ALL THE LOCALS tIERE l've had to sell my nothing to worry aboiti - you really can trust me. You
home/Too proud to leave I worked my fingers to can. The interview was not granted.
 How000 MAGIC VS. POLITICAL GRNOSTAWUIN
Who Has a Wobblier Grip on the 'I'ruith?

n April 25 Bronx lowest reading scores in TNt ItII PIIWT CONTINUED

Borough President Feman- New York City, I 3 were in
do Ferrer suggested that the Bronx. There were Va/e,,iine'j Daj.'
A i/ic son I(a Scowizan I bird
Warner Bros. adaptation 4,172 new high school gCIti?Ig thoSe ba,idso,,,'
of Tom Wolfes Bonfire of dropouts out of a total of ieignifieent leal/itT bikin,ç'
the Vanities "goes out of its 48,126 Bronx high school gloves. . . aüd. riore. )Otir
way to denigrate the Bronx students. There were 161,000 ,,ote a/xi/I going biking ulib wir
Capua/ui Toolj. lib be in touch
in some particularly offen- children living in families a.I SOlIO au ir hiutv o/ir upri,ig

sive ways." While Ferrer's with incomes below the rina sc/.iedueled aod ij)oui an
dash to protect che reputa- poverty line. There were nur zuith uij one day. it ui/I
non of his 1,223,400 constituents was pre- 756 reported cases of AIDS. (alise I/ic biggest rxci!cme,it lince
E/izalìeih Taylor joined iie
dictable, even unobjectionable, his defense of his On the other hand, it's not as though the pro-
gro/ip?
borough's sullied honor was feel-good cheerleading ducers of the film have been so faithful to their Enc/oied is a book about lome
ofthe most implausible kind. source material that they couldn't make a change our cycle traPe/u and it :ilI be
For the record, here are the facts of life in the or two to assuage some hurt feelings. Mundane gn'a! to beiPe a neu' dIa/iler
Bronx. Last year there were 484 murders, 604 commercialism has already taken a toll on headed "La Ioa. th Capiialiit
Tool.'.'
rapes, 16,220 robberies, 20,659 burglaries, fidelity. Bruce Willis was cast as Peter Fallow,
[signedJ Malcolm
9,577 felonious assaults, 29,698 cases of grand the British reporter ("Victorian-picture-book
larceny and i i 438 ocher felonies. In other blond hair. . . his long pointed nose, his long CASHING IN THEIR CHIPS:
slender jaw, his spindly body"), and for the part OUR PREVIEW OF THE
words, assuming hypothetically that all the per-
GREAT CONGRESSIONAL
petrators and victims were locals, about one out of Judge Myron Kovitsky ("short, thin, MONEY GRAB
3f seven Bronxites was involved in a serious bald. . .with a sharp nose") the producers chose Over the next two years or
:rime. Of the 25 elementary schools wich the Morgan Freeman. John Brodie so, one ol the great spectator
sports for Washington insid-
ers vill be watching to see
which veteran congressmen
opt for a premature retire-
ment in order to profit from
a snon-to.expire perquisite of
PRIVATE LVES OF PuBlic FIGURES membership in the House.
THE SP Y Lisi
Until a decade ago members
Liso Bonet were able to indulge in I

in Angel Heart legal kind ofgrati: when

they decided to retire. they
George Bush were allowed to keep what-
ever money had been donated
John Cale to their congressional-cam-
paign committees. Usually
-
The Exxon Valdez they were able to take hun-
dreds of thousands of dollars.
Jean-Luc Godard
This scandalous arrange-
Barbaro Hershey ment - who knows how
much influence was pur-
Alfred Hitchcock chased with a contribution
that was quietly and patiently
John and Patricia Kluge banked until retirement?
wa.s outlawed in 1980, sort
Leo Johnson from
nf: the fleW law. alas, didnt
Twin Peaks
apply to anyone elected
Les Nessman before i 980. But last year. aS
part of the Ethics Reform
Ozzy Osbourne Act, Congress bravely closed
the loophole, sort of: il you
Frank Perdue want to keep your contribu-
tions when you retire, you
Popi
j: Martha Stewart
have to go before January I.
1993.
'rhis virtually guarantees
Dave Winfield that over the next two and a
Publisher S. I. Neu'ho,tse makes some iop-leel management decisions. halfyears many longtime
Withnail legislators will come to
ILLUSTRATION BY DREw FRIEDMAN

AUGUST f990 SPY fl

 v-
.

% « _ «
I.14JLJ. lD Tuis YEAR WE'LL CALL A TORN ROTATOR
ciLt
CUFF OREL HERSISER'S DIsEASE
Baseball Pyrexia - Catch Ft

?NIiMlPtINY CONTINUI*
the conclusion chat ics rime
to give some )oun pup a
thance. Ind(cd, ics already
happening: Bill Frenzd, who
wa.s first L1eCtd in 197() and
WIR) iS the ranking Republi-
can on clic HOLISe Budget
C.ommiuee. has announced
that 1w will step down, even
though he is only 62; and
l)u Rostcnkowski, also 62.
tile shek machine pol (rum
Chicago who chairs the \Vays
.*nd Means Committee. has
intimated diat his proposal
to balance the budget may lx
hi. l.tst contribution to the
t.ommon good belore he
exits. Olcourse, Frenzel did
flot ment ion whether he
intends w take his $.5S,317
cache with him. nor did Ros-
wnkowski say whether he
pLuis to take the S I million
plus he has socked away. Ed
J ones ol Tennessee has
alretdv stepped down and
(:.ihL(l in his SI 30,685, tIiCI
Sm Stratton of New York
walked away wich Sl98,79.
(ìlso bencting, hut less
personally, Were some con-
grcssmen who died in office
retently. including Claude
l'epjvr of Florida and Dan
Daniel 01 Virginia. who kit
$37,353 anti SI I2,91() that
wasn't really theirs to their
ftq1t.(t ive estates.)
To he sit. some clitihl
members have honorably
retr.iined from grabbing with
both hands, stich as Dick
(:hcn(y, who J)ased up
SÓH,K8 I when he became
secretary of Defense. What
follows s a roster of those
'w. don't know what authority is responsible for thinking up the names ofdiscases. hut whoever
had the genius in the late 1950s to defer to popular usage and call the ghastly affliction amyocrophic
lateral sclerosis "Lou Gehrigs diSraSe ought to be commended. The name communicates so well - it's
simple, memorable, humanized, Why aren't more diseases and syndromes, so often burdened with tech-
nical, polysyllabic, hard-to-rcrncrnbcr names, renamed in commemoration of some ballplayer whose
name' everyone can alrcady pronou ncc'
Performance ofactivities requiring motor coordination is markedly Developmental Juan Samuel's
below the expected level; manifested in dropping things coordination disorder syndrome
Obsessive preoccupationand concern of the parient about his orher Hypochondria Rickey Henderson's
state of health or the condition of his or her organs; magnification disease
olthe intensity ofsensations that mostpersons disregard
Episodes of loss of control of aggressive impulses; the degree of Intermittent explosive David Cones disease
aggressiveness expressed is grossly out of proportion to the stimulus disorder
Patient becomes irritable or argumentative when asked to do some- Passive-aggressive Darryl Strawberry's
thing he or she does not want to do; protests, without justification, personality disorder disease
that others make unreasonable demands; believes he or she is doing a
much better job than others think he or she is doing
Involuntary complex vocal tic involving the use of socially unac- Coprolalia Lenny Dykstra's
ceprable words or phrases, often obscene syndrome
Disturbance in the progression of thought. characterized by a rapid Flight of ideas, or Phil Rizzuto's disease,
digression from one idea to another, though the ideas do not clang association or Scooter flu
progress to some larger point
Patient reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, is interpersonally Narcissistic George Steinbrenner's
exploitative, has a grandiose sense of self-importance, is preoccu- personality disorder syndrome
pied with fantasies ofunlimited success, has a sense of entitlement,
rcxuires constant attention, lacks empathy
Patient basa compulsion to steal, especially without economic motive Kleptomania Bob Engel's disease
Patient places bets obsessively Pathologicalgambling Pete Rose's disease
In men, exaggerated desire for frequent sexual intercourse Satyriasis Steve Garvey's disease
Patient expresses emotion with inappropriate exaggeration, dis- Histrionic personality Billy Martins disease
plays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions, has no disorder
tolerance for delayed gratiñcation
Craterlike texture and swelling on the surface of the proboscis Rhinophyma Don Zimmer dise
-- ¡XI- Fi?WSt C/Ji
- - -- -- - _* - _

representatives eligible for

this windttll, and how much
each stutal to make (or
NO
torgo) as ()I February.
/tla/'awia: 'bm BcvilI (D). o T
$5 I 1 .5 I I William Dickin-
son (D), Si36,'?50; Ronnie
BEACH,
W'LO Cs.) ReAO
I:IiI,I.) (t)). S I UI 2.831
Ari,vsaa: Bob Stump (R),

s I I ,O 't: Morris tidall (D),

$75,879
1rAvinas: 13111 Alexander

(I)), $16,770; Bervi Anthony

(D). $.iS.1,19í;John 11am- o'
mcrsçhmidc (R), $103.81ó
(:ilsj;sra:: Glenn Anderson
(1)). S I 17,2(4); Antlxiiiy
Beiknson (I)), $8 I 5 'S:

2' SPY AUGUST 1990

 _ì I Ì,

#dV b

Ç".j9fr
. Ï.
.

_1

L:
1

1'
"'.'''r
:
.

, f
. w -
h' :

. 'cl
k$
1.A(1DI
//7f?ù?

w
'
i:"
V1f %1

- ::;11

:'
.

,a..
.

$J f. .

1, !__r

3',
.

çr9,
TI;
/

TNt PINI PAINT CONTIHUID
Gcore Brown (D), $56,260;
William Dannemcyer (R),
$38,742; Ron Dellums (D),
$96,288; Julian Dixon (D),
$71,156; Don Edwards (D),
$43,653; Vic Fazia (D).
$502,863; Augustus
Hawkins (D), $148,795;
Robert Lagomarsino (R),
s I 2 1 .893; Jern' Lewis (R).
$137,805; Robrrt Matsui
(D), $756,099; George
Miller (1)), $480,017; Nor-
man Mineta (D). $368,526;
Carlos Moorhcad (R),
S720,386; Leon Panetta (D),
$147,037; Charles Pashayan
(R), $34,803; Edward Roy-
bal (D), $197,879; Norman
Shumway (R). $125,486;
PcceSc.irk(D), $243,198;
William Thomas (R),
$187,683; Henry Waxman
(D). $467,258
Colorado: Pat Schroeder
(D), $255.297
Florida: Charles Bennett
(D), $317,943; Dante Fasccll
(D), $596,914; Sam Gibbons
(D). $623,643; Earl Hutto
(D), $80,789; Andrew Ire-
land (R), $90,333; William
Lehman (D). $2l6,381; Bill
Young (R), $332,266
Gt'orgia: L)oug Barnard Jr.
(D), $556,990; Newt Ging-
rich (R), $31.915; Edjenk-
ins (D), $467,600
Haua,i: Daniel Akaka (D),
$131,166
Illinois: Frank Annunzio
(D), $190,777; Cardiss
Collins (D), $224.112;
Philip Crane(R), $110,290;
Henry Ilyde(R). $212,572;
Edward Madigan (R),
$450,253; Robert Michel
(R), $128,604; Dan Ros-
tcnkowski (D).
$1,052,462; Martin Russo
(1)), $51,052; Sidney
Yates (D), $247,037
Indiana: Lee hamilton (D),
$135,217; AndrewJacobs
(L)), $17,858;John Myers
(R). $96,292; Philip Sharp
(D), $219,755
¡oua:Jim Leach (R),
$35,55 I ; Neal Smith (D),
$344,864; l'homas Tauke
(R). $300.004
Kansas: Daniel Glickman
(1)). $127,475; Bob Whit-
taker (R), $524,099
Kentacky: Larry Hopkins
24 SPY AUGUST 1990
A u u s T
DATEBOOK encroaching autumn Edge is born David sponsors a walking tour
Enchanting and breeze, Kip and I Howell Evans, 1961; entitled "The East
Alarming Eventi realized that what we hairline starts to Village: Where
Upcaming were hanging on to was, recede, I 970; last seen Greenwich Village
i The Iris and B. in fact, our youth." without a hat, 1986. Reinvented Itself." The
Gerald Cantor Roof i Al D'Amato turns 9 Ocean City, New tour costs $ 1 5. That's
53, not an ideal age at J ersey, hosts its annual
Garden opens its fourth right-you pay 15
season atop The which to receive a Baby Parade. At the bucks to step over
Metropolitan Museum prison sentence. scene live, WABC-TV 1981 issues of Discover
2 On PBS's and Oui.
of Art. Crafty Upper Eyewitness
27 First round of the
East Side schoolboys ThisOld '
News
puffball
saw holes in the floor House, Steve -
Chauncey U.S. Open Tennis
anti dangle their legs and Norm ;. A Howell
:
Championships; the
into the Lila Acheson continue their USTA National Tennis
.
reports,
Wallace Wing below, restoration of __ .. . .-a
"Kaity, Center, Flushing
fooling snooty a Concord barn. Terra- things here have Meadows-Corona
museumgoers into cotta tiling begins. slowed down - Park, Queens. As usual,
thinking that a new 3 Denzel Washington to a crawl!" the bleachers are filled
Red Grooms exhibition opens in Richard ill; i 8 On PBS's Honietime, with leathery middle-
has been mounted. Delacorte Theater, Dean and JoAnne roof aged wives wearing
Years later, one of the Central Park. And the a three-season porch. tennis whites, as ¡fat
25 On PBS's any moment the
mischief-makers writes Jaycees in Sheboygan The
¡n his best-selling, self- sponsor "Bratwurst Collectors, Dana and linesman might say,
aggrandizing boyhood Days," a Bob visit Drayton Hall, "Ladies and gentlemen,
memoir, "As that bratwurstagan-za a southern plantation, Steffi Grafhas torn a
summer at the Met to appraise silver and
featuring a flea market, ligament in her right
drew to a close, as our a stumpfiddle contest furniture. hand. You, in the first
dangling legs grew and yep! - bratwurst. 26 The Museum of the row, in che Fila
goosepocked from the 8 U2 guitarist The City olNew York ensemble-service!")
- -.---'-----.------.----,'--------- -,'---- -'------- -------------.--------.-----'. -,.-----.,----. ..-,'- --,,------'-.-' ',_,_'____-__-_-.__Th. -..--,---.-----.----
/
t
--
Capsule ¡lovie Rt'ieuii by Walter "Dateline: The Copa " Alonheit
the Movie Publicist's Friend
,#J
TIlE FRESHMAN, starring MarIon Brando, Matthew Broderick (Tri-Star)
Wa/te, Monheit says."Broderick graduates into a class with Brando, and corn-
mencernent's at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion! But uk-oh, better grease up
the freight entrance for MarIon! Hey, Oscar-get the buttert"
AIR AMERICA, starring Mel Gibson, Robert DowneyJr. (Tri-Star) ÇÇ
Waiter Monheit says. "Taxi down the runway, Bobby Jr.! Cap'n Oscar just
cleared you for takeoff!"
DARK M,N, starring Frances McDormand, Liarn Neeson (Universal)
Walter Monheit says. "Mel and Warren - beat it! Michael J. - amscray! Sum-
mer '90 Neeson season! O000f!"
What the monocles mean: - excellent; ppç' - indisputably a classic
 How YOUR
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DAFFYNITION TIME!
ORULHNC IN OUR TIME Ode-to-ihe-Ont,çoing-Mana,ging-Editor Editior

T,II PINI PuNT CONTINUtO

"Makes you want to go back and read every word DOWN
Kate Simon has ever written, then wait hungrily
(R). $660.682; Carroll Hub- for more." - Le Anne Schreiber on K- Simon's 1Haifo1acomnc
bardjr. (D). $266.876; team OIRIEISJ
Romano Mazzoli (D),
Bronx ¡)yjjj/jj,
$19,721
2Synan,eg. WIA1L1KLA
Lou:jiana: Lindy Boggs "Le Anne Schreiber has written of the eternal 3Me.xpelociE. jRiAjB1B!I IT
ONeill iu1N MIA
(D), $28,789; Jerry Huckaby
(D), S3()9,896; Robert Liv-
ingston(R). $181,112
Pas de deux of life and death with a clear eye,
with compassion, with verity, and with high 4 Inuit iS tRIO
Maryland: Beverly Byron skill." - Simon on Schreiber's Midst reani
(D), $61,305 - n'pr:,itedfivm The New York Times. i'.lay ¡O md i I. 1990
MaJsach,.oftt.: Silvio Conte
(R). $280,667; Brian Don-
neUy (D), $457,829; Joseph
"Herb Stein's guide for the perplexed arrives in
Early (D), $125,091; EJ the nick of time." -George F. Will on Herbert
Markey (D). $493,52 I; Ste i n 's Presidential Eco,zomis
Nicholas Mavroules (D),
$97.748;Joe Moakley (D), CELsnAL HINDSIT
$378.91 3; Gerry Studda (1)), "A marvel of style, personality, character, learning Spy --i- Ho'oscopejr Skeptics
$92,785 and intelligence." - Stein 00 X'ills i L'c P/er./:., i

Michigan: David Bonior \

,
tUe ¿f Other Toy Notions
(D), $238,637; William Subject: MICHAEL MlI.KEN I

Broomfield (R), $655,542; Sign: Cancer (h. 7/4/46)

John Conycrs (I)), $18,466; Date: April 24, 1990
Bob Davis(R), $143,085; "Breathtaking, brilliant'y executed." - Edna Notable Activity: Pleaded guilty to six felony
John Dingell (D), $268,707; Buchanan on John Kit '-,ich's Day oJ
William Ford (D), $223,618; I?ecl'oning
cliares, including conspiracy, securities fraud and
Dale Kildec (D), $24,651; mail fraud; agreed to pay fine and restitution total-
Carl Pursell (R), $154,564; "A helluva book." - Katzenbach on Buchanan's ing $600 million, which reporedly will leave him
Bob Traxler (D), $295,029; Nobody Ligies
with $1 billion
Guy VanderJagt (R),
$133,864; Howard Wolpe Horoscope: "You have a great gift, the ability to
(D), SI 17,486 spit in the eye ofcalanìity, and you may have to all
Mipipzeso:a: Bill Frenad (R), Hou'ard Kaplan on it this month. In the face of natural disaster or
S358,347;James Oberstar
(D), $347,843, Martin Sabo terrorist attack, remember that. . .you will always
(D), $279,688 Arlan Stange- ................................... have enough to eat. " - Michael Lutin, Vani!)' Fair
land (R), $84,5 I 6; Bruce
Vento(D), $214,503
Missiiippi: Sunny Mont- Subject: MIKI-iAll. GORBACHEV
gomery (D). $1 16,627:Jamie Sign: Pisces(b. 3/2/31)
Whicten (1)), $435,184
Missouri: Tom Coleman ( 6vy's Do ('.EM
Date: May I, 1990
,__'_%________ '_'___-_'--;-.
(R), $127,908: William Clay
¿:1
Ce4T$ TH(S JA Notable Activity: Ar May Day parade, endured
ir
(D), $7 I 878; Dick Gephardt r1
L .
ji'
-. J
t'-%
-
f f f; !'AC$
ESSOftL protests from disgruntled Soviet citizens, who
(D), $6,796; Ike Skelton (D), r'T
:' /.'c shouted that he should resign
$317,244; Harold Volkmer
(D),$175,871 Horoscope: " An emotionally charged show-
,'lUnIana: Ron Marknee down . . Comnìunicate your feelings honestly. Don t
. .

(R), $104,381; Pat Williams ':

take things too personally." - Usha, USA Today
(D), $142.752 ç/ \
Nebraska: Douglas Bereuter
(R). $81,064; Virginia Smith
-/
Subject: ZSA ZSA GABOR
(R), $32.551
NewJersey: Frank (;Lzarini Sign: Aquarius (b. 2/6/20, reportedly)
'
\
(E)). $167,088; William Date: May 1, 1990
Hughes (D), $186.613: Notable Activity: Was sentenced to 60 additiot
Matthew Rinaldo (R). hours o public service after judge said she had
$878,982; Robert Roc (1)),
$533,628 served her previous sentence for slapping a Beve I'
Neu' York: Thomas 1)owney Hills police officer
(D), $443.755; Hamilton Horoscope: "You've gotten yourself into a compi-'
/
Fish (R). $1-47,815; Ben-
jamin Gilman (R),
/7/) and gooey weh, and in spite of all your bravauo
$153,546; Bill Green (R), you feel trapped." - MichaeL Lutin, Vanity Fair
-O\J
$243,935: Frank Horton - George Man'.

26 SPY AUGUST 1990

 RESTAURANT & BAR

55 WEST 21st. ST NEWYORK. N.Y.1001 1212.929.0740

 Jc4
TNt flML Pils! CONTIHUID
(R), S165,180;John LaFalce
(D). $516,075; Norman
Lent (R), $600,166;
Matthew McHugh (D),
$131.835; Henry Nowak
(D). $205,369; Charles
Rangel (1)), $331,198;
James Scheuer (D). $264;
Steve Solarz (D),
$1,393.257; Gerald
Solomon (R). S I 3 1 480; Ted
Weiss (D), $77,462
North Carolina: Bill HeI-
ncr (D), $234,685; Walter
Jones (D), $297.227;
Stephen Neal (D),
$123,251; Charles Rose (D),
$438,720
Ohio: Douglas Applegate
(D), SI 39,381; Willis Gradi-
son (R), $408,104; Tony
Hall (D), $287.533; Thomas
Luken (D). $48.017;
Clarence Miller (R),
$105,581; Mary Rose Oakar
(D), $39,048; Don Pease (D),
$320,936; Ralph Rc8ula (R),
$89,918; Louis Stokes (D),
$208.537; Chalmers Wylie
(R), $65,638
Oklahoma: Mickey Edwards
(R), $59,927; Glenn En1ish
(D), $269.823; Mike Synar
(D), $104,327; Wesley
Watkins (D), $156,052
OreSon: Les AuCoin (D),
$373,960
Pernzy/ra,ia: WI Il ¡am
Clinger (R), $126,728;
Lawrence Coughlin (R).
$260,846; JoSeph Gaydos
(D), $114,555; William
Goodling (R), $10,735; Bill
Gray (D). $32,649; Joseph
McDade (R), $3 I 8,227;
Austin Murphy (D).
$81,453;John Murtha (D),
$256,392; Donald Ritter
(R), $69,721; Richard
Schulze(R), $356,012; Bud
Shusrer (R), $174,595; l)ottg
Walgren (D), $185,343;
Robert Walker (R), $55,480;
Gus Yatron (D), $165,969
South Caroliaa: Butler Der-
rick (D), $183,056; Floyd
Spence (R), $33,270
Thrnessee: Harold Ford (D),
$6,486; Marilyn Lloyd (D),
$149,940;James Quillen
(R), $881,704
Texas: William Archer (R),
$644,472; Jack Brooks (D),
$527,629; Kika de la Garza
(D), $118,388; Martin
28 SPY AUGUST 1990
:Ì/d:A ''PAROONNE1-Mul, Où Esr UN PAR/s/EN AVEC
HUMANITÉ Oil COMPASS/ON?''
1% SPY P,o,mmiation Gazeueerfor the World Traveler
t is not uncommon for American tourists to find tlwniselves in situations in which their grasp oI
the naive language proves inadequate. Part ofche J)r[)1en is that traditional pllr;ISC books, so quick to
inform us how co respond politely in situations involving cousins or gloves, are much less hclpfiil when
the ride of events turns to personal inconvenience and unpleasantness. Thus clic visitor ro Pamplona,
ecuipped with scores of flowery phrases about vino and arte, finds himself ill equipped to impress upon
others the fact that he has been gored by a bull and is unable co clot. Herewith, a briel guide to corn-
municating abroad, with special emphasis on some ofthe phenomena the international traveler may ac-
tually encounter.
We are confused by the Li,b tay-lay-PHONE noo We are sunburned and Es-TAH-mos toe-STAFF-
telephone. pah-RAY coìa-ftice-KAY angry. doie pore el sole ce en-Jab-
DA H-dose.
Our waiter has NO-trrb sair-VOOR nr»-
abandoned US. ZAK ah-lw,-do-NAY The younger of your El may-NOR day soo.r dose
two sons has urinated EF-boce ah oh-ree-NAH-
Six thousand francs' See ?Ileelfranhs? Vr» dub- on OU luggage. doe en ?!eu-ae-1, eh-bey-
Surdv Voti arc joking. VAY sair-tei-l1lONH play- PA H-hay
sonh- TA Y
- henry A/Jo;?!
Our luggage was sen to Lay NO-stray vah-LEE-jay
Parma. so-no STAT-a3' speb-DEE-
lay ah PA k-ma. SPARAT[D 1 BIRTH?
. . .to London. . . . ah LON-dra.
. . 'to Zagreb. . . . ah Zab-GAH-b'e-;ah.
We have been waiting Ah-RYAH-mo ab-speh-
three hours. TAH-to Iray OR-ay.
We are made Eel VO-siro SEN-so del 00-
uncomfortable by your more-!Z-no peu-TOAST-o
rather lively sense of spic-CAH-io /e DAH-z'ah
humor. ¡ahi-TEE-dec-o. Maria Maples... and Monty Hall'
Someone has had Ku'al-KOO-no ab- VA Y-vah
i n tercourse on our bed! FA 11-to dell SES-so soci
NO-uro LET-to!
cl ilyIr
Our valuables have htn OON-2a/' ¿'c,l-(,y-gn-
1HÍIT 'J*1L
StOICfl SHTEN-da ZiZI geh-
SHTOH-len! _
Father Bruce Ritter...
'
and Stella Stevens?
Our valuables have been OON-zair ziert -gay-ge?!-
washeai SHTEN-da zita geh-
VOSH-en!
Ii1LI
Alter dinner we walked Ah-ha-RAY ha-ah-R(X)-ha
near the settlement, ha-LAKH-noo I.M'-yabd
where we were held at
gunpoint by strange
men.
ha-yay-SH(X)V Pay-flay-el-
SAR-noo all-yay-DAY ah-
nah-SHEEM :ìux-zah-REEM. Johnny Depp...
4 ;f
and Bond girl Talisa
Soto?
 One of the most infIuenfia

b
E blues k 'n roll singers of all

cI
p
tun James is armed with

'-J J I4t*tL1t
so most powerful RU b
'-J
II ><
you've ever heord, on

i k new, Stickin To My

J
I

Guns. This is ihe American

v
=
- _
__

_
The Godfather cl British Blues
D
Culture, its the blues, says Etto. "i

Iya11 is hera to please hs _______________________

lust wanted to bring it up to the

present. She puts the old with the

D Ulr'7es
ce his familiar r
:

