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Group Learning and Self Development Exercises Jonamay Lambert and Selma Myers
1999 by Jonamay Lambert and Selma Myers The materials that appear in this book, other than those quoted from prior sources, may be reproduced for educational/training activities. There is no requirement to obtain special permission for such uses. We do, however, ask that the following statement appear on all reproductions: Reproduced from 50 Activities for Conflict Resolution, by Jonamay Lambert and Selma Myers. Amherst, Massachusetts: HRD Press, 1999.
This permission statement is limited to reproduction of materials for educational or training events. Systematic or large-scale reproduction or distributionor inclusion of items in publications for salemay be carried out only with prior written permission from the publisher.
Published by HRD Press 22 Amherst Road Amherst, MA 01002 1-800-822-2801 (U.S. and Canada) 1-413-253-3490 (FAX) 1-413-253-3488 http://www.hrdpress.com
ISBN 0-87425-498-1 Production services by Clark Riley Cover design by Eileen Klockars Editorial Services by Robie Grant and Suzanne Bay
Table of Contents
Workshop Activities
About the Authors .......................................................................................................... v Preface.............................................................................................................................. vii Introduction .................................................................................................................... ix
Part 1
I. Exploring Conflict Defining Conflict: Where Do You Stand? .......................................................... 1 Two Responses to Conflict: Fight or Flight ...................................................... 5 How Can We Both Win? A Quick Demonstration .......................................... 7 II. Know Yourself Individual Conflict Styles: A Zoological Approach ........................................ Identifying Helpful Communication Styles ...................................................... I LoseYou Lose ................................................................................................... Approaches to Conflict: Role Play Demonstration......................................... When Conflict Creates Stress, Dont Just Stand There! .................................. Introduction to Listening: A Self Inventory...................................................... III. Understanding Conflict Tug of War or Peace.............................................................................................. Red Flags ................................................................................................................ Benefits and Barriers: Exploring Third-Party Intervention ........................... Mismatched? Are You Reading the Nonverbal Clues? .................................... Constructive or Destructive Conflict: Lessons to Be Learned ....................... IV. Values and Perceptions Gaining a Different Perspective.......................................................................... Assumptions: Who Needs Em?........................................................................... The Big Bad Wolf. Or Is It? ................................................................................. Portrait of a Peacemaker ..................................................................................... V. Resolving Conflict Situations What Kind of Question Is That?......................................................................... Brainstorming: The Case of the Stolen Account............................................... Resistance . . . Options to the Rescue! ............................................................... Listening for the Other Persons Point of View: Paraphrasing ..................... Third-Party Mediation......................................................................................... Formulating Clear Agreements ........................................................................... Curbside Conflict Resolution ..............................................................................
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11 13 15 17 23 25 31 33 35 37 41 45 47 49 53 59 61 65 69 71 77 79
II. Know Yourself The Role of Values in Conflict Resolution........................................................ 101 In the Heat of the Moment .................................................................................. 103 Which Conflict Resolution Style Is Yours? ...................................................... 105 How to Deal with Hot Buttons .......................................................................... 109 III. Understanding Conflict Resolving a Conflict through Planning............................................................. 113 Why People Avoid Dealing with Conflict Resolution.................................... 115 Four Conflict Resolution Styles: When to Use Each....................................... 117 Mediation: Test Your Knowledge ....................................................................... 121 IV. Values and Perceptions Evaluating Your Conflict Resolution Skills..................................................... 127 First Thoughts about Others: Perception IQ Quiz...................................... 129 The Ideal Peacemaker: Can You Imagine That?............................................... 133 V. Resolving Conflict Situations Uncovering the Hidden Agenda .......................................................................... 137 Your Turn: A Nonjudgmental Exercise .............................................................. 139 A Questionable Exercise ...................................................................................... 143 Direct Communication: Its Use in Conflict Resolution ................................. 149 Supportive Listening: Whats Your Score? ....................................................... 151 Skills That Make a Difference............................................................................. 153 Fact vs. Opinion.................................................................................................... 155 Escalate vs. Acknowledge: The Choice Is Yours .............................................. 157 Turning Negatives into Positives....................................................................... 159 Eight Different Points of View ........................................................................... 161
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Selma Myers
Selma Myers, M.A., a trained and experienced mediator, has been engaged in alternative dispute resolution since 1983. In addition, as an international consultant, she is president of Intercultural Development, a California company specializing in communication and intercultural training. As the co-author of ten trainers guides in the Diversity at Work trainers series, and 50 Activities for Diversity Training, she has also written additional guides and handbooks, linking the subject of Alternative Dispute Resolution to intercultural training. Ms. Myers helped found, and was director of, the American Language Institute at San Diego State University, where she administered programs for foreign students and businessmen. She has also lived and worked abroad and traveled extensively, gaining particular insights into cultures different than her own.
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Ms. Myers was a visiting lecturer in residence at the Beijing Institute of Technology; recipient of a Senior Fulbright Consulting Grant in South America; and a Summer Teaching Fellow at Harvard University. Her clients have included Fortune 500 organizations, not-for-profit, government agencies and other areas of business. Ms. Myers offers workshops in Conflict Resolution and provides mediation training for the San Diego Mediation Center and for regional and national conferences.
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Preface
Business people are becoming much more interested in understanding workplace conflict, its causes, and its impact. This book is designed to meet the needs of professionals who are expected to resolve their own personal and immediate conflicts or train others to do so. It also deals with the specific skills one needs to act as a third party in helping others resolve their conflicts. Some people believe that conflict is a necessary part of life, and that without conflict there is no growth. Others believe that the only way to handle conflict is to avoid dealing with it. Individuals participating in the workshop activities and self-study exercises offered in this book will examine their own concerns with conflict, their own individual styles, and the role conflict has played and is playing in their lives. They will also learn skills to help them become more effective in interpersonal relations at work. Ultimately they and their organizations will benefit through reduced conflict, improved communication, and a more productive work environment. Dispute resolution is often seen as a win-lose situation, or a constant series of compromises. However, conflict-resolution techniques and activities can help people understand and deal with it in a way that considers and respects individual as well as cultural differences. The increased diversity within the United States makes it even more important to know how to handle conflict. It is often difficult to recognize, however signposts and guidelines are not clear, and body language is often hard to read. More material has recently come to light about communication conflicts between men and women, but there are many instances in which peoples actions in general are being misinterpretedinstances when they are behaving in ways they believe are totally innocent. Recognizing the signs and acting sensitively can go a long way toward prevention or resolution. This book focuses on activities and self-study exercises. Some exercises point out ways to look at conflict, while others help people explore their own beliefs and values. Other exercises deal with how to understand individual conflict styles. The objective is to be able to recognize conflict, size up the situation, and keep it from becoming destructive to ongoing relationships. The activities and exercises also offer ways in which parties can recognize the kinds of language that might make things worse, as well as explore what might be done or said to make things better.
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Certain assumptions form the basis for the activities in this book: One of the goals is to help those giving and receiving messages avoid misunderstandings and be accurate in using language and communication skills. Nonjudgmental communication skills can help people who must diffuse volatile situations. In resolving conflicts, it is important to meet the interests and needs of all parties, and to work toward an agreement that is acceptable to each individual and the organization as a whole. The path to conflict resolution is not the sole responsibility of any one person, but rather of all of those involved. Acknowledging differences up front is an important step in interactions involving values and behavior in diversity issues. The more one knows about conflict styles (ones own natural styles, as well as the styles of others), the more effective the solution. Practicing good communication skills will help you resolve conflicts, as well as prevent them from escalating.
The authors assume that those who are conducting these activities or participating in them will be comfortable with our short, experiential style, which presents an opportunity to learn in an interactive way. Finally, the activities are designed to be non-threatening, and designed for success. The objective of this book is to provide a series of learning experiences carefully constructed to: Look at conflict and its various stages Understand the impact of differences on conflict Become comfortable with various conflict styles and resolution methods Learn responsible and effective communication skills
This book is not a road map to the complete conflict resolution process. However, it does address techniques and approaches to conflict resolution by teaching respect for the individual, the problem, and the process. In it we stress the importance of understanding differing values and perceptions, which often cause conflict without our realizing it.
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Introduction
Whether you are a dispute resolution specialist, a trainer, a manager, or anyone else whose responsibility includes dealing with conflict, this book is for you. It is unique in that it addresses two very important topics in specific sections: Group Learning in Part 1, and Self Development in Part 2. Though both of these sections deal primarily with conflict and conflict resolution, the beauty of the activities and exercises is that they can be incorporated in any number of other training programs. They fit in well with subjects dealing with Management and Leadership, as well as those related to Communication. Trainers in the field of Negotiation, Interpersonal Skills, Diversity, or Problem Solving will also find both sections useful. Each section of this book on conflict resolution uses workshop activities and self-study exercises; some point out ways to look at disputes, while others help people explore their own beliefs and values concerning conflict. There are additional exercises dealing with conflict styles and resolution skills. The overall objective is to show you how to recognize conflict and size up a particular situation, and help you learn how to prevent it from becoming destructive to a new or ongoing relationship. The activities and exercises also offer ways to avoid using the kind of language that makes things worse, and explore what can be done or said to make things better. The two different sections of the book are described below to give you an idea of their contents and how they can be used.
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Title Of Activity PURPOSE EQUIPMENT MATERIALS PROCEDURE DEBRIEF TRAINERS NOTES (where appropriate).
Introduction I. Exploring Conflict II. Know Yourself III. Understanding Conflict IV. Values and Perceptions V. Resolving Conflict Situations Conflict affects everyone, but when it is allowed to develop and grow in the workplace, it can also affect productivity. However, no longer is the task of resolving workplace conflict left to managers and trainers. Innocent behavior can all too quickly be misinterpreted and grow into a minor dispute that gets out of hand before anyone is aware of it. Knowing how conflict can be prevented and resolved is becoming increasingly important to all workers. This book explores techniques and approaches to conflict resolution. Its objective is to teach respect for the individual, the problem, and the process, and to point out the importance of understanding the differing values and perceptions that so often are the cause of anticipated conflict. As a final note, we would like to point out that the activities contained in 50 Activities for Conflict Resolution will be useful to those of you working in industrial, commercial, service, government, and not-for-profit organizations, as well as in the fields of health care, education, and finance. Conflict resolution is an exciting field to be in, and we wish you good luck!
