Why I Hate People (But Secretly Love them)

JUNE 22, 2011 BY TOM MATLACK 17 COMMENTS

Is it safe to come out of the cave?

I often find myself in rooms full of a veritable sea of people these days. My wife is a very active philanthropist who works on issues for places such as the Perkins School for the Blind and Massachusetts General Hospital for Children. What this means for me is small talk, not my native tongue. We also have a constantly growing group of adult friends with whom we go to concerts, dinner, and even trips. These more intimate gatherings require small talk on steroids. As a way to deflect my own social anxiety I developed a party trick. I announce to a table of perfectly kind human beings, I really dont like people. It always gets a laugh, in part because I like to whip it out at a moment

of laughter when we all are having a lot more fun than the statement seemed to indicate. I also think it touched the universal nerve that socializing, particularly for guys, can be taxing to our lizard brains. Wed be just as happy to crawl back into our caves with a remote and a beer. But then it occurred to me, with a little help from my lovely spouse, that my joke was neither funny nor true. I love people. In fact, I crave human connection. They just scare the shit out of me. And always have. On personality tests I always come up an introvertand a nasty one at that. My horoscope sign is Sagittarius, the archer who is half-man and half-horse. Us Sags are known to be tactless and restless despite our freedom-loving

good humor. On the Myers-Briggs, which looks at four key attributes, I am an IntrovertedIntuitive-Thinking-Judging, or an INTJ, type. I think that means I have refined the art of retreating to my study to read a book and take a nap into an exquisite art form. In terms of the enneagram, which breaks people down into nine types, I am a four, otherwise known as the individualist or the tragic romantic. Other fours, according to the enneagram website, are Prince, Thomas Merton, and J.D. Salingerall men of great artistic ability (unlike me) who looked for deeper meaning in a solitary manner, sometimes fanatically so. Ive never been much of a joiner. I went to public high school in Western

Massachusetts and like to say that I only heard about my prom in the weight room after it was over. That is stretching the truth, but the reality is that going to my prom, or on a real date, was well outside my social ability. I went to a few high school parties, but it was the rough equivalent of passing gallstones. Some people are born blind, I figured, I was just born hating people, or at least feeling profoundly uncomfortable in their presence. In high school and college, I used swimming, marathon running, and rowingthe sports that required minimal skill and maximum painto cope. If I couldnt talk to you at a party, I was going to beat your head in on the roads or on the river. Take that, you MFer, was my thought. I also learned to drink to excess. The

beauty of being drunk is that hatred, or fear, of people disappears as the anesthesia takes hold. You can do whatever you want in any situation because, mentally, youre no longer there. Youre somewhere in the heavens, watching this drunken fool talk to girls, dance like a crazy person, and break stuff just for fun. After college, I took my athletic mindset no skill other than inflicting maximum pain on the opposite teamto the business world, and it paid off financially. My only problem was I was still the same miserable SOB. Just to give you some perspective, I recently went back to my 25th college reunion. I realized I have been fighting these demons now for decades. I have three kids (17, 15, and six) and have, on

paper, a damn good life. But the I hate people mantra is something I was using as a party joke as recently as this March on vacation with our dearest friends. My joke is only funny because it is so clearly at odds with the learned behavior Ive gutted out over these last years: teaching myself to make small talk, to find that one person in a crowd who has an amazing story to share, and to laugh until it hurts with guests at even the most mundane event. Over time, Ive come to see that while I might complain about coming out of the darkness of my cave, the sunlight of human interaction is actually no less essential to my being than water or food. I am dying for a deeper level of human contact. Its not like I didnt want friends in high school. I just had absolutely no idea how to make them or to begin to fit