:-
i

new, and slays timeless and true.

growing apprive oudiene. A

'u
3oie
Sense Of Place features his i

i b
heartfelt vocals, boogie-bosed

Lg,
n Blues, rock n roll, Creole .. forget

planoS
soulful harmonica and most

of all, his impeccable taste. i UI

the categories Thr&

'u' okesFire,BuckCae o I e

i
'u

3:
Zydeco rocks their roots like never

before. Smokin' as always, Stanley

'Buckwheot DuraI and his bond

*. capture all the soulful energy

necessary for o floor shokin, fo

'

I
'
stompin' good time.
T'

d
Q
ISlAND
compact discs, cassete
,
i

und records
-
 1TiJi ALL Aoot.f, A THE TIME
Oi the Eve ofGerman Reunification, a Guide to TVs Ad Hoc Nazi Network

THI PINI PtNY CONTINUID
Frost (D), $384,705; Henry
Gonzalez (D), $65,181;
Marvin Leath (D), S487,353
Jake Pickle (D), $182,344;
Charles Scenhoim (D),
$58,785; Charles Wilson
(D), $51.833
Waihington: Norman
1)icks (D), $310,852; Tom
Foley (D), $703,371; Allan
Swift (D), $234,591
Weji Virginia: Nick Rahall
(D), $481,236
Wisconim: Les Aspin (D),
$230,5 10; Robert Kasten-
mejer (D), $28,570; David
Obey (D), $307,182;
Thomas Petri (R), $339,979;
Toby Roth (R), $268,464;
a regime that ended nearly halla century ago, the Third Reich still
gets an awlul lot of television time. In any given sitting, a viewer with the
full complement of cable channels is virtually guaranteed a chance to see
armbanded troops goose-stepping through Berlin while ominous tympanic THE Ill SMITH
rolls fill the soundtrack and a Richard Basehartlikc voice-over portentously
a n nounces, "March J 93 9 . . . Hit/er dec/ares the dissolution of Czechoslovakia. " The
TOT[ BOARD
Arts & Entertainment Network is prime operative in staking out airwave A Monthly Tally
Lebensraum, reliably offering hours and hours of war documentaries each
week, many of them Hitler-related. 'The audience is very vocal about these Donald Trump ............ i .8
shows," explains A&E publicist Pamela Gidclon. "1 see all these shows on
Liz herself ...................... 2
Rommel and Hitler and wonder sometimes. But they fare well in the rat-
" Ivano Trump ............... 2.4
ings. Fortunately, during those rare time slots when A&E is instead airing
A&EJ An Evening at the Improv or sundry British foppery, other networks Marlo Maples ............. 4.8
pick up the slack, creating, in effect, a dream come true for white suprem- Barbara Bush ................ 6
acists and adolescent war-game buffs: the Hitler Channel! A Current Affair ............ 6
Herewith, a full slate* of HTV for the typical sample week
Diane Sawyer ................ 6
beginning February 1 , 1990, which was, incidentally, several weeks before
1

Warren Beatly ............... 8

J ames Sensenbrenner (R),
$166,192
(A ndrra Rider assisted i,:
rirc.irching ¡hispiere.)
I'S ON THE PRIZE
Once again it's time ro look
at somc of the jour-
nalists whose work was sub-
mitted for a Pulitzer prize. in
an effort to lind out who is in
favor with his or her boss.
From The New York
Tinirs,executive editor
Max Frankel nominated
Jane I3rody, Vincent Canby,
Steven Crist, Maureen Dowd,
Walter Goodman, Linda
Greenhouse, Jane Gross,
Gina Kolata, Nicholas
Kristofand Shervi WuDunn
(who won), Bruce Lambert,
Andrew MaLcolm, David
Margoiick, Douglas Martin,
Peter Passell, Frank Rich,
John Russell, Serge Schme-
A&E premiered Art in the Third Reich (two parts), Biography: "Joseph
Goebbels" and Mussolini: The Untold Story (two parts).
SUNDAY
A&E. 5:00 p.m. The Eagle and the Bear:
"Dateline: 1945. Road to Berlin." (½ hr.)
A&E, 6:00 p.m. OrCentmy: "World War
II," part 2o13. (1 hr.)
WWOR 7:00 p.m. l'V 111m: In.ci/c tI,c
Third Reich ([982), part 1 of' 2. Rutger
Hauer, Blythe Danner. (2 hrs.)
MONDAY
The Movie Channel, 8:00 a.m, Film: lCd-
l"j Heroes (1970). Clint Eastwoud, Telly
Savalas, Don Rickles. All-star cast engi-
neers a gold-heist mission behind Nazi
lines. (2½ hrs.)
WWOR, 8:00 p.m. TV film: l,side tJ)e
Third Reich (1982), part 2 o(2. (2 hrs.)
TUESDAY
A&E, 6:00 a.m. Golden Age of Television:
Katharine Hepburn ...... 8
Frank Sinatra ................ 8
WEDNESDAY TinaBrown ................. 12
WHiM, 8:00 p.m. Entertaining the Troops. PanAm ....................... 12
Tribute to performers who entertained Sylvester Stalione ........ 12
military troops at home and abroad, espi.
Robert Coro ................ 24
daily during World War El. (2 bra.)
A&E, 9:00 p.m. Our Centitry: "World War Lenin's "disastrous"
11,.' parr 3 o13. (I hr.)
ideology ..................... 24
WNJM, 10:00 p.m. Hou flit/e, Lost the
spy ............................... 24
\tir. Documentary. ( I ½ his.)
Frank Stallone ............. 24
THURSDAY
A&E, 8:00 p.m. Heroes: "Forrest Vosler."
Documentary about radioman-gunner
Vosler, whose B-17 went down in the
English Channel in World War Il. (½ hr.)
TNT, 8:00 p.m. Film: Flying Leathernecks
(1951). J1)l1Iì Wayne, Robert Ryan. Marine
V/RAT'S IN
pilots get in on the World War Il action. A NAME?
(2 hrs.)
WNJM, 10:00 p.m. Showbiz Goes to War. Our i%loulh/)' Aiiagraiii

mann, Philip Shenon and "Operation Spark. " David Wayne plots to David Steinberg. host. Chronicle of the A ,ia/ cic

Michael Winerip. Editorial
Pg editorjack Rosenthal
nominated David C. Ander-
son. Former Time; arts
reporter Samuel G. Freedman
nominated Tinies rock critic
Jon Pareles.
Lou Colasuonno, managing
editorofthc Neu' York Pojt,
nominated his boss, editor in
chiefand columnist Jerry
Nachmaii cvidcnrly
because he thought, with
assassinate Hitler. (!Ai hr.) entertainment industry's contributions to
OPTI FAST
Cinemax, 2:30 p.m. Film: Hitler (1962). the war effort during World War II. (2 bra.)
FAlSO TIP
Richard Basehart, Mario Emo. (2 hrs.)
The Disney Channel, 6:00 p.m. Film: Star FRIDAY
ELVIS PRESLEY
Wars (1977). Mark Hanìijl, Harrison Ford, TNT, 2:30 o.m. Film: Reachfor Glory YES, SERVE PILL
Carrie Fisher. High-tech space fantasy (1962). Harry Andrews, Kay Walsh.
whose villains borrow blatantly from Nazi British World War H drama. (244 bra.) PRESIDENT FIDEL
iconography. (2 hrs.) CASTRO
A&E, 8:00 p.m. Biography: "The Fat1 SATURDAY CAST FRIENDLIER DESPOT
Attraction of Adolf Hitler," ptrt 1 of 2. A&E, 4:30 p.m. Profi/es: Adolf lliticr.
(1 hr.) (½ hr.) LEWIS LAPHAM
WNYE, 10:00 p.m No Father, No ¡ti cahe: WLIW, i 0:00 p.m. \ ì,./í/ tV'v': "France WELL, A MISHAP

complete oójectit'iiy, that Nach- No Uncle Sam. World War I I orphans. Falls. ' Documcntary. ( I hr.)
man called to mind no (1 hr.) - David Kamp GENERAL MOTORS
ont. so much as Walter Lipp- LARGEST NO MORE
mann in his heyday. Nach-
mandidnrwin. *j'hiç schedule dot's not includc reruns of Hogi,i'i Hrr,vs or Ccmbat in syndicition. Andy Aaron

30 SPY AUGUST 1990

 ':.
.

.
L:;: i

:
'
-
FONtYVODIATO
-
A FOIIR-CLAR RATJNG.
'
,,tl..

RUSS/4,4

197
_
I
-Ti:: =;:-
'

p)

- 'Çh-'

*1

I
.

,1

FOR OVER A CENTRY

z
Till REIGNING VODKA
 Ill ¡I1(1 p niiiiu'i
Ì_Oi Ii lIJ11IUI

No. 1: RICHARD NixoN's IN THE ARENA.

A MEMIIIR OF VICTORY, DEFEA T AN/i RENEWAL
All ii/atería! in quote.c IcI//aI/y taken from book!

Au5u5t ç, 1974 1-T::-

'Finaliy,
it wa aU over"

"I was down,

but no out...."

- '

" Lhouht that now, a

phlthti5'
,.. ': '..
.
least, mh a Ii1Ie
- reUef from the merciless
-
attacks of the critics. It ( :-
was not to be.
.
. . .

:
-
,-
,,,
"Judge Sirica wanted me
' -- J

.
¡n his courroorn. he
ordered three doctors .
.

tocornetoSan '
'S

Clemente . t0 see the

!
. , if

reports of the seriousness S

5*
S

,./__
o1myiIInesweretrue.... ,Ï_-_-
f
s.
One was obviousv . . .

-
___'___\,___,,__ -
embarrassed by Ehe
who'e exercise, but the
You heard what other two seemed, to
his wife said-rio enjoy their work.'
it,
heroic meajurej,

(
/ey
can, e
'The wounds of body and
I
NewYork, IççO
The Toay5howayjn
('.AS
. .
I once said to Chou En-Sai
.
eopitics b1ah ah ah., .
k
.

the China card

.

. . .
.

ah..
. .

AIAPT,vrloN In' BRUCE HANDY

32 SPY AUGUST 1990
I1.I.tiSTRATI0N [W KYLE BAKER
 ItJ1J at:
''THERE'S A MAKE-BEliEVE Fv N M Soup''
An Irresponsible SPY G,ide to Consumer Complaining

u_. onely? Crave a response from people? Want someone co write to besides those Indonesian pen pals who always end up ask-
ing for boat fare to Hawaii? Apart from sitting right down and writing yourselfa letter, theres something else you can cry: writ-
ing to corporate America. Most [arge companies have special departments set up just to listen co you. Though they exist mainly to
receive complaints about their companies' products, they'll be happy to read anything sent to them - fan mail, hate mail, border-
line-psychotic variations on the two preceding categories.
In return, you're likely to get an answerjudging from our experience, an all-too-accommodating answer. And also free coupons,
free samples, recipes, pamphlets and even, occasionally, U.S. currency. For the price of a rented post office box in Mississippi, si'y
got skilled typist DAVID ADAM to send out under cover of various pseudonyms I 5 spurious consumer-complaint letters.
t(.JI:,iI- Lt.]'1'14 (.1:1 â:1 Ik '('L11 1'Y1 1IJ
JLs]Th1
Campbdl Soup Co. Fratico-Arnericm 1òo ¿.c1aunous; couldnt separare 30 days Lettr from companys consunr corrcspondcnt expressing ap-
SpaghettiOs the little Os prcciation for cime consumer took to comment; two coupons
for nw jtircIas of free products from Campbell. Swanson,
Franco-American, V-8, Pepperidge Farm. Prego, Mrs. Paul's,
Vlasic, Marie's, Early Califorua, Casera, l)urkcc- or Open Pit
brands
Coors Brewing Co. Coors Light bier Kcroscne taste (sugzcstion that I 2 days Letter from company's COnSUmtí-iflformatiot) assistant assurinJ.
disgruntled factory worker is that higlxst ltlaliry is being maintained: Coors snuvc'nir ball-
contaminating the beer; accusation point pen
of communist conspiracy)
General Foods USA JeU-O Brand Red streak in mixture; children 19 (lays Explanation from senior consumer rqresentative that trace of
French vanilla frightened by blood' another flavor had accidentally been mixed in; three Si
pudding and pie COUpOnS k)r an JeU-O products; form card exclaiming, "lts
fi I I ng
i goxl to hear trou) oti because t helps us help you!"
. . . i

Harrods Christmas Chemical flavor: crumbly texture I 5 days Letter of tleei regret stating that pudding baker had ht-en
1,titltlii (pointed comment about notified, followed three weeks later by second letter. with ex-
disintegranon nf' British empire) planation from supplier that puddings must have been stored
near chemicals, followed by airmail delivery of one fruitcake
two days after that
Keebler Co. Pecan Sandies Violent fit of vomiting after I 2-i days4 None
ingesting rtxluct (inexcusable
P°° al)()LIt losing cookies)
Kellogg Co. Kellogg's Apple No prize in lxx (petulant insistence 3 days Form letter from Kelloggc consumcr-afliirs department thank-1
J acks on the principle olthe thing) ing consumer for bringing matter co their attention; three free
prizes (ghost detectors)
Kikkornan Kikkoman sos' Roast basted with Kikkoman had 20 days Extremely concerned letter from manager of consumer services
International Inc. sauce burned-rubber taste (cheap insult offering to chemically analyze remaining contents of bottle, fol-
abotit Japanese Prt1CtS) lowed three weeks later by manila envelope containing oriental
cookbook and guilt-inducing $5 hilllater returned to Kikko-
man - to pa.' for s1x)iled roast
Kraft General I'O()dS Cracker Barrel Package only three-quarters full 25 days Letter proposing specious theory about "air bubble"; check for
Inc. extra-sharp (unfavorable comparison with $3.25; coupon for free package of cheese and another for 35
Cheddar cheese Japanese packaging) cents offany other Kraft lL1rchase
'fhomasJ. Lipton Inc. Lipton Flo-Thru Tags came off little strings (nostalgic 27 days Assurance from consumcr-aWairs department tli,it Lipton prod-
tea bags recollection of'good old days and ucts are manufactured under strict supervision; coupon for free'
company's better. sturdier tea bags) L'sx of tea bags; one' iitton 'l'ca I 00th-anniversary bookmark
Nabisco Biscuit Co. Triscuirs Insect legs woven into crackers I 25 days* None
Pilot Corporation of Pilot BP-S fine- Peit breaks at knurled section on 2 1 days 1_euer apologizing for inconvenience while asserting quality of
America point ix'n t()I) has happened 20 times Pilot products; one rcplacenent BP-S int'-poinr peu
(insinuation of flawed design)
'l'hc Procter & Pringles (:hij,s weren't perfectly stacked in I 24 days* None
Gamble Co. chips cylinder; only thing in the world
consumer could count on has let
him down
Ralston Purina (;. oat Bran Options Extreme flatulence experienced I 8 days Consoling letter from company nutrition specialist; offer to an-
airer eating product; resulting alyze contents ofsuspect cereal box; coupons for four free boxes
embarrassment otan)' Ralston cereal
Sara Lee Bakery Sara Lee pound Cake feU apart at touch ofknifc; lo (lays Letter from consumer-services department hypothesizing that
cake dinner party absolutely ruined extreme temperature changes caused prI)lem and asking where
product was purchased; coupons for one free pound cake and 25
cents off any other Sara Lee purchase; recipe flier promocin
Sara Lee bagels
Van Camp Seafood Chicken ofthc Sea Grayish mass in middle ofcan(hint 17 (lays Lt'ss-tluan-reassuring lette'r suggesting grayness was may
Co., Inc. tuna that consumer's schizophrenic caused by small piece oflish skin; coupons for two free' cans
disorder was aggravated by this)
-

*And councan
-

AUGUST 1990 SPY 33


:j.j.j 4:
ERROLLY
HE Roiis I m not a man
j bypassing Random's legal and research
A i. o N G : S i s
easily surprised,
hut even I was
NEW GUY
taken aback
A T when Pantheon,
P A N T H E O N
a stercotypi-
- - catEy bookish
backwater of left-
ist, Bob Bernstcinesque propriety,
became this years theater of power strug-
gle within the Newhouse empire. I was
bemused again when the Pantheon hoo-
ha - begun when Si Newhouse decided to
scale back the unprofitable imprintcu-
maxed with the appointment of my old
friend Errol! McDonald, a New York
nightlife fixtLLre, as executive editor of the
foundering house. The post had been
vacated by André Schiffrin, Pantlìeons
beloved avatar, after Newbouse ordered the
cutbacks. The ensuing exodus olsanctimo-
nious Pantheon workers coincided with tureshe was out gamboling with his bottle ofJack Daniel's he keeps in his
McDonald's Neu York Times Op-Ed piece, author Jack Henry Abbott the night oce. lie spent much of Random
"At Pantheon Books, A Welfare Mentali-
ty,' in which he asserted that Pantheons
troubles owed themselves to the incompe-
tence and arrogance of Schiffrin and his
editors.
One would assume from such a tack
that McDonald is a model of fiscal pro-
bity. Uh . . . no. His track record suggests
an editor of not insubstantial talents but
One with few bottom-line successes.
Indeed, he is responsible for one of Ran-
dom Houses more colorful and expensive
blunders oldie 1980s.
McDonald had apparently run into
Klaus Kinski at a pary and, George Wei-
denfelcistyle, signed him up on the spot
wich a $250,000 advance to write his auto-
biography. When the erratic German
actor's manuscript failed to materialize,
McDonald selflessly (kw to Rome, where
he stayed on while Kinski wheedled some
more time out of him. Returning to New
York with a putatively finished manu-
script, McDonald sprang into action,
34 SPY AUGUST 1990
,Th
taj'
Ern,//
departments. Only when a publicist won-
dered aloud about the book's libel poten-
tial - Kinski's All I Need is Love: A Memoir
was perhaps the only autobiography oí the
year to describe 162 sexual encounters,
with names and olfactory details
includeddid McDonald's boss, Joni
Evans, discover that he had ignored the
standard, tedious routing procedures.
Evans ordered a team of lawyers, who
vetted the book Lintil the last possible
minute. The story would end there, except
that a German publishing firm infbrmed
Random House that it had already pub-
lished portions of Kinski's manuscript.
Evans, by this time apoplectic, stopped
shipping the book to stores after the origi-
na! lO,000-copy printing.
Such a debacle might cripple another
career, hut McDonalds picaresque adven-
Abbott murdered a young waiterserve
only to propel him upward, from
subsidiary-righs salesman at Ran-
dom in 1977, to junior editor, to
. .
.
executive editor of Vintage Books
and now to the exalted steward-
shipolPantheon.
Preternaturally energetic at
nigh, McDonald fairly glides
through the Random House
offices during the day. He tends to
ignore workaday American writers
and has been known practically to
break off communication with
authors once their manuscripts are
turned inthat includes sparing them
the bother of approving jacket copy. (He
forgot, for instance, to credit the transla-
tor oí the Kinski opus.) His cavalier
regard for deadlines is such that the
refrain "Oh, thats an Errol! book" has
become a Random House euphemism for
Don't colini on that baby's coming in on time.
In short, McDonald exhibits precisely the
Sì
qualitiesa talent for developing a stable
of writers of international importance
(Nobel Prize winner Wole Soyinka, Chine-
British novelist Timothy Mo) and a culti-
yaced distaste for prosaic responsibiliies
and for the bottom linefor which
Schiff'rin'sPantlieonhadbeentakentotask
by Newhouseand by McDonald himself.
Despite the Kinski imbroglio, Evans
cherishes McDonald as an oasis oí bop-
until-you-drop hip in a desert of dweeb-
ishness, and McDonald has tried to ensure
that Evans see him this way. A week
before her arrival from Simon & Schuster,
he junked his office's undergraduate-chit-
ter motif in favor oldiffused lighting and
an abstract painting.
In and out of the office, McDonald
engages in almost nonstop rebel-with-a-
cause posturing. He is rarely without a
cigarette and occasionally swigs from a
House's recent Laguna Niguel sales con-
ference noisily denouncing New-
'The world house to anyone who would listen.
and oil the
"The world and all the women
in it, goes the company saying,
women in it," "are McDonald's oyster." When
McDonald arrived late at Ran-
goes the dom House's 1988 Christmas
party and surveyed a mob of
company
female editorial assistants from
saying, "ore atop a staircase, he inquired of a
pal in his best droit du seigneur
McDonald's style, Which onedoyoii want?
« McDonald flew off to London
0Y5 ter
after getting the job at Pantheon,
and despite the cost cutting that has
eighty-sixed even free milk at the office
coffee machine, he had his stereo flown
over from New York to his hotel in
London. It seems that what is needed at
Pantheon is a healthy dose of nose-to-
the-grindstone attentiveness, but I'm ¡
afraid poor Errol!s nose may not be up
to the task. -ThdStiles
 f_',
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The matching magic is back
Retrn'ì,t trgeIy #(aÇl ': i

ofunlikely look-alikes in this spanking '':.I

newoIIection over 250 pairs and,

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"S' .

FLAHERY Witt GET You TEN PAGES . . . MAYBE

The Tina BrownMike Ovitz Correspondence

Ie public has an unslakabk thirst for boring stories about
Hollywood celebrities. Hollywood celebrities are aware of this.
And so, certain glossy magazineswhich pride themselves on
ofFering chummy, pointlessly inside accounts of life as it is lived
by the stars (journalist has lunch with star,
journalist goes shopping with star, journalist
wipes star's nose after a teary confession, they
bond) - have found themselves over a barrel:
in order to win the stars' necessary coopera-
tion, the magazines have been obliged to
cede editorial control to the very people on
whom they are supposed to be reporting.
Actors and actresses and other famous '#-
normally takes place away from public viewa private affair
between editor and star and star's publicist; we see only the Herb
Ritts or Annie Liebovitz dramatization. Recently, however, a doc-
ument came into our possession that sheds light on these happy,
doings in the world of journal-
ismcumpublic relations.
The document is a letter from Vanity Fair's
editor in chief, Tina Brown, to Mike Ovitz,
.
»
founder and president of the immensely suc-
.. ,
cessful Creative Artists Agencya man Ire-
quently called, by sri' and others, the most
ecooperative
powerful in Hollywood (due to both the
o
.

-
incredible breadth of talent his agency repte-
.
,

people - untrained people who may not have gone to journalism
school or even worked for their school newspapers! get to
choose the writers who will attend to their musings, the photog-
raphers who will immortalize their features, and even, more
more often, the musings and photos that eventually see print.
As appalling as this is, it is no secret. But the process itself
sents and his eagerness to throw his weight around). While
Brown doesnt entirely give away her franchise here, she does
demonstrate some of the lengths to which even a powerftil and
relatively serious journalist will go to get her story. (The letter is
unedited. Any unusual syntax, punctuation or spelling is
Brown's own.)

11n fact, around this time writer
Nancy Collins was co have inter-
viewed Ovitz for an unconsummaced
proÑe in Neu York. Ovita, notori-
ously secretive. has never granted
the sort of in-depth interview
Brown begs him for in this letter.
2R upen M u rdoch 's Prewicrc corn-
petes with Vani:) Fair, ofcourse, and
Browns husband, Harry Evans, was
famously sacked as the editor of the
London Times by Murdoch.
3Ovitz had recently hired New York
publicist Howard J. Rubinstein to
improve CAA's press and give it a
higher profile on Wall Street, the
ultimate source of 5eriQiJ Hollywood
money and power.
4"Packaging," a common television
practice that CAA pioneered for the
movies, involves putting together a
films creative teamstars, writer,
directorfrom one's roster of clients
and then selling the encire "package,"
in all-or-nothing form, to a studio.
Brown's choice of words in expressing
distaste for the term is highly cvoca-
cive: cracs and especially douinmarkez
are buzzwords that Brown falls back
on (synonyms, frcuencLy, forpoor,fa:,
IrnaItralitY or too ethnic) when dismiss-
ing article ideas, people, restaurants
and the like. A sample usage: "Kill
the Oprah profileshe's lust too
dou',rnìarket."
December 19, 1988 5Brown's flattery of Ovitz is well
takento the extent one can argue
that agents have become the auteurs
of modern Hollywood; whether this
has lcd to better movies is another
Dear Mike: question. Brown is more unques-
tionably on target about Ovitz's
I was surprised to hear from a friend who works there that you "extraordinary business acumen":
besides the multiple 10 percents
are on the point of"breaking your silence to the press in CAA collects from irs clients
Premiere," probably to Nancy Collins.1 I felt sure this could not salaries on a packaged film, the
agency is said occasionally to extract
be true, since it would be rather like Marion Brando choosing what one person familiar wich the
'. Falcon Crest" as a vehicle for a comeback.2 I hope that is not process delicately calls "side agree.
menes" or "consulting fees"extra
Mr. Rubenstein's advice.3 hit is, you should fire him. moneys paid by a fi Im 's producers to
However, on the basis that the above is not true, then I CAA for, in essence, delivering the
project in the first place. This is the
thought I should lay out a little more clearly what Vanity Fair sort of thing that in another era the
would do ifyou decided the time was right tocooperate with antitrust division of the Justice
Department might have sued to
a major profile. stop. CAA also pioneered the prac-
tice of forcing movie studios to give
As I see it, the world has a very limited and unsophisticated stars their own development deals,
grasp of what an "agent" does, particularly when that agent is which rarely result in finished
movies but enable an agency to col-
you. Right now, the most hackneyed prevailing Perception oí lect commissions from actors who
you is as a "packager," a term which has a connotation of would otherwise be idle.
crassness that has little to do with what you actually achieve
on a daily basis.4 It seems to me that a better term for your 6irving Thalberg is perhaps the os/y
genuinely liked studio executive in
role in the life of Hollywood would be a catalyst: activating Hollywood history. Having served as
creativity by a gifted sense of talent, material, timing and MGMs head of production between
1921 and his death in [936, he
taste, plus, ofcourse, extraordinary business acumen in brought to the screen such films as
putting it all together,5 Probably no one since Thalberg has Greed, Grand ¡foie!, A Nigh: a: the
Opera and The Thin Man. Some of
seeded so many creative partnerships or brought so many the films Ovita is generally credited
movies to the screen.6 with bringing to the screen are
Gbostbusterj, Legal Eagleí, GM:busters
In addition to what you personally achieve, you have, in a ¡1 and Rain Man.