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I EXPLORING CONFLICT
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: Ask the following questions regarding the handout, reminding the group that there are no right or wrong answers: How do you feel about the responses? Can you see a difference in philosophy? What are your thoughts about that? (Possible answers are that responses in the left column generally represent a narrow interpretation of the destructive side of conflict, whereas responses in the right-hand column seems to represent the constructive side of conflict.) Which statements best represent your attitude, the ones in the left column, or the ones in the right? Remember, individual definitions of conflict can shape how you deal with conflict when you are personally involved. Explain that the more you learn about defining conflict, the more likely you are to understand conflict situations and develop resolution skills. You will begin to look at individual needs and intentions (your own and others), and learn to use constructive communication to resolve conflicts.
Total the number of checks in each column. Join the group for comments and further discussion.
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution effective? Have each group select a reporter and then discuss the advantages and disadvantages of the way these participants deal with conflict. Allow about 510 minutes for discussion within each group. (If flipcharts are available, have the reporter list the pros and cons of each approach on the chart. DEBRIEF: There will generally be a continuum rather than two discrete positions in this activity. However, there will also be positions somewhere in between the two extremes illustrated. For example, responses might also come under Collaborating, Compromising, or Accommodating. Each of the styles carries advantages and disadvantages, and might be more appropriate under different circumstances. TRAINERS NOTES: Another way of using this activity would be to ask participants to regroup along the wall with a continuum in mind, rather than the two extreme positions.
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: Its natural for one party to want to win at the expense of the other, yet a situation can be constructed with some negotiating so that the struggle is easier and both sides will come away feeling good. Hence, another Win-Win!
II KNOW YOURSELF
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution TRAINERS NOTES: Prepare four posters with either the pictures or the names of the following animals, as well as the phrases that are in parentheses; then briefly describe the styles: Bunny Rabbit (escape when you have the chance) This represents Avoidance. Pit Bull (winning is the only thing) This represents Competition. Worker Bee (act for the good of the group) This represents Cooperation. Chameleon (willing to change to blend in) This represents Adaptation.
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution TRAINERS NOTES: Prepare four sheets of flipchart paper in advance, listing one of the following descriptors on each sheet, with simple examples: ACTION STYLE (sets objectives, makes quick decisions, likes working on own projects, responds to feedback) PEOPLE -SENSITIVE STYLE (values teamwork, believes in collective agreement, may lose sight of entire task, seeks bosss approval) PROCESS DEVELOPMENT STYLE (thoughtful, resists pressure, pays attention to details such as objectives, facts, strategies, and tactics) IDEA-SENSITIVE STYLE (enjoys relating to interesting colleagues, little interest in ordinary boring activities, bold but sometimes unrecognized)
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I LoseYou Lose
2025 minutes PURPOSE: To help participants understand the possible consequences of inflexibility in attempting to resolve conflicts. EQUIPMENT: None MATERIALS: Instruction Slips A, B, C, and D PROCEDURE: 1. Introduce the activity by telling the participants that through role-play, they are going to observe different ways people approach conflict resolution. They will also learn the importance of flexibility. 2. Ask for two volunteers who would be willing to act out a role play in a given situation. 3. Give one volunteer instruction slip A and the other instruction slip B (see Trainers Notes). Ask them to silently read their respective Instruction Slips and then position themselves at the front of the room. 4. Instruct the rest of the participants to observe the role play. 5. Initiate the first role play (instruction slips A and B). Call a halt when it becomes obvious what is going on. 6. Ask the rest of the participants to give feedback on what they observed: What actually happened? What verbal and nonverbal signals did you observe from either person? (i.e., tone changes, pitch changes, crossing arms, etc.) What did you learn? 7. Thank the volunteers. Ask for two new volunteers to conduct the second role play (instruction slips C and D) and follow the earlier procedure. Again, call a halt when it becomes obvious what is going on. 8. First, ask what was different about the second role play. Then raise the same questions as under Paragraph 6, bringing in the topic of flexibility. 9. Reconvene the group and lead a general discussion on both role plays: Were the instructions difficult to follow? If so, why? Did anyone try to negotiate with the other party, or modify or change his or her position? What were the outcomes? Were there any surprises? How do we become more flexible? 15
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: When two parties work on resolving a conflict, there has to be a good-faith approach that a comfortable resolution is the goal. It is often necessary for one or both parties to be willing to modify their original positions and negotiate toward a mutually satisfactory solution. TRAINERS NOTES: Prepare four slips of paper with Instructions A, B, C, and D so that each pair will have the their assigned slips. Instruction A You are the Manager of Customer Service. Over the past six months, you and another staff member have worked on a how to manual for customer service. It was your idea, and while you have both worked on the contents, you want your name to appear as the author. You are not willing to accept anything different. Instruction B You are a staff member in the Customer Service Department. Over the past six months, you and your manager have worked on a how to manual for customer service. It was the managers idea, but you feel you have done more work on the contents, and you want your name to appear as author. You are not willing to accept anything different. Instruction C You are the Manager of Customer Service. Over the past six months, you and another staff member have worked on a how to manual for customer service. It was your idea, and while you have both worked on the contents, you want your name to appear as the author. Although you feel strongly about this, you have come to the decision that the most important thing is to get the work published. You are willing to do what it takes to accomplish this goal. Instruction D You are a staff member in the Customer Service Department. Over the past six months, you and your manager have worked on a how to manual for customer service. It was the managers idea, but you feel you have done more work on the contents, and you want your name to appear as author. Although you feel strongly about this, you have come to the decision that the most important thing is to get the work published. You are willing to do what it takes to accomplish this goal.
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PROCEDURE: 1. Explain that this activity is designed to give participants a chance to discuss and role-play a scenario, after which they will examine four major approaches to conflict resolution. 2. Set up groups of three and have each select one person to be an ObserverReporter for the group. Give Handout #1: Observer Guidelines to each Observer. Distribute situation slips A and B from Handout #3 to the two remaining participants in each group. Make sure no one sees anyone elses instructions. 3. Allow 510 minutes for the two paired participants to role-play the situation, reminding them that their goal is to resolve the conflict. At the same time, the Observer follows the distributed guidelines and takes notes. 4. Reconvene and ask the Observers to report on what happened during the role play. 5. Distribute Handout #2: Approaches to Conflict Resolution and review it with the group. Then ask the groups of three to re-form. Have them discuss their role play, this time in light of the various approaches. Ask them to think about which approach is most comfortable for them. Then discuss what approaches they saw from other participants during the earlier role play. They should also discuss what they think might have been done differently. 17
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 6. Reconvene and lead the discussion by asking the group the following questions: Were the natural approaches used in the small groups evident, in relation to the approaches that we discussed? Did this activity help you determine your own natural approach? What approaches have you seen in other participants? Were the differences noticeable? What did you learn from this activity? DEBRIEF: There are many approaches to conflict resolution. One of the most useful is the Cooperation approach (I winYou win), but there are times when other approaches are also appropriate. What is important is to be aware of your own approach and to recognize the approaches other people take. In that way, you will be able to anticipate how others might react and adjust your own approach accordingly.
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Approaches to Conflict: Role Play Demonstration **************************************************** ***** Handout #1 **************************************************** *****
OBSERVER GUIDELINES
DURING THE ROLE PLAY Your task is to observe what goes on in the role play and note the conflict that occurs between participants. Jot down some of your observations about how the participants went about resolving the conflict. Specifically note whether either member withdrew or gave in. Was there competition, or cooperation? AFTER THE ROLE PLAY When the entire group reconvenes, your task is to report on the conflict that occurred and how the pair resolved it.
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Approaches to Conflict: Role Play Demonstration **************************************************** ***** Handout #3 **************************************************** *****
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: Stress is a normal part of conflict resolution. Learning to deal with stress begins by identifying the feelings associated with stress and using a variety of approaches to reduce stress. Try using some of the suggestions provided by other participants in this activity. TRAINERS NOTES: If the participants need help in expressing feelings about stress and stress reduction, you might wish to draw from the following suggestions: Feelings Sometimes Associated with Stress Anger Disappointment Blame Ways to Overcome Stress Play music Keep a journal Rest Take a walk Talk to friends Go for a drive Additional Things to Think About Finding out more about the situation Reviewing the situation objectively Accepting the situation as it is Drawing on past experiences Seeking advice Exploring different possible solutions Eat right Cut back on caffeine Meditate Avoid alcohol Exercise Sadness Guilt Feeling of being overwhelmed
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3. Distribute Handout #1 and ask participants to answer each question; then, using the instructions provided, score their inventory. Allow 5 or 10 minutes. 4. When participants are finished, ask for a show of hands as to whether participants consider themselves good listeners based on the self-inventory scores. Ask how many were surprised with their scores. 5. Tell the participants that if most of their answers to the self-inventory were either a or b, they probably possess, to some degree, the characteristics of good listeners. If most answers fell into the c, d, or e categories, the participants probably need to improve their listening habits. 6. Explain that listening is difficult in many situations, but especially so when a dispute is involved. Issues become more complicated when people are trying a resolve a conflict and major points are not heard correctly.
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: Listening is one of the most important communication skills in conflict resolution. There are other activities that deal with listening and responding; however, without careful listening, responses often lead to further misunderstandings and the situation can worsen. No matter how you answered the questionnaire, good listening requires constant practice in concentrating. Now you know what to work on to become a better listener.
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Listening Self-Inventory
This exercise was developed to help you review and describe your typical listening style. Read each question carefully and check one of the five answers listed. 1. Research suggests that you think four times faster than a person usually talks to you. Do you use this excess time to turn your thoughts elsewhere while you are keeping track of a conversation? a. No c. Usually e. Dont know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Yes 2. Do you listen for the feelings behind facts when someone is speaking? a. Almost always d. Almost never b. Most of the time e. Dont know/unaware c. Not as much as I should 3. Do you generally talk more than listen in an interchange with someone else? a. No c. Usually e. Dont know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Yes 4. When you are puzzled or annoyed by what someone says, do you try to get the question straightened out immediately, either in your own mind or by interrupting the speaker? a. No c. Usually e. Dont know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Yes 5. If you feel that it would take a lot of time and effort to understand something, do you go out of your way to avoid hearing about it? a. Seldom c. Often e. Dont know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Very frequently 6. Do emotions interfere with your listening? a. No c. Usually b. Sometimes d. Yes 27 e. Dont know/unaware
7. Do you deliberately turn your thoughts to other subjects when you believe a speaker will have nothing particularly interesting to say? a. Seldom c. Often e. Dont know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Very frequently 8. When someone is talking to you, do you try to make him/her think youre paying attention when you are not? a. Seldom c. Often e. Dont know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Very frequently 9. When you are listening to someone, are you easily sidetracked by outside distractions (people and events)? a. Seldom c. Often e. Dont know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Very frequently 10. Do you listen carefully to the opinions of others, though you may intend to take exception to something later on? a. Almost always d. Almost never b. Most of the time e. Dont know/unaware c. Not as much as I should 11. When listening to someone who speaks with an accent, do you make a greater effort to concentrate on what the person is saying? a. Almost always d. Almost never b. Most of the time e. Dont know/unaware c. Not as much as I should 12. When you are listening to someone speak, do you make a conscious effort to make and keep eye contact with the speaker? a. Almost always d. Almost never b. Most of the time e. Dont know/unaware c. Not as much as I should Scoring: If most of your answers were a, or b, you probably possess the ability to concentrate and to recognize the speakers emotions. If most answers were c, d, or e, you need to develop these characteristics more fully.