in. These days I dont drink and havent for almost 15 years. Im often around people getting intoxicated and a bit silly. I can use that as an excuse to check out too, wandering off into unfair judgment of friends who hold their liquor a lot better than I ever did. But thats really no better than the hypocrisy of my running joke. No, the person I have always hated is myself. And instead of being honest about that I just pointed my finger at you: the kids going to the prom without me, the college kids who joined the fraternity, the in crowd at the bar, even the sea of humanity I meet on a regular basis, working to cure cancer, among other things. And my fear has been that you would find out the truth about me. But I think its time for me to put that vice down with the rest of them and join

the human race. Self-hatred is every bit as much a waste of time as hatred of others. Im not perfect, but I have arms and legs and can, when I want to be, be charming according to my wife. The point, however, is that when I actually take the time to get to know these people, I find out that were not different at all. Even the most stoic guy I know has shared stories with me that brought tears to my eyes and made me feel less alone. Follow Tom Matlack Become a Fan of GMP

Yes, thats me making a fool of myself Cave Photo by Jared

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About Tom Matlack

Tom Matlack is the co-founder of The Good Men Project. He has a 17-year-old daughter and 15- and 6-year-old sons. His wife, Elena, is the love of his life. Comments

1.

Roger Durham says:

June 22, 2011 at 8:27 am 3 0

Its safe, Tom, but as an INTJ you know that the cave will always be a happy, and important, retreat. As one who always went to prom and was President of my college Fraternity and has always been part of some in crowd, I can tell you that it can be as lonely outside of the cave as it can be inside. Its not so much about proximity or belonging as it is about being comfortable in your own skin. But you know that. Reply

Tom Matlack says:

June 25, 2011 at 9:34 am Very true Roger.

Reply

2.

Peter Flick says:

June 22, 2011 at 9:36 am 0 0

Tom, Great post. I can relate on many levels and i am glad that you realize that you dont hate people you hate feeling less than. Way to let your light shine and great picture at celtics game. Hope you are well and give my best to the peeps up in boston. miss you guys down in philly. Reply

3.

Pauline says:

June 22, 2011 at 9:43 am 0 0

I found this fascinating. My first husband was/is a social animal, but for him people were pawns to manipulate and exploit, so I actually think he really doesnt like or respect people. My current husband is extremely anxious sociallybeing in groups drains him and he tends to hang out on the marginsbut he is a true humanitarian and works in a helping profession. I am someone who is quite comfortable talking to people about their new shoes, or the corian they chose for their new countertops, so Ive had a hard time understanding his aversion to small talk. Your piece gave me a lot more insight into

people who struggle with social anxiety. Reply

4.

Boysen Hodgson says:

June 22, 2011 at 10:05 am 1 0

LIKE. Thanks Tom. I had to take some big emotional risks to learn it was safe to come out of the cage, er, cave. And as someone else above pointed out its good to know that I can take breaks and retreat to the cave when I need to. I love discovering how much like others I actually am. Flaws and all. Reply

5.

Bill Gouveia says:

June 22, 2011 at 10:52 am 1 0

When we come out of a cave, it is usually just to start the walk into a different cave. Caves are homes, where we are comfortable and can function with our highest degree of efficiency. Many of us need caves the thought of operating without the cave safety net is just beyond comprehension. So come on out but leave a trail of breadcrumbs.

Reply

6.

Daddy Files says:

June 22, 2011 at 1:58 pm 0 0

Are you wearing green pants?? Go back into your cave and put on a change of clothes before you come back out! Reply

Tom Matlack says:

June 25, 2011 at 9:35 am Dude green is a great color on real men! Reply

7.

Jocelyn says:

June 22, 2011 at 5:09 pm 0 0

Amazing. I couldve written this. It reflects my thoughts exactly. Thanks for articulating. Reply

8.