S6SPYAUGUST 1990
 k 1'
lBrown ernplos a generous verb
¡n5pzrcd to describe Ovitis man-
agerial techniques, which have pro-
duced a rcginwnced, íear-drivcn cur-
porate CLIItUR and have beco %%'ClI
chronicled in tI)CSC pages. P(rha1)s
th most famous expression (AA
culturc is Ovitzs alkgtd tlìrc;u to
de(ccting srrcnvriter Jot Eszrcrhas
last year that my tint soldiers who
go UJ) ;in(I (I)\t 'ilshirc Boulevard
Ca(I) (liv vill blow your brains our."
BA reference ro A ro e G I meier. i i i \vj
Owner of the Pace Gallery in New
York. l-k is Ovirzs art dealer and
friend and served as an arr-sorkl (1)11-
sultant on ¡.aI Eag/o, tor whu.h he
received an a.ssociate-pr(xlucer credit;
Brown apparently using (jitnicher
is
as a go-Ixiween with Ovitz. (L (crc's a
111cc hit of networking: Brown knows
C; Iie t t h roug h r t ra ry agen t
i flic I i
Morton Janklow, with vlion she is
friends thanks largely ro Jatiklows
daughter, Angela. Wi)Om - despite
her Ia&k olappraisable editorial rai-
eilt - Brown had l)resclentlY hired
as an editorial assistant three years
before Wri t ng t his letter.) Si ncc
i
Lcgal Eag/cs. Glimchcr has becone a
lull-fledged film PrtiLlcer (most
notably nl Cori//ai ta :h ¡Uni -
which was fe;it tired n hni:) Fair's
i
October 1988 isSue). with Ovitzs
encouragement and help. lu titis he
,,Jay
serve as somethit)g of
model for Brown (see below).
9lntriguingiy. Brown Jasscs up the
chance to point out that during her
four and a half years (at tiìe time) uí
editing the magazine, she had
deemed only three tither subjects
worthy of her byline. Perhaps this is
because one of tiieni was David
Puttnani. a nemesis of Osiris dur-
ini; Puttoams tenure
is chairman of
Columbia Pictures; the othcrs were
socialite Gayfryd Steinberg. who
subsequentl' befriended Brown.
Princess Diana, who didnt.
Ñ__
very short number of years. crcatecl a consummate CAA 10Brown erroneously rc(ers co a
party Vanity ¡:ji,r sI)onsor((1 nor it
culture. In an entirely ego drivcn business, you have inspired Gett' n Malibu but
MUSCUJÌ
de people who vork for voit mU) irtiig the agency and the the Museum ot Contrnporary
A rt n downtown Los Angeles -
liciits needs before their own comIxrIrive egos.7 This, in first of the maazines splashy
()t
ptrt, ¿.i ves CA A ts un kiLle spcd, efficiency and espri t dc
i brays into I lollywood society.
C()1f)S aixi IS, tnci(I(ntally, t}W source of all the jealousy that
seeks to discredit ir. The aura of leadership you give out.
discomforts rivals vI1() like to think tha all it is is showbiz.
These are SOttiC of the reasons we want co do a memorable
l)ieCe in Vanity Fair that will become the defintivc rckrcncc
of other journalists as vell as readers.
To dramatize the CAA story successfully. we would of course
need very good access to you and the people who work with
YOU. \We would also need you to green light your frieixls and
th t he 0bvous exce un o
clients to cooperate in a way chat would not be perfuntory. 13,hColtcelI. Jesse Koriìbluth is
Which brings me to my tnal Point. Arnie8 and I discussed perhaps tlie...n,osí agreeable (lt all
Fair rcuIars; ir the time of
the notion that might write this profile myself, something
I
Browns writing, lic liid recently
that is very hard for mc to cIo. Although some of the research exted t rc(lulous prhls of
Sigotirncy \Veaver .ind Jodle lostcr.
couIc! be done in New York City, to undertake such cXtCflSi\'C .111(1 the wry issue then on tilt
iI
stands Kornbluth had a stor>
rcportin and research, run a staffof42 and dream up an 80- Ovltzs g(x)d friend and cl krit lirry
lii
píLC magazine every month, an enormous roll on my Levinson. director of Rai,, %Ian (a
CAA akagt>. Also, Kornbluth is
other major obsession. my 3 year old son. He starts a new
insell a screenwriter - his rt
Ii i fi
school in Jarniary and needs me co be with him. Its literally produced work is a docudrama on
Leona and Harr Htlmsk, to air
inj-ssible for me to come to Los Angeles for the two weeks
this ítl1 un Abc: - iiid is thus. as
reporting believe is necessary, tinti Vanity Fai r co-hosts the
i I Brown noies ... knowledgeably well
disposed tiiward (AA. Indeed. this
Man Ray Exlì bit wi t h the Getty in MahO musc he someti)inL of a under.
So vhar to suggest is chat you t n k aga aboti t
I '
I I i ke h i i ii stitenient isen rilar Kornblurh is
.
aware t he agency coot rois t he i ioflS
Jesse Kornblutli coming out in January to do chis piece along chart of important motion picture
the lines l've laid out, knowing that would be watching OVCt I talent.
a rule
it inI.I shaping it every step of the way. Jesse not only has th
sri ng talent to do this piece, he
t i
sophisticated, interested is
U)cl knowledgeably well disposed toward CAA. I Ic.- is also a
l)CrSn the highest integrity.1
of i
The alternative ofwaiting for me seems. frankly, ill advised.
You are right to feel this is the moment to do sonictiting and a
ten page profile would have phenonenat impact. Our
V1 l2More specificaii', univ 33 ixrent
readers include everyone who COUOtS in your business of VanitY I:ur readers have graduar-
700,000
ed froni college (aiìiither 34.4 per-
plus the opinion formers across the board. \Ve're a cent (litiOt CVCU attend one). and
their median hoUselo)ld income is
demographic phenomenon.'2 In the last two months, tlìe a nut rei t hat -upmarkct
I I s'-al 1 -
following people have either written or told me they read VF $38.556 (figures are for 1989).
cover to cover: Henry Kissinger, Brooke Astor, Sidney I.umet,
Ben Iradlee, Don Simpson, John Le Carré, Mrs. Barnet
Ne'iiìati Louis i"i4allc. Calvin Klein, Phi lip Johnson. David
iiid
Gellen, Mike 'X'allace, clic U.S. Ambassador to Manilla,
AUGUST I99OSPY s'
 i
3Its no cwncidencc that thesc peu-
jk rcitI ht- magazine. il not cover
tO tUVCI, at least avidly. Out ot th:
impressive gaggle of I 7 names
Brown drops. all but the two reL-
rive nobodies, Mrs. Barnet Newmtii
and the ambassador to the Phil-
.pIins (Nicholas Plau) have been
spotlighted, for the most part tla-
teringly. in her inaazine. in addi-
tian. Lumc. Malle. Kktn. Mus-
bachcr and Trump hav had their
wives a,id/or children fca(Ltred (in
Augusc 1986 the maai.ine ran a
lJarh review of a novel by Salty
Qii iIJfl. who is married (C) Bcn
flr.,Llkv). Ics also no coincidence ihai
Bro'n is in a I,osition to speak with
these PJ0Pl( on the subject iji their
Icisure-time reading. As readers nl
¡%lirabd/a wilt rcmeml,er. ir was Li
Sm ii h who advised the Bn rish-bi im
Brown chat il SIW wanted tu succeed
siicilly and professionally in Amen-
ca. he would have to make nkç with
the owers that be in the (if
her magazine. which she has tended
ti) (IO. And which is, o1 course. the
subtcxc of this letter.
There are actually two ambitions
at llay hiere. Brown lias made no
scerec of her boredon) with masa-
Lilie editing. and colleatics are cou-
viuicd of her desire to produce titrns
... .
.-
3A RAAAR RRREL
D
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8 SPY At:GUST 1990
Robert Mosbachcr and Donald Trump. In ísct, everyone from
Arafat to Bernie J3riIIsrein!3
I don't chink any other publication today can offer such a
readership, least ofafi a ftn ma like Premiere)4
Can we discuss this the
sync have laded'15
Best,
Tina Brown
(her lather. in fact. vas a ¡rodtitr of
British B-movies). Nt only is shs
lawning over ami important. news-
worthy sul)ject for Ix-r ma.izimie. hut
Ovitz rerest-nts a poteni ial entrée
lof her into thic movie business. As
for him. despite his ¡'tiw-r in holly-
WJHJ(l lie has. by iiuuiy ac. ou ni s,
grown bored with the inherently
undistinguished role of agent; 1w is
s.mid co aspire to a more crc.it uve.
niort- cuiwt-nt ionally respeL ted rule
in che blm community - producer or
.tudio head. \'('ith her canny ¡;m'.iIi
to his creai ivity." gufced sense III
talent and t.iste-. pitis the compar-
ison to Thalbcr. tirown 1Lis co
priwiy these lonins.
.
O. oo O O e°o-o
o 0°eoP0o0 e- o 00 e04OO oo
o
oeO0'oo50 z
OiOO?ØOOO000OC 00 0e OOtOøO0i(OâO0Pfr0O0O..0Ø00e0e0
-
.
-, -
-
to guarantee ihm. profile would have
been an coclual piece of ptiffcry
(Not long aller Brown wrote Ovitz.
he sas the subject of largely positive
stories in 1)0th Inar and Tb. Nia
Yora Ti,,ie; /Ifag,z:,:c hut gave both
the strains ofauld lang publications only the most cursory
cooperation.)
Regardless, Brown and Ovita have
dcvclnped a warmly symbiotic mela-
tionship since tisis letter was writ-
ten. For starters. 5(Vefl CAA clients
vcre on the Covers uf l989s i 2 Van-
Fairs - not diat there is anything
¿1)
sinister in chis. jLlSt that it shows
how much the magazine has to offer
4\Vhat could t,t nuire lownnar- even the most powerful man in I loi-
ket than a fan m.it In lact. I1Yi'?IjtYt lywood. More unusual is Browns
counts among uts ri-aihers a larger recent hahn ol sending Ovita copies
fract ion ol N<)Ph1 SJ.'hl(I attended col- of entcrtainment-relatd stories
lt-ge Ifl(l more uiiemnbers of tlw l)fl» before pubtkation so that. we may
tessional/managenial C lass bau (lOes fairly assume, lic an draw her
I.ar accor(hlng
'%/-il1!!)
((I iknu igraph- attention to any material he finds
is ligures for I 9x9. inconvenient. Meanwhile. he has
thrown her a SCt(5 ol intimate din-
ner parties ic-ac tiring mporiant
Hollywood xrsntgvs. and in Cul-
'c-n City this past spring lie helped
15Brovn means alter che New Ye.ur. deliver a star-scudded crowd ro th-
As it happened. Ovita didni agree Vanity Fa:msponsored bc-nc-fit for
to the Prohie - a surprising, e'cn Phoenix houseall of which has
admirahk act of lorhearamice given clone much to hnst the Los Angek-s
that Brown had lnne c'erything profiles of buch VflUty ¡air and its
shorm of signing an iron had contract savvy editor.
.
-
..... t.--.
Liz SMITE'S
I
THFANNOTAUD
I
EDITION
"I read the first sentence of
this book, threw up my hands
°
: and then stayed up oil night to
000Óa e
c,o
finish." - Liz (ill Thoiiias Har-
,-iss The Silence of the Lambs,
o
ac quotea' i,) the ,cenIy piiblis/xd
o:oo:.000 'ooOOF, ::
iç,
O paperl,ack ditio,i
"Behavioral Science, the FBI
section that deals with serial
murder, is on the bottom
floor of the Academy building
at Quantico, half-buried in
-
:
th e ea rt h -" - the fiit scntence of
_ll1e Stlencc olche Lambs
el a r
 Take Back Your Mind
Announcing a new series of
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FAST CARS,
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FAST WOMEN,
t. O Vi
PR O D U C E R S :
Further Ad-
veilt/ires of Don
and Jeriy: Cer-
n tainly no one
L, A Y S O F
would begrudge a
Pi u N D E R movie producer
his right to get
laid. Like all
young civilizations, Hollywood has an
exaggerated reverence for its traditions,
and the endless quest for the appeasement
of sexual appetites is chief among these.
Nevertheless, even an aging peer like Lew
Wasserman might ask whether Don Simp-
son and Jerry Bruckheimer have taken
devotion to ancient practice too far.
The pair is unrelentingly successfùl, and
Hollywood being Hollywood, they are not
shy about using their box office prowess to
get (a) chicks and (b) more "creatively
involved" in their films, most recently Days
ofThnnder. The 61m was originally supposed
to wrap on February 28. That date was
changed to March 6, then April 2 1 finally
, Thunder a large barn was built for use in women had little interest in the gaffers
becoming, through the beginning of the
summer, a large question mark. After the
schedule was revised three times in one day,
the unit production manager the person
responsible for keeping track ofParamount's
money on the setconfronted the produc-
ers and was told simply to su' the schedule.
The original $35 million budget reportedly
doubled, meaning the picture will have to
earn an all-hut-phenomenal $100 million
just co break even.
The studio systemnow, there was an
institution to revere. Labor was divided
efficiently; people did as they were told;
product flowed in a predictable fashion.
But today everybody's a star and a pro-
ducer and a writer and a directormost-
ly a director. One reason for the budget
hemorrhage on Dayi ofThunder was the
producers' constant bickering with the
director, Tony Scott (Top Gun, Beverly
Hills Cop Il), and the screenwriter, Robert
40 SPY AUGUST 1990
f
Doit JeP)
Towne (Chinatown). Meanwhile, Towne
was bickering with Scott. Theoretically,
the director directs, the writer rewrites as
starry-eyed spring-vacationing coeds and
teased-haired locals would wander into the
gym, hoping ro catch a glimpse of Tom
requested, and the producers make sure Cruise working out. Instead, they were
everything runs smoothly. But on the set treated to the sight ofthe two middle-aged
of Thunder, Scott couldn't set up a shot producers sweating, straining, bulking up.
without Simpson or Bruckheimer, or (Cruise exercised in a private gym at the
Simpson and Bruckheimer, or Simpson, house he was renting.)
Bruckheimer and Towne, yammering and To further enhance their images as
waving hands and generally meddling. So Lotharios, the self-proclaimed Boys of
as the weeks ground on there seemed to Thunder threw a "Welcome to Daytona"
be four directors arguing with one anoth- party at The Coliseum, a plush (for Day-
er, the cameras didn't roll, and the crew, cona) club. Word was passed among the
which was getting paid for 20-hour days, almost entirely male cast and crew that it
racked up a vast amount of overtime. would be a good idea to leave any wives at
Many crew members said they made so the hotel. Most expected a beery feast, but
much money that they could afford to the food was minimal. When crew rnem-
take 1 6 weeks of vacation when the 61m bers asked their bosses where the band was,
finally wrapped at the end of May. one of them replied, This party's not abwit
Robert Towne is a talented screenwriter. rniisic-it'saboatpiwy! Girls, man! Girls!
He has also directed two pictures, Personal More specifically, it was about dozens
Best and Teqidla Sunrise. While he was on of apparently seasoned partygoers who
location in North Carolina for Days of were brought in for the occasion. These
several scenes. Towne didn't like and best boys; they concentrated
the barn; the barn wasn't used. Hoping to see t1eir attentions on guests in the
When shooting shifted to Day- special VIP area that Simpson
ruise work 1fl9
tona, another barn was constructed and Bruckheimer had cordoned
according to exacting out, coeds off. A miniskirted crowd spon-
specifications. All the barn scenes taneously mobbed Tom Cruise,
were subsequently scrapped. were treated and che producers were only too
But even as Simpson and happy ro scoop up the leftovers.
S ea d o
.
' o
Bruckheimer ceaselessly advised (Many of che guests were shocked
their director, their days in Day- sweating to learn that Cruise has a mole in
tona were not all drudgery. Some- one ear.) So successful was the
one on the set was blunt about it: middle-aged romp with the expensively
"Their main concern is getting friendly women that the Boys of
laid.' To that end, a private gym
po ducers Thunder planned a similarly les-
was built in an empty storefront on the cive wrap party, which would include
ground floor of the Marriott hotel in local talent as well as outsiders. But the
which the pajr was staying. The produc- democracy was not total: yes, local
ers ordered that a discreet, hand-lettered women would be invited to the door, but
sign reading DAYS OF THUNDER be only a fortunate few would actually be
replaced with an eight-foot-long neon granted admission.
sign that could be seen from the beach. See you Monday night at Mottons.
This substitution had the desired effect: Celia Brady
 September 1988
LIFE-STYLE HELL! OUR SPEUAI.
Los ANGELES ISSUE
"The sex, che spandex, the pastels,
the car phones, the irony shortage
and the general uncensored dude-
osity that make Los Angeles a
shrine to vapid fun.
Dcomber 1988
SEVENTIES-SOMETHING
A return to the decade ofthe mood
rings, ultrasuede, sideburns and
disco sex-machine Tony Orlando.'
January/February 1989
MR. SmPio GoEs WAsHINGmN
"America's ten dopiest law-
makersall those in favor, say
dub.

March 1989
ISN'T IT IRONI('
How everything in the world
turned 1unnyfromJoe Franklin
(O Joey Heatherton, Twister to

Twinkies and Hawaiian shirts to

Hawaii Five-O.

April 1989
CEI.usRln' GARBAGE
"Coffee grounds of the rich and in-
teroffice memos of the famousa
scientific, sanitary and not at all
te?
SPY
For bcck issues of SPY, send $&OO per copy to SPY,
unseemly investigation.
May 1989 The SPY Building, 5 Union Square West, New York, N.Y. 10003.
IVANA RAMA!
You know her as an Olympic skier,
fashion leader, licensed interior October 1989
------------
designer, hotel executive and wife
to a certain billionaire casino oper-
THE SPY 100
"Our annual census of the 100 most
r
ator from Queens. But of course, annoying, alarming and appalling
ther&s more. With Ivana, thcr&s people, places and things.
a/ways more. November 1989
June 1989 Wiiu AND CRAZY VI.P.s'
LETS MAKE A DEAl. WITH ..SPY goes undercover to Bohemian
THE DEVIL! Grove. Plus, superspecial keepsake
"Ed Koch did it. Time Inc. did it. facsimile edition of SPY 1964 de-
but issue!" j
Barbara Walters did it. A s1y audit I

of Faustian bargains, Mephi- December 1989 III.. ___- !

stophelian transactions and the I- çJ

Iøm_u,u!N.l Buy Tiis MA;AZINp. OR WE'LL w 1w
le.
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w-.. BuItNTiiis FtG o
___-o
July1989
1
"The most hated man in fashion.
SPY's guide to year-end bribery."
o tc.c
L; I &.

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<
.
I

SUMMER FUN Isstii:! y y I1

January 1990 u
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Viit.i IL)KY1S ., -.

1989 AlI Issues

'Smart girls in chainsthe shame
of The New Yorker! Conjugal net-
1990 AIl Issues
working in Hollywood.

AUGUST 1990 SPY 41

 . Dv
.. a4
here appeared in the
April 25 edition of The
Wa.rhizgton Square Neu's,
a newspaper put out by
the students of New
York University, a page-
two story that began like this: "While
most 12-year-old boys are thinking of
video games and skateboards, Balamurati
Krishna Ambati is thinking ofhis applica-
tion process for medical school." The arti-
cte. written by Maryam E. Zadeb, told ofa
12-year-old boy named Balamurati Krish-
na Ambati who was the youngest student
ever to attend NYU (he will be a senior
this year) and who hopes to become the
youngest person ever to graduate from
medical school.
Two weeks later in The New York Ti,,ies,
the daily newspaper put out by the
Sulzberger family, a front-page story
began like this: "At age 12, Balamurati
Krishna Ambati prefers heuristic algo-
rithms to Nintendo and enjoys chess,
basketball, and research on Green-Hydra-
Green Algae Symbiosis.'
That very same morning, all over New
York, senior editors at the newswecklies,
bureau chiefs from other big-city dailies,
wire-service reporters and assignment edi-
tors at local and national news broadcasts
opened their copies of the Times in order
what news to covernot what
to find out
news was worthy of coverage, mind you,
but what news the Times had deemed wor-
thy of coverage. Most news executives
reading the paper that morning had long
since abandoned the idea of exercising
their own news judgment, following years
and perhaps decades of being reprimand-
ed by their superiors for not having their
news lineups correspond almost precisely
to the one determined by the editors of
the paperofrecord.
And so, because Balamuratis story was
42 SPY AUGUST 1990
Pinch Punch Max
now a front-page storya New York
Timesfront-page storywithin a matter of
hours, New University's press office
was besieged by calls from editors, TV-
show bookers and reporters, all eager co get
in touch with the prodigy, allusions to a
real-life Doogie Howser, M.D., swimming
in their heads. Before long, Balamurati's
story or Balamurati himself had appeared
or was due to appear on dozens of radio
and TV stations from Denver to Peoria;
on the ABC Radio Network, the BBC
and a German television network; on
CNN's Sonya Live, Live With Regis &
Kathie Lee, Thejoan Rivers Show, Sallyjessy
Raphael, Good Day New York, Good Morn-
ing America and NBC'S Today; in numer-
ous newspapers, including The Denver Post
and The Houiton Chronicle, the British
tabloid Today and News India; inNewsu'eek,
Parade, People and Wo?lIanc World;
and on the Associated Press and
Reuters news wires. He was piio-
cographed by Gamma-Liaison (the
photo agency) and approached by
a talent agent.
What none of the news proles-
sionals who contacted Balamurati
could possibly have known is that
the reason his story appeared on
the front page of the Times -
rather than on, say, B6had Maureen Dowd
almost nothing to do with its
. .
.
news value, and everything to do
with a quaint Times custom.
Newly hired reporters are often brought
into New York, where they are worked to
the bone prior to being sent out into the
field. The thinking is that this initiation
will give the paper's editors a chance to
see up close how recruits take to the
grind, and for particularly high-profile
hires, it gives the paper the opportunity
to show offits new acquisitions.
The Times version of Balamurati Krishna
Ambacïs story was written by one of th
paper's more celebrated recruits, Ales.
sandra Stanley. A standout at Tinie's
Washington bureau, she was hired by the
Times to produce the same sort of comedy-
of-manners features that her good friend
Maureen Dowd used to write before
becoming a White House correspondent.
In order to parade Stanleys manifest tal.
ents, the editors did something they had
done with previous young stars: ihey
took one of her first stories (the feature
on Balamurati) andjust for the hekof
itgave it generous play on the front
page, thereby goosing all the editors and
reporters in the city who slavishly look ro
che Times for their guidance. Like other
new Times reporters thus honored, Stanley
was subsequently presented with a blue
box containing the printer's plate of that
day's front page.
Stley was It was a nice gesture. And in
many instances it's the last such
hired to
gesture a Times reporter expert-
produce the ences. Things look even grimmer
in the days ahead. One reporter
comedy-or- who wanted to travel for a few
days outside New York was told
manners he would have to think up several
more stories to report and write
order to amortize the travel
expenses. The specter of Pinch
Sulzberger, the damp, anxious
used to writc publisher-to-be,
is cause for fur-
cher alarm. He is ostentatiously
frugal, bragging that he has no car,
taking a bus to work from his Upper
West Side apartment, even making a
show out of using public transportation
to the airport. Young Pinch has also been
heard saying that country houses are a
waste of money - neglecting to men-
tion, ofcourse, that he has use ofthe vast
Sulzberger family estate in Fairfield
County. -J.]. Hiensecker
fr3
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WORLD FAMOUS
L IMPORTED.'