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Red Flags
3040 minutes PURPOSE: To give participants an opportunity to examine phrases that often create or escalate conflict. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: None PROCEDURE: 1. Introduce the activity by telling the participants they are going to look at counterproductive words and phrases that often create or escalate conflict that is, the words and phrases that send up a red flag or make you see red. 2. Pair up participants and ask each pair to come up with phrases that often appear in conflicts (sending up a red flag), either causing or escalating conflict. Give examples such as You always, Your problem is, Dont tell me what Im thinking, etc. Tell participants you will time them, and then see which pair comes in with the most phrases in 5 minutes. 3. At the end of the time, have people call out the words or phrases they came up with. Discuss what the red flags were and write them on the flipchart. 4. Then ask the pairs to work together again, this time to identify words or phrases they think can help avoid conflict or reduce it. Allow 5 minutes. 5. At the end of the 5 minutes, have participants call out their new words or phrases and write them on the flipchart. DEBRIEF: Discuss the impact of language on conflict. Ask questions such as: Have you been in a conflict where words or phrases from the first group were used? How did you feel? What effect did this have on the resolution of the conflict? What happens when you hear words and phrases like those in the second group? Which of the two assignments was easier?
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution TRAINERS GUIDE: If the participants have difficulty thinking of specific benefits and barriers of third-party intervention, the trainer may suggest some possibilities from the following lists to spark their imagination. Barriers Cost, depending on the professional and the length of the case Difficulty in locating a qualified but neutral party Neutral party cannot take sides, or may have his or her own agenda Possibility that a strong neutral party may overstructure the process Neutral party cannot be someone likely to lose patience Benefits Cost normally much less than litigation Neutral person can keep the process on track Neutral party brings a fresh perspective to the conflict Neutral party can be a go-between for contesting parties who are loath to face each other or consider compromise Decisions are made by both sides, not by the third-party
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: Communication is not always easy, because we listen and respond to others based on our feelings, beliefs, attitudes, and values. What we say orally is only a small part of communication. Neurolinguistic researchers have found that the person receiving the message you are sending interprets about 65 percent of that message through nonverbal communication. What that means is that the words you use and your tone of voice are not as significant as the nonverbal signals you are sending when you convey a message. While we can choose our words, often our nonverbal behavior is largely unconscious. In any situation we need to be aware that we are sending nonverbal messages, but in conflict situations we must be even more diligent because our feelings and attitudes influence the nonverbal messages we send and receive. Note: Interpretation of body language varies around the world. This activity focuses on a Western view. TRAINERS NOTES: Make enough copies of the following instruction slips, cut to a convenient size. A. You are disinterested. Pay no attention to what your partner is saying. Look around, check your watch, yawn, and use other nonverbal behaviors that indicate lack of interest. Do what comes naturally for you. Think of a situation where you felt this way and recall your feelings. B. You are angry. Exhibit nonverbal behaviors that let your partner know you are angry. Do what is natural for you, but some ideas might include: tongue in cheek, downward frown, shaking head side-to-side in disbelief. Think of a situation where you felt this way and recall your feelings. C. You are excited. Let your partner know this nonverbally. Some examples might include: nodding head, waving arms, clapping, jumping up and down. Do what comes naturally for you. Think of a situation where you felt this way and recall your feelings. D. You are sad. Exhibit nonverbal behaviors that let your partner know that you are down. Perhaps you are holding your head in your hands, averting eyes downward, crying. Do what comes naturally. Think of a situation where you felt this way and recall your feelings.
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Everyone communicates verbally and nonverbally, consciously and unconsciously. Every individual is a product of his or her own culture. All communication is culture-bound. There are numerous communication styles within racial, gender, and ethnic groups.
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DEBRIEF: It is important to see conflict as contributing to personal growth. Evaluating both destructive and constructive conflict can lead one to recognize the advantages of a win-win solution. It is significant that a win-win solution diminishes the destructive impact of conflict and offers a positive force for the organization as well as for the individual. 43
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution TRAINERS NOTES: If the participants have difficulty thinking of specific destructive and/or constructive aspects, here are some examples: Conflict is destructive when: one person has to give in too much (win-lose) the dispute hurts a relationship there is no agreement reached there are uncontrolled emotions, anger, and raised voices the conflict prevents or stops people from working
Conflict is constructive when it: leads to resolution builds a strong relationship with improved communication opens people up to new ideas leads to a win-win resolution develops common goals clarifies a problem situation and leads to positive change
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DEBRIEF: Making assumptions is something most of us do from time to time. Although its possible that our assumptions are correct, quite often they are flawed. Carried to an extreme, unverified assumptions can escalate and put the entire resolution process on a slippery slope. Remember, your partner may also be making assumptions about you, and these may be just as invalid as your assumptions about him or her. Collecting the data, checking out the assumptions, and reevaluating first impressions are important steps in any conflict situation.
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: This childrens story is a metaphor for many life experiences. Up to a point, all the characters do what is only natural for themselves. The original version, wherein the Hunter kills the Wolf, represents the way in which many real life disputes end (unresolved), and perhaps even violently. The challenge is to see the characters in a new light and recognize that there are other points of view. The task is to find a rational way to have the parties resolve the potential conflict in an original and creative manner.
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Portrait of a Peacemaker
40 minutes PURPOSE: To examine the qualities of peacemakers, who avoid violence in favor of resolving conflicts through peaceful means. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: Pencils, paper; Handout: Comparison of Users of Violence with Non-Users of Violence PROCEDURE: 1. This activity is about Peacemakers, defined in Websters New World Dictionary as persons who make peace by settling the disagreements of others. 2. Pass out the handout and ask participants to list in the left-hand column several well-known figures who used violence to resolve conflict situations. In the right-hand column, list other well-known people who used nonviolent means. 3. Pair up participants and ask them to compare their lists and discuss their selections. Then ask them to write down the qualities they see shared by the various peacemakers. 4. After several minutes, reconvene the group and ask them to report on their discussions. Use the flipchart to record the names of the people they selected, and also the overall qualities they found common to the various peacemakers. 5. Ask participants to return to their partners and then join up with another pair, forming groups of four. Perhaps the best way to explain their task is to tell them to look for the person most likely to receive The Peacemaker of the Century award (as if there is such an award). The assignment is to review the flipchart responses and select the one person they feel most worthy to represent the finest example of a Peacemaker. 6. Have the groups report out and lead a discussion using questions such as the following: In the beginning of the activity, was it easier to think of those who are or were known to use violence, or to think of the peacemakers? What does that tell you about our society in general? How might any course of events have been changed if those who promoted violence had applied the same qualities and skills used by peacemakers? 55
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: Everyday we learn about leaders and conflict. This activity gives us a chance to look beyond the workplace and immediate conflict situations and explore the qualities of successful peacemakers. This topic is a complex one, and we have only touched the surface by discussing the peacemakers and their qualities. It is important to recognize that in many conflict situations, violence-prone parties often have a personal agenda in which power is more important than resolution. Therefore, focus on peacemakers and peacemaker characteristics in general, and learn as much as you can from them.
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution group. 6. Lead a discussion comparing the information that was brought out with both types of questions, as follows: How did you feel when you were asked the yes-no questions? What about the open-ended questions? Which of the two types of questions is easier to make up? Which was the easier to answer? What did you learn from this activity? DEBRIEF: There are times when yes-no questions are effective, such as when you are looking for a quick answer, either agreement or disagreement. However, for the most part, yes-no questions provide very little information. If you are looking to gain greater insight or explore details in-depth, the open-ended questions will produce better results. TRAINERS NOTES: (FLIPCHART) EXAMPLES OF KEY QUESTIONS Yes-No Do you have an opinion on . . .? Did you give permission to . . .? Did you follow instructions? Open-Ended What is your opinion on . . .? Tell me about what happened. Describe the instructions.
(FLIPCHART) SUGGESTED DISCUSSION TOPICS Medium and large-size companies should be required to offer day care programs for their employees. The speed limit should be raised to 80 mph on rural interstate highways. All films and shows on TV should have a limit as to the number of commercials. The standard work week in the U.S. should be reduced from 40 hours to 32 hours. OR SELECT A TOPIC OF YOUR OWN.
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PROCEDURE: 1. Explain that this activity is useful in learning to recognize resistance and overcome it by offering options. 2. Point out that when someone is faced with disagreeable situations such as unpleasant work assignments, reduction in status, loss of perquisites, etc., he or she quite often shows emotions in body language, which we recognize as resistance-indicators. 3. Have the participants suggest typical resistance-indicators and list them on the flipchart. Examples would be rolling of eyes (or loss of eye contact), raised voice, perspiration, artificial half-smile, etc. Point out that body language indicators are clear signals that resistance is present, and appropriate strategies such as suggesting alternatives ought to be employed. 4. Tell the group that the second part of this activity addresses options. Pair up the participants and explain that one partner will become Wayne and the other Charlie. Give the respective handouts to the appropriate parties and ask the participants not to share them. 5. Ask participants to follow the instructions on their handouts and engage in a dialogue as directed. (The participants are encouraged to add creative comments, as long as they stay within the characters and motivations they have been assigned.) 6. For example, one option could be that Wayne will have Charlie set up an informal sub-team within the graphics department, which would actively seek and carry out more special projects and thus give Charlie a stronger role in the department. 7. Allow about 10 minutes and then instruct all participants to stop. 67
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 8. Reconvene and have each pair report out on the options they developed. Lead a discussion addressing the following questions: What did you learn from this activity? Were the suggested options practical, and did they meet the core objectives of both Wayne and Charlie? After the activity was over, was there less resistance than at the beginning? More resistance? If more resistance, what could have been done to make certain that resistance was not increased but lessened? DEBRIEF: In exploring options, both parties should first analyze how each is affected by a change in circumstances, in this case the original departmental reorganization. The interests of each party should be examined so that both individuals work toward gaining satisfaction from mutually acceptable options. Practical options need to be explored and the pros and cons examined. Finally, after an option is selected, the resulting action steps should be clearly understood, reviewing what each party will do to make the new arrangement work.