Vik says:

June 22, 2011 at 5:16 pm 0 0

Great article, Tom. As a man whos overcoming his social anxiety I can relate. What Ive found to work best for me is to take baby steps. Every time I go into a social setting that is anxiety provoking, I tell myself, just try to bring 5% more of my true, authentic self to the situation. I used to have this unrealistic expectation that I should be able to be as comfortable as I am with my closest friends in a given social situation, which inevitably set me up for failure and disappointment every time. It was only when I showed myself compassion and said, Okay, Vik, youve been terrified to be yourself in this situation before, just try to give 5% more of your true self to the setting and see what happens. When I have been able to do this, Ive found that it works wonders. In the last two years, I have made tremendous strides to the point where I can now say that Im fairly comfortable engaging in small talk with strangers. Before, Id literally have to take a shot (or two) of alcohol before a social function just to feel somewhat comfortable and engage with others. Just keep chipping away at this fear little by little and it will soon evaporate. All the best! Reply

9.

David Figura says:

June 22, 2011 at 9:15 pm 0 0

Tom.. Ive been trying to reach you, on the recommendation of Amy Dickinson, about a book Ive written, entitled So, What Are the Guys Doing? which covers among other things, how I saved my marriage and overcame social loneliness after turning 50 along with interviewing nearly 100 other middle age guys on a variety of topics. Did you receive either one of my two emails? Noting the title of this column above, Id like to point out my unpublished book has been endorsed by John Gray (of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) and author/former NFL football star Tim Green. Im currently working as the outdoors editor at The Post-Standard. Please respond. Reply

10.

Error! Hyperlink reference not valid. says:

June 23, 2011 at 4:25 pm 1 0

I just appreciate your honesty Tom. It is a more common experience of men than we like to admit and at the end of the day all of the men I know that have struggled with this including myself often come to the same conclusion fear of others and some degree of selfhatred. No matter how gregarious, successful, and charismatic we may be on the outside it is amazing what undercurrent of insecurity,

shame, and self-hatred can be roiling around inside of us leaving true happiness and peace quite elusive. Peace and thanks for sharing. Reply

11.

Warren Ivey says:

June 23, 2011 at 11:00 pm 0 0

This topic (this quirk called manhood) just underscores the need for us to buffer and/or buttress our boys as they enter the cave, cause theyre gonna go in one kind or anotherin record numbers letting them know it really can be, and is only, a temporary protective mechanism from the good ol ubiquitous & universal trauma of the male socialization process. We need to sow the seeds, that germinate in time, with the happy realization that the world is a better place with them IN it, than peering at the rest of us from afar. Reply

12.

Lisa Duggan says:

June 25, 2011 at 11:29 am 0 0

Tom, this piece reminds me of a quote by William Saroyan: you may tend to get cancer from the thing that makes you want to smoke so

much, not from the smoking itself. (from Not Dying, 1963) It may be stupid hope, or hubris, that I think we can prevent similar despair in our kidsby teaching them to know identify their feelings, talk about their feelings, and how to act, or not act, on their feelings. Reply

13.

David Wise says:

June 25, 2011 at 12:03 pm 0 0

Youre way too hard on yourself, Tom. I honestly have some of your characteristics, although I dont see it in a negative light and therefore havent beaten myself up over the years. I guess I always saw myself as a unique person, very different from most people. As I got older, my belief system reinforced my self-esteem and helped me to see the positive traits within me. I have family members who regularly relive bad childhood experiences, something that I never do. A phrase I like to say is: You are not perfect, but you are perfectly you. Reply

14.

Joanne Caputo says:

June 26, 2011 at 12:16 pm 0 0

Maybe its just brain biology. Much of socializing involves speech and females have larger Wernickes and Brocas areas, areas responsible for language processing (check wikipedia: Sex Differences in Humans). Ive read that males brains may communicate better while doing something mechanical, like bouncing a ball. Is there a basketball game you can actually join? Reply

15.

Brett says:

June 26, 2011 at 5:00 pm 0 0

This is an elegant piece Tom. I can certainly sympathize with you. Ive been in sales my entire business career, but on some days I despise people. Imagine how difficult that is. However, as you so eloquently pointed out it is actually myself that I despise, not other people. Thank you for writing this. Reply