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It4AKkN.
 You hear it everywhere you gowhining, compi
pity is gripping America, and nobody seems to ni
the flag on all this unsportsmanlike conduct an

A CELEBRATION OF AMERICA'S GREATEST SORE LOSERS-INCLUDING RICHARD NIXON, SPIKE U

ime was when people were brought up to be good losers. The defeated Little League team was required
to give che winners a cheer. The first runner-up in the Miss America pageant was supposed to embrace
the winner the moment she won. Guys with low draft numbers shouldered their M16s, smoked dope and
slogged off into the jungle without griping about their luckier peers with the high numbers, who got to stay home and
smoke dope in comfort. Being a good loser was part ofbeing a good American, especially back when America invariably
won. Ç Sure, there were always dissenters. Leo Durocher, Vince Lombardi and oldJoe Kennedy were part oían out-
spoken group who said a mere good effort wasnr good enough. In the 1980s this ferocious ethic took over, but all the
keener, meaner competition couldn't change the hard fact that in most contests only one contender can win. Amen-
cans have adjusted to this in various ways. Second-rate prizes have proliferated, athletic playoff formats have expanded,
and, most conspicuous, people have turned into chronic Sore Losers. Ç But because being a Sore Loser has suddenly
become so commonplace (think ofhow much ofofficial U.S. policy in recent years has been predicated on this premise,
from funding the contras to protectionist trade proposals), it's not as easy as it once was for an ag-
grieved party to impress the world with the acuteness ofhis disappointment. Not long ago the loss
ofone's dignity in a display ofemotiona Nixonian rage a Marion Braridoesque tantrum, a Nor-
man Mailerclass roundhousewas sufficient to show how bitterly one resented one's defeat. Though
these behaviors are part of the basic repertoire of the journeyman Sore Loser to really distinguish
himself the Sore Loser needs panache. And now that prominent people are devoting substantial
thought and planning to their special displays ofSore Losing, we are obliged to devote some analysis
to it. So here at SPY a magazine whose ediiorial andgraphic style is regularly, albeit lamely, copied by other
publications here andabroad, a magazine that in a single issue bas more ideas andcleverness than a yearc worth
CAN1 GRIN,
ofany othe and a magazine thatfor three years running has been shut out ofthe National Magazine Awards CANT BEAR IT
(not that we care, and besides, the Rolling Stones never won a Grammyfor Record ofthe Year and Cary Grant Kirklemdand Weaver
iuse' as ihey lost 1987
never won a Best Actor Oscar)we have identified the six most popular modes of Sore Loserhood. ana' 88 Osiars

44 sPY AUGUS1 1990

 ining, crying foul. An epidemic of aggressive self-
nd. Joseph Malgarini and Kate McDowell throw
present n

SEAS YOUNG, SEVERAL DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES, AMERICA ITSELF AND, INEVITABLY, DONALD i. TRUMP

T H E P H Y S I C A I. S O R I L O S E R The Physical Sore Loser is a man or

.-I_
woman of movement. Sometimes the movement is subtle, even unremarkable: though they are
wv i professional actresses, neither Sigourney Weaver nor Sally Kirkland was abk to suppress a
SORI.LOS(R HANGOUTS
grimace of disappointment at the precise moment she heard that Oscar had passed her by
The Lecture circuit
(see illustrations on previous page). At other times the movement is direct and unpleasant: the
Mee: the Preis
CIA helped overthrow Chilean president Salvador Allende; the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan.
The Neu York Review fl3oohs
Physical Sore Losing has historical precedents (Henry Vills having his wives beheaded,
letters column for example, and Vincent van Gogh's indulging in an earecromy), but today's
Cindy Adamss column Physical Sore Loser is usually less violent, although just as peevish.
lhe John E Kennedy School Consider Ohio State's Woody Hayes, who punched an unsuspecting
of Government linebacker from Clemson University during the 1978 Gator
;%
Saddle River, New Jrsy ' Bowl. Or the feral John McEnroe. who has combined racket
Shea Stadium : heaving and ceaseless verbal tantrums (Answer my question.
jerk!. . . You cannot be serious!) to become one of the best-
SORE.LOSER ARCHETYPES
compensated barbarians in sport. Or casino owner Bob
Yahweh Stupak, a onetime candidate for mayor of Las Vegas who
Richard III on election night in 1987 displayed his unhappiness over
his defeat by rebuking and slapping one of the TV
Napoleon
reporters who kept badgering him about his sobriety.
Germany
(Wlwn a reporter noted that she could smell alcohol on
Woody Hayes
his breath, Stupak said, "You can smell anything you want
Yosemite Sam
to, honcy' and then started swinging.)
But more elegant approaches, involving an objet de p:es:,
FICTIONAL SORE LOSERS
are also available: a representative for rock star Daryl Hall once
l-f aIfl l&t
expressed his displeasure over a magazine profile by mailing th
Werther writer a turd; Bill Cosby has responded similarly but more hygienically,
J asno Compson sending the offender a tin cup (indicating that the unfavorable reviewer
ibm Buchanan was blind to his talent); the strikeout-prone galoot Dave Kingman once sent a sportswriter a
Glenn Close rat; and the actress Sean Young was sued byjames Woods for allegedly conveying her dismay
i n Fatal Anracilois
about Woods's decision to practice monogamy with a woman not named Sean Young by
Freddy Krueger leaving a mutilated doll at his home. Young denied the charge.

AIJCIIJST 19905PY45
 PERINNIAL SORE LOSERS THE FREE-ASSOCIATING SORE LOSER Byusingacaptive
Richard Nixon audience to vent his spleen, the Free-Associating Sore Loser offers something akin to
George Steinbrenner improvisational theater, except no one suspects a performance will be delivered until it
Richard Golub actually springs into being. In the midst of innocent circumstances - the presentation of an
Bob Dole award, an interview, a concerta strange, inappropriate tirade
Do Schembechier surges up and out. "I am che originator, and you all gave me
Sting
nothin! [I ami the architect ofrock n' roll!" declared Little Richard

The Democrats as he presented a Grammy in 1988. "Gossip columnists are

probably the lowest form of journalists. The latest one is old Liz
Mary Decker Slaney
in New York. . . a dumpy, fac, ugly broad replied Frank Sinatra .

SORE-LOSER PASTIMES
Having your screen credit
removed
Writing' your "memoirs"
from the concert stage in 1982 to a mild rebuke from Liz Smith
in one ofher columns. "They deserve each otherone's a born liar, the other's convicted,'
sneered thenYankees manager BillyMortin about the twin banes ofhis existence, Reggie Jackson
and George Steinbrenner, during an interview in 1978. "Have another doughnut, you fat pig!,'
NewJersey Devils coach Jim Schoenfeld shouted at referee Don Koharski
in 1988 after concluding that the official had missed some calls. And
when WNBC-TV writer and producer David Katz received an Emmy in
,P / 1988, he took time to describe sportscaster Len Berman as "a gutless
individual."
.

çy::j THE SELF-PROMOTING SORE LOSER The

' Self-Promoting SoreLoser is one who is able to parlay a loss into a later
,-4__.5:;'.\ victory. In 1988 Toni Morrison benefited when her admirers suggested
(. )
t
k'

racist judging after she was not awarded the National Book Award for
I, i i
s- Beloved; sure enough, four months later, she got a Pulitzer. Ted Forstmann
/ f \

the proselytizing financiei competed energetically with Kohlberg Kravis

Roberts to buy out RJR Nabisco, was about to fail and took to the Op-Ec
page of The Wall S:reetJournal with protests against leveraged buyouts.
Canny fans of Sore Losing could have predicted in 1986 that Chers
response after being denied a Best Actress nomination for Mask (taking
the stage at that year's Oscar ceremony in an ugly, in-your-face costume
*_____________ and dryly noting, "As you can see, I did receive my Academy booklet on
- how to dress like a serious actress") would inspire the Academy to
Rumor-mongeri ng
capitulate and give her an award, as it did in 1988.
Litigating
Press-bashing NIGHT OF THE LIVING SORE LOSERS SomeSoreLosers
Wearing black
simply refuse to die. Fifteen years after the fall of Saigon, Nguyen Van Thieu and Nguyen Cao
Planting items in Page Six
Ky have begun talking up their readiness to return to Vietnam to lead a revolution against the
Checking gloves Communists. Boxer Byun Jong Il of South Korea objected so strongly to a referee's decision
Playing games under protest during the 1988 Olympics that he just sat in the ring for more than an hour. Coach Mike
White of the University of Illinois football team was so chagrined by his team's loss to
SORE LOSIRS GREATEST HITS
Northwestern, the school's far weaker rival, that he refused to relinquish the
"Its My Party by Lesley Gore trophy that traditionally goes to that game's victor. Less angrily but more
"Run for Your Life by stupidly, Phillies manager Danny Ozark in 1975 insisted that his
the Beatles
team was not mathematically eliminated from the pennant
"Positively 4th Street by race despite its being seven games back with six to play.
Bob Dylan
"Cry Me a River by Perhaps inspired by Ozark, Tommy Faye Bakker blithely
Julie London chirped to reporters, "It's not over till it's over' after
her husband's conviction on 24 felony counts. She (
"Tiny Steps' by Elvis Costello " '
i7f"-
"96 Tears by ? and the did improve on Ozark's dumb stubbornness in , I

Mysterians one respect: the old skipper did not follow 'ZS -
i

-'I Want to Be Around his ill-informed contention by warbling, "

by Tony Bennett
"Ruby, Dont Take Your Love
to Town by Kenny Rogers
and The First Edition
"I Dont Like Mondays' by the
Boomtown RatS
"L.A. CountÇ by Lyle Lovett
"On Christ,thesolid rock, Istand/Allother
ground is sinking sand"
The Democratic Party is a stronghold
for die-hard Sore Losers, particularly
those whcive failed to win the party's
presidential nomination. EugeneMcCar-
thywithheld his endorsement of Hubert

46 SPY AUGUST 1990

SORE LOURS WORDS TO LIVE 8V
Let's make it best of three.
Why dont the media focus on
the positive things?
The dream will never die.
It was a moral victory.
I sent the article to my lawyer
to review it for libel.
We live in a commerciali
racist/sexist/fascist society.
lt was a succès d'estime.
I'm going to take some time
off to write.
J dont want to use che
muscle pull as an excuse.
Everyone was doing it.
I'd like to see Frank
Rich/Pauline Kael/
Robert Christgau write
a play/make a movie/
record an album of
three-minute pop songs.
This is what I get for refusing
to sell out.
These kids have worked so
hard all yearand then they
have it ruined by the
goddamned officials.
FIVE GREAT MOMENTS IN
SOR E. LOS E R DOM
1. James Garfield's
assassination by a
disappointed office seeker
2. Richard Nixon's 1962
gubernatorial campaign
3. The Pine Tar Game
4.Johnny Fontane's being
denied a role he covets in the
big picturejack Woltz
is producing
5. Vietnam
FUTURE SORE LOSERS
Peter Guber and Jon Peters
Dan Quayle
Al Gore
Philadelphia Eagles quarterback
Randall Cunningham
Bono
Margaret Thatcher
Newt Gingrich
SORE WINNERS
George S. Patton
Marion Brando
Va nessa Redgrave
Mike Love
Donald Trump
Ed Koch
-Joseph Ma/ga rini
Humphrey until just before the 1968 election; '1 ' '
Ted Kennedy made Jimmy Carter chase him
all over the stage at the 1980 convention before
permitting the president a wan handshake; and
in both 1984 and 1988 Jesseiackson tormented
the party's nominees (Walter Mondale and
Michael Dukakis) before granting his support. \
A favorite tactic that occasionally has the re
deeming aspect ofbeing justified is to point out
\\
a violation ofthe rules after the contest has been
decided. Thus Mark Green, defeated Demo-
cracic opponent ofSenator Mfonse DAmato in
'
Ç
1986, filed an official
complaint alleging in-
fluence peddling on
DAmatcs part, and the Yankees that same year protested to the
umpires that George Brett's homer should be disallowed because he
used a pine-tarred bat, just as Ernesto Miranda in 1966 appealed to the
Supreme Court to overturn his conviction for rape and kidnapping
because he hadnt been informed of his rights, and just as the United
States gripes thatJapan has too many barriers to its marketsall
legitimate arguments used to paper over the fact that the Sore Loser would have lost anyway.
THE GRANDSTANDING SORE LOSER GrandstandingSoreLoserstry
to transform the personal setback into a cause. For example, when Donald Trump earlier this year
resisted his wife's attempt to gain a more lucrative divorce settlement, he cited an obligation to
defend the principle of a contract. Richard Nixon - a veritable avatar of Sore Loserhood,
a man who has acted in ways that fit each of these categories (getting rid of Archibald Cox
and Elliot Richardson was Physical, saying "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore"
was Free-Associating, and so on)tried to block Watergate investigations with appeals to
executive privilege. Spike Lee suggested that sex, lies and videotape won the 1989 Cannes Film
Festival's Palme d'Or because the film's director was white, Lee said that ifhe ever saw German
director Wim Wenders, who chaired the Cannes jury, he would be «waiting for his ass'
THE LITERARY SORE LOSER Themostnotablerecentexampleofthe
Literary Sore Loser is Jay Mclnemey, whose entertaining reply in Esquire to his critics got more
attention than the novel he published around the same time. There are, however, many members
ofthis club. Donald Regan got back at Nancy Reagan, who had engineered his ouster, by
revealing in his memoirs that the former first couple were slaves of the zodiac. Purged CBS
News president Ed Joyce slagged his former associates in a blame-everybody-but-me memoir
of how things went bad at Black Reck. And it seems Pete Hamill can't go three months
without writing something that attributes all that's wrong with New York, from crack to
ozone depletion, to Walter O'Malley's decision to move the Dodgers to Los Angeles.
One ofthe most popular forms ofLiterary Sore Losing is the epistolary methoda whiny,
long-winded letter from a well-known correspondent is sure to make an
impression. In 1988, Sore Loser Kinginthe [tIJ making Donald
Trump replied to a column by architecture critic Paul Goldberger
with a letter. "The New. York Times should not have allowed Paul
Goldberger whom i have criticized openly in my l book and elsewhere
as being totally lacking in taste, to critique Donald Trump and Trump:
The Ari ofihe Deal" was the missive's solemn open- ing. Sting, the self-
serious rock star, proved himself more eloquent than Trump in
a 1987 letter to The Village Voice. "If as you say LUI the average fascist
scumbag wouldnt be in the least offended by my work, then how come it got up your nose so
successfully you dipshit fascist simpleton?. ..Your writing has all the hysteria and self-loathing
ofthe child molester, the sickening,rhetoricalviolenceofthe neo-Nazi.'And though Bess Myerson
vehemently denied harassing an ex-lover andhis girlfriend with anonymous letters ("You
should be hearing from some of the girls you laid and screwed. . . . You will be punished in
ways you don't know;' one note read), police investigators concluded she was the perpetrator. i
AUGUST 1990 SPY 47
 4
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In the revio,,s ms/a//meni oftix

Dw,,/c//. 'i/book ¡h Jo/h,,i ing et'eiiis I;vi/ircd: Twìip i/tem/ìteJ t 'i7hij g/amoiwi.
recondjt,op,' it1/i l:ant. i,, Jaiii O/yfifflig //iI/)/c flh?!dIg editicsii ¡%IarI, /%Jap/e: he /,ep,d ihr b,,i/;(a//). kiIW/)) wd ?/O?!fflh/Jfa'//
fez'e;wged Taj Ma/ial Ca'sino: he .bau his ?Ict U orth daa/,n'd by 70 pne,,, i,, Forbes 'na'iazj,,': hcJ/,kf,d th idri uf cI/in,s ¿1 air/j,j and
other assets 1?! II hat he (/tiWCd ¡ea. m p;», Io h(O,1le a "/piç of.c/ : and he ih II/)je(1 ofrpa,,/a,i,i,, akg,i hi. a/)iIit) ¡o cr;.I'iCe
f/k' $ )'. 2 billie,i de/,i I/kr! is thc ba.c o//ijí rm/Jirt. :\viu thc iaga c"nti,n,tf:

. li. -
'
M1 7 '"'r to His Bondholders
How Donald Trump Met a Looming Payment
Amid a Swirl ofRumors About His Solvency

the Storm
Weathering more successful than them." Now he seems
of man who would
almost
call his father.
gentle, not the sort
By L. J. Davis Fred, at 3:30 on the morning of the day a $47with million
him
payment to bondholders was due and plead
HE LOOKS COMPOSED NOW. RELAXED. NOT AT to increase the debt on his Queens real estate proper- '
three months ago danced of cash to
all like a man who just of debt and lived ties in order to help his son raise the last bit
around the lip of a volcano to tell the "Goddamn it. Dad, you'll be a
Tower make the payment. screamed into the phone.
tale. He admits a reporter to his spacious Trump nobody" Trump reportedly
office with the same courtesy the 1980's. Thosechar-
and eagerness that going to do?
"I'm smart, I'll survive, but what's Bobwindshields
were and Mom? Wash at
acterized his interviews during Move back in with s'ou
idolized him, before he began I'm sending over a lawyer
the days when the media the Lincoln Tunnel? Now.
replying to questions about his solvency with
snarling and a guy from First Jersey, Dad. And you've got to
observat ions about reporters' "financial stupidity"
richer or sign the damn papers!" moment," chuckles
and the media's "jealousy of everybody whos ,, I guess it was a pretty intense
the 44-year.old developer and
(Continued on Page 64)

L.iDavis is a frequent contributor to the Magazine.

 r REAL ESTATE
&ti 7'7 (o..

Sluggish Market Balks,

Impeding j
Trump Efforts to Attain
Liquidity
By NEIL BARSKY
tion for $325 million.
S(affReportcrofTHp WALL STREET JOURNAL nor any officers Neither Mr. Trump
of Loews would
Donald Trump has
to sell off some of hisbeen working hard
assets; his only comment.
problem is that nobody wants to "It's a terrible time for Trump to be in
them. Six months buy the marketplace to sell," says James F.
tial buyers that he after alerting poten-
would part with the Noonan, an analyst at Dean Witter
Rey-
Trump Shuttle and Trump Tower in order nolds. "Everybody knows he's
to become "king of cash," and trouble. They're having
months after agreeing with banksfive until he squeals. going to squeeze him
Do you think LLoews
bt trim his empire, to chairmanj Larry Tisch wants to do
the author of The Art of
the Deal has yet to divest himself of a Trump a favor?
In-
)b-
single holding. "Trump wants to be in cash so he can
Though Mr. Trump has often de- buy bargain properties," Mr. Noonan
he
scribed his properties as "trophies, " he continues. " So does everybody else, ex-
to appears wIlling to part with them at a cept they want the bargain properties to
loss: published accounts say that be Trump's."
ve Trump With Mr. Trump's
offered the Trump Shuttle, for which he payment to his casino next S47 million
E.
paid $365 million, to the Loews Corpora-

VOL.CXXXIX . . .
- -coyC'-
. No.48,461
bondholders only
Please Turn to Paq' B?, Column 3

NEW yORK, WEDNL

TRUMP SHUTTLE HANGARS '

ROCKE' BY EXPLOSIONS;
ENTIRE FLEET DESTROYED
"A Christmas Miracle"
Reported by Police:
No Injuries
By ROBERT D. MCFADDEN Jr.
Special to The New York Times
A series of explosions wracked the
hangars of the Trump Shuttle in New
York, Washington and Boston yester-
day morning. The explosions. which
went off almost simultaneously at
around 8:15 on Christmas morning,
ignited fires that burned out of control
until early afternoon. No injuries
were reported.
The entire fleet of 21 727's, which
had been grounded for the hobday.
was destroyed.
Moments after the explosions, a col-
umnist for the New York Post, Cindy
Adams, received an anonymous tele-
: phone call from a man identifying
himself only as a member of "a top
terrorist organizatIon in Asia," who
claimed responsibility for setting off
the explosions.
According to authorities, the man
told Adams that the explosions were
meant as a reply to Donald J. Trump,
the airline's owner, who had on Friday
of last week placed full-page adver-
tisements in six major American
newspapers calling on President
Bush to take a harder line in trade
talks with Japan. "We knew the amaz-
ing amount of influence Trump has on
the President," the caller reportedly
told Adams.
German Interest
"Obviously I'm just devastated," i planes
said Mr. Trump In a telephone inter- . the
view. "The Trump Shuttle was a jewel.
Everybody wanted to fly it. I was
probably going to sell it next week to
this German group for $670 million or
$680 million, an unbelievable profit.
Fortunately, we're fully insuredin
fact, we got some additional coverage
right after Thanksgiving, thank
God."
The total coverage for the airline is
: $750 million, approximately double
the price Mr. Trump paid in early
1989. A tentative deal to sell the airline
collapsed last September.
This was merely the latest setback
for the beleaguered developer, whose
Intense efforts to stay solvent have
been attracting increasing attention.
According to Mr. Trump, however, he
was fortunate in at least one respect.
"I was supposed to be on one of the
this morning," he told report-
ers. "We were going to load up one of
planes with toys and fly down to
Florida and give them away to the
kids in the orphanages in Palm
Continued on Page A13, Column 3

AUGUST 1990 SPY i

 .
,
DQ;4

SM TH
l'Vana PartyAll Over TowrÑ
'' MAY 7.

OMEISTIIEplacewhere, NEW YORK PCST 1uSDAy

whenyouhavetogothere,
they have to take you in," ;
wrote a man who knew a thing or
two about homes, Robert Frost.
****
IT'S BEGINNING to look like
Ivana Trump is losing interest in
reconciling with that financial jug-
gier Donald, who stopped giving in-
terviews about the Big Bang long
enough to divvy the insurance
money among his many creditors. .
,
.
This girl is having the time of her ATLAIC CITY $1
life! The other night she was seen
on the arm of ex-Met and future
Yomuri Giant Keith Hernandez. ':

He's the latest in a long line ofce- .

lebrity sports hunks linked to
[vana, following Giants punter
Sean Landetta and tennis pro An- ..

re Agassi. I ran into the handsome .

.

[fernandez at Rusty's the other

:

night, and he said, "Liz, Mrs.

Frump is a nice lady and fun to be
with." Come to think of it, the only
beau who ever said anything dif-
erent was Mike Tyson, who the
morning after his night out with
[vana in December was said to

Getting to First Base

Trump & Hernandez on the town
iave growled, "Tell Trump we're 1m
aven." Whatever that means....
Donald, meanwhile, pulled the
plug yesterday on ThLmp's, the van-
ty in-flight magazine he set up for
:he airline, firing all 23 employees,
including new editor Clay Felker.
'He said he was sorry, but the mag-
zine business was for losers," Fe!-
er told me.

):' spy :\u(;t:sI I')9u

 iJusifless L1
hc A'ctu jjcrk iu
,tL$, -
... . . 3
-
.z/. 'i
i West Side Rail Yards
dPÖBLic ! Sold by Trump
Now YOU can By THOMAS J. LUECK
-

own a piece of
Donald J. Trump announced yester-
day that he will sell the 76-acre West
Side rail yards, which he had planned
to develop as a luxury complex that -...'
would include the tallest building in
the Trump! the world, to a group of South Amen-
can investors.
Although Mr. Trump said the prop-
erty sold fon ' many, many times what
By BILL HOFFMANN
I paid for it, " a source close to one of
How often have you wished that you had a his creditors said the sale price was
guy as smart and gutsy
as Donald Trump S96.2 million. Mr. Trump paid $95 mil-
working for you? lion for the site in 1985. An agreement
Now you and every New Yorker can
- a
make your
little piece of to sell the property for a reportedly
dream come true by purchasing higher price came apart in late 1990.
Donald Trump. that he was taking his The sale terminates Trump's indi-
Yesterday Trump announcedpublic, offering 60 mil- vidual and collective suits against the
Atlantic City casino holdings members of Westpride_among them
lion shares at $20 apiece. ably low price," Trump said.
Trump's real estate prop- "Think how much you'd have
Bill Moyers, Robert Caro and Jtzhak
erties and other holdings to pay if we'd had another Perlman_who had long fought Mr.
are excluded from this pub- record-breaking year! Lis- Trump's plans.
lic offering, which will be in ten, anybody who buys this The relatively low sale price as re-
the form ofa special class of stock has gotten the ultimate cently as 1990, Mr. Trump was saying
nonvoting stock.
jfagbeenVerygoOdto
me," said Trump, who will
bargain. You've heard of
people who say they bought that the site was worth $650 million -
and Xerox at 3? Well, those can be attributed to community senti-
serve as the chairman people are going to envy
CEO ofTrumP Casino Enter- ment against development which all
prises, "and this is Just my anybody who bought Trump but ensured that even if Mr. Trump
at 20."
way to give something back Trump says he will use the had prevailed, he would not have real-
to all the fabulous men and ized any income from the property for
women who have built this $1.2billionheraiSeStOsatis.
country into the greatest na- fy his bondholders and to many years. Another factor may be
fund expansion. 'I, for one, the lukewarn reception given to Mr.
tion on earth. The Man Up- thinkthere'SCurrentiY an in-
stairs gave me an incredible credible opportunitY for the Trump's public stock offering. The
ability to make money. Now gambling industry in East- stock, which was offered last spring
I'd like to share this blessing Europe," Trump told at 20 a share, was selling Yesterday
em
with all ofyou." The Post. for 11½.
This winter's recession Meanwhile, The Post has
hurt business in the gam enlisted Trump to be a mem- "Did I make a mistake with the rail
bling capital ofthe East. The ber of its Second Chance yards? " Mr. Trump responded to a re-
CastleandthePlazalostato 1990, LottoTeam.FrOmn0''0fl, porter's question. ' 'I'll tell you who
tal of $38.1 million in made stead of receiving $5,000,
though the Taj Mahal Grand Prize winners will re-
made a mistake. All those negative
$3.6 million. But Trump re- ceive 100 shares of Trump people who Opposed me. Can you
mains optimistic. "That's Casino Enterprises and the imagine anything more pathetic than
why l'ra able to offer these
shares at such an unbeliev being the child of one of those people
and looking at your parents and won-
dering why they became afraid to
dream?"
Mr. Trump said that the buyers,
who are the principals of a Colombian
concerii that is seeking to diversify,
would hold apressconference to in-
Ofltt,Zl1e(1 on Page D7

LETTHETRUMP SOUND: ALIGLtST 99() Spy

.tVCk.
 r===-------=--T-----
Y' YORK POST, WEDNESDAY,
JANUARY 15,1992 MONfly, MARCtI9lg92

,-' ¼1tJ1L?ç READ

ON WHAT

O was that with Donald

Trump at the opening of BOONDOGGLES
book
Industry's biblc announces rublis/zers Weekly
gig at the Current 1SSUe
Bob Dylan's three-week
Taj Mahal in Atlanticleading
City? None iStratjo Among 1991 's itsdogsofthy.
big losers Were Bush Admjn
its
other than Trump's lady ueI Lujan;Confidential by former
See Ale, Feel Me, Interior
of the moment, Basia Johnson, Touch Me, secrety Man-
the baby-powder heiress, who AUtobiograpy Ofger Daltrey; Heal Me: The
in a taupe Top, by Donald J. Trump; Trump.. Surviving at the
was resplendent and
Story, by Iracdajsjca/N
Johnson merely Darryl Strawbe
Scaasi gown. Islong
the latest in a line of well-
women -
fl--- s
Berkow More. The

seasoned, well-to-do
Bub( Itothermere, Doris Duke, /21
Mary Le4 Richards_who dangle
flciaj
from The Donald's arm for just
apparently, to close SqUee Orlesas the new majo
long enough,
on a condo at Trump Tower be- vac1avHave1yfljg
fore he directs his attention news that her Still, tile
way," says Donald will sateestrang hubby
elsewhere? "No be his
cash by allowing theappetite for
Trump, who still seems to Poration to developRouse Cor-
walking a financial tightrope.
Street a South
"This is love." Ofcourse it is. Seapoljke
Condo complex at theShop..afld
IT'S not as though Ivana Trump Mar-aLago est.te has famiiy'
indeed The her busy
had a lot of time on her hands. Glamorous
POlitician, as the Czech
Since her election to the Czech has dubbed press
parliament she has had many of- three OfPragher, has burned up
ficial duties to keep her busy fax machines
Sending angry instructjo5
during the day and many unof- her attorneys. to

of Trade and Tourism. The man ne is

calling is Donald Trump. Two years af-
ter he gave Trump Casino Enterprises a
$55 million cash down payment to build a
complex of hotels, shops and gambling
casinos in Warsaw, no progress has been
macle toward groundbreakiflg. ""I'm a
Presi-
patient man," says Mr. Michnik.
Oppressed dent Walesa is a pa-
tient man, and the
for Polish people are a 'I can build, but you have to do someth in
-Iunger
patient people. But about the airports.' What good does it d
I'm beginning to to build a casino if none of your higi
Constructbofl
get a little tired of rollers can land? Have they done any
re Still in
'[aIKUIg being ignored." .
thing about that?"
Plans "They've been &-\I
'\ Mr. Trump also maintains that he has
patient? I've been
Stae Despite Paymenth
I

Mr.
not been able to get Polish authorities to
patient," agree on a design. "We go in there with a
Trump replied design for your basic 400-room luxury
from his office in hotel with an atrium, food court, golf
New York. "Did you course and water-action park, and they
ever try to get say all they want ¡s a ten-story building
quality marble in Donald J. Trump
'I'11UltOW with a pool and a gambling hall. Well, if I
By RG1t WFd.L STRT JOU-' Warsaw?It'SPathet in con can't build something worthy of the
Ofl his
ic. Workers with experience
of TUE
Staff Reporter poland - EverY day,
the show palace? name Trump, I'd rather not build."
WARSA\V, structing a world-class
work, Tadeuz Michnik pasSeS
one of the corfler Forget it! Did you get a load of theii
Mr. Michnik should not feel singled
way tO lot where out.TrumpcasinoE nterprises made sim-
big emPtY ecofl0m recOVeY roads? They make me sick! I told them ¡lar deals in 1990 and 1991 with the goy-
stones of his nation'Slaid. And every day ernments of Romania and Bulgaria.
to be into his of-
is supposed
Michnik sighS goeS
'radeuZ a phone
fice and places wtll
that he knows
-jeturned.
'VU1PflZ Michnik is
call to

L
America
not be accepted or
poland's minter
 *kJCical note Was Dam does 4 'mes.
not give details but is pon
expc to

Besieged on Ail 7
Fronts
Trump Files for
Chapter 11
Lucia
YI<1JRT
.--I' '
9_ '-J Q s

After months of ISSuing

'y denials that almost dai-
lie wa. in severe finan.
1, a dal straits
rus J. Trump former billionaire Donald
me itable andYesterday bowed to
filed for protectjothe nev-
Chapter of the federj Under
Code. baikrUptcy
Mr. Tmip who
dispute about projec j a result or a
rope wa. Ousted Eastern Eu.
i? Positions
last week from his
Chairman and chief ex-
ecutive Officer of the Public casino
flher Company that COfltlnUes to bear his
name, listed
riIJs J
million and personj asse of $4.2
debts of $846 million.
Ieyel Much of that amount Is
le in- expected to be
retired through the sale
atch
¡

maining reaj estate of the re-

¡
holdings of The
'y is j Trump Organjzatj0 In New York
tar- Florida. and
¡Dc Mr. Trump the epitome
rn- ye TFUmp leaving cou- Eighties.5j excess, wasofinRoaring
gs,
SlOfl seclu.
Yesterday, but his latest spokes.
ifin. man, PUblic.rejations adviser John P.
Scanlon, said he
WoWd be able was sure Mr. Trump
tIL

Is to use ths
st I

jQfl OPPortunity
Page D4, Columa!

bUilding needi
traged e an Yours. Or 120 dsIurd
flgeJ -. call .
:: ; icidi fece
: AI)VT.