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 6. Describe a conflict situation youve experiencedsomething important to youor ask a volunteer to describe one. Instruct the participants to listen and write what they would say to demonstrate their understanding of your original statementthat is, to paraphrase your statement. Using the five criteria on the flipchart, tell them to write as if they are individually talking directly to you. After the written responses are completed, ask the participants to discuss among themselves their respective paraphrasing. 7. Ask for examples of what the participants wrote and hold a discussion about paraphrasing with the full group. DEBRIEF: The ability to paraphrase is a skill that can be learned, and it is extremely helpful in resolving conflict. Paraphrasing what was heard helps both parties in conflict and shows that we are listening carefully to what is being said. It also creates an opportunity to hear again what has been stated, and it is a chance for the speaker to correct any impressions that may be incorrect. TRAINERS NOTES: Prepare flipchart entitled Listening for Point of View We listen for content in the form of the main idea of what a person is saying. We also listen for the feelings expressed by the other person. We are listening for the persons values or the ideas that are important to him or her. Prepare second flipchart entitled Five Criteria for Successful Paraphrasing Be interchangeable (neither adding to, nor subtracting from, what was said). Be brief. Be original in your own words. Convey neither approval nor disapproval. Begin with phrases that verify your understanding of what has been said and how the other party feels.
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Third-Party Mediation
3050 minutes PURPOSE: To explore third party mediation as an alternative course of action in conflict resolution; to learn the stages of mediation and how to practice them. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: Handout #1: Model Depicting Stages of Mediation Handout #2: Scenarios for Mediation Role Play PROCEDURE: 1. Explain that this activity will review the process of mediation and help participants understand the advantage of using mediation to reach an agreement when dealing with workplace disputes. A model and an opportunity to practice specific mediation situations will be offered. 2. Ask participants to think of a time when they were involved in a difficult workplace conflict when a mediator could have been used to help them. Pair participants and have them discuss some real-life situations in which a mediator might have been helpful, or perhaps some examples where a mediator was used. Allow about 5 minutes. 3. Reconvene and, as a group, exchange ideas about the impact of a neutral third-party mediator in helping resolve conflict situations. 4. Present a lecturette explaining that mediation is a process in which disputants meet with a third party and jointly explore the conflict situation. The role of the mediator (often a manager or senior adviser) is to listen carefully to both sides, help identify the underlying issues, and lead the disputants into exploring possible options for resolution. The significance of mediation is that it is a win-win situation. With mediation, the outcome is entirely in the hands of the people who are in dispute. (It is truly remarkable how people can cooperate when they realize that they have the power to resolve their problems themselves.) 5. Distribute Handout #1 and review the model depicting the stages of mediation with the group. 6. Now that the participants have looked at the four stages, explain that they will have a chance to discuss and role-play two conflict scenarios. Arrange the participants in groups of three and explain that one person will be the mediator, and the other two will be the disputants. 73
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 7. Distribute Scenarios for Mediation Role Plays, making sure none of the three in each group see each others slips of paper. Explain that the goal is to come to an agreement to resolve the conflict by having the mediator conduct the session using the stages outlined in the model handout. Allow about 10 minutes. 8. Reconvene and ask the group to discuss how they feel about the concept of mediation and the roles they played. Were the rules easy or difficult? Were there any surprises? In what ways can mediation help in workplace conflict? DEBRIEF: The strength of mediation is its ability to promote a new way of communicating that shows respect for individuality and encourages understanding and participation in the final resolution of a conflict. Mediators enable disputing parties to interact with one another in a nonthreatening environment. Because mediation encourages equal input on the part of the disputants, they understand that the agreements are mutual and therefore easier to keep than if they had simply been decreed by someone else. TRAINERS NOTES: Options: The groups can be given either one or both scenarios, or the two different scenarios can be divided between the groups. Time permitting, participants can change roles, taking turns being the mediator.
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Agreement/ Conclusion
Opening
Exchange/ Negotiaton
Information Sharing
**************************************************** ***** OPENINGMake the appropriate introductions, explain the mediation process, and ask for the cooperation of all parties. INFORMATION SHARINGHave each person speak openly to you, explaining the situation from his or her perspective. Summarize what has been said to make sure that you understand each persons position. EXCHANGE & NEGOTIATIONInstruct each person to speak directly to the other party or parties. Guide them to begin by talking about some common goal or shared positive experience. Then lead the disputants into talking about their true feelings and discussing the actual issues of the dispute. To make the transition to an agreement, have the disputants brainstorm all possible options for an agreement. CLOSINGSummarize what has happened and together write an agreement, reminding the disputants of the good-faith aspects of the agreement. Arrange a follow-up meeting to check on progress and acknowledge successes.
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Third-Party Mediation Handout #2 Scenario B **************************************************** ***** MEDIATORS COPY You are the program director of a nonprofit agency that is in dire need of funds. Your fund-raising campaign cannot proceed because two of your decision makers, Ann and Agatha (who must work together), strongly disagree on what approach to use. No one seems to be able to break the deadlock. You are unsure what their differences actually are. They each take distinctly different sides on how the fundraising campaign project should proceed. Neither party is willing to give in, even though you have informally talked to them, emphasizing how important it is to get the project moving. You call them into your office to deal with this situation so that your agency can proceed with the campaign. **************************************************** ***** ANNS COPY You work for a nonprofit agency and it is fundraising time. You strongly believe that funds should be raised through new and fresh programs and that you should be writing grants. You do not feel that you should go after money by begging and using a tin cup approach with annoying gimmicks. You feel your organization can accomplish its goals with dignity and style. You firmly insist that this is the right time to make a change. **************************************************** ***** AGATHAS COPY You personally believe that the traditional ways of fundraising for your nonprofit agency have been effective in the past and should continue rather than be changed. You feel that people are comfortable with the old way and really want to help out. You believe that aggressive pushing for contributions in spite of it being a minor annoyance will still persuade the public to donate generously. You insist on continuing as you have in the past by repeatedly requesting money through ads, letters, phone calls, etc. You feel strongly enough to argue the point vigorously. **************************************************** *****
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 5. Tell participants that they will have an opportunity to practice making a clear agreement using the five Ws, and instruct them to pair up for role play. 6. Share the following scenario: Paul and Steve agreed to purchase a fishing boat together. A month went by and they had not purchased it. Paul was getting anxious because he wanted to use it this season. One Saturday, Paul and his wife went to a tag sale and saw a fishing boat for $300. He thought it was a good deal, so he ran over to Steves house to tell him about it. Steve thought it was a bad idea to buy a boat at a tag sale. The discussion escalated into a heated argument and was becoming a major conflict. However, Paul realized they were getting no place and remembered a training program at work in which agreement writing was discussed. He explained it to Steve and they agreed to look at the 5 Ws and jointly write an agreement to resolve the dispute. 7. Show the prepared flipchart (see Trainers Notes). 8. Instruct participants to discuss and then role-play the Paul-and-Steve scenario, using the five Ws to set up the agreement. After they have roleplayed the scenario, tell them to write down a short description of each of the five Ws they used. Allow 10 minutes. 9. Reconvene and ask for examples of written agreements. Then lead a discussion, asking the following questions: How easy or difficult was it to formulate your agreement? Did any additional conflict occur between you and your partner? How can formulating clear agreements help resolve conflict? DEBRIEF: Closure is of paramount importance in a conflict-resolution situation. People often think they have settled a conflict when they agree orally, but they may not have closed the loop. A clear agreement will state in writing what has been agreed to. TRAINERS NOTES: Prepare a flipchart in advance with the following points: Paul and Steve agreed to purchase a fishing boat together. A month went by but no purchase had been made. Paul was getting anxious. Paul saw a fishing boat for $300 at a tag sale. Steve thought it was a bad idea to buy a boat at a tag sale. The discussion escalated.
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: Its important to remember that some conflicts can be resolved quickly and easily, particularly if disputants are solution-oriented and not problem-oriented. The five-step guide provided here should be helpful. TRAINERS NOTES: Write the following on a flipchart: Five Step Guide that Can Lead to Quick Resolution of a Conflict 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Gather all the necessary facts. Back up all the assertions with examples. Decide what you want from the other person. Consider what you are willing to give. Summarize the discussion and check for understanding and agreement.
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Table of ContentsPart 2
Independent Study
Introduction to: The Back of the Book . . . Self-Development ................................. I. Exploring Conflict Early Takes on Conflict........................................................................................ Exploring Sources of Conflict.............................................................................. Self-Assessment in Dealing with Differences ................................................... Analyzing a Conflict: Is It Worth Getting Into?.............................................. 85 89 91 95 97
II. Know Yourself The Role of Values in Conflict Resolution ........................................................101 In the Heat of the Moment...................................................................................103 Which Conflict Resolution Style Is Yours?.......................................................105 How to Deal with Hot Buttons ..........................................................................109 III. Understanding Conflict Resolving a Conflict through Planning .............................................................113 Why People Avoid Dealing with Conflict Resolution ....................................115 Four Conflict Resolution Styles: When to Use Each .......................................117 Mediation: Test Your Knowledge .......................................................................121 IV. Values and Perceptions Evaluating Your Conflict Resolution Skills .....................................................127 First Thoughts about Others: Perception IQ Quiz ......................................129 The Ideal Peacemaker: Can You Imagine That? ...............................................133 V. Resolving Conflict Situations Uncovering the Hidden Agenda...........................................................................137 Your Turn: A Nonjudgmental Exercise...............................................................139 A Questionable Exercise.......................................................................................143 Direct Communication: Its Use in Conflict Resolution..................................149 Supportive Listening: Whats Your Score? ........................................................151 Skills That Make a Difference .............................................................................153 Fact vs. Opinion ....................................................................................................155 Escalate vs. Acknowledge: The Choice Is Yours...............................................157 Turning Negatives into Positives .......................................................................159 Eight Different Points of View............................................................................161 85
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution As explained in the beginning of the book, this section can be used in three ways: As a stand-alone course with exercises that encourage participants to take the initiative for their own learning, As assigned homework or classwork to reinforce group activities on conflict resolution, As a basis for new workshops and group activities. These exercises lend themselves to a process whereby you can develop a long-term plan to deal with conflict. They will help you explore language (both verbal and non-verbal) and also offer specific communication hints in building relationships that will help you to move forward successfully in a conflict situation. The Back of the Books self-development exercises are grouped into the same five categories as those in the front of the book. They are as follows: I. II. III. IV. V. Exploring Conflict Know Yourself Understanding Conflict Values and Perceptions Resolving Conflict Situations
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I EXPLORING CONFLICT
WORKSHEET
1. My definition of conflict is _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 2. Think of an early conflict in your life. Comment on the following: Who was involved? ___________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ What were the reasons behind the conflict? _______________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ What methods were used to resolve it? __________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 3. Now bring yourself to the present and think about some current conflict, preferably in the workplace. Comment on that situation. Who was involved? ___________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ What were the reasons behind the conflict ? ______________________________ _____________________________________________________________________
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution What methods were used to resolve it? __________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Were these methods different than the earlier methods? If so, how? _________ _____________________________________________________________________ There are no right or wrong answers to the questions raised on the worksheet. However, it is important to know how you feel about the subject of conflict. The more you understand how it impacts you and your relationships, the better you will be able to handle difficult situations in the future. You can learn to deal with it in a positive way, especially in todays world where many people believe that conflict is part of everyday life.