Little Boy, Big Cruel World

- - Breathes there a man with soul so dead he can
look into the face ofa child, any childeven
child with the unmistakably same small,
a
cold
premises oforie Thomas Manning,
as Sweet Pea, one of
ented fences, with three
in his possession at
Manhattan's
the
Blaupunkt
very moment
also known
most tal-
car stereos
officers
on the otl
havingb
who forr
and Tr'
eyes and pouty, smackable lipsrichthat adorned raid.
from the 34th Precinct chose to conduct ain the
nowher
the visage of the grotesquely publicity dad," the little man attorne
"I did it to help my Trumr
hound who for more than a decade befouled the docket said in a small voice that ought instead
air of this mega- bond
';4 already putridly polluted
trace ofpity if' to have been raised in play on one ofthe great hay- alle
%
- lopolis and notfeel some small greenswards of Central Park. "He's been
t
.
- -
that child's face is looking back at him from
behind the bars of a holding pen? No; and no
ing some trouble lately'
wF
.

Little Eric's mother, who has no small chal-

hearing in Family Court felt
one at yesterday'sheartbreak lenge before her in helping remake a nation,
when little nine-
immune to the left a Cabinet meeting and flew allEric's
night from

- night
Murray
Kempton
year-old Eric Trump explained
ofFebruary 8 he was at the
why on the
173rd Street Prague to be with her son. Little father,

AUGUST I99OSPY S
 T:a

BY TONY SCHWARTZ

Still Budlies
JI

oftrouble that a
IT'S in times his friends.
man gets to know
Donald Trump got a surprise vis-
itor the other dayhis old girl-
actress Maria Ç' BY WENDY COLE/Reported by Mary F
:

friend, movie 1144'

I?
Dothe
MapIes(HeY, LÁt'SGhostbusters 111
¡'rs Dance Again;
Met Sallyfor the Sec- Meeting and
When Harry known as the new
Ofld Time), also chair- Greeting
ç1.; bride of Akio Monta, the her
.'% of Sony. On
- man emeritus she stopped The press ballyhooed lt
'- way to the airport, Donald. as the most lavish par-
and lunched with The
lady," Trump ty sInce 1989. when
"She's a classy
,t said. "And Mr. Monta is a classy Malcolm Forbes took
are a AmerIca's
,- man. And the Japanese
She gave me one
half of
swells to Morocco,
classy people. high-defini-
C: of the new portable but pet-food magnate
Leonard Stern's
tion TVs.
"Cruise to Nowhere"
:- turned out to be a sIm-
pIer affaIr. Stern opened his cruIse Shoppers' Buy-Lines.
Ex-bllllonalre
Donald Trump, the former owner of
llne'sflagshlp, the 282-footyacht he the vessel, was also on handbut
renamed Princess Allison, to 2.000
thIs tIme as a workIng stIff. Trump
close friends and assocIates, In-
serves as the cruIse line's vice presI-
cludlng Sid and Mercedes Bass, Jay
dent for customer relatIons. "His job
and Daryl Mclnerney and New York
Is to be a bon vIvant, a raconteur,"
mayor C. Vernon Mason, In celebra- said Stern. "He makes sure every-
tion of his new publIshIng ven- one is havIng a good tIme."
turc, the upscale Manhattan weekly

-- -"; ------ .. ¡'u .. ufl a seven-

.- - tuilong allowance at Belmont
- - -' Ed Seig- Wednesday.
: Capsules i

' .

: Rtvieres a'idprevieres ofnere

(Y'
andreissuedtapes anddis4r.c
.

/p;,!/ /2'
NEW
. Batman II(Warner, $69.95, (("HEY,
\__ GUYS!"
.

I(;)\artierBros. fìnallygot J_-

¡
aroundioreleasingthismcga- "When I was going around the world in my giant yacht,
dud sequel. Taking the Caped or negotiating incredible deals, or running billion-
Crusadcroutofthc bleak dollar corporations, I always thought that my biggest
cnvirons ofGocham City and
putting hirn on the ski slopes of
' asset was LOOKING GOOD. Now you too can look like a
billionaire, with my new line of grooming products
-
.
Hair Spray, Mousse, Gel and Tint."
Aspen almost bankrupted the
.
studiù D
. Donald Trump's Cuide to
.

Winningat Bankruptcy(Lucky TRUMP: The Art of Fine Grooming

,4&a&e ee4 4
'

.
Video, $19.95, no rating) Wall
.

Street types arc snapping thiN

j
they think it a camp
one up Art of Fine Grooming grooming kit. I have enclosed a
.

Yes! Rush me my TRUMP: The

.
classic. Niore amizing chan check or money order for $19.95.
'."
i

. Trumpdippyadvice("Debt Name__________
is like a woman its fun, you -

.
City__________________________________ State____ ZIP______
can't live without it, hut don't :

let it scan making decisions for Act Now and Receive Free a For-Oz. Bottleof Le Tramp Musk: Cologne Pour L'Homme
is how badly the former
you'S)

mogul has gone to seed. Hc's

.

probably puton 80 pounds. C , .

:-

. . 4. '
 s
.

i: 4\::rt WEDNESDAY, APRIL i o

»orkimt L

1:1 Alter the

at's
.00s
Hoopla Trump Is Seren.
)est By GEORGIA DULLEA
h's
en,
nt New Yorkers who remember Don-
on aid Trump.from his heyday would be
lot surprised at the way he seems today.
He is older, to be sure, and heavier,
C-
's and his hairline is in full retreat, but
those superficial features are not
what command attention. What is
p- striking is the change in behavior.
Gone is the brash tyro, the swagger-
-e- ing tough guy. In his place is an ami-
able, somewhat unpolished charmer
I rs who is just the sort of person with
for whom you wouldn't mind lingering
ted over lunch.
iked
ie rn- Which, in increasing numbers,
ve to New Yorkers have begun to do, much
Mau- to the delight of the executives at
Sun," WWOR-TV. One of the local hits of
Palm the new TV season is «Lunch With
ner to Ivana and Me," a title that pretty
much explains the show's premise,
Viewers have been tuning in to
provai
watch the reconciled Trumps, who
n that never actually divorced, talk about
prize what they did the previous evening,
per- interview celebrity guests, try new
IC." recipesand occasionally needle
id in each other.
oad- "They're obviously in love, but
they have this interesting history,"
Inda said the show's producer, Jerry
per- Nachman. "The audience gets a spe-
oner
cia! kick when she gets that twinkle Donald and ¡yana Trump behind the set of their
or of in her eye arid.asks how good Maria program.
.h the really was, and then he comes back not?' After we taped the first show, I
.
first and asks what she and Havel were his satellite network in Europe. It's a
asked her out for coffee. I felt the old
likely doing when they were hanging feelings. And, you know, she did,
good show now, but I think it could .

and a around the presidential palace all
night, I think viewers can relate to
Prix, their experienes. They're like The
second
Honeymooners' for the 1990's,"
direc-
urkina Mr. Trump readily attributes the
,lation success of the show to his wife.
9lage, "Channel 9 was all set to give her her
hi No own show. And ¡yana said, 'No, let's
get The Donald involved. I don't
want to do it without The Donald,' I
nnes
ut it wasn't doing much except liquidat-
': no ing my grooming-products corpora-
too."
Does Mr. Trump miss his glory
days as a billionaire mover and
shaker? "Sometimes I walk down
Fifth Avenue and see Trump ¶w
sorry, Geffen 'ibwer, and I see how
well The Plaza is doing under Yoko,
and I feel angry that all that was
taken from me. But what's done is
done. I'm trying to focus my ener-
gies on the positives, and that means
the program. Our contract with
become an incredible show, a c.r-
nerstone program, a monster, the
type of perennially top show that can
make or break a network and really
make some big money, in this coun-
try and overseas, and if those mo-
rons out there can't see that the
name Trump on their schedule is
worth a little equity..."
He catches himself,
pauses.
"Things are better now. You know,
Bert Convy asked me and Ivana to
.

lee- tioli and doing a little consulting for Channel 9 is up next year, and we come down to the Taj and emcee a
sating the Sultan of Bruneithere's a guy fight - we met Bert last month when
es but who knows the meaning of loyalty. may sign with someone else. Ted we were the celebrity players on
Soa When Ivana called, I thought, 'Why Turner is interested, ABC, all the Win, Lose or Draw.' It'll be good to
given networks. So is Rupert Murdoch, for go back, see the old gang."
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 "Write about what you know.

teachers have guessed that a coddled, self.

ailmentsnot to mention its Pap

WILLIAM BROYLESJR., THE FOUNDING EDITOR OF TEXAS MONTHLYAND BRIEFLY THE EDITOR
of Newsweek, was driving along a California roadway in 1988 when hisJeep went out of control and
rolled. The accident wrenched off a portion of one of his index fingers, leaving a bloody nub. A Viet-
nam veteran, Broyles had been tested under fire before, and he knewalmost instinctivelywhat he
must do. He stanched the blood, drew a long breath, made his way to a nearby emergency room
and then phoned Esq#ire. Would there be any interest, he asked 37-inch-tall editor Lee Eisenbeig, in a
fi rst-person story about a ur-fingered man?
Eisenberg, ever quick to seize the opportunity to subsidize a
potentially mawkish piece of introspective journalism, leapt at
T HE STRANGE VOGUE FOR the idea. After all, what had worked once would work again: in

PRI
J lML lU AI MI
J
U R"I 'OU lttL
RRI
df
AI QRA
.)IVl
1981 Esquire had published "My Life With Three Fingers" (italics
ours),bythewriterBruceWebewhoisnowaneditoratTheNew
York Times Magazine. Among other things, this article explained
t(I_1.
(y
&L4t c4fte- *lIii
I, (y
why Weber lies on his right side when in bed with a woman. That
way, he wrote, "my left hand [with its full complement of fingersi
is the active one:' The sensation of three fingers "maneuvering around a breast' he imagined, empa.
thizing with his conquests, might feel "crawly'
As for Broyles, he quickly had second thoughts about sharing parallel, four-fingered intimacies with
Esquirds readers. But were it not for this unfortunate onrush of modesty, he would have joined the large
and growing school of writers who have discovered that their richest body of material may well lie in
their own bodiesor, more correctly, in their bodily misadventures. Whether they seek to recharge
flagging careers, quickly fill column holes or satisfy sharing-giving-feeling compulsions left over from the
seventies, writers have shown an increasing inclination during the last ten years to turn their heart
attacks, intestinal disorders, cesarean sections and sexually transmitted diseases into magazine filler or
even, on occasion, booksand best-sellers at that.
This wasn't always so. Even the closest reading of Paradise Lost doesn't reveal Milton's blindness. Nor
did Virgil ever hint at his failing eyesight in TheAeneid. In contrast, readers ofthe April 1987 Cosmopolitan
know all about Lorraine Kreahling's bladder operation. Rolling Stone readers were treated to similar reve-
lations when the magazine invited Epstein-Barr sufferer HillaryJohnson to publish 10,000 words on her
illnessspread over two issues, no less, injuly and August 1987including descriptions ofher meta-
bolic disturbances, impaired reasoni ng, spatial disorientation, sequential-memory disturbance, anxiety,
phobias, enlarged liver, enlarged spleen and, last but not least, puffy eyelids.
What compels some writersreal writers too, not just hacks (witnessJohn Updike's account of his
lifelong battle with psoriasis in Self-Consciousness) - to spill their guts across the pages of glossy maga.
zines? Why does a journeyman television writer like Peter Freundlich whine for 4,000 words in, yes,

60 SPY AUGUST 1990

writing teachers have always said. But little could those

obsessed generation would begin chronicling its most recent injuries and

smears, missing fingers, hair plugs and more!

Esquire about his then-dysfunctional peni

while Nation editor Victor Navasky neveu
types a word about his own crippling arthri
tis? For Navasky, it may be an inconvenieni
sense ofpropriecy and discretion. For Freund
lich, Weber and their cohorts in hospita
ohnnies, a quick reading of the Canon pro
vides several explanations:
Money. Writers generally need it, and th
fee from a quick tour around one's failin
corpus can keep Blue Cross and Blue Shielc
at bay. In No Laughing Matter, a 9O,OOO-wor
account ofJoseph Heller's battle with Guil
¡am-Barré syndrome, which causes sufferers
to lose control of their limbs, Heller's co
author Speed Vogel let slip that the morc
famous man's book royalties had dwindled to
$800 a month while his monthly medical
bills had suddenly grown to $13,000. Undes
such circumstances, tossing off an Abouu
Men column just won't do; a book is all bui
compulsory.
Writer's block. When inspiration fails Of
laziness intervenes, personal tragedy is al.
ways available as a reservoir of dramatic
material. Nelson Bryant, the Outdoors
columnist for The Neu' York Timei, acciden
tally blew offthe tip ola finger while shoot.
ing at a rabbit. Afterward he told an ac
quaintance that he was too embarrassed evet
to write about it. But when a fishing column
fell through and his deadline approached,
compunction went out the door: "1 contrived
to put a .22 rim fire bullet through the utter-
most knuckle ofthe index finger ofmy right

AUGUST 1990 SPY 61

hand' he told the Times's readers. "I wondered if
the finger would heal rapidly enough for me to fish
for shad'
Sheer exhibitionism. Admittedly, there is a little of
this in many ofus - remember LB) lifting his shirt in
front of newspaper photographers to display the scar
from his gall-bladder surgery? Indeed, there are often
but two differences between a civilian's medical ex-
hibitionism and a writer's: those of premeditation
and word rate. AsJoseph Heller writes, "I knew intui-
tively that I was going to the hospital. And I tried to
pack accordingly. I thought first of a dictionary, a
thesaurus, some pads, pens, and pencils' In a story
for The New York Times Magazine unironically entitled
"The Private Pain of Infertility" Gwen Davis unironi-
cally insists, "Our pain is private; we keep
it to ourselves And yet to the hotel room
'rnk,i cl ,,,II c-í-n
"J. . if(WCf
r
.. . . .
& 'b '"'"I'
::c:,Y drugs, she totes her per.
Narcissism. Authors who may already
have been paid to document their child-
hoods and the breakups oftheir first mar-
nages might understandably assume that
the public hungers for details of their
sinus infections. Plus, there is the exquisite sense of
self-awareness that often accompanies pain and dis-
easeor so we are told. "A dangerous illness fills
you with adrenaline and makes you feel very smart:'
writes Anatole Broyard in the Times Magazine, remi-
niscirig about his cancerous prostate gland; he then
tells us he imagines his endangered life "as a beauti-
ful paisley shawl thrown over a grand piano'
The aging process. Broyard
is an older man, raised in a
more decorous era than our
own - and even he has suc- "' am izow experiencing diarrhea on
cumbed to the personal-injury a iearIy constant basis. My doctor
genre. As the famously self- assures me that I am very
obsessed baby-boom genera- 'Look on the bright side, ' he sa;s.
tion gets older and also finds You could be constipated. ''
itself beginning to decay, the
maxim "Write what you know"
will be taken to ever more
unpleasant extremes. William
Allen, in Esquire, on getting
outfitted for his hairpiece: "He
made a sort ofmold ofmy head
out of paper and masking tape. . . . Every few days I
had to shave the part of my head going under the
tape. . . . I would put the [adhesive] on my tape with a
little brush . . . and it worked fine until the residue built
up. The gummy crud built up on my head, too."
Read enough of such prose and you almost find
yourselfagreeing with Tom Wolfe when he insists that
modern writers should pour forth into the streets
and tackle life's larger issues. Anthony Brandt, in his
final Ethics column for Esquire, at least takes a stab
at it, expressing the hope that he can sum things
f, pY At'C.jST 199(
up and "say something grand. But be manages only
400 high-toned words before grandness is abandoned
and problems of the digestive tract take center stage:
"What strikes me now about my irritable bowel is the
general condition it illustrates: the enduring conse-
quences that small, apparently minor mistakes can
have' This is not the sort of analogy Susan Sontag
had in mind when she wrote illness as Metaphor, her
thoughtful 1978 meditation on the cultural meanings
of disease - prompted by Sontag's own struggle with
cancerthat is the ne plus ultra of the genre.
As for the rest, whether they are 2,000-word essays
for Harper's (penis-plagued Peter Freundlich again -
this time getting a tooth filled) or 175-page best-
sellers (Larry King suffering a heart attack), whether
if
,,
The pain was astonishing, so intense ¡bat some nights i sat up spitting into a
Styrofoam coffie cap Io avoid the agony ofswallowin.g."
on his phantom case of herpes, Esqufre
they are concerned with brain tumors or gingivitis,
most take predictable form. For those readers who
suspect they too harbor a malady ofinterest to others,
we offer this short primer:
Begin with a description of life before the afflic-
tion . By stressing the ordinary routine of their lives
before their bodies betrayed them, the masters of the
genre hope to show that their tragedy could very well
be anyone's - everyone's. In other words, they didn't ask
for it. "I dressed as customary upon getting out of
bed, large-size trousers over my underpants and then
a loose sweatshirtI have never gotten used to paja-
mas or a bathrobeand prepared my normal break-
fast' Joseph Heller happily recalls in No Laughing
Matter; before the breakfast dishes are cleared, how-
ever, he's struck with Guillain-Barré syndrome.
Don't forget to establish your extraordinary intel-
ligence and professional successproof that your
illness was unjust. Writing in The New York Times
on his digestive tract, Magazine, Nan Robertson reminds us that she went
New York magazine dancing "in a black velvet Paris gown" the night she
contracted toxic shock syndrome. "I unwrapped the
hero and took a bite, looking at my new Emmy. ...
This was my third:' announces Barbara Gordon in i'm
Dancing as Fast as i Can, a book-length discussion of
her Valium addiction. This sort of offhand detail
(Emmy as ancillary to hero-eating) works well: lives are
being threatened, and what wonderful lives they are!
Establish the seriousness of your disease as well
as your writerly intent by using a lot of macabre
Jl metaphors. Doctors become (to quote Freundlich)
"executioners' compliments turn into "funeral gifts:'
dentists' chairs are "morgue slabs" and hospital gowns
"shrouds.."
 Ii you aren't sick yourself, a spouse's, parent's or
childs illness will serve. And don't be impatient. Al.
though Molly Haskell was in the pink when she began
chronicling her husband Andrew Sarris's cytomegalo- ,..
virus encephalitis (in her recent
book Love andOther Infec:io:i.c Dis.
eases). misfortune soon smiled
on her: by the time he began his fe't a li:'zg itick. . .poking me.
recovery, she too could claim a 1idgizg me. from the inside. so,,ìeubere
hospital room, having been laid under my pubic bone. exploring
up - as she tells us - with her tissue-clotted cave. moving stiffly left
very own intestinal blockage. and right like a :il/e' bllmping up against
Continually declare the unique-
. .
ness ofyour pain. A writer musc the coji ceiling of my belly. pIi5hIng at
the soit walls.
believe that the pain he or she is
experiencing is unlike any other
kind of pain if readers are to be
truly and morbidly fascinated by on his cystoscopic operation,
it. This holds whether its Steve
Fishman's 'rasping' stinging'
"gnawing'S pain (brain hemor-
rhage; book), or more like Geoffrey Wolff's "heavy
Esquire
person . . . kneeling on my chest" pain (heart trouble;
article in Esquire). Also, don't be shy about including
any private ruminations on pain's existential nature,
no matter how wandering or trite; such observations
are nearly obligatory the genre's money shots, so to
speak. Fishman asks, 'is pain always personal?...
How do you describe a hurt? We can each ofus agree
chat a leaf is green, a ball of cotton soft, but what is
a rasping pain. . . ?" and adds, "My pain is private"
(heedless, like infertile, unironic Gwen Davis, of the
co ntra di ai on).
Keep no insights whatsoever to yourself. "Brain
surgery for me is a process a patient undergoes'
writes Fishman, sounding like Dan Quayle. Also,
don't worry about mystifying readers or appearing
pretentious in providing any medical jargon you may
have picked up. "LVEF 55% w/mild diffuse hypokine-
.
sis; calcificAo valve w/decr mobil;non-dom RCA nor-
mal,' notesJohn Gregory Dunne, helpfully, in Harp (a
1989 book about his heart disease).
Don't stint on the gore. "The disturbing sound of
metal scraping wood is heard as the surgeon's tool rips
the scalp offthe skull,a smooth, pale, bloodless curve,"
writes Fishman, the brain-hemorrhage sufferer. "A
wide tongue ofscalp is tied back to a sheet. From un-
derneath it looks like a slab of raw meat:' Naturally,
the best writers in this genre have strong stomachs -
or, better still, stomachs that have been cut open and
sewn back together. In Grown-up Fast, Betsy Israel
describes life after her routine cesarcan delivery: "Two
thick pouches of skin like pleated drapes hung from
cither side of the scar:' To disguise this, she "applied
the makeup base, and placed the tape over it, wrap-
ping it around my waist several times. . . . But when I
moved, the tape gapped, I had to put more tape on
the tape, and it became hard co lift my arms:' Next she
tried Krazy Glue. "I worked quickly, folding the flab
to the center and pressing. . . . But suddenly my skin
was on fire. Panting, i grabbed at the folded flesh. I
ran a nail down the crease. . .pulled and tugged until
at last the skin curled open, blood rushing in tiny red
=dots to the surface:'
When you can't stretch out your account of
the illness itselfany longer. treat the reader to
detailed, blow-byblowdescriptions of your
recovery. Heller extensively quotes his daily
medical charts, the color and texture of his
secretions, the frequency of his bowel move-
ments. "No BM 3 day. Received glycerine
supp. 5 pm without results. Fleet enema 8:30
pm with poor results. Nan Robertsons toxic
«r
. . .
cçri.. r;ir
'-''I-'"b' '-"-" '"-'"Y-
rr
r'"-"
riiii
''t'
away bits ofthe hard black sheaths around my
fingers to find, triumphantly, healthy pink
flesh beneath:' Never underestimate the
- powerful symbolism of rebirth.
Which brings us, finally, to this:
The question What did I do to deserve this?
must never be rhetorical. No matter how vigorously
they deny it, all writers about personal illness have
read their Sontag, and the notion of illness as a
metaphor for moral weaknessa punishment for
sloth, inadequacy and a life spent in the fast lane
must be dealt with. In Esquire, Jack McClintock
(venereal disease) bravely writes, "The contracting of
a disease is not a moral event:' Nevertheless, we learn
that "the novel that I had sacrificed a great deal (per.
haps the marriage) to write had been rejected. With
friends I seemed dulled, self-obsessed, a bore. Some-
how herpes came to symbolize and embody all the
rest'John Gregory Donne writes, on first learning of
u his occluded coronary arteries, "What I felt, oddly
enough, was a sense ofguilt, mixed with shame and
embarrassment. . . . It was my fault"
Ofcourse, Dunne goes on to tell us it really wasn't
k
his fault, just as McClintock understands that his case
=
of herpes has nothing to do with his status as a self-
professed bore. And yet, despite their denial
of any physical-suffering-as-spiritual-just-
deserts conceit, many ofthese writers relate
.. I%'l)' breaithone their happy endings in the language of reh-
ij u'ired gious redemption. Thanks to successful
.ctripled like a heart surgery, Dunne is reborn to "a new
packiìg crate. . . life' McClincock, 6,000 words into his
M)' scar ii a venereal case history, learns that the "red-
ness and soreness on the penis, a rubbed
beaut. Pii,ple.
raw patch" didn't mean be had herpes
t'ijible at a gooe r'
"miraculously."
di.cta,zce. In the end, though, we give these writers
the benefit ofthe doubtto a point. Okay,
we say, after reading about the bowel sur-
ttLqj
on his recovery from
gery, the severed digits, the rotting teeth,
heart surgery,
the infected genitals. Okay, maybe illness
Esquire
isn't a iTietaphor for some moral weakness.
But spinning it into a self-important maga-
II
zine piece, wellwe're not so sure. )
AUGUST i990 SPY 63
 wI-I-I- -I-.-. I%1 '-T -N- I-I 'VLJ
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Li I I I-II u tJ r1i f1 U I-UT