SUMMARY
To review your definition of conflict, check out the following two definitions: 1. Websters New World Dictionary gives as synonyms of conflict words like fight, struggle, and contention, and defines it as a sharp disagreement or opposition of interests, ideas, etc. 2. A different definition is found in a statement from psychologist Jean Baker Millers book, Toward a New Psychology of Women. She says, Conflict is the source of all growth and an absolute necessity if one is to be alive. Attitudes about conflict are changing today. People view it as a natural part of life, and increasingly believe that it allows both parties to learn from each other and benefit in ways that have never been thought of before. Consequently, the more you know about yourself and your experiences with conflict, the more likely you are to develop effective resolution skills. The goal is to learn to use constructive communication to resolve conflicts.
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WORKSHEET
Think about the reasons why a particular conflict might develop at work. Perhaps it would be prompted by external factors over which you have no control, such as inadequate supplies, difficult time constraints, or an overbearing boss. It could be based on internal factors ingrained in your behavior, such as your perceptions of a situation or the people involved, or a difference in values. 1. List all of the external factors you can think of that can cause conflict. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 2. List all of the internal factors that can contribute to conflict. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 3. List the behaviors of others that you find annoying enough to bring about conflict. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 4. Now think about a real life conflict experience. Jot down your ideas of how knowledge of the sources of conflict help in either avoiding or resolving a difficult situation. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________
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Exploring Sources of Conflict 4. Now think about a real life conflict experience. Jot down your ideas of how knowing the sources of conflict with help in either avoiding or resolving a difficult situation. For example, two businessmen are in conflict over an agreement involving a significant amount of money. After considerable wrangling, the parties discover that one man assumed a certain figure was before taxes and the other after taxes. The source of the conflict was a clear case of miscommunication; when this matter was addressed, the two parties were able to reconcile their differences.
SUMMARY
This exercise has explored both external and internal factors that cause or contribute to conflict. Understanding the sources of conflict will likely help in resolving a specific conflict situation. The more you know about the background of a specific situation, the more likely you will help the disputants reach a resolution.
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3.
4. 5.
6.
7.
8. 9. 10.
SUMMARY
You have just identified your general worldview. Obviously, this view affects how you will deal with conflicts involving people who are different than you. If most of your answers were A, you probably have an outlook that is ethnocentric and believe that your culture is not only best for you, but also best for most other people. This makes resolving disputes more difficult. Our goal is not to change your values, but to give you some new insights and information about communication that may help in resolving disagreements with people who are different. If most of your answers were B, your outlook is likely to be one that is flexible and accepting of differences. We hope you will gain some additional understanding and new skills from this book that will be helpful in dealing with various complexities present in most disputes. We hope that this self-inventory has given you some insight into your personal preferences and personal comfort zone in dealing with people with different cultures, backgrounds, attitudes, etc. This self-knowledge will probably influence how you will behave or respond in a conflict situation. It should also help you to understand the values and comfort levels of others who may be involved with you in a conflict.
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WORKSHEET
Here is a way to help you examine a conflict by first thinking about how you feel about it and then considering whether it is worth working on at all. Answer the questions below, considering a conflict that you may be facing or one that you are already engaged in. (You also may want to explore a past conflict for this analysis. If so, change the questions to the past tense.) 1. Briefly describe the conflict. State what its about. _______________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 2. Who is involved? _____________________________________________________ 3. What is the relationship between the people involved ? ___________________ 4. What are your feelings about this situation? _____________________________ 5. What do you think the other person really wants? ________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 6. How do you think that person feels? ____________________________________ 7. What do you think the real issues are? __________________________________ 8. What do you think the other person thinks about that? ___________________ 9. Describe in a few words what you said or did and what the other person said or did. ______________________________________________________________ 10. Consider the consequencesboth positive and negative. What do you see as the outcome? ________________________________________________________
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution The last question to address is: Are the potential consequences in either direction worth addressing?
SUMMARY
Professionals who work in the field of conflict resolution generally believe that addressing a conflict in a positive and planned way will bring positive results. This exercise gives you a chance to analyze a conflict and look at it from your own as well as the other persons perspective. Questions like these can help you decide how you want to proceed and whether the outcome is important enough for you to spend the time and effort to resolve the situation. Good luck!
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II KNOW YOURSELF
WORKSHEET
Here is a way to examine values. Place an X on the continuum closest to your personal beliefs. Column A
Informality is the way to go. Communication should be direct. Competition leads to success. Time-sense is extremely important. Authority needs to be questioned. Emotions can be shown. The individual can stand out from the group. I am youth-oriented. Admission of error is important. There are exceptions to every rule. People are measured by their accomplishments.
Continuum
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Column B
Formal behavior and dress are most important. Indirect communication is more effective. Harmony brings better results. Promptness is not a major concern. Authority is worthy of trust. Emotions should be controlled. The group is most important. Age should be appreciated. Saving face supersedes all. Rules are meant to be obeyed. People are measured by their good qualities.
From top to bottom, connect the Xs to give you an idea of your profile. What does your profile look like? Those people from a traditionally Western perspective are likely to relate to the statements in Column A. People from non-Western cultures may easily fall closest to those in Column B. 103
SUMMARY
This simple exercise points out one reason why people from individualistic competitive cultures (such as that of the U.S.) may have difficulty appreciating other people for whom group well-being and harmony are key values.
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WORKSHEET
Think back to the conflict situations you have taken part in. Try to imagine what your feelings were at those times and list the emotions that surfaced when you were engaged in conflict. 1. List the emotions you feel when you are involved in conflict. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 2. List how these emotions impact your ability to resolve conflict. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 3. List ways that you can bring your emotional temperature down. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Now turn the page for a list of emotions that often surface in conflict and tips to reduce negative emotions. Compare the emotions you listed with our list. 105
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Emotions Anger Hurt Pain Resentment Fear Jealousy Hatred Tips for Reducing Negative Emotions Lower your voice, speak softly, express concerns in a calm manner Acknowledge the other persons feelings Suggest a time-out Show empathy Listen and paraphrase Review and take pride in own assets Analyze reasons; minimize effect
SUMMARY
It is important that you understand one thing: The display of negative emotions has no place in conflict resolution. They are counterproductive; conflicts have often remained unresolved because of them. It takes fair, honest, open-minded, and dedicated participants to overcome serious negative emotions on either side. Keep in mind that you can find an entire range of conflict-resolution skills in the activities and exercises included in this book that will help make the process successful.
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WORKSHEET
The four conflict resolution styles to be used in the worksheet are identified as follows: Avoidancewhere people withdraw to avoid conflict. They believe it is hopeless to try to resolve conflict, and easier to step back from a conflict situation. The avoidance style leads to a lose-lose approach. Competitionwhere one disputant tries to overpower another disputant by forcing his or her own solution on the other person. This style is considered a win-lose approach. Adaptationwhere people feel that the relationships are more important than their own goals. They want to be liked and accepted, and harmony is the most important thing. These people are choosing a lose-win approach. Cooperationwhere disputants highly value their own goals and relationships. They consider conflicts as problems to be solved, and want both parties to achieve their goals. These disputants are not satisfied until an acceptable solution is found for both parties. They have chosen a win-win approach. The following worksheet contains 23 statements and a score sheet to help you identify your predominant conflict-resolution style.
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WORKSHEET
Read each statement and indicate on the scale how typical each statement is of your feelings about conflict.
1 Almost never 1. I try to get along with the person I am in conflict with. 2. For me, conflict situations are either win-win or win-lose. I plan to win. 3. I try to stay away from situations that might be confrontational. 4. For me, it is important that both parties needs are met. I look for ways to make that happen. 5. I use whatever tactics are necessary to win. 6. I believe it is hopeless to try to resolve conflict. 7. My goals are more important to me than the relationship. 8. I want to be liked and accepted by others. 9. To me, conflict is a lose-lose approach. 10. My goals are important to me, but so is the relationship. 11. Acceptance by others is not important to me. Winning is. 12. I will do whatever I can to ignore issues that might lead to conflict. 13. I try to find things we both agree on. 14. I try to be with people I get along with and avoid relationships I think may result in conflict. 15. My goal is to find a solution where both parties win. 16. I often find I am trying to smooth things over for the sake of the relationship. 17. I am unwilling to change what I want. 18. I dont want to hurt anyones feelings. 19. Im willing to go along if it makes you happy. 20. I am not satisfied until an acceptable solution is found. 21. Not only do I not like to engage in conflict, I dont want to be around others who might engage in conflict. 22. I am direct about what I want, and I expect to get it. 23. I am willing to give up if it makes the other person happy. 2 Rarely 3 Sometimes 4 Often 5 Very often
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SCORE SHEET
List below the ranking that you selected for each statement. Then total the numbers in each column. The column with the highest score indicates your predominant style. Avoidance 3 _______ 6 _______ 9 _______ 12 _______ 14 _______ 21 _______ Totals _______ _______ _______ _______ Competition 2 _______ 5 _______ 7 _______ 11 _______ 17 _______ 22 _______ Adaptation 8 _______ 16 _______ 18 _______ 19 _______ 23 _______ _______ Cooperation 1 _______ 4 _______ 10 _______ 13 _______ 15 _______ 20 _______
SUMMARY
The score sheet above can help you determine which style might be your strongest. Of course, most people are comfortable with more than one style, so use the above questions and chart to think about your predominant style and those occasions when another style might be more appropriate.