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IThink of Nikki Haskell. No, you're thinking of Pia Zadora. Nikki Haskell is the one who doesn't sing.
Nikki Haskel! is the one who wears the Fabrice dresses, too small and serried with crosswise folds and
wrinkles. True, she and Pia have the same haircut (Rod Stewarts), the same milieu, the same parking-
meter stature. But Nikki Haskell is the one who doesn't sing and who doesn't have a rich Israeli husband. In the 1970s
and '80s Nikki Haskell was somebody who was always around but who never quite arrived. For a time, around ten
years ago, she ruled New York night. life like a lesser Slovak noble, hold-
ing Baird Jones in vassalage though remaining a humble pres-
ence before Xenon owner Peppo Vanini. She lived in the clubs. She
was a party promoter, a bad papa- razzi photograph, a Page Six item.
Also, a cable-TV personality What was the cable show, anyway? Public Access
Party Hostess? In any case, that life is mostly behind her now. It is 1990. Nikki Haskell is 47 years old. The clubs are
dead. Her dresses still don't fit. No longer a minor socialite, she is now an aging minor socialite. There must be a way
out. There is: Nikki Haskell's Tone Caps. Tone Caps, miracle diet pills, are Nikki Haskell's ticket to "real money:' as
she calls it. Her ticket out ofherfaux penthouse (luxury high rise between Second and Third) with its dated, camp zebra-
skin decor. Her ticket out ofThird-Rate-Celebrity Hell. And it just might work. Nikki Golbus grew up in Chicago
in the 1940s and '50s. The family was rich. Nikki was the child of "Dapper Dan" Golbus, a man who anticipated the
corporate synergies of a later decade by owning both a millinery and a construction business. He spoiled his only
daughter, giving her, for example, not one horse but six. The family moved to Beverly Hills when Nikki was 13; her
father died soon thereafter. Still, --- _______ ______ Nikki loved her life in California:
the cars, the famous and wealthy boys. She married a real estate de-
veloper namedjack Haskell at 21, 1 e4,_4tet ':o..ii4;ii4.*t divorced him two years later be-
64 SPY AUG' 'ST 2990
 .i:

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cause ofhis hot temper, remarried comes from the Amazon. The garlic point,' says Cowan. 'They seem
him, moved to New York and comes from the high Andes. lt's not to work. They keep me toned:'
became a stockbroker, then exactly the formula for the atom Haskell's male counterpart in
divorced Jack Haskell again. The bomb - it's like Colombian coffee: party-attending and -throwing,
social enigma
- R. Couri Hay, is
.- .
.
devoted to her
' pills: "They
.

i" don't have any

.
4 narcotics in
!
; them, you know.

I J
r
..

..
.

Fancy dress: A signature /x'address andassoriedgroin coverings (u.'ith bead, chain and/ace varia/jons) mark the Hat/zell styleleft to right,
I sometimes
wish they did
Hay takes his
Tone Caps with
Haskell with singer RickJarnes, as a /mnk. al Carnaval in Rio with Neil Sedaka andfashion designer Fabricç, al Hugh iIeJ'nerc Midsirnrner
Nighi Dream par:)' and with Cornelia Guest on Halloween (u'ith Gueji apparently in coJtune as an ordinari human being) champagne, even
though the
Account Executive Years, at Drexel its something that's indigenous directions advise orange juice
Burnham and elsewhere, lasted to the area:' She is eating lunch (che pills, being diuretic, deplete
until 1977, when she went back in her apartment on 68th Street potassium; the juice replenishes
west to coproduce a Malcolm (salade niçoise, cold bow-tie pasta, it), "I can go through a box of
MacDowell movie called &es High. tomatoes and mozzarella, baby Godivas, an entire bottle of
This complicated life now loaves of onion bread). Propped Cristalwhich, you know, is much
acquired all the elements of a against the less fattening
modern fairy tale: a phony prince, wall is a gold- than Dom
a cable show and bankruptcy. painted step- : Perignon -
In 1979, Haskell's friend ladder bear- and I don't
"Prince" Egon von Furstenberg ing the legend look as puffy
asked her to host his cable talk NIKKI HAS- the next day'
show. He soon bailed out, but The KELL: FOR SO- says Hay. "If
Nikki Haskell Show ran for four CIAL CLIMB- I take the pill
years on ChannelJ. It was based "l've been on ING. She has and I've gone
at the club the Underground and every diet opened the wee-wee
Froni kooky gamine (1961) to Liz Taylor-like 50/)his-
featured Haskell in exotic costume, known to c h i 1 d p ro o f licate (1988). 1/she had one, I-Iaskell career in filins quite a bit, I
flown to exotic locales by Pan Am m a n k i n d ," cap ofa pias. and on the stage woicid span five decades. can see the
(for promotional consideration - says Haskell. tic bottle filled difference. I
the show's only advertising) and with bright-orange capsules. The can button my shirt, you know:'
chatting with her exotic friends
"I've taken Wee-wee? This is the Tone Caps'
label says, NIKKI HÄSKELL'S TONE
(for example, Robert Wagner). the pills, CAPS. They smell awful. With a dynamic engine of weight loss.
After spending about $300,000, the shots, the long, hooklike red fingernail, BeverlyJohnson, model, was
her entire fortune, and running injections Haskell pushes a pill across the in Paris for a runway show. The
up big debts to friends, video of pregnant table. clothes didn't fit. She says, "The
production companies and women's "Margaux Hemingway lost 50, show was in ten days. So I took
cameramen, Haskell declared maybe 60, pounds wich them' two in the morning, one in the
u r i ne"
bankruptcy. A subsequent career she says. "Cornelia [Guest) takes afternoon and another at dinner.
throwing parties for payco them; she lost a lot of weight. You're in Parisyou know, the
promote clubs, products, Joey And Lorna Luft. Call Lorna'Jill food is so good. I ate dinner
Heathercon - frustrated her. The St. John. Eva Gabor. Barbara every night, and I still lost ten
work was very satisfying, but ir Rush. Ann Turkel, Richard pounds in ten days. You do have
simply didn't bring in enough Harris's former wife. to pee all the time. That was a
money. Haskell, game as ever, was "Malcolm Forbes used a bottle little annoying'
reduced to teaching a course at to trim down before his 70th "I'm telling you, it really works'
the Learning Annex on how to get birthday," Haskell says. (Forbes is says Haskell. «l've been on a diet
invited to the right parties and deceased.) Charles Revson's son since I was 13. I've been on every
how to give them. The fee: $25. John. Jet.set fu rrier Dennis Basso. diet known to mankind. I've taken
Warren Cowan, chairman of the the pills, the shots, the injections
"Just garlic and papaya' Haskell public-relations firm Rogers & of pregnant women's urine. The
says proudly, describing the Tone Cowan, says he lost eight pounds shake jobs are the worst:'
Caps' ingredients. "The papaya on the pills. "I'll try anything at this With her full breasts and tiny,

66 SPY AUGUST 1990

bony frame, Haskell resembles a
shiny partridge. At lunch she wears
a short blue Lady Bird Johnson
dress and three-inch heels. She
says she is five foot three, 103
pounds, and eats "like a horse;'
something her lunchtime behavior
does not contradict. How can
she look like a partridge but eat
. .
like a horse? Ofcourse: the little
orange pills.
Haskell first heard about the
magic papaya.and-garlic elixir in
the early 1980s, when tubby
society types were keeping slim
with the help of Enzo Caps -
another Peruvian wonder pill
which were taken off the market
in 1985. "There was this coup in
Peru,' says Haskell, "and the Enzo
Caps vanished into the sunset'
That's when it occurred to her
that if she could sell the mixture
herself, she could make millions.
. !l(l?Z(I
The market already existed. And
. .
who needs a chemistry degree
J ust last year Dick Gregory, the
comediancivil-rights activist,
netted $13 million with Dick
Gregory's Bahamian Diet (a shake
job). With the help of some
Peruvian friends (who doesn't have
one or two?), Haskell managed to
have the pills manufactured in a
Lima laboratory. After 18 months
of problems and delays, the
capsules finally made it through
customs. When the first shipment
of Tone Caps arrived in New
York in late 1986, Haskell
delivered them to all the "best
buildings" by car. "Up and down
i.iwu
Breakfast at B:jan: Ilaske/lon the town with ziario,.r wolves - left to right, R. ouri Hay; Vivian B/ainec nzanager.husband.Jef need FDA approval as
LeRoy Neiman: Ma/co/rn Forbes: Prince Egon ¡'on Fiiritenberg: and entertainment lawyer AI/en Grubman
Park Avenue' she says, "all the
women wanted them:'
Haskell's business grew by word
ofmouth largely hers. She passed
out bottles olpills during lunches
at Le Cirque. She went to every medieval times, after all, when
single drugstore on the Upper East magic ruled over reason. There
Side and personally persuaded the is a theory behind Haskell's pills,
owners to carry Tone Caps. She and it runs something like this:
begged Boyd's, the posh Madison Papaya, as a metabolizing agent,
Avenue pharmacy, to sell them; breaks down protein. "Papaya is
--
'
.
,
after a string of letters and calls
'I;i'L
!
a natural enzyme that is in every
- -.
'
;.__ 1
___________
t
7 - -
i'
1L1 I -
1
"
I
' ______
.
.....'
j -
l
'.
'
'
.
t
'
. . . . . .
, .
1rimp finds lime (despite reserve dut) with the Czech %"aci? to give Hake// an audience on ¡he
. . . .
,
irump Princess. Meanuhite. Marta,ix HernlnRu'ay. preione Lap iverapy. stares areamny at
Haske/I scalp. Heminguay. herfriend clamis, lost 50 or 60 poimds.
and celebrity endorsements, they stomach and in meat tenderizers,"
ordered Haskell's pills. Now they explains Haskell. "When meat
sell 60 bottles a month. (Haskell leaves the slaughterhouse, they
overcame a serious marketing dip it in a papaya solution' The
problem. The pills stink, and as garlic, a natural diuretic, flushes
everyone knows, after you eat garlic, out the system. "The faster that
you stink, as the garlic is released food moves through the system,
through your pores. Haskell the better the chance you have of
addresses this issue forthrightly, losing weight;' says Haskell. Food
explaining that the pills use only settlements that might otherwise
deodorized garlic and are therefore grow into great civilizations of
safe. Included in her Tone Caps fat are thus swept away mercilessly.
press kit is the standard work on "I cannot conceive of any
this subject, "The Healing Powers scientific basis where that could
of Garlic - Nature's Ancient be true' was the succinct opinion
Medicine in Modern Deodorized
Form' by Morton Walker, D.P.M.
(Doctor of Podiatric Medicine).
long as they're called
11f
a "dietary supplement:')
Still, Haskell's friends swear the
Tone Caps work. "I'm a songwriter,
not a chemist, you know' says
We no longer live in an age of Carol Connors, a Los Angeles
superstition. These are not based lyricist and coauthor of the
AUGUST 1990 SPY 67
 JtL

Left. ihm. trim (but unfortunately not a Tone Caps custorner)Joey Heatherton riabs her torso against
Haskell while an Irnelda Marcos impersonator grins happily. Right, The Three Partyteers I:Jackie
Collins. Allan Carr andHaskell; The Three Parcyteers II: Haskell, Peter It/len andCharlene Tilton

Rocky theme, "Gonna Fly Now' as
well as "Champagne Wishes and
Caviar Dreams;' the theme from
L:ftstyles ofthe Rich and Famous.
«But my doctor said they were fine.
N kk
i i H a s ke I I He didn't say, 'Stop. I take them
i sst i II in moderation, and ive been
taking them for two or three years
around, but now. I watch what I eat. I ve lost
, .
big plans. Shes giving the Tone
Caps a more upscale image
changing the name to Star Caps,
adding a gold star to the label
and including her own 14-day
diet plan. A whole line of new
products is in the works: Nikki
Haskell's diet salad dressings and
. .

varicose-vein creams, Nikki

s h e st I I i
14 pounds. Thanks to Tone Caps, Haskell's Celluslim Cellulite
hasn't arrived. lcandrinkallthechampagneand Control System (already available
Ey e n n o w,
eat all the caviar I want' Fourteen on the Home Shopping Network),
whenshe pounds in three years - 14 pounds as well as a special Nikki Haskell
drops a name, exactly; Tone Caps get results. diet water. Now, there's an idea.
Haskell's entrepreneurial gambit lt lust might work. But it hasn't
it tends to be . . . . . .

might work. The pills are yet. Nikki Haskell is still around,
i.Orfla Lurt
Z
s but she still hasn't quite arrived.
evidently selling. Haskell says
__________- profits have kept her company ¡n Even now, when she drops a name,
the black, and this year she expects it tends to be Lorna Luft's.
to see "real money" coming in. Cornelia. Margaux. Jet-set furrier
Her friend Ivana Trump is said to Dennis Basso. Haskell's eager
have distributed bottles of the endorsers cannot seem to speak
pills at one ofher all-girl pajama- on the record without mentioning
party weekends at Mar-a-Lago in Cristal, Godiva, caviar. From
Palm Beach. Approximately 150 the looks ofthings, she may have
stores in New York, Florida escaped from Third-Rate-Celebrity
and Beverly Hills carry Tone Hell only to find herself in Fat-
Caps, and in September so will Third-Rate-Celebrity Hell. If the
the 1,300 outlets of General real money comes through, though,
Nutrition Center, the largest it all will have been worth it.
health-food chain in the country. Then Nikki Haskellconsummate
At $100 for 30 pills, Tone Caps survivor and would-be diet guru
can a several-thousand-dollar- to Le Cirque and Park Avenue -
a-year habit. And Haskell has can move west of Lexington. )
( çpv
 '.:
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;;42ude o
A ceiictM' d fred-
fy-t4e /si. 4 o'Iny of ps ioi fruir
ForgiUdeveryolLaGrande PassionanywherecaJI 1-BOO.CHEER.UP(eeptwhepOhibtedbYIaW) ProductofFrance.48proot. 1988CariUonImpOflerS. Ltd.Teaneck, N.J.
 II breaking price. Very embarrassing in-
deed. But the Times wiped the egg from
its face by putting a determined spin on
the story: Michael Kimmelman's news
analysis ofthe sale, two days later, carried
the headline $82.5 MILLION PRICE FOR
VAN GOGH DISGUISES POOR OVERALL
SALES. The article's pull cjuote said insis-

YOLK'S tently, "Most ofthe other items in the lot

sell below their estimates;' and the head-
line for the jump to a second page was a
l I I*I hopefully dire VAN GOGH PRICE OB-
SCURES A SLIDE IN ART MARKET. (Days
later, yet another painting went for a
The delicate art of putting stratospheric priceAt the Moulin ik la
Galette for $78.1 million, at Sotheby's.)
So how's the art market these days? All
egg on one own face
together, now: Lousy!
Traditionally critics tell us how they
feel about whatever it is they're review-
BY HENRY .D,U"Ç'E. HOLLAND ing. Not Roger Ebert. He tells us how
he doesn't feel, how he hasn't reacted. And
That tired old gag "How do i ge: io Carnegie HaII?74Practice, practice, practice" recently be- he does it in a wishy-washy way, with
came fresh and exciting in the hands ofDaily News columnist William Norwich. Here the tremulous Ebert thumb pointed nei-
is how Norwich opened one of his columns: ther up nor down but sideways. Here,
from the Daily News (and not, as you
Question: Hey. Misteri which way to Carnegie Hall?
REVIEW Answer: Practice.
might imagine, from Highlights for Chu-
OF dren), are Ebert's final, hedging words on
REVIEWERS
Norwich's brave improvisation deserves scrutiny. By simply replacing some recent movies: "I am not sure if the
"How do I get tor' with "Which way to' he deftly renders che answer film itself is a success because I am not
(a minimalist "Practice") meaninglessthat is to say,fitnny. This is bold new comedy sure what it is trying to do (i Love You to
indeed: paraphrasing to comic effect. lt's
as if Henny Youngman, all those years
ago, had stepped up to the microphone
and instead said, "My wife, for exam-
ple. . please!"
Norwich's fellow gossip Liz Smith, in
the same newspaper two days later, also
ran into trouble at the start ola column.
Her earnest remembrance of Sammy
Davis Jr., Jim Henson and art dealer
Harry Bailey began with an extremely
curious choice of quotation. from Ciar-
ence Darrow: 'According to obituary no-
tices, a mean and useless citizen never
dies:' That whistling sound? Darrow's
sarcasm whizzing over the top of Liz's
ten-gallon hat.
No one was more shocked than The
New York Times when Van Gogh's Portrait
of D, Cachet fetched $82.5 million at
Christie's last May. (Weil, maybe I was:
days earlier, I'd passed on a chance to buy
thar very painting on MacDougal Street
for a fraction o(what Ryoei Saito paid
$5, I think it was.) The Times had been
saying that the art market was softening
and that prices were dropping, and now
this Van Gogh had brought a record.

70 SPY AUGI IS1 1990

Death). i still didn't care about the out-
come ofthe movie' (Revenge). "By the end
ofthe movie i was happy to have ir close
as it does' (Pretty Woman). I wasn't exact-
ly on the edge of my scat waiting to see
how it would turn out" (The White Girl).
'I did not walk into the screening with
a light step and a heart that sang. For
that matter, I did not walk out afterward
with my spirits renewed" (Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles).
See Roger go to the screening. Sec
Roger pick up his crayon. See Roger
equ ivoca te.
The New Yôrker's estimable Mimi
Kramer, on the other hand, tells us how
herfriendr react. She's generous tooshe
modestly gives them all the best lines: "A
friend of mine who saw the original,
1959 production of Gypsy has suggested
that when Ethel Merman came down the
aisle bellowing, 'Sing our, Louise!' she in-
stantaneously invented the concept of
Broadway camp:' "A friend of mine who
saw Aspeas o/Love in London has sug-
gested that Garnett's novel offers the per-
lea source material for Andrew Lloyd
Webber that a collaboration between the
great schlock composer and this minor
member ofthe Bloomsbury sec represcnts
a match made in Heaven:' "[Imagining
Bradl made my two companions. . so
angry they wanted to burn down the
theatre. (The play, they said, changed
their perception of nothing except goy-
ernnient subsidy of the arts.)" "[At a re-
vivaI of The Sound o/Musid I closed my
eyes, put my head on my companion's
shoulder, and said, 'Wake me up when
this song is over, would you please?' She
whispered back, 'What if I can't?""Tle
friend who came with me to see Square
One says she likes Dianne Wiest because
Dianne Wiest looks like a real person:'
This is known as the seven-or-eight-
on-the-aisle school of criticism.
Noted man oflectersJames Atlas, now
an editor a The New York Times Magazine,
has published The Book Wars: What Ii
Takes to Be Educated in A merica . lt's a cu ri -
ously slim volume, under 100 pages, and
itwould be slimmer still ifnot for the 18
pages of four-color Federal Express ad-
vertising sprinkled throughout. That's
right: it's a Whittle book. And it's filled
with wonderful, horrifying ironies. A
chapter on "Cultural Illiteracy" begins
with an ad promoting Federal Express's
full-seryice all.ca rao airli ne:' Another
weird juxtaposition of pages gives us, on
the right-hand side, "Innovations in the
curriculum have politicized the humani-
ties. . . . Proliferation of courses in third-
world literature, of deconstructionism
and feminist criticism, represents. . .'an
ideologically motivated assault on the in-
tellectual and moral substance ofour cul-
ture" and on the left-hand side, "When
you send your package Federal Express
domestic or internationalwe take care
of your shipment every step of the way.'
That's at the beginning of a chapter
called "The Decline ofLiterary Criricism'
Actually, it's a great ideaeven if you
come away from Atlas's book still unde-
cided about whether Milton should be re-
quired reading in college, at least you'll
remember that Federal Express's 14,000
overseas couriers can provide on-time de-
livery practically anywhere in the world.
The rating note at the end of Caryn
J ames's review of Bird on a Wire in the
Times was odd: 'There ¡s some violence
and a glimpse ola naked behind that is
supposedly Mel Gibson's; the editing
suggests it's a body double:' The Times
orJamessounds bitter, no? And what
couldjanet Maslin, another good critic,
possibly have been thinking when she
wrote that Gary Oldman's performance
. as an unhinged war hero in Chattahoochee
"may be deeper and more gripping than
the real man or his real story"? Hold
onOldman is acting!
Finally, hats offto whoever was behind
that Esquire parody that turned up in my
mailbox last spring. The decision to pub-
lish it as ifit were the actualjune issue of
Esquirenames of real Esquire staff,
familiar suffocating scent, no PARODY
disclaimer in evidencewas a clever
touch, though it unfortunately conceals
the identities ofsome very funny satirists.
The cover sets the tone: THE SECRET
LIFE OF THE AMERICAN WIFE, it reads,
over a composite photo of a model di-
vided into partsthe professional, the
housewife and so on. The labels are
priceless: "HER LIPS: Can you trust
what they say?. . . HER BRA: What really
keeps it up?. . . HER PLUMBING: How
much should you know?" Inside are sto-
ries such as 'The [00 Best Wives of All
Time" and "The Twelve Virtues of the
Perfect Wife' and a page-long list of ail
the ways We Men refer to Her ("the little
woman. ..mi esposa...pudding.. .cup-
cake . . . the missus . . . squaw . . . fire of my
loins"). lt's funny but a little unfair, be-
cause Esquire isn't really this bad, is it?
Especially hilarious is "Your Wife: An
Owner's Manual:' which includes expia-
nations of che contents of her handbag
and of how her bra works, a multiple-
choice quiz about her medicine chest, a
diagram on her "plumbing" and a section
called "Her Ablutions: Why Do They
Take So Long?" As satire, the feature "The
Last Housewife in America" could have
coastcd on its titEe alone, but the "author"
takes the trouble rosustain it with gooey,
neo.Hemingway, Esquire-like prose: "She
clears the breakfast dishes. She reaches
for the vacuum. She reaches for the dust-
cloth. She reaches for the laundry. There
is a smile on her face, and soon she be.
gins to whistle."
The parody's attention co detail is im-
pressive. The Man at His Best section in
dudes an appropriately predictable arti-
de on hairpieces ("Today more than a
million American men wear toupees . . .
Whoever wrote the Pete Hamill column
captured Hamill's tough, overdramatic
prose perfectly ("On this day, murder
drew me up to the hills. I pulled a rented
car onto a sunbaked shoulder ofthe road
and sat, thinking about a man named
J ose Enrique Menendez and his wife,
Kitty"). And the editor's letter manages
to outLee Eisenberg Lee Eisenberg, not
an easy thing to do: "She is there when a
man wakes up and she is there when he
goes to sleep. . . . She ¡s the overwhelming
source of joy, inspiration, solace, guilt,
passion, frustration, and balance in his
life ...... Then "Eisenberg" reveals, at in-
terminable length, the results of yet
another survey (this time male and fe-
male views on marriage) before conclud-
ing with the requisite "I'm proud to re-
port" boast about EsquiWs most recent
slew ofnominations for National Maga-
zine Awards. Beautiful.
As much as it demonstrates that the
art of parody is not dead, the Esquire
effort fails in some ways. It's a little broad.
At times ir seems datedsmirky in the
manner of, say, Playboy's Party Jokes.
And one photo feature, on Georgette
Mosbacher, Gayfryd Steinberg and Caro-
lyne Roehm, is utterly out of character:
sharp, witty and devastating in a way the
real Esquire hasn't been in a decade or
more. But these are minor quibbles. The
parody is fun, a lot more fun than Esquire
itself.
AUGUST 1990 SPY 71
 Congress.The rider authorized the presi-
dent to halt U.S. funding for a United