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WORKSHEET
Most of us have at least one hot button. When ours are pushed, it is almost impossible to respond in a constructive way, particularly when we are in the middle of a conflict. (Examples of hot buttons: ethnic slurs, stereotypes, namecalling.) List below any words, statements, or behavior that are hot buttons for you: 1. ________________________________ 2. ________________________________ 3. _________________________________ 4. _________________________________
What strategies have you used to deal with your hot buttons? 1. ________________________________ 2. ________________________________ 3. _________________________________ 4. _________________________________
Other people have hot buttons, too. How might you deal with those hot buttons you push in a conflict situation? What skills would be helpful? 1. ________________________________ 2. ________________________________ 3. _________________________________ 4. _________________________________
On the next page you will find some skills to help you deal with hot button situations.
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SUMMARY
Because hot buttons are words or actions that can trigger negative responses, it is vital that they be taken into consideration during a conflict situation. Since they often exacerbate a conflict, all parties must be aware of the impact they make. When a hot button issue comes up, it is important to recognize it for what it is; detach yourself from it, allow the situation to cool off, and move on. The more sensitive you are to hot buttons (your own and others), the easier it is to avoid their use and not take things personally. In general, you should always use positive language when resolving conflicts.
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WORKSHEET
Think about a conflict that you will be dealing with soon, or one that you would like to help resolve. The following basic questions will guide you through the planning process. 1. How much do I know about the parties and the issues? 2. How serious is this conflict? Is it important enough to get involved? 3. What are the consequences if this conflict is not resolved for me personally? For the group I work with? 4. Where should the meeting be held, and who should be there? 5. What are the time constraints for the initial meeting? What are the time constraints for reaching a solution? 6. What resources can I use? (Interviews, mentors, peer personnel, human resources department, publications, etc.) 7. What do I hope to gain? 8. What am I willing to do to close the conflict?
SUMMARY
In preparing for a conflict resolution meeting, you should consider certain other preparation steps. If this is your first conflict-resolution situation, you can help strengthen your role by reviewing appropriate activities and exercises in this book. If you have been involved in other situations in the past, you might pause to draw upon the knowledge gained from your other experiences. 115
WORKSHEET
Read over the following sentences and check those that describe your feelings about the conflict-resolution process. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. _____ I dont have time. _____ I dont want to end up being the tough guy. _____ Nobody in my past career history has shown me the way. I have no role model. _____ Others will not want me to interfere. _____ People dont ask for my help. _____ I think others should know what to do. _____ I dont care.
POINTS TO CONSIDER
1. Though conflict resolution takes time, it may take much more time if the situation is allowed to continue without being addressed. 2. Conflict-resolution skills can help achieve a win-win solution that recognizes the needs and interests of all parties, where no one has to stand out as the tough guy. 3. Study the printed material on conflict resolution, learn from others, and take courses on it wherever possible. Find a role model! 4. In the conflict-resolution process, communication skills can be employed that allow you to be an equal participant rather than a person who interferes. 117
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 5. As you become successful at dealing with conflict, you will likely find that others will see value in how you handle situations and come to respect you for that. 6. Novices in resolving conflict often do not know how to handle it, and appreciate help from those who have conflict-resolution skills. 7. An I dont care attitude will not get you very far. You will care when you are comfortable with the situation and know how to reach a positive resolution.
SUMMARY
As in any undertaking, the more you know about a subject, the more comfortable you will be with it and the easier it will become. Because conflict is pervasive in todays workplace, it is especially important that people work to overcome their discomfort and be willing to invest their time to learn to deal with conflict in a positive way. Clearly there are many more reasons why people avoid trying to resolve conflict; you may have some others of your own. However, the Points to Consider should get you thinking about the avoidance issue.
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WORKSHEET
The four conflict resolution styles are identified as: Avoidancewhere people withdraw to avoid conflict. They believe it is hopeless to try to resolve conflict, and usually step away from a conflict situation. This style leads to a lose-lose situation. Competitionwhere one disputant tries to overpower another disputant by forcing his or her own solution on the other person. This style is considered a win-lose approach. Adaptationwhere people feel that relationships are more important than their own goals. They want to be liked and accepted; harmony is the important goal. These people are choosing a lose-win approach. Cooperationwhere disputants highly value their own goals and relationships with others. They consider conflicts as problems to be solved, and want both parties to achieve their goals. These disputants are not satisfied until an acceptable solution is found for both parties. They have chosen a win-win approach. The chart the following page contains statements describing when certain styles are particularly useful. Read each statement and identify which style you believe would be most effective for that situation by placing a check mark in the appropriate column. When you finish, youll find the correct answers on the following page. Check to see how you did. 119
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Place your checkmark in the appropriate column.
Avoidance Useful when quick action is needed Useful when you need to gain commitment Useful to postpone tension Useful to maintain balance and harmony Useful to delay action while gaining more information Useful in situations where someone tries to take advantage of noncompetitive behavior Useful to allow for mutual exploration of creative approaches Useful when others might solve the conflict more effectively Useful when it is not important for you to win Useful when emotions are strong Useful when relationships are important to both Useful when the issue is worth the consequences Competition Adaptation Cooperation
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SUMMARY
The information in the chart above suggests that there are times when one particular style works best. However, there may be times when alternative
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Four Conflict Resolution Styles: When to Use Each choices are more appropriate.
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WORKSHEET
GENERAL PRINCIPLES OF MEDIATION As you read the following sentences, think about what mediation means to you and respond to each statement with a T for true or an F for false. Then check your answers with those provided on the next page. If you have 11 or more true statements, congratulations! If you marked ten or fewer as true, you need to learn more. A mediator is often very helpful in the conflict-resolution process; you will find more information about the subject in books or other publications, in courses, and on the Internet.
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9.
F T T
13.
SUMMARY
Mediation is sometimes confused with arbitration. Arbitration, however, is another form of Alternate Dispute Resolution. In mediation, the decisions are made by the participants, and are voluntary. In arbitration, all decisions by the Arbitrator(s), both in the hearings and in the final award, are normally binding. 127
WORKSHEET
Rate yourself on each statement by circling the number that represents your ability, with 5 being most applicable to you (a strong agreement) and 1 being the least applicable (a strong disagreement). Work quickly and spontaneously, without spending too much time on any one question.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. I enjoy addressing conflict situations. I can deal with different values. I am able to turn negatives into positives. I am able to make others comfortable in a conflictresolution situation. I set up a plan before going into a conflict. I know myself and use my strengths strategically. I work toward satisfying the needs of both parties, keeping in mind the desire for a win-win solution. I know what I want to accomplish. I highly value direct communication. The questions I ask have a purpose. I summarize to clarify my understanding of the situation. I am open to exploring options. I consider the wants and needs of the other party. I have patience. I like to listen. I am prepared to give and take. I appreciate a good brainstorming session. I am able to deal with stressful situations. I often bring a sense of humor into play to help a tense situation. I am sensitive when it comes to the real issues of a conflict. 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
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SCORE SHEET
Total the numbers in each category you have circled on the questionnaire to get your final score. a) Less than 20 You probably find conflict very difficult. Learn as much as you can about the skills you need to acquire. b) 2140 c) 4160 d) 6180 e) 81100 You might be able to do better. Review your strengths and weaknesses. You have some natural capabilities. Try to develop them and expand them. You are about to become a winner; a little more effort will get you there. You are probably a natural when it comes to conflict resolution. You should be very successful.
SUMMARY
As you see, the higher the score, the better prepared you are to resolve conflicts. Success in this field demands a wide range of skills. It would therefore be very useful for you to recognize those individual areas of competence where you excel, and work on those skills where improvement is needed.
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WORKSHEET
Under each topic are four sentences. Mark each one True or False: 1. Language Issues You are trying to resolve a conflict with someone who was born in another country, a person who speaks with a heavy accent. The person keeps smiling and nodding his head, and even begins to giggle at something you consider to be serious. As a disputant in the conflict, you decide: ____ your opponent is not very intelligent. ____ you are not getting through to him. ____ hes very happy and thinks the whole thing is silly. ____ theres no way to get to a solution. 2. Assumptions You are in a conflict situation and somehow you never get to finish a sentence. You are constantly being interrupted and inundated with trivial questions or demands for more detail. In this situation, you assume: ____ the interrupter is rude and thoughtless. ____ the interrupter isnt listeninghe or she just wants to talk. ____ the interrupter is simply demonstrating commitment and interest. ____ the interrupter is totally self-centered and not interested in what is going on. 3. Assumptions You are in a conflict situation and find yourself doing all the talking. The other person never responds or comments and is mostly silent. You assume: ____ the quiet person is shy and withdrawn (insecure). ____ the quiet person is uninterested in what is going on. ____ the quiet person doesnt speak your language. ____ the quiet person thinks youre wonderful and will give in to everything you say or request. 135
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 4. Expectations You are in conflict with a carefully-groomed person dressed in a pin-striped power suit. You expect that: ____ the person in the suit is trying to set up a power play. ____ the person in the suit is in a position of power in the everyday world. ____ the person in the suit is vain and cares more about his appearance than solving the problem. ____ the person will make everyone else feel ill at ease. 5. Expectations You are in a meeting with a man who is wearing a turban and a long, flowing robe. In this situation, you expect that: ____ the person is from a foreign country and wont know the language. ____ the person in the turban and robe is so rigid that he wont be willing to negotiate a solution. ____ the person in the turban and robe will not fully understand what is going on. ____ the person in the turban and robe has some strange and unusual beliefs. 6. Values You are in conflict with a person who is so unhappy and so dissatisfied in what he claims is the poor quality of a contracted service that he refuses to respond to any suggestion you make about talking things out. He switches to verbal attacks on you, gets excited, and raises his voice until it almost reaches the shouting stage. You decide to: ____ quickly stop the discussion so that more productive communication can occur. ____ switch the subject to one that is less volatile. ____ encourage him to modify his style. ____ stop the process, because clearly the two of you will never come to agreement.