V
CLASSIFILDS
Nations team, called UNTAG, that was
overseei ng Nami bia's peaceful, carefully
negotiated secession from South Africa.
As we shall see, the basis of Helms's legis-
1 1 lative gambit was bogus, a fabrication
that might have been revealed had Con.
Claisifiedr appear mûnshly I,, S l'Y. A fi trlers gress administered some rudimentary
??JllSt be prepaid. io p/ace orkri /iy phoie. a// l%I -1-I-I -IIL_I_. tests before enacting the bill into law. But
(212) 633-6550. io a/ci,laie the co5t. CIJII?II no tests were administered, and four
each letter. Jpace afl/ ¡ieictiiation iiiark i,, ihc ad months later Jim Baker was in Wind-
you lean! to rim. and (Iizï(Je by 50. Tb.' result ii
the ,mm/,aer oJ Ij,it'. in a Iy/flJe'I ad. Figure /rice
How some die-hard Cold Warriors hoek, bobbing and weaving, trying to
convey the message Hey, Namibia - nothing
accorIingIy (.ctt pri. belrm. On rcqueil. uc
and a Belgian con artist tried to personal.
i'iIl stt 1/Je first lisie i all tipita/ letter.' P/&,5('
ami ae/dre Helms, like most of Capitol Hill's ex-
i,,cludc your daytime ¡hiair
01 all corre5/wmdence. ?I(I .cend to spy. .5 U,iio,i change US. policy in Africa treme conservatives, never wanted an
Square W'est. Neu' )'ok. N. 'z'. I 0003. independent Namibia, a country whose
ttention: Gina DIKI).'1Pi.
1% dominant party (SWAPO) is aligned
CLASSIFIED ADS: $55 per line, wo-Iine with Moscow. Neither do Helms and his
BY DAVID ARONSON AND DAVID KAMP
minimum $3() ir linc for tWo or more ilk hold much affection for Namibia's
COnSeCUtIVe months.
friendly neighbor, Angola, whose Marxist
PERSONALS: $3() per line; Iimite(I abbre- J udging from the scene in the stands, we government is backed by Cuba and is
viations accepted. Add S i 5 for SPY box
could have been watching a brawl from fighting a civil war againstJonas Savim.
number. Mail will be forwarded for eight
veeks mollowine pLIbIicati()n.
the Turin-Liverpool match in the 1985 bi's U.S.-supported UNITA (National
CLASSIFIED DISPLAY: $230 per column Cup of Champions, or a Union for the Total Independence of
inch; $20() for two or more consecutive tilt-screen sequence from Angola) guerrillas. in December 1988,
rObOt lis. P0LITICS che old Batman series, or Angola, Cuba and South Africa signed
almost anything except a an agreement in which Cuba promised
INTRODUCTION SERVICES group of foreign dignitar. to withdraw its troops from Angola by
ies attending che inauguration last mid-1991 and South Africa agreed to al-
JAPANLSL \WOMEN seek friendship. romance.
Other beautiful Asians too! PACiFIC CENTURY.
spring of the president of a new nation. low Namibia's independence. This deal
I IO Pacific #208JH. San Francisco. Ci 91 1 I I But that's what it was. On the playing was not universally approved; Duncan
(816) 942-1668. field, with grace and dignity, Sam Nu- Sellars, chairman ofthe conservative In-
joma, leader of the South-West Africa ternational Freedom Foundation (1FF) in
HELP WANTED People's Organization (SWAPO). was be- Wash i ngcon,says that after the agreement
EASY WORK! EX(LLLEN'F PAY! ASSEMBLE ing sworn in as independent Namibia's was signed, right-wingers thought of it
PRODUCTS AT lIOME. CALL FOR first president. But up in the reviewing as"asellout of [South Africa- controlled)
INFORMATION. 5()4-&i1-800' EXT. 2917 stand, elbows were flying like mad. One Namibia and a sellout of UNITA'
witness saw Angola's president, José Ed- Helms and a platoon of right-wing
RECORDS & TAPES
u ardo dos Santos,"pummeli ng somebody operatives (the lobbyists at Black,
Music or tragie heroes! Reggae. Rock, Avant-
else's security guard:' and James Baker, Manafort, Stone & Kelly, who represent
garde. Dub. Free catalog! ROIR. Suite i I I P.
NYC,NY 1(8)12. the U.S. secretary ofState, eluding a hay- UNITA, and the think-tankers at the
maker coming from the direction of the Heritage Foundation and the 1FF) co-
PERSONALS president of Zaire. The Namibians, not alesced around a piece of legislation -
yet accustomed to this ceremony, had not the rider to the budget billthat would
Lyone D:,,zc. . SIlL! .I UP FACE? liase }'ourse/f a
provided enough seats in their stadium have given President Bush an excuse for
iitiIlatmg Iflrthd(Iy.' Lori. Sa,iaztha Sicnra.
to accommodate both the visiting dig- withholding Washington's funding for
To my fri'n/ Silly Bill;. With Lo:. Bau)' Patty.
nitaries and thei; bodyguards; a mad the UN team in Namibia ifany evidence
AlllIit tu the zehole seidc world. b,: t.
Ilapp) scramble for space quickly devolved into was found that the Cubans were using
an every-VI P-for-himself melee. chemical weapons to support their Marx-
SHOW THE WORLD YOU CARE Baker avoided damage; liad Senator ist pals in Angola. In other words, the bill
-
ENVIRONMENTAL TSHIRTS
.1
esse Helms been in Baker's shoes, the es- said that ifthe Conimies misbehaved in
$13.50 EACH (FREE SHIPPING)
cape might not been so complete. Angola, we wouldn't help pay for Na-
___________ ($?tCIFY SLZI lJIO OUIG$ WAITiD)

HIGH OUALITY 50150 BLEND

Four months earlier Helms and his right. mibia's transition to independence.
TSHIRTS . CATALOG FREE wing allies had managed to put the The idea for the bill was born during
L
WITH ORDER SEND TO: United States in the position of disap- a trip taken to Angola in March 1989
______________________________________
wO1DrOPlCS .
I?FAIR OAXSCIR .
proving of Namibian independence by by MicliaelJohns, the Heritage Founda-
sneaking a rider to a budget bill through tions policy analyst for African affairs.

72 SPY AUGUST 1990

There he met Aridries Holst, a West Ger-
man who claimed to be filming a docu-
mentary about Cuba's use of chemical
weapons in Ango[a.Johns brought Holst
to Washington, where the German film-
maker was introduced to Helms, State
Department officials, lobbyists and other
conservatives likely to be moved by his
footage, which purported to show the
horrors of chemical warfare.
For whatever reason, Holst did not
impress, and Helms's bill foundered. To
salvage the effort, the IFF's Duncan Sel-
lars refocused attention on a scientific
report Holst had commissioned from
Aubin Heyndrickx, a toxicologist from
the University of Ghent in Belgium,
which substantiated Holst's claims. In
July, Sellars brought Heyndrickx to
Washington to tour the same conserva-
tive network Holst had earlier traveled.
The difference: Heyndrickx opinions car-
ned the heft and credibility of science.
While Heyndrickx held forth, Helms
rallied his allies on the Senate Foreign
Relations Committee to lash the rider to
a vital appropriations bill and Black,
Manafort's lobbyists hit the Hill. And
son ofa gun, with the boost Heyndrickx
provided, the plan worked: on Novem-
ber 21, George Bush put his signature
on a bill containing the Cuban-chemical-
warfare provision.
But what might Look like a model of
parliamentary maneuvering is more likely
an instance of ultraconservative fraud.
For as it turns out, Holst is an impostor
with no serious journalistic or fllmmak-
ing credentials, and Heyndrickx, on
whose reports the rider was entirely
predicated, is a publicityseeking show-
boat. Heyndrickx has visited war zones
around the worldCambodia, AI.
ghanistan, Iran - in search of evidence
of chemical warftire and has tended to
find it or not find it depending on who
was supplying his funding. He once ar-
gued that one of his clients, the iranian
Army, had not used chemical weapons
against the Iraqis because "the gases are
not in the Koran'
Heyndrickx's examination of Holst!s
bomb fragments and environmental
samples showed that chemical weapons
were used. Other chemical-weapons
expertsone is tempted to say real
chemical-weapons experts - disagree.
Finland's Marjatta Rautio, who is per.
haps the worlds preeminent expert in
this field, examined Heyndrickxs data
and reports. "I don't see the connection
between the results and the conclusions'
she says. Julian Perry Robinson, senior
researcher at the University of Sussex,
doubts Heyndrickx's descriptions of the
victims' medical conditions. And André
De Leenheer, Heyndrickx's overseer at
Ghent, is frankly contemptuous. "l've
been studying everything in detail that
has been wrirten' De Leenheer says of
Heyndrickx's findings. "lt's a real joker
De Leenheer says he would kick out any
student who handed in a similar report.
Heyndrickx does have a champion or
two in the scientific community, includ-
Ing Dr. Clair Paley, a British toxicology
expert. And according to Duncan Sel-
lars, "The Soviets said his clinical analy-
sis was incredibly accurate. . . . But it's not
a result ola chemical bomb per se; its a
firebomb." As it-turns out, Sellars's source
for what the Soviets said about Heyn-
drickx isHeyndrickx! But curiously, an
account of the meeting between Heyn-
drickx and the Soviet scientists that ap-
peared in Tass indicates that it was not
't
've been studying
everything in detail,"
De Leenheer says of Heyndrickx's
findings. it's a real jok?
Soviet scientists but yes! - Heyndrickx
himself who suggested that che residue
came from a firebomb.
The question arises, how were Wash-
ington's conservatives so sure that Heyn-
drickxs work was scientifically sound?
Riva Levinson, one of Black, Manaforts
people on che UNITA account, says she
cannot personally vouch for the Heyn.
drickx repOrt. 'All I can tell you,' she says,
"is that I am not a technical expert on this
issue and that other people are, whom I
listen She referred us to Margaret Cal-
houn, a freelance lobbyist who worked
for Black, Manafort and UNITA on the
Hill last summer. Calhoun shares Levin-
son's ignorance of science ("When you
talk about chemical formulas, my eyes
glaze over") but says that she checked
Heyndrickx out. "Duncan's probably
more of a technical expert in this' she
says. "You should talk to Duncan"
We did. Sellars told us he had hired no
one to check out Heyndrickx's bomb-site
samples but Heyndrickx himself had
sent them to che State Department and
other agencies. Helms's aides at the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee say
that they too relied on the State Depart-
ments analysis of Heyndrickx's find-
ings. So we asked the State Department
whether it could vouch for the report.
Gary Crocker, a State Department intel-
ligence officer with expertise in chemical
warfare, indicated that the departments
tests for evidence of chemical coritami-
nation in Heyridrickxs samples were
negative. In other words, this significant
piece of legislation was passed with no
credible substantiation whatsoever.
Like the lobbyists, UNITÀ can't really
say how or whether it confirmed Heyn-
drickx's findings. Heider Mondabe,
UNIT&S man in Washington, told us
he had visited a "university of chemical
warfare" in Switzerland to discuss Heyn-
drickx's work, but he could not remem-
ber the name or location of the univer-
sity We called che military attaché to the
Swiss embassy ¡n Paris for help; he said
that no such university exists, that no
such studies are undertaken at any of the
Swiss universities. When we called Mon-
dabe a week later to see whether he'd
remembered the name of the universi
he said no, he still didn't remember, and
Hey, do you guys really have to mention the
Swiss #niversi/y in your article?
Duncan Sellars remains unfazed by
his star witness's impeached authority.
"The questions raised have been argu-
mencs attempting to attack his personal
credibility he says stalwartly. Fortunate-
ly, che State Department has wised up.
Is Heyndrickx a charlatan? "I have no
doubt about that' says Gary Crocker.
"That's for surer But a year ago the
findings oían easily debunked professor
were regarded as gospel by gullible
policymakers, a mistake that could be
rectified only by dispatchingJim Baker
to Windhoek, just to show the Namibi-
ans that we were sorry we had been such
soreheads about their independence. )
AUGUST 1990 SPY 73
 Li l%J - _ I I I-I
F : wc
ACROSS
1. As lar as I know, no oiw ¿ets U much
sympathy br windshield kills. Certainly not
anyone who has ever caught a beetle ¡n the
mouth at high speed. Can we justify the high-
way slaughter ofinsects, then, on the grounds
of self-defens& lt is not as though we could,
if we chose, hurtle along dashing the brains
out oftiny flying vegetables instead. And it is
hard to imagine how a humane windshield
would work. (A friend of mine who used a
Havahart trap to catch woodchucks eating
his garden says the catch comes when you
open the trap alongside some peaceful coun-
try lane and release the captive. Instead of
scampering offgratefully into a new life, the
woodchuck tends to give you as many nasty
bites as possible while chasing you back to
your car. As indeed would any American of
spirit, in the woodchuck's place. To bugs,
however, or to creatures who depend on bugs
for nourishment, an automobile must seem
highly insensitive at best. All we want, of
course, is not to have to deal witl individually
fascinating members ofthe insect kingdom -
creatures, I needn't mention, with perfect lit-
tic faceswho are usc trying to go about
their business when all of a sudden here we
come wh0000ing down the pike belching
fumes and laying waste to all before us. Some
friends of mine in college were tootling along
blithely toward Daytona once when a gorged
buzzard came through their windshield. lt
made them realize how one-sided this mode
of interface with nature usually is.
9, Limb and lap rearranged ("dance").
17. Dog-do and oPer rearranged ("toss"). In-
cidentally, ifyou'rc thinking oftaking in that
movie The Cook, the 'I'hief His Wife and Her
Lover because you read that the opening scene
involves the smearing of someone with dog-
do, don't. The movie gets less life-enhancing
after that. My feeling is that Peter Greenaway,
the director, was a veal calfor a windshield-
impacted bugor a vivisected dog in his previ-
ous life, which left him with a had taste in his
mouth for humanit But no, he needs a bet-
ter excuse than that.
18, The even pigs are the one who stayed
home and the one who had none. Porky is
odd, for a pig, because he wears clothes above
the waist, has a waist and stutters.
24. What do you get when you cross Lassie
with a pit hull? A dog that will chew your face
offand run for help.
26. Let's give this a reprise and think it over:
74 sPY AUGUST 1990
The hen just squawks when shes trying to pr It
Would give us pause iíshe knew how to say it.
Okay, it's anthropomorphic. But maybe if
you asked a chicken whether it was anthropo-
morphic, and the chicken could somehow get
the drift ofyour question, the chicken would
sa) "No, it's not! lt's not! BWAK! BWAK! It's
simpatico! BWAAK! lt's moving!"
1. 'I'hese clues are getting too easy. A chicken,
with some training, could have figured this
one out. If you have traveled at all widely in Jacoby & Meyers gets just about all
this country, you have seen chickens in cages
who dance or sell postcards or play basket- the respect it deserves
ball. A quarter dropped into the slot be-
side the cage makes a noise that notifies the
chicken that ilshe hops up on a turntable and s y R ON K L L L EY
shuffles (what she is doing is scratching in-
stinctively I'm told you can't train a chicken
not co scratch around when she is antici- The white-shoe firms in any profession
pating food), or pulls a postcard-dispensing tend to have little regard for the arrivistes
lever with her beak, or pecks at a Ping-Pong who find opportunity and then fortune in
ball so that it flies toward a hoop, she will au- those dim, unglamorous
tomatically get some corn. If the American corners in which the old
people can be conditioned to vote for Ronald LAW pros cant bring themselves
Reagan, George Bush and Dan Quayle, then to labor. Mike Milken, for
I don't see why a chicken couldn't he condi-
example, earned the dis-
tioned to work a crossword puzzle.
dam of Wall Street's staid investment
2, AP Cwire service") plus pending.
3. Bra plus VA. The feminine of bravo.
bankers less for the felonies he corn-
4. Garn plus bit. mitted than for lending money to com-
6. Coal ("fossil fuel") plus e (for energy) plus parues the big firms thought unworthy
iced (the abbreviation for Decernberc hack- of credit and for coming up with an in-
wardcoming up"). novative way to raise capital. in the legal
& Itoat rearranged ("somehow"). profession, the scorned newcomers are
17, Etiedeirearranged ("sort of) about A, the fast-food law firm ofJacoby & Meyers.
which is the top grade in school, if not in Though innumerable law firms have
municipal bonds. taken advantage of the 1977 Supreme
22. 'Thwards ('in the direction of") without
Court decision that opened the door for
WI?. In The Devilr Dictionary Ambrose Bierce
lawyers to advertise on television - one
defined edible as "good to eat, and wholesome
to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a gets the impression that half the UHF
snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a stations in America would go broke if
man to a worm' I still like barbecue. ) they could no longer run commercials for
schools that teach people how to drive
DEAD'BUG tractor-trailers and for attorneys interest-
CO'CO'NU'T
!IJ.I!I. ed in profiting from that ugly case of
'L I PBALM RAPAHO whiplash you've gotnone has been
IuiI, !!Ii,I!I! more assiduous in inflicting itselfon the
M A N E A T i N G B E A S TS consciousness ofthe nation than Jacoby
M I III T I E Isilli & Meyers. And it will come as no sur-
À N IMALIC ACKER S prise that the firm's amateurish commet-
u
'OJOGOODERIbDOP
.iMI I s I,I,II
I
cials are a fitting vehicle for the nutty,
uncorporate behavior of its cofounders,
,
$A' I I I .I U I .L I
Y O U R B R O
I .
Founded in 1972 by two young UCLA
E OUM
ALASSIE
C O L
!I.I.!IÌ!
'LEJONINE
I
law graduates, Len Jacoby and Steve
Meyers, the firm aimed to provide quick,
s o i A L P V R inexpensive legal advice for what the two
TOSAY'IIT 'OlYiST1EIRlS partners considered their "legal niche"
the supposedly unrepresented middle
class. Although the firm has been suc-
cessful in this mission o the extent that
it handled some 175,000 clients and did
$42 million ofbusiness last year, earning
most out from divorcing spouses, drunk
drivers and other clients with routine
problems, its name has become a punch
line, not merely within the legal commu-
nity but for stand-up comics as well.
Born ofthe same commercial impulse
that has given us H&R Block tax advisers
from coast to coast - that is, America: Lei
a modestly competent professional handle your
modestly difficuilt problem for a modest fee
J acoby & Meyers has not attained Blocks
image of stodgy respectability and de-
pendability. One reason may be the ad-
vertisements themselves. While the
avuncular Henry Bloch can look you in
che eye, offer a common-sense tax tip and
promise that ifhe screws up, he'll pay the
penalty, the prospect ofajacoby & Mey.
ers smoothy accompanying you through
a divorce or arraignment is likely to in-
duce cringing.
Of course, another reason Jacoby &
Meyers hasn't quite attained legitimacy
hen it comes to flirting, Meyers,
who is married, is a hands-on
practitioner "Very touchie-feelie,"
says one ex-employee
inside the legal community has to do
with the fact that neither of the firms
owners has practiced law in years and
they conduct themselves in a manner
reminiscent of a wacky Fox Network sit-
corn . When Len and Steve open up their own
lawfirm . . . watch the bighjinks begin!
MeetSteve. . . From his office injacoby
. "Jacoby N. Meyers" had become the name
& Meyerss East Coast headquarters in
midtown Manhattan, Steve Meyers over-
sees financial strategy, at least when hes
not regaling female employees with a
libidinal playfulness that belies his appear-
ance, which is that ofa paunchy, middle-
aged accountant. According to these worn-
en, when it comes to flirting, Meyers, who
is married, is a hands-on practitioner. "Very
touchie-feelie. His hands tend to stray says
one ex-ernployee. "Not that I want him
touching me at a11' she adds. The parcic-
ular method with which Meyers tries to en-
dear himself to his female employees
depends upon their statusa higher-up
inightget asked out for after-work drinks,
while a mere secretary merits having her
neck rubbed.
Meyers's passion for women is equaled
by his need for chewinggurn. "He used to
be a three-ashtray-a-day smoker, but now
he chews golf-ball-size pieces ofgum ¡n-
stead' says one employee. "As the day
progresses, the wad gets bigger and big-
ger until he can barely close his mouth'
In fact, Meyers's chomping became so
aggressive in the fall of 1988 that he actu-
ally dislocated his jaw and had to take
time off from work co recuperate.
But he isn't so compulsive that he can't
stop chewing occasionally. Once, while
dining at Le Cirque, Meyers, with all the
grace of a four-year-old, took the gum
from his mouth and - ibwunk - plopped
the well-masticated wad onto his Li-
mogesware bread plate. Later after
mopping up the last ofhis Mornay sauce,
he popped the gum back into his mouth
and resumed chewing.
You'll like Len. . . . While Meyers graces
the planet with flashes ofhis Coward-like
urbanityJacoby takes care ofthe creative
end of the businessproducing and
directing the firm's ads - back in Los An-
geles. What does he do there? In the
firm's press release, Jacoby describes a
typical day: "Show biz can be a heady
experience. But don't let it fool you. Be-
hind the bright lights and Hollywood
parties lies a down-and-dirty, roll-up-
your-sleeves, burn-the-midnight-oil kind
of life. Up at the crack of dawn; lights,
camera, action. Another day, another
shoot. Rewrite, makeup, do lunch, take a
meeting, take 2, take 20, it's a wrap' On
with the show, this is it!
Like Meyers, Jacoby cares about the
firm's image. Recently he heard that
of a character in a porno movie, Candyc
Little Sisier Sugar. "Get me that sex video!"
he screamed to his publicist in New York
from his car phone somewhere on a Los
Angeles freeway. The publicist, whose ex-
perience included running Mr. Potato
PHOTO CREDITS
Page 2: Ron Galello, Lid. (Martin); Frederic
Lewis hangar); AP/Wide World Photos (Trump);
Haske I courtesy of Nikki Hoskell.
Page 7: Cu'ver Pictures (woman); Frederic
Lewis (down, hand, man); Smeal/Ron Golella,
Ltd. (Madonna).
Page 8: AlIen Olivo/London Features Intl.
(tombstone).
Page 10: Gigi Benson (Benson); Slick Lawson
(BIouni(.
Page 20: Ewing Galloway (Naked City bond);
Ron Galello, Ltd. (Kravis); Diana Walker!
Gamma Liaison (Noonan); «XBS Records (Joel).
Page 21 : AP/Wide World Photos (Bronx).
Page 22: AP/Wide World Photos (Gehn9).
Page 24: H. Armstrong Roberts babies); Sara
Barrett (Monheit).
Page 26: UPI/Bettmonn Newsphotos (Milken);
Ron Galella, Ltd. (Gabor); AP/Wide World
Photos Gorbachev).
Page 8: Photofest (Fell); AP/Wide World
Photos (Maples); Ralph Dominguez/Globe
Photos (Hall, Depp); Carol Halebian/Gammo
Liaison (Ritter); David Koppel/London Features
Intl. (Soto); Donna Zwieg/Gomma Liaison
(Stevens).
Page 30: Bob Evans/LGI (Smith); ©Wolt
Disney Produclïonis from the Museum of Modern
Art/Film Stills Archive (Donald Duck).
Page 33: H. Armstrong Roberts (pen).
Page 36: Smeal/Ron Golello, Ltd. (Ovitz); Ron
GoblIn, Ltd. (Brown).
Page 42: Courtesy of The New York Times.
Page 44: Diego Goldberg/Sygma (McEnroe);
©A.M.P.A.S.® (Kirkland, Weaver) shot by Bill
Steele.
Page 45: Albert Ferreïra/DMI (Young).
Page 46: Richard Pasley/LGI Little Richard);
John Roca/LGI (Cher); Ron Galella, Ltd.
(Kennedy).
Page 47: David Lee (Lee); AP/Wide World
Photos (Bokker).
Page 50: Ron Galello, Ltd. (top and bottom
Trumps); Ted Thai/Sygma (middle Trump).
Page 52: NY Daily News Photo (Smith); Randy
Bocen/Ron Galello, Ltd. )lvana Trump); Globe
Photos (Hernandez ; Anthony Savignano/Ron
Galella, Ltd. (Dona d Trump); Ron Golello, Ltd.
)Taj Mahal).
Page 53: AP/Wide World Photos (yards);
Michael Baytoff/Block Star (Trump).
Page 54: ©New York Posi (Suzy).
Page 55: Ron Galella, Ltd. (Trump); AP/Wide
World Photos (Kempton).
Page 56: Marina Gamier (Sterns); John
Chiasson/Gamma Liaison (top Trump); Ron
Galella, Ltd. (bottom Trump head, couple's
bodies); Randy Bauer/Ron Galella, Ltd.
(Maples); UPI/Bettmann Newsphotos (Morito);
AP/Wide World Photos (bottom Trump body).
Page 57: Ron Golella, Ltd. Donald Trump
head); Randy Bauer/Ran Ga ella, Ltd. (Ivano
Trump head); Smeal/Ron Galella, Ltd. (bodies).
Page 62: Culver Pictures (heart, hand).
Page 63: Bettmorrn Archive (head); Culver
Pïctures (skull).
Page 65: Nikki Haskell's hair and makeup by
Hiro and Greco For La Coupe.
Page 66: Marina Gamier (Guest); all others
courtesy of Nikki Haskell.
Page 67: Marina Gornier (Hemingway,
Blame, Grubman); Patrick McMullen (Forbes,
Hay); Andrew Galindo/London Features Intl.
(Neiman); Andrew Galindo (Von Furstenberg);
Trump courtesy oí Nikki Haskel).
Page 68: Marino Gamier (right Guest, both
Hays); Ron Galella, Ltd. (left Guest); Stephen P.
Allen/Gamma Liaison (left Lull); Albert
Ferreira/DMI (right Luft); Patrick McMullan
( Heatherton); Loura Luongo/Peter C. Borsari
(Carr); Allen courtesy of Nikki Hoskell.
Page 78-79: Patrick McMullen (Hernondez,
Dem, Brenner); Randy Bouer/Ron Galella, Ltd.
(Trump siblings); KellyJordan/Ron Gabun, Ltd.
(Dr. Ruth, Cassini); Rose Hartmon (Coleman);
Ron Golella, Ltd. (Robert Trump, Perelmon).
AUGUST 1990 SPY 75
Head for mayor ofBolse, tracked down a
copy of the film. Was Jacoby concerned
that Candy's Little Sister, Sugar might offer
a negative portrayal of the firm? Was
Jacoby considering filing suit against the
producers? No, says one associate. "Len
just wanted to watch ir. He was thrilled.'
J acoby flew into New York, whereupon
he, Meyers and comparatively invisible
partner Gail Koff cleared time from
a busy round of meetings in order to
anxiously screen the video. Both Jacoby
and Meyers later ordered personal keep-
sake copies.
Meet their little worn - oops' - their in-
visible partner Gail. . . . Although Meyers
andJacoby like to think ofthemselves as
facing life with, as one source puts it, a
jerry Rubinesque attitude"a vague
statement that in practice means partner
Gail Koff can nurse her baby at board
meetings - their progressivism does not
extend to putting her name on the shin-
gle. (To be fair, Jacoby did once suggest
using an amalgam of the three partners'
names Jack-Me-Off and Associates -
but he was voted down.)
Koff is a rumpled woman who wears
her grey hair in long, Earth Motherly
T-SHIRT.
THE
ONLY IN BLACK. ONLY WITH YELLOW LOGO.
ONLY IN 100% COTTON. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
ADO*I$S:
CITY:
STATT zIp
QUANTITY: OLD H-1) - S _ M _ L _ XL _ TOTAL INOSCD: S
offc UMZTIDTO U.S. ANDCANADA. CAHAO4AN MSIOINTSPUASI PAY U.S. StS.G0000NLYWHILI
SUPPLY lASTS. PLLASI ALLOW 4-4 WUKS FOft D(LIYI*
76 SPY AUGUST 1990
fashion. This has not kept her from func-
tioning as the firm's spokesperson and
appearing occasionally on the morning
shows to discuss her book Love and the
Law or her experience as a working mom
in a commuter marriage. But what Koff
really likes to talk about is her cherished
prenuptial agreementexcept, that is,
for the part that describes their sexual
relationship.
Another ofKofTs duties is to cohost a
radio show with Meyers on WFAS in
suburban Westchester County. On one
memorable broadcast about legal aspects
of rape, they discussed sodomy. The two
attorneys found this topic infinitely
amusing and nattered on about the
term's literal definition. "They were like a
couple of teenagers looking at dirty pic-
tures' says a colleague. "They were almost
thrown offthe air:' After the show an an-
gry program director gave the two a stern
lecture and warned them to shape up.
Still, that warning has not pressured
Meyers and Koffinto preparing carefully
for the program. Kofftold the not ex-
actly reassured program director, "We'll
just wing it" a phrase that Henry Bloch
is unlikely to have uttered in his life.
OR CREDiT CARDS
ACCEPTED) FOR $12
(iNCLUDES POSTAGE AND
HANDLING: NY STATE
RESiDENTS ADD 8.25c
SALES TAX). SPECIFY
QUANTI1% DETACH
COUPON AND MAIL TO:
SPY T-shirts
P_o. Box 295
Fod.rolsburg, MD 21632
II
Li
Are we aware of everything
we','c biting into?
BY RONT JR.
"Animal-rights people may be going too
far' George Bush said recently. "One pro-
tester down in Beeville [Texas) when we
went quail hunting last
THE UN.
year had bright-orange
BRITISH
CROSSWORD hair. Shedroveup inabig
PUZZLE Mercedes with leather
sea ts'
Well, I don't know what Bush drove up
in (though I'll bet that woman knows
what he can do with himselfand it), but
he must know that some hunters evidently
feel entitled to shoot anything that isn't
bright orange, so the only alternative to
bright-orange hair around hunters is
bright-orange clothing, which would
have made even Natty Bumppo look like
a dufus. and won't wash out.
All of which leaves a great deal to be
said about just what animals are entitled
to-
Recently I spoke with an animal-rights
activist in Paducah, Kentucky, who cited
a remark by Paul McCartney to the
effect that he, McCartney, would never
eat anything that ever had a face as one
that has radicalized many people on this
issue. Certainly that remark gives us
something to think about while stuffing
our own faces with, say, hamburgers.
It is my own feelingand i believe
anyone who has spent as much as a day
or two around cattle will agreethat of
all the faces in creation, a cow's is one of
the least aspiring-looking or even register-
ing-looking faces you're ever likely to try
to elicit any signs of attentiveness from,
 ACROSS 27. Bivalves chew up
(I dont have space here
to explore the whole mat- Roy and Tess. (7)
ter of bovine flatulence, 1. Old VW that
which adds a consider-
able amount of green-
ho u s e - e ife c t - i n d u c i n g
UI...... won't go has spot on
the windshield. (4,3)
DOWN