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SUMMARY
As you check your answers, you have no doubt guessed that all the statements can be either True or False, depending on context. A number of options exist for interpretation of the issues raised. 1. With respect to Language Issues, it is obvious that words and accents get in the way of effective communication. However, nonverbal responses may also become a problem. People nod their heads, say Yes, and employ gestures, but if the speakers come from other cultures, they dont necessarily convey the same meanings as mainstream Americans would expect. Indeed, even smiles may not signify approval or pleasure. Other cultures employ smiling only as a recognition signal, or to cover up embarrassment. 2. With respect to Assumptions, again all answers can be either True or False. Certain conflicts might become unresolvable because some mainstream Americans approach a conflict situation with a predisposition to make assumptions. They might misinterpret other parties unfamiliar or even bothersome responses (extended periods of silence, aggressive behavior, over-agreeable attitude, frequent interruptions, withdrawal, etc.). 3. With respect to Expectations, people often draw conclusions about status and authority based on clothing. Their expectations lead them to judge people by their dress, but it is important to remember that dress is an integral part of culture. What people wear and their degree of formality or informality may indicate they are merely following the norms of their own group. 4. With respect to Values, individual approaches to communication often reflect different values. The values of the individuals can conflict with each other and even with those of a third party. The remedies for serious value clashes can range from switching the subject to a less controversial issue or calling for a temporary time out; perhaps the complainer can be persuaded to lower the temperature, However, in some cultures, the best chance for a resolution comes only after emotions have been vented and voices are raised. Though conflict resolution does not call for changing basic values, it offers an opportunity to negotiate behaviors comfortable to both parties, thus allowing the participants to keep their own values intact.
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WORKSHEET
Think back to the conflict situations you have read about or been a part of. Begin by considering the finest peacemaker you have ever met, worked with, or read about. Decide on a real person. Fill out the worksheet below: 1. Who is that person? ___________________________________________________ 2. What are the qualities of this person that make him or her stand out so clearly in your mind? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 3. What peacemaking skills does that person demonstrate? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Now select a fictional characterbased either on a folk tale or other well-known story, or from your imagination. Continue by answering the following questions: 1. What is your imaginary character like? Describe him or her. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 139
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 2. What are the qualities of this person that make you think of him or her as an ideal peacemaker? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 3. What peacemaking skills would you expect that person to demonstrate? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 4. Do you think those skills are transferable to your personal conflict-resolution ability? In what way? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________
SUMMARY
It would be a good idea if, from time to time, we gave some thought to those qualities and skills that contribute to the character of an effective peacemaker. When you work on your conflict resolution skills, keep in mind the lessons in the above exercise. Good luck!!
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V
RESOLVING CONFLICT SITUATIONS
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution ________________________________________________________________________ Almost any of your ideas might be true. Heres what really happened: Complainers actual interest involved the occasional visit from his aged mother who could not get around without the aid of a walker. The neighbors parked car forced her to climb a steep walkway, rather than walk the shorter and more level path on the driveway. Instead of a blunt response that the complainer doesnt own the streets, the neighbor said, I can understand how annoying it must be to have your driveway blocked occasionally. Could it be that this has something to do with the elderly woman with the walker I sometimes see at your place? The neighbor guessed correctly that the complainer had an unspoken concern about his mothers occasional visits. With this matter out in the open, the parties were able to begin to work out a mutually satisfactory resolution.
SUMMARY
Both parties statements may appear to be somewhat unreal, but its evident that the complainer opens the discussion with an accusation that would probably have led to a serious confrontation. The neighbor responds with a lowkey remark showing empathy, and then adds a follow-up comment indicating that he has sought and possibly found the complainers unspoken agenda.
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WORKSHEET
In each of the ten situations below, pretend you are the recipient of a complaint. Decide initially what the complainers interest really is. Then think of a response that recognizes the complainers interest and initiates a discussion, thereby avoiding an argument. On the form below, fill out your carefully-constructed responses under Interest and Nonjudgmental response. 1. I never get overtime and I need the money. Interest: ____________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: _____________________________________________ 2. Things have gotten very confused in the shop; it looks like no ones in charge. Interest: ____________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: _____________________________________________ 3. My group talks too much. I can never get anything done. Interest: ____________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: _____________________________________________ 4. So I made the same mistake Harry made, but he never got chewed out like I did. Interest: ____________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: _____________________________________________ 5. The night shift always leaves the place in a mess. Interest: ____________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: _____________________________________________ 6. I had to show the engineer how to fix it, but he took all the credit himself. Interest: ____________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: _____________________________________________ 145
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 7. Whose idea was it to change the Chart of Accounts? Interest: ___________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: ____________________________________________ 8. If we can dress casual on Friday, whats wrong with casual all week? Interest: ___________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: ____________________________________________ 9. Todd always comes to me for help, but then he cuts me off in the parking lot and laughs at me. Interest: ___________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: ____________________________________________ 10. I knocked myself out on that cover shot, but then the director calls in an outsider to take over. Interest: ___________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: ____________________________________________ When completed, compare your responses with the suggested replies on the next page. Keep in mind that there are many correct answers, each based on its own context.
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution of Accounts. It sure makes your job twice as hard. What do you think we can do to correct the situation? 8. If we can dress casual on Friday, whats wrong with casual all week? Interest: COMPANY IMAGE Response might be: Youre saying that the dress code seems inconsistent. Could be Why do you think there is a dress code? 9. Todd always comes to me for help, but then he cuts me off in the parking lot and laughs at me. Interest: INGRATITUDE Response might be: Thats really too bad that Todd shows no gratitude for your help. Can you think of any reasons why? 10. I knocked myself out on that cover shot, but then the director calls in an outsider to take over. Interest: PRIDE OF OWNERSHIP Response might be: Sounds like you feel that your good efforts go unappreciated.
SUMMARY
As part of the conflict-resolution process, the way in which a party or parties phrase a statement or question can determine the form in which a nonjudgmental response is handled. If done skillfully, the level of contention can be reduced. If this exercise is used in a workshop environment, the participants can compare one anothers responses and thus benefit from the broader exchange of ideas.
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A Questionable Exercise
PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To explore various types of questions, both positive and negative, and how they can affect a conflict situation. INTRODUCTION: People ask questions for a variety of reasons, not just to get answers. Indeed, questions can be either open (encourages people to talk and contribute to the conversation) or closed (discourages people from free dialogue and engenders resentment against perceived hostility). Questions that begin with words like Why? are also counterproductive.
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution And then? How do you see the situation? Im not getting your point; could you please help me understand? What would you like from me at this point? How did it happen? What else...?
As a general rule, questions that begin with Why are not particularly helpful in a conflict situation. They almost always make the other person defensive because there is usually an implied judgment or criticism to the so-called question. Think about the following: Why did you do that? (the listener is likely to hear: Why are you so stupid?) Why did that happen? (could be heard as Why did you LET such a terrible thing happen?) Why werent you there? (sounds like You SHOULD have been there.) When people feel criticized or defensive, it is difficult for them to respond constructively. Many of us will either refuse to answer or respond in a way that increases rather than decreases the tension. The following exercise will explore typical examples.
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A Questionable Exercise
A QUESTIONABLE EXERCISE
If you really want to find out what is going on with someone, you should experiment with asking open rather than closed questions. As a way to practice, mark each of the questions below as C (closed) or O (open). Then look at the ones you marked as C and identify what the questioners purpose was in asking the question. If appropriate, suggest an alternative question or statement to get the same information more effectively. 1 _____ Didnt you read the manual before you deleted the program? _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________
2. _____ Would you sign a purchase order without reading it first? _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 3. _____ Could you clarify the picture by explaining your thinking? _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 4. _____ Are you insisting that you always return my calls? _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 5. _____ Youre telling two different stories; which one is the truth? _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 6. _____ Where were you for our meeting this morning? _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 7. _____ The entire department waited for you. Why are you consistently showing up late? _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 8. _____ Would you lend a hand and explain whats happening here? _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 151
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 9. _____ What can the rest of us do to help us get back on track? _____ Purpose of the question:________________________________________ _____ Alternative: __________________________________________________ 10. _____ When did you file the last set of reports? _____ Purpose of the question:________________________________________ _____ Alternative: __________________________________________________ Although each question might seem appropriate when asked in a particular context, for our purposes, only numbers 3, 8, and 9 are open-ended questions designed to de-escalate emotion and to invite the listener to participate in further discussion or clarification. Below are some possible alternatives to the closed questions as stated, which would be useful if the speaker truly wanted information.
A Questionable Exercise
SUMMARY
Conflicts often escalate as a result of responses that were not intended to be provocative but that the listener hears as provocative. This is particularly true when one is dealing with someone from another culture. Our experience is that if you approach such discussions in a nonjudgmental way, you can try to identify what the other speaker may be needing. You can then ask for more information using questions that are open. You are more likely to diffuse the potential conflict so that you can both gain a clearer understanding of each others point of view before you make decisions you may regret.
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Review the following explanation of each step, and then answer questions on the worksheet that follows. STEP 1: Describe to the other disputant his or her specific behavior that is getting in the way of your ability to resolve the conflict. This will help you and the party involved stay focused. Approach: Keep your message focused on the behavior, not the personality. Remember that your goal is to communicate a way of correcting a situation that is interfering with the dialogue. Example: When you yell at me STEP 2: Express your feelings and reactions about the other persons behavior. Talking about how you feel gives the other person information about how his or her behavior is impacting you. Approach: Speak using I rather than generalizing; use I feel rather than everyone feels. Example: I feel attacked STEP 3: Suggest an alternate behavior. The benefit is that this provides specific information on what you need from the other person. Approach: First ask specifically what you want the other person to do. Be sure that its doable. Give suggestions, requesting rather than commanding. Example: Please try to speak to me rather than yell at me. 155
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution STEP 4: Outline the positive results and offer support; review the situation. This will provide an opportunity to make sure that the other person understands what is expected from the new behavior, and also feels encouraged. Approach: Revisit the points discussed, focusing on the importance of the change in behavior. Be positive about the outcome. ************ Use the following worksheet to plan how you will use direct communication. Think of a past experience where you were engaged in conflict and answer the following questions: 1. What is the behavior? Describe it. 2. When did it occur? 3. How often did it happen? 4. In what situation did it occur? 5. Describe your feelings when the behavior occurred. 6. How did you react? 7. What would you like to see changed? 8. What support can you provide? 9. How can you end on a positive note ?
SUMMARY
This exercise gives you an idea of how to use Direct Communication when dealing with a disputant whose behavior you would like to see changed. It is important that that person understands your feelings and expectations. It is extremely useful to keep focused and at the same time to be clear with your suggestions and to be nonthreatening.
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WORKSHEET
Circle the number that most clearly describes your choice. Listening Competency Do You 1. Pay full attention to the speakers message instead of what that person looks like? 2. Assume you know what the speaker will say and quickly start thinking of other things? 3. Listen carefully to others whose opinions are different than your own? 4. Make extra effort when you hear an accent? 5. Avoid listening if it will take extra effort to understand? 6. Listen without making judgments? 7. Let your own emotions get in the way? 8. Make the speaker think youre giving them your full attention, even if youre thinking about other things? 9. Figure out and acknowledge the feelings that the speaker might be experiencing? 10. Attempt to determine the purpose of the communication (the speakers real needs)? 11. Talk more than listen?
Almos t alway s Frequently Sometimes Almos t never
4 4 1 4 1 1
3 3 2 3 2 2
2 2 3 2 3 3
1 1 4 1 4 4
4 4 1
3 3 2
2 2 3
1 1 4
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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 12. Check assumptions about the message, the messenger, and the means of communication before you respond? Listening Competency Do You 13. Summarize in your owns words what you heard the speaker say? 14. Turn your listening experience into a learning one, especially when it involves different people, places, and ideas? 15. Start thinking what you will say while the speaker is still talking? 16. Recognize your hot buttons and not let them get in the way of your listening? 17. Interrupt without giving the speaker an opportunity to finish the thought? 18. Check assumptions about the message, the messenger, and the means of communication before you respond? Scoring Total the numbers in each category you circled on the questionnaire to get your score. Almost Always + Frequently + Sometimes + Almost Never = Total ______________ + _________ + __________ + ____________ = ________ Super Listener Better than Average Average Needs Improvement 5972 4658 3245 1831 1 2 3 4
Almos t alway s
Frequently
Sometimes
Almos t never
4 4
3 3
2 2
1 1
1 4 1 4
2 3 2 3
3 2 3 2
4 1 4 1
SUMMARY
The art of listening is far more important than people realize. Experienced
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A Questionable Exercise conflict-resolution practitioners have developed this ability, and it is in large part responsible for their success. The greatest listening skill is to always instinctively respond with supportive listening when you are put in the position of being the listener. The exercise that follows illustrates the point.
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WORKSHEET
Rate yourself on a scale of 1 (low) to 5 (high) in each of these skills: ______ To be open to differences ______ To treat people as individuals ______ To look at whether expectations are real ______ To be aware of stereotypes ______ To check assumptions about other people or groups ______ To accept ambiguity ______ To be comfortable communicating with people different than you ______ To be nonjudgmental ______ To exhibit empathy ______ To listen and observe If your total is close to 50, you are probably communicating well when dealing with conflicts on a variety of issues. If your total is less than 40, you have some work to do to improve your skills.
SUMMARY
A nationally-recognized team of experts in the field agree that the above ten skills on which you rated yourself are the most important in conflict resolution. Experience has proven that these obviously desirable skills can help considerably when they are introduced in the resolution process. 161
WORKSHEET
Place the letter F in front of the sentences you see as statements of Fact and place the letter O in front of the sentences you see as Opinions. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. _____ You spend too much time on breaks. _____ When I left last night, you were still in your office. _____ You're too impatient. _____ The draft of the memo you submitted was great. _____ The raise you requested was granted by the Plant Manager. _____ It's not fair that you always get the visible assignments at this company.
When you have completed the above exercise, rewrite those sentences that you identified as opinions on the lines below, putting them in the form of factual statements. Check them against the answers on the following page. ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ 163
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Fact vs. OpinionAnswers 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. O F O O F O You spend too much time on breaks. When I left last night, you were still in your office. You're too impatient. The draft memo you submitted was great. The raise you requested was granted by the Plant Manager. It's not fair that you always get the visible assignments at this company. Fact vs. Opinion Suggested Rewrites There are many ways you might have changed the opinion statements to fact. Compare the suggestions below with what you wrote, keeping in mind that the key to a fact is that the rewritten sentences must contain information that has been verified and that has been quantified. 1. 3. 4. 6. F F F F _ I've been documenting the time you take for breaks and you consistently take an extra five minutes. _ We have had three customers complain that you have been impatient with them. _ The memo you submitted covered all the required points. It was well done. _ The last three visible assignments have been given to you.
SUMMARY
One dictionary defines an opinion as a belief or conclusion held with confidence but not substantiated by positive knowledge or proof. A fact is something that has been objectively verified. It is important that you remain fully aware of their difference, whether you are shading the difference yourself or faced with others who are doing so. When opinions and facts are carelessly thrown around, they are a hindrance rather than a help to conflict resolution.
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WORKSHEET
Following is a list of typical remarks heard in a conflict-resolution session. Mark E for those that lead to escalation, or A for those that acknowledge the other partys position. (See the first two lines for examples.) E A Why didnt you listen? That must have been hard for you. Its interesting that You ought to apologize to her for In other words I think youre hiding something. If you really felt that way, you would have So you think that Your main concern is If I were you You are angry because Youre just trying to get out of it. You say that this issue is important to you. You feel frustrated that the machine is not working. Your office supplies are the most expensive in the department. You see yourself as a very dedicated employee. Youre so late, I dont think youll ever get it done. Youre always disrupting the meeting. Its upsetting that your overtime is interfering with your family life. It will never work. You are wondering if this problem can be solved.
The following section will give you the correct answers. How did you do? 165
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution E A A E A E E A A E A E A A E A E E A E A Why didnt you listen? That must have been hard for you. Its interesting that You ought to apologize to her for In other words I think youre hiding something. If you really felt that way, you would have So you think that Your main concern is If I were you You are angry because Youre just trying to get out of it. You say that this issue is important to you. You feel frustrated that the machine is not working. Your office supplies are the most expensive in the department. You see yourself as a very dedicated employee. Youre so late, I dont think youll ever get it done. Youre always disrupting the meeting. Its upsetting that your overtime is interfering with your family life. It will never work. You are wondering if this problem can be solved.
SUMMARY
It is important to realize how critical the art of acknowledgment is to conflict resolution. Unfortunately, it is often easier to respond with escalate-type phrases or sentences like these that have the E in front of them. Conflict is then escalated without people realizing what caused it. But consider phrases like those marked with an A. Acknowledging rather than escalating can go a long way toward reducing the acrimony in a conflict and producing a more conciliatory environment. Aside from escalation, an E sentence can also carry hidden meanings that can interfere with the free exchange of ideas and bring out defensiveness. For example, some statements, without appearing to do so, send messages of disapproval. Why questions are often challenging and punitive, as are statements that contain should, ought, always, or never, and sentences that begin with You On the other hand, the A phrases, which carefully re-phrase the speakers statements, show acknowledgment and lead to furthering an open discussion during the conflict-resolution process.
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WORKSHEET
Listed below are typical statements that could arise during a conflict resolution session. Write in the space next to each negative statement the appropriate positive counterpart statement. (See the first line for an example.) Negative Statement You arent listening to me. Ive never heard of anything like this. Thats not the way we did it before. Youre wrong! I dont think youre open to change. Youre not willing to give me what I need. Dont tell me what to do. You never give me a chance. You always get your way, regardless of others. You got exactly what you wanted and I got nothing. I dont see it your way. Im not going to do that. Thats not acceptable to me. Im not going to discuss this further. You go your way; Ill go mine. Never! The meeting cant go on like this. 167 Positive Counterpart Statement Id appreciate your full attention for a while.
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Suggested Positive Counterpart Statements There is certainly more than one way to convert negative statements into positive ones. Below are some suggested examples. Think about whether your positive statements will help avoid putting the other party on the defensive. Negative Statement You arent listening to me. Ive never heard of anything like this. Thats not the way we did it before. Youre wrong! I dont think youre open to change. Youre not willing to give me what I need. Dont tell me what to do. You never give me a chance. You always get your way, regardless of others. You got exactly what you wanted and I got nothing. I dont see it your way. Im not going to do that. Thats not acceptable to me. Im not going to discuss this further. You go your way; Ill go mine. Never! The meeting cant go on like this. Positive Counterpart Statement Id appreciate your full attention for a while. This is new to me. It might be a good idea to look at a new way of doing it. Lets look at it; you may be right. Though it means change, please give it a chance. Can we find a way to meet both our needs? Perhaps you can hold your suggestions for a while. I would prefer to make my own decision. We both need to come out of this satisfied. Id like to see both of us win. We may have a different points of view; lets explore. Id rather try something else. Id like to look further and discuss options. Lets schedule another time to meet. Lets try to find a mutually agreeable solution. Sometimes Lets schedule another meeting to give us some time to think.
SUMMARY
There are many positive counterpart statements that could be used instead of any single negative statement. One key to advancing the conflict-resolution process is to select the most appropriate positive counterpart in context. Experience and common sense should help; you can experiment by practicing using this skill in your everyday communication.
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WORKSHEET
Perception can generally be defined as our view of life, of ourselves, and of others. It is based on the interpretation of our past experiences. It is a selective process because it is subjective. Understanding the role of perception in conflict resolution, as well as in our everyday lives, is very important because we view the physical and social worlds around us through the private lens of our own perception. This exercise involves three stages, each with its own version of the graphic describing The Man in the Middle. First Stage Take a few minutes to think about Graphic #1: The Man in the Middle. Then, based on your first perceptions, write down a brief description of the man, taking into account his clothing, attitude, half-smile, casual stance, overall appearance, etc. _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ 169
50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Second Stage Now turn to Graphic #2. Then consider how the eight different individuals in the circle might each describe The Man in the Middle, based on their own natural frame of reference. On the lines below, write down your brief description of The Man in the Middle as he might be viewed by each of the individuals around him.
A. _________________________________ E. _________________________________ B. _________________________________ F. _________________________________ C. _________________________________ G. ________________________________ D. _________________________________ H. ________________________________ Third Stage Finally, turn the page and compare your descriptions with those offered in Graphic # 3. Your descriptions may resemble the ones we suggested, or be quite different. One is not necessarily correct or incorrect. There are no winners in this exercise; the purpose is to understand that different points of view have a great influence on how you see others and the world around you.
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SUMMARY
In conflict resolution and many other forms of interpersonal communication, our perceptions of those we communicate with are often formed quickly. They also may impact our behavior. For example, if you perceive someone to have very different values, you may feel superior and behave in a counterproductive way. If you believe clothes or communication styles are very important, you may treat someone negatively if you disapprove of that persons style. When there is conflict, individual points of view are likely to affect both attitude and behavior. 171