U..... iII
methane to the air but
may well provide a cow .. U.. .
5. I-lead grows on
palm. (7)
1. Flip lid over
Emma? Tough
with a great deal of its
pleasure in life.) But then
people like me, whdve
..i...
II...... IU,
9. Dance of limb and
lap - it soothes
choice. (7)
2. Wire service,

spent as much as a day or

(wo around cattleespe- . .. 1
chaps. (3,4)
lo. A line of talk and
while awaiting,
adding on. (9)
cially what are known
tendentiously as 'beef
cattle"are likely to be
........
i...... .....0
a short laugh for a
Native American
3. Underwear,
Virginia, for tribute

biased.
I have two other biases,
myself. One is that I was
........
i...... i......
tribe. (7)
11. Overfamiliar
tigers. or just a guy
to diva? (5)
4. Ploy gets leg
chomped. (6)
raised by a mother who downing 27? (3-6,6) 5. Horses or people
felt sorry for everything ("Oh, look at that One flicked a bit of chicken guts on me 12. With 14, Marxist with cards? (8)
little rock over there, all by itself"). Not as we passed, and i could see her point. of bestial 6. United fossil-fuel
production
only does my family bristle at the idea lt's an evasive and highly unoriginal
snacks. (6,8) energy? Decembers
ofhurting domestic animals, we feel bad criticism ofthe animal-rights movement
about leaving off petting them before that there are still plenty of more press- 17. Toss dog-do coming up. (9)

they're wholly satisfied. You could pet ing human-rights issues, hut it's worth der well-meaning 7. Approaches
any animal I've ever lived with (chickens mentioning that Southern Exposure won a type. (2-6) northern listeners. (5)
asideand even they had names) until 1990 National Magazine Award for a 18. The one who 8. Its oats, somehow,
the cows came home, and it would still story by Barbara Goldoftas on broiler-
went to the market, for these believers. (7)
look put out when you stopped - even if, chicken-industry employees. "Job titles:'
in the case ola cat I could mention, you she wrote, "sound borrowed from Doctor or the oe who had 13. Seductively loose
stopped because the animal had bit you. Seuss: gut drawers, liver pullers, gizzard roast beef, or the one morals? You? (9)

cutters, skin rollers, thigh-bone poppers, who went wee-wee- 15. Crazy ex-P.l.
lung gunners. . . . Some say they repeat wee. ..or, let's face it, loves dynamite,
their tasks as often as 90 times a minute,
Porky. (3,3) for instance. (9)
40,000 times a day:'
Goldoftas says about half the brand- 21. What the 16. Drunkenly, Red
name chickens we buy are contaminated president's mom & me overeat
with salmonella, because of the pace at saidhut he prefers venison. (4,4)
which the disassemblers, paid around that pigs die to sate 17. Sort of
$5.35 an hour, must operate. Perhaps
this is one more reason not to eat meat. his appetite. (3,4,8) études about
However, people presumably take chick. 24. "When a top-grade Oriental?
en-processing jobs because no better laddie meets Precisely. (3,4)
ones are available. I'd rather be a person _______:' (1,6) 19. Those who profit
who told these workers, "We're im prov- Lionlike
25. from dives. (7)
My other bias is that I, like every ing the chicken handlers' lot:' than one
Durocher leads 20. Brother goes
animal l've ever lived with except my who told them, "We're eliminating iC
former horse 011ie, like meat. Don't eat At any rate, there is more than one baseball team. (7) around sick with pot
as much as I used to, but out of consid- face involved in every animal we eat. So 26. The hen just scrubber. (6)
eration for my insides, not for animals' far I am willing to eat them anyway. squawks when shes 22. Without wide
faces. (Most chickens and cows are alive only
trying to pray. receiver, in the
Once, I toured a chicken-processing because they are eventually to be eaten.)
But it hasn't been long since most chick- It/Would give us direction of
plant. Since i started at the end and went
backward, it appeared to be a chicken- ens were free-range, and each was an in- pause if she reptiles. (5)
assembly plant. I tried to give sufficient dividual problem to dispatch, and presi- knew how 23. Trims digestive
weight co the plight of the chickens, but dents fttced up to larger matters than ________. (2,3,2) organs of fowl. (5)
what struck me more forcefully was the protesters' styles and their own right to
plight oltbe people working on the line. shoot birds and not eat broccoli. A niwers appwr O?! PÓ,g 74.

AUGU 1990 SPY 77

 At Rick Newmans
New York, success-
At the White House Correspondents' dinner, Time magazine guest and Trump toy Maria Maples ful comedian David
demonstrates her extraordinary range ofemotion in conversation with datejack McDonaid, a Brenner apparently
Washington Post photographer, and her business manager.
tries to convince a
skeptical blond that
not-all-that-successftil
Having handed his iuggage offto an incon- comedian Richard
spicuous blond decoy, and wearing dark Belzer really is a nice
glasses a nd reasonably presentable clothes guy and that she real-
as a disguise, New York Poit editor Jerry iy should consider go-
Nachman manages to check in at the ing out with him.
Washington Hilton without being mobbed
as he prepares to attend the Correspon-
dents' dinner. Later that evening, Nachman
faces the crowds sans shades and enjoys the
adulation of many important American
policymakers, among them Guardian An-
gels Curtis and Lisa Sliwa.

HOÌBLOODED Keith Hernandez at Red Zone, the moment before his eyes started spinning in their sockets

LOVE HANDLES A new haut monde greeting ritual? A one-handed

SYLVIA MILES OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY?
At a movie premiere, actress-survivor-lalapalooza
Sally Kirkland baffles onlookers and photographers
with her full-length, live-action mug shot.
Heimlich? A polite way to tell someone he's as wise as Buddha?
Reall really safe sex? Prominent New Yorkers have been observed
lately holding other people's belliespeople such as muitime-
dia self-help adviser Nancy Friday (with her husband, Wall Street
J ournalmanaging editor Norman Pearlstine) and working wife
Carolyne Roehm (with socialite war criminal Henry Kissinger).
Ofcourse, as with all up-to-the-minute phenomena, leave it to Liz
Smith to get it wrong and hold her own belly.

78 SPY AUGUST 1990

 .

Perhaps Imelda Marcos got the idea

tè:: from her codefendant Adnan Khashog-
gi, the alleged cover-up man and fake
-
.-._- . regular guy who rides to the courthouse
on the Lexington Avenue IRT, or maybe
it's just the endurance, through thick
and thin, of her seventies-disco-queen
- sensibilitybut the Filipino exdragon
dy, along with her Village Peoplestyle attorney, Gerry Spence, likes
be dropped off at court in a wicked-cool black van.

-k
\'T:,4 !
/1;

THEIR BROTHERS'
Iand smoke poured from his ears. KEEPERS At a Random
House book party at the
Metropolitan Club, An-
PUBLICITY DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION l)espite
glophile publishing ty-
coon S. I. NewhouseJr. Its inarguablc public-relations value, kissing for
the camera is a risky proposition; it's difficult
endures the pesky chit-
chat of his to do without looking disfigured (see 1, sex
munchkin Dr. Ruth) or apelike (see 2. faux-
unglamor-
Kennedy Arnold Schwarzenegger aiming his
mouth at Neil Sedaka look-alike Ronald Pere!-
:' er Donald.
man). But it's tricky not just for the kisser; the
reluctant kissee must try to remain composed,

T- -"
51U
casino, Trump siblings
staring cordially at the camera as ifclamrny lips
were not pressingagainst his or her head (see 3,
virtuous grande dame Kitty Carlisle Hart with
Liz Smith Tote Board regular Cy Coleman, and
Robert andJudge Mary-
. 4, rerro-chic-swimwear designer Oleg Cassini
.
-
anneTrumpsilentlyput with former Rat Pack mol! Pat Kennedy Law-
up with che trademark
ford). Avoid at al! costs, though. the impulse co
"Who invited them?"
_____ jokesmanship of their keep smiling while being kissed (see 5. Ca-
I

Ir f brother Donald. rolyne Roehm with real designer Oscar de la

Rena, and 6, Laura Dem with a sharp-toothed
fan), which can result in the need for expensive
and painful dental work. And whatever you do,
no matter how repugnant the public kiss, do not

j1á attempt to vipe it off while photographers are

present (see 7, Robert Trump, evidently reeling
from a brotherly smooch).

AUGUST 1991) SPY 79

Adams, Cindy. ¿'. Dunn., John Gregory, 63 -I-I-I : McCorttny, Ccrlk, 32 Rose, Pete. .

Iv
) L

Agossi, Andre. Durocher, Leo, 44. 77 McCorthy, Eugene, 46 Rostenkowski, Dan, '2 , 26
Ais Thin9 Considered. V) Dyktro, Lenny, 22 McCartney, Roui Rub,,,, Jerry.
AIIon, Peter, () Dylan, Bob, 46 not eai*n food chat had a mcc, 76 Rubpnstoin, Howard J., (
Allende, SoIodor, 45 Eostwood, 30 McDonold, Erroll Sawyer, Diane, '2)
A . Ebert, Roger. 70 LI.,rtrl:t', lori Evans, 34 Scanlon, John P., ')6
Arclot, Yasir, 38 Eitenber9, Le., 60.71 McGinnlss, Joe Schreiber, La Anne, 2M
Art in America. I 2 Ellison, Ralph. 13 u.sconishin8 chutzpah o(. 20 Sciswarz.negger, Arnold,
Astor. Brook. 37 Esquire. 47. 60-63 Mclncrney, Joy, 47 Sedoka, Neil, 66
Bake,, JD,nes .'J.psrodyingJtine issue of, 71 Mehls, Sorny, 21 Seuts, Dr., T'

eIudin punch. 72 Esaterhos, Joe, 7 Mermon, Ethel, I Shorpton, Rev. Al, 8

Bokker. Tommy 4( Evoins, Harry. 3(') Metropolitan Muteunn 01 ArI, I 2, 24 Shown, Wllli0m, 21
Boehart, Rchcrd, 3() Evens, ioni, 34 Moyen, Stay., 7-i- . 5 Shearton Lehman, S
8atmon, , 72 Exxon Valdez, 21 guni-chcwing tfllUnY of. 75 Simon 8. Schuster, 34
SSC, .. Eyewitness News, 24 MGM, l Simpson, Don, 37,40
Bc3?Ie, thc 46 Fob,Ìce, X Milker, Michael, 28. '-1 SIMa, Curtis and Uso, 78
Beøtty, Warren, 3() Felk*r, Clay Milton, 60, 71 Smith, Liz, i 3, 30, 38, 46, 70, 78-79
Bergen, Edqor, 32 mercurial ino1ierene ol 52 Mirabelle,, í4 Snerd, Mortlnier, 32
Bicrce, Ambrose, 1 Fisher, Carrie, 0 Mirobella, Grace, 21 Soamet, Emmo, 21
Dijon, ( Filr,atcr, Marlin, 14
Block, Manoort. StQne & Kelly, 72-73 Flonders, Annie, 21
4tJ Monroe, Marilyn, '.
Morito, Aldo, s6
Sonstog, Susan, 62
Soto, Tolita, 26

Bloch, Henry. Fcwbes mogoxini.. 50 Mosboclier, Robert, X Stollone, Sylvester, 30

erum, David. Forbes, Malcolm, 66 James, Caryn Moynihon, Doniel Patrick, :1 Steinberg, David, 0
Bocky, lyon curiously eftusive letter w La Toya bitter at havin8 not seen Mel Murdoch, Rupert, Stelnb.rg, Goyfryd, 37, 71
I
ina! laundry arr1nnwrIts of. 8 lakson. 20-21 Gibson's bure behind, 71 Museum of Contemporary Art, S Steinbrenrer, George, 22, 46
Bonet, Liso. 21 Ford, Harrison, 30 Jomes, Rick, (',6 Museum at the City of New York, 2 1 Stern, Leonard,
'
8onre of the VonitL, 21 Foestonane, Ted Jonklow, Angelo, 37 Hachmarn, Jerry, . 'M Stewort, Martha, 21
Bono, disingenuous 1.130 protests of, 16 jacklow, Morto 37 NASA, M Stewart, Rod, 6I
Uork. Robert, I. Frankel, Moi 30. 42 Jennings, Peter, 16 Notion, 61 Sting, 6 1
ßrondø. Morion, 24, 36. 44. 47 Friday, Nancy, 78 Joel, Billy, 20 National Magazine Awards, I-. I . Strawberry. Darryl, 7, 22
Brandt, Anthony Gebor, Zio Zso, 28 Johnson, Bonio, S Navasky, Victor, (l Sulzberg.r, Pinch
rin:nhLc lx,wd ij, 62 Gorvey, Steve, 22 Johnson, Beverly, (,1. Hcw York, 61, ()StUI)t',IR,US frugality of. 42
Brcnson, Micho,I, 12 GeHen, DoM, 37 Johnson, Lyndon Bojes, (2 Hew York Post, (>-4, 78 Taylor, Elizabeth, 21
S,e. G.org.. 47 Gelb, Arthar Johnson, Philip, 37 Hew York Review of 800, 4) Texas Monthly, 60
Brilisteirn, Bernie 8 .' ,':n expert on Central America. 28 Jonc,, Baird, (il P4ew York Thiies, The, 12, 16, 30, 34. Thalberg, Iming, 36, 38
Brinkley Cinraftie, 20 Cere, Richard, i 1 Koel, Pculïnc, 17 42. t. 61,70-71 Thatcher, Margaret, 47
Rrody, Jon 31) Gibson, Mel, 24. 71 Keotir,g, Charlex. i' New York TImes Mogozh,., The, 38, Thlcu, Nguyen Van, 46
Brown, TIno, 21.30 Gingrich, Newt, 47 Kennpton, Murrny, 55 60. (2, 71 This Old House, 24
.i'.rnrg correspondence of. 36-38 Glenn, John, X Kennedy. Joe, i I New York UnIversIty, 42 Tlltorn, Clnorlene, 68
Broyord Anatols. 62 Glirecher. Arnie, 37 Kennedy, Ted, I 8, 20,47 New Yo4cer, The, I Tim., s8,42,78
Broyles. William Jr., 60 Godord. ieon.Luc, 21 Khoshoggi, Adnon, 79 Newhouse, Donald, ".1 'flmes, The (London), 36
Bruckhelme,, Jerry Goldbergcr, Paul, 47 Kimmclrnon, Michael, 12. 70 Newhouse, S. I. Jr., .31 , 5.1, 7) Tisch, Lorry. Si
usán ,icon to pick up chicks. 40 Goldblure, Jsff Kinski, Klaus Newsweek, i 2 7bday, *2
Bryant, N.lson n rinsiat on of. I S I 61 yuu ., i vIILOUfltetS ol; 34 Newton, Wrjyne, S Tower, John G.
Inx) Ia: I .11 n Inc sip ut his finger. 61 Golub, Richord, 16 Kirklond, Sally, 14-45, 78 Nixon, Richard, 32, 44. 46-47 as Grand Pooh-Bah of Kappe
Buchonon, Edno, 2t3 Good Mining America. 2 Kissinger, Henry, 37, 78 Noonan, Pe9gy Sigma. 12
Rucho,non, Tom. 45 Gorbachev, Mikhoil, X. 2X Klein, Colvin, 37 loyalty olquentioned by FBI. 2(1 Tacere, Robert, 40
Binh, Borboro 30 Gore, Al, , Kluge, Patricio, 13.21 Norwich, WIllilom, 10 Trump, Donold, 30, 38. 45, 47. 50-57
Bush, Georg., I?. 19-21.72.74.76 Gottlib, Robrt, 2 I 'x'arly killed in a Ringe Rover. : O'Connor. Sandro Dey, 14 Trump, Fred, '61)
Cole, JohnS .' I Goulet, Robeyt, S Koch, Ed, OMalIey. Wolter, 47 Trump, vana, I 3, 30. 30. 52, 54. 57,
Conby, VLnc5nt, 30 Graf, Steffi, 24 Kohlbcrg Krank Roberts, 16 Oldmon, Gory, 2 (-6X
Corg Robert, 30 Grant, Cory. 44 Kornbluth, Jesse, Optiuchc Fenomerven, I I . 17 Trump, Judge Moryanne, 79
Ccrter Jimmy. 47 Grooms, Red, 24 Kovitsky, Judge Myron Ornsteiti, Norman, 11, 13 Trump, Robert, 79
Cossini, Okg. .9 Guben, Peter, I is u bluck man, 21 0»iti, Mike, 36-38 Trump: The A.,? of (h. Deal, 47
Castro, FdeI, 30 Guest, Cornelio, 66, 68 Kragen, Ken, I I PonAnn, 11.66 Turkel, Attn (>cT
Cheney, Dick, 14.22 Hall, Doryl, 4) Kramer, Mimi, 71 Pc-crIstino, Nornian, 78 Turow, Scan,
Che, Hall, Monty, 26 Kravis, Henry, 20 People, 2 UCLA. 74
.: ncin Iii« . Serious 3dEC55. 46 Hornill, Pete, 47, 71 Krory Glue, 65 Perelrnon, Ronald, Updlke, John
Chlcog aldermen Ha,per'c, f,2 Kristof, Nicholas, 30 Peters, Jon, psoriasis of, (to
demanding trcdmil1s and Hort, Kitty Carll,lc, 79 KY, Nguyen Coo, 46 Phoenix House, 4M USAir, 7
c'anuonirv bicycics. 8 Hoskill, Nikki, 6 t-68 Loge-feld, Karl Playboy, 71 VanGogh,Vtncert, 6. '1"
Christgou, Robert. 47 reCJvini5 nnjc'cTion,s of pregn re6.li. ndorof. 7 Porky Pig, 74 Vanity Fair, '2*-6H
Clote, Glenn, -5 womens urine. 66 Laphom, Lewis, 30 Premiere, 38 Village Voice, The, I 2. 4-T'
Colocello, Bob, 37 sd1in pills tn Ea Gabor. 66 Lassie, Presley, FIvIs, 30 Vintage Bookn, i-)
Collins. Jackie, 68 Houer, Rutgee, 30 Lowfo,d, Pot Kennedy, ') PrIce, Judy, I Vogel, Speed, : I
Columbia Pictunei, 37 Hovohrt woodchuck trap, 74 le Carré, John, 37 Princes; Diano, 7 non Furstenberg, Princc Egon, (1':
Cony. tert, Hovel, Voclac, '-í Le Cirque, 67-68, 7) Puttnani, DeM, 37 Wagner, Robert, (,6
Cosmopolifenn, Hoy, R. Couri, 67-68 Lee, Spike. 44,47 Quayl,, Dan, 47. 63. 74 wail Street Journal, The, -16 . 'X
Coyenont House. I on relutivt' calories ¿champagnes. 66 Lelboviti, Annie, 36 Queen Mary, 8 Wolloce, Mike, 37
Cranston. Alon, X Hayes, Woody, 45 Levinson, Barry, 37 y and the Mytteriont, 46 Wrer Bros., 21
Creotiyc Aeists Agency. 36 Heatherton, Jo.n, 66. 68 Lewis, Jerry, t Random House, 3-l. 79 Woshington, Denrel, .1
Cruise. Torn, Heller, Joseph, 61-62 Lincoln Savings and Loon, S Reagan, Nancy, 47 Woshingon Post, The, 1*. 7M

D'A.moto, Alfons., 24. 47 Helms, Jest., 72 UtIle Richard, -16 Reogon, Ronold, 20. 74 Wasserman, Low, .11'
'
Doily Hee's, I . 't) Hclnnsley, Harry and Leona, Luft, Lomo, (,Ú. 68 Redgrove, Vanessa, 47 Wayne, John, 1): 2
Davis, Sornnny Jr., 8. 70 Henderson, Rickey, 22 Lumet, Sidney, 37 Reon, Donald, 47 Weave,, Sigourney, -:-,
bcTys of Thunder Hen5on, Jim. MacDonald, Jef4rey, 20 Rich, Frank, i Weber, Bruce, i :'
(I-01 .) L)IX c,;çeç of. Hepburn, Katharine, (J MacDowell, Malcolm, (X Richard 10, 2 .. . ., 5 Wenders, Wirr.,
de Ici Renta, Oscar. 79 Hcritoge Fouridotlon, 72 Madonna Rlchord',on, Elliot, 47 Westheim-er, Dr. Ruth, '9
oepp, Johnny. 26 Hcrmon, Pe-e.ceee, 7 unruly breasts of, 8 RIchmond, Fred, 14 Wlll, Georte, 28
Dent, Lauro. Hernander, Keith, 52, 78 Mailer, Norman, 44 RItter, Father Bruce, 11-12, 26 WillIs, Bruce, 21
Dick Trac-y. X Hershey, Barbaro, 21 Malle, LouIs, 7 Rltts, Hcrb, (, Winlield, David, 21
Dirikin, DtnLd. ' Hitchcock, Alfred, 21 Man Roy, 37 RlniuI, Phil Wlrfrey, Oprob, 36
Discore,, 24 Hitler, Adolph, 30 Monson, Charlie, 7 nd clang association. 22 Wlntour, Arno, 21
Dole, 8ob. 46 Houston Chron4cl., The, 42 Maples, Marlo, 26. 50. 56 RJR Nabisco, 46 Wolfe, Tom, 2 1 62
'
Dowd, Maureen, 30. 42 Howell, Chaunc.y, 24 emotional runge of, 78 Robertn, Cable, 16 Yankees, . 46-47
Downey. Robert Jr., 24 Jockson, Jesse, l7 Marcos, Imelda, 79 Robertxon, Nan, 62-63 Yosemite Sam, '15
Drexel Burnbarn Lmbert, 66 Jackson, Lo Toyo, 20-21 MorgeIlcIt, David, 30 Roehm, Corolyrte, 20,71.78-79 Young, Sean, i5
Dukakis, MichI. 17 Jockson, Reggie, 16 Martin, BIlly, 22, 46 Rolling Stone, 611 Youngman, Henny, 70
Duke, Doris, 5l Jocoby, Len, 74-76 Mason, C. Vernon, 8, 56 Rolling Stones, the, 14 Zodoro, Pio, 6-

MT: 555' AUGUST 1990

 Welcome to Arrowwood, in Westchester. A stunning blend of management meeting
center and luxury resort.
We're all business when it's time for business. With conference facilities for5to 500,
multi-media AV, and an amphitheatre that could double for theater-in-the-round.
Yet we're all pleasure when it's time for that: golf course, indoor/outdoor pools and
tennis, a la carte restaurants, after-hours entertainment.
And we're just 45 minutes or less from New York's three airports and midtown
Manhattan itself.
Come look at Arrowwood soon. Or call Kristin Garbarini at (914) 939-5500.
Arrowwood. Because we add so much to your
meeting, you'll take away much more. rrO1VGcJ
A L)ORAL I'ROPLRTY
Anderson Hill Road, Rye Brook, New York 